How to pleasure a man

Tracy Cox (author of ‘Hot Sex’) tells a story of a woman who welcomes her partner home from work wearing a sexy nightdress, with champagne by the bed and a pornographic movie ready in the machine. If she does this regularly and over the longer term then I take my hat off to her! Her partner is a very lucky man.
More realistically for the majority of women I suggest that such pampering to the male sex fantasy is likely to be an occasional male treat. Nevertheless, such episodes that live out men’s sexual fantasies can fuel a man’s sexual arousal and enjoyment of more ‘bread-and-butter’ style sex for some weeks.
Fantasy style sex by definition is likely to be occasional. If inventive and unusual sex happened every day of the week, it would ultimately become the norm. Nevertheless, men still hope for this ideal of everyday fantasy sex.
Having just administered a local anaesthetic prior to a minor surgical procedure, my chirpy medical consultant asked me whether I had any last requests. “Not really, just be as quick as you can!” I replied. “That’s exactly what my wife says to me!” jokes he. Men don’t want sex to be a chore that is ‘gotten over with’ as quickly as possible. Particularly, over the course of time men hope for their partner to be more engaged in sex than in the early years where they could carry the day with their own arousal.
The best female lovers learn to share eroticism
In the film ‘Ruthless People’, an older man hires a prostitute to have sex with him in the back of his car. He asks her to make as much noise as possible because his wife always lies there ‘like a gunny-sack’. The prostitute duly screams and moans so much that an onlooker (who admittedly is very stupid) mistakes the couple to be a murderer and his victim.
For men to enjoy sex they need to feed their sexual fantasies, which are most effective when based on their real sex life. Hence, men want to develop the variety, spontaneity and imagination of their relationship with a sexual partner. Men hope a lover will enhance their sexual arousal by engaging on their appreciation of eroticism and by responding appreciatively.
“It isn’t the same for the two sexes because male turn-ons are concrete, while many female turn-ons are situational and atmospheric. … You can’t of course control your turn-ons any more than he can, but it helps if a woman has some male-type object reactions, like being excited by the sight of a penis, or hairy skin, or by the man stripping, or by physical kinds of play (just as it helps if the man has some sense of atmosphere). It’s the active woman who understands his reaction while keeping her own who is the ideal lover.” (p36 The Joy of Sex 1972)
Contrary to our instincts, women are likely to make better lovers than men in the sense of being dedicated to giving their partners pleasure, whether as mistresses, prostitutes or just as adventurous girlfriends and wives. Women are able to focus wholeheartedly on pleasuring a man because they can put aside their own sexual arousal. Younger men in particular are likely to have difficulty focusing on their partner’s arousal rather than their own.
Porn movies may show women willingly pleasuring men but it’s important to recognise that they are being paid to do that. In a loving relationship if a man relies on the financial advantage (by assuming that sex is an automatic right based on his higher income) the woman will quickly feel that he is using her for sex. If a man starts out more enthusiastic about sex then, over the longer-term, he needs to be willing to invest effort in pleasuring his woman.

Bluffers, Fakers and Sex Surveys

Pam, an attractive woman in her late forties, told me that she had never had a problem with sexual arousal and orgasm. She started masturbating at the age of eight and after thirty years with the same man, she was still enjoying orgasmic sex as she had done from day one.

Women’s sexual arousal and orgasm is not automatic for reasons of anatomy if nothing else - the clitoris is not directly stimulated during intercourse. So it is difficult to know how to respond to someone who suggests that fantasy sex is a reality for them. The implication is that the rest of us have gone badly wrong somewhere!

In an attempt to identify some specifics of her sexual experiences, I asked Pam when she experienced orgasm. She replied that the timing of her orgasm was ‘a moving feast’ and that she could orgasm before, during or after intercourse.

“Even Sharon Stone admits that she did women a disservice in ‘Basic Instinct’ by suggesting that they could reach an orgasm in about 30 seconds flat. This is just not how the female body works, and anyone who suggests otherwise is either a good actress, deluded or blessed by the gods.” (p17 Bluffer’s Guide to Women 1998)

Are these women bluffing or are they just incredibly lucky? If this approach works for you then definitely stick with it!

Fantasy sex where orgasms just happen

I was interested to find out some more details in order to find parallels with other women’s experiences. However, Pam replied that sex was not a subject that could be analysed. She suggested that orgasms just happened naturally, flowing from the passion of the sexual act.

Unfortunately, people get away with claiming complete nonsense about sex just because no one challenges the common sense of their assertions. For example, eight-year-old girls may touch their genitals innocently but this is very different to the kind of adult sexual activity that leads to orgasm. As many women never experience real female orgasms they can bluff and be bluffed surprisingly easily.

I asked Pam whether she had continued to masturbate. She replied that masturbation was ‘but a sneeze’ compared with the orgasms she enjoyed with her partner. Men continue to masturbate throughout their lives but women often imply that the emotional rewards of a sexual relationship replace any need to masturbate.

We all draw different conclusions from interpreting our sexual experiences. After thirty years in a relationship, Pam told me that she could not recall even one serious argument. She and her partner bickered endlessly about trivial matters but had never fallen out over anything serious (even though they had raised children together).

This experience is so different from my own, or that of other couples I have observed, that it is easy to react cynically. Perhaps Pam’s idea of bickering was my idea of a full-scale war. However, let’s be generous and allow that anything is possible, even the ‘perfect’ match. One explanation for this anomaly could be that the couple place few demands on each other.

Presumably, for a fortunate few, the erotic stories describing the overwhelming sexual arousal that fictional women have from vaginal penetration are a reality. For the rest of us these stories remain in the realm of fiction – frankly unachievable.

By Jane Thomas author of http://www.WaysWomenOrgasm.org and http://www.Nosper.com