Jane Thomas

Very few women can talk confidently about sexual arousal

2009-10-16T01:20:00.000-07:00

When I could find no answers from talking to experts, I decided to embark on research of my own and talk to women I came across in everyday life.
I did this by writing down some of my experiences and conclusions and then asking women whether they would be willing to read what I had written. I made it clear that there was no obligation for my reviewers to comment.
Perhaps the first point to remark on is just how difficult it is to decide who one can ask to comment (or not) on one’s own personal experiences. I found that there were in fact very few women who I would be brave enough even to ask.
It is much more widely accepted that men are rarely offended by any sexual references. It is much less certain that a woman will not be offended. Even making an approach on such a taboo subject can easily come across as at least odd, if not perverted.
I only approached women who I thought might have a sense of humour about sex. So even if they were not interested they wouldn’t be mortally offended. Even having selected women in this way, the fact is that very few were prepared to comment.
Silence is difficult to interpret. Were they shocked, angry or embarrassed? I’ll never know.
“Many women find it very difficult to talk about sex with their male partners. More than a quarter of the women with whom I have discussed the subject say that they never talk to their partners about things they might do to improve lovemaking.” (p117 Woman’s Experience of Sex 1983)
Women’s experiences are implied as much as stated
Of those who did comment they probably fell into five groups.
(1) Those who were ’shocked’ by explicitly sexual behaviour. They implied that a woman’s sexual experiences should more properly revolve around her relationship with a partner. See sex stories: A sexual relationship and Female masturbation is relatively uncommon.
(2) Those who were confident that orgasm during sex just ‘happens’ the first time and every time. They drew comfort from popular beliefs about female sexuality and often implied that, surely, every woman should orgasm with a lover. See the sex stories: Bluffers, fakers and sex surveys and Some women never tune into eroticism.
(3) Those who were the sexually ‘jaded’. One woman in her late thirties, career and no children, refused to discuss her experiences. She said that all her friends agreed that women don’t get anything out of sex. Women accept sex because they want a relationship with a man (usually for reasons of companionship or family).
(4) Those who had the same experience as me and could only orgasm from masturbation alone. See sex stories Young women often don’t know how to orgasm and Sex advice for women is often misleading.
(5) Those who were confident about orgasm and were able to explain their experiences. These women were relatively relaxed about talking about orgasm. A couple of these explained orgasm with a partner either (A) by masturbation or (B) by using a position. They recognised the need for clitoral stimulation and also admitted to using fantasies during sex for arousal.
(A) Women who masturbate during intercourse: The two women I have spoken to who had this experience (see stories Applying orgasm techniques to sex and Reaching orgasm) learnt to combine masturbation and sex from very early days so perhaps their fantasies map more easily onto reality.
(B) Women who find a position for intercourse: One woman described this experience to me (see the story Positions and techniques for sexual intercourse) but I wonder whether women who are used to more direct clitoral stimulation from masturbation would be able to use this approach.

Female sexuality in perspective

2009-10-16T01:18:00.000-07:00

Wikipedia notes that humans are one of the few species known to have intercourse even when the female is not in estrus (the most fertile period of time in the female’s reproductive cycle).
Intelligent social animals learn that cooperative behaviour can be far more successful than that of any individual alone. Hence the Wikipedia entry concludes that, for humans, the use of sex has evolved beyond reproduction to reinforce strong emotional bonds between sexual partners important in long-term sexual relationships.
So humans have sex for a variety of reasons:
recreational: enjoyment of sexual pleasure;
bonding: emotional intimacy to support longer-term sexual relationships (deferred reproductive); and
reproductive: directly seeking to achieve pregnancy.
Individuals are motivated by each of these to varying degrees. Our social history indicates that men are more likely to benefit from enjoying sexual pleasure. After all, only men are motivated to pay for sex. Whereas women are more likely to benefit from the emotional intimacy that keeps a man motivated to support the family.
Reproduction is the main purpose of sex
With all the hype about sexual pleasure it is easy to forget that the PRIME purpose of sex is to reproduce. This involves not only a man impregnating a woman but also the provision of a PROTECTED environment in which a child can hope to reach maturity.
Even today a woman benefits from having the protection of a strong and capable man. So a woman chooses a man who is likely to be able to protect her and a family against the threat from other human males as well as other dangers. Sex provides an emotional intimacy that makes a relationship more stable and more capable of sustaining children in the future.
If a woman wanted sex the same way that men do, they might be tempted to have sex with many different men even when they have children. But who would support them while they are raising all the resulting children? A man wants to know that a child is his before his is likely to be willing to contribute towards its upkeep.
A human female needs to be able to offer a mate the sexual interaction he needs so that he does not seek sex elsewhere. Now we might think that Nature would ensure this by causing sex to be equally pleasurable for men and women. The fact is that there is no need for this because women already have enough incentive: the survival of themselves and their children.
Kiera Knightley stars in the film ‘The Duchess’ in the title role as the Duchess of Devonshire (1757 – 1806). The story portrays the duchess in a loveless marriage under obligation to provide a male heir for her husband. She falls in love with another man but if she spends her life with him she loses the right to live with her children.
Given the choice between sexual pleasure with the man she loves and her children, she chooses to raise her children. Many men are perplexed when women lose interest in sex once their family is complete. Ultimately, the prime purpose of female sexuality is for a woman is to raise a family.

Female sexual pleasure is not required for successful reproduction

2009-10-16T01:13:00.000-07:00

I have questioned my sexual experiences since the very first time I had sex. It has amazed me that more women don’t question.
We have known since the 1970’s that vaginal intercourse doesn’t provide sufficient PHYSICAL stimulation (of the clitoris) for orgasm.
My stumbling block was even more fundamental. How do women achieve the PSYCHOLOGICAL arousal needed for orgasm during sex?
Over the years, I have found very few women who seem bothered that sex is unlikely to provide female orgasm. I understand that women who never masturbate are not motivated by orgasm. I am targeting women who are familiar with orgasm from masturbation and who are interested in experiencing something similar with a partner.
Women do not become aroused enough for orgasm simply by looking at the naked male body. If we did, then we would also pay to enjoy the sight of the male body as men do through lap-dancing and pole-dancing bars. Equally, women would buy pornographic magazines (as men do) to enjoy looking at pictures of naked men.
Men learn from masturbation that their sexual arousal arises from an appreciation of pictures of naked women, especially their sexual attributes. This enables men to become easily aroused during sex with a partner.
Women learn from masturbation that their sexual arousal arises from an appreciation of eroticism, through sexual fantasies. These are complex psychological scenarios that involve the behaviour and personalities of imagined characters.
A high level of focus is needed to reach orgasm from sexual fantasies alone. Not only is it difficult to achieve the necessary focus in the presence of another person, even a lover, but such a mental block-out is frankly incompatible when ‘making love’ with a partner.
Men’s psychological arousal is almost instant partly because their bodies are full of the sex hormone, testosterone. Sex has been designed to facilitate male orgasm, which helps provide men with some of the motivation to support a family.
Women’s sexual role (during sex with a partner) remains what it always was:
To accept a man’s desire for physical intimacy as his sign of devotion to her;
To provide a man with sexual pleasure by facilitating male orgasm ; and
By appreciating a man’s love-making, to provide the emotional intimacy that motivates him to support a family.
This explains the contradiction of rape. How can an act that is supposed to be spontaneously pleasurably also inflict so much misery on women? Men are not victims of rape (through vaginal intercourse) as women are because intercourse is an act of male sexual dominance. A woman accepts this sexual subordination only once she has identified a man as a potential mate.
Female orgasm is not required for reproduction. Whether we like it or not, orgasm represents a much smaller part of the wider picture of female sexuality. Luckily women do not have a biological drive to reach orgasm (as men do) so, without an expectation for orgasm, they have nothing to miss.
Women’s modern day interest in orgasm comes from the expectations that were set during the sexual revolution. This has also increased the pressure from men who have always hoped that women might be as enthusiastic about sex as they are.

Sexual arousal during intercourse

2009-10-16T01:11:00.000-07:00

When I had sex for the first time, I was disappointed because I had hoped that sex would be spontaneously arousing enough for me to orgasm. I didn’t have any clear idea about what I would do during sex except perhaps to respond affectionately to my lover’s love-making.
It’s amazing when you think of it. I was eighteen years old and a virgin so my vagina was as tight as it was ever likely to be. Yet I couldn’t feel a thing from thrusting, not even when my partner’s penis initially penetrated me. I was waiting for something to happen and suddenly it was all over.
Even subsequent times I was none the wiser. Naturally, we experimented with oral sex as well as different positions and techniques for sexual intercourse but nothing worked. Sex was so far from providing sexual arousal that it was hard to imagine what would make a difference.
Although I knew how to orgasm from masturbation, this was of little use to me. Masturbation was a solitary experience relying on being highly focused on sexual fantasies. Sex with a partner was completely different. For one, the environment was incompatible with the use of fantasies.
Erotic literature had given me absolute faith that foreplay and vaginal intercourse would provide guaranteed spontaneous sexual arousal and orgasm. So I just lay there, like a lemon, waiting to be transported to the heights of sexual pleasure assuming no need to contribute in any way.
Despite searching for answers for over ten years, so far no one has been able to explain them at all. When I have told them that my boyfriend remarked, that other virgins had made the same comment, the most usual reaction is silence. I am told that if I read so-and-so I would realise that my experience cannot be. They imply that no one else has the same experience.
Therapists conclude that since other women say nothing they must be happy with sex. There is little acknowledgement of just how embarrassed most people are about discussing their sexual experiences. I can vouch for the fact that even when a person is relatively relaxed about sex (as I have been) the humiliation of the implied sexual inadequacy is a very effective silencer.
So women learn to accept their sexual experiences for what they are. They make the best of it for the sake of their partner. Sex becomes an activity to be ‘gotten over with’. Sexual arousal is implied or faked depending on pressure from the man.
As a more experienced woman I now know that a woman plays along with men’s sexual fantasies, in part, to minimise her own investment of effort in an activity that is not designed to provide women with an equal sexual pleasure.
After all, it’s human nature… Why spend half an hour when you only need to spend a couple of minutes? Even prostitutes know the value of time (and, of course, money). It is much more efficient for a woman to play along with a man’s fantasies of arousing a woman so that he orgasms quickly.
In the end, men are directly looking for sexual pleasure (orgasm in particular) but women are, more often, willing to settle for affection and the emotional aspects of sexual relationships.

Women who fake orgasm

2009-10-16T01:08:00.000-07:00

Men tell me that they are sure that ALL the women they sleep with orgasm during sex. But that’s kind of what faking orgasm is about, isn’t it? It if wasn’t convincing then what would be the point?
If men want to know the truth then I suggest sleeping around a bit more and not always with sexually experienced women. Virgins are much more likely to be disappointed that intercourse does not lead to female sexual arousal.
Very few virgins approach sex realising that a woman might need to exaggerate her true sexual arousal during sex. Women learn over time to fake orgasm because men expect them to be moved by their love-making.
If my partner is keen but my mind is not tuned into erotic thoughts enough for me to want to engage on anything naughtier then we ‘make love’.
My partner enjoys vaginal intercourse for the full-frontal access to my body and the turn-on of penetration. Mostly we use the missionary position. Sometimes I lift my legs up so that he has better access to my open body and I hug my legs around his back. Occasionally we use other positions for intercourse, such as, woman on top or doggy style from behind.
We both enjoy intimate kissing and sensual touching. I run my hands over his back and squeeze his buttocks perhaps pulling him towards me. I tense my pelvic floor muscles to squeeze his penis inside me, which increases the stimulation of his penis.
I enjoy mild sensations of arousal, especially when my partner’s groin grinds into my clitoris. I accept that intercourse is not arousing enough for orgasm. It is simply a loving and sensual act that I share with my partner primarily for his sexual pleasure.
“Sometimes they can choose to take a long time so that she gets her orgasm, and at other times, when she is not in the mood for an orgasm, he can enjoy the unrestrained freedom of just going for his orgasm.” (p73 Mars & Venus in the Bedroom 1995)
When I do orgasm (from anal penetration) my partner knows because he can feel the pelvic muscles contracting.
Men’s expectations cause women to fake orgasm
It is men’s modern expectation that female orgasm should occur during intercourse that causes women to fake. After all, the phenomenon of faking has only arisen since the sexual revolution that said that all women should orgasm during sex.
Rachel Swift explains the problem: “There are many reasons. By far the most common is that we fear to display our so-called ‘inadequacy’ in not being able to climax. We are afraid of being labelled ‘frigid’.” (p172 Women’s Pleasure 1993)
Rachel adds: “Another important reason why women fake their orgasm is the fear of upsetting their partner. Many men anxiously insist that the woman must have satisfaction.” (p173 Women’s Pleasure 1993)
The trouble with faking is that it is a one-way street. Once you have led a man to believe that sex is orgasmic it’s a little difficult to make a confession. If a woman hasn’t the guts to admit it first time around then she is unlikely to confess later on.
Even if a woman wanted to be honest, she still has the problem of how to respond during sex. Men want a partner to be enthusiastic for them to enjoy sex. A willingness to engage on fantasy sex play is what makes a woman ‘good in bed’.
If a woman just lies there then sex is likely to last longer, which is not necessarily in her interests if she knows that intercourse does not lead to sexual arousal. Many men assume that women will assist with their sexual arousal as a matter of course.
Women are likely to need to fake orgasm during intercourse because the vagina (as part of the birth canal) has very few nerve endings. The clitoris (as the female sex organ) is much more sensitive. Basically, you have to touch what works.

Sexual arousal arises from an appreciation of eroticism

2009-10-16T01:06:00.000-07:00

Much of what is known about female orgasm comes from women’s experience of masturbation. I found Shere Hite’s conclusions useful because they accorded with my own experience.
Shere Hite compared female masturbation with vaginal intercourse to explain why the lack of genital simulation (of the clitoris) would be likely to make it difficult for women to reach orgasm with a partner.
It did not explain why I have never been able to orgasm from clitoral stimulation with a partner, for example, purely from manual stimulation of the clitoris or through oral sex. Of course, the other characteristic of masturbation that is missing during sex is fantasy. That is unless a woman finds a way to incorporate sexual fantasies into her sex life.
It was some time before I came across the fact indicated by surveys that many women do use fantasy to orgasm during sex with a partner. Frankly I was amazed because this was something I had never really considered. The context of sex with a partner was inappropriate for my use of fantasy, which required a highly focused state of mind.
“Many times sexual fantasies are used to induce or enhance sexual arousal, and while fantasies are often combined with masturbation to provide a source of turn-on when a partner is not available, fantasies are also extremely common during sexual activity with someone else. For instance, one study of 212 married women found that sex fantasies help many women achieve sexual arousal and/or orgasm during sexual intercourse.” (p416 Human Sexuality (fifth edition) 1995)
Women use sexual fantasies both alone and with a partner
The realisation that some women do use fantasy during sex (and I was able to confirm this with a few of the woman I spoke to) allowed me to see a parallel with my experience of orgasm from masturbation. I realised that although I used clitoral stimulation during masturbation it only worked when combined with the use of sexual fantasies.
Sheila Kitzinger made the point that sex, especially sexual arousal, is primarily in the brain. I then realised that most accounts of sex focus heavily on PHYSICAL stimulation techniques and that PSYCHOLOGICAL arousal tends to be simply assumed or overlooked. I concluded that this is probably because psychological sexual arousal for men is usually a given.
My suggestion is that just as men need EROTIC IMAGES and stimulation of the PENIS for orgasm, women need EROTIC STORIES and stimulation of the CLITORIS for orgasm. This is my explanation of how I have reached that conclusion and how it fits with men’s experiences of sexual arousal and orgasm.
It makes sense that women will need to use fantasy more than men to reach orgasm during sex. Women have much lower levels of testosterone, the hormone that boosts sex drive. Also the naked male body does not cause women to become aroused enough for orgasm (otherwise women would buy porn as men do).
There is no logical reason why sexual fantasies should not be a part of our sex life (whether or not admitted to a partner). This conclusion helps explain why foreplay techniques may not be as effective as we would hope because, just as during female masturbation, women’s sexual arousal relies on sexual fantasies.

Talking to women about sexual relationships

2009-10-16T01:03:00.000-07:00

Once I found the experts had no rational explanations to offer me, I decided to embark on my own personal research by asking women I met in everyday life.
I quickly learned just how embarrassing it was to approach women on such an intimate topic. Very few women are willing to talk about sex at all and even fewer have anything to say about orgasm. The vast majority are silent so it is difficult to know what they think.
It would be nice to imagine that at least some are quietly getting on with it; too busy doing to be talking about it. But given how shocked most women are by any mention of explicit sexual activity, I question how many explore sex beyond the basics.
When I mention that I am a sex writer (only to those women I hope will not drop dead from shock at the mention of the word!) most women avoid the subject completely. They don’t even risk a commonplace comment like ‘How interesting!’ or ‘How brave!’.
This lack of confidence or embarrassment (or however you interpret being snubbed) does not convey the impression that women are happily enjoying orgasmic sex. I can only assume that women’s sexual experiences are not as sensational as we’d like to hope.
I have talked to women of varying ages. No doubt, people will tell me that I have encountered an unrepresentative group of women. One woman suggested that I must ‘live in a broom cupboard’ because of the reactions I have reported. They have no idea.
I challenge anyone who thinks differently to try approaching women they know: relatives, friends, neighbours, work colleagues, fellow holiday-makers etc. What is difficult to appreciate until you try this for real, is just how embarrassing it is to ask anyone about their personal experiences of sex.
Most women have no comment on the subject of orgasm
Many people claim to be relaxed about sex but they run a mile if you ask for details. Likewise women may joke together as a group and compare notes over their lovers’ sexual performance but never their own. The women who were brave enough to talk to me admitted that they never divulged the same details even to their closest friends.
Most women never comment on the popular image of female sexuality. So the views of the more vocal minority win the day. Even young women can be shocked by references to female masturbation and clitoral stimulation. Older women assume that only men and lesbians masturbate and clearly have no idea why a heterosexual woman might want to stimulate her genitals.
A young woman in her mid-twenties told me that she was too embarrassed to talk to anyone about her inability to orgasm during sex. She had assumed that it was her boyfriend’s fault and that perhaps she didn’t love him enough. Only once I told her some of the facts that might explain her experience was she brave enough to mention the issue to her mother.
Her mother, a medical doctor, responded (with slight bravado given her previous silence): “Of course you don’t orgasm during sex!” Some women are happy to accept such conclusions without questioning.
Others want to understand why popular beliefs are so misleading. I certainly did. Unfortunately so often, it isn’t done to ask why because people feel uncomfortable when they have no answers.
One woman told me that she would never allow young people to have sex in her house. I did not understand why since the traditional issues no longer apply. Yet it was clearly impolite to ask for an explanation because of the sensitivity of the subject.
Anyone who doubts that these attitudes exist should get out of their own broom cupboard. When a young boy said: “My parents told me that’s disgusting!” my heart-rate shot up instantly. The taboo of sex causes emotions to run high whatever our beliefs.

Sexual intercourse does not facilitate female orgasm

2009-10-16T01:01:00.000-07:00

Men’s sexual arousal is usually easy, which gives them a natural advantage. As a consequence, while men can usually hope for orgasm from their sexual encounters, most women have to settle for the more diffused sensations of sexual arousal.
“Sex is a very different experience for women and men. A man experiences pleasure primarily as a release of sexual tension. A woman experiences sex in an opposite way. For her, the great joys of sex correspond to a gradual build up of tension. …
A man’s immediate desire to touch and be touched in his sensitive zones is a given. He does not need much help in getting excited. He needs help in releasing or letting go of this excitement. In a sense, he seeks to end his excitement, while a woman seeks to extend her excitement to feel more deeply her inner longing.” (p27 Mars & Venus in the Bedroom 1995)
Love and romance make a woman amenable to a a sexual relationship but do not by themselves create orgasm. Over time, a man needs to offer some sensual pleasuring focused on his partner’s sexual arousal so that sex holds some rewards for her.
Women need other compensations for sex
After all, not many men would be happy about not having orgasms with intercourse…
“Although there has been some disagreement in the past as to whether the absence of coital orgasms without accompanying manual clitoral stimulation is an abnormality per se, most sexologists today have concluded that this is not the case. … This distinction is often of little solace to a woman who is unhappy about not having orgasms with intercourse, however, even if she is vehemently reassured that she is completely normal.” (p587 Human Sexuality (fifth edition) 1995)
For a long time, I found it difficult to interpret this advice. Initially I was outraged at the implication that women are happy settling for emotional (as opposed to physical) pleasure from their sex life.
Orgasm may not be the critical goal for women that it typically is for men, nevertheless any woman who is familar with orgasm from masturbation, questions why sex does not automatically lead to female orgasm.
It is often implied (wrongly) that a woman can orgasm as easily as men do via other means with a partner e.g. oral sex or mutual masturbation. Yet experts I have talked to have admitted that a woman is lucky if she finds even one way to orgasm.
Given the fact that women do not enjoy orgasm as easily through intercourse as men do, women often settle for sexual arousal and sensual massage with a partner. This does not mean that women do not hope to reach orgasm in general but that they accept that it is difficult to achieve through sex with a partner. This has certainly been my experience.
Posted in: Enjoying sex play

The sexual politics of female sexual desire

2009-10-16T00:59:00.000-07:00

All the modern day hype about female sexuality was in part sparked off by the work of Alfred Kinsey. Kinsey’s report ‘Sexual behaviour in the human female’ (published 1953) documented for the first time women’s accounts of how they also enjoyed sexual desire.
The world was not so different in the 1950’s. Technology may appear to have changed the world beyond recognition but attitudes are slower to change. Human nature does not change at all.
So if there are women today who can insist on how easy orgasm is with a partner, despite all the experiences of other women to the contrary and a few inconvenient facts, then why not in the 1950’s? After all, Kinsey’s researh only documented what women told him.
Even today, women who claim easy orgasm with a partner can rarely explain how they reach orgasm. Orgasms ‘just happen’. Very few women have an appreciation of the eroticism that leads to sexual arousal, which explains why so few women masturbate.
Sure there are women who enjoy adventurous sex play with a lover. I know because I’m one of them. Sure there are women who enjoy their own sexual arousal and orgasm through masturbation. But this is very different to saying that all women are as sexual as all men.
It’s quite clear to me that men have a much greater interest in eroticism than I do. They also masturbate (on average) more than I do and they are more likely to pay for sex than I am.
It is ludicrous that we are not able to talk about the ‘male sex drive’. ‘Modern’ women are assumed to have an equal ‘female sex drive’. How do we explain that prostitution still thrives as much as it ever did? Children have to work it out for themselves.
Why do women have to be more like men to be valid?
In order to prove ‘equality’, some feminists insist that women can enjoy their own sexuality (through pregnancy, child-bearing and breast feeding) as well as a definition of sexuality that was originally based on the male experience.
So all women have been put into the awkward position of having their sexuality assumed for them. Any woman who cannot fit within the definition of ‘normal’ is deemed to be sexually inadequate. Instead of sex becoming more open and honest it just got a whole lot more embarrassing. Now women are not able to discuss their sexual experiences at all even if they wanted to.
Women’s difficulties with sexual desire are hushed up. Thus any possible chance of understanding women’s range of experiences from ‘easy orgasm during sex’ to ‘no orgasm ever’ can never be explored. Most sources never even admit the facts.
“Between 10 and 15 percent of women never reach an orgam at all, even during masturbation. Another 10 to 15 percent achieve orgasm only through masturbation. Only approximately 30 percent of women reach orgasm through intercourse alone. Perhaps as many women have never reached orgasm during intercourse. Inability to have orgasm during intercourse is the second most common sexual complaint of women – behind lack of sexual desire.” (p194 Secrets of Better Sex 1997)
Today women have a much higher level of general education and higher confidence. They are less dependent on men both financially and emotionally. They can question their sexual experiences much more confidently. There is less taboo about sex.
My discussion of sex is for those women who are confident of their sexuality and their ability to evaluate their own experiences. If you have not found any answers elsewhere you may find my more logical presentation helpful. If not, then no harm done.
Women should feel free to share their experiences whatever they are. At the end of the day much of what is said about sex is purely opinion. If we are to find a common basis for discussion, we have to first find other people who share our own opinions.

What if female sexuality truly equalled male sexuality?

2009-10-16T00:57:00.000-07:00

Imagine the scenario: a man and a woman facing each other, naked, in a world where men and women have an identical sex drive.
So, of course, they are both standing there with an erection. Just to be clear: the man has an erect penis and the woman has an erect clitoris.
Would they mutually choose to engage in vaginal intercourse? No because intercourse does not stimulate the clitoris enough for a woman to orgasm. Even a man is unlikely to orgasm if his penis were merely rubbed gently in passing…
So the ‘sexually equal’ couple would presumably prefer oral sex or mutual masturbation. This way both sexes could enjoy equal genital stimulation.
Would Nature be happy? No because these activities are not reproductive and so the human race would die out. After all, the PRIME purpose of sex is reproduction. Sexual pleasure is merely a by-product.
Men are fortunate where sex is concerned. A man’s penis is both his sex organ as well as a reproductive organ (also the testes or testicles). Male orgasm (ejaculation in particular) is required for successful reproduction. Men need penile stimulation for orgasm and so vaginal intercourse provides sufficient stimulation for male orgasm.
Women are not so lucky. Their sex organ is the clitoris but their reproductive organs include the vagina, the uterus (womb) and the ovaries (where the eggs are stored). The clitoris is not involved in reproduction and neither is female orgasm. So unfortunately, vaginal intercourse does not provide sufficient clitoral stimulation for female orgasm.
Women who claim to reach orgasm from intercourse alone are mistaken
Sex is designed to provide men with sexual pleasure and orgasm for reproductive reasons. Conversely, sex is NOT designed to provide women with sexual arousal or orgasm because female orgasm is irrelevant to human reproduction.
If women were able to orgasm through vaginal intercourse and without any clitoral stimulation, it would imply that women are MORE HIGHLY SEXED than men. Even men need DIRECT penile stimulation for orgasm.
So anyone who claims that women orgasm during vaginal intercourse is mistaken. Of course, women are known to fake both their own sexual arousal and orgasm. Equally many women simply assume that they orgasm during intercourse because they have no knowledge of what orgasm. This explains why so few women ask about lack of orgasm.
It is only women who are familiar with orgasm from masturbation who realise that orgasm is missing from sex with a partner.
“Nevertheless, many women prefer intercourse to masturbation because it gives them additional sensual benefits such as being held and being kissed and also makes them part of a spontaneous give and take.” (p587 Human Sexuality (fifth edition) 1995)
Vaginal intercourse, from a woman’s perspective, feels much the same as affectionate hugging since the vagina has few nerve endings and so there is little sensation from thrusting.
Women have evolved a willingness to co-operate with men’s sex drive and provide men with sexual pleasure so that they are impregnated. Vaginal intercourse provides women with an easy way of satisfying a man with the least inconvenience to herself.

Men are fascinated by sex

2009-10-16T00:54:00.000-07:00

When I was seeing Bruce, a sexual psychologist, Peter also went along for one session by himself. It was a rare opportunity for two men to compare notes on techniques for female sexual arousal.
Peter told Bruce how he had masturbated a woman on a transatlantic flight. He had told her about some sexual fantasy scenarios while stimulating her clitoris. Apparently, Bruce was very impressed with this story.
His interest in the story (given he was a sex professional) highlighted to me how little adventure the average person has. Real life sexual adventures appear to be particularly important to men.
A female magazine editor was amazed at the response to an article about women’s underwear. Their offices were inundated with correspondence from men interested in women’s panties. Men’s sexual arousal tends to be straightforward whereas women look for a more sophisticated sexual context.
Lonnie Barbach was disappointed when she approached several writers of erotic fiction. “‘Do you really want real experiences?’ One woman wrote. ‘Mine are awfully depressing, by and large. However, I have some fictional scenes that are quite exciting.’ Another said ‘Alas, I am sorry to say that I cannot recall any turn-on real-life experiences. I live a very bland existence. The only fun I have is with my book characters.’” (pxiv Pleasures 1984)
Men are more willing to contemplate casual sex
On a business trip to Germany, Peter’s foreign colleagues met him at the airport. As they drove into the city, they asked Peter whether he was interested in joining them for an evening visit to the brothels of the city. Men seem to think it quite natural that, whether he is married or not, a man is free to consider opportunities for sexual pleasure while he is away from home.
On another business trip to the USA, my partner was shown to his room by one of the hotel maids. As he was putting hs bags down, the maid pulled up her skirt to reveal that she was wearing no underwear. She asked if he needed any other services.
Firstly it is worth noting that if the genders were the other way around, it is likely that a female guest (unless she was extremely liberated or had a good sense of humour) would complain to the hotel about the sexually offensive behaviour of its staff.
Secondly, in offering sex without any provocation the maid must have been fairly confident that at least some men would be interested in having sex with a stranger. It would seem that men take up sexual opportunities as they arise much more readily than a woman would in the same situation.
Naturally there are always exceptions. A young woman in her late twenties told me about a girlfriend of hers. The friend regularly walks up to strange men, perhaps as many as a handful in one eveing, and without even introducing herself starts kissing the man on the mouth. I asked whether any of the men ever objected.
The woman looked at me quizzically and laughed, “What a man object to being kissed by an attractive stranger? Of course not!” It is inconceivable that a man would reject the advances of a woman and yet few women would welcome the same advances from a man even after an introduction.

Making the most of sex play

2009-10-16T00:51:00.000-07:00

Overall my partner and I have been lucky to have enjoyed exploring eroticism and sex play together. Sure we have had our ups and downs like anyone else.
There have also been many positive moments. When I am in a romantic mood, perhaps after a movie or after spending companionable time with my partner, it can be the most exhilarating experience to enjoy passionate kissing while having sex.
There are also times when I feel especially tuned into my sexual fantasies and I want to have adventurous sex with my partner. It is a real luxury to approach sex with a man totally without embarrassment so I can ask him to do whatever I want.
We have had some great weekends away. One time I set out to join Peter, travelling by train from London to an Oxfordshire village. I decided to get in the mood by reading one of my erotic novels. It was a turn-on to reading about sex while surrounded by strangers.
Peter was happy to oblige when we arrived at the hotel. Straight intercourse can be pleasurable when I am already aroused. We knew that we had the whole weekend ahead of us so it was great to approach sex more frivolously than normal.
Another time we flew out to Prague in winter and got cosy straightaway in the hotel room. Peter ran a bath while I lay on the bed reading an erotic story. After bathing with some fellatio thrown in, I lay on the bed still reading while Peter touched me up.
I keep reading until the sensations cause me to want to focus on my own sexual arousal.
Sharing eroticism and sensual massage
We have also had holidays (when the children were taken care of in activities) where we have retired to bed after lunch each day to have a couple of hours sleep and some sex. I would enjoy my partner giving me an erotic massage.
There was no goal of orgasm for me because I have never been able to orgasm from sex. I have enjoyed the sensations of having my clitoral area (up and over the hood of the clitoris) stroked. We would end with vaginal intercourse with my partner on top or beside me so he could continue stroking my clitoris while penetrating my vagina with his penis from behind.
We spent a number of summers sailing in Turkey. Peter liked me to go topless as we sailed along the coast for lunch at a beach restaurant. Holidays have always been a time for us to spend intimate time together.
We notice that other couples often go on holiday with friends: the men engage on activities while the women shop or read by the pool. We often wondered why other couples did not appear to make time for sex during their holiday.
“Some couples find it easy to talk and share together, to explore different ways of making love and discover what each wants. Women who describe this kind of relationship often comment on its quality as a whole, rather than just its sexual aspects.” (p121 Woman’s Experience of Sex)
Over more than twenty years of our relationship, we do not see other couples with an intimacy we envy. No dout there are other couples who have regular sex and enjoy talking together. But it’s rare. We are happy with what we have.
So when I am told that every couple out there is enjoying an idyllic sex life I have to wonder. Most middle-aged couples we come across are rarely even intimate with each other. Perhaps we live a quite life but swingers are, in any case, only on an ego trip.

How to enjoy your sexual fantasies

2009-10-16T00:49:00.000-07:00

Women use clitoral stimulation during female masturbation but that’s just dessert. Main course is scrummy sexual fantasies. Sadly, not every woman learns how to enjoy these delights.
When I first discovered masturbation, I did not have access to any erotic literature. Initially my sexual fantasies were home grown although sometimes based on stories I had already read.
‘The Story of O’ by by Pauline Reage made a big impression on me. I liked the context of a large stately home filled with men who use it as a country club but of course it was a brothel. I liked the idea of the men being rich (of course), masculine and self-assured (experienced).
So many of my early fantasies, which I still use, are based on the idea of a woman being a reluctant slave. Various attendants (usually also male) prepare the woman (me) for sex.
I like to fantasise about group episodes with many men who are either having sex with me or waiting their turn. One scenario is based on servicing men while they are dining around a long table. They penetrate my mouth, vagina or rectum; sometimes more than one man at a time. I don’t like competition and don’t find women’s bodies a turn-on so there are seldom women in my fantasies.
I use ideas such as creams to make my nipples more sensitive or a repository in the rectum to make me want a well-lubricated penis to cool the fire of the irritant. These ideas are intended to be perverse and not necessarily to be enjoyable in reality.
Apparently, some women are able to use their sexual fantasies during sex. Unfortunately, not all women are able to find the focus required to reach orgasm from fantasy when they are engaged on sexual activities with a partner.
Fantasies based on erotic stories
One story I read tells of a woman who agrees to give herself over to an experienced man who wants to show her how enjoyable anal sex can be. He gives her a draught to drink that will clear out her bowels.
He offers her a coffee while they are waiting for the draught to take effect. After a spell on the loo, they shower together and he gives her an enema. By thoroughly cleaning out her rectum they can both be sure that the experience will be more comfortable.
With the lights low, he starts with her face down on the bed and uses a phallic vibrator (dildo) to slowly ease into her anus and help her become relaxed. She lies there with her eyes closed thinking of other things and waiting for the experience to become more comfortable. Gradually she relaxes and starts to feel some sexual arousal.
He turns her over and starts with vaginal intercourse with a finger massaging her anus and penetrating her rectum to relax her muscles. He is eventually able to penetrate her anus with his penis and they have anal intercourse.
Over the course of the evening they have sex a number of times. Often the woman can hardly tell whether he’s in her vagina or her rectum. When he’s penetrating her vagina he uses a finger as a penis replacement in her anus.
I’m not going to tell you about my fantasies around gay men. I suspect this is just an odd perversion of my own. I will tell you about two books I enjoyed. ‘The King’s Men’ by Christian Fall tells the story of young Ned’s sexual adventures during the time of the English Civil War. ‘Hot Valley’ by James Lear is also an historical novel and follows the sexual exploits of Jack (who is a bit of a slut) in the New England of the 1860’s. Well, I like history…

What sex experts have told me

2009-10-16T00:46:00.000-07:00

When my partner and I decided to get married, my partner’s male work colleagues took him out for a beer to try to convince him that marriage would mean the end of his sex life.
Naturally no woman has ever given me the same warning. I accepted early on that a woman needs to invest in sex for her man’s sake. Even so, I was prepared to believe that there was something wrong with me.
So when I first talked to therapists, I simply wanted to understand how other women were able to reach orgasm during sex. What surprised me was that my questions were met with so much defensiveness.
They insisted that women have an equal sex drive and reach orgasm easily during sex with a partner. Later I realised that my own starting point of orgasm through masturbation was part of the problem.
For example, I was shocked to realise that not every sex expert agrees that a woman needs to stimulate her clitoris (her sex organ) in order to orgasm. A male sex expert told me: “We don’t have enough data to say that clit stim is “required” as is fantasy. The fact that some women find that works well for them does not prove it is required. Some women report orgasm by fantasy alone, some by massage of the skin alone, some by BDSM. Kinsey pointed out the huge range of human sexual behavior.”
I agree that BDSM (Bondage, Domination, Sadism & Masochism) may cause sexual arousal. But once a person is sexually aroused why wouldn’t they want to stimulate their genitals (clitoris/penis) in order to experience orgasm? Men certainly do.
Even today most women limit their sexual experiences to vaginal intercourse so they are not necessarily familiar with orgasm. Kinsey only documented what women told him and women in the 1950’s were unlikely to know any better than women today.
Very few women are familiar with orgasm
Many women, even therapists and sex experts, have been unenthusiastic about female masturbation. One marriage guidance counsellor evidently believed that female masturbation was something that only lesbian women did.
It is a given that a man masturbates. Men live with daily erections and they need to release sexual tension through masturbation. Hence the porn magazines. The fact is that relatively few women learn how to masturbate.
Sex experts are never required to acknowledge the limits to their own sexual experiences. So women (and even men) can advise on female orgasm without any direct experience of how a woman reaches orgasm through female masturbation.
The female director a reputable sex clinic in London’s Harley Street, commented: “I also believe that you are still over focused on the clitoris and the view that clitoral stimulation is ‘the real thing’ and that women generally are not satisfied through intercourse; again because of your own experience. I agree with you that in many cases this is the fact, but there are also many women who can have satisfying orgasms through sexual intercourse.“
Women have been quick to insist that they do orgasm from intercourse but they never describe HOW they reach orgasm. If women use clitoral stimulation and sexual fantasies during female masturbation, what do they substitute during sex with a partner? It was this defensiveness and the lack of reasonable explanations for orgasm that caused me to doubt.
A British female therapist commented: “You mention nothing of the G-spot or the fact that he clitoris extends deep into the body cavity and therefore can be stimulation through thrusting. It’s still true that fewer women enjoy orgasm through penetration…”
So why is the fact that some women cannot enjoy orgasm through penetration not published as part of the whole picture of female sexuality? The fact is that many women never to orgasm by any means. Equally the few women, who are familiar with orgasm from masturbation, often never learn how to share the same experience with a partner (and not through lack of trying!).

How a woman can enjoy sex play

2009-10-16T00:43:00.000-07:00

In the novelty of a new sexual relationship, I have explored a variety of sexual activities with a partner. So, in addition to vaginal intercourse missionary style, in the early days we tried oral sex, clitoral stimulation and different positions for intercourse.
I enjoyed the role of the prostitute, giving pleasure to my man, but I never experienced the sexual arousal required for orgasm. The sensations from oral sex were too vague and my clitoris was too sensitive for my partner to be able to stimulate me manually.
For many years, our sex life settled into the usual marital rut of nothing more than vaginal intercourse to male orgasm. It was the easiest way to provide my partner with some sexual relief and involved me in minimal sexual effort.
Once we had children, we would occasionally get away for weekends. These opportunities, plus holidays (with childcare) where we had more time for sex, meant that my partner could spend time masturbating me (from behind) before having intercourse.
I took the contraceptive pill from the age of eighteen until my partner had a vasectomy after the birth of our third child. Around this time, approximately aged 35, I found that vaginal intercourse became much more comfortable and sensual.
I’ll never know whether this effect was age related or the result of coming off the pill. I found that from time to time my body felt more sensual and aroused. As a young woman I was never aware of any sense of physical arousal. Later my mind has become more tuned into eroticism and I can feel my genital area throbbing with excitement.
So every few weeks I become positively engaged on the idea of sexual activity. I wish it were more often but there it is. I guess we just have to be grateful for what we have. I get a lot more out of sex when I am in this state of being psychologically aroused.
Naughtier than vaginal intercourse
When I am feeling aroused, I look forward to sex sessions with my partner. Sometimes we watch a porn movie in the living room. We put a waterproof sheet and large towel over the ottoman. I kneel down and bend over the ottoman.
My partner sits behind with a good view up between my legs from behind. He has control of the baby oil and lube. While we are watching the movie he penetrates me from behind with fingers and penis. I fast forward to the bits of the movie that I like.
Other times we have sex on the bed. As always, we use a waterproof sheet, large towel and lots of lube. We make sure the lights are low so that I can focus fully on the sensations of my partner stimulating me.
We keep a bag of sex toys. Sometimes my partner uses a dildo vibrator to penetrate my vagina while his penis penetrates my anus. Other times he uses a butt plug in my anus while he penetrates my vagina. Always he stimulates my clitoris from behind.
The modern male lover needs to be a bit of an octopus to do all of this simultaneously but never mind… Depending on my levels of arousal, I feel different sensations from sex with a partner. Basically, the more turned on I am the better the feelings.
Vaginal fisting where my partner penetrates my vagina with all the fingers of one hand, sometimes the whole hand, can give me amazing feelings. When his fingers thrust gently backwards and forwards, I am overwhelmed with waves of physical arousal.
Anal sex, usually starting with finger penetration, but usually ending with penile penetration has always been arousing for me. Sometimes we start a sex session with a shower and my partner gives me an enema.
It’s vital to take things slowly and start only with finger penetration. If a woman ends up sore from anal sex, then she will need time to heal up physically but she will also have negative connotations that will put her off trying again.
This is the difficult part for a man. You need to be ready to slow down and even to stop anal sex if the woman is not enjoying it. The woman needs to accept that it is counterproductive to be the martyr here. Keep it fun and arousing!

How to orgasm

2009-10-16T00:41:00.000-07:00

Shere Hite explained how women apply orgasm techniques in order to reach orgasm during intercourse. Women’s sexual arousal and orgasm is not automatic and so women have to learn how to orgasm. Inevitably, such techniques take time to develop.
“ … the two reasons women don’t orgasm during intercourse are:
(1) they are given false information, specifically they are told that the penis thrusting in the vagina will cause orgasm; and
(2) they are intimidated from exploring and touching their bodies… They do not control their own stimulation.” (p53 The Hite Reports 1993)
Research indicates that masturbation is innate but sex itself is learned. We know that vaginal intercourse is reproductive and so we assume it also leads to sexual pleasure.
Unfortunately, female orgasm is not required for reproduction and so vaginal intercourse is not designed, either physically or psychologically, to provide a woman with orgasm. Luckily other sexual activities can be just as enjoyable as (if not more than) intercourse.
Intercourse naturally allows a man to control his own physical stimulation (of the penis) through thrusting. Even if the woman takes the initiative and ‘rides’ her man from on top, she is still stimulating his penis with her vagina. A couple needs to build into their sex life the same freedom for the woman to obtain the clitoral stimulation that she needs.
Clitoral stimulation is not everything
If a woman knows how to masturbate to orgasm, she may be able to obtain the additional clitoral stimulation she needs by applying her orgasm techniques to sex while her man penetrates her. Either her partner stimulates her clitoris or more usually she masturbates herself during intercourse using a rear-entry position e.g. in the spoon position (imagine spoons lying side by side in the drawer).
Of course, this kind of sensitive technique is difficult for a man to learn as he needs to rely on his partner’s feedback. The likely areas, equivalent to the erogenous areas in a man, include the labia themselves (the length of the penis), either side of the labia (the testicles), the entrance to the vagina (base of the penis) and around the anus.
A man needs to learn how his partner reacts when stimulation is pleasurable. The signs of sexual arousal in a woman are subtler than for a man but include the degree and consistency of her vaginal fluids, the extent that the vaginal entrance and labia are swollen and the degree of clitoral erection.
“Forget the missionary position. Most men think that if they stick it in you you’ll be screaming with orgasm, just as long as they keep at it enough” says Ruth, 30. “It’s just not so. No matter how much you pump, nothing is going to happen, apart from her writing a mental shopping list for Tesco. Unless, of course the clitoris is involved. And that’s physically impossible if you’re lying on top.” (Men’s Health magazine Jan/Feb 1998)
Transferring orgasm techniques from masturbation to sex can be difficult for a woman because some sexual fantasies are more difficult to use during sex with a partner. Unfortunately not every woman is able to focus on fantasy during sex.

Men's sexual arousal is much more easily achieved

2009-10-16T00:39:00.000-07:00

In the film ‘True Lies’ Jamie Lee Curtis, as the dowdy housewife turned spy in the role of a prostitute, performs a sexy pole dance for her screen husband Arnold Schwarzenegger.
It seems so natural that a man’s sexual arousal comes from admiring a woman’s body. Yet we never question why a man’s foreplay techniques do not include him using his body to provide a woman’s sexual arousal. For example, a man’s foreplay techniques do not typically include wearing exotic underwear, clothing that accentuates his sexual attributes or moving his body in a provocative manner.
Throughout history, a woman’s priority has been to ensure that she had a man who could protect her (and her children) rather than help her reach orgasm.
“The truth is that, just as women have spent centuries being selected by men for their desirability as sex objects. Women have been evaluating men as success objects. By this we mean that women evaluate men both as successful protectors, particularly in violent times, and as successful providers.” (p34 How Men can get more Sex and Women can get more Love 1994)
The mystery of female sexual arousal
Unfortunately, there is nothing either easy or automatic about female orgasm, especially during sex with a partner. Not only do we lack men’s spontaneous sexual arousal, women also do not get turned on by the physical attributes of a sexual partner in the way that men are.
Nevertheless, portrayals of female sexuality imply that we are able to generate the same levels of sexual arousal as a man even though we lack the same natural advantages. We often have difficulty interpreting our sexual experiences and it is easy to confuse women’s own sexual arousal with their ability to arouse men.
Female sexual arousal is often defined in terms of a woman’s attractiveness to men rather than her own true state of sexual arousal. Even when a woman describe’s herself as ‘turned on’ or ‘horny’ but this is more likely to indicate that she is amenable to having sex than that she is close to orgasm.
“Many men believe that if a woman excites them sexually and looks sexy, she must be experiencing sexual feelings – in other words, if she looks sexy she must feel sexy; if she’s exciting me, she must be excited, too. The man projects his own excitement onto the woman.” (p85 How Men can get more Sex and Women can get more Love 1994)
Men’s sexual arousal is usually easy and, since men hope a lover will enhance their sexual arousal, women often have sex with men for reasons other than their own orgasm:
In the shorter term, a woman can find sex fun and even exhilarating without orgasm if she appreciates being able to excite a man sexually and if her ego is flattered by the sexual compliment
In the longer term, a woman may find other life priorities (such as children) but she still needs to offer a mate enough sex to stop him wandering off with someone more amenable
Some women might hope for an adventurous sex life (or even for sexual arousal and orgasm during sex) but, luckily for all of us, most women do not approach their relationships with men demanding ‘success’ in their sex life. Since women have lower sexual desire they tend to settle for companionship, love and affection, which depend on knowing and liking a person.

Women who want to enjoy sexual pleasure

2009-10-16T00:36:00.000-07:00

When I was growing up there was never any embarrassment over nudity at home. As divorcees, my parents naturally enjoyed sexual relationships with various partners from time to time.
So I have never seen any reason why I should not enjoy the same easy sexual arousal and orgasm apparently promised by erotic fiction. Especially since I have been lucky enough to have:
enthusiasm for erotic literature, sexual fantasy and masturbation;
a sexually attractive body (pretty with a good figure); and
a close relationship with my partner and an adventurous sex life.
I was naturally curious about eroticism because I recognised that sex was a natural part of adult relationships. I saw sex as an adventure to some extent and read avidly about the exploits of prostitutes and call-girls in an attempt to understand how to be a ‘good lover’.
Being a ‘good lover’ appeared to involve being relaxed about nudity, physical sex play and sexually explicit activities. I understood that an ‘uninhibited’ woman would naturally be able to respond to being pleasured in a similar way by a man.
Sex for love or for money?
No one likes to admit it but men often pay for sex (whether by supporting family or paying for dates). Nevertheless, we can differentiate between: (1) sex for pleasure (where men pay directly for sex) and (2) sex for intimacy (within a relationship).
The proposal of the sexual revolution was that the line between these two would become blurred. The suggestion was that in a more liberated world, men and women could hope to share sexual pleasure when they enter into intimate sexual relationships.
Decades after the sexual revolution, to what degree do men find that relationship sex matches their expecations of sex for pleasure? So, for example, men talk of wanting the women in their lives to ‘act like a whore’ in the bedroom. The hitch is that prostitutes are paid for their efforts.
Equally to what degree can a woman hope that relationship sex will match the expectations set by ’sex for pleasure’? The fact is that prostitutes are, after all, not engaging in sex for their own sexual pleasure. In other words, it’s all an act.
I came to realise that the eroticism and sex play that many men hope for is often based on situations where women are being compensated for offering sex. Nevertheless, I have always been determined to make the most of my sexual experiences with a partner. I find it too humiliating (and insulting to my partner) to ‘put up with’ sex, ‘lie back and think of England’ or fake orgasm.
Even though from the very first time, I realised that sex was for the enjoyment of the men in my life, I have been willing to invest in pleasuring them because I cared about them. Their obvious sexual frustration meant that unless I had a good reason, I accepted going along with their desire for sex.
Over time this enthusiasm inevitably has its ups and downs but nevertheless I have been willing to invest effort over decades in exploring ways in which my partner might be able to return the favour. We would like to share some of these ideas with other couples, in case they can be of any help.
WWO is for perfectly normal women who have a good relationship with their partner and no obvious hang-ups about sex. Sometimes the woman knows that something is missing from sex. Other times the man suspects that his partner is faking or hopes that she would be more enthusiastic about sex if he could provide her with the orgasms that he enjoys so easily.
In some cases, the man is much more driven by sex than the woman. In other cases the couple are keen to find new ways of making sex even better over the longer-term. WWO is FOREMOST for couples who have explore a variety of sex play together in a spirit of exploration and adventure and who are open to new ideas.

The sexual revolution set false hopes for female sexuality

2009-10-16T00:33:00.000-07:00

The proposal of the sexual revolution was that, in a modern society with reliable contraception, every sexually ‘normal’ woman would enjoy sexual arousal and orgasm during sex just as men do.
Unfortunately, although only a relatively small sample of women exhibited sexual desire, the popular message was that all women could potentially be as strongly driven by sex and orgasm as men are.
Naturally, there is a bias towards younger and more attractive women but the implication is that all women share in this new found sexuality. Women who did not enjoy sexual arousal and orgasm during sex as easily as men did were now considered to be abnormal, either ‘inhibited’ or even ‘frigid’ (terms never applied to men).
This new definition of female sexuality implied that, once relieved of the old-fashioned female inhibition, truly modern and liberated women’s minds and bodies would respond just the same as men’s had always done. Women were pressured into exaggerating both their sexual desire and their sexual arousal as well as faking orgasm.
Other women often simply accept that sex is one of those areas of human life that will never be truthful or honest. Women have too great an advantage through sex to be willing to admit any potential inadequacy. This explains why women fake orgasm rather than visit a sex clinic. They are not motivated to find an answer they just want to keep the peace.
“… a woman’s sexual fulfilment is much more complex than a man’s. She requires a man with a skilful touch, lots of time, and a loving attitude. For a man, once he is aroused, it is generally a given that he will have an orgasm.” (p72 Mars & Venus in the Bedroom 1996)
The power of female sexuality is to arouse men
When girls become women they learn that men’s response to their body provides them with a tremendous advantage both in earning easy admiration and in their relationships with the opposite sex.
In the film ‘Dangerous Liaisons’ Glenn Close asserts that sex involves women using their sexuality in order to manipulate men. Women’s advantage comes from the fact that men need sex so intensely whereas women do not need sex at all.
This power causes resentment between women because those who pander to men’s sexual fantasies are seen to be capitalising on this male vulnerability and thereby often threatening the stability of marriage and family.
I was naive enough to believe in the promises of the sexual revolution. I was determined to highlight the difficulties for women who hope to reach orgasm with a partner
Women in the 1950’s may have been willing to use their sexuality for their own ends. Hopefully today, there are some women who are prepared to see the benefits in being more honest about what women can hope for from their sexual relationships.
My familiarity with orgasm from masturbation made it more difficult for me to accept a lack of sexual arousal during sex.
The only activities I have found arousing enough for orgasm have been anal sex and vaginal fisting. Even then the sensations are different to orgasm from masturbation (using fantasy).
Something that is very difficult for a man to accept is that even though orgasm is a very pleasant feeling it is still not something that I would miss so much that I would not want to continue living without it. My experience is that sex tends to be much more vital to a man’s sense of well-being.
One man in his sixties with prostate cancer said that without the ability to become aroused and enjoy sex, his life would hardly be worth living. I have never heard a woman admit something similar.

Defending the modern image of female sexuality

2009-10-16T00:30:00.000-07:00

The issue of women’s sexual arousal and orgasm with a partner is surrounded by mis-information, contrary opinions and, above all, defensiveness. More often than not, our understanding revolves around debating OPINIONS rather than the FACTS.
A male doctor claims: “Many, if not most, women by the time they are 30 regularly achieve orgasm during penetrative sex or immediately afterwards with mutual masturbation”.
In the SAME article (The Times, 4th October 2008), a female therapist contradicts: “There is no avoiding the fact that orgasm is problematic for a significant percentage of women”.
One issue is that sources often do not specify whether they are talking about orgasm during masturbation or during sex. For example, (on the basis of a survey) one UK medical site states: “the average British female first learns to reach orgasm at age 19″.
Women are still told they will orgasm ‘naturally’ when they love a man. Romance may cause a woman to be amenable to sex but anyone who is familiar with orgasm will know that reaching orgasm involves a release of SEXUAL emotions not LOVING emotions.
It is often implied that women can generate sexual arousal from purely loving emotions. This indicates a misunderstanding about how sexual arousal is achieved. Even men need to use eroticism (erotic images or the body of a sexual partner) for sexual arousal.
Female sexual arousal is a political issue
Having been been brave enough to ask personal questions about sex, I have been shocked by just how defensive, patronising and openly hostile people have been. Small wonder more women don’t ask questions.
Some women claim orgasms during sex ‘just happen’ but they are rarely able to explain how their arousal works. When faced with women who do not share their experience of easy sexual arousal and orgasm they can be easily offended and quickly become defensive. This has made it very unpleasant to try to understand female sexuality by comparing notes with others.
The FACT that many women never orgasm during sex threatens other people’s confidence in their own experiences. I have not found even one expert who has been willing to talk openly about how to orgasm with a partner.
One woman was ‘highly offended’ by anyone questioning whether women orgasm as easily as men. I’m sorry to burst anyone’s bubble but the evidence is there for anyone to see even if they claim that their own experience makes such a thing impossible.
She continued “Many reports note that in heterosexual sex relationships, the woman’s inability to orgasm is in part due to her partner’s inability to give her an orgasm, among other reasons.” That’s very nice isn’t it? Let’s blame it all on men.
So men are advised that physical stimulation techniques (oral sex, thrusting or the G-spot) will ‘make her scream pure bliss and beg you not to stop all night long’. But if women orgasm as easily as men do then why are these articles needed at all? Why are there no similar articles advising women on how to give their man an orgasm?
I also question not only WHY but also HOW exactly is a man supposed to give a woman an orgasm? Isn’t this slightly patronising? Shere Hite concluded in the 1970’s that the women who succeeded with orgasm (not all by any means) usually did it for themselves. Women LEARN how to orgasm by applying their orgasm techniques (learned from masturbation) to sex.
The fact is that relatively few women masturbate and so they never discover true sexual arousal. If a woman does not know how to give herself an orgasm then it is unlikely that someone else will be able to. Sexual arousal originates in the brain and no man, whatever physical stimulation techniques he uses, can control what happens inside a woman’s head.

Explanations for female sexual arousal

2009-10-16T00:28:00.000-07:00

In response to my article saying that it was ridiculous to suggest that a man can give a woman an orgasm, a man wrote:
“My wife is consistently orgasmic. They are obviously not faked. She can’t fake the cries, the involuntary movements, the demands for more stimulation, and everything else that goes with orgasm.
I’ve offered oral and manual stimulation. She rejects oral because she considers it unhygeinic and a short cut for those who lack skills to do it the regular way. She demands my penis as soon as I have an erection. She orgasms through penile thrusting. …
When I lost my virginity to an older, more experienced woman, she eagerly guided my penis into her. … She obviously enjoyed my penis and got three orgasms from penile thrusting alone.
Several years later another woman begged me to make love to her and I did. She wanted my penis inside of her. … She told me once that her body ached for mine. She wanted a penis inside her.
I admit I have not had as much variety as a lot of men have had, but the women with whom I have had sex have demanded a penis. Judging from the intensity of their orgasms, they’ve been very satisfied and would have it no other way. My wife tells me she lets me caress her to orgasm with my fingers only for my enjoyment. She prefers an orgasm with my penis.”
Why is a man with this experience reading these articles in the first place? If everything works for you then that’s fantastic. I am not questioning that people have these experiences that read like erotic fiction. I am interested in discussing any LOGICAL EXPLANATIONS for how women are supposed to achieve these orgasmic feats given the FACTS of female sexuality.
“Most women do not orgasm as a result of intercourse per se. The overwhelming majority of women require specific clitoral contact for orgasm.” (p29 The Hite Reports 1993)
The clitoris is the female sex organ
The FACT is that the vagina has very few nerve endings. To come across even one woman who can feel sensations in a part of the body without nerve endings would be un-nerving but to come across three such women is positively suspicous.
Why would anyone who is hoping for orgasm ignore their own sex organ? It doesn’t make sense. Why are men so ready to accept that although they need penile stimulation in order to orgasm, women orgasm easily without any genital stimulation?
A woman’s sex organ is the clitoris (which has many nerve endings) and if women experienced true sexual arousal then they would want to stimulate their genitals (through clitoral stimulation) just as men do. Women approach sex with a focus on the penis and penile thrusting because male sexual arousal is much easier to achieve.
Relatively few women masturbate and so most women are unaware of what orgasm is or how to achieve it. They are not necessarily even hoping for orgasm from their sexual relationships because they have no experience of it.
For years I was convinced that vaginal intercourse MUST work. Even though my own experience told me that it did not. Even knowing that clitoral stimulation is required for female orgasm did not help because nothing seemed to work with a partner.
I agree with the experience that clitoral stimulation alone does not guarantee orgasm. But the reason for this is that genital stimulation is only effective once a person is mentally aroused.
Anyone who is familiar with orgasm will appreciate this point. If you cannot find a way to get your mind switched on then it doesn’t matter how much you stimulate your genitals – nothing will happen.
Even when I knew how to orgasm from female masturbation, I did not consider using the same orgasm techniques during sex. Many women find that sex with a lover is incompatible with using sexual fantasies.

Women have a lower sex drive

2009-10-15T07:58:00.000-07:00

Men’s sexual arousal is usually easy whereas women’s sexual arousal and orgasm is not automatic so unsurprisingly we all tend to find it easier to focus on male sexual arousal during sex.
A man’s orgasm is critical to reproduction and so it makes sense that men are motivated by eroticism and able to reach orgasm easily.
Female orgasm, on the other hand, is not required for a woman to conceive. As much as we might hope for women who can orgasm as easily as men even the wonders of modern contraception cannot change women’s sexuality from what Nature intended it to be.
“ …men and women are manifestly not the same. And nor are their responses to one another.” (p6 Bluffer’s Guide to Men 1998)
If a couple has some understanding of the different rewards that men and women obtain from sex, they can make sure that there is a balance of giving and receiving in their sex life. If we understand how our partner’s responses differ to our own, the modern couple can aspire to ‘quality’ sex within the context of a positive and mutually supportive relationship.
Male sexual arousal is much more automatic
Unlike boys, girls do not experience spontaneous sexual arousal and so they have no similar natural motivation to investigate how their genitals might respond to stimulation. A girl has to be willing to explore eroticism and consciously develop her fantasies in order to discover how her sexual arousal works.
So while most young men are quite naturally motivated to explore their own sexual arousal and to reach orgasm through an appreciation of eroticism and genital stimulation, most young women are, just as naturally, more focused on exploring their emotions and relationships with others. As a consequence, men and women approach sex from very different perspectives.
“…many boys, and nearly all girls, are taught that masturbation is evil, … This is nonsense, of course; masturbation has several very positive values, especially for women.… In childhood and adolescence it teaches a girl to explore her body and not to be ashamed of its shape, its texture, and its surfaces. It teaches her, especially, not to be ashamed of touching and playing with her genitals. It does more. It helps a girl become aware of her response to sexual stimuli and to recognize the stages of sexual arousal. And it enables a girl to develop her own sexuality – to know what she enjoys and what she dislikes – which is important if she is to be fulfilled sexually later.” (p107 EveryMan 1980)
The fact that women masturbate much less frequently (if at all) than men is rarely acknowledged. Even when it is, women are reluctant to accept that this fact indicates that men have a higher sex drive. One woman I spoke to had only learned how to orgasm through masturbation at the age of 26 and at the age of 30 had still not been able to orgasm during sex with a partner.
Despite the contrast with male sexuality, where boys learn to masturbate in their pre-teens and where men orgasm easily (most of the time) with a partner, she could not accept that men’s sex drive might be stronger. Even once they have discovered how to reach orgasm, women have to work much harder at generating sexual arousal.
Relatively few women are familiar with their own sexual arousal and even fewer learn how to apply their orgasm techniques to sex with a partner. A woman who has never masturbated herself to orgasm cannot possibly know for sure that she experiences orgasm during sex because she has no way of knowing what orgasm is.
This probably also explains multiple orgasms. Unless a woman knows what orgasm feels like (from masturbation) she can easily confuse sensations of sexual arousal (or thrills of muscle spasms) with orgasm. My body’s reaction after orgasm is similar to a man’s. I feel completely relaxed and I do not have the ability to arouse myself immediately due to clitoral sensitivity.

Male nudity does not lead to women's sexual arousal

2009-10-15T07:38:00.000-07:00

The naked male body can be a beautiful sight and yet our heterosexual society is dominated by images of women’s bodies. The ancient Greeks were more relaxed about homosexuality and their statues show their appreciation of the sensual male nude.
Gay men certainly appreciate the naked male form, including male genitals. Since women tend to be shocked by male nudity, especially genitals, they are censored in our society. Women admire men more for their status or achievements: in smart dress or uniform.
In 1991 Andrew Stanway’s film ‘The Lover’s Guide’ was a break-through in British censorship of films for general release. He was allowed to show the erect penis for the first time but only because his films were intended for educational purposes.
The film ‘The Wedding Date’ includes a scene where Dermot Mulroney is very relaxed about appearing naked in front of a woman (as if!). The woman’s horrified reaction to a man’s genitals not only indicates how female sexuality differs to male sexuality but also provides a clue as to why women’s sexual arousal is much more elusive with a partner.
Men have more to lose by appearing naked because their erection betrays their intimate thoughts. Men don’t want to expose themselves for fear of being sized up or becoming aroused under scrutiny (’The Full Monty’ film indicates men’s insecurities over nudity).
Men’s sexual arousal arises from looking at images of the naked body of a sexual partner, which explains the daily sales of pornographic magazines. Women, who have explored eroticism and learned about their own sexual arousal through female masturbation, will know that female sexual arousal arises more from the context of relationships and sexual scenarios (sexual fantasies) than from images of the male body.
My own nakedness has never bothered me but men’s interest in women’s bodies teaches us to become self-conscious. Women’s bodies are constantly being scrutinised not only by men but also by women. Anyone with a less than perfect body is ridiculed because the assumption is that any women displaying her body in public must be trying to attract male attention.
The film ‘The Calendar Girls’ tells the story of a group of middle-aged women who posed naked, but tastefully, for a calendar. It caused uproar because they were not young women with flawless bodies but women who had given birth or grown old.
Nudity causes men to think about sex even more than usual and they mistakenly assume that women have the same sexual motivations. While I was sunbathing on a nudist beach, one woman bent over to get suncream out of her bag and my partner suggested that she must have done so deliberately so that the men on the beach could enjoy looking at her genitals.
The fact is that she was much more likely to be just getting sun cream out of her bag! That comment made me aware of needing to keep my legs firmly together on the beach. I have been most relaxed when on a gay nudist beach in Mikonos, Greece because I didn’t have to worry that anyone might assume that I was sunbathing nude as a means of making a sexual invitation.

A sexual relationship

2009-10-15T07:16:00.000-07:00

Judy married in the late 1950’s; well before the average woman was informed about what a sexual relationship might involve. Judy’s aspirations were to provide a comfortable home for her family and to enjoy being a wife and a mother.
When I talked to her, Judy was in her mid-sixties with grown up children and a relationship of over 40 years. It was always doubtful whether she would understand a smutty joke but she had a wonderful giggle.
In response to my suggestion that women experience orgasm most easily through masturbation Judy commented: “I am a little bit shocked… I have always thought (totally without any proof) that young men masturbated more than young women. The reason I thought this would be that their thoughts and urges were much stronger in general towards sex.”
Other people mistakenly assume that all young women today can masturbate to orgasm. Even in our ‘modern’ times, it may be that many (if not all) men masturbate but female masturbation is relatively uncommon. Given 99% of men masturbate, only 1% of women need to masturbate to make the following quote true but there is still a considerable bias according to gender!
“People who have never masturbated, while in a statistical minority, should certainly not be made to feel abnormal. … Sexual decisions, in the final analysis must be personal.” (p412 Human Sexuality 1995)
Young women often don’t know how to orgasm and why should they? There are few sources of information to help younger women learn how women’s sexual arousal works or how they can go about enjoying sexual pleasure. Also it can be difficult to find explanations for women’s sexual experiences given that sex advice for women is often misleading.
A sex therapist in her late fifties was totally over-awed by the modern talk of vibrators and orgasm. She was happy to admit her conclusion that young women today are way more experienced than older generations (my view – it depends on the woman). As an ‘expert’ though she confidently advises that clitoral stimulation solves all difficulties with orgasm during sex.
I question whether people giving this advice know, from their own experiences of sex with a partner, that clitoral stimulation automatically leads to female orgasm. The truth is that many women, sex experts or not, have never explored their own sexual arousal and so few are confident to pass on a more realistic view based on their own sexual experiences.
Clitoral stimulation by itself has certainly never produced miracles for me during sex. Equally I am not aware of any research that supports the claim that clitoral stimulation alone is a guarantee of orgasm with a partner. The truth is that even during masturbation, clitoral stimulation only works when combined with the use of highly explicit sexual fantasies.
Women have lower sexual desire
It may have become fashionable (not only acceptable but also actively encouraged) that women should be as positive about sex as men but, whatever the fashion, we cannot change our fundamental biological responses. Flattered by male attention, young women naturally respond by appearing to be ‘more sexual’ than their elders. Unfortunately, society rejects a more representative picture of women’s sexuality because of the cultural pressure to promote women as young and sexy.
In fact the young women I spoke to were just as embarrassed about sex as their elders despite the liberalisation in sexual attitudes. Few women of any age identify with concepts as sexually explicit as clitoral stimulation or female masturbation. The conclusion must be that it is natural and normal for women to be less motivated than men to explore their own sexual arousal.
In any event, lack of orgasm is only a problem if a woman feels that she should have one in the first place. This is likely to be one reason why the scale of the ‘problem’ is rarely acknowledged because, as long as a woman is ignorant of what she is missing, she can happily go through life without ever knowing what an orgasm feels like.
Judy told me how, without preconceptions, a woman simply accepts her experience of sex at face value. Many women, of any generation, never read erotic novels or sex manuals. Being unaware of other women’s experiences, either real or imaginary, they have nothing to reconcile their sexual experiences to. At least Judy was brave enough to comment.
Lack of understanding about female sexuality means most women prefer to say nothing at all. It has certainly made me wonder: if the ‘normal’ experience is to orgasm with a partner then why would more women not be happy to say so?

Positions and techniques for sexual intercourse

2009-10-15T07:05:00.000-07:00

Shere Hite explained back in the 1970’s how the women in her surveys reached orgasm during sex with a partner. She compared women’s success with orgasm during masturbation to their experience of intercourse and concluded that it was the lack of clitoral stimulation that explained the difference.
Women’s sexual arousal and orgasm is not automatic and so women have to learn how to orgasm.
“To have an orgasm during intercourse, there are two ways a woman can increase her chances always remembering that she is adapting her body to less than adequate stimulation.
(1) First and most important, she must consciously try to apply her masturbation techniques to intercourse, or experiment to find out what else may work for her to get clitoral stimulation; or,
(2) she can work out a sexual relationship with a particular man who can meet her individual needs.” (p51 The Hite Reports 1993)
The only women Shere Hite categorised as able to reach orgasm from intercourse alone were those who did not manually stimulate the clitoris during sex. In attempting to understand how these women were successful with intercourse, she concluded that they usually took steps to ensure that they maximised the effects of indirect clitoral stimulation (from the action of the penis thrusting in the vagina) by finding suitable positions and techniques for sexual intercourse.
Finding an effective position for intercourse can take years
Liz, an attractive professional woman in her late forties, was confident in offering me advice. She told me to get a copy of Alex Comfort’s book ‘Joy of Sex’ and that “everything else would follow”. She and her partner had found a position for intercourse that made it possible for her to reach orgasm. They had evolved their use of this position over a number of years not by explicit discussion but through trial and error. Liz confirmed that she used sexual fantasies during sex for sexual arousal and orgasm.
Of the women I talked to, those who told me they experienced orgasms during sex were often dismissive of female masturbation. Without the experience of orgasm from masturbation, a woman is more accepting of sex without orgasm. If over time, she does eventually find a way to make intercourse orgasmic then she only stands to be pleasantly surprised. Since these women have no other sexual outlet, if they are ever to enjoy indulging their sexual instincts it has to be during sex with a partner.
“Twenty-five to 30 percent of women climax without additional clitoral stimulation. Experts believe these women may have a larger clitoris than usual so it’s more easily ‘rubbed’ by a thrusting penis.” (p101 Hot Sex – 1998)
Liz was evidently not relaxed about discussing sex and admitted that she was unenthusiastic about female masturbation. Ten or more years into a relationship, many couples will be in their thirties. The man is likely to be less trigger-happy and hence able to spend longer stimulating his partner through thrusting. The woman may find that her body is more receptive to being aroused. A healthy amount of ‘inhibited’ under-the-covers sex (with the lights off) would actually facilitate a woman’s use of sexual fantasies.

Sex advice for women is often misleading

2009-10-15T06:54:00.000-07:00

Natalie, a woman in her late twenties, had a close relationship with her mother who was a doctor. I approached Natalie hoping that a mother with a medical background might be more likely than others to have discussed her sexual experiences with a daughter.
When young women have difficulty reaching orgasm during sex, it can be difficult for them to find answers. Natalie was relieved and grateful on realising that she was not alone experiencing a lack of sexual arousal during sex. She was too embarrassed to talk to me but wrote: “On reading your book, I spoke to my mum who said (I quote!): ‘Of course you don’t orgasm during sex!’ Like this was a well known fact!!!!”
For me, Natalie epitomised the modern professional young woman: successful, attractive and confident. Tall and slim, she wore her blond hair cut short, which gave her a sweet elfish look.
I envied the easy-going friendships she maintained with her male work colleagues both within and outside the workplace. Despite her predicament, it was evident that Natalie had never been either brave or curious enough to look for explanations for women’s sexual arousal through reading or talking to someone.
“Everything you talk about in your book, particularly with reference to your problems with having an orgasm during sexual intercourse, I had been having the same problem. For many years, I had thought there was something wrong with me but was just too embarrassed to talk to anyone about it.”
“In fact, I once heard on a radio talk show someone called in and said they couldn’t orgasm during sex. The response to the person having the problem was to blame this on the man!” Holding men responsible for women’s sexual arousal makes men feel inadequate and puts pressure on women to fake orgasm.
It’s amazing that we think we live in the age of information and at a time when people have relatively relaxed attitudes towards sex. Yet this educated young woman was still unable to find information to explain her experience of sex or even to talk to her friends or to her mother. Young women often don’t know how to orgasm and unfortunately there are very few sources of information to help them learn.
The taboo over revealing information of a personal nature means that we respect the fact that sex experts never discuss their own sexual experiences. But sex is personal and anyone advising others about sex should have their relevant personal experiences on public record. Currently, anyone (even a man) is entitled to advise women on orgasm even if they have no qualifying experience.
Natalie told me: “As a result (of reading your book) my relationship with my partner has stepped up a level. I had been reluctant to have sex with him for about a year as I had it in my head that HIS inability to make me orgasm during intercourse must mean I didn’t love him or don’t want to be with him…!”
“Waiting for the Right Man to make us orgasm is like waiting for the prince to come.” (p254 The Hite Report 1976)
Why is it so difficult to find answers? Female orgasm is not required either for men’s enjoyment of sex or for successful reproduction. To keep her man happy and to have a family, a woman is more likely to be concerned with the basics of whether sexual intercourse is possible than with orgasm (the cherry on the cake!).
So typically sex experts deal with sexual dysfunction (primarily problems with male sexual performance). Any problem with female sexual performance, even though considered to be a sexual dysfunction, is not as well understood. The vast majority of women accept their experience of sex or are too embarrassed to question. Since relatively few women are seeking answers there is little funding to improve our understanding of female sexual arousal and orgasm.

Young & sexy

2009-10-15T06:47:00.000-07:00

young woman complained about the male attention she got every time she left the hostel on 42nd Street in Manhattan, dressed in her high heels and low cleavage. Yes, well… It is relatively easy for a woman to attract a man’s attention by enhancing her looks.
It is more difficult for her to cash in on the advantage by enjoying orgasm with a partner. Women do not experience the spontaneous arousal that men do and so women do not have the same need for orgasm. A woman is rarely seeking sex in the sense that a man does.
All this is very confusing for men. They see a woman who has apparently gone to great deal of effort to attract their attention. Naturally a man assumes that she must be interested in sex. Looking at this issue from the other side, since men never put on make-up or dress provocatively we might conclude they are not interested in sex.
Of course this does not follow. The sexes have different but complementary roles. The woman’s role is to attract a man’s attention. The man’s role is to take the initiative in making an advance towards a woman he finds attractive. So women’s bodies are a sexual commodity in a way that men’s rarely are.
Men want control in sexual situations because ultimately it is their sexual performance that is key to any sexual relationship and, of course, to reproduction. So men have the initial choice of selecting a woman they find attractive but women have the choice to accept or decline their offer. These behaviours are fundamental to our dating and mating rituals.
Rich men tend to marry women who are attractive rather those who succeed alongside men in the academic or commercial world. So, in our heterosexual society, even women tend to judge other women by their looks rather than their achievements.
Women have lower sexual desire
One year at college I lived with six other female students. Two of them were always entertaining young men in their rooms. The rest of us assumed that they must have been having sex with at least some of the stream of men who came through our flat. My conclusion was not that they achieved sexual satisfaction with these men but that they enjoyed being so popular.
Most women need a stable relationship in which there is a high degree of trust and good communication in order to experience good sex. One-night stands can only be fuelling a woman’s ego and satisfying her vanity. Ironically, young women often lack confidence and being promiscuous is an easy way to be popular, with men at least.
Women’s difficulties with sexual arousal and orgasm are often blamed on low libido but women naturally have a lower sex drive than men as evidenced by:
our enthusiasm for eroticism, either visual pornography or erotic stories;
our willingness to indulge in sexual fantasies;
the pleasure we obtain from admiring the sexual attributes of the opposite sex;
how frequently we masturbate; and
our motivation to initiate sex with a partner.
So, for example, when I have offered my partners oral sex (fellatio) they almost swoon with pleasure and yet I rarely find oral sex (cunnilingus) arousing enough for orgasm. Even women who orgasm from cunnilingus need the circumstances to be just right and I suspect that few women would be willing to pay for the pleasure as men do.
The oldest profession (prostitution) says it all: a relatively few women provide sex for many more men. Of course the women are shamed for making money out of men’s need. Yet men often compensate women financially for sex – not an indication of equal pleasure. Even in our supposedly liberated times over 90% of the Internet provides some form of sex for men.
Inevitably there must be some women who are sexually insatiable and some men who are unmoved by sex but these individuals do not represent the ‘norm’. Most women never talk about lost sexual opportunities. They talk about commitment and trust. This enormous gap between the sexes means that most women remain terribly naïve about men’s sex drive.

Enjoying sexual pleasure

2009-10-15T06:43:00.000-07:00

When it was suggested recently that schools in the UK should explain the role of the clitoris to very young children, mothers were up in arms. The information that caused offence was the fact that a girl might find it pleasurable later in her life to touch her clitoris.
There was no similar uproar over boys’ sexual anatomy. Were the boys also told that their willies might give them pleasure later on? Of course, boys discover their sexuality ‘naturally’ and many people believe that girls should be left to ‘naturally’ not discover their’s.
One mother believed that her five-year-old should be left alone in childish innocence to spend her time ‘pushing her dolly around in a stroller’. One has to wonder whether children as young as five would be very interested in this information even if they could comprehend what they were being told. But what about that dolly in the stroller?
To have a real baby a man’s orgasm (ejaculation in particular) is essential. We may accept men as sexual beings but not every woman thinks that an explicitly sexual phenomenon such as orgasm is either relevant or appropriate for women. The fact is that a woman’s orgasm is not required for her to become pregnant and so only describes a relatively small part of female sexuality.
“Intercourse is necessary for reproduction, and sexual pleasure and orgasm are involved with reproduction. But exactly how? Looking closer, one sees that only male orgasm during intercourse is necessary for reproduction.” (p37 The Hite Reports 1993)
Many women relate to their role as a mother (the reproductive aspects of female sexuality) but are less comfortable with the idea that women can enjoy sexual pleasure through their own sexual arousal and orgasm. Since the concept of female sexuality (in the orgasmic sense as opposed to just having babies) is alien to them, many women would never even necessarily choose to discover orgasm.
A fascinating collection of letters by two literary men, who correspond with each other between 1955 and 1962, provides some enlightenment. Rupert Hart-Davies explains his extra-marital affair, which came about after his wife lost interest in sex: “She is one of the (I suspect) many women whose sex instincts are in fact wholly directed to the production of children, and when their quiver is full they want no more (as they say in the courts) intercourse.”(p150 ‘The Lyttelton Hart-Davies Letters’ 2001)
Women have to learn to appreciate eroticism
Girls need information and encouragement if they are to experience what boys learn more spontaneously. If girls explore sexual activities other than intercourse, not only might they discover orgasm but also ways of enjoying sex with a partner with a lower risk of pregnancy (oral sex, for example).
Many people believe in sheltering young women from eroticism and yet an appreciation of eroticism is fundamental to women understanding their relationships with men. After all, sex is the glue that motivates a man to support a family.
“The person who said that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach was aiming too high” (p98 Why men don’t listen 1999)
Women may be able to simply ‘put up with sex’ in the short-term but over the longer-term, a man hopes for a woman who is positively engaged on enjoying the intimate time they spend together. A woman, who is familiar with orgasm, is more likely to relate to men’s enjoyment of sex and, therefore, more likely to be willing to invest in sex.
If both partners are co-operating with each other, we can now support each other’s life goals of both family and an active sex life.

How to use a vibrator to discover orgasm

2009-10-15T06:21:00.000-07:00

Laura was educated and cultured but she also had a worldliness and the classy sex appeal that attracts the most ambitious men. In her early thirties, Laura told me that she had always been confident that she had orgasms during sex.
Then at the age of twenty-eight, a liberated friend told her how to use a vibrator to find out about female masturbation. Her friend was so convinced that Laura should try the experience that she took her to a department store to buy the gadget. If only we all had friends like this!
Laura admitted that this piece of equipment sat in her bedroom drawer for some time before she was brave enough to give the thing a try. Eventually she did and appreciated for the first time in her life what orgasm was. Laura usually masturbated as a means of going to sleep as well as indulging in the occasional urge to enjoy orgasm.
Tracy Cox gives ten good reasons to masturbate including: “It releases tension and helps us sleep – a secret sleeping pill without any side-effects!” (p18 Hot Sex 1998)
Great sex life even without orgasm
Having told me that she had never had an orgasm with a man even now, Laura went on to describe some of her sexual encounters as ‘totally amazing’. Laura did not see any contradiction because, for her, sex with a man was about personal chemistry. Laura got a great ego boost from the sexual power of being pursued by men.
In over ten years of sex with different partners, Laura had always assumed that she experienced orgasm during sex. It was only once she discovered masturbation that she found out what real female orgasms felt like. Despite the evidence of her own experience, Laura still believed her friends when they said that they had orgasms during sex.
Laura even believed her mother who said that she had never had a problem with orgasm. We now have more information and more opportunity to explore our sexuality but our expectations are correspondingly higher. Thanks to the pill, women today come to question their sexual experiences in a way that women who had children earlier in their lives probably had little time for.
It is easy for a woman to pleasure a man and the fantasy leads us to assume that it ought to work the other way around. When it doesn’t, both partners can end up feeling inadequate. Laura admitted that she felt selfish in asking a man to spend longer than a few minutes on pleasuring her as she knew it would take far too long for him to be able to arouse her sufficiently.
“During ‘sex’ as our society defines it both people know what to expect and how to make it possible for the man to orgasm. The whole thing is prearranged, preagreed. But there are not really any patterns or prearranged times and places for a woman to orgasm – unless she can manage to do so during intercourse. So women are put in the position of asking for something ‘special’, some ‘extra’ stimulation…” (p61 The Hite Reports 1993)
Laura still hoped that one day she might discover how she could orgasm during sex. Despite Shere Hite’s suggestion that nature never intended women to orgasm from intercourse, women today still have the strong impression that they should.

Women's sexual dysfunction

2009-10-15T06:07:00.000-07:00

Some sources estimate that 10% of women are ‘an-orgasmic’, that is, they never experience orgasm under any circumstances. Women who can only orgasm during masturbation are referred to as ‘pre-orgasmic’.
“Only about half of all the women who have told me about their sexual experiences say they usually have orgasms during lovemaking. The others either do not have orgasms, or find that they usually have an orgasm only when masturbating.” (p80 Woman’s Experience of Sex 1983)
The number of men who cannot orgasm during sex throughout the whole of their lives is negligible whereas, for women, the relevant proportion appears to be around 50% (including an-orgasmic and pre-orgasmic women).
Even these statistics for women’s sexual performance are likely to be optimistic because women who respond to surveys or talk to others about sex are already in a minority. Bluffers, fakers and sex surveys represent the views of only a tiny minority of women. Many other women justify their sexual relationship in terms of loving their partner or having children rather than as a means of enjoying their own sexual arousal and orgasm.
Surrounded by unrealistic portrayals of female sexuality in the media, women often conclude that they are abnormal when they are, in fact, facing a very normal dilemma with sex and their relationships. Instead of reassuring women, sex information today often implies that women’s sexual experiences are dysfunctional. It is also implied that clitoral stimulation solves any problem with orgasm but the truth is that some completely normal women never orgasm with a partner by any means.
Bias in sex surveys
Explanations for women’s sexual arousal simply do not add up. We cannot reasonably categorise such a high percentage of women as having a sexual dysfunction and so it would seem that there is nothing abnormal about either an-orgasmic or pre-orgasmic women. Such women do not have a ‘problem’ at all. They simply need to accept that this is the way things are for many women who hope for orgasm in their sexual relationships.
“Shocking though the statistics are, many women have found it secretly comforting to discover they are not the only ones who experience this enormous discrepancy between masturbation and intercourse. For years I was unable to have an orgasm except by masturbation, and assumed I was a freak. I remember the relief when I discovered Hite…” (p207 Satisfaction Guaranteed 1996)
“Furthermore it’s a pretty safe guess that the statistics are worse than that. Because if it’s a volunteer sample, the women most likely to come forward and be candid about sex are likely to be those who are also successful with sex. And while many people might be tempted to pretend they do orgasm when they don’t, few are likely to pretend that they don’t when they do. That’s about as probable as a woman claiming she weighs ten stone when she actually weighs nine.” (p19 Women’s Pleasure 1993)
Women are only judged to be sexually dysfunctional while we insist that their sexuality works the same way as men’s. Once we accept that women have a fundamentally different (and lower) response to sexual stimuli than men typically have, we can start to understand and accept female sexuality for what it truly is.

Some women never tune into eroticism

2009-10-15T05:57:00.000-07:00

Angela, a woman in her early twenties, was having relationship problems with her boyfriend of six months. She was upset that he enjoyed looking at other women. She got him to agree to stop buying pornographic magazines, which she found demeaning.
”Porn to men is not a big deal. They honestly can’t see how watching a sexy film can be any sort of reflection on their love for their girlfriend. Most don’t understand why she takes offence because, as far as they’re concerned, every guy does it. They’re right. Research shows the infrequent porn user is your average guy – 90 per cent of them. He’s not a deviant, he just likes looking at sexy pictures. It’s got a lot to do with what turns each sex on. Usually, men are turned on more by pictures and visual images, women are turned on more by words. Now, that’s a massive generalisation, but true in a lot of cases.” (p235 Hot Relationships 1999)
She believed that if he loved her, he would only want to look at her body. Angela was also disgusted by the idea that men can enjoy eroticism outside a loving relationship. I was surprised by her reaction because it has never occurred to me to place limits on my partner’s enjoyment of eroticism. Equally, I cannot imagine limiting my own thoughts at his request. Angela, still very much in love, was confident that she experienced orgasm with her partner but told me that she did not use fantasy.
Emotional orgasms
Angela was sure that the arousal she gained, although driven through her emotional psychology, resulted in real female orgasms. Even the first time and every time afterwards, intercourse was orgasmic for her. Angela thought that her sexual arousal stemmed from the idea that her partner found her sexually attractive. She said that she could not orgasm from the missionary position and that she needed to be ‘on top’. Who knows? Some sources suggest that women who orgasm during intercourse have a more prominent clitoris or, perhaps, it is simply that their sexual fantasies (or expectations?) map more easily onto reality.
I asked Angela how she knew that she was not having ‘emotional orgasms’ (peaks of sexual arousal). Angela was confident of her interpretation of her experiences. Growing up reading Cosmopolitan magazine, she called herself a ‘Cosmo Girl’ who was well informed about female masturbation and orgasm. Of course, just because a woman has read about other women’s experience of orgasm this does not necessarily mean that she knows how to achieve the same for herself.
Angela had disliked eroticism ever since puberty when her father, brother and their friends made her feel degraded by their lewd sexual remarks. It’s a shame that some women are so sensitive to men’s sexual remarks, which are more often than not intended as a compliment. The problem arises because many women associate eroticism with being considered ‘dirty’.
A young American woman, who had only twenty four hours in Rome, felt so threatened by the young men of Rome that she vowed to spend her whole trip in the women’s hostel. Admittedly, Italian men are the most voluble and persistent of any nation that I have been to! I have always accepted male heckling with a smile and interpreted any sexual innuendo as a compliment.

Transferring orgasm techniques to sex

2009-10-15T05:47:00.000-07:00

Women’s orgasm techniques leant from masturbation (including both clitoral stimulation and use of sexual fantasies) are not always easy to apply to sex with a partner. My own experience was that the contrast between sex with a partner and masturbation alone was so extreme that it never even occurred to me to try to combine the two experiences.
Men dislike wearing condoms because they reduce the stimulation of the penis. Imagine then the position of a woman during intercourse! Sexual intercourse without any additional clitoral stimulation is a bit like wearing a rubber boot as a condom!
“Most women conclude at some point in their lives that the female body is badly designed.” (p19 Bluffer’s Guide to Women 1998)
Men’s sexual arousal is so much more obvious and easier to achieve: you touch them just about anywhere, wear something provocative or nothing at all. In the absence of my own sexual arousal, it was much easier to accept my partner’s love-making and facilitate his orgasm. Women’s sexual arousal and orgasm is not automatic but neither is it obvious (even to a woman) how women’s sexual arousal with a partner works. I did not know where to start to suggest what my partner might try to arouse me.
Female masturbation may help but is no guarantee
The fact was that I had never considered masturbation to be a legitimate part of sex. Masturbation was purely a mechanism for assisting me in getting to sleep and for enjoying the pleasures of orgasm. Even though I knew that sexual fantasies worked when I was alone, it was as if it would be an insult to my partner to start reading a sexy story when his body was next to mine.
“Women also often find it easier to fantasise when self-pleasuring than in sex with a partner. The immediacy of someone else’s needs actually inhibits the expression and satisfaction of their own. Some also say they have to imagine that the person making love to them is not the person they know so well.” (p65 Woman’s Experience of Sex 1983)
Women, who say they orgasm from sexual intercourse but do not masturbate, do not necessarily have it all figured out; it’s just that they have no comparison. There is even sometimes an implication that female masturbation may prevent a woman from having an orgasm with a partner. This is, of course, based purely on superstition rather than logic as Shere Hite explains.
“Perhaps if you masturbate, you can get a fixation on your clitoris and are thus unable to come during intercourse.”
“The fact that I’ve been masturbating since I was ten has made it more difficult for me to orgasm vaginally.”
These two quotes came from women who replied to Shere Hite’s survey. She replies: “The truth, however, is just the opposite: masturbation increases your ability to orgasm in general, and also your ability to orgasm during intercourse. Why not? It’s the same stimulation. … Of course, masturbation to orgasm does not automatically enable you to orgasm during intercourse. There is no mystical connection between the two – just the practical experience with orgasm – how it feels and how to get it.” (p51 The Hite Reports – 1993)

Not every woman is attracted to eroticism

2009-10-15T05:36:00.000-07:00

Most girls probably read romantic stories but not everyone is comfortable with the more explicitly sexual nature of erotic stories, which help a woman develop the sexual fantasies that lead to orgasm. Our sexual fantasies represent the aspects of sex that we find most arousing and hence most taboo.
“Although every child learns that pretending is an important type of play, sexual fantasies after childhood are usually not thought of as playful. This attitude may exist because sex is usually regarded as a serious matter, even in the imagination. Furthermore, some religious traditions regard a thought as equivalent to an act; thus, a person who has ‘immoral’ sexual daydreams or desires is as sinful as a person who acts on those impulses.” (p413 Human Sexuality (fifth edition) 1995)
Women have more conscious choice over their sexual arousal
Men might feel embarrassed (or they might not!) as they head off to buy their pornographic magazines. Their regular need to release sexual frustration through orgasm is such that men do not have the luxury of deciding to be ‘pure’. Women’s sexual arousal and orgasm is not automatic as a man’s tends to be and so women have to learn how to orgasm.
Women are not attracted to eroticism as easily as men on average (in fact the majority of women find almost any form of eroticism objectionable). Equally a woman has much more conscious control over the extent to which she allows herself to indulge in the erotic thoughts that might lead to enjoying orgasm. Since female masturbation is relatively uncommon many women never discover orgasm and do not necessarily even have hopes for enjoying sexual pleasure with a lover.
“ … fantasy and sexual desire often merge together. People with low levels of sexual desire typically have few sexual fantasies…” (p415 Human Sexuality (fifth edition) 1995)
A good-looking and successful guy in his mid-forties, was very popular with the ladies. Ironically, he was always hoping for a long-term partner but so far had only managed serial relationships (some lasting months and some years). He told me that not one of the women he had been with over the years had been open to the idea of watching porn movies.
Many women never discover orgasm through masturbation and hence never know what they are missing. Having enjoyed orgasm throughout my adult life, it is definitely an experience I would not want to have missed but I can quite see why many women are happy to do without.
“For most women orgasm does not have this central role in life. And if it does, it tends to be for a small part of their lives, and often to melt into the background against other significant experiences and other expressions of their sexuality.” (p80 Woman’s Experience of Sex 1983)

Is sexual arousal with a partner really so easy?

2009-10-15T05:22:00.000-07:00

approached my adult life in anticipation of a mutually enjoyable sex life. This optimism was fueled by my love of erotic literature, which I read avidly as a teenager. I enjoyed exploring my sexual fantasies and by the age of seventeen I discovered the pleasure of orgasm through female masturbation.
When I came to experience sex for the first time at the age of eighteen with a man I cared for and respected (notice that it is only women who are supposed to need these factors in order to enjoy sex), I was disappointed because the experience left me cold – not even the hint of any sexual arousal.
Apparently I was not the first woman to have this experience. In fact, after consulting a sex clinic and reading all the available information I could find over many years, it seemed that my experience was – QUITE NORMAL.
So why were other women not as outraged as I was? Did other women not want to highlight to younger generations that the impression that women’s sexual arousal during sex is easy – IS A LIE?
Very few women are willing to question the media portrayals of the sexually aroused and spontaneously orgasmic women because by so doing, they potentially expose their own sexual inadequacy. So it is assumed that most women must experience at least some sexual pleasure with a partner. I doubted this simply because I found so few women who were prepared to be open about sex.
Equally women who did claim to orgasm with a partner were inexplicit and full of bravado. They avoided questions by implying that anyone who doubted the mutual pleasure of sex must be sexually inadequate. In fact, this is a form of intimidation or bullying. It is a defensive behaviour.
We all know that there are women who are less than enthusiastic about sex. But no one is interested in their point of view. We assume that they are a minority who lack the normal sexual responses.
After taking fairly extreme steps, I was able to confirm that my partner and I were a perfectly normal couple. So when you press the point, experts do admit that a woman is likely to find orgasm considerably more elusive than a man does.
And yet, it is still difficult to find this fact publicised anywhere or anyone willing to agree that a man might stand to gain more directly from a sexual relationship. The fact is that people, who earn their living from the sex industry, only make money by providing the public with what we want to hear – fantasy more often than reality.
To me it was so evident when I met my first boyfriend that I couldn’t understand why every woman didn’t have the same reaction. Perhaps they were not as open with their men. How can you admire a man’s easy erection and his orgasm without appreciating that women just don’t have it as easy?
Even when we do orgasm it is just a pleasure – very nice and very enjoyable. But it does not provide the central meaning to life. Men just die with pleasure as soon as they get into your knickers.
Come on! It’s just not the same for women. I wish it were…
Of those women that have talked about their sexual experiences (the few that I can believe because they talk about their experiences in a way that tallies with the facts that I know about female sexuality from my own body’s reactions) most have had much the same experience as me. These women are in a minority because, after ten years of attempting to talk to women about sex, the vast majority of women say nothing and I suspect have no particular ambition to understand their sexuality.
Of course there will be people who object to what I am saying. I understand that. It is not possible to question the status quo without causing discomfort.

How to women reach orgasm with a partner?

2009-10-15T05:14:00.000-07:00

Everyone says “but it all works fine for other women”. My question is “How?”
Men have more testosterone. Men get turned on by anything that moves in a skirt with legs. They masturbate to a man from a young age. They heckle, they ask women to dance, they proposition, etc. Etc.
What do women do? They wait to be asked. Is that a sign of sex drive or sexual arousal?
I don’t mind being proven wrong. If all those millions of other women want to come forward and tell me how their sexuality works to enable them to reach orgasm pretty much as spontaneously as men, then I’d really like to hear from them.
In fact, I would like to hear from any woman on the planet who is willing to stand by her sexual instincts. I don’t mind if she’s never had a sexual urge or orgasm in her life. That at least is believable.
What is not believable is anyone who suggests that women respond sexually much as men do.
When you look around the web it is interesting to see just how rare it is that a woman describes exactly how she reaches orgasm with a partner. There’s lots of talk about female orgasm and what it feels like but women know this from female masturbation.
Expert advice about lack of orgasm often focuses on the suggestion that women might be suffering from some vague psychological trauma or have relationship difficulties. Others question whether orgasm is even that important. All these comments indicate that we are talking about women because men would not relate to this advice.
Some experts suggest that women need to employ relaxation and muscle tensing exercises in order to orgasm with a partner. Imagine suggesting this to a man! Exactly how does it help with arousal if you clench your pelvic muscles? No one ever comments on the mental aspects of arousal.
Despite the fact that women use fantasy during female masturbation, there is no discussion of how women might also use sexual fantasies during sex. If they do not use fantasy then what do they substitute during sex in place of fantasy? We know that women do not get turned on by a lover’s body in the same way that men do.
Other experts use intimidation tactics. Some suggest that if a woman knows how to orgasm from female masturbation then it is as simple as doing the exact same thing during sex with a partner. Others suggest that women need to be more assertive in telling their partner what physical stimulation they need during sex. The effect is to trivialise the difficulties that women have with orgasm.
By patronising women and implying that female orgasm with a partner is easy, experts silence women. In fact, they use these techniques to have their suggestions accepted, however ineffective they might be. Some women may be able to orgasm with a partner with additional (manual or oral) clitoral stimulation but this does not mean that all women will be able to.
Experts never disclose how they (or their partners, in the case of male experts) achieve the psychological sexual arousal necessary for orgasm during sex. The implicit assumption is that women experience the same kind of spontaneous arousal from a sexual partner’s body much the same as men do and that physical stimulation techniques are all that is required in order to enable women to orgasm during sex.

Women's psychological sexual arousal

2009-10-15T05:05:00.000-07:00

Men’s easy arousal leads to the misconception that sexual arousal relies purely on PHYSICAL stimulation. But anyone who is familiar with orgasm will know that physical stimulation (of the genitals) is only effective if there is accompanying PSYCHOLOGICAL arousal.
So although it is often implied that a woman can become sexually aroused during sex through physical stimulation, including clitoral stimulation, it is highly unlikely that such techniques will lead to female orgasm unless a woman is simultaneously aroused in her mind.
Few men would attempt to reach orgasm without stimulating their penis and yet many experts still claim that clitoral stimulation is not necessary for a woman to orgasm during sex. It is true that women do not tend to approach sex looking for genital stimulation but this is because they are not necessarily in a state of mental arousal where genital stimulation makes sense.
Since relatively few women masturbate, most women are unfamiliar with what orgasm feels like and how to achieve it. Instead of seeking genital stimulation from sex, many women prefer to limit their sexual experiences to vaginal intercourse, called ‘making love’.
After all the role of the clitoris (as the female sex organ) was identified not from women’s experience of sex but from their experience of masturbation. Where as men use EROTIC IMAGES during masturbation, women use EROTIC STORIES to achieve the psychological arousal needed for orgasm. So although female masturbation indicates that a woman needs clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm, it is only effective when combined with the use of sexual fantasies.
Men’s transition from masturbation to sex is relatively straightforward because they become aroused through an appreciation of their partner’s body, which is a natural substitute for images of naked women that they use for masturbation. Women do not tend to use images of naked men for masturbation.
Women use erotic stories during masturbation so why would they use some other mechanism during sex with a partner? It doesn’t make sense to assume that they can find a partner’s naked body arousing enough for orgasm during sex when they don’t use images of naked men during masturbation.
If women do not use fantasy during sex, then how else do they become psychologically aroused? I have spent over 10 years talking to women about sex and some admit that they use sexual fantasies to achieve orgasm with a partner. No one has come up with any other convincing alternatives as yet.
I have tried to use my sexual fantasies during sex with a partner but I have not been able to achieve the focus required. Apparently some women’s fantasies are of a complex nature that makes them unsuitable for use with a partner.
All too often women’s sexual arousal is shrouded in mystery. Even today it is popularly suggested that female orgasm just happens ‘naturally’ or with the assistance of a loving partner. If men need to use eroticism for arousal and genital stimulation for orgasm then it is highly likely that women might need to use similar techniques if they are to experience orgasm.
In similar fashion, people continue to believe that women can hope to reach orgasm with a partner when they have never masturbated. Even though men learn how their sexual arousal works through masturbation the implication is that women can orgasm without the benefit of the same learning process.
The implication of these assumptions is that women would have to be MORE sexual than men if they are assumed to be able to orgasm without the arousal techniques and learning processes that men typically employ.

How do women become sexually aroused during sex with a partner?

2009-10-15T04:51:00.000-07:00

The big hole in all the explanations is: what do women use for sexual arousal, that is their psychological arousal, during sex with a partner? It’s straightforward during female masturbation because a woman can focus fully on fantasy.
It is likely to be much more difficult for a woman to generate the same conditions during sex. This has nothing to do with inhibition, personal embarrassment or the desire to put a man’s needs first. It’s like deep meditation – it takes great focus and concentration to use sexual fantasies effectively.
After decades of trying different orgasm techniques with a partner I have not been able to replicate the exact same sensations of orgasm that I get from masturbation. I do get some really nice physical feelings from anal stimulation and sometimes from vaginal fisting but these orgasms are different from those I get by using fantasy.
I am willing to go through the personal embarrassment of revealing the exact nature of my sexual experiences in the hope that other women might be encouraged to come forward and do the same. Of course, the worry is that I have no way of knowing that my sexual responses are normal.
But what exactly is normal? For example, I might describe to you the pleasure I get from Mathematics: the subject I studied at university. It’s likely that my knowledge and understanding of Mathematics exceeds that of the average person in the population. This does not make my experience abnormal any more than it makes other people’s experiences abnormal. We can all have normal responses and still be different to each other.
Likewise my sexual experiences are likely to be different to other women. I read erotic novels as a teenager, discovered female masturbation to orgasm at the age of seventeen and then spent decades trying a variety of techniques during regular sex with a partner. How many women put this much effort and enthusiasm into exploring their sexual arousal?
My motivation to pursue this topic has been driven by the unreasonably defensive response I have had from others. I have asked legitimate and logical questions by being totally honest about my sexual experiences. In return, I have been patronized and given emotional answers by people who have never volunteered to support their opinions with their own personal experiences.
I am a perfectly normal woman with normal sexual responses. Yet because other women claim to experience easy sexual arousal, the implication is that woman who admits to difficulties with sexual arousal is sexually inadequate. This just is not the case. I want to put the record straight for future generations of women. It is not right that couples continue to be misled by what is currently published about female sexuality.
In case you missed it, this is the political rally…It is time that women were honest about what they want and what they like. We owe it to our daughters. We don’t have to be like men. It is not our job to impregnate. It is our job to have the babies and keep the men interested. We don’t have to lie.
It’s really important that women stand up for what they want. We can pleasure men and give them what they want and still retain our self respect. Women need to tell men that we want different things in return for sex. Companionship. Mutual respect. Mutual support. Orgasm would be great but, if not, then more selfless and sensual pleasuring where they put their own orgasm to one side.

Lack of sexual arousal during sex

2009-10-15T04:42:00.000-07:00

Intimacy with a lover makes me feel affectionate but I am rarely conscious of any sexual arousal. In fact, whether it’s sex with a partner or masturbation for that matter, I am usually pretty much stone cold in arousal terms at the start.
I might have concluded that I was frigid if it were not for the fact that I don’t see how other women are any more likely to approach sex just short of an orgasm. The female mind and body simply do not work that way. Equally I don’t see other women being any more actively interested in matters sexual than I am – in fact usually the reverse.
As I have never been able to use fantasy effectively I have always found orgasm difficult to achieve with a partner by any means, whether by using positions and techniques for sexual intercourse or through more direct clitoral stimulation, either manual or oral.
So I found it highly reassuring to read on the GoAskAlice! website that other women have also struggled with orgasm during sex. The website Go Ask Alice! is one of the few sources willing to admit that women rarely orgasm during intercourse. They suggest that women often have to settle for the emotional rewards of sex because it takes women much longer than men to become aroused.
“The vagina itself is a muscular tube of about 8 cm that, when adequately stimulated, expands to fit any size penis with ease. When your partner initially penetrates you, the muscles of the vagina contract and grip the penis. As you continue intercourse and become more turned-on, the vagina expands even further – sometimes so much so, you can’t feel his penis inside you no matter how large it is. This explains why for both partners the initial few thrusts are sometimes the most pleasurable because the vagina feels tighter. For most women, stimulation of the clitoris is necessary to orgasm. Intercourse can indirectly stimulate the clitoris through thrusting but more direct touching with fingers or a tongue is usually more effective.” (p8 Hot Sex 1998).
Attitude and expectation for your sex life
Ironically the less inhibited you are the more disappointing you are likely to find real life because you overlook the simple things like nudity. Sometimes people refer to ‘sexual intimacy’, which comes from a man and a woman sharing the intimacies of sex including nudity, allowing someone to touch the private areas of our bodies and the ultimate act of penetration.
If we were all nuns we could probably make do with sexual fantasies based on vaginal intercourse e.g. sex in public, sex with multiple partners etc. The more we read and imagine beyond the everyday, the more we are likely to need to venture into less comfortable territory. If a fantasy is to help us orgasm then it needs to encompass aspects of sex that we consider to be taboo.
When we explore sexual fantasies, we tend to start on the more innocent side and build up to the more advanced or kinky. The same goes for sex with a partner. For example, most people probably stick to straight intercourse for a first date.
Ask your partner to spend some time preparing your body for sex. Get him to shave your pubic hair completely, which can feel kinky and also makes oral sex easier for the guy. An enema can cause arousal so that even intercourse is more sensitive than normal. Try a blindfold or having your hands tied during sex. Visit a sex shop for other ideas to get the brain going.
As long as you are both keen, consider working out a schedule for building up to fisting and/or anal intercourse. Remember the golden rule with these more advanced techniques: take your time. You should expect to invest serious time in just relaxing, lubricating and exploring with a finger. Information is vital: Em and Lo’s book ‘The Big Bang’ is excellent on both of these.

Women have to learn how to orgasm

2009-10-15T04:39:00.000-07:00

In the film ‘Shirley Valentine’, Pauline Collins plays Shirley, a middle-aged housewife. Shirley comments: “I’m not particularly fond of it – sex. I think sex is like supermarkets, you know, overrated. Just a lot of pushing and shoving and you still come out with very little in the end.” (Note: this film was set in the days before supermarkets sold everything from microwaves to mobile phones!)
“Many women wonder if their lack of orgasms is due to some underlying emotional or psychological problem. However, this is usually not the case at all. Frequently, not having an orgasm is simply due to unfavourable circumstances, or lack of understanding about how to achieve personal sexual pleasure.” (p13 Dictionary of Sexual Terms 1992)
Shirley reminisces about a conversation where one of her friends comments on their youth: “In those days everyone thought it was a case of – in out, in out, shake it all about. Stars would light up the skies and the earth would tremble.” Shirley laughs at the ignorance of her generation of men who were unaware of the importance of the clitoris and the fact that clitoral stimulation is required for a woman to orgasm.
Modern hopes for fantasy sex
There is an implication that younger generations of women expect to have orgasms from sex either through female masturbation or with the assistance of a more knowledgeable lover. It is assumed that men in more modern times are well-informed about foreplay techniques as well as positions and techniques for sexual intercourse.
Shirley comments: “They think they know it all – the clitoris kids I call them!” We may have more knowledge today but our expectations are correspondingly higher. Young women often don’t know how to orgasm until they try masturbation and learn how to use a vibrator to discover orgasm. Some women find transferring orgasm techniques to sex more difficult.
Women of an older generation often mistakenly assume that younger women have perfect sex lives simply because they live with a man before marriage. That’s just like assuming that all married women enjoy sex. Otherwise why would they be married? It is evident that women seek relationships with men for reasons other than the ‘success’ of a sexual relationship.
“ In reality, the more sexually active you are, the more likely you are to masturbate, regardless of whether you do or don’t have a partner. … Of the women who have discovered its joys, virtually all can masturbate to orgasm …
On the opposite side, if you’re a female who has never masturbated, statistics indicate it’s quite likely you’ve never had an orgasm in your life. Pretty strong support for solo sex! The truth is good girls do do it and if you never have and won’t try, give up now on ever having a fulfilling sex life.
Masturbation is a sure way (and often the only way) to discover what turns you on sexually, and unless you know how to excite yourself, you’ve got zero chance of telling your partner how to.” (p2 Hot Sex 1998)

Sheltering young women from eroticism

2009-10-15T02:49:00.000-07:00

Reading the word ‘sexy’, a boy of nine screwed up his face in a gesture of disgust and said “Yuck!”. I asked him why and he replied, “Because my parents told me it’s disgusting”. Presumably these parents are trying to warn their son away from the temptations of sexual pleasure with its associated immoral behaviour.
For women, there has always been acceptance of sex within the context of family but disapproval of sex for pleasure. In fact where a woman’s only sexual experiences are of intercourse, she is unlikely to ever discover her own sexual arousal.
Since women’s sexual arousal and orgasm is not automatic many women have no experience of enjoying their own sexual arousal and orgasm (either through masturbation or through exploring sex with a partner). Women’s sexual arousal relies on sexual fantasies and so without an appreciation of eroticism many women have no expectation for enjoying their own sexual pleasure.
“Women often feel they have no right to sexual experience apart from that which a man provides.” (p62 Woman’s Experience of Sex 1983)
Many women are disgusted by pornography because it appears to display women’s bodies like a meat market for male gratification. Women who appreciate being able to arouse a lover learn that male turn-ons simply work differently. A woman who learns how to orgasm, also knows the humility of accepting that the adult world cannot always be squeaky clean. Many other women (with fewer sexual instincts) can only justify sex as part of a loving relationship.
Disapproval of sexual promiscuity
Many people believe that women are always exploited through sex because men stand to gain so much more pleasure. Melanie Phillips (Daily Mail – 24th February 2003) complains about those who want to provide young people (girls of fifteen) with the facts about adult heterosexual practices (including oral sex and anal sex).
Melanie fears (as do many others) that knowledge about enjoying sexual pleasure will damage the teenagers’ emotional development and suggests that “genital gratification separated from a permanent loving commitment is a form of degradation.” She also believes that “spiritual and emotional meaning distinguishes human sexual activity from animal behaviour”.
There is no reason why honest information about sex should encourage sexual promiscuity in girls. Neither is it likely that knowing how couples enjoy sex in long-term sexual relationships will interfere with any loving relationship a woman might hope for – in fact quite the reverse. There is a double standard because no one worries that knowledge of sexual pleasure will do boys any harm.
The view that women’s experience of sex should be restricted to marriage almost denies the fact that a woman might be capable of appreciating her sexual experiences for their own sake. The fact is that some women do explore sexual pleasure. At its best, sex can be an innocent pleasure for any couple to enjoy whether they are married or not. If a woman finds a man she likes and respects, then the sex is sure to be even better.

Holding men responsible for women's sexual arousal

2009-10-15T02:39:00.000-07:00

Quite unfairly, we often blame men for the difficulties that women have with orgasm during sex. For example, it is suggested that by coming too soon men fail to provide enough stimulation through thrusting.
In fact, intercourse is unlikely to provide most women with enough clitoral stimulation regardless of how long the man continues thrusting.
“Closely linked with the traditional pressure on men to maintain long erection and thrusting during intercourse is the idea that it is a man’s role to ‘give’ the woman an orgasm during intercourse. …
In addition to the pressure created by this role, this idea also often puts the man in a no-win situation since the information he has been given – that thrusting during intercourse should bring a woman to orgasm – is faulty. This places him in a vulnerable position, leaving him to doubt his masculinity whenever female orgasm does not occur and also possibly pressuring the woman to fake orgasms.” (p160 The Hite Reports 1993)
Sexual arousal depends on the mind more than the body
Sex advice today often plays on male insecurities by suggesting that a man can ‘give his woman an orgasm’ or even (for heaven’s sake!) multiple orgasms. This is ludicrous. The fact is that most women use fantasy to reach orgasm and no man can control what is going on inside a woman’s head.
A woman can arouse a man simply by revealing her body – this is just the way nature intended things to work and not down to her individual talents (pole & lap dancing aside!). A male lover does not have the same natural advantage because most women do not find the body of a sexual partner as arousing as men do.
Many women do not know how their own sexual arousal works so small wonder that men struggle to find techniques to turn their woman on!
In ‘The Hite Reports’, a male respondent points out: “It seems that women have only recently discovered the nature and depth of their own sexuality… Yet women are angry at men for not understanding their sexuality already… as if men should be experts at something about women that even women didn’t know!” (p182 The Hite Reports 1993)
Touché! Perhaps, because men appear to enjoy sex so spontaneously, women assume they have some innate understanding of sex that we fundamentally lack. So we leave the initiative to the man hoping against all odds that something will happen as if by magic. Unfortunately, women’s sexual arousal and orgasm is not automatic and so pleasuring a woman is not easy.
Older generations of women never hoped for orgasm from their relationships but equally a man never felt obliged to facilitate a woman’s orgasm during sex. The sexual revolution has made men feel just as inadequate as women. The difficulty for modern couples is matching reality with our high expectations fuelled by a much more powerful media.

Some women do explore sexual pleasure

2009-10-15T02:28:00.000-07:00

Slowly attitudes to sexual pleasure are changing and more couples are approaching their sex life with a willingness to try activities other than vaginal intercourse.
This brings welcome variety for men as well as the opportunity for a couple to explore whether more explicit stimulation might increase the woman’s arousal and even lead to orgasm. For example, many women who explore sexual pleasure with a partner find that oral sex is how they enjoy their best orgasms.
“There is no reason why physical intimacy with men should always consist of ‘foreplay’ followed by intercourse and male orgasm; and there is no reason why intercourse must be part of heterosexual sex.” (p34 The Hite Reports 1993)
The pre-orgasmic woman (a woman who can only orgasm during masturbation alone) faces a unique dilemma because of the difficulty she may have in trying to reconcile a sexual relationship without orgasm and her own sexual pleasure.
Presumably, with oral sex becoming more accepted, couples are content when the woman can climax in this way. However, perhaps even for these women there is a similar problem if a couple still feels that ideally orgasms should result from intercourse.
One advantage of vaginal intercourse, when combined with a face-to-face position, is that it allows for the loving aspects of sexual relationships. Equally, for many people, penetration is the greatest turn-on because it symbolises the ultimate act of intimacy with another person. Another form of sex play, that is highly taboo especially for women, is anal sex.
If a woman is open-minded and has a sensitive lover then anal stimulation/penetration combined with clitoral stimulation is likely to lead to orgasm. As with vaginal fisting, a professional lubricant from a sex shop and plenty of time to take things slowly are critical. Try Em & Lo’s book ‘The Big Bang’ on both of these.
Basically, if you are struggling with lack of sexual arousal during sex and genuinely want to share your own arousal with a partner then you will need to be prepared to explore sexual activities other than straight intercourse. This means making some special effort once in a while to spice up your sex life.
“Anal intercourse: This is something which nearly every couple tries once. A few stay with it, usually because the woman finds that it gives her more intense feelings than the normal route and it is pleasantly tight for the man.” (p118 The Joy of Sex 1972)

How to get laid (if you're a man!)

2009-10-15T02:17:00.000-07:00

Men should take comfort from the facts of female sexuality. It is difficult for most women to orgasm from intercourse alone and yet amazingly few women ask about lack of orgasm. In addition to the obvious personal embarrassment, likely explanations include:
Not every woman is even interested in orgasm, either by masturbation or from a sexual relationship.
Relatively few women masturbate and so many women never know what an orgasm is.
Some women assume that they orgasm during sex when, in fact, they don’t.
Others accept that sex involves pleasing their man rather than looking for their own pleasure.
The irony is that women who ask about lack of orgasm have the confidence to question because they have explored their sexuality more than most women, both alone and with a partner. Regardless of her sexual expectations, any woman will offer her partner sex when she feels good about the relationship and loving towards her partner.
After spending a romantic (affectionate and companionable) evening together, sharing emotional intimacy, or even after an emotional movie, a woman can feel amenable to having sex.
However, these stimuli are very different to those she needs to reach orgasm (sexual fantasies involve explicit eroticism). Unfortunately, Mother Nature has no need to care about female orgasm. As long as a woman is amenable to having sex, the job is done!
Emotional intimacy
The film ‘Overboard’ stars Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell, her real-life partner. Goldie plays a spoilt rich young wife who loses her memory and, purely out of revenge, Kurt playing a lowly carpenter pretends that she is married to him, with his four children.
Sexual relationships favour male orgasm and it is clear that he would have little problem having sex with this woman he hardly knows and even dislikes. It is equally clear that she would consider it out of the question to have sex with a man she cannot remember knowing. In order to be amenable to sex, a woman needs to find a man sexually attractive and women take longer than men to decide on this point.
“Men are most comfortable expressing love through sex, through shared activities, through being a good provider, and through just being together…” (p77 Why Men don’t get enough Sex and Women don’t get enough Love 1994)
Later in the story, they get to know each other and one evening, pretending that it is her birthday, they go out on a date. After dancing, they talk and gaze at the evening sky while romantic music plays. They kiss and, on returning home, ‘make love’ for the first time.
“98 percent of the women… said they would like more verbal closeness with the men they love; they want the men in their lives to talk more about their own personal thoughts, feelings, plans and questions, and to ask them about theirs.” (p27 Women & Love 1987)
The woman now feels affection for the man and finds him physically attractive. Of course, he always was attractive but he suddenly appeals because she respects him and cares about him. Perhaps it is as self evident to women that relationships are about companionship as it is to men that they are about physical intimacy. In fact, both are part of a long-term relationship.
“Men want friends to play with, … whereas women want friends to talk to. ” (p24 Bluffer’s guide to Women)

Women's sexual arousal and orgasm is not automatic

2009-10-15T02:07:00.000-07:00

There is an amazing amount of mystery surrounding the subject of women’s sexual arousal. Women’s physical arousal is rarely acknowledged and our understanding of women’s psychological arousal is vague. It is no wonder many of us gain the impression that female orgasms simply mushroom up out of nowhere.
Explanations for women’s sexual arousal often defy belief. For example, it has been suggested that women, unlike men, can reach orgasm in response to many different sources of physical stimulation. One woman even claimed to be able to orgasm from brushing her hair.
This is just one example of how we are asked to believe that women can achieve what even a man would find difficult. It is worth bearing in mind that the majority of men generally know what an orgasm is. Many women are unfamiliar with real female orgasms and are more likely to be talking about sexual arousal.
Sexual arousal originates in the brain
Foremost, something has to be happening in the brain for a person to reach orgasm. Rather like climbing up the steps of a slide in order to enjoy slipping down the other side, it seems unlikely that even women can reach the peak of orgasm without a build up of any kind. In other words, a physical and psychological build up is required to generate the consequent sexual release that we call ‘orgasm’.
Women’s sexual arousal and orgasm is one of Nature’s optional freebies – take it or leave it. But just to state the obvious: if anyone is to experience orgasm, they must first be motivated to do so and secondly they must know how to achieve ‘arousal to orgasm’ that is become aroused enough to reach orgasm. In other words, a woman is not going to discover orgasm while doing the ironing!
“The more you fantasise, the higher your libido. … it’s pretty well established that the more you think about sex, the more you want it. That makes fantasies the cheapest, most effective sex aid around.” (p249 Hot Sex 1998)
For a woman, discovery of orgasm through masturbation is more likely to result from a conscious choice to explore her sexuality than to happen spontaneously. Women have to learn about their sexual arousal and a woman needs to be open-minded enough about eroticism to be able to overcome any moral objections she might have about indulging in the sexual fantasies which lead to orgasm.
“Approximately 30 percent of women don’t have sexual fantasies. For some, it’s a vestige of the old notion that fantasy is something only men do. Others are embarrassed by the harshness of their sexual inspiration and quickly squash it.” (p190 Satisfaction Guaranteed 1996)

Men hope a lover will enhance their sexual arousal

2009-10-15T01:57:00.000-07:00

It’s relatively easy for a woman to figure out that men want sex… but they also want to be loved and appreciated through their sexual relationship.
Men’s sexual arousal is usually easy and immediate. Despite the evidence to the contrary they like to hope that a woman feels the same way about sex that they do.
A man can feel that sex represents the most important way of demonstrating that he loves his partner.
At the same time, he perceives a woman’s enthusiasm for sex with him as confirmation of her love for him.
If a man wanted a loving, sexless relationship with a woman he would never have left his mother.
Men need sex, both physiologically and emotionally, more than women. Men’s relationships with others are not as emotionally intimate as women’s tend to be. So a man looks to the woman in his life for the emotional support he needs and sex is the mechanism that men use to express their loving emotions.
How to pleasure a man
From early on, the sensitive female lover learns how to pleasure a man, co-operating quite instinctively during intercourse by moving with the man’s rhythm.
She also learns how to play along with men’s sexual fantasies and acts out the part of the appreciative and responsive lover in order to help him reach orgasm. Sometimes a woman may caress her lover’s body or make encouraging noises to enhance the man’s arousal. Some women even exaggerate their sexual arousal to the point of faking orgasm.
This explains why in the film ‘The Duchess’, Kiera Knightley playing the virgin bride, lies inert as her husband thrusts into her on their wedding night. Women only learn over time that responding as a lover encourages the male orgasm that nearly always ends sexual activity between a man and a woman. A woman appreciates that if she continues to be unmoved by her partner’s love-making, her man will feel that he is failing to please her or that she does not love him. By contrast, the mistress in the film has learnt to make the appreciative noises that sexually experienced women often use as a male turn-on during sex.
“The fact is, we usually co-operate quite extensively during intercourse in order for the man to be able to orgasm. We move along with his rhythm, keep our legs apart and our bodies in positions that make penetration and thrusting possible, and almost never stop intercourse in midstream unless the man has had his orgasm.” (p107 The Hite Reports 1993)
Unless a woman learns how to orgasm during sex with a partner, the role of the female lover can become burdensome in long-term sexual relationships. Even if a man never explicitly acknowledges the assistance of a female lover, a woman has the reward of knowing that she has helped her partner find the sexual release that is so vital to his happiness. From a woman’s perspective, making effort to be more involved in ‘love-making’ reduces the sense of uselessness that arises from participating in a sexual act in which (without the woman’s sexual arousal and orgasm) the woman is effectively merely a bystander.

Young women often don't know how to orgasm

2009-10-15T01:46:00.000-07:00

Becky explained via e-mail: “I had my first orgasm at 26 during masturbation – pretty late I know & since then no stopping me with the sex toys Plenty of my girlfriends have not though – and like you say, don’t seem too bothered about it which I can’t understand.”
Despite this evidence from her friends, Becky was convinced that every woman must be as enthusiastic about orgasm as she was. Many women are unfamiliar with orgasm because female masturbation is relatively uncommon and so they never explore their sexual fantasies.
Ironically Becky’s experience of sex was more miserable than most. “I’m 31 & have had pretty non-orgasmic experiences to date! Issues with vaginismus & then guys who can’t get their heads around that, hormone stuff, dry years & mostly casual relationships.”
As a sex writer, Becky justified exploring sex with different partners as a means of learning about female sexuality. “I’ve been seeing an escort for various treatments – yoni massage, spanking, fantasy play etc, which has really helped & just started seeing a guy who I think will be good for me so we’ll see.”
As they become more financially independent, more young women explore learning about enjoying physical intimacy through dating men. Even so women stand to gain less from sexual promiscuity than men. All the evidence indicates that most women who learn how to orgasm during sex do so only after years of investment in a sexual relationship with the same partner.
Becky told me: “I had a breast orgasm at the weekend – interesting as it’s never happened to me before ” Despite all this, Becky had still did not know how to orgasm from sex and had to masturbate herself to orgasm after her boyfriend reached his orgasm from their sex play. After all this, Becky was totally unconvinced that men might have a stronger sex drive.
A woman may want to have sex for emotional reasons (such as a subconscious desire to get pregnant) but this ‘female sex drive’ is a quite different phenomenon to the male drive to reach orgasm. From their teens men have little conscious choice over their sexual arousal and they quickly learn how to orgasm whereas Becky did not even discover orgasm until her mid-twenties.
Women’s sexuality has been hyped so much today that women often believe that they get as much out of sex as men do. Women can be terribly naive about men’s sex drive. Men tend to cover up their interest in sex for fear of either offending women or opening themselves up to ridicule. So even within marriage, many women are unaware how often their partner masturbates.
“Male masturbation has always been a secret from which women have been excluded. Even in marriage, few women are given the opportunity to witness it.” (p53 Healthy Sex 1998)
It is really quite disturbing that young women today are so unaware of the facts about male sex drive. Every man knows that past a certain point it is difficult for a man to hold back on his instinct to follow through on his sex drive. This is why women who ‘lead a man on’ may find it difficult to convict a man of rape and, in the UK, rape within marriage has only been a crime since 1991.

Real female orgasms

2009-10-15T01:37:00.000-07:00

In the film ‘Private Benjamin’, a group of female army recruits sits around a campfire during an overnight exercise.
One of the women says: “I had an orgasm once…” and the others giggle. She goes on to say in a disappointed tone “…but I was alone!” Her girlfriends laugh sympathetically.
In the film, Goldie Hawn plays a spoilt young woman approaching thirty who has been married twice. Happily stoned from smoking marijuana she continues the theme:
“Well, … once when I was with my first husband I got to this place … that was kind of nice and tingly and … I don’t know if this was an official orgasm … but I counted it as one for five years.” She laughs, presumably at her own naivety.
“Orgasm is not just a vague feeling.” (p73 Woman’s Experience of Sex 1983)
Later in the film, she acts as if she genuinely has an orgasm during sex with a new lover. She comments: “Well, now I know what I have been faking all these years!”
Women who think they orgasm during sex when they don’t
To a man, it must be incomprehensible that a woman of thirty can be unsure about whether she has ever had an orgasm. For sexual intercourse to be possible, a man must be at least aroused (in order to have an erection). Women, on the other hand, attribute a whole range of feelings to the experiences of sexual arousal and orgasm in the absence of the knowledge of what real female orgasms feel like.
“When you have an orgasm the pelvic floor muscles always contract. If that does not happen you are not having an orgasm.” (p77 Woman’s Experience of Sex 1983)
In addition to the pelvic muscle contractions, I would describe orgasm as losing full consciousness of your immediate physical surroundings. As a guide, if you are not sure then it has probably not happened yet. A woman who has never had an orgasm thinks of sex as ‘making love’ without necessarily even hoping for orgasm. There is nothing wrong with this approach and many women are content with what they have.
However, it can be difficult to gain any comfort from comparing notes with others because women account for their sexual experiences so differently. Even well-informed and mature women can believe that they orgasm (when they don’t) simply because they do not know what real female orgasms feel like. Female masturbation is relatively uncommon and so most women have much less familiarity with their own sexual arousal and orgasm than men typically have.

Sex experts deal with sexual dysfunction

2009-10-15T01:27:00.000-07:00

In the film ‘Doc Hollywood’ Bridget Fonda coquettishly asks Michael J Fox, playing the young doctor, whether doctors know more about sex than other people do. This is an easy and natural mistake to make.
We tend to think of sex as if it were a mechanical or biological aspect of our bodies. In fact, there is no reason why doctors should know any more about sex than the rest of us since sex is primarily about our psychology and our emotions. There are recommended positions and techniques for sexual intercourse but ultimately sexual arousal depends on what happens in the brain.
Most of us accept our sexual relationship for what it is and only seek help if there is a major problem. This is why the vast majority of people who consult sex experts are men with sexual performance problems.
People who go to sex experts do not represent the statistical norm. They are unusual, just as I am, because most people do not go along to complete strangers in order to discuss their sexual relationship, especially when they usually have to pay by the hour to do so! It’s not easy to find answers when a woman has difficulty reaching orgasm during sex.
By the time I was twenty I had read many erotic stories describing imaginative sex play so my difficulty was not ignorance of technique. Instead I wanted to know why (although everything worked by the book for the man) my body and mind did not respond as I assumed they were supposed to. As a well-informed couple, we had tried all the foreplay techniques in the book.
The modern liberated view is that women reach orgasm during sex almost as easily as men do. The more conservative view is that a woman only find sex rewarding as part of a loving relationship. Ironically both of these approaches imply that women enjoy sexual arousal ‘naturally’ during sex and make it difficult for women to compare notes on how to orgasm with a partner.
Sexual pleasure remains very personal
When I consulted therapists in the UK, I was asking: “How do women become sufficiently aroused during sex to enable them to orgasm?” After meeting with defensiveness and incomprehension over my concerns about orgasm, I came to realise that therapists don’t know the answer to this highly personal question any more than anyone else. Why should they?
People who qualify as sex specialists learn about human sexuality through textbooks full of theories, laboratory research and detailed analysis of phenomena such as orgasm. There is no particular reason why female sex experts would have explored their own sexuality, either through masturbation or through sex with a partner, any more than the average woman.
We can all be fairly sure that a man knows how to orgasm both alone and with a partner. But many women have sex without ever knowing how to become aroused enough to orgasm. So there is no guarantee that a woman who is advising others about female orgasm even knows how to masturbate herself to orgasm; let alone how to succeed with similar techniques during sex.
Some people claim to be unembarrassed about sex but only because they discuss other people’s experiences. Very few women (even sex experts) are willing to talk about their own experiences of arousal and orgasm. In particular, no one ever discloses which physical stimulation and psychological arousal techniques they use for orgasm.
So therapists’ understanding of the average woman’s experience of orgasm is based on the findings of surveys. Unfortunately, these can be highly mis-leading: (1) given the belief that orgasm is the normal experience many women assume they orgasm when they don’t; and (2) women often interpret their sexual experiences in the light of emotional rather than sexual criteria.
Self-evidently, women’s sexual performance is not a show-stopper and so most people assume that women do not have sexual problems. Relatively few women ever consult sex clinics. How many are concerned enough about lack of orgasm to pay out over $100 an hour to find a solution? Even in my own case, I went to a clinic more for my partner’s sake than for my own.
Even though experts refer to women’s sexual dysfunction, there are no easy solutions for lack of female orgasm during sex. I was left with a sense of hopelessness: the implication was that lack of orgasm was abnormal and yet there was no apparent solution. At the same time, it was also implied that I was simply expecting too much.
The subject of women’s arousal during sex is still highly taboo due to lack of understanding so that even experts are confused when faced with couples who have unrealistic expectations beyond the average couple. It would seem that female orgasm is simply not an issue for the vast majority of couples today.

Sexual relationships favour male orgasm

2009-10-15T01:18:00.000-07:00

Younger women are often seen to be more sexual simply because, until they find their mate, they have more incentive to be popular with men. Dating includes sex as part of a ‘wine and dine’ package fuelled on both sides by sexual ego. Sex is always fun because of the chase and the novelty of an unfamiliar lover. So, single women often struggle to understand the challenges of a live-in relationship spanning decades.
Women who have been married for decades know that it is women who make relationships work over the longer term. When men buy women flowers etc. they are implicitly acknowledging the special effort that women make in relationships.
After the initial romantic glow any woman, to varying degrees, engages in a sexual relationship for her partner’s benefit. Unfortunately, the experience of the majority is overruled by the more sensational. So the idea that every woman is a secret nymphomaniac remains the popular view even though it contradicts most people’s real-life experiences of sex.
For men sex is important regardless of the relationship
Physical intimacy is much more important to men and relationships with women do not necessarily make sense without sex.
Hannah (late forties, children, relationship 25 years) told me of a friendship she had had with a man when she was younger. She enjoyed spending time talking with him. After they had known each other a while he suggested that they have sex. He claimed that it was not a big deal to change their friendship into a sexual relationship. However, Hannah said that she did not think of him in that way. The man concluded that if they were not going to have sex then there was no point continuing the relationship.
“Men will do anything for sex, and will behave quite out of character to achieve it, such as spending several hours being romantic, and paying attention to what a woman says.” (p15 Bluffer’s Guide to Men – 1998)
Hannah told me that she shared my experience of not being able to orgasm during sex. Nevertheless, after twenty five years with her partner she was still prepared to participate in sex on a regular basis (admittedly because he was paying the bills). Instead of appreciating her generosity, her partner had complained that she made no effort to ‘make sex exciting for him’.
“Men often feel very angry with women who never initiate sex and too often don’t want sex. But this anger has a tone of alienation, guilt, and insecurity: men feel instinctively on some level that sex does not involve an equal sharing, especially when they are having an orgasm and the woman does not – and this puts them on the defensive.” (p220 The Hite Reports 1993)
Why does a man believe that a woman should do this for him? It is natural that men hope a lover will enhance their sexual arousal but they should consider what they can offer in return. Men often want to know how to get laid: try putting your own orgasm to one side and investing some time in pleasuring your woman.
If a man wants to enjoy sex for life then, he needs to find ways to make the experience more balanced in her favour. You only achieve a good sex life over the longer-term by investing in your sex life. Hannah admitted that, even if she did not have an orgasm, an occasional sensual massage would be a significant improvement on their intercourse-to-male-orgasm sex life.
“Your partner’s not there to service you, it’s not their job to keep you sexually satisfied. You’re together because you love each other and want to make each other happy. Constantly hassling them for sex does the opposite.” (p228 Hot Relationships 1999)

True female sexual arousal and orgasm

2009-10-15T01:13:00.000-07:00

Any talk of sexual arousal and orgasm, usually focuses on women since men’s sexual arousal and orgasm tend to be a given.
It is unthinkable that anyone would need to tell a man how to reach orgasm. By the time they are teenagers, boys discover quite naturally how to enjoy their own sexual arousal, by looking at images of naked women. Likewise no one tells a boy that he needs to stimulate his penis if he is to bring his state of arousal to orgasm through masturbation.
Most women never masturbate and so they never learn that real female orgasms arise (just as male orgasms do) from bringing a mental state of sexual arousal to orgasm using genital stimulation of the clitoris.
Given the popular belief that female arousal and orgasm during sex are easily achieved, many women simply assume that they experience these sensations as a natural part of their sexual relationship.
Sexual arousal (using erotic images/fantasies)
We know that men achieve sexual arousal through an appreciation of eroticism (explicitly sexual images) and yet it is often implied that women’s sexual arousal arises from their loving emotions for their partner.
As if we are all as innocent as Snow White, it is rarely acknowledged that if women are to reach orgasm, they will need to make conscious effort to occupy their minds with erotic thoughts or images (a process which happens much more subconsciously for the male mind). Any woman who masturbates accepts that sexual arousal depends on these explicitly erotic concepts.
Young men transition naturally to sex because the body of a real sexual partner substitutes for the images from pornographic magazines. Imagine being a woman, who approaches sex with no hint of an erection! Men’s minds become aroused so instantaneously that we gain the impression that physical stimulation alone gives them an erection (causes sexual arousal).
Women do not react as men do to the sight of naked images (even a lover’s body). This is why women don’t pay men to do lap-dancing, pole-dancing or other sexually provocative teasing using their bodies. Women’s fantasies work well when alone but can be difficult to relate to day-to-day sexual opportunities because they are often based on quite surreal erotic scenarios.
Clitoral stimulation
The only reason anyone would stimulate their genitals (casual curiosity aside) is because they know that with sufficient levels of sexual arousal, genital stimulation leads to orgasm.
For those women who do enjoy eroticism, there is a chance that they will explore their own sexual arousal enough to discover masturbation and to make the connection between genital stimulation (of the clitoris) and orgasm.
We know that women need clitoral stimulation for orgasm from female masturbation. But even during female masturbation, clitoral stimulation only works once a woman has achieved sufficient MENTAL AROUSAL by using sexual fantasies.
The average woman does not approach sex looking for clitoral stimulation because she is unlikely to be sexually aroused enough for genital stimulation to make sense. A woman needs to know how to become mentally aroused before genital stimulation by anyone (either themselves or a partner) can be effective.
Women who masturbate know that they need to use sexual fantasies for arousal during female masturbation. Women are likely to find it much more difficult to use the same techniques during sex with a partner because of the mental focus required to reach orgasm through sexual fantasies alone.

The facts of female sexuality

2009-10-15T01:04:00.000-07:00

(1) Women need clitoral stimulation for orgasm
The experts concluded decades ago (in the 1970’s) that the clitoral stimulation resulting from vaginal intercourse is likely to be insufficient to allow most women to orgasm.
So, it is very likely that any woman who claims easy orgasm during intercourse is mistaken. Especially given so few women masturbate and so most do not know what orgasm is. Women’s talk of the relationship and loving emotions also indicates a misunderstanding about the nature of orgasm.
Since the clitoris is the female sex organ, most women are likely to find orgasm much easier through oral or manual stimulation of the clitoris. Yet most women are shocked by the idea of masturbation and oral sex.
Relatively few women say that they enjoy female masturbation as a regular adult activity for the purpose of enjoying arousal and orgasm. So if they don’t know how to achieve their own sexual arousal and orgasm, how would they be able to reach orgasm during sex with partner?
Women who are familiar with orgasm from female masturbation, do question a lack of orgasm during sex. Unfortunately, their sexual experiences are often dismissed as being sexually inadequate because there are other women who are claiming that orgasm with a partner is easy.
I have never found that clitoral stimulation (foreplay or masturbation) helps with sexual arousal during vaginal intercourse. It would be interesting to know how many women have the same experience and also whether other women are able to overcome these difficulties with sexual arousal during sex.
(2) Women do not use images of naked men for arousal
So women use sexual fantasies during female masturbation but no one suggests what they are supposed to substitute during sex with a partner. The underlying assumption is that female sexuality means that women approach sex from a similar standpoint to men – just short of an orgasm.
Understandably, it is difficult for a man to know what it’s like to be a woman. There is nothing wrong with women just because they don’t respond sexually as men do. As long as men keep hoping that women should respond sexually as men do then they will always think women are dysfunctional.
Women use fantasy because they have to raise their arousal levels from a much lower base level than men tend to have at the start of any sexual activity (masturbation or sex). I can vouch for this in respect of female masturbation. Sadly female sexuality involves women being much less highly sexed than men.
Women are not full of testosterone (the sex hormone) and do not use images of naked men for orgasm during female masturbation (women use sexual fantasiesy). So what makes us think that they can become aroused as easily as men do during sex with a partner?
How else do women achieve orgasm with a partner unless it is through the use of fantasy? I have found no one who can explain how women are supposed to use sexual fantasies during sex.
I am asking other women to tell me whether they have been able to use fantasy during sex with a partner. If they do not use fantasy then I would be interested to know what they do use for sexual arousal.
This is not a competition. My aim is to collect more facts and information about women’s sexual experiences so that more couples can benefit from knowledge about female sexuality.

Why do women not always appreciate displays of male sexuality?

2009-10-14T07:59:00.000-07:00

have never seen any reason to be embarrassed about my body. I am pretty. I have sensual skin that browns easily and a slim but curvy figure. My parents were always very open and relaxed about nudity. So when I was eighteen and had the chance to go top-less sunbathing in the South of France it all seemed very natural. Why have those bikini lines that make your breasts look like icebergs?
One day, as I was lying there on the popular pebble beach desperately trying to tan, I heard… “Just look at all those tits!” As a sailor’s voice carried across the water: the British Navy had arrived.
I looked out to sea and there was the naval ship. So I was less than surprised when half an hour later (they’re quick those boys!) my sunlight was being blocked by a very pleasant young sailor. Of course, he wanted to know all about me. It was my afternoon off and, since he was only in port for a few hours, I didn’t see much point in getting to know him. We talked and he walked me back to my apartment. Sorry, nothing happened…
Some men like to display their male sexuality by aiming sexual remarks at women. That summer I was occasionally offended by men’s appreciation for my sexual attributes. ‘Hey, you with the big tits!’ (they’re not especially big) was once shouted at me from across the road. I can’t say that I’ve ever wanted to be singled out for my tits. It’s nice to have some but how to explain to a man…
It’s the way the man shouted for all to hear. It made me feel, not like a person, but like an object to be ogled at without any sensitivity and also with the implicit knowledge that I could not retaliate by shouting something similar back. How do you make a man feel like a piece of sexual meat? female sexuality does not tend to include such vocal displays of appreciation for the sexual anatomy of the opposite sex. So it can be difficult to understand.
Imagine you had to wear your penis on your chest under your tee shirt but essentially for the whole world to see. Would you appreciate comments from women about the size of your sexual attributes? Men may feel that it can never be insulting to be big. Well as a woman you can be both too small and too big. We are all sensitive about being identified as unusually different.
So when you approach a woman and you think she is just dying to be told how big her breasts are – give it some thought. Men sometimes say that they would love any sexual compliments from women. Maybe. Just think how you would feel if a gay man picks you out for sexual compliments.
Well there’s a parallel here. Sexual remarks are all very nice when you are the one who is dishing them out. Women often don’t feel that they are in control. They are not necessarily the ones singling out the man they find attractive. Sexual compliments are only appreciated if you find the other person sexually attractive and women often take longer to decide on this point than men. Women’s sexual arousal is not driven by looking at naked images of men so we have less to gain from physical intimacy with the opposite sex.
For the most part, my experience is that male commentary is most often not intended to be offensive. I enjoy being whistled at by passing men and I always smile and wave back. Even quite recently, a passing French man made some remark I did not entirely understand “Nice arse” or similar and seemed surprised when I thanked him for the sexual compliment.
Once in informal company I used an impolite four-lettered word for a woman’s private parts. I was surprised that even in this day and age the women were shocked by the mention of such a word. Of course, the men said nothing.
I have always told my young daughters to use a five-lettered word for their sexual anatomy (beginning with ‘p’ just in case anyone is offended), which I consider to be about as rude as the word ‘willy’. I was really quite angry when our young nanny told them to use the phrase ‘front-bottom’ instead. It seems that women are insulted even when someone makes any explicit reference to their genitals.

Women's sexual desire

2009-10-14T07:55:00.000-07:00

Women who live alone or do not have an active sex life with their partner sometimes perceive themselves to be sexually needy because they start to doubt their ability to attract men.
Margaret (early fifties, children, relationship 30 years) was confident that she was highly sexual and interested in sex. However, her sexual relationship with her partner had broken down and she admitted that she did not consider female masturbation remotely interesting.
Given that she made no mention of a lover, I found it difficult to see that she had any outlet for her sexuality. When Margaret described herself as sexy, it was in terms of looking attractive, being young-at-heart and being physically active at her local tennis club with like-minded women.
A man’s sexual arousal can be very flattering and women often enjoy the compliment. Women tend to define their sexuality in terms of their emotional sense of well-being and their attractiveness rather than by the existence of any kind of sex life. As they grow older men worry about impotence; women worry about losing their ability to attract men.
“Married women are facing more sexual problems than single girls, with problems ranging from a lack of interest in sex to failure to reach orgasm. What a surprise!”admits Linda Kelsey in her article ‘The truth about Married Sex.’ Linda acknowledges that “For married women today it’s difficult to square our expectations of sexual fulfilment with the realities of long-term relationships.”
She suggests that the influence of the modern youth culture means that middle-aged women today “still feel like a woman with sexual needs, or at least a woman who wants to feel she’s still sexually attractive.” (pages 48/49 Daily Mail UK newspaper Thursday, October 6th 2005)
Some people even define female sexuality in terms of women’s ability to arouse a man sexually. Long-term sexual relationships involve making effort from time to time and a man needs to ensure that he is not the only person enjoying sexual pleasure from the couple’s sexual relationship.
Men hope for sex for life
Older women often imply that marriage involves both sides ‘putting up’ with a non-ideal compromise. Life in the past was about survival but expectations have increased. Men in the past were grateful just to have sex of any description but now they hope that their woman will engage on a variety of sexual activities and that she will be enthusiastically orgasmic.
One summer’s evening at a barbeque, a man in his fifties commented that he had almost forgotten what sex was because it was so long since he had had any. Understandably everyone was embarrassed, including his wife, and a few years later I heard that they had divorced. I assume this stand-off explains why so many married women prefer to say nothing about sex.
The sexual revolution claimed that men and women should be equally capable of enjoying a sexual relationship. So we tend to blame the wife for being ‘unloving’ even though we all know that he probably has an orgasm every time they have sex and she quite possibly has never had an orgasm in her life. Men enjoy sex fairly spontaneously but it is much more difficult for a couple to find ways of including some pleasure for the woman. Men cannot always expect to receive without giving anything back.
In the marriage scenario, all pretence of romance or companionship/affection leading to ‘making love’ can be lost. Everyday pressures and routine reduce sex to the minimum required to keep a man’s sex drive at bay, satisfying neither party. WWO would like to hear success stories from couples who have overcome these pitfalls in longer-term relationships.

Women's sexual arousal

2009-10-14T07:35:00.000-07:00

Published in 1972, ‘Joy of Sex’ by Alex Comfort MD was revolutionary at the time because it suggested a new openness and a sense of fun in modern sexual relationships. Liberal-minded couples welcomed the idea that it could now be considered normal and ‘uninhibited’ to enjoy sex as a natural part of an adult relationship.
Drawings, as opposed to photographs, portrayed the physical intimacy between two lovers sensitively and attractively. This tasteful presentation of a couple’s sex life avoided any potential concerns that the book might be pornographic in nature, making it attractive to couples and to women in particular.
In fact, Alex Comfort never ran a sex therapy practice and so he was not presenting a heavily researched view of sex. He was offering suggestions, based on his own sex life (with his much younger mistress – not his wife), for how other couples might bring some variety to sex. ‘Joy of Sex’ documents a man’s appreciation of eroticism and the activities that he found pleasurable.
The book is not explicit about the woman’s arousal and my mistake was to assume that the relationship illustrated was based on equality between the sexes. As a woman approaching sex with an expectation for orgasm, I assumed that a woman would only participate in a modern sexual relationship on the basis that she obtained the same sexual pleasure as the man.
A woman can have sex for years without ever experiencing sexual arousal or orgasm. This explains why the average age to come out is 17 years old for gay men but 40 years old for gay women. Of course, a woman’s sexual fantasies might cause her to suspect she is lesbian earlier than this. But lesbian women marry and have children just as successfully as heterosexual women because female orgasm is not required for her either to participate in a sexual relationship or for reproduction.
Sexual relationships are not based on equal sexual pleasure
In general sex manuals can be misleading because they tend to describe the physical activities of intercourse, or masturbation for that matter, without simultaneously discussing what is happening in the person’s head. The implication is that the physical sensations of sex fully occupy the woman’s mind throughout and create by themselves the level of sexual arousal required to experience orgasm. In other words, the assumption is that women respond sexually just as men do.
The fact that women take much longer to become aroused may be acknowledged but it is rarely explained why this should be or what the consequences might be for a sexual relationship. Usually any difficulties with the woman’s orgasm are overlooked or dismissed as insignificant.
“Frigidity – This does not mean failure to enjoy sex when one is dead with fatigue… Nor does it mean failure to get a mind-blowing orgasm on every single occasion. If it does mean these things, every woman is frigid. …” (p198 Joy of Sex 1972)
Perhaps all that is missing from ‘Joy of Sex’ is simply an acknowledgement of how much more difficult it is for a woman to apply her sexual fantasies to sex with a partner. Ironically, although it may suit men to have the visual benefits of covers off and lights on, women may be the opposite. I close my eyes during masturbation to focus on fantasy and during sex I also prefer subdued lighting to blot out the everyday world so that I can fully absorb myself in enjoying my physical arousal.

Reaching orgasm

2009-10-14T07:25:00.000-07:00

Rose was a pretty woman, tall and slim. Despite being a mother and housewife at home she always achieved a classy presentation. Her partner evidently cared about his sex life and over the years they had had their ups and downs like everyone else.
In her late forties Rose told me: “Although I masturbated as a youngster (from 14) it was never to orgasm. My first orgasm was by accident. It happened at 17 with a boyfriend – not during penetrative sex but as a result of my body rubbing against his body. It was a scary experience for me and I didn’t like being out of control.
It wasn’t until I met my long-term partner who had studied the female anatomy from books and real girls that I had another orgasm at 19. I didn’t want (for a number of reasons) penetrative sex so our initial experiments were with mutual masturbation. It was really easy then about 6 months later to transfer to penetrative orgasmic sex. I often wonder how long it would have taken for me to discover orgasm if I hadn’t met this more experienced lover.”
Rose did not masturbate alone but she had succeeded in applying orgasm techniques to sex with her partner. Very occasionally, her partner will masturbate her but generally, she masturbates herself. Rose confirmed that her partner tends to initiate sex. Rose agreed that a man’s sexual arousal can be very flattering and that an important aspect of her own sexual arousal was the idea that her partner wanted to have sex with her. Some couples find that the spoon position allows a woman to stimulate herself (think of spoons lying side by side in a drawer – man behind the woman).
Rose added: “It’s peculiar that the ‘power’ that women have over men (i.e. the ability to sexually arouse them) is at times really appreciated by the woman and helps with her arousal. And at other times completely abhorrent to her or at least the effect it has is abhorrent. Unfortunately, men seem to be unable to get the timing right as to when to respond to this power. This is not very fair for men because they really seem unable to pick up the signals and respond appropriately. I believe that for whatever reason (upbringing, genetics) that their emotions are so controlled that they cannot read the emotional signals that women give out.”
“It’s not that men are insensitive. Their brains just aren’t organised to notice small details and changes in the appearance or behaviour of others. ” (p77 Why men don’t listen 1999)
Sharing sexual fantasies
Rose recommended: “Men need to learn manual arousal techniques (to use on the woman) and also not to be intimidated by women using masturbation as part of the act of intercourse. Women need to learn to combine masturbation and intercourse and feel completely free to share their fantasies and use them during intercourse.”
She giggled: “I wonder if the taboo about sex is not about sex per se but about the ‘naughty fantasies’ that make sex so good! I also found it difficult to share fantasies as I was unsure if speaking about them might somehow make them lose their power – like bursting a bubble – thankfully it hasn’t”.
Rose agreed that women’s sexual arousal and orgasm is not automatic and that women have to make a more conscious choice to become aroused: “Men are easily stimulated by sexual thoughts. Women’s automatic trigger is
more easily sublimated
far less frequent
needs other factors present to be switched on (i.e. they need to be content with other areas of their life).
I think that they do have this automatic trigger but because of the above reasons, the choice becomes more conscious. Women usually need more artificial aids to trigger arousal. I would also add general touching and caressing (as opposed to specifically primary erogenous zone touching).”

Spice up your sex life

2009-10-14T07:18:00.000-07:00

A young woman, who had promised her father that she would remain a virgin until a certain age, complied with his request by having anal intercourse with her sexual partners (Note: STD protection and contraceptives still required). Unsurprisingly, she was very popular with men who tend not to be so hung up about breaking such sexual taboos.
To be fair though – we expect more of women. There is no such thing as a male slut no matter how ‘wantonly’ a man behaves. Some women do explore sexual pleasure but there are many less flattering terms for women who are sexually adventurous.
A strong argument against anal sex is that it is not ‘natural’ but then ‘natural sex’ is usually defined in terms of reproduction rather than sexual pleasure. Looked at another way, the very fact that the anal area is an erogenous zone means that Nature designed it that way.
It is our culture that chooses to restrict how we enjoy sexual pleasure. Seriously though, can you imagine a sex life that involves only vaginal intercourse over a life-time? No wonder couples stop having sex – boredom alone would kill anyone’s sexual desire.
“Since intercourse has been defined as the basic form of sexuality, and the only natural, healthy and moral form of physical contact, it has automatically been assumed that this is when women should orgasm.” (p42 The Hite Reports 1993)
Many women experience a lack of sexual arousal during sex because vaginal intercourse is not designed to facilitate female orgasm, either physically or psychologically.
Sexual pleasure at any price
Men’s drive to enjoy their sexuality is stronger than women’s and so they are able to push aside any qualms about what is ‘proper’ more easily than we can. Men might have difficulty understanding this limitation but then they are not usually the ones compromised by sex. They are also more prone to opt for sexual pleasure at any price.
A woman told me that a gay friend of hers had to wear a tampon in his rectum because his sphincter muscle around the anus had become loose from over indulgence. As with all good things, moderation is key! Em & Lo give plenty of practical advice in their book ‘The Big Bang’. They suggest that anal intercourse can lead to a healthier awareness of the anal area. Nina Hartley, who runs sex clinics in the US, also deals sensitively with this topic in erotic movies.
“… with enough relaxation, communication, lubrication and TLC, anal sex can actually strengthen your sphincter muscles.” (p80 The Big Bang 2004)
Our enjoyment of sexual pleasure will always depend to some degree on our willingness to indulge our sexual fantasies as well as to explore our own sexuality and our sexual relationship with a lover. Ultimately we each need to find our own personal balance between reconciling our moral beliefs and enjoying our sexual experiences.
Heterosexual women need to come out of the closet over sex. Sex by its very nature cannot be pure. The fact is that the most taboo concepts are likely to be the most arousing. Sexual fantasies are all very well but liberated women also need to confess which sexual activities they find most effective for enjoying sexual arousal with a partner.

Sharing physical intimacy with a partner

2009-10-14T07:05:00.000-07:00

From the very early days, I appreciated the sensual aspects of sex with a partner:
The intimacy of full-on kissing
Enjoying the different feel of hairy skin
Marvelling at the responsiveness of his erection
The intimacy of nudity
The concept of penetration
I have enjoyed sharing physical intimacy with a lover but this is very different to achieving my own sexual arousal. I always knew that true sexual arousal was missing because I was familiar with orgasm from the very first time that I had sex. Very few women discover female masturbation before having sex.
As a natural part of a loving relationships, my partners have wanted to demonstrate affection by hugging, kissing and touching my body. Naturally, they have appreciated me returning a similar level of physical fondling of their body. Thereafter the follow through to intercourse and male orgasm is from their perspective an inevitable conclusion to close physical intimacy with someone they love.
I accepted this and did not withdraw my affection even though I did not personally want sex on each occasion. I have put effort into responding sensually and lovingly because I knew that it would pleasure my partner. My partner has always been quick to become noticeably aroused so learning how to pleasure a man was an easy way to demonstrate my love for him.
Men approach sex already mentally aroused and so they tend to take this aspect of sex for granted. Physical stimulation techniques only work if you are already aroused in your mind. Other women might talk about feeling horny or turned on but this is more likely to indicate that they are amenable to sex not that they are just about to orgasm.
A therapist once asked me what I found most attractive about my partner. The answer was easy: first his penis, next his face and then perhaps his voice. I’m not sure that all heterosexual women are as comfortable with admiring their partner’s genitals or even that they are familiar with their own.
One of unfortunate consequences of the sexual revolution was to imply that all of a sudden women were transformed from what they were before (presumably just ordinary women – wives, housewives and mothers) into fully motivated sexual beings.
It would be great if women did get turned on by the visual pornography that men enjoy. Sadly many women are disgusted by graphic images of sexual acts. Some couples do watch porn movies together but many women are not amenable.
Men experience spontaneous sexual arousal as a result of testosterone (the hormone responsible for sex drive) and by the sight of a woman’s body. Women have neither of these benefits. They have to consciously decide to achieve their own sexual arousal. This is where sexual fantasies come in.
Overall, I find stories are more effective than images for generating sexual fantasies and sexual arousal. Porn movies are good for getting turned on to sex with a partner but do not help me achieve orgasm during female masturbation.
I have found (post 35 when my clit has been less sensitive) that my partner can stimulate me much more effectively with his fingers. Penetration is nice, conceptually, but the vagina has few nerve endings – it is, after all, the birth canal.

The truth about female sexuality

2009-10-14T06:58:00.000-07:00

Sex is a difficult subject to analyse because it relies on our emotions rather than our powers of logical reasoning. How many women have been as interested in sex as I have been?
Having masturbated since the age of seventeen, I knew that orgasm was missing from sex. I consulted sex experts and had it confirmed that my partner and I are completely normal. I have read extensively and have my own personal library of erotica and sex manuals. I have explored sex with a partner on a regular basis over many years. I have spent over ten years writing about sex and talking to others about sex.
Despite this experience, all it takes is one sixteen-year-old to claim that sexual arousal and orgasm was easy for her the first time and every time or one twenty-something-year-old to talk about multiple orgasms. Suddenly, anyone’s interest in a more realistic discussion deflates like a balloon – we all prefer the more sensational report. And yet these claims do not tally with anyone’s real-life experiences of sex.
I may be doubting women’s claims of easy orgasm during sex but I am certainly not anti-sex – quite the reverse. I am asking: why do so many women dislike the eroticism that lies at the heart of our sexuality and our enjoyment of our sexual arousal?
I want to put an end to the intimidating and humiliating advice that is typically given to young women today. The fact is that any woman who asks about lack of sexual arousal during sex is very unlikely to:
Be ignorant of the basic sexual facts;
Have emotional hang-ups about sex;
Be psychologically traumatised in some way;
Be sexually inhibited;
Be lacking the appropriate loving feelings for her partner.
And yet, I have been patronised and humiliated with all of these opinions by amateurs and professionals alike even as an experienced woman (over the age of thirty five). It is a crime that this ’sex advice’ is given to young women on the web every day.
The FACTS of female sexuality are lost: (1) that women need clitoral stimulation for orgasm and (2) that women are likely to find it difficult to use their sexual fantasies effectively during sex with a partner.
If my experiences were truly abnormal in some way, then others would be more sympathetic. They would be able to explain how they are able to overcome the known facts about female sexuality instead of claiming that it all happens ‘naturally’.
I have no agenda. I am not trying to make money out of anyone. I am simply trying to establish some facts and provide other couples with more logical and realistic information about female sexuality.

How men appreciate sex and love

2009-10-14T06:40:00.000-07:00

My mother never talked to me much about sex but she did tell me to respect a man’s sexual ego. She believed that a man’s sexual performance relies on a sensitive lover who understands how to play to a man’s sexual fantasies.
A man hopes for a lover who is enthusiastic about sharing physical intimacy and their intimate time together as lovers. Essentially, sex is no fun if it is one-sided. More than this, a man wants to feel that his love-making is pleasing his woman. Where does a woman draw the line?
I could not lie by pretending to reach orgasm from intercourse. However, I have put effort into being a responsive lover during sex. I kiss back. I move to his rhythm. I grasp his buttocks or stroke his balls. I run my fingers down his back.
I have approached sex with a willingness to pleasure a man that I now realise other women may not always offer. However, this generosity towards my lover has also meant that I have hoped for more in return. I have questioned why I should always be enthusiastic about sex when my own sexual arousal has been so elusive.
Men are lucky because their experiences of sex and love are closely aligned. When men are physically intimate with someone they find attractive, sexual arousal is usually automatic. This connection between sex and love is much less evident for women.
Men’s easy sexual arousal makes the early days of a romance fairly effortless for a woman. Sadly, sex can become one-sided because a woman’s arousal is so much more difficult to achieve. Orgasm and sexual pleasure are so important to men, if a woman is a generous and sensitive lover, a man is often willing to be generous in return by being devoted to her.
One woman was shocked when a female colleague brazenly admitted that she waits for her husband to be in that state of post-coital gratitude before she asks him to pay for the next household item. Sex needn’t be as manipulative as this. My partner’s devotion to me encourages him to spend more time with the family and with me talking about our goals for our lives together.
It makes senses that sex is more important to men. It would hardly be fair if women got to enjoy sex as much as men do as well all the aspects of reproduction that men can never experience. We might just as well ask why men don’t want to devote the whole of their lives to their children as many women do.
For the survival of our species it is vital that women are devoted to their children. The skills of pleasuring a man through sex are a luxury: nice to have (perhaps even very nice to have!) but not vital to our survival.
After all if men wanted to marry women who were ‘good in bed’ presumably they would simply trawl the brothels for a woman who was well-versed in how to pleasure a man sexually. Likewise, the old-fashioned custom of virgin brides hardly indicates a desire for a wife who is knowledgeable about sexual pleasure.
Nevertheless men seem to need to express their love for a woman through sex and women find this difficult to relate to because we don’t have the same need. Sometimes a woman can feel that a man loves sex more than he loves her.
Since sex and enjoyment of orgasm are much more important to men than they are for women, it tends to be women, not men, who are offended by eroticism. There is a contradiction for men: although they may use plenty of gutsy words to describe a woman they find sexually attractive, they would not like to hear another man talking about a woman they care about in that way.
Emotionally, men need women more than women need men because men do not get the same emotional rewards from same sex friendships and from caring for their children. So although men want sex intensely they also benefit from the emotional intimacy that women provide through family and the wider relationship.

Women often settle for sexual arousal

2009-10-14T06:32:00.000-07:00

On relating our experience to others, we all tend to gloss over details or not own up to difficulties that were perhaps transient. The fact is that women have to learn how to orgasm.
One woman told me that it had taken around ten years for her and her partner to achieve a ‘good’ sex life. Surely this fact is worth passing on to younger generations? Imagine telling a man he has to wait ten years to learn how to orgasm from sex!
Young women often don’t know how to orgasm and older women are not always that open about their own sexual experiences. The huge gap between how women’s sexual arousal is portrayed in the media compared with reality means that sex advice for women is often misleading.
I told Linda, a mother of three in her late forties, that I had never had an orgasm during intercourse. Linda looked at me incredulously and laughed as if I must be ignorant of the most basic facts about sex. Naturally, I died with mortification at appearing to be so inadequate.
“In fact, since only about 30 percent of women achieve orgasm with intercourse but over 80 percent experience a climax with masturbation, orgasm by means of masturbation rather than by sexual intercourse, should be regarded as the normal experience.” (p53 Healthy Sex 1998)
However, later when Linda joked that she would rather do her gardening on weekends than have sex, I was confused. Although I would not go to the ends of the world to have an orgasm through masturbation, it is definitely worth investing a few minutes of effort from time to time.
Women who have never masturbated presumably assume that reaching orgasm must always be a drawn out affair. If you are already turned on and have an effective fantasy ready to hand, it is no trouble reaching orgasm from female masturbation within a couple of minutes. Admittedly, although masturbation is very enjoyable, I have no sense of needing to interrupt other activities to engage in it. I usually consider masturbation when I am already lying in bed either on waking or on going to sleep.
“In fact, women do not take longer to orgasm than men. The majority of women in Kinsey’s study masturbated to orgasm within four minutes, similar to the women in this study. It is, obviously, only during inadequate or secondary, insufficient stimulation like intercourse that we take ’longer’ and need prolonged ’foreplay’.” (p46 The Hite Reports 1993)
Months later, when we had talked around the subject a few times Linda told me that she did not always experience orgasm, that orgasm was not that important to her and that her partner was the prime initiator in their sex life. So, her experience of sex with a partner was little different to my own. Linda explained that she had never approached sex expecting to experience orgasm.
Linda liked to dress provocatively and was evidently one of those women who enjoy attracting a man’s attention. For her, sex was about sharing an intimate physical act with her partner and so masturbation was meaningless. They watched porn movies together and Linda confirmed that she preferred some story content rather than the endless banging sessions.
“For some women lovemaking without orgasm is unsatisfying and they feel they have missed out on something precious. For others the journey holds more richness and delight than the getting there.” (p80 Woman’s Experience of Sex 1983)

Sexual pleasure

2009-10-14T06:19:00.000-07:00

Self-evidently there are the ‘responsible’ aspects of sex as well as the ‘pleasurable’ but sexual ignorance is of no use to anyone.
Young women today are more likely to end up pregnant as a result of pressure from men or from idealised images of motherhood than from any hope to indulge in enjoying sexual pleasure. Allowing teenage girls to hope to enjoy their sexual relationships is an important part of giving women the confidence to stand up for what they want in life.
It may be that in the first instance, a woman’s sex drive is more likely to involve a desire to enjoy family rather than orgasm. But female sexuality can encompass more than this reproductive capacity. Girls need information about how their sexual arousal works if they are to discover how to get the most out of a long-term sexual relationship.
In an ideal world, we would all be jumping up and down to know the top 10 tips for encouraging women to enjoy sexual pleasure with a partner. Unfortunately, many people fear that women always stand to be exploited through sex because men’s sexual arousal and orgasm are so much more easily achieved. Thus sexual pleasure is more usually associated with women facilitating male gratification than with them enjoying their own arousal and orgasm.
‘Joy of Sex’ was one of the first books to promote the idea of the mutually enjoyable sexual relationship. One might have thought that a sex expert would be best qualified to present the ‘ideal sex life’ but the author was just an ‘ordinary’ member of the public. There was nothing ‘ordinary’ about Alex Comfort’s sex life though. Indeed, such a sex life is a rarity for anyone, sex expert or not.
If you are fortunate enough to be a liberated couple, I’m sure that even you would struggle to incorporate the variety of sexual activities that Alex Comfort describes in his book on a regular basis. You are lucky because even today the vast majority of couples do not explore sex with the sense of adventure and total lack of inhibition depicted in ‘Joy of Sex’.
Lack of understanding about female sexuality means that women are often reluctant to promote the clitoris, either through female masturbation or oral sex, to younger generations. This may explain the custom in some primitive African communities of the surgical removal of a young woman’s clitoris (grossly mis-named ‘female circumcision’) by older women in the tribe.
Even though some women do explore sexual pleasure through genital stimulation, there is very little practical sex advice passed on by more experienced women to enable younger women to learn how to go about transferring orgasm techniques to sex with a partner.

Female masturbation is relatively uncommon

2009-10-14T06:10:00.000-07:00

Carolyn, a relationship counsellor in her fifties, told me she thought it unwise to positively encourage female masturbation. She did not give her reasons.
“Many women think of masturbation as unnatural and disgusting and a complete waste of time, and don’t understand why anybody does it and are unsympathetic to the view that people might continue to do it even though they have sexual partners. The majority of men, though they may keep their feelings to themselves, don’t agree.” (p52 Healthy Sex 1998)
It is often implied that for a heterosexual woman, sex is an emotional experience and that orgasm (if acknowledged at all) comes from simply loving her partner. The unspoken fear is that any activity as sexually explicit as masturbation, might interfere with the more acceptable loving experiences that a sexual relationship can provide.
Carolyn knew that I masturbated and she asked me, rather tactlessly I thought, whether I had ever had any lesbian tendencies. It reminds me of the joke told by a character in the film ‘Flashdance’. A male chef asks, “What’s this?” and sticks his tongue out flat. The answer – “A lesbian with a hard on!”.
Lesbian women are seen to be explicitly sexual with a need for their own physical sexual arousal (involving the clitoris). Whereas many heterosexual women are more comfortable settling for the loving aspects of relationships including sexual intercourse, which can be justified morally on the grounds of reproduction. There is an implication that there is something immoral about heterosexual women enjoying sexual pleasure.
We like to underplay the physical aspects of heterosexual women’s sexual arousal. Even though women do have ‘hard-ons’ we rarely acknowledge this fact. We prefer to attribute strong physical responses to male sexuality. My own experience is that although I enjoy my own sexual arousal and orgasm, my focus is on what is happening in my head rather than to my body. In general, men are more tuned into the physical side of sex (genital focus) but a woman appreciates the sensuality of her whole body (her power to arouse a man).
One disadvantage of masturbation and learning how to give yourself an orgasm early on in life is that your expectation is set much higher than a woman who does not know what an orgasm is. You are then sure to face disappointment if you assume that a sexual experience shared with a lover will necessarily be as easily pleasurable.
“Masturbation is a normal sexual outlet, which is most common in adolescence, but which is practised at all ages, by people with and without sexual partners. Masturbation is a healthy way of learning to explore your body, of developing your sexuality and your sexual fantasies. All of these are important for a fulfilling sexual life.” (p56 EveryMan 1980)

Foreplay techniques

2009-10-14T06:04:00.000-07:00

Foreplay has evolved as a means of compensating women for the lack of clitoral stimulation during intercourse. The concept behind foreplay techniques (including clitoral stimulation) is that a man should be able to arouse a woman sufficiently to enable him to continue stimulating her to orgasm through thrusting alone.
One problem with foreplay is that clitoral stimulation needs to continue to the point of orgasm. (Imagine leaving off penile stimulation just as a man heads for orgasm!)
More fundamentally though, foreplay techniques do not necessarily assist with women’s arousal because sexual arousal depends more on a person’s psychological state than on physical stimulation.
A man enjoys kissing and intimate touching, partly because of his resulting erection. His erection demonstrates his sexual appreciation for his partner. In other words, it is a compliment. If a man has difficulty achieving an erection, it is easy to arouse him by kissing his mouth, stroking his body or masturbating his penis (just for starters!).
The same pattern does not work for the majority of women for the following reasons:
Women do not have the spontaneous sexual arousal men tend to have from the start.
Women do not find the naked body of a sexual partner as arousing as men tend to.
As a result of these two points, a woman is not turned on enough in her mind to respond to physical stimulation in the same way that a man does. This means that it is quite normal for a woman to experience a lack of sexual arousal during sex. Many women don’t know how their own arousal works so small wonder that men struggle to find techniques to arouse their woman.
Women’s sexual arousal is not automatic
It is sexual fact: women do not enjoy the same easy and spontaneous sexual arousal and orgasm that men do. The misconception that intercourse is as easily pleasurable for women as it is for men, leads to many men to hope for a long-term sex life without accepting the need to offer their partner some pleasure.
Women may enjoy admiring a man’s body in a tight pair of jeans (or even completely naked) but not usually so much that we orgasm spontaneously. So during masturbation, while men look at pictures of naked women, women tend to use highly explicit sexual fantasies. Since women do not find the body of a sexual partner arousing enough to orgasm, it’s likely that they will need to use their fantasies during sex to achieve orgasm.
“The naked truth is that women are more likely to be attracted to a man when he has his clothes on.” (p28 Bluffer’s guide to Women 1998)
Women’s sexual arousal and orgasm is not automatic. So most women do not tend to reach a state of sexual arousal that could lead quickly to orgasm from just looking at a man and contemplating sex. Worse than that – when we approach sex with a partner (or masturbation for that matter) we tend to be stone cold in arousal terms. In other words, women do not start a sex session just short of an orgasm.
“Women aren’t automatically excited the way men are. But men seem to expect us to be turned on, and they’re annoyed when it doesn’t happen.” (p10 Why Men don’t get enough Sex and Women don’t get enough Love 1994)
Men have an automatic response to the sex hormone testosterone (e.g. a younger man’s early morning erection) as well as becoming aroused by seeing or touching an attractive woman. Women do not experience the same kind of spontaneous sexual arousal. Since they have fewer ‘natural’ aids for sexual arousal, women’s sexual arousal relies on sexual fantasies even during sex with a partner.

Clitoral stimulation is not everything

2009-10-14T05:45:00.000-07:00

In the 1960’s researchers confirmed that the clitoris, and not the vagina, is the origin of female orgasm. In order to explain how some women might orgasm from intercourse alone they proposed that some women find positions and techniques for sexual intercourse that maximise the indirect clitoral stimulation (caused by the action of the penis thrusting into the vagina) to enable them to reach orgasm.
“As sex therapist Lonnie Barbach notes: “In reality, the clitoris is the female sex organ. … The vagina is comparable in sensitivity to the male testicles.” (p587 Human Sexuality (fifth edition) 1995)
By the mid-1970’s though it was accepted that this indirect action was not sufficient to enable the majority of women to reach orgasm. It was agreed that most women are likely to find orgasm with a partner easier by applying orgasm techniques to sex learnt from masturbation or through oral sex because clitoral stimulation is more direct.
“ … certainly, it is easier for most women to be orgasmic during masturbation than during intercourse. … With masturbation, a woman can focus sexual stimulation precisely where she finds it most arousing, … For most women, masturbation involves some form of stimulation of the clitoris, whereas with intercourse, the clitoris is only stimulated indirectly, …” (p587 Human Sexuality (fifth edition) 1995)
I found it comforting to know that there was a good reason why orgasm was so much easier through masturbation. Sadly though, the explanation has never really helped with orgasm in my sexual relationship.
Clitoral stimulation is thought to help but cannot guarantee orgasm
In fact it’s not just lack of orgasm during sexual intercourse that women struggle with but orgasm by any means with a partner. Most informed people today are aware of the importance of the clitoris and a woman can only know that something is missing from sex if she is familiar with orgasm from masturbation. So why do women still ask about orgasm with a partner?
Experts often imply that female orgasm is easily achieved but if it was a simple as pressing a button, surely we would all have worked it out by now? I appreciate that sexual ignorance is rife out there but surely it is accepted that the ‘informed couple’ exists? Don’t sex experts realise that couples read sex manuals and try different approaches to sex?
Clitoral stimulation is known to assist with orgasm during female masturbation but only when combined with the use of highly explicit sexual fantasies. So the suggestion that clitoral stimulation alone will lead to orgasm during sex with a partner is simply a shot in the dark – a suggestion that is intended to be helpful but one that can, in fact, be quite misleading.
Despite all the limelight that our genitals (clitoris/penis) get, it is in fact the brain that is the main sex organ. If you cannot generate some psychological sexual arousal then you can forget about the rest. I have certainly never been able to use my fantasies effectively during sex with a partner – it just does not work the same way. After years of researching the small print, I also know that I am not the only woman who has had this experience.
Women’s sexual arousal relies on sexual fantasies during masturbation and many women are able to use the same orgasm techniques during sex. Try bringing some sexual fantasies into sex with a partner even if that means reading some erotica while he touches you up. This can be a very enjoyable precursor to sex if nothing else.
I find that women’s erotica can be a little too ’soft porn’ and overly focused on the woman’s body. If you want something a little more gutsy then try some homosexual erotica, which can be a real turn-on because it is full of male body parts, anal sex and fellatio. Of course, there’s always the more mundane domination and sadism which gets many of us going, like it or not.

Sexual promiscuity

2009-10-14T05:40:00.000-07:00

Renate, a young student of twenty-six liked to be affectionate with her male friends but she was bewildered when they interpreted her hugs as a sexual advance.
A man tends to assume that physical intimacy is a given as soon as a woman shows any form of intimacy with him. A woman needs more time to build the trust and respect that generate the emotional intimacy that causes her to be amenable to sex with a man.
“Women associate affection with love. … Men associate affection much more directly with sex. … Men see affection of any kind as a sexual invitation. Many women find this bewildering.” (p264 Why Men don’t get enough Sex and Women don’t get enough Love 1994)
This explains in part why women can happily kiss each other, touch and go to the bathroom together without any sexual implication. It is much more difficult for men to engage in the same kind of innocent intimacy with others of the same sex because men’s intentions when seeking physical intimacy are so often sexually motivated.
One evening Renate invited some friends for supper and after the others had left, one young man simply went upstairs and got into her bed. Renate did not know how to ask him to leave and so she had sex with him. After having sex with a number of male friends at college, Renate found that even some of the men started to treat her disrespectfully.
In fact, a sexually demanding partner can be a turn-off for a man. Simply put, men prefer to be the ones chasing women rather than the other way around. Nevertheless, they are unlikely to see the contradiction in wanting their woman to be enthusiastic about sexual opportunities with them even when they know that she is less driven by sex in general.
Men are rarely called sluts
We accept men being promiscuous because of their sex drive but women do not have the same excuse. This is why we can admire James Bond’s light-hearted sexual exploits but all three women in Charlie’s Angels are engaged in committed relationships. From a male perspective it might appear that women are inhibited but the truth is that most women are naturally more selective about who they have sex with.
This is why many people believe in sheltering young women from eroticism because it is generally much more difficult for women to enjoy the same sexual pleasure that men do, especially from casual sex. Most women who learn how to orgasm with a partner do so only after many years with the same man.
Teenage girls need to be reassured that they should never feel bulldozed into sex by the popular view that sex is always easily pleasurable for women. True sexual liberation means girls having control over their own body and the confidence to hope to enjoy arousal from their sexual relationships.
In the film ‘Fifth Element’, Bruce Willis kisses the alien beauty assuming that she is unconscious. Jumping up instantly, she points a gun at him and gabbles quite unintelligibly. Later, he asks for a translation, “Not without my permission”. He smiles wryly and acknowledges, “I thought so”. Whatever taunts are thrown out by men looking for a frivolous lay, in the longer term men respect a more picky woman.
“When men see an attractive woman, they fantasise about sex. When women see an attractive man, they fantasise about a relationship – charming, agreeable company over dinner, friendship and comfort. Sex does not necessarily come into it.” (p30 Bluffers Guide to Women 1998)

Explanations for women's sexual arousal

2009-10-14T01:52:00.000-07:00

People who like to talk confidently about sex often claim that women can orgasm easily from vaginal intercourse. I am very happy for anyone who can achieve easy orgasm and yet, when I ask for details, the responses tend to be frustratingly vague and defensive. I am not questioning that orgasm may happen ‘naturally’ or ‘automatically’ for some women but it would be more convincing if explanations of women’s experiences did not contradict the physical and psychological facts of women’s sexuality.
“Orgasms are natural, but intercourse is not, for many of us, the easiest way to have them.” (p79 Woman’s Experience of Sex 1983)
Popular beliefs mean that many people assume that women ‘naturally’ orgasm during sex. I have been advised to read a sex manual as if only extreme sexual ignorance can explain a lack of orgasm for women today. Alternatively, I am asked, with a sympathetic expression, about my feelings for my partner: “Do you find him attractive? Do you love him?” The implication is that orgasm comes naturally when a woman truly loves a man.
More informed sources commonly explain women’s lack of sexual arousal during sex and their failure to reach orgasm during intercourse by:
some deficiency on the part of the woman (i.e. that she is either physically or psychologically abnormal in some way);
or ignorance (i.e. that we are not doing it right) including the suggestion that the man might be an incompetent lover.
A popular suggestion is that women have emotional hang-ups about sex and yet it is not logical that women should be more inhibited in their intimate relationships than men are. Given women’s much closer emotional intimacy with friends and their children, it seems more likely that if anyone is going to be emotionally inhibited it would be men not women.
Traditional beliefs about female sexuality explain why women are told that they (but not men) need a loving relationship to enjoy sex (orgasm involves erotic not loving sensations). Of course, the ultimate fall-back is when experts suggest that female orgasm is unimportant, which is only true from a reproductive point of view and when a woman has no expectation for orgasm.
Women need clitoral stimulation for orgasm
Most boys work out how to enjoy orgasm through masturbation by the age of 12 or 13. Some women discover orgasm in their late teens, or in their twenties or thirties. Many others never discover orgasm throughout the whole of their lives. These phenomena are often diagnosed as women’s sexual dysfunction but there has to be a more reasonable explanation for these different experiences.
“Men, imagine having sex without having your penis stimulated. It would certainly not be very much fun.” (p42 Mars & Venus in the Bedroom 1995)
All those magazine articles proposing a million ways to give a woman a mind-blowing orgasm sound very promising but why are they needed in the first place? You rarely see an article explaining how to give a man even one orgasm, mind-blowing or otherwise. These articles prove that there are many women who struggle with orgasm of any description during sex.
It’s about time that sex experts stopped patronising the average couple out there. There are whole books written about female sexual arousal and orgasm so how can it be so straightforward that every woman achieves it as we’d like to think? Even the terms ‘arousal and orgasm’ refer to women’s experiences because men’s sexual arousal is usually easy. Yet so often we are told that the solution is as simple and obvious as pressing a button – the clitoris. Evidently, clitoral stimulation is not everything.
Unfortunately, although an increasing number of women ask about orgasm during sex, there is no research (sex surveys are notoriously unreliable) that provides the answer. Sex experts do not have the time that I have been able to spend on this issue. As a result of my extensive research, I can vouch for the fact that female arousal is not straightforward. Anyone who implies otherwise is misguided: they have either mis-interpreted their own experiences or they are simply quoting popular beliefs.
“… since female orgasm is not necessary during intercourse for reproduction to occur, why should nature provide stimulation for female orgasm during intercourse?” (p38 The Hite Reports 1993)

Women's sexual arousal relies on sexual fantasies

2009-10-14T01:47:00.000-07:00

Real female orgasms involve the release of sexual emotions not romantic feelings. So it does not matter how much you love your partner, orgasm will not materialise out of thin air.
Orgasm requires at least a few naughty thoughts from time to time, so if your conscience is as clear as a nun’s then you can forget about ever having one.
“Few of us reach orgasm without fantasy, so let your imagination go wild! … Don’t get hung up about your fantasy; it doesn’t mean you’re odd, gay or secretly want to be raped. Most women fantasise about things they wouldn’t dream of doing in real life – that’s why we call them fantasies.” (p13 Hot Sex 1998)
It turns out that women use sexual fantasies for sexual arousal and to generate a release of sexual emotions (orgasm) not only during masturbation but also during sex with a partner.
“Many times sexual fantasies are used to induce or enhance sexual arousal, and while fantasies are often combined with masturbation to provide a source of turn-on when a partner is not available, fantasies are also extremely common during sexual activity with some one else. For instance, one study of 212 married women found that sex fantasies help many women achieve sexual arousal and/or orgasm during sexual intercourse.” (p416 Human Sexuality (fifth edition) 1995)
Some women’s sexual fantasises do not transfer to sex
Some women find that they are not able to use their sexual fantasies effectively during sex with a partner. It has been suggested that this is particularly true for complex and surreal fantasies (as they often are). The presence of another person interferes with the mental focus needed to generate sufficient arousal for orgasm.
To generate enough arousal to reach the heights of orgasm, my brain really has to focus. Even a dripping tap or someone else’s presence is enough to destroy my mental absorption in a sexual fantasy. So there is no question of being able to fantasise effectively during sex with a partner.
Women also have to work harder than men to generate orgasm from a much lower base level of sexual arousal. So we have to be more inventive about our sexual fantasies and their surreal nature can make them more difficult to relate to a sex life with a real-life partner.
“Roxanne, a forty-seven-year-old psychiatrist, explains also that ‘women probably fantasize more and harder than men, because the traditional idea of feminine behaviour is a burden to a woman during sex. …
Fantasy restores the balance. Add to that that women spend more time thinking up stories anyway, and read more fiction than men, and you’ve got a wild world in there … lewd extravagances that I’ll bet most men never come even close to imagining.’
By focusing on some aspect of sex that she finds particularly arousing, and by exaggerating it to the point of outrageousness, a woman increases her chances of climaxing.” (p179 Satisfaction Guaranteed 1996)

Understanding female sexuality

2009-10-14T01:43:00.000-07:00

One of misconceptions of the sexual revolution was the proposal that, for men and women to be equal, they had to be the same. But testosterone is the sex hormone and it’s no surprise that men’s bodies are full of it.
Attributes traditionally considered feminine (e.g. being passive or accommodating) were thought to be signs of weakness or inferiority. Whereas traditionally masculine attributes (e.g. being assertive or dominant) were thought to be signs of strength or superiority.
This is a very natural male view of the world but many young and independent women also identified with the masculine perspective. So it was implied that all women, whatever their aspirations or experience, should aspire to these more masculine characteristics and goals.
Sex is fundamentally about male sex drive. A man’s erect penis is the symbol of this hormonal drive to thrust until ejaculation. If women have a reproductive drive at all then it is an emotional drive to raise their children. They certainly do not have the same biological drive to reach orgasm that men experience.
Women’s sexual fantasies often include an element of domination. It is fashionable to interpret such negative images as indicative of guilt or inhibition. I see it differently. When a sexual partner takes control we have the pleasure of feeling that we are the object of their desire. Many men would not object if their woman took a more assertive role by indicating her sexual desires.
Initially, a young man is so driven by his own need to bring his state of sexual arousal to orgasm that he has little bandwidth for concerns about his partner’s arousal. More experienced men come to appreciate that having an engaged sexual partner who is able to enjoy her own sexual fantasies and sexual arousal can be the most arousing aspect of sex over the longer term.
I have questioned how other women can experience spontaneous sexual arousal because I have been sexually adventurous. The truth is that men often assume that their partner experiences orgasm: either they rely on their partner’s say-so or they assume that women’s minds and bodies respond to sexual stimuli much as men’s do.
My appreciation of eroticism has encouraged me to explore my own sexual arousal both alone and with a partner. Women who object to eroticism often comment that sex scenes potentially violate women or defile their bodies. Such women must have very different reactions to a woman who is more at ease with eroticism. There is no judgment here simply a desire to differentiate.

Women who enjoy their own sexual arousal

2009-10-14T01:30:00.000-07:00

Perhaps it would be simpler if I explained that I am targeting women who masturbate regularly in order to enjoy their own sexual arousal and orgasm.
Other women can be totally convinced that sexual arousal is easy and I am very happy for them. But if you do not masturbate then you cannot usefully comment on the experiences of women who do. This is simply a fact. You may think that you are talking about the same experiences but you cannot be.
Imagine that, as a man, you are comparing notes with another man who has never masturbated to orgasm. Presumably he has never had the urge to masturbate or perhaps he simply lacked the curiosity to explore his own sexual arousal.
Anyway, the first time you have sex you are devastated when ‘the real thing’ turns out to be totally un-arousing. Then you learn that experts concluded decades ago that vaginal intercourse does not provide the PHYSICAL stimulation that a person of your gender needs for orgasm. This makes orgasm highly unlikely even if a person knows that they need to compensate for the lack of genital stimulation.
There you are, with years of experience of your own sexual arousal through masturbation, knowing that you have never experienced the same kind of orgasm with a partner. This same man assures you that orgasm during sex was always easy for him: the first time and every time. He confidently informs you that orgasm is simply a matter of finding a loving partner who knows how to give you an orgasm.
Much later, you also come to appreciate that without the ability to get yourself aroused in your mind during sex as you do during masturbation (imagine here that instead of using erotic IMAGES you use erotic SCENARIOS), there is no means of generating the PSYCHOLOGICAL arousal that makes genital stimulation effective.
So how does this other man generate the sexual arousal that he has never been motivated to enjoy by himself? Especially when he appears to be oblivious to the need for psychological or physical stimulation techniques to compensate for the known facts of his anatomy and psychology for your sex. How can it be that everything works for him WITHOUT HIM EVEN TRYING?
The answer is that it doesn’t because he has never aspired to the same experience in the first place.
In any case, if a woman believes that she is talking about the same heights of orgasm that men experience, then why would she not masturbate? Men certainly do, on a regular basis whether they have a partner or not. So why would a woman not want to enjoy orgasm in the same way? Why all this moral self-restraint?
The problem with sex advice today is that it’s quite possible for a woman who has never masturbated to be advising a woman who is familiar with orgasm from female masturbation. This is wrong because you cannot advise someone unless you have at least as much experience as they have.
Women who know how to achieve their own sexual arousal have an unusually high (for women) appreciation of eroticism and so they understand that orgasm involves a release of sexual feelings not loving feelings. Consequently, true sexual arousal relies on a person’s ability to appreciate eroticism (images for men; scenarios for women).
My aim is to reassure those women who have explored their sexuality both alone and with a partner enough to know that orgasm during sex is not easy. I am interested in whether other women, who are familiar with orgasm from female masturbation, are able to achieve something similar during sex with a partner.
It does not matter if other people believe that women can experience orgasm without learning about their own sexual arousal through masturbation as men do. Neither does it matter that women claim to experience the same spontaneous arousal as men even though the female body and mind do not respond as men’s do. I am not trying to convince everyone.
If people want to learn from the experiences of others, that is their choice. If not, I am not in the least offended.

Why is sexual pleasure still taboo?

2009-10-14T01:25:00.000-07:00

Prostitution is at the core of the contradiction and embarrassment that lies at the centre of sex. After all, if sex is so equally pleasurable then why would anyone need to pay for sex? The vast majority of prostitutes are women who are providing sexual services to men.
Prostitution exists because men’s drive to enjoy sexual pleasure cannot always be satisfied through relationships. This is because wives and girlfriends are often reluctant to offer sexual pleasuring other than vaginal intercourse.
Even prostitutes can be disgusted by the activities that their male clients ask for. And yet, it is the women who are shamed not the men that generate the demand. No woman aspires to be a prostitute and few men want their daughters or sisters to be prostitutes.
Even if a man has a mistress, it is still likely that his own legitimate children will benefit most from his efforts. So women are not likely to evolve aptitudes directed towards sex. All a woman has to do is attract a man. Her job is to ensure that her children survive and thrive.
Prostitution is associated with exploitation of women by men. Equally, women can suffer through being used by men for sex because they are usually hoping for long-term emotional rewards from a relationship with a man rather than short-term sexual rewards.
Although sex is implicit within marriage since it leads to family, sexual pleasure has always been taboo for respectable women. Women simply do not have the same drive that men have to enjoy their own sexual arousal and orgasm.
The problem with sex advice today is that girls are not provided with the facts about female sexuality that would enable them to enjoy sexual pleasure. When it came to my sex education, my father was keen that I should enjoy sex. He used to send me historical novels to read at school. Many of these had a sexual subtheme.
Kings of England, such as Henry VIII, expected complete obedience from everyone but any man expected obedience from his wife. Even today the Church of England offers the vow of bridal obedience from the 1662 Common Book of Prayer. Henry VIII treated women like sexual chattels to be discarded once they were no longer pretty and their figures spoiled from childbirth.
It is this need that men have to satisfy their sex drive by becoming aroused by a young woman’s body that causes most offense to women. At the most extreme, a woman can be viewed simply as a sexual commodity to be used for sex by a man and then discarded when he no longer finds her body arousing. Marriage was established in order to protect women and children.
Despite men’s desire for sexual pleasure, the most fundamental purpose of sex is reproduction. However, a man’s need for sex provides a woman with a means of keeping her man motivated to support the family. If a couple is able to open up to each other and explore eroticism together then they may discover more ways of pleasuring than young people ever try.
If you can survive the ups and downs, it is definitely worthwhile investing effort to keep the fun in sex. If a woman cares about her man, she will appreciate the importance that sex plays in his life. Sex can become more intimate and more adventurous if you are willing to invest some time and energy in your sex life.

Eroticism

2009-10-14T01:22:00.000-07:00

Men and women live in different worlds when it comes to attitudes to eroticism. I suggested that most women today must know how to pleasure a man but a British sex expert (male) disagreed, “They haven’t a clue, and even if they knew, most wouldn’t do it.”
A joke illustrates the point: “What is the difference between a job and a wife?” Answer “After ten years a job still sucks!”.
Unfortunately many people still believe in sheltering young women from eroticism and so girls are told the basic reproductive facts but nothing of sexual pleasure. We are confident about telling girls about sexual intercourse because it is the means of producing children. It also happens to be one of the easiest ways for a woman to provide a man with sexual release. Putting it crudely, masturbation by hand or mouth not only involves more work but is also more explicitly sexual.
Young women often don’t know how to orgasm and so they have little appreciation of their own sexual pleasure. This explains why women are often easily shocked by sex (in the context of sex play rather than trying for a baby) because they are not necessarily hoping for sexual release (orgasm) from sex. Men definitely are; and so eroticism and sex play, including activities other than intercourse, are more important to men.
A man’s arousal and orgasm are pretty much a given during sex. But a woman can take part in sexual activity without ever becoming aroused or reaching orgasm. So even women who have sex for years do not necessarily know how to orgasm. In order to qualify as ’sexually experienced’, it is quality (breadth of experience) not quantity (years or partners) that counts.
As a minimum, a sexually experienced woman should (1) be able to masturbate to orgasm alone, (2) have explored clitoral stimulation with a partner via mutual masturbation and oral sex and (3) have attempted a variety of positions for sexual intercourse. In order to discover how her arousal works, a woman needs to be positive enough about eroticism to be willing to explore her sexual fantasies. Unfortunately, the average woman (and this includes many ’sex experts’) lacks this experience.
Even in 2009, a major UK bookseller told me they remove the women’s erotic fiction before a head office audit. Presumably stories such as those in the ‘Black Lace’ range offend someone and yet for me they are so mildly erotic that I can rarely use them for orgasm. The same store happily sells pornographic magazines for men but women are supposed to be content with Mills & Boon romantic novels. I go to London for erotic literature with any bite (e.g. book stores along the Charing Cross Road).
Women do not get the same sexual pleasure
It is difficult for women to understand the strength of a man’s passion for sexual pleasure since we have no direct parallel. The film ‘Indecent Proposal’ might be a little far-fetched… nevertheless we are happy to believe that a man would pay as much as one million dollars just to have sex with an attractive woman.
Men experience a purely physical reaction to seeing a woman’s body that has nothing to do with personal relationships. So, men engage lap dancers, visit go-go bars and watch topless reviews because they enjoy the sensations of sexual arousal that come from the physical proximity of a semi-naked woman.
Conversely, women do not tend to pay even for this relatively mild physical gratification because the female mind and body simply do not respond as a man’s mind and body do. Women’s sexual arousal and orgasm is not automatic and so women have to learn about their sexual arousal. Women certainly do experience lust (or the desire to get laid) but it is worth noting that women often need to be enticed into sex whereas men rarely need any encouragement.
“ – men wish that women’s sexuality was like theirs, which it isn’t. Male sexual response is far brisker and more automatic: it is triggered easily by things, like putting a quarter in a vending machine. Consequently, at a certain level and for all men, girls and parts of girls are, at this stimulus level unpeople. That isn’t incompatible with their being people too. Your clothes, breasts, odour, etc. aren’t what he loves instead of you – simply the things he needs in order to set sex in motion to express love. Women seem to find this hard to understand.” (p34 The Joy of Sex – 1972)

Interpreting our sexual experiences

2009-10-14T01:19:00.000-07:00

When a man is stimulated sexually by a partner he finds it difficult to avoid becoming aroused. Similarly, if a woman’s response to penile thrusting (or any other physical stimulation technique) was automatic then women would presumably be unable to avoid becoming aroused whatever their conscious desires. The truth is that women have to learn how to orgasm.
“I only ever orgasm with a partner through oral sex and only if he’s really good at it. Lots of my girlfriends claim they come during intercourse but to be honest, I don’t believe them. I’m sexually educated and have a high, healthy libido and if I don’t have vaginal orgasms, I can’t see why they would.” (p102 Hot Sex 1998)
If only we could all apply such good common sense to life! We have very few channels for sharing our sexual experiences. Sometimes we assume that others must experience real life quite differently to ourselves even though there is no logical reason why they should. So don’t take too much notice of what other people say because bluffers, fakers and sex surveys do not provide reliable sex information.
“Read all the sex surveys you want but you still won’t really know what other people do in bed because what people say and what people do are two totally different things.” (p275 Hot Sex 1998)
The sexual fantasy view of female sexuality
When I have tried to talk to others about sex (not as a teenager but as a mature woman), I have been shocked by how defensive people can be. I accept that there are women who claim to have easy orgasmic sex from day one and I am very happy for them. But this is not the case for all women.
Don’t get me wrong – I would love to believe that couples can enjoy the mutual and easy sexual pleasure portrayed in porn movies and erotic novels. It’s just that, for me, reality never matched up and I think it is more useful to work with reality rather than hanker after some impossible-to-achieve fantasy. Sexual ego is harmful if it prevents us from keeping an open mind and being willing to learn from our real-life sexual experiences.
Personally, I have never found the so-called ‘G-spot’ nor have I experienced multiple orgasms. There are plenty of jokes about nymphomaniacs but I have never met a woman with this condition in real life. Whether these aspects of female sexuality are myths or simply rare occurrences, they undermine any attempt to generalise about the average woman’s experience of sex.
My partner joked that he will most likely to die of old age before he gets around to trying all the different suggestions on the web for locating a woman’s G-spot! The G-spot may be amazing but if it is so obcure then just how useful is it to the average couple? This search for the holy grail is yet another indication of how many women struggle with orgasm during sex.
As soon as I experienced a lack of sexual arousal during sex with a partner, I suspected that descriptions of women’s ability to orgasm easily during sex must be fictitious. So why have women not stood up and said: “But that’s ridiculous. My body and brain just do not react like that!”
One obvious reason is personal embarrassment. Another is that, although as heterosexual women our physical responses must be similar, our emotional interpretation of our sexual experiences can be quite different depending on our attitude and our expectations.
Finally we are all, often quite subconsciously, guilty of becoming defensive of our sexual fantasies and sexual egos. Emotionally we want to believe the fantasy because we cannot accept the facts even when they are laid out before us. The concept of ‘that’s just the way it is – take it or leave it’ does not appeal.
Unfortunately, sex advice for women is often misleading and advice is often vague because, for the most part, sex experts deal with sexual dysfunction and young people’s ignorance of the basic sexual facts. In fact, there is no intentional campaign to disseminate misinformation but simply a lack of understanding in an intensely personal area of our lives.

A man's sexual arousal can be very flattering

2009-10-14T00:59:00.000-07:00

In the early days of a romance, a man feels loved and needed through sex. A man’s sexual admiration for a woman makes her feel cared for and appreciated.
“Men are motivated and empowered when they feel needed… Women are motivated and empowered when they feel cherished…” (p43 Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus)
In the film ‘The Mirror has two Faces’, Barbra Streisand and Jeff Bridges star as a couple who agree to marry with no intention of ever having sex together. On continued sexual rejection by her husband, Barbra admits “I don’t do anything to you – that’s the problem.” She continues: “I believe in lust and sex and romance. I want someone to go crazy, out of his mind for me.” Sex and love are often confused for women and, for many women, sex need not be about orgasm at all.
Just as men feel valued as providers, women feel valued for being attractive. A woman wants to be rushed off her feet with the passion of her man’s sex drive. She wants to be adored. A woman’s ability to turn her man on causes him to want her both sexually as well as to ‘love and to hold’. Women have this power to attract a man and some people even define female sexuality in these terms.
In Rod Stewart’s song ‘You’re in my heart’ he explains “You are my lover, you’re my best friend”. Emotionally, it’s possible that men need women more than women need men because men don’t share emotional intimacy with others as easily as women do. It is sex that binds a man to a woman and motivates him to fight to the death if necessary to protect her. ‘Titanic’ was one of the most popular films of all time because women love the idea that a man could be so totally devoted.
“How to satisfy a woman every time: Caress, praise, pamper, … die for, dream of, tease, gratify, squeeze, indulge, idolise, worship. How to satisfy a man every time: Arrive naked. ” (p93 Why men don’t listen 1999)
Like it or not, sexual relationships favour male orgasm and naturally, given their drive to reach orgasm, men hope a lover will enhance their sexual arousal. Being the appreciative female lover can be one of the ways that a woman shows that she cares about her partner. She becomes less willing over time when she realises that he does not care about her priorities and feelings. Showing that you care about someone involves talking together and seeking an understanding of how the other person feels and what is important to them.
“A man’s sense of self is defined through his ability to achieve results. ” (p16 Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus)
“A woman’s sense of self is defined through her feelings and the quality of her relationships. ” (p18 Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus)

Why an appreciation of eroticism is important

2009-10-14T00:54:00.000-07:00

Our ability to become sexually aroused through an appreciation of eroticism is a normal as well as a necessary part of human sexuality. Sex (male arousal and orgasm in particular) leads to family and yet hypocritically, while family is encouraged, sex remains taboo.
Men learn about orgasm through masturbation. As young boys (pre-teens) they explore their arousal because an erect penis is difficult to ignore. Women do not experience spontaneous sexual arousal through erections and so they have no similar reason to explore how their genitals might react to stimulation through female masturbation.
Many women like to think of sex in terms of ‘making love’ to someone they love. So they are often shocked by eroticism but this shows a lack of understanding about the nature of sexual pleasure. After all, our enjoyment of eroticism is at the heart of our sexuality.
Women are often blissfully unaware that men masturbate regularly throughout their lives. Men cover up the strength of their sexual urges because women can sometimes be insensitive about men’s passion for sex. The daily sales of pornographic magazines are a clue. Of course, men have a higher sex drive but also they enjoy their own sexual arousal and orgasm.
Women, who masturbate, enjoy their own sexual arousal and orgasm in much the same way. They use sexual fantasies (based on their appreciation of eroticism) to bring their sexual arousal to orgasm through genital stimulation (of the clitoris).
Women who have never masturbated do not understand this. The vast majority of women are disgusted by eroticism. They never discover their own sexual arousal so they cannot understand why anyone would ever want to stimulate their genitals.
Many of these women suggest that orgasm happens naturally during sex without making any conscious efforts to engage on their own sexual arousal either mental or physical. This defies common sense and yet no one questions these assertions.
“Unlike a boy’s very obvious penis, which he knows is pleasurable to touch and fondle, a girl’s genitals are hidden, mysterious, remote. I find it remarkable (and disturbing) that many women have never used a mirror to see what their genitals look like and to find out where their clitoris is.” (p106 EveryMan 1980)
If men learn about how their sexual arousal works through masturbation, how does it make sense that women experience orgasm as men do but without any learning process at all? Everyone thinks it is so natural that all men masturbate but that female masturbation has no similar role for women.
Women who do not masturbate for pleasure will assure me that they have an idyllic sexual relationship with their partner. I think that’s great but I often wonder what the men think. Men do not see sex purely in terms of family or ‘making love’. Men also want to enjoy sexual pleasure with a partner.
I have never found any pornography I have seen (magazines or film) offensive. I focus on the men rather that the women but I never think that the women’s bodies are ‘dirty’ or that sex makes the women ‘bad’ in some way. So I have always enjoyed exploring eroticism both alone and with a partner.
If the average woman was more tuned into eroticism and open to exploring sexual activity with a partner then fewer men would be looking for sex with a prostitute.

How a woman can learn how to masturbate

2009-10-14T00:50:00.000-07:00

If a woman is open-minded to the idea of exploring eroticism, she should start by reading some erotic literature. If she has liberated friends it may be worth getting some recommendations. I suggest:
‘Emmanuelle’ by Emmanuelle Arsan: relates the sexual adventures of young women;
‘The Happy Hooker’ by Xaviera Hollander: describes the author’s experiences of pleasuring men as a high-class prostitute and the madam of a brothel; and
‘The Story of O’ by Pauline Reage: describes a fantasy castle setting where men use women for their pleasure (includes sadism). Remember not to judge – this is fantasy!
I read these books while still a teenager and I am confident that any heterosexual woman should be able to enjoy at least some of the explicitly sexual scenarios.
Remember that the key focus is not your body or what you are doing with it but what is happening in your mind. Physical stimulation helps to bring your mental state of sexual arousal to orgasm. So if you are not mentally turned on then don’t even start on physical stimulation of any kind because there’s no point.
Women who spend most of their lives in a long-term relationship (e.g. marriage) often never learn how to masturbate. Since men’s sexual pleasure is so much more easily achieved, a sexual relationship tends to revolve around male orgasm. I found that, once I had a man in my bed, any suggestion of enjoying my own orgasm through female masturbation alone, led all too easily to my partner wanting to orgasm through sex.
A man needs to allow his woman privacy and to avoid interrogating her afterwards. To enjoy our own sexual arousal we need to feel free to explore our sexual fantasies. This is difficult if we think we may have to justify them to someone else later. Just think how you would feel!
Read these books in private; preferably when the house is empty. After reading a book, return to the sections that you found most arousing. Enjoy reading these and imagining yourself in the title role. Then spend some private time perhaps on the bed gently touching your clitoral/vulva area while reading the most arousing passages or while re-living them in your mind.
“To masturbate, fantasizing, or getting into an aroused state mentally is important. Also, for me, being alone is important. I use the tips of my fingers for actual stimulation, but it’s better to start with patting motions or light rubbing motions over the general area.” (p81 The Hite Report 1976)
Find a comfortable position (different women masturbate in different positions) and explore different ways of gently stimulating your pubic area (vulva and over the clitoral hood). Women use a pillow, or other object or just their fingers. When I first learned how to masturbate, I would rub my vulva through my underwear. Later I found that I enjoyed more focused clitoral stimulation by using my fingers directly on the skin.
If all else fails then buy a vibrator from a sex store. Take a look at the female-friendly websites: www.BabelandNY.com for the US or the Canada based www.BittenLip.com.
The women who replied to Shere Hite’s questionnaire in 1976 described their experience of female masturbation as follows:
73% – stimulate their clitoral/vulva area with hand while lying on their back
5.5% – stimulate their clitoral/vulva area with hand while lying on their front
4% – press their clitoral/vulva area against a soft object e.g. pillow
3% – press thighs together rhythmically
1.5% – water massage of clitoral/vulva area
11% – women who masturbate in more than one of above ways
So once again, I’m a freak – well in the 5% category! Why be like everyone else? Women are most usually depicted masturbating on their backs. This makes sense because the audience can then see what she is doing. So, is it that most women say they masturbate on their backs because they do or is it that they imagine that this is how a woman should masturbate? My mind is open either way.

Applying orgasm techniques to sex

2009-10-14T00:46:00.000-07:00

Caroline lived on a farm as a child and was fortunate in having innocent and light-hearted sexual experiences as she grew up. Even as kids they would play the ‘I’ll show you mine if you show me yours’ games on the long bus ride to school.
Her mother insisted that Caroline went on the pill at sixteen. She was not bothered about the sex. She simply wanted Caroline to be in a position to avoid getting pregnant. Caroline had her first serious relationship soon after. The sex was adventurous and great fun.
When they split up, Caroline decided to find out about female masturbation to fill the sexual void. She discovered orgasm for the first time. Young women often don’t know how to orgasm and unfortunately sex advice for women is often misleading. The only sure way to find out about orgasm is to try female masturbation.
When Caroline went back to sex with men, she found it relatively easy to adapt her orgasm techniques so that she could masturbate in the presence of a lover. She did not always declare her use of sexual fantasies to her lovers and some men were not happy for her to masturbate. They insisted that they had to give her an orgasm. On these occasions, Caroline simply accepted sex without orgasm.
“The women who had orgasm during intercourse were usually those who, in a sense, did it themselves. They did not expect to ‘receive’ orgasm automatically from the thrusting of the partner.” (p51 The Hite Reports 1993)
Caroline travelled a great deal, working as a fashion model in Europe, the US and South America among other places. In the space of a few years Caroline had many lovers (she mentioned the figure 80). Many of these were one-night-stands. She simply thought the whole thing was a laugh. As she remembered some of the more outrageous experiences, she giggled. I asked her whether she had been worried about sexual disease. Caroline admitted that she had taken stupid risks but she had been lucky.
Some women enjoy sexual promiscuity
It reminded me of the scene from the film ‘Four Weddings and a Funeral’ where Andy MacDowell enumerates her lovers. Hugh Grant, who had previously thought of himself as a bit of a playboy, is completely deflated by the time she gets to 32 because he had “nothing like that many” girlfriends himself. Andy MacDowell explains that she “grew up in the country – lots of rolling around in haystacks”.
Caroline had sex with men for the fun of it. It was not about orgasm; it was sexual ego. A man’s sexual arousal can be very flattering and Caroline liked the fact that they wanted to have sex with her. She felt that she was the one manipulating them. It seemed quite callous to me but then I have always been a bit square. Plenty of men screw women with shallow intentions. I guess it makes sense that women do the same.
Caroline thought it was sweet that I had only had three lovers. I was never really interested in the ego trip of casual sex. I had romantic notions of love and friendship. As far as sex was concerned, being my partner’s lover and pleasuring him was how I showed my love for him.
Caroline married at 23 and has been faithful to her husband. When I talked to her she was a mother of four in her late thirties. She admitted that sex had become more of a duty over time as her priorities changed to focus on the children. Caroline was very fortunate; other women may find that transferring orgasm techniques to sex is not so straightforward because their sexual fantasies are more suitable for use alone than with a partner. Many women have to learn to accept enjoying physical intimacy rather than orgasm during sex with a partner.

Men's sexual fantasies

2009-10-14T00:41:00.000-07:00

In pursuit of knowledge and understanding of sexual arousal, I went to a large newsagent in London’s Oxford Street to review the covers of fifty or more pornographic magazines, which were lined up along the top shelf. Over 90% were directed towards heterosexual men. Most of the remainder was male homosexual pornography. The very few pornographic magazines for women were for lesbians.
The British magazine ‘Men’s Health’ (March 2000) refers to men’s ‘secret porn stash’. Men’s sexual arousal is usually easy and men buy visual pornography because they need some mechanism (in the absence of the real thing) in order to release the sexual frustration caused by their daily arousal.
“After thinking about sex every six seconds for six days, men are beginning to need to do something about it.” (p15 Bluffer’s Guide to Men 1998)
Younger men can make do with masturbation for some days but eventually (usually by the weekend!) they want to engage on some real action. If men were happy to use masturbation indefinitely as a substitute for sex then there really would be a chance that the human race could die out! It also makes sense that men may find thrusting during penetrative sex to be the most satisfying way of releasing their sexual emotions simply because nature intended it that way.
Men’s sexual fantasies map onto reality more easily than women’s
Perhaps it is worth stating the obvious that men do not reach orgasm simply through looking at images of the female form. In their minds, they also need to contemplate what they would like to be doing with a sexual partner.
Men have a much easier time, than women typically do, of transferring orgasm techniques to sex with a partner. On the physical side, the vagina may not grip the penis as firmly as a hand but the penis is still directly stimulated. Equally men’s sexual fantasies map fairly easily onto a real-life sexual encounter. Instead of looking at pictures of naked women, a man now has the real thing in front of him.
“Reality and fantasy are further apart for women than for men …” (p179 Satisfaction Guaranteed 1996)
Initially, the turn-on of a new sexual partner is enough for a man to reach orgasm without any further assistance. However, over time men also use sexual fantasies to help them through more routine sex with a partner by visualising more adventurous sexual episodes.
“ … people who report most guilt about having fantasies during intercourse have higher levels of sexual dissatisfaction and dysfunction than those who are relatively guilt-free.” (p417 Human Sexuality (fifth edition) 1995)

Sex and love

2009-10-14T00:35:00.000-07:00

A BBC documentary ‘The Human Body’ presented by Dr Robert Winston films a sex education class.
The teacher, after writing up the word ‘SEX’ in large letters on the blackboard, asks the teenagers to suggest other words associated with sex. Some time later, the teacher asks the class for the one word that is missing and, after a pause, writes the word ‘LOVE’ on the board.
Despite modern contraception, sex still involves the risk of pregnancy, sexual disease and considerable emotional turmoil (!). So we promote the link between sex and love to ensure that young people understand the responsibilities associated with a sexual relationship.
A girl of sixteen came out to the South of France one summer. On her first night she met an Australian whose self-confessed ambition was to lay every woman in the resort. She fell for his chat and blond good looks and lost her virginity. The next day he moved on (mission accomplished so to speak) and she was devastated.
Fathers are protective of their daughters for this very reason. They know that sex drive causes a young man to be highly focused on his own orgasm and that any idea of a relationship is likely to be the last thing on his mind. Since a woman does not get the same easy pleasure from sex, she offers a man short-term pleasure in the hope of longer-term companionship, mutual support and family (or a sense of belonging), sometimes referred to as ‘commitment’.
If young women are hoping for more than a ‘one night stand’ then they are best advised to make a man wait (at least a date or two) for sex. It won’t do a man any lasting harm to wait and if he is interested in you as a person then he will be willing to allow time for trust and respect to develop.
Casual sex is usually about the ego trip
In the long run, most of us find that having sex with someone we know and love adds something special to the experience. But that does not mean that sex and love are the same thing. Sex is raunchy, exhilarating, orgasmic and fun. Love is caring and nurturing. The two can go together or side-by-side but they are different. Women’s sexual expectations in our society are often confused with softer images of love and romance.
Sex education for teenagers (especially girls) should cover not only the reproductive facts but also how they can enjoy a sexual relationship. Most women who experience orgasm do so through masturbation or oral sex. Telling teenagers to limit their sexual experiences to intercourse makes it less likely that a woman might learn how to enjoy her own orgasm. Vaginal intercourse may lead to family but it was never intended to facilitate female orgasm, either physically or psychologically.
“In some cases, it was not even clear to the woman herself whether there had been an orgasm or merely high levels of arousal.” (p199 The Hite Report 1976)
Not every woman is attracted to eroticism and so many women miss out on the sexual fantasies that lead to women’s sexual arousal and orgasm. Shere Hite referred to women’s experience of heightened arousal as ‘emotional orgasms’ to differentiate them from real female orgasms. Perhaps the term ‘emotional orgasm’ is unhelpful.
Another way of differentiating between women’s experience of orgasm is by asking about the impact of the relationship. Some women explain their experience of orgasm through their relationship and the idea that their partner finds them sexually attractive. Many women never learn to explore their sexuality either through masturbation or through activities other than sexual intercourse and so they miss out on enjoying sexual pleasure and their own sexual arousal and orgasm.
A woman who enjoys orgasm through masturbation can enjoy orgasm quite separately from her relationship because her sexual psychology is driven through sexual fantasies. Each of these experiences is no better than the other but simply different.

Orgasm techniques women use to reach orgasm

2009-10-14T00:27:00.000-07:00

I’m sure that men will understand the point. We express our sexuality through two basic phenomena:
Firstly, enjoying our own psychological arousal through an appreciation of eroticism; and
Secondly, bringing that sexual arousal to orgasm by physical stimulation of the penis/clitoris.
Yet many women are shocked by eroticism (whether visual or verbal pornography, erotica or the concept of sexual fantasy) and equally shocked by the idea of explicit clitoral stimulation (either female masturbation or oral sex – cunnilingus). So how is it that they reach orgasm by any means?
Of the women who responded to Shere Hite’s questionnaires, 82% said that they masturbated. But I have found very few women who masturbate. Most are shocked by even the suggestion that women are interested in activities as sexually explicit as clitoral stimulation or masturbation.
The fact is that Shere Hite was asking detailed questions about how women reach orgasm. Of course the women who responded to her surveys had often masturbated because it is only through female masturbation that a woman can be confident enough to answer detailed questions about orgasm.
One of the failings of surveys is that they ask general questions like: Do you masturbate? Any woman who has ever put her hands anywhere near her genitals can claim to have masturbated. In fact, masturbation is an adult activity that involves bringing a person’s state of psychological arousal to orgasm through genital stimulation. Many women do not understand this basic concept of sexuality.
Most women are unaware of the need for orgasm techniques
As a woman who has questioned a lack of female orgasm during sex, I am told that other women find orgasm easy. The trouble is that the facts stand against this claim since we know that the clitoral stimulation provided by vaginal intercourse is insufficient for a woman to reach orgasm.
Women whose sexual experiences are based purely on sex with a partner, often interpret their experiences in the light of emotional criteria. They are confused by other women’s questions about orgasm because they think it is easily achieved. They believe that all you have to do is to have loving feelings for your partner and then you reach orgasm the first time and every time from vaginal intercourse.
BUT we are mixing apples with pears here.
Women who do not appreciate eroticism, do not explore their sexual fantasies, do not masturbate and think that vaginal intercourse is the only acceptable sexual activity are unlikely to be able to advise women who, having explored their sexual arousal both alone and with a partner through a variety of activities, question a lack of orgasm during sex.
There is nothing wrong with a woman who interprets her sexual experiences in the light of emotional criteria but what happens when those initial feelings of passion and romance disappear? If men want sex for life then they need to identify a woman who has an appreciation of eroticism.
A woman, who can masturbate to orgasm, may advise other women to learn how to masturbate because masturbation is the starting point for understanding our own sexual arousal and how to achieve orgasm. Many of these women might hope that they will learn one day how to do the same with a partner but this is very different to saying that it is easy to achieve.

Why do so few women comment on sexual pleasure?

2009-10-14T00:23:00.000-07:00

I am not so crazy as to approach just any random woman on the subject of sex. I know that most women will be irreversibly offended even at the mention of sex. So I choose women who appear to be fairly modern or liberated and then I approach the subject tangentially.
Of the women that I have been brave enough to approach, the vast majority have deliberately shunned me. It is this reaction, almost of fear, that so many women have to the word ’sex’ that causes me to question the assertion that women are just as enthusiastic about sex as men are.
To date, not one woman has said “Wow, aren’t you brave! I would love the opportunity to compare notes. Please feel free to ask me any questions you want to.” Let’s face it, openness about sex is much more difficult for women because of misunderstanding about female sexuality.
Of the few women who have been willing to discuss their sexual experiences, only a couple have talked about easy orgasm. See Some women never tune into eroticism and Bluffers, fakers and sex surveys. Both women talked about sex in terms of their relationship. One was openly unappreciative of eroticism and the other was dismissive of female masturbation.
The popular belief is that women need do nothing other than be on the receiving end of male thrusting to enjoy sex fully. So although the average woman is shocked by the idea of sexual fantasies and never masturbates, we still assume that she experiences sexual arousal and orgasm during sex. How can this logically be?
Although everyone assumes that women enjoy sex as much as men, the fact is that relatively few women ever comment on sex. Most women say nothing, which hardly indicates open enthusiasm. I am challenging women who say that orgasm with a partner is easy, not only because their experience does not tally with the known facts but also because they are contributing towards the continuing misunderstanding of female sexuality.
The fact is that women do not experience spontaneous sexual arousal as men do. This explains why most women do not masturbate and why women often interpret their sexual experiences in terms of their relationship. The sensations arising from a woman’s loving emotions may be very pleasant but it is not likely that they equate to the phenomenon that men call orgasm.
The idea that female orgasm is achieved through emotional feelings is misleading because:
When these women claim to orgasm easily during sex, women who are asking about lack of orgasm with a partner assume that we are all talking about the same experience; and
Unfortunately emotional passion tends to wane over the longer-term and men, hoping for an active sex life, have difficulty understanding why women are no longer interested in sex.
There seems to be a surprising amount of resistance to asking women to account for their sexual experiences. I simply want to get a more open discussion of the facts so that we can be sure that we are all talking about the same kind of experiences.
I am taking all the risk and yet other people are so easily defensive. Surely it is in all our interests to improve our understanding of the facts? I have legitimate questions and I am looking for answers in a society that claims to support rational explanations.

Emotional intimacy may lead to physical intimacy

2009-10-14T00:22:00.000-07:00

Sex does not stand on its own in a relationship and in long-term sexual relationships, a couple will need to invest in their wider relationship. The candle-lit dinners, soft music and flowers we tend to associate with romance provide the backdrop for the companionable aspects of the relationship. Emotional intimacy involves spending intimate time together by talking over dinner, while taking a walk or as you prepare a meal together.
“Women need to feel a degree of sexual intimacy before sex becomes desirable… For women, intimacy sometimes results in sex; for men, sex sometimes results in intimacy.” (p15 Bluffer’s Guide to Women 1998)
Men may have sex constantly on the brain but a woman’s mind does not tend to dwell on her genitals (or anyone else’s!) during the course of a normal day. The result is that women’s sexual arousal is not automatic in the way that men’s tends to be. How to get laid: you need to lead up to sex by creating an environment that will lead to emotional and physical intimacy and hopefully sex.
Men are not a sexual commodity in the way that women can be to men. So, for example, we don’t refer to men as blondes or brunettes. We want a friend, a companion and, yes, a lover but someone who is interested in us as a person as much as a body.
“Above all women like men who take an interest in them.” (p29 Bluffer’s Guide to Women 1998)
Sexual relationships favour male orgasm and yet men are often reluctant to invest effort in pleasuring a woman. A woman is initially flattered when a man gets turned on by her body but over time she comes to doubt that he is devoted to her personally because his sexual frustration is so apparent. A difficult one for men but… try not to be too obvious about your own need for orgasm.
“A woman… wants more intimacy, comprising affection, commitment, and respect for individual identity… Although she knows he wants sex, she is frustrated because this seems to be the only form of intimacy he is interested in with her.” (p77 Why Men don’t get enough Sex and Women don’t get enough Love 1994)
In essence, women want to feel appreciated in a wider sense than just as a sexual partner. A woman is much more likely to be willing to pleasure her man when she feels good about the relationship in general. In the longer term, a man will also need to return the favour by ensuring that the woman receives some pampering by including a more sensual massage.

How to pleasure a man

2009-10-13T03:34:00.000-07:00

Tracy Cox (author of ‘Hot Sex’) tells a story of a woman who welcomes her partner home from work wearing a sexy nightdress, with champagne by the bed and a pornographic movie ready in the machine. If she does this regularly and over the longer term then I take my hat off to her! Her partner is a very lucky man.
More realistically for the majority of women I suggest that such pampering to the male sex fantasy is likely to be an occasional male treat. Nevertheless, such episodes that live out men’s sexual fantasies can fuel a man’s sexual arousal and enjoyment of more ‘bread-and-butter’ style sex for some weeks.
Fantasy style sex by definition is likely to be occasional. If inventive and unusual sex happened every day of the week, it would ultimately become the norm. Nevertheless, men still hope for this ideal of everyday fantasy sex.
Having just administered a local anaesthetic prior to a minor surgical procedure, my chirpy medical consultant asked me whether I had any last requests. “Not really, just be as quick as you can!” I replied. “That’s exactly what my wife says to me!” jokes he. Men don’t want sex to be a chore that is ‘gotten over with’ as quickly as possible. Particularly, over the course of time men hope for their partner to be more engaged in sex than in the early years where they could carry the day with their own arousal.
The best female lovers learn to share eroticism
In the film ‘Ruthless People’, an older man hires a prostitute to have sex with him in the back of his car. He asks her to make as much noise as possible because his wife always lies there ‘like a gunny-sack’. The prostitute duly screams and moans so much that an onlooker (who admittedly is very stupid) mistakes the couple to be a murderer and his victim.
For men to enjoy sex they need to feed their sexual fantasies, which are most effective when based on their real sex life. Hence, men want to develop the variety, spontaneity and imagination of their relationship with a sexual partner. Men hope a lover will enhance their sexual arousal by engaging on their appreciation of eroticism and by responding appreciatively.
“It isn’t the same for the two sexes because male turn-ons are concrete, while many female turn-ons are situational and atmospheric. … You can’t of course control your turn-ons any more than he can, but it helps if a woman has some male-type object reactions, like being excited by the sight of a penis, or hairy skin, or by the man stripping, or by physical kinds of play (just as it helps if the man has some sense of atmosphere). It’s the active woman who understands his reaction while keeping her own who is the ideal lover.” (p36 The Joy of Sex 1972)
Contrary to our instincts, women are likely to make better lovers than men in the sense of being dedicated to giving their partners pleasure, whether as mistresses, prostitutes or just as adventurous girlfriends and wives. Women are able to focus wholeheartedly on pleasuring a man because they can put aside their own sexual arousal. Younger men in particular are likely to have difficulty focusing on their partner’s arousal rather than their own.
Porn movies may show women willingly pleasuring men but it’s important to recognise that they are being paid to do that. In a loving relationship if a man relies on the financial advantage (by assuming that sex is an automatic right based on his higher income) the woman will quickly feel that he is using her for sex. If a man starts out more enthusiastic about sex then, over the longer-term, he needs to be willing to invest effort in pleasuring his woman.

Male sexuality

2009-10-13T03:33:00.000-07:00

Men have to deal with sexual frustration on a daily basis so their ability to orgasm is vitally important to them. Faking illustrates how women are more concerned about keeping their partners happy or not appearing inadequate than they are interested in reaching orgasm. Otherwise, presumably they would admit their problem and try to find a solution.
“Biologically and hormonally, men are much more driven to be sexual than women are.” (p86 Mars & Venus in the Bedroom 1995)
Likewise, the debate over which body part needs to be stimulated to cause orgasm (clitoral stimulation is needed for female orgasm) arises because many women don’t know how to orgasm. It is unthinkable that a man would not know that his penis is the source of his orgasm because men tend to know how to achieve their own orgasm.
In relatively new relationships, the novelty of the experience is arousing enough for a man to reach orgasm regardless of his partner’s response. His own sexual arousal is his top priority for his sex life and he does not need to be assured of a woman’s sexual fulfilment.
“In the beginning of a relationship, sexual arousal is much more automatic and quick for a man.” (p15 Mars & Venus in the Bedroom 1995)
Later on, sexual arousal is no longer as automatic so a man needs to build some variety and sexual fantasies around what can become a repetitive act within long-term sexual relationships. The man now looks for a more involved sexual partner who knows how to pleasure a man by engaging on his sexual fantasies and sexual arousal.
“The bottom line of what makes sex fulfilling and memorable for a man is a woman’s fulfilment. When a man is successful in fulfilling her, he feels most fulfilled.” (p70 Mars & Venus in the Bedroom 1995)
Men want to hold onto their sexual fantasies
Men tend to be so absorbed in their own sexual arousal and need for orgasm that they are usually quite oblivious to how women feel. Men have difficulty empathising with the female perspective for a variety of reasons:
They want to hold on to their sexual fantasies
They fear losing out on opportunities to have sex
We often hold men responsible for women’s sexual arousal and men are pressured by feeling inadequate
They are led to expect that a woman should keep a man happy in bed
“Men’s illusions about women are long on fantasy and short on reality and are often based on male-oriented published material … These media stereotypes become the stuff of male fantasy, even, though as any woman knows, they bear little resemblance to the vast majority of real women either emotionally or sexually. … Of course, the more experience a man has with women in the real world, the more clearly he realises how inaccurate the media and locker-room stereotypes are. He continues to hold on to his illusions, however, because he lacks anything more reliable with which to replace them.” (p79 How Men can get more Sex and Women can get more Love 1994)

Women have to learn about their sexual arousal

2009-10-13T03:32:00.000-07:00

Some women appear to be so sheltered from the world of adult eroticism that one wonders if they have ever experienced sexual urges of any kind. The fact is that even today some women never tune into eroticism and never gain an appreciation of their own sexual arousal because women’s sexual arousal and orgasm is not automatic.
Nancy, a recently widowed woman in her seventies became acquainted with John, a man of the same age, during a stay in hospital. On the grounds of friendship, they met once for lunch and then Nancy invited him to her house. On admitting John to her home, he took the sexual initiative by giving her a tongue-in-mouth French kiss.
Nancy contained her revulsion at the uninvited physical intimacy until John left but resolved that she would never see him again. Nancy told me that even her husband of fifty years had never kissed her ‘like that’. Men never seem to lose their enjoyment of physical intimacy with the opposite sex whereas women do not necessarily appreciate the physical side of sexual encounters at all.
“Sex is the price women pay for marriage. Marriage is the price men pay for sex.” (p92 Why Women can’t read Maps 1999)
Women should be encouraged to hope for sexual pleasure
On the other hand Nancy has already had her chance in life. As a teenager in the early 1940’s, she was sheltered by her family and society from any knowledge of sexual pleasure. Young women were simply not equipped to know how to respond to their lover in bed. This was a sad loss for Nancy as well as for her husband. Sex and love are often confused for women and, even today, many people believe that knowledge of sexual pleasure is ‘inappropriate’ for respectable women.
Marriage is not just about family; it also involves a man and a woman being companions and hopefully lovers for life. Today there is no reason for sheltering young women from eroticism. Teenage girls should be told how couples can enjoy sex for life. Knowledge does not force a person to make certain choices – it gives them a choice.
Men today have alternatives to marriage as much as women. Not every woman is attracted to eroticism but it is no longer sufficient for a woman to simply ‘put up with’ sex. She needs to know how to enjoy a sexual relationship beyond the early years if she is to keep a family together. Equally we need to change attitudes so that men appreciate the effort that women make in sex.
Sex has existed for eons and yet it is often asserted that women’s sexuality has changed over recent decades. Changing attitudes and providing information can only encourage women to make the most of their innate sexuality. Whatever the fashion, all women have essentially the same fundamental sexual responses and these are quite different to men’s.
The sexuality that some young women display today is no different to the past except society then was not so admiring of women who behaved in a sexually provocative manner. Since young women often don’t know how to orgasm it seems less likely that women who engage in casual sex are enjoying sexual pleasure.
In any event, it is worth questioning the value of a relationship for either side that starts by bartering sex for a meal or a couple of drinks. The film ‘Doc Hollywood’ makes the point well that young women should consider holding back a little and testing out whether a man is interested in them as a person or simply on getting into their knickers.
Long-term relationships are not only about sex but also about enjoying each other’s company over many years.

Sexual fact versus sexual fantasy

2009-10-13T03:31:00.002-07:00

Imagine the scenario: a woman, wearing a skirt and no panties, climbs a ladder. A man below enjoys a clear view of her genitals. Imagine now that the genders are reversed: my point is that a woman is unlikely to appreciate the view in the same way that a man does.
Of course, someone is always ready to disagree. A man said: “It depends from woman to woman, because if they want a quickie they like to take a look at your nakedness. “Drop your pants” was an order I got from a girlfriend once in Brisbane who was a Buddhist, when she saw the size of me she stripped and said ‘try to satisfy me – you are very big’ and I did. Second time I got that order was before I married in Tagbilaran. My now wife laid down and said: ”Let’s see how big you are – the bigger the better”, that was before we got married and she went mad for me.”
Men seem to think that women were born yesterday. Of course, an accomplished female lover appreciates how much of a turn-on it is for a man if a woman has the same kind of sexual reactions that men have. It is also a well known fact that women fake orgasm with a partner.
Women can enjoy many aspects of physical intimacy with a lover but we are not automatically aroused, the way men are, because our bodies are not full of the sex hormone, testosterone. Equally, we don’t get a hard-on (clitoral erection) by looking at male nudity: even the body and genitals of our partner. Otherwise women would pay for sex and the sight of the male body more than they do. No doubt there are women who pay for a male lap- or pole-dancer but, I think we all know, most would not.
If we are to accept the facts of female sexuality, we need to leave the sexual fantasy and look around the real world. Men may be able to imagine that sexually attractive young women (under the age of 35) are always on the brink of orgasm. But what about other women?
Do we think that a stunning man enjoys sex more or is more sexually driven than an ugly man? No. Even if a man is middle-aged, ugly, pigeon-chested or has a pot-belly, we know that he is just as likely to masturbate or pay for sex as the next guy. Similarly we know that, regardless of her looks, very few heterosexual women masturbate and almost none pay for sex.
Logic tells us that heterosexual women’s sexuality is the same whatever the age or attractiveness of the woman. The rest is just part of the sexual game that men fall for. After all, men and women play for different stakes – who pays the bill, for example?
Some people believe the sexual fantasy regardless of the evidence: “I must shake my head in wonder as to what women you have spent time with (or possibly they are VERY, very, young women who have not yet discovered their own sexuality). An older woman, say 30 to 55, is easily aroused. A well built man on a beach can absolutely stimulate a woman without her knowing him. Women are quite willing to ‘act like a whore’ in the bedroom and enjoy it, and as well they should, to the fullest.”
Women who take on a pro-active sexual role are described as acting ‘like a whore’ precisely because not every woman behaves in this way. There is no equivalent term for men (very few heterosexual men are paid for sex) because men are generally assumed to be enthusiastic about sex whatever the circumstances.
Remember ‘whores’ only offer sex in return for payment so their sexual ‘enthusiasm’ does not come naturally but has been paid for. Prostitution involves providing male sexual pleasure. Funnily enough, women rarely pay for sex. Most women are more concerned about commitment and trust than about orgasm.
Presumably this is why is it so often suggested that women’s sexual arousal depends on her relationship with a lover or on the love-making skills of a particular lover. Whereas men can have sex with anyone, even a prostitute, as long as they find her attractive and they still manage to enjoy it.
Men have much stronger sexual urges than women so men masturbate regularly from a young age (pre-teens). Men also enjoy sex with a stranger or sexual pleasure through pornography, pole-dancing/lap-dancing bars etc. because they need sex regardless of whether they are in a relationship. Also for many men, the only way they can enjoy the delights of oral sex, for example, is by paying because most wives and girlfriends are not willing to engage on such explicitly sexual activities.