Men are fascinated by sex

When I was seeing Bruce, a sexual psychologist, Peter also went along for one session by himself. It was a rare opportunity for two men to compare notes on techniques for female sexual arousal.
Peter told Bruce how he had masturbated a woman on a transatlantic flight. He had told her about some sexual fantasy scenarios while stimulating her clitoris. Apparently, Bruce was very impressed with this story.
His interest in the story (given he was a sex professional) highlighted to me how little adventure the average person has. Real life sexual adventures appear to be particularly important to men.
A female magazine editor was amazed at the response to an article about women’s underwear. Their offices were inundated with correspondence from men interested in women’s panties. Men’s sexual arousal tends to be straightforward whereas women look for a more sophisticated sexual context.
Lonnie Barbach was disappointed when she approached several writers of erotic fiction. “‘Do you really want real experiences?’ One woman wrote. ‘Mine are awfully depressing, by and large. However, I have some fictional scenes that are quite exciting.’ Another said ‘Alas, I am sorry to say that I cannot recall any turn-on real-life experiences. I live a very bland existence. The only fun I have is with my book characters.’” (pxiv Pleasures 1984)
Men are more willing to contemplate casual sex
On a business trip to Germany, Peter’s foreign colleagues met him at the airport. As they drove into the city, they asked Peter whether he was interested in joining them for an evening visit to the brothels of the city. Men seem to think it quite natural that, whether he is married or not, a man is free to consider opportunities for sexual pleasure while he is away from home.
On another business trip to the USA, my partner was shown to his room by one of the hotel maids. As he was putting hs bags down, the maid pulled up her skirt to reveal that she was wearing no underwear. She asked if he needed any other services.
Firstly it is worth noting that if the genders were the other way around, it is likely that a female guest (unless she was extremely liberated or had a good sense of humour) would complain to the hotel about the sexually offensive behaviour of its staff.
Secondly, in offering sex without any provocation the maid must have been fairly confident that at least some men would be interested in having sex with a stranger. It would seem that men take up sexual opportunities as they arise much more readily than a woman would in the same situation.
Naturally there are always exceptions. A young woman in her late twenties told me about a girlfriend of hers. The friend regularly walks up to strange men, perhaps as many as a handful in one eveing, and without even introducing herself starts kissing the man on the mouth. I asked whether any of the men ever objected.
The woman looked at me quizzically and laughed, “What a man object to being kissed by an attractive stranger? Of course not!” It is inconceivable that a man would reject the advances of a woman and yet few women would welcome the same advances from a man even after an introduction.

Men's sexual fantasies

In pursuit of knowledge and understanding of sexual arousal, I went to a large newsagent in London’s Oxford Street to review the covers of fifty or more pornographic magazines, which were lined up along the top shelf. Over 90% were directed towards heterosexual men. Most of the remainder was male homosexual pornography. The very few pornographic magazines for women were for lesbians.
The British magazine ‘Men’s Health’ (March 2000) refers to men’s ‘secret porn stash’. Men’s sexual arousal is usually easy and men buy visual pornography because they need some mechanism (in the absence of the real thing) in order to release the sexual frustration caused by their daily arousal.
“After thinking about sex every six seconds for six days, men are beginning to need to do something about it.” (p15 Bluffer’s Guide to Men 1998)
Younger men can make do with masturbation for some days but eventually (usually by the weekend!) they want to engage on some real action. If men were happy to use masturbation indefinitely as a substitute for sex then there really would be a chance that the human race could die out! It also makes sense that men may find thrusting during penetrative sex to be the most satisfying way of releasing their sexual emotions simply because nature intended it that way.
Men’s sexual fantasies map onto reality more easily than women’s
Perhaps it is worth stating the obvious that men do not reach orgasm simply through looking at images of the female form. In their minds, they also need to contemplate what they would like to be doing with a sexual partner.
Men have a much easier time, than women typically do, of transferring orgasm techniques to sex with a partner. On the physical side, the vagina may not grip the penis as firmly as a hand but the penis is still directly stimulated. Equally men’s sexual fantasies map fairly easily onto a real-life sexual encounter. Instead of looking at pictures of naked women, a man now has the real thing in front of him.
“Reality and fantasy are further apart for women than for men …” (p179 Satisfaction Guaranteed 1996)
Initially, the turn-on of a new sexual partner is enough for a man to reach orgasm without any further assistance. However, over time men also use sexual fantasies to help them through more routine sex with a partner by visualising more adventurous sexual episodes.
“ … people who report most guilt about having fantasies during intercourse have higher levels of sexual dissatisfaction and dysfunction than those who are relatively guilt-free.” (p417 Human Sexuality (fifth edition) 1995)

How to pleasure a man

Tracy Cox (author of ‘Hot Sex’) tells a story of a woman who welcomes her partner home from work wearing a sexy nightdress, with champagne by the bed and a pornographic movie ready in the machine. If she does this regularly and over the longer term then I take my hat off to her! Her partner is a very lucky man.
More realistically for the majority of women I suggest that such pampering to the male sex fantasy is likely to be an occasional male treat. Nevertheless, such episodes that live out men’s sexual fantasies can fuel a man’s sexual arousal and enjoyment of more ‘bread-and-butter’ style sex for some weeks.
Fantasy style sex by definition is likely to be occasional. If inventive and unusual sex happened every day of the week, it would ultimately become the norm. Nevertheless, men still hope for this ideal of everyday fantasy sex.
Having just administered a local anaesthetic prior to a minor surgical procedure, my chirpy medical consultant asked me whether I had any last requests. “Not really, just be as quick as you can!” I replied. “That’s exactly what my wife says to me!” jokes he. Men don’t want sex to be a chore that is ‘gotten over with’ as quickly as possible. Particularly, over the course of time men hope for their partner to be more engaged in sex than in the early years where they could carry the day with their own arousal.
The best female lovers learn to share eroticism
In the film ‘Ruthless People’, an older man hires a prostitute to have sex with him in the back of his car. He asks her to make as much noise as possible because his wife always lies there ‘like a gunny-sack’. The prostitute duly screams and moans so much that an onlooker (who admittedly is very stupid) mistakes the couple to be a murderer and his victim.
For men to enjoy sex they need to feed their sexual fantasies, which are most effective when based on their real sex life. Hence, men want to develop the variety, spontaneity and imagination of their relationship with a sexual partner. Men hope a lover will enhance their sexual arousal by engaging on their appreciation of eroticism and by responding appreciatively.
“It isn’t the same for the two sexes because male turn-ons are concrete, while many female turn-ons are situational and atmospheric. … You can’t of course control your turn-ons any more than he can, but it helps if a woman has some male-type object reactions, like being excited by the sight of a penis, or hairy skin, or by the man stripping, or by physical kinds of play (just as it helps if the man has some sense of atmosphere). It’s the active woman who understands his reaction while keeping her own who is the ideal lover.” (p36 The Joy of Sex 1972)
Contrary to our instincts, women are likely to make better lovers than men in the sense of being dedicated to giving their partners pleasure, whether as mistresses, prostitutes or just as adventurous girlfriends and wives. Women are able to focus wholeheartedly on pleasuring a man because they can put aside their own sexual arousal. Younger men in particular are likely to have difficulty focusing on their partner’s arousal rather than their own.
Porn movies may show women willingly pleasuring men but it’s important to recognise that they are being paid to do that. In a loving relationship if a man relies on the financial advantage (by assuming that sex is an automatic right based on his higher income) the woman will quickly feel that he is using her for sex. If a man starts out more enthusiastic about sex then, over the longer-term, he needs to be willing to invest effort in pleasuring his woman.

Sexual fact versus sexual fantasy

Imagine the scenario: a woman, wearing a skirt and no panties, climbs a ladder. A man below enjoys a clear view of her genitals. Imagine now that the genders are reversed: my point is that a woman is unlikely to appreciate the view in the same way that a man does.
Of course, someone is always ready to disagree. A man said: “It depends from woman to woman, because if they want a quickie they like to take a look at your nakedness. “Drop your pants” was an order I got from a girlfriend once in Brisbane who was a Buddhist, when she saw the size of me she stripped and said ‘try to satisfy me – you are very big’ and I did. Second time I got that order was before I married in Tagbilaran. My now wife laid down and said: ”Let’s see how big you are – the bigger the better”, that was before we got married and she went mad for me.”
Men seem to think that women were born yesterday. Of course, an accomplished female lover appreciates how much of a turn-on it is for a man if a woman has the same kind of sexual reactions that men have. It is also a well known fact that women fake orgasm with a partner.
Women can enjoy many aspects of physical intimacy with a lover but we are not automatically aroused, the way men are, because our bodies are not full of the sex hormone, testosterone. Equally, we don’t get a hard-on (clitoral erection) by looking at male nudity: even the body and genitals of our partner. Otherwise women would pay for sex and the sight of the male body more than they do. No doubt there are women who pay for a male lap- or pole-dancer but, I think we all know, most would not.
If we are to accept the facts of female sexuality, we need to leave the sexual fantasy and look around the real world. Men may be able to imagine that sexually attractive young women (under the age of 35) are always on the brink of orgasm. But what about other women?
Do we think that a stunning man enjoys sex more or is more sexually driven than an ugly man? No. Even if a man is middle-aged, ugly, pigeon-chested or has a pot-belly, we know that he is just as likely to masturbate or pay for sex as the next guy. Similarly we know that, regardless of her looks, very few heterosexual women masturbate and almost none pay for sex.
Logic tells us that heterosexual women’s sexuality is the same whatever the age or attractiveness of the woman. The rest is just part of the sexual game that men fall for. After all, men and women play for different stakes – who pays the bill, for example?
Some people believe the sexual fantasy regardless of the evidence: “I must shake my head in wonder as to what women you have spent time with (or possibly they are VERY, very, young women who have not yet discovered their own sexuality). An older woman, say 30 to 55, is easily aroused. A well built man on a beach can absolutely stimulate a woman without her knowing him. Women are quite willing to ‘act like a whore’ in the bedroom and enjoy it, and as well they should, to the fullest.”
Women who take on a pro-active sexual role are described as acting ‘like a whore’ precisely because not every woman behaves in this way. There is no equivalent term for men (very few heterosexual men are paid for sex) because men are generally assumed to be enthusiastic about sex whatever the circumstances.
Remember ‘whores’ only offer sex in return for payment so their sexual ‘enthusiasm’ does not come naturally but has been paid for. Prostitution involves providing male sexual pleasure. Funnily enough, women rarely pay for sex. Most women are more concerned about commitment and trust than about orgasm.
Presumably this is why is it so often suggested that women’s sexual arousal depends on her relationship with a lover or on the love-making skills of a particular lover. Whereas men can have sex with anyone, even a prostitute, as long as they find her attractive and they still manage to enjoy it.
Men have much stronger sexual urges than women so men masturbate regularly from a young age (pre-teens). Men also enjoy sex with a stranger or sexual pleasure through pornography, pole-dancing/lap-dancing bars etc. because they need sex regardless of whether they are in a relationship. Also for many men, the only way they can enjoy the delights of oral sex, for example, is by paying because most wives and girlfriends are not willing to engage on such explicitly sexual activities.

Men Hope a Lover Will Enhance Their Sexual Arousal

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.