Female sexual pleasure is not required for successful reproduction

I have questioned my sexual experiences since the very first time I had sex. It has amazed me that more women don’t question.
We have known since the 1970’s that vaginal intercourse doesn’t provide sufficient PHYSICAL stimulation (of the clitoris) for orgasm.
My stumbling block was even more fundamental. How do women achieve the PSYCHOLOGICAL arousal needed for orgasm during sex?
Over the years, I have found very few women who seem bothered that sex is unlikely to provide female orgasm. I understand that women who never masturbate are not motivated by orgasm. I am targeting women who are familiar with orgasm from masturbation and who are interested in experiencing something similar with a partner.
Women do not become aroused enough for orgasm simply by looking at the naked male body. If we did, then we would also pay to enjoy the sight of the male body as men do through lap-dancing and pole-dancing bars. Equally, women would buy pornographic magazines (as men do) to enjoy looking at pictures of naked men.
Men learn from masturbation that their sexual arousal arises from an appreciation of pictures of naked women, especially their sexual attributes. This enables men to become easily aroused during sex with a partner.
Women learn from masturbation that their sexual arousal arises from an appreciation of eroticism, through sexual fantasies. These are complex psychological scenarios that involve the behaviour and personalities of imagined characters.
A high level of focus is needed to reach orgasm from sexual fantasies alone. Not only is it difficult to achieve the necessary focus in the presence of another person, even a lover, but such a mental block-out is frankly incompatible when ‘making love’ with a partner.
Men’s psychological arousal is almost instant partly because their bodies are full of the sex hormone, testosterone. Sex has been designed to facilitate male orgasm, which helps provide men with some of the motivation to support a family.
Women’s sexual role (during sex with a partner) remains what it always was:
To accept a man’s desire for physical intimacy as his sign of devotion to her;
To provide a man with sexual pleasure by facilitating male orgasm ; and
By appreciating a man’s love-making, to provide the emotional intimacy that motivates him to support a family.
This explains the contradiction of rape. How can an act that is supposed to be spontaneously pleasurably also inflict so much misery on women? Men are not victims of rape (through vaginal intercourse) as women are because intercourse is an act of male sexual dominance. A woman accepts this sexual subordination only once she has identified a man as a potential mate.
Female orgasm is not required for reproduction. Whether we like it or not, orgasm represents a much smaller part of the wider picture of female sexuality. Luckily women do not have a biological drive to reach orgasm (as men do) so, without an expectation for orgasm, they have nothing to miss.
Women’s modern day interest in orgasm comes from the expectations that were set during the sexual revolution. This has also increased the pressure from men who have always hoped that women might be as enthusiastic about sex as they are.

Some women do explore sexual pleasure

Slowly attitudes to sexual pleasure are changing and more couples are approaching their sex life with a willingness to try activities other than vaginal intercourse.
This brings welcome variety for men as well as the opportunity for a couple to explore whether more explicit stimulation might increase the woman’s arousal and even lead to orgasm. For example, many women who explore sexual pleasure with a partner find that oral sex is how they enjoy their best orgasms.
“There is no reason why physical intimacy with men should always consist of ‘foreplay’ followed by intercourse and male orgasm; and there is no reason why intercourse must be part of heterosexual sex.” (p34 The Hite Reports 1993)
The pre-orgasmic woman (a woman who can only orgasm during masturbation alone) faces a unique dilemma because of the difficulty she may have in trying to reconcile a sexual relationship without orgasm and her own sexual pleasure.
Presumably, with oral sex becoming more accepted, couples are content when the woman can climax in this way. However, perhaps even for these women there is a similar problem if a couple still feels that ideally orgasms should result from intercourse.
One advantage of vaginal intercourse, when combined with a face-to-face position, is that it allows for the loving aspects of sexual relationships. Equally, for many people, penetration is the greatest turn-on because it symbolises the ultimate act of intimacy with another person. Another form of sex play, that is highly taboo especially for women, is anal sex.
If a woman is open-minded and has a sensitive lover then anal stimulation/penetration combined with clitoral stimulation is likely to lead to orgasm. As with vaginal fisting, a professional lubricant from a sex shop and plenty of time to take things slowly are critical. Try Em & Lo’s book ‘The Big Bang’ on both of these.
Basically, if you are struggling with lack of sexual arousal during sex and genuinely want to share your own arousal with a partner then you will need to be prepared to explore sexual activities other than straight intercourse. This means making some special effort once in a while to spice up your sex life.
“Anal intercourse: This is something which nearly every couple tries once. A few stay with it, usually because the woman finds that it gives her more intense feelings than the normal route and it is pleasantly tight for the man.” (p118 The Joy of Sex 1972)

Why do women not always appreciate displays of male sexuality?

have never seen any reason to be embarrassed about my body. I am pretty. I have sensual skin that browns easily and a slim but curvy figure. My parents were always very open and relaxed about nudity. So when I was eighteen and had the chance to go top-less sunbathing in the South of France it all seemed very natural. Why have those bikini lines that make your breasts look like icebergs?
One day, as I was lying there on the popular pebble beach desperately trying to tan, I heard… “Just look at all those tits!” As a sailor’s voice carried across the water: the British Navy had arrived.
I looked out to sea and there was the naval ship. So I was less than surprised when half an hour later (they’re quick those boys!) my sunlight was being blocked by a very pleasant young sailor. Of course, he wanted to know all about me. It was my afternoon off and, since he was only in port for a few hours, I didn’t see much point in getting to know him. We talked and he walked me back to my apartment. Sorry, nothing happened…
Some men like to display their male sexuality by aiming sexual remarks at women. That summer I was occasionally offended by men’s appreciation for my sexual attributes. ‘Hey, you with the big tits!’ (they’re not especially big) was once shouted at me from across the road. I can’t say that I’ve ever wanted to be singled out for my tits. It’s nice to have some but how to explain to a man…
It’s the way the man shouted for all to hear. It made me feel, not like a person, but like an object to be ogled at without any sensitivity and also with the implicit knowledge that I could not retaliate by shouting something similar back. How do you make a man feel like a piece of sexual meat? female sexuality does not tend to include such vocal displays of appreciation for the sexual anatomy of the opposite sex. So it can be difficult to understand.
Imagine you had to wear your penis on your chest under your tee shirt but essentially for the whole world to see. Would you appreciate comments from women about the size of your sexual attributes? Men may feel that it can never be insulting to be big. Well as a woman you can be both too small and too big. We are all sensitive about being identified as unusually different.
So when you approach a woman and you think she is just dying to be told how big her breasts are – give it some thought. Men sometimes say that they would love any sexual compliments from women. Maybe. Just think how you would feel if a gay man picks you out for sexual compliments.
Well there’s a parallel here. Sexual remarks are all very nice when you are the one who is dishing them out. Women often don’t feel that they are in control. They are not necessarily the ones singling out the man they find attractive. Sexual compliments are only appreciated if you find the other person sexually attractive and women often take longer to decide on this point than men. Women’s sexual arousal is not driven by looking at naked images of men so we have less to gain from physical intimacy with the opposite sex.
For the most part, my experience is that male commentary is most often not intended to be offensive. I enjoy being whistled at by passing men and I always smile and wave back. Even quite recently, a passing French man made some remark I did not entirely understand “Nice arse” or similar and seemed surprised when I thanked him for the sexual compliment.
Once in informal company I used an impolite four-lettered word for a woman’s private parts. I was surprised that even in this day and age the women were shocked by the mention of such a word. Of course, the men said nothing.
I have always told my young daughters to use a five-lettered word for their sexual anatomy (beginning with ‘p’ just in case anyone is offended), which I consider to be about as rude as the word ‘willy’. I was really quite angry when our young nanny told them to use the phrase ‘front-bottom’ instead. It seems that women are insulted even when someone makes any explicit reference to their genitals.

Sharing physical intimacy with a partner

From the very early days, I appreciated the sensual aspects of sex with a partner:
The intimacy of full-on kissing
Enjoying the different feel of hairy skin
Marvelling at the responsiveness of his erection
The intimacy of nudity
The concept of penetration
I have enjoyed sharing physical intimacy with a lover but this is very different to achieving my own sexual arousal. I always knew that true sexual arousal was missing because I was familiar with orgasm from the very first time that I had sex. Very few women discover female masturbation before having sex.
As a natural part of a loving relationships, my partners have wanted to demonstrate affection by hugging, kissing and touching my body. Naturally, they have appreciated me returning a similar level of physical fondling of their body. Thereafter the follow through to intercourse and male orgasm is from their perspective an inevitable conclusion to close physical intimacy with someone they love.
I accepted this and did not withdraw my affection even though I did not personally want sex on each occasion. I have put effort into responding sensually and lovingly because I knew that it would pleasure my partner. My partner has always been quick to become noticeably aroused so learning how to pleasure a man was an easy way to demonstrate my love for him.
Men approach sex already mentally aroused and so they tend to take this aspect of sex for granted. Physical stimulation techniques only work if you are already aroused in your mind. Other women might talk about feeling horny or turned on but this is more likely to indicate that they are amenable to sex not that they are just about to orgasm.
A therapist once asked me what I found most attractive about my partner. The answer was easy: first his penis, next his face and then perhaps his voice. I’m not sure that all heterosexual women are as comfortable with admiring their partner’s genitals or even that they are familiar with their own.
One of unfortunate consequences of the sexual revolution was to imply that all of a sudden women were transformed from what they were before (presumably just ordinary women – wives, housewives and mothers) into fully motivated sexual beings.
It would be great if women did get turned on by the visual pornography that men enjoy. Sadly many women are disgusted by graphic images of sexual acts. Some couples do watch porn movies together but many women are not amenable.
Men experience spontaneous sexual arousal as a result of testosterone (the hormone responsible for sex drive) and by the sight of a woman’s body. Women have neither of these benefits. They have to consciously decide to achieve their own sexual arousal. This is where sexual fantasies come in.
Overall, I find stories are more effective than images for generating sexual fantasies and sexual arousal. Porn movies are good for getting turned on to sex with a partner but do not help me achieve orgasm during female masturbation.
I have found (post 35 when my clit has been less sensitive) that my partner can stimulate me much more effectively with his fingers. Penetration is nice, conceptually, but the vagina has few nerve endings – it is, after all, the birth canal.

Sexual promiscuity

Renate, a young student of twenty-six liked to be affectionate with her male friends but she was bewildered when they interpreted her hugs as a sexual advance.
A man tends to assume that physical intimacy is a given as soon as a woman shows any form of intimacy with him. A woman needs more time to build the trust and respect that generate the emotional intimacy that causes her to be amenable to sex with a man.
“Women associate affection with love. … Men associate affection much more directly with sex. … Men see affection of any kind as a sexual invitation. Many women find this bewildering.” (p264 Why Men don’t get enough Sex and Women don’t get enough Love 1994)
This explains in part why women can happily kiss each other, touch and go to the bathroom together without any sexual implication. It is much more difficult for men to engage in the same kind of innocent intimacy with others of the same sex because men’s intentions when seeking physical intimacy are so often sexually motivated.
One evening Renate invited some friends for supper and after the others had left, one young man simply went upstairs and got into her bed. Renate did not know how to ask him to leave and so she had sex with him. After having sex with a number of male friends at college, Renate found that even some of the men started to treat her disrespectfully.
In fact, a sexually demanding partner can be a turn-off for a man. Simply put, men prefer to be the ones chasing women rather than the other way around. Nevertheless, they are unlikely to see the contradiction in wanting their woman to be enthusiastic about sexual opportunities with them even when they know that she is less driven by sex in general.
Men are rarely called sluts
We accept men being promiscuous because of their sex drive but women do not have the same excuse. This is why we can admire James Bond’s light-hearted sexual exploits but all three women in Charlie’s Angels are engaged in committed relationships. From a male perspective it might appear that women are inhibited but the truth is that most women are naturally more selective about who they have sex with.
This is why many people believe in sheltering young women from eroticism because it is generally much more difficult for women to enjoy the same sexual pleasure that men do, especially from casual sex. Most women who learn how to orgasm with a partner do so only after many years with the same man.
Teenage girls need to be reassured that they should never feel bulldozed into sex by the popular view that sex is always easily pleasurable for women. True sexual liberation means girls having control over their own body and the confidence to hope to enjoy arousal from their sexual relationships.
In the film ‘Fifth Element’, Bruce Willis kisses the alien beauty assuming that she is unconscious. Jumping up instantly, she points a gun at him and gabbles quite unintelligibly. Later, he asks for a translation, “Not without my permission”. He smiles wryly and acknowledges, “I thought so”. Whatever taunts are thrown out by men looking for a frivolous lay, in the longer term men respect a more picky woman.
“When men see an attractive woman, they fantasise about sex. When women see an attractive man, they fantasise about a relationship – charming, agreeable company over dinner, friendship and comfort. Sex does not necessarily come into it.” (p30 Bluffers Guide to Women 1998)

Emotional intimacy may lead to physical intimacy

Sex does not stand on its own in a relationship and in long-term sexual relationships, a couple will need to invest in their wider relationship. The candle-lit dinners, soft music and flowers we tend to associate with romance provide the backdrop for the companionable aspects of the relationship. Emotional intimacy involves spending intimate time together by talking over dinner, while taking a walk or as you prepare a meal together.
“Women need to feel a degree of sexual intimacy before sex becomes desirable… For women, intimacy sometimes results in sex; for men, sex sometimes results in intimacy.” (p15 Bluffer’s Guide to Women 1998)
Men may have sex constantly on the brain but a woman’s mind does not tend to dwell on her genitals (or anyone else’s!) during the course of a normal day. The result is that women’s sexual arousal is not automatic in the way that men’s tends to be. How to get laid: you need to lead up to sex by creating an environment that will lead to emotional and physical intimacy and hopefully sex.
Men are not a sexual commodity in the way that women can be to men. So, for example, we don’t refer to men as blondes or brunettes. We want a friend, a companion and, yes, a lover but someone who is interested in us as a person as much as a body.
“Above all women like men who take an interest in them.” (p29 Bluffer’s Guide to Women 1998)
Sexual relationships favour male orgasm and yet men are often reluctant to invest effort in pleasuring a woman. A woman is initially flattered when a man gets turned on by her body but over time she comes to doubt that he is devoted to her personally because his sexual frustration is so apparent. A difficult one for men but… try not to be too obvious about your own need for orgasm.
“A woman… wants more intimacy, comprising affection, commitment, and respect for individual identity… Although she knows he wants sex, she is frustrated because this seems to be the only form of intimacy he is interested in with her.” (p77 Why Men don’t get enough Sex and Women don’t get enough Love 1994)
In essence, women want to feel appreciated in a wider sense than just as a sexual partner. A woman is much more likely to be willing to pleasure her man when she feels good about the relationship in general. In the longer term, a man will also need to return the favour by ensuring that the woman receives some pampering by including a more sensual massage.

Sexual fact versus sexual fantasy

Imagine the scenario: a woman, wearing a skirt and no panties, climbs a ladder. A man below enjoys a clear view of her genitals. Imagine now that the genders are reversed: my point is that a woman is unlikely to appreciate the view in the same way that a man does.
Of course, someone is always ready to disagree. A man said: “It depends from woman to woman, because if they want a quickie they like to take a look at your nakedness. “Drop your pants” was an order I got from a girlfriend once in Brisbane who was a Buddhist, when she saw the size of me she stripped and said ‘try to satisfy me – you are very big’ and I did. Second time I got that order was before I married in Tagbilaran. My now wife laid down and said: ”Let’s see how big you are – the bigger the better”, that was before we got married and she went mad for me.”
Men seem to think that women were born yesterday. Of course, an accomplished female lover appreciates how much of a turn-on it is for a man if a woman has the same kind of sexual reactions that men have. It is also a well known fact that women fake orgasm with a partner.
Women can enjoy many aspects of physical intimacy with a lover but we are not automatically aroused, the way men are, because our bodies are not full of the sex hormone, testosterone. Equally, we don’t get a hard-on (clitoral erection) by looking at male nudity: even the body and genitals of our partner. Otherwise women would pay for sex and the sight of the male body more than they do. No doubt there are women who pay for a male lap- or pole-dancer but, I think we all know, most would not.
If we are to accept the facts of female sexuality, we need to leave the sexual fantasy and look around the real world. Men may be able to imagine that sexually attractive young women (under the age of 35) are always on the brink of orgasm. But what about other women?
Do we think that a stunning man enjoys sex more or is more sexually driven than an ugly man? No. Even if a man is middle-aged, ugly, pigeon-chested or has a pot-belly, we know that he is just as likely to masturbate or pay for sex as the next guy. Similarly we know that, regardless of her looks, very few heterosexual women masturbate and almost none pay for sex.
Logic tells us that heterosexual women’s sexuality is the same whatever the age or attractiveness of the woman. The rest is just part of the sexual game that men fall for. After all, men and women play for different stakes – who pays the bill, for example?
Some people believe the sexual fantasy regardless of the evidence: “I must shake my head in wonder as to what women you have spent time with (or possibly they are VERY, very, young women who have not yet discovered their own sexuality). An older woman, say 30 to 55, is easily aroused. A well built man on a beach can absolutely stimulate a woman without her knowing him. Women are quite willing to ‘act like a whore’ in the bedroom and enjoy it, and as well they should, to the fullest.”
Women who take on a pro-active sexual role are described as acting ‘like a whore’ precisely because not every woman behaves in this way. There is no equivalent term for men (very few heterosexual men are paid for sex) because men are generally assumed to be enthusiastic about sex whatever the circumstances.
Remember ‘whores’ only offer sex in return for payment so their sexual ‘enthusiasm’ does not come naturally but has been paid for. Prostitution involves providing male sexual pleasure. Funnily enough, women rarely pay for sex. Most women are more concerned about commitment and trust than about orgasm.
Presumably this is why is it so often suggested that women’s sexual arousal depends on her relationship with a lover or on the love-making skills of a particular lover. Whereas men can have sex with anyone, even a prostitute, as long as they find her attractive and they still manage to enjoy it.
Men have much stronger sexual urges than women so men masturbate regularly from a young age (pre-teens). Men also enjoy sex with a stranger or sexual pleasure through pornography, pole-dancing/lap-dancing bars etc. because they need sex regardless of whether they are in a relationship. Also for many men, the only way they can enjoy the delights of oral sex, for example, is by paying because most wives and girlfriends are not willing to engage on such explicitly sexual activities.

Women who enjoy sexual pleasure as much as men do

Naturally, some women insist that they are just as sexually driven as men. Even today when pornography dominates 90% of the internet, women remain incredibly naive about men’s passion for sex. Men don’t just enjoy sex; they obsess about it.
One woman suggested: “The basics are this: men like sex and will give affection to get it. Women like affection, and get it during sex. It works out well for both. I believe women enjoy sex as much as men do.”
Perhaps I should be more specific and say (when I am talking about enjoying sex) that I am talking about orgasm. That’s not to say, of course, that sex is not enjoyable without orgasm but that such a definition is more likely to appeal to women than it is to men. Women who enjoy female masturbation also hope for more than affection from sex.
I appreciate the sensual pleasures of sharing physical intimacy with a lover. But this is very different to enjoying my own orgasm. I have come to realise that most women have nothing to miss from sex since they are unfamiliar with orgasm.
Not that long ago women were thought to be incapable of enjoying sexual pleasure. Now they are supposed to enjoy sexual pleasure as easily as men do. Women who think this are closing their eyes and their minds to the everyday realities of the world around them.
Such women presumably notice no difference whatsoever between the pleasure that they and their partners derive from sex. And yet a man’s drive to reach orgasm determines the pace and usually the end point of any heterosexual activity. A woman has little say in the matter. In any case, have these women never heard of rape, of prostitution, of men’s use of pornography and masturbation?
I have tried to imagine what it must be like for a woman to approach sex without knowing what her own sexual arousal and orgasm feels like. Even so, I have to question how a woman cannot notice a man’s early morning erection. Do they never realise that almost any intimate physical contact causes a man to be eager for sex? There are no female equivalents to these.
I’m not suggesting that every man is a potential rapist, has paid for sex or that men are sex perverts. But these facts indicate how much more sexually motivated the average man is compared to the average woman. This is why women (but not men) can hug and kiss each other without anyone assuming that there is a sexual context to the relationship.
It is important to differentiate between what women say and what women do. Women often stand to gain by appealing to men. Professing an enthusiasm for sex is one way of doing this. This is hardly a modern female ploy: the sexually provocative female has existed since time began.
What is much more indicative of women’s enthusiasm for sex is what women actually do:
Men masturbate regularly throughout their lives but very few women ever masturbate to enjoy arousal and orgasm;
Men enjoy their own arousal through pornography throughout their lives but even young women buy much less erotica;
Our culture abounds with images of women’s bodies but women do not generate a demand for images of men’s bodies.
Lap-dancing and pole-dancing bars are directed at men and are seldom (if ever) intended for women.
Prostitutes offer men sex the world over but women very rarely pay for sex.
It would be more useful to ask older women, who have less to prove, what they think of sex. I have tried talking to women of all ages about sex and the vast majority prefer to make no comment at all. In fact, very few women are shouting from the rooftops about the marvels of sex. Unfortunately the majority is intimidated by the sexual ego of the minority (one woman in million).

How female sexuality differs to male sexuality

Many heterosexual men and women like the fact that the opposite sex is fundamentally different.
Men are MEN – macho, sometimes a little insensitive, largely disinterested in how they look, social issues or children.
Women are WOMEN – pretty, sometimes a little controlling, largely disinterested in getting dirty, doing battle or anything remotely technical.
When we generalise we need to be careful not to imply that everyone is completely categorised by their gender. Gender and the associated hormone drives need not always totally determine our individual priorities in life.
“Both men and women seem to accept that gender differences will remain.” (p6 Bluffer’s Guide to Men)
We happily accept that men and women have different physical constraints (so men still fight and play sport separately from women) but the issue of emotional drives is a more sensitive topic. My mission has been to try to get some acknowledgement of the different emotional drives that influence our lives.
Naturally there is defensiveness surrounding the sexual politics of heterosexual society. So no one questions why women spend so much time on their looks and men accept subsidising women’s lifestyle. It’s as if no one wants to admit what we stand to gain from the other sex. Women’s financial dependence on men is an especially sensitive issue because of the social custom of women trading sex for money.
It is really quite shocking that even today in our age of information and supposed liberation (and despite the overwhelming evidence from prostitution, pornography, etc.) there is no official recognition that men have a stronger sex drive than women. Even though society claims to want to protect young people, there is a lack of willingness to be honest about sex.
Although Shere Hite proposed how women reach orgasm with a partner in the 1970’s, this information is rarely provided for young women’s benefit today. This is because the vast majority of women approach sex through their relationship with a partner. They have no appreciation of enjoying sexual arousal through genital stimulation as men do.
So young women continue to be encouraged to hope that they will orgasm as easily as men do from vaginal intercourse despite the known difficulties. Women who approach sex as men do, through masturbation and genital stimulation, are not provided with the facts about female sexuality and so they conclude that they must be sexually inadequate when they are, in fact, completely normal.
If we understand what makes each other tick, there is the hope that men and women might be able to live together more harmoniously. There needs to be more honesty about pornography – what is exploitative and what is simply innocent eroticism. There also needs to be more promotion of the importance of appreciating eroticism and learning about sexual arousal through female masturbation.
If men want to enjoy sex in the longer-term they need to find a woman who cares about them enough to invest in their sex life together. In a positive relationship, where there is a willingness to give on both sides, a couple can enjoy sharing emotional and physical intimacy by being more honest about the rewards.
In the longer term, a man hopes for a partner who is positively enthusiastic about their intimate time together. For example, a man hopes for a lover who:
is open to the concept of eroticism
is willing to explore sexual activities with a partner
respects a man’s sexual fantasies
responds lovingly and sensitively as a lover
I know from my own experience that it is possible for a woman to enjoy the physical intimacy of a sexual relationship with a man. However, since it is much more difficult for a woman to enjoy orgasm with a lover, she needs to be prepared to invest in her sexual relationship for her lover’s benefit especially over the longer-term. It would be nice to have this effort that women make in sex more formally acknowledged.

Women Have to Learn About Their Sexual Arousal

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Some Women Do Explore Sexual Pleasure

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