Understanding women's sexual arousal

Men know what orgasm is from a young age but many women never discover orgasm. They have no way of knowing what orgasm is or how to achieve it – either alone or with a partner.
One woman appreciated for the first time what orgasm was when she learned how to masturbate at the age of 28. She had always assumed that she experienced orgasm during sex but, in fact, she never had (see How to use a vibrator to discover orgasm).
It is difficult for men to appreciate that women do not have the same level of familiarity with their own sexual arousal and orgasm that men do. Women are certainly capable of orgasm but it does not happen spontaneously. Women have to learn how to orgasm.
Women today are told that female orgasm occurs naturally during sex so even sexually experienced women assume that they orgasm during sex when they don’t. Consequently, there are women out there quite innocently misleading others about how easy it all is.
I am trying to highlight that the aversion that many women have to eroticism actually prevents younger women learning to enjoy how to orgasm. Equally the fact that so many women believe that vaginal intercourse is the only proper sexual activity, means that women may never learn how they can enjoy true sexual arousal with a lover.
Women’s lack of appreciation of eroticism means that they often completely miss the point of sexual pleasure. They have no experience of enjoying true sexual arousal, which starts when the mind tunes into sexual fantasies and leads to orgasm through clitoral stimulation.
Very few women masturbate regularly as an adult activity in order to reach orgasm. Many women explain their sexual arousal in terms of their relationship and so they never understand why anyone would masturbate. Most women who claim to orgasm with a partner are talking about emotional sensations.
Women who learn to enjoy orgasm from female masturbation use sexual fantasies based on highly explicit sexual scenarios. These orgasms involve a release of sexual feelings. They are not necessarily any better than the ‘emotional orgasms’ women get from their loving feelings – they are simply different.
It’s important not to be judgmental about other people’s sexual experiences. But it can be misleading when we try to compare different women’s explanations for orgasm because we are not necessarily talking about the same thing. An orgasm, in the sense that men would probably understand the term, involves a release of sexual feelings not loving feelings.
It must be difficult for a man to understand how different it is for a woman. We rarely experience erections and even if we do, we are much less conscious of them. The clitoris may have millions of nerve endings but we do not experience sexual arousal as easily as men do. So a woman enjoys emotional feelings from kissing but not a true hard on as men do.
In case you doubt how common it is for women to have difficulty with orgasm during sex, just take a look at the thousands of articles on the web offering advice on this very topic! Of course, these articles always promise ‘easy orgasms’, ‘multiple orgasms’ or ‘mind-blowing orgasms’ just so couples don’t give up trying!
There is not even one article promising men easy orgasm because male orgasm is most usually a given.