When I could find no answers from talking to experts, I decided to embark on research of my own and talk to women I came across in everyday life.
I did this by writing down some of my experiences and conclusions and then asking women whether they would be willing to read what I had written. I made it clear that there was no obligation for my reviewers to comment.
Perhaps the first point to remark on is just how difficult it is to decide who one can ask to comment (or not) on one’s own personal experiences. I found that there were in fact very few women who I would be brave enough even to ask.
It is much more widely accepted that men are rarely offended by any sexual references. It is much less certain that a woman will not be offended. Even making an approach on such a taboo subject can easily come across as at least odd, if not perverted.
I only approached women who I thought might have a sense of humour about sex. So even if they were not interested they wouldn’t be mortally offended. Even having selected women in this way, the fact is that very few were prepared to comment.
Silence is difficult to interpret. Were they shocked, angry or embarrassed? I’ll never know.
“Many women find it very difficult to talk about sex with their male partners. More than a quarter of the women with whom I have discussed the subject say that they never talk to their partners about things they might do to improve lovemaking.” (p117 Woman’s Experience of Sex 1983)
Women’s experiences are implied as much as stated
Of those who did comment they probably fell into five groups.
(1) Those who were ’shocked’ by explicitly sexual behaviour. They implied that a woman’s sexual experiences should more properly revolve around her relationship with a partner. See sex stories: A sexual relationship and Female masturbation is relatively uncommon.
(2) Those who were confident that orgasm during sex just ‘happens’ the first time and every time. They drew comfort from popular beliefs about female sexuality and often implied that, surely, every woman should orgasm with a lover. See the sex stories: Bluffers, fakers and sex surveys and Some women never tune into eroticism.
(3) Those who were the sexually ‘jaded’. One woman in her late thirties, career and no children, refused to discuss her experiences. She said that all her friends agreed that women don’t get anything out of sex. Women accept sex because they want a relationship with a man (usually for reasons of companionship or family).
(4) Those who had the same experience as me and could only orgasm from masturbation alone. See sex stories Young women often don’t know how to orgasm and Sex advice for women is often misleading.
(5) Those who were confident about orgasm and were able to explain their experiences. These women were relatively relaxed about talking about orgasm. A couple of these explained orgasm with a partner either (A) by masturbation or (B) by using a position. They recognised the need for clitoral stimulation and also admitted to using fantasies during sex for arousal.
(A) Women who masturbate during intercourse: The two women I have spoken to who had this experience (see stories Applying orgasm techniques to sex and Reaching orgasm) learnt to combine masturbation and sex from very early days so perhaps their fantasies map more easily onto reality.
(B) Women who find a position for intercourse: One woman described this experience to me (see the story Positions and techniques for sexual intercourse) but I wonder whether women who are used to more direct clitoral stimulation from masturbation would be able to use this approach.
Showing posts with label clitoral stimulation. Show all posts
Showing posts with label clitoral stimulation. Show all posts
Friday, 16 October 2009
Talking to women about sexual relationships
Once I found the experts had no rational explanations to offer me, I decided to embark on my own personal research by asking women I met in everyday life.
I quickly learned just how embarrassing it was to approach women on such an intimate topic. Very few women are willing to talk about sex at all and even fewer have anything to say about orgasm. The vast majority are silent so it is difficult to know what they think.
It would be nice to imagine that at least some are quietly getting on with it; too busy doing to be talking about it. But given how shocked most women are by any mention of explicit sexual activity, I question how many explore sex beyond the basics.
When I mention that I am a sex writer (only to those women I hope will not drop dead from shock at the mention of the word!) most women avoid the subject completely. They don’t even risk a commonplace comment like ‘How interesting!’ or ‘How brave!’.
This lack of confidence or embarrassment (or however you interpret being snubbed) does not convey the impression that women are happily enjoying orgasmic sex. I can only assume that women’s sexual experiences are not as sensational as we’d like to hope.
I have talked to women of varying ages. No doubt, people will tell me that I have encountered an unrepresentative group of women. One woman suggested that I must ‘live in a broom cupboard’ because of the reactions I have reported. They have no idea.
I challenge anyone who thinks differently to try approaching women they know: relatives, friends, neighbours, work colleagues, fellow holiday-makers etc. What is difficult to appreciate until you try this for real, is just how embarrassing it is to ask anyone about their personal experiences of sex.
Most women have no comment on the subject of orgasm
Many people claim to be relaxed about sex but they run a mile if you ask for details. Likewise women may joke together as a group and compare notes over their lovers’ sexual performance but never their own. The women who were brave enough to talk to me admitted that they never divulged the same details even to their closest friends.
Most women never comment on the popular image of female sexuality. So the views of the more vocal minority win the day. Even young women can be shocked by references to female masturbation and clitoral stimulation. Older women assume that only men and lesbians masturbate and clearly have no idea why a heterosexual woman might want to stimulate her genitals.
A young woman in her mid-twenties told me that she was too embarrassed to talk to anyone about her inability to orgasm during sex. She had assumed that it was her boyfriend’s fault and that perhaps she didn’t love him enough. Only once I told her some of the facts that might explain her experience was she brave enough to mention the issue to her mother.
Her mother, a medical doctor, responded (with slight bravado given her previous silence): “Of course you don’t orgasm during sex!” Some women are happy to accept such conclusions without questioning.
Others want to understand why popular beliefs are so misleading. I certainly did. Unfortunately so often, it isn’t done to ask why because people feel uncomfortable when they have no answers.
One woman told me that she would never allow young people to have sex in her house. I did not understand why since the traditional issues no longer apply. Yet it was clearly impolite to ask for an explanation because of the sensitivity of the subject.
Anyone who doubts that these attitudes exist should get out of their own broom cupboard. When a young boy said: “My parents told me that’s disgusting!” my heart-rate shot up instantly. The taboo of sex causes emotions to run high whatever our beliefs.
I quickly learned just how embarrassing it was to approach women on such an intimate topic. Very few women are willing to talk about sex at all and even fewer have anything to say about orgasm. The vast majority are silent so it is difficult to know what they think.
It would be nice to imagine that at least some are quietly getting on with it; too busy doing to be talking about it. But given how shocked most women are by any mention of explicit sexual activity, I question how many explore sex beyond the basics.
When I mention that I am a sex writer (only to those women I hope will not drop dead from shock at the mention of the word!) most women avoid the subject completely. They don’t even risk a commonplace comment like ‘How interesting!’ or ‘How brave!’.
This lack of confidence or embarrassment (or however you interpret being snubbed) does not convey the impression that women are happily enjoying orgasmic sex. I can only assume that women’s sexual experiences are not as sensational as we’d like to hope.
I have talked to women of varying ages. No doubt, people will tell me that I have encountered an unrepresentative group of women. One woman suggested that I must ‘live in a broom cupboard’ because of the reactions I have reported. They have no idea.
I challenge anyone who thinks differently to try approaching women they know: relatives, friends, neighbours, work colleagues, fellow holiday-makers etc. What is difficult to appreciate until you try this for real, is just how embarrassing it is to ask anyone about their personal experiences of sex.
Most women have no comment on the subject of orgasm
Many people claim to be relaxed about sex but they run a mile if you ask for details. Likewise women may joke together as a group and compare notes over their lovers’ sexual performance but never their own. The women who were brave enough to talk to me admitted that they never divulged the same details even to their closest friends.
Most women never comment on the popular image of female sexuality. So the views of the more vocal minority win the day. Even young women can be shocked by references to female masturbation and clitoral stimulation. Older women assume that only men and lesbians masturbate and clearly have no idea why a heterosexual woman might want to stimulate her genitals.
A young woman in her mid-twenties told me that she was too embarrassed to talk to anyone about her inability to orgasm during sex. She had assumed that it was her boyfriend’s fault and that perhaps she didn’t love him enough. Only once I told her some of the facts that might explain her experience was she brave enough to mention the issue to her mother.
Her mother, a medical doctor, responded (with slight bravado given her previous silence): “Of course you don’t orgasm during sex!” Some women are happy to accept such conclusions without questioning.
Others want to understand why popular beliefs are so misleading. I certainly did. Unfortunately so often, it isn’t done to ask why because people feel uncomfortable when they have no answers.
One woman told me that she would never allow young people to have sex in her house. I did not understand why since the traditional issues no longer apply. Yet it was clearly impolite to ask for an explanation because of the sensitivity of the subject.
Anyone who doubts that these attitudes exist should get out of their own broom cupboard. When a young boy said: “My parents told me that’s disgusting!” my heart-rate shot up instantly. The taboo of sex causes emotions to run high whatever our beliefs.
What if female sexuality truly equalled male sexuality?
Imagine the scenario: a man and a woman facing each other, naked, in a world where men and women have an identical sex drive.
So, of course, they are both standing there with an erection. Just to be clear: the man has an erect penis and the woman has an erect clitoris.
Would they mutually choose to engage in vaginal intercourse? No because intercourse does not stimulate the clitoris enough for a woman to orgasm. Even a man is unlikely to orgasm if his penis were merely rubbed gently in passing…
So the ‘sexually equal’ couple would presumably prefer oral sex or mutual masturbation. This way both sexes could enjoy equal genital stimulation.
Would Nature be happy? No because these activities are not reproductive and so the human race would die out. After all, the PRIME purpose of sex is reproduction. Sexual pleasure is merely a by-product.
Men are fortunate where sex is concerned. A man’s penis is both his sex organ as well as a reproductive organ (also the testes or testicles). Male orgasm (ejaculation in particular) is required for successful reproduction. Men need penile stimulation for orgasm and so vaginal intercourse provides sufficient stimulation for male orgasm.
Women are not so lucky. Their sex organ is the clitoris but their reproductive organs include the vagina, the uterus (womb) and the ovaries (where the eggs are stored). The clitoris is not involved in reproduction and neither is female orgasm. So unfortunately, vaginal intercourse does not provide sufficient clitoral stimulation for female orgasm.
Women who claim to reach orgasm from intercourse alone are mistaken
Sex is designed to provide men with sexual pleasure and orgasm for reproductive reasons. Conversely, sex is NOT designed to provide women with sexual arousal or orgasm because female orgasm is irrelevant to human reproduction.
If women were able to orgasm through vaginal intercourse and without any clitoral stimulation, it would imply that women are MORE HIGHLY SEXED than men. Even men need DIRECT penile stimulation for orgasm.
So anyone who claims that women orgasm during vaginal intercourse is mistaken. Of course, women are known to fake both their own sexual arousal and orgasm. Equally many women simply assume that they orgasm during intercourse because they have no knowledge of what orgasm. This explains why so few women ask about lack of orgasm.
It is only women who are familiar with orgasm from masturbation who realise that orgasm is missing from sex with a partner.
“Nevertheless, many women prefer intercourse to masturbation because it gives them additional sensual benefits such as being held and being kissed and also makes them part of a spontaneous give and take.” (p587 Human Sexuality (fifth edition) 1995)
Vaginal intercourse, from a woman’s perspective, feels much the same as affectionate hugging since the vagina has few nerve endings and so there is little sensation from thrusting.
Women have evolved a willingness to co-operate with men’s sex drive and provide men with sexual pleasure so that they are impregnated. Vaginal intercourse provides women with an easy way of satisfying a man with the least inconvenience to herself.
So, of course, they are both standing there with an erection. Just to be clear: the man has an erect penis and the woman has an erect clitoris.
Would they mutually choose to engage in vaginal intercourse? No because intercourse does not stimulate the clitoris enough for a woman to orgasm. Even a man is unlikely to orgasm if his penis were merely rubbed gently in passing…
So the ‘sexually equal’ couple would presumably prefer oral sex or mutual masturbation. This way both sexes could enjoy equal genital stimulation.
Would Nature be happy? No because these activities are not reproductive and so the human race would die out. After all, the PRIME purpose of sex is reproduction. Sexual pleasure is merely a by-product.
Men are fortunate where sex is concerned. A man’s penis is both his sex organ as well as a reproductive organ (also the testes or testicles). Male orgasm (ejaculation in particular) is required for successful reproduction. Men need penile stimulation for orgasm and so vaginal intercourse provides sufficient stimulation for male orgasm.
Women are not so lucky. Their sex organ is the clitoris but their reproductive organs include the vagina, the uterus (womb) and the ovaries (where the eggs are stored). The clitoris is not involved in reproduction and neither is female orgasm. So unfortunately, vaginal intercourse does not provide sufficient clitoral stimulation for female orgasm.
Women who claim to reach orgasm from intercourse alone are mistaken
Sex is designed to provide men with sexual pleasure and orgasm for reproductive reasons. Conversely, sex is NOT designed to provide women with sexual arousal or orgasm because female orgasm is irrelevant to human reproduction.
If women were able to orgasm through vaginal intercourse and without any clitoral stimulation, it would imply that women are MORE HIGHLY SEXED than men. Even men need DIRECT penile stimulation for orgasm.
So anyone who claims that women orgasm during vaginal intercourse is mistaken. Of course, women are known to fake both their own sexual arousal and orgasm. Equally many women simply assume that they orgasm during intercourse because they have no knowledge of what orgasm. This explains why so few women ask about lack of orgasm.
It is only women who are familiar with orgasm from masturbation who realise that orgasm is missing from sex with a partner.
“Nevertheless, many women prefer intercourse to masturbation because it gives them additional sensual benefits such as being held and being kissed and also makes them part of a spontaneous give and take.” (p587 Human Sexuality (fifth edition) 1995)
Vaginal intercourse, from a woman’s perspective, feels much the same as affectionate hugging since the vagina has few nerve endings and so there is little sensation from thrusting.
Women have evolved a willingness to co-operate with men’s sex drive and provide men with sexual pleasure so that they are impregnated. Vaginal intercourse provides women with an easy way of satisfying a man with the least inconvenience to herself.
How to enjoy your sexual fantasies
Women use clitoral stimulation during female masturbation but that’s just dessert. Main course is scrummy sexual fantasies. Sadly, not every woman learns how to enjoy these delights.
When I first discovered masturbation, I did not have access to any erotic literature. Initially my sexual fantasies were home grown although sometimes based on stories I had already read.
‘The Story of O’ by by Pauline Reage made a big impression on me. I liked the context of a large stately home filled with men who use it as a country club but of course it was a brothel. I liked the idea of the men being rich (of course), masculine and self-assured (experienced).
So many of my early fantasies, which I still use, are based on the idea of a woman being a reluctant slave. Various attendants (usually also male) prepare the woman (me) for sex.
I like to fantasise about group episodes with many men who are either having sex with me or waiting their turn. One scenario is based on servicing men while they are dining around a long table. They penetrate my mouth, vagina or rectum; sometimes more than one man at a time. I don’t like competition and don’t find women’s bodies a turn-on so there are seldom women in my fantasies.
I use ideas such as creams to make my nipples more sensitive or a repository in the rectum to make me want a well-lubricated penis to cool the fire of the irritant. These ideas are intended to be perverse and not necessarily to be enjoyable in reality.
Apparently, some women are able to use their sexual fantasies during sex. Unfortunately, not all women are able to find the focus required to reach orgasm from fantasy when they are engaged on sexual activities with a partner.
Fantasies based on erotic stories
One story I read tells of a woman who agrees to give herself over to an experienced man who wants to show her how enjoyable anal sex can be. He gives her a draught to drink that will clear out her bowels.
He offers her a coffee while they are waiting for the draught to take effect. After a spell on the loo, they shower together and he gives her an enema. By thoroughly cleaning out her rectum they can both be sure that the experience will be more comfortable.
With the lights low, he starts with her face down on the bed and uses a phallic vibrator (dildo) to slowly ease into her anus and help her become relaxed. She lies there with her eyes closed thinking of other things and waiting for the experience to become more comfortable. Gradually she relaxes and starts to feel some sexual arousal.
He turns her over and starts with vaginal intercourse with a finger massaging her anus and penetrating her rectum to relax her muscles. He is eventually able to penetrate her anus with his penis and they have anal intercourse.
Over the course of the evening they have sex a number of times. Often the woman can hardly tell whether he’s in her vagina or her rectum. When he’s penetrating her vagina he uses a finger as a penis replacement in her anus.
I’m not going to tell you about my fantasies around gay men. I suspect this is just an odd perversion of my own. I will tell you about two books I enjoyed. ‘The King’s Men’ by Christian Fall tells the story of young Ned’s sexual adventures during the time of the English Civil War. ‘Hot Valley’ by James Lear is also an historical novel and follows the sexual exploits of Jack (who is a bit of a slut) in the New England of the 1860’s. Well, I like history…
When I first discovered masturbation, I did not have access to any erotic literature. Initially my sexual fantasies were home grown although sometimes based on stories I had already read.
‘The Story of O’ by by Pauline Reage made a big impression on me. I liked the context of a large stately home filled with men who use it as a country club but of course it was a brothel. I liked the idea of the men being rich (of course), masculine and self-assured (experienced).
So many of my early fantasies, which I still use, are based on the idea of a woman being a reluctant slave. Various attendants (usually also male) prepare the woman (me) for sex.
I like to fantasise about group episodes with many men who are either having sex with me or waiting their turn. One scenario is based on servicing men while they are dining around a long table. They penetrate my mouth, vagina or rectum; sometimes more than one man at a time. I don’t like competition and don’t find women’s bodies a turn-on so there are seldom women in my fantasies.
I use ideas such as creams to make my nipples more sensitive or a repository in the rectum to make me want a well-lubricated penis to cool the fire of the irritant. These ideas are intended to be perverse and not necessarily to be enjoyable in reality.
Apparently, some women are able to use their sexual fantasies during sex. Unfortunately, not all women are able to find the focus required to reach orgasm from fantasy when they are engaged on sexual activities with a partner.
Fantasies based on erotic stories
One story I read tells of a woman who agrees to give herself over to an experienced man who wants to show her how enjoyable anal sex can be. He gives her a draught to drink that will clear out her bowels.
He offers her a coffee while they are waiting for the draught to take effect. After a spell on the loo, they shower together and he gives her an enema. By thoroughly cleaning out her rectum they can both be sure that the experience will be more comfortable.
With the lights low, he starts with her face down on the bed and uses a phallic vibrator (dildo) to slowly ease into her anus and help her become relaxed. She lies there with her eyes closed thinking of other things and waiting for the experience to become more comfortable. Gradually she relaxes and starts to feel some sexual arousal.
He turns her over and starts with vaginal intercourse with a finger massaging her anus and penetrating her rectum to relax her muscles. He is eventually able to penetrate her anus with his penis and they have anal intercourse.
Over the course of the evening they have sex a number of times. Often the woman can hardly tell whether he’s in her vagina or her rectum. When he’s penetrating her vagina he uses a finger as a penis replacement in her anus.
I’m not going to tell you about my fantasies around gay men. I suspect this is just an odd perversion of my own. I will tell you about two books I enjoyed. ‘The King’s Men’ by Christian Fall tells the story of young Ned’s sexual adventures during the time of the English Civil War. ‘Hot Valley’ by James Lear is also an historical novel and follows the sexual exploits of Jack (who is a bit of a slut) in the New England of the 1860’s. Well, I like history…
How a woman can enjoy sex play
In the novelty of a new sexual relationship, I have explored a variety of sexual activities with a partner. So, in addition to vaginal intercourse missionary style, in the early days we tried oral sex, clitoral stimulation and different positions for intercourse.
I enjoyed the role of the prostitute, giving pleasure to my man, but I never experienced the sexual arousal required for orgasm. The sensations from oral sex were too vague and my clitoris was too sensitive for my partner to be able to stimulate me manually.
For many years, our sex life settled into the usual marital rut of nothing more than vaginal intercourse to male orgasm. It was the easiest way to provide my partner with some sexual relief and involved me in minimal sexual effort.
Once we had children, we would occasionally get away for weekends. These opportunities, plus holidays (with childcare) where we had more time for sex, meant that my partner could spend time masturbating me (from behind) before having intercourse.
I took the contraceptive pill from the age of eighteen until my partner had a vasectomy after the birth of our third child. Around this time, approximately aged 35, I found that vaginal intercourse became much more comfortable and sensual.
I’ll never know whether this effect was age related or the result of coming off the pill. I found that from time to time my body felt more sensual and aroused. As a young woman I was never aware of any sense of physical arousal. Later my mind has become more tuned into eroticism and I can feel my genital area throbbing with excitement.
So every few weeks I become positively engaged on the idea of sexual activity. I wish it were more often but there it is. I guess we just have to be grateful for what we have. I get a lot more out of sex when I am in this state of being psychologically aroused.
Naughtier than vaginal intercourse
When I am feeling aroused, I look forward to sex sessions with my partner. Sometimes we watch a porn movie in the living room. We put a waterproof sheet and large towel over the ottoman. I kneel down and bend over the ottoman.
My partner sits behind with a good view up between my legs from behind. He has control of the baby oil and lube. While we are watching the movie he penetrates me from behind with fingers and penis. I fast forward to the bits of the movie that I like.
Other times we have sex on the bed. As always, we use a waterproof sheet, large towel and lots of lube. We make sure the lights are low so that I can focus fully on the sensations of my partner stimulating me.
We keep a bag of sex toys. Sometimes my partner uses a dildo vibrator to penetrate my vagina while his penis penetrates my anus. Other times he uses a butt plug in my anus while he penetrates my vagina. Always he stimulates my clitoris from behind.
The modern male lover needs to be a bit of an octopus to do all of this simultaneously but never mind… Depending on my levels of arousal, I feel different sensations from sex with a partner. Basically, the more turned on I am the better the feelings.
Vaginal fisting where my partner penetrates my vagina with all the fingers of one hand, sometimes the whole hand, can give me amazing feelings. When his fingers thrust gently backwards and forwards, I am overwhelmed with waves of physical arousal.
Anal sex, usually starting with finger penetration, but usually ending with penile penetration has always been arousing for me. Sometimes we start a sex session with a shower and my partner gives me an enema.
It’s vital to take things slowly and start only with finger penetration. If a woman ends up sore from anal sex, then she will need time to heal up physically but she will also have negative connotations that will put her off trying again.
This is the difficult part for a man. You need to be ready to slow down and even to stop anal sex if the woman is not enjoying it. The woman needs to accept that it is counterproductive to be the martyr here. Keep it fun and arousing!
I enjoyed the role of the prostitute, giving pleasure to my man, but I never experienced the sexual arousal required for orgasm. The sensations from oral sex were too vague and my clitoris was too sensitive for my partner to be able to stimulate me manually.
For many years, our sex life settled into the usual marital rut of nothing more than vaginal intercourse to male orgasm. It was the easiest way to provide my partner with some sexual relief and involved me in minimal sexual effort.
Once we had children, we would occasionally get away for weekends. These opportunities, plus holidays (with childcare) where we had more time for sex, meant that my partner could spend time masturbating me (from behind) before having intercourse.
I took the contraceptive pill from the age of eighteen until my partner had a vasectomy after the birth of our third child. Around this time, approximately aged 35, I found that vaginal intercourse became much more comfortable and sensual.
I’ll never know whether this effect was age related or the result of coming off the pill. I found that from time to time my body felt more sensual and aroused. As a young woman I was never aware of any sense of physical arousal. Later my mind has become more tuned into eroticism and I can feel my genital area throbbing with excitement.
So every few weeks I become positively engaged on the idea of sexual activity. I wish it were more often but there it is. I guess we just have to be grateful for what we have. I get a lot more out of sex when I am in this state of being psychologically aroused.
Naughtier than vaginal intercourse
When I am feeling aroused, I look forward to sex sessions with my partner. Sometimes we watch a porn movie in the living room. We put a waterproof sheet and large towel over the ottoman. I kneel down and bend over the ottoman.
My partner sits behind with a good view up between my legs from behind. He has control of the baby oil and lube. While we are watching the movie he penetrates me from behind with fingers and penis. I fast forward to the bits of the movie that I like.
Other times we have sex on the bed. As always, we use a waterproof sheet, large towel and lots of lube. We make sure the lights are low so that I can focus fully on the sensations of my partner stimulating me.
We keep a bag of sex toys. Sometimes my partner uses a dildo vibrator to penetrate my vagina while his penis penetrates my anus. Other times he uses a butt plug in my anus while he penetrates my vagina. Always he stimulates my clitoris from behind.
The modern male lover needs to be a bit of an octopus to do all of this simultaneously but never mind… Depending on my levels of arousal, I feel different sensations from sex with a partner. Basically, the more turned on I am the better the feelings.
Vaginal fisting where my partner penetrates my vagina with all the fingers of one hand, sometimes the whole hand, can give me amazing feelings. When his fingers thrust gently backwards and forwards, I am overwhelmed with waves of physical arousal.
Anal sex, usually starting with finger penetration, but usually ending with penile penetration has always been arousing for me. Sometimes we start a sex session with a shower and my partner gives me an enema.
It’s vital to take things slowly and start only with finger penetration. If a woman ends up sore from anal sex, then she will need time to heal up physically but she will also have negative connotations that will put her off trying again.
This is the difficult part for a man. You need to be ready to slow down and even to stop anal sex if the woman is not enjoying it. The woman needs to accept that it is counterproductive to be the martyr here. Keep it fun and arousing!
How to orgasm
Shere Hite explained how women apply orgasm techniques in order to reach orgasm during intercourse. Women’s sexual arousal and orgasm is not automatic and so women have to learn how to orgasm. Inevitably, such techniques take time to develop.
“ … the two reasons women don’t orgasm during intercourse are:
(1) they are given false information, specifically they are told that the penis thrusting in the vagina will cause orgasm; and
(2) they are intimidated from exploring and touching their bodies… They do not control their own stimulation.” (p53 The Hite Reports 1993)
Research indicates that masturbation is innate but sex itself is learned. We know that vaginal intercourse is reproductive and so we assume it also leads to sexual pleasure.
Unfortunately, female orgasm is not required for reproduction and so vaginal intercourse is not designed, either physically or psychologically, to provide a woman with orgasm. Luckily other sexual activities can be just as enjoyable as (if not more than) intercourse.
Intercourse naturally allows a man to control his own physical stimulation (of the penis) through thrusting. Even if the woman takes the initiative and ‘rides’ her man from on top, she is still stimulating his penis with her vagina. A couple needs to build into their sex life the same freedom for the woman to obtain the clitoral stimulation that she needs.
Clitoral stimulation is not everything
If a woman knows how to masturbate to orgasm, she may be able to obtain the additional clitoral stimulation she needs by applying her orgasm techniques to sex while her man penetrates her. Either her partner stimulates her clitoris or more usually she masturbates herself during intercourse using a rear-entry position e.g. in the spoon position (imagine spoons lying side by side in the drawer).
Of course, this kind of sensitive technique is difficult for a man to learn as he needs to rely on his partner’s feedback. The likely areas, equivalent to the erogenous areas in a man, include the labia themselves (the length of the penis), either side of the labia (the testicles), the entrance to the vagina (base of the penis) and around the anus.
A man needs to learn how his partner reacts when stimulation is pleasurable. The signs of sexual arousal in a woman are subtler than for a man but include the degree and consistency of her vaginal fluids, the extent that the vaginal entrance and labia are swollen and the degree of clitoral erection.
“Forget the missionary position. Most men think that if they stick it in you you’ll be screaming with orgasm, just as long as they keep at it enough” says Ruth, 30. “It’s just not so. No matter how much you pump, nothing is going to happen, apart from her writing a mental shopping list for Tesco. Unless, of course the clitoris is involved. And that’s physically impossible if you’re lying on top.” (Men’s Health magazine Jan/Feb 1998)
Transferring orgasm techniques from masturbation to sex can be difficult for a woman because some sexual fantasies are more difficult to use during sex with a partner. Unfortunately not every woman is able to focus on fantasy during sex.
“ … the two reasons women don’t orgasm during intercourse are:
(1) they are given false information, specifically they are told that the penis thrusting in the vagina will cause orgasm; and
(2) they are intimidated from exploring and touching their bodies… They do not control their own stimulation.” (p53 The Hite Reports 1993)
Research indicates that masturbation is innate but sex itself is learned. We know that vaginal intercourse is reproductive and so we assume it also leads to sexual pleasure.
Unfortunately, female orgasm is not required for reproduction and so vaginal intercourse is not designed, either physically or psychologically, to provide a woman with orgasm. Luckily other sexual activities can be just as enjoyable as (if not more than) intercourse.
Intercourse naturally allows a man to control his own physical stimulation (of the penis) through thrusting. Even if the woman takes the initiative and ‘rides’ her man from on top, she is still stimulating his penis with her vagina. A couple needs to build into their sex life the same freedom for the woman to obtain the clitoral stimulation that she needs.
Clitoral stimulation is not everything
If a woman knows how to masturbate to orgasm, she may be able to obtain the additional clitoral stimulation she needs by applying her orgasm techniques to sex while her man penetrates her. Either her partner stimulates her clitoris or more usually she masturbates herself during intercourse using a rear-entry position e.g. in the spoon position (imagine spoons lying side by side in the drawer).
Of course, this kind of sensitive technique is difficult for a man to learn as he needs to rely on his partner’s feedback. The likely areas, equivalent to the erogenous areas in a man, include the labia themselves (the length of the penis), either side of the labia (the testicles), the entrance to the vagina (base of the penis) and around the anus.
A man needs to learn how his partner reacts when stimulation is pleasurable. The signs of sexual arousal in a woman are subtler than for a man but include the degree and consistency of her vaginal fluids, the extent that the vaginal entrance and labia are swollen and the degree of clitoral erection.
“Forget the missionary position. Most men think that if they stick it in you you’ll be screaming with orgasm, just as long as they keep at it enough” says Ruth, 30. “It’s just not so. No matter how much you pump, nothing is going to happen, apart from her writing a mental shopping list for Tesco. Unless, of course the clitoris is involved. And that’s physically impossible if you’re lying on top.” (Men’s Health magazine Jan/Feb 1998)
Transferring orgasm techniques from masturbation to sex can be difficult for a woman because some sexual fantasies are more difficult to use during sex with a partner. Unfortunately not every woman is able to focus on fantasy during sex.
Explanations for female sexual arousal
In response to my article saying that it was ridiculous to suggest that a man can give a woman an orgasm, a man wrote:
“My wife is consistently orgasmic. They are obviously not faked. She can’t fake the cries, the involuntary movements, the demands for more stimulation, and everything else that goes with orgasm.
I’ve offered oral and manual stimulation. She rejects oral because she considers it unhygeinic and a short cut for those who lack skills to do it the regular way. She demands my penis as soon as I have an erection. She orgasms through penile thrusting. …
When I lost my virginity to an older, more experienced woman, she eagerly guided my penis into her. … She obviously enjoyed my penis and got three orgasms from penile thrusting alone.
Several years later another woman begged me to make love to her and I did. She wanted my penis inside of her. … She told me once that her body ached for mine. She wanted a penis inside her.
I admit I have not had as much variety as a lot of men have had, but the women with whom I have had sex have demanded a penis. Judging from the intensity of their orgasms, they’ve been very satisfied and would have it no other way. My wife tells me she lets me caress her to orgasm with my fingers only for my enjoyment. She prefers an orgasm with my penis.”
Why is a man with this experience reading these articles in the first place? If everything works for you then that’s fantastic. I am not questioning that people have these experiences that read like erotic fiction. I am interested in discussing any LOGICAL EXPLANATIONS for how women are supposed to achieve these orgasmic feats given the FACTS of female sexuality.
“Most women do not orgasm as a result of intercourse per se. The overwhelming majority of women require specific clitoral contact for orgasm.” (p29 The Hite Reports 1993)
The clitoris is the female sex organ
The FACT is that the vagina has very few nerve endings. To come across even one woman who can feel sensations in a part of the body without nerve endings would be un-nerving but to come across three such women is positively suspicous.
Why would anyone who is hoping for orgasm ignore their own sex organ? It doesn’t make sense. Why are men so ready to accept that although they need penile stimulation in order to orgasm, women orgasm easily without any genital stimulation?
A woman’s sex organ is the clitoris (which has many nerve endings) and if women experienced true sexual arousal then they would want to stimulate their genitals (through clitoral stimulation) just as men do. Women approach sex with a focus on the penis and penile thrusting because male sexual arousal is much easier to achieve.
Relatively few women masturbate and so most women are unaware of what orgasm is or how to achieve it. They are not necessarily even hoping for orgasm from their sexual relationships because they have no experience of it.
For years I was convinced that vaginal intercourse MUST work. Even though my own experience told me that it did not. Even knowing that clitoral stimulation is required for female orgasm did not help because nothing seemed to work with a partner.
I agree with the experience that clitoral stimulation alone does not guarantee orgasm. But the reason for this is that genital stimulation is only effective once a person is mentally aroused.
Anyone who is familiar with orgasm will appreciate this point. If you cannot find a way to get your mind switched on then it doesn’t matter how much you stimulate your genitals – nothing will happen.
Even when I knew how to orgasm from female masturbation, I did not consider using the same orgasm techniques during sex. Many women find that sex with a lover is incompatible with using sexual fantasies.
“My wife is consistently orgasmic. They are obviously not faked. She can’t fake the cries, the involuntary movements, the demands for more stimulation, and everything else that goes with orgasm.
I’ve offered oral and manual stimulation. She rejects oral because she considers it unhygeinic and a short cut for those who lack skills to do it the regular way. She demands my penis as soon as I have an erection. She orgasms through penile thrusting. …
When I lost my virginity to an older, more experienced woman, she eagerly guided my penis into her. … She obviously enjoyed my penis and got three orgasms from penile thrusting alone.
Several years later another woman begged me to make love to her and I did. She wanted my penis inside of her. … She told me once that her body ached for mine. She wanted a penis inside her.
I admit I have not had as much variety as a lot of men have had, but the women with whom I have had sex have demanded a penis. Judging from the intensity of their orgasms, they’ve been very satisfied and would have it no other way. My wife tells me she lets me caress her to orgasm with my fingers only for my enjoyment. She prefers an orgasm with my penis.”
Why is a man with this experience reading these articles in the first place? If everything works for you then that’s fantastic. I am not questioning that people have these experiences that read like erotic fiction. I am interested in discussing any LOGICAL EXPLANATIONS for how women are supposed to achieve these orgasmic feats given the FACTS of female sexuality.
“Most women do not orgasm as a result of intercourse per se. The overwhelming majority of women require specific clitoral contact for orgasm.” (p29 The Hite Reports 1993)
The clitoris is the female sex organ
The FACT is that the vagina has very few nerve endings. To come across even one woman who can feel sensations in a part of the body without nerve endings would be un-nerving but to come across three such women is positively suspicous.
Why would anyone who is hoping for orgasm ignore their own sex organ? It doesn’t make sense. Why are men so ready to accept that although they need penile stimulation in order to orgasm, women orgasm easily without any genital stimulation?
A woman’s sex organ is the clitoris (which has many nerve endings) and if women experienced true sexual arousal then they would want to stimulate their genitals (through clitoral stimulation) just as men do. Women approach sex with a focus on the penis and penile thrusting because male sexual arousal is much easier to achieve.
Relatively few women masturbate and so most women are unaware of what orgasm is or how to achieve it. They are not necessarily even hoping for orgasm from their sexual relationships because they have no experience of it.
For years I was convinced that vaginal intercourse MUST work. Even though my own experience told me that it did not. Even knowing that clitoral stimulation is required for female orgasm did not help because nothing seemed to work with a partner.
I agree with the experience that clitoral stimulation alone does not guarantee orgasm. But the reason for this is that genital stimulation is only effective once a person is mentally aroused.
Anyone who is familiar with orgasm will appreciate this point. If you cannot find a way to get your mind switched on then it doesn’t matter how much you stimulate your genitals – nothing will happen.
Even when I knew how to orgasm from female masturbation, I did not consider using the same orgasm techniques during sex. Many women find that sex with a lover is incompatible with using sexual fantasies.
Thursday, 15 October 2009
A sexual relationship
Judy married in the late 1950’s; well before the average woman was informed about what a sexual relationship might involve. Judy’s aspirations were to provide a comfortable home for her family and to enjoy being a wife and a mother.
When I talked to her, Judy was in her mid-sixties with grown up children and a relationship of over 40 years. It was always doubtful whether she would understand a smutty joke but she had a wonderful giggle.
In response to my suggestion that women experience orgasm most easily through masturbation Judy commented: “I am a little bit shocked… I have always thought (totally without any proof) that young men masturbated more than young women. The reason I thought this would be that their thoughts and urges were much stronger in general towards sex.”
Other people mistakenly assume that all young women today can masturbate to orgasm. Even in our ‘modern’ times, it may be that many (if not all) men masturbate but female masturbation is relatively uncommon. Given 99% of men masturbate, only 1% of women need to masturbate to make the following quote true but there is still a considerable bias according to gender!
“People who have never masturbated, while in a statistical minority, should certainly not be made to feel abnormal. … Sexual decisions, in the final analysis must be personal.” (p412 Human Sexuality 1995)
Young women often don’t know how to orgasm and why should they? There are few sources of information to help younger women learn how women’s sexual arousal works or how they can go about enjoying sexual pleasure. Also it can be difficult to find explanations for women’s sexual experiences given that sex advice for women is often misleading.
A sex therapist in her late fifties was totally over-awed by the modern talk of vibrators and orgasm. She was happy to admit her conclusion that young women today are way more experienced than older generations (my view – it depends on the woman). As an ‘expert’ though she confidently advises that clitoral stimulation solves all difficulties with orgasm during sex.
I question whether people giving this advice know, from their own experiences of sex with a partner, that clitoral stimulation automatically leads to female orgasm. The truth is that many women, sex experts or not, have never explored their own sexual arousal and so few are confident to pass on a more realistic view based on their own sexual experiences.
Clitoral stimulation by itself has certainly never produced miracles for me during sex. Equally I am not aware of any research that supports the claim that clitoral stimulation alone is a guarantee of orgasm with a partner. The truth is that even during masturbation, clitoral stimulation only works when combined with the use of highly explicit sexual fantasies.
Women have lower sexual desire
It may have become fashionable (not only acceptable but also actively encouraged) that women should be as positive about sex as men but, whatever the fashion, we cannot change our fundamental biological responses. Flattered by male attention, young women naturally respond by appearing to be ‘more sexual’ than their elders. Unfortunately, society rejects a more representative picture of women’s sexuality because of the cultural pressure to promote women as young and sexy.
In fact the young women I spoke to were just as embarrassed about sex as their elders despite the liberalisation in sexual attitudes. Few women of any age identify with concepts as sexually explicit as clitoral stimulation or female masturbation. The conclusion must be that it is natural and normal for women to be less motivated than men to explore their own sexual arousal.
In any event, lack of orgasm is only a problem if a woman feels that she should have one in the first place. This is likely to be one reason why the scale of the ‘problem’ is rarely acknowledged because, as long as a woman is ignorant of what she is missing, she can happily go through life without ever knowing what an orgasm feels like.
Judy told me how, without preconceptions, a woman simply accepts her experience of sex at face value. Many women, of any generation, never read erotic novels or sex manuals. Being unaware of other women’s experiences, either real or imaginary, they have nothing to reconcile their sexual experiences to. At least Judy was brave enough to comment.
Lack of understanding about female sexuality means most women prefer to say nothing at all. It has certainly made me wonder: if the ‘normal’ experience is to orgasm with a partner then why would more women not be happy to say so?
When I talked to her, Judy was in her mid-sixties with grown up children and a relationship of over 40 years. It was always doubtful whether she would understand a smutty joke but she had a wonderful giggle.
In response to my suggestion that women experience orgasm most easily through masturbation Judy commented: “I am a little bit shocked… I have always thought (totally without any proof) that young men masturbated more than young women. The reason I thought this would be that their thoughts and urges were much stronger in general towards sex.”
Other people mistakenly assume that all young women today can masturbate to orgasm. Even in our ‘modern’ times, it may be that many (if not all) men masturbate but female masturbation is relatively uncommon. Given 99% of men masturbate, only 1% of women need to masturbate to make the following quote true but there is still a considerable bias according to gender!
“People who have never masturbated, while in a statistical minority, should certainly not be made to feel abnormal. … Sexual decisions, in the final analysis must be personal.” (p412 Human Sexuality 1995)
Young women often don’t know how to orgasm and why should they? There are few sources of information to help younger women learn how women’s sexual arousal works or how they can go about enjoying sexual pleasure. Also it can be difficult to find explanations for women’s sexual experiences given that sex advice for women is often misleading.
A sex therapist in her late fifties was totally over-awed by the modern talk of vibrators and orgasm. She was happy to admit her conclusion that young women today are way more experienced than older generations (my view – it depends on the woman). As an ‘expert’ though she confidently advises that clitoral stimulation solves all difficulties with orgasm during sex.
I question whether people giving this advice know, from their own experiences of sex with a partner, that clitoral stimulation automatically leads to female orgasm. The truth is that many women, sex experts or not, have never explored their own sexual arousal and so few are confident to pass on a more realistic view based on their own sexual experiences.
Clitoral stimulation by itself has certainly never produced miracles for me during sex. Equally I am not aware of any research that supports the claim that clitoral stimulation alone is a guarantee of orgasm with a partner. The truth is that even during masturbation, clitoral stimulation only works when combined with the use of highly explicit sexual fantasies.
Women have lower sexual desire
It may have become fashionable (not only acceptable but also actively encouraged) that women should be as positive about sex as men but, whatever the fashion, we cannot change our fundamental biological responses. Flattered by male attention, young women naturally respond by appearing to be ‘more sexual’ than their elders. Unfortunately, society rejects a more representative picture of women’s sexuality because of the cultural pressure to promote women as young and sexy.
In fact the young women I spoke to were just as embarrassed about sex as their elders despite the liberalisation in sexual attitudes. Few women of any age identify with concepts as sexually explicit as clitoral stimulation or female masturbation. The conclusion must be that it is natural and normal for women to be less motivated than men to explore their own sexual arousal.
In any event, lack of orgasm is only a problem if a woman feels that she should have one in the first place. This is likely to be one reason why the scale of the ‘problem’ is rarely acknowledged because, as long as a woman is ignorant of what she is missing, she can happily go through life without ever knowing what an orgasm feels like.
Judy told me how, without preconceptions, a woman simply accepts her experience of sex at face value. Many women, of any generation, never read erotic novels or sex manuals. Being unaware of other women’s experiences, either real or imaginary, they have nothing to reconcile their sexual experiences to. At least Judy was brave enough to comment.
Lack of understanding about female sexuality means most women prefer to say nothing at all. It has certainly made me wonder: if the ‘normal’ experience is to orgasm with a partner then why would more women not be happy to say so?
Positions and techniques for sexual intercourse
Shere Hite explained back in the 1970’s how the women in her surveys reached orgasm during sex with a partner. She compared women’s success with orgasm during masturbation to their experience of intercourse and concluded that it was the lack of clitoral stimulation that explained the difference.
Women’s sexual arousal and orgasm is not automatic and so women have to learn how to orgasm.
“To have an orgasm during intercourse, there are two ways a woman can increase her chances always remembering that she is adapting her body to less than adequate stimulation.
(1) First and most important, she must consciously try to apply her masturbation techniques to intercourse, or experiment to find out what else may work for her to get clitoral stimulation; or,
(2) she can work out a sexual relationship with a particular man who can meet her individual needs.” (p51 The Hite Reports 1993)
The only women Shere Hite categorised as able to reach orgasm from intercourse alone were those who did not manually stimulate the clitoris during sex. In attempting to understand how these women were successful with intercourse, she concluded that they usually took steps to ensure that they maximised the effects of indirect clitoral stimulation (from the action of the penis thrusting in the vagina) by finding suitable positions and techniques for sexual intercourse.
Finding an effective position for intercourse can take years
Liz, an attractive professional woman in her late forties, was confident in offering me advice. She told me to get a copy of Alex Comfort’s book ‘Joy of Sex’ and that “everything else would follow”. She and her partner had found a position for intercourse that made it possible for her to reach orgasm. They had evolved their use of this position over a number of years not by explicit discussion but through trial and error. Liz confirmed that she used sexual fantasies during sex for sexual arousal and orgasm.
Of the women I talked to, those who told me they experienced orgasms during sex were often dismissive of female masturbation. Without the experience of orgasm from masturbation, a woman is more accepting of sex without orgasm. If over time, she does eventually find a way to make intercourse orgasmic then she only stands to be pleasantly surprised. Since these women have no other sexual outlet, if they are ever to enjoy indulging their sexual instincts it has to be during sex with a partner.
“Twenty-five to 30 percent of women climax without additional clitoral stimulation. Experts believe these women may have a larger clitoris than usual so it’s more easily ‘rubbed’ by a thrusting penis.” (p101 Hot Sex – 1998)
Liz was evidently not relaxed about discussing sex and admitted that she was unenthusiastic about female masturbation. Ten or more years into a relationship, many couples will be in their thirties. The man is likely to be less trigger-happy and hence able to spend longer stimulating his partner through thrusting. The woman may find that her body is more receptive to being aroused. A healthy amount of ‘inhibited’ under-the-covers sex (with the lights off) would actually facilitate a woman’s use of sexual fantasies.
Women’s sexual arousal and orgasm is not automatic and so women have to learn how to orgasm.
“To have an orgasm during intercourse, there are two ways a woman can increase her chances always remembering that she is adapting her body to less than adequate stimulation.
(1) First and most important, she must consciously try to apply her masturbation techniques to intercourse, or experiment to find out what else may work for her to get clitoral stimulation; or,
(2) she can work out a sexual relationship with a particular man who can meet her individual needs.” (p51 The Hite Reports 1993)
The only women Shere Hite categorised as able to reach orgasm from intercourse alone were those who did not manually stimulate the clitoris during sex. In attempting to understand how these women were successful with intercourse, she concluded that they usually took steps to ensure that they maximised the effects of indirect clitoral stimulation (from the action of the penis thrusting in the vagina) by finding suitable positions and techniques for sexual intercourse.
Finding an effective position for intercourse can take years
Liz, an attractive professional woman in her late forties, was confident in offering me advice. She told me to get a copy of Alex Comfort’s book ‘Joy of Sex’ and that “everything else would follow”. She and her partner had found a position for intercourse that made it possible for her to reach orgasm. They had evolved their use of this position over a number of years not by explicit discussion but through trial and error. Liz confirmed that she used sexual fantasies during sex for sexual arousal and orgasm.
Of the women I talked to, those who told me they experienced orgasms during sex were often dismissive of female masturbation. Without the experience of orgasm from masturbation, a woman is more accepting of sex without orgasm. If over time, she does eventually find a way to make intercourse orgasmic then she only stands to be pleasantly surprised. Since these women have no other sexual outlet, if they are ever to enjoy indulging their sexual instincts it has to be during sex with a partner.
“Twenty-five to 30 percent of women climax without additional clitoral stimulation. Experts believe these women may have a larger clitoris than usual so it’s more easily ‘rubbed’ by a thrusting penis.” (p101 Hot Sex – 1998)
Liz was evidently not relaxed about discussing sex and admitted that she was unenthusiastic about female masturbation. Ten or more years into a relationship, many couples will be in their thirties. The man is likely to be less trigger-happy and hence able to spend longer stimulating his partner through thrusting. The woman may find that her body is more receptive to being aroused. A healthy amount of ‘inhibited’ under-the-covers sex (with the lights off) would actually facilitate a woman’s use of sexual fantasies.
Young & sexy
young woman complained about the male attention she got every time she left the hostel on 42nd Street in Manhattan, dressed in her high heels and low cleavage. Yes, well… It is relatively easy for a woman to attract a man’s attention by enhancing her looks.
It is more difficult for her to cash in on the advantage by enjoying orgasm with a partner. Women do not experience the spontaneous arousal that men do and so women do not have the same need for orgasm. A woman is rarely seeking sex in the sense that a man does.
All this is very confusing for men. They see a woman who has apparently gone to great deal of effort to attract their attention. Naturally a man assumes that she must be interested in sex. Looking at this issue from the other side, since men never put on make-up or dress provocatively we might conclude they are not interested in sex.
Of course this does not follow. The sexes have different but complementary roles. The woman’s role is to attract a man’s attention. The man’s role is to take the initiative in making an advance towards a woman he finds attractive. So women’s bodies are a sexual commodity in a way that men’s rarely are.
Men want control in sexual situations because ultimately it is their sexual performance that is key to any sexual relationship and, of course, to reproduction. So men have the initial choice of selecting a woman they find attractive but women have the choice to accept or decline their offer. These behaviours are fundamental to our dating and mating rituals.
Rich men tend to marry women who are attractive rather those who succeed alongside men in the academic or commercial world. So, in our heterosexual society, even women tend to judge other women by their looks rather than their achievements.
Women have lower sexual desire
One year at college I lived with six other female students. Two of them were always entertaining young men in their rooms. The rest of us assumed that they must have been having sex with at least some of the stream of men who came through our flat. My conclusion was not that they achieved sexual satisfaction with these men but that they enjoyed being so popular.
Most women need a stable relationship in which there is a high degree of trust and good communication in order to experience good sex. One-night stands can only be fuelling a woman’s ego and satisfying her vanity. Ironically, young women often lack confidence and being promiscuous is an easy way to be popular, with men at least.
Women’s difficulties with sexual arousal and orgasm are often blamed on low libido but women naturally have a lower sex drive than men as evidenced by:
our enthusiasm for eroticism, either visual pornography or erotic stories;
our willingness to indulge in sexual fantasies;
the pleasure we obtain from admiring the sexual attributes of the opposite sex;
how frequently we masturbate; and
our motivation to initiate sex with a partner.
So, for example, when I have offered my partners oral sex (fellatio) they almost swoon with pleasure and yet I rarely find oral sex (cunnilingus) arousing enough for orgasm. Even women who orgasm from cunnilingus need the circumstances to be just right and I suspect that few women would be willing to pay for the pleasure as men do.
The oldest profession (prostitution) says it all: a relatively few women provide sex for many more men. Of course the women are shamed for making money out of men’s need. Yet men often compensate women financially for sex – not an indication of equal pleasure. Even in our supposedly liberated times over 90% of the Internet provides some form of sex for men.
Inevitably there must be some women who are sexually insatiable and some men who are unmoved by sex but these individuals do not represent the ‘norm’. Most women never talk about lost sexual opportunities. They talk about commitment and trust. This enormous gap between the sexes means that most women remain terribly naïve about men’s sex drive.
It is more difficult for her to cash in on the advantage by enjoying orgasm with a partner. Women do not experience the spontaneous arousal that men do and so women do not have the same need for orgasm. A woman is rarely seeking sex in the sense that a man does.
All this is very confusing for men. They see a woman who has apparently gone to great deal of effort to attract their attention. Naturally a man assumes that she must be interested in sex. Looking at this issue from the other side, since men never put on make-up or dress provocatively we might conclude they are not interested in sex.
Of course this does not follow. The sexes have different but complementary roles. The woman’s role is to attract a man’s attention. The man’s role is to take the initiative in making an advance towards a woman he finds attractive. So women’s bodies are a sexual commodity in a way that men’s rarely are.
Men want control in sexual situations because ultimately it is their sexual performance that is key to any sexual relationship and, of course, to reproduction. So men have the initial choice of selecting a woman they find attractive but women have the choice to accept or decline their offer. These behaviours are fundamental to our dating and mating rituals.
Rich men tend to marry women who are attractive rather those who succeed alongside men in the academic or commercial world. So, in our heterosexual society, even women tend to judge other women by their looks rather than their achievements.
Women have lower sexual desire
One year at college I lived with six other female students. Two of them were always entertaining young men in their rooms. The rest of us assumed that they must have been having sex with at least some of the stream of men who came through our flat. My conclusion was not that they achieved sexual satisfaction with these men but that they enjoyed being so popular.
Most women need a stable relationship in which there is a high degree of trust and good communication in order to experience good sex. One-night stands can only be fuelling a woman’s ego and satisfying her vanity. Ironically, young women often lack confidence and being promiscuous is an easy way to be popular, with men at least.
Women’s difficulties with sexual arousal and orgasm are often blamed on low libido but women naturally have a lower sex drive than men as evidenced by:
our enthusiasm for eroticism, either visual pornography or erotic stories;
our willingness to indulge in sexual fantasies;
the pleasure we obtain from admiring the sexual attributes of the opposite sex;
how frequently we masturbate; and
our motivation to initiate sex with a partner.
So, for example, when I have offered my partners oral sex (fellatio) they almost swoon with pleasure and yet I rarely find oral sex (cunnilingus) arousing enough for orgasm. Even women who orgasm from cunnilingus need the circumstances to be just right and I suspect that few women would be willing to pay for the pleasure as men do.
The oldest profession (prostitution) says it all: a relatively few women provide sex for many more men. Of course the women are shamed for making money out of men’s need. Yet men often compensate women financially for sex – not an indication of equal pleasure. Even in our supposedly liberated times over 90% of the Internet provides some form of sex for men.
Inevitably there must be some women who are sexually insatiable and some men who are unmoved by sex but these individuals do not represent the ‘norm’. Most women never talk about lost sexual opportunities. They talk about commitment and trust. This enormous gap between the sexes means that most women remain terribly naïve about men’s sex drive.
Transferring orgasm techniques to sex
Women’s orgasm techniques leant from masturbation (including both clitoral stimulation and use of sexual fantasies) are not always easy to apply to sex with a partner. My own experience was that the contrast between sex with a partner and masturbation alone was so extreme that it never even occurred to me to try to combine the two experiences.
Men dislike wearing condoms because they reduce the stimulation of the penis. Imagine then the position of a woman during intercourse! Sexual intercourse without any additional clitoral stimulation is a bit like wearing a rubber boot as a condom!
“Most women conclude at some point in their lives that the female body is badly designed.” (p19 Bluffer’s Guide to Women 1998)
Men’s sexual arousal is so much more obvious and easier to achieve: you touch them just about anywhere, wear something provocative or nothing at all. In the absence of my own sexual arousal, it was much easier to accept my partner’s love-making and facilitate his orgasm. Women’s sexual arousal and orgasm is not automatic but neither is it obvious (even to a woman) how women’s sexual arousal with a partner works. I did not know where to start to suggest what my partner might try to arouse me.
Female masturbation may help but is no guarantee
The fact was that I had never considered masturbation to be a legitimate part of sex. Masturbation was purely a mechanism for assisting me in getting to sleep and for enjoying the pleasures of orgasm. Even though I knew that sexual fantasies worked when I was alone, it was as if it would be an insult to my partner to start reading a sexy story when his body was next to mine.
“Women also often find it easier to fantasise when self-pleasuring than in sex with a partner. The immediacy of someone else’s needs actually inhibits the expression and satisfaction of their own. Some also say they have to imagine that the person making love to them is not the person they know so well.” (p65 Woman’s Experience of Sex 1983)
Women, who say they orgasm from sexual intercourse but do not masturbate, do not necessarily have it all figured out; it’s just that they have no comparison. There is even sometimes an implication that female masturbation may prevent a woman from having an orgasm with a partner. This is, of course, based purely on superstition rather than logic as Shere Hite explains.
“Perhaps if you masturbate, you can get a fixation on your clitoris and are thus unable to come during intercourse.”
“The fact that I’ve been masturbating since I was ten has made it more difficult for me to orgasm vaginally.”
These two quotes came from women who replied to Shere Hite’s survey. She replies: “The truth, however, is just the opposite: masturbation increases your ability to orgasm in general, and also your ability to orgasm during intercourse. Why not? It’s the same stimulation. … Of course, masturbation to orgasm does not automatically enable you to orgasm during intercourse. There is no mystical connection between the two – just the practical experience with orgasm – how it feels and how to get it.” (p51 The Hite Reports – 1993)
Men dislike wearing condoms because they reduce the stimulation of the penis. Imagine then the position of a woman during intercourse! Sexual intercourse without any additional clitoral stimulation is a bit like wearing a rubber boot as a condom!
“Most women conclude at some point in their lives that the female body is badly designed.” (p19 Bluffer’s Guide to Women 1998)
Men’s sexual arousal is so much more obvious and easier to achieve: you touch them just about anywhere, wear something provocative or nothing at all. In the absence of my own sexual arousal, it was much easier to accept my partner’s love-making and facilitate his orgasm. Women’s sexual arousal and orgasm is not automatic but neither is it obvious (even to a woman) how women’s sexual arousal with a partner works. I did not know where to start to suggest what my partner might try to arouse me.
Female masturbation may help but is no guarantee
The fact was that I had never considered masturbation to be a legitimate part of sex. Masturbation was purely a mechanism for assisting me in getting to sleep and for enjoying the pleasures of orgasm. Even though I knew that sexual fantasies worked when I was alone, it was as if it would be an insult to my partner to start reading a sexy story when his body was next to mine.
“Women also often find it easier to fantasise when self-pleasuring than in sex with a partner. The immediacy of someone else’s needs actually inhibits the expression and satisfaction of their own. Some also say they have to imagine that the person making love to them is not the person they know so well.” (p65 Woman’s Experience of Sex 1983)
Women, who say they orgasm from sexual intercourse but do not masturbate, do not necessarily have it all figured out; it’s just that they have no comparison. There is even sometimes an implication that female masturbation may prevent a woman from having an orgasm with a partner. This is, of course, based purely on superstition rather than logic as Shere Hite explains.
“Perhaps if you masturbate, you can get a fixation on your clitoris and are thus unable to come during intercourse.”
“The fact that I’ve been masturbating since I was ten has made it more difficult for me to orgasm vaginally.”
These two quotes came from women who replied to Shere Hite’s survey. She replies: “The truth, however, is just the opposite: masturbation increases your ability to orgasm in general, and also your ability to orgasm during intercourse. Why not? It’s the same stimulation. … Of course, masturbation to orgasm does not automatically enable you to orgasm during intercourse. There is no mystical connection between the two – just the practical experience with orgasm – how it feels and how to get it.” (p51 The Hite Reports – 1993)
Women's psychological sexual arousal
Men’s easy arousal leads to the misconception that sexual arousal relies purely on PHYSICAL stimulation. But anyone who is familiar with orgasm will know that physical stimulation (of the genitals) is only effective if there is accompanying PSYCHOLOGICAL arousal.
So although it is often implied that a woman can become sexually aroused during sex through physical stimulation, including clitoral stimulation, it is highly unlikely that such techniques will lead to female orgasm unless a woman is simultaneously aroused in her mind.
Few men would attempt to reach orgasm without stimulating their penis and yet many experts still claim that clitoral stimulation is not necessary for a woman to orgasm during sex. It is true that women do not tend to approach sex looking for genital stimulation but this is because they are not necessarily in a state of mental arousal where genital stimulation makes sense.
Since relatively few women masturbate, most women are unfamiliar with what orgasm feels like and how to achieve it. Instead of seeking genital stimulation from sex, many women prefer to limit their sexual experiences to vaginal intercourse, called ‘making love’.
After all the role of the clitoris (as the female sex organ) was identified not from women’s experience of sex but from their experience of masturbation. Where as men use EROTIC IMAGES during masturbation, women use EROTIC STORIES to achieve the psychological arousal needed for orgasm. So although female masturbation indicates that a woman needs clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm, it is only effective when combined with the use of sexual fantasies.
Men’s transition from masturbation to sex is relatively straightforward because they become aroused through an appreciation of their partner’s body, which is a natural substitute for images of naked women that they use for masturbation. Women do not tend to use images of naked men for masturbation.
Women use erotic stories during masturbation so why would they use some other mechanism during sex with a partner? It doesn’t make sense to assume that they can find a partner’s naked body arousing enough for orgasm during sex when they don’t use images of naked men during masturbation.
If women do not use fantasy during sex, then how else do they become psychologically aroused? I have spent over 10 years talking to women about sex and some admit that they use sexual fantasies to achieve orgasm with a partner. No one has come up with any other convincing alternatives as yet.
I have tried to use my sexual fantasies during sex with a partner but I have not been able to achieve the focus required. Apparently some women’s fantasies are of a complex nature that makes them unsuitable for use with a partner.
All too often women’s sexual arousal is shrouded in mystery. Even today it is popularly suggested that female orgasm just happens ‘naturally’ or with the assistance of a loving partner. If men need to use eroticism for arousal and genital stimulation for orgasm then it is highly likely that women might need to use similar techniques if they are to experience orgasm.
In similar fashion, people continue to believe that women can hope to reach orgasm with a partner when they have never masturbated. Even though men learn how their sexual arousal works through masturbation the implication is that women can orgasm without the benefit of the same learning process.
The implication of these assumptions is that women would have to be MORE sexual than men if they are assumed to be able to orgasm without the arousal techniques and learning processes that men typically employ.
So although it is often implied that a woman can become sexually aroused during sex through physical stimulation, including clitoral stimulation, it is highly unlikely that such techniques will lead to female orgasm unless a woman is simultaneously aroused in her mind.
Few men would attempt to reach orgasm without stimulating their penis and yet many experts still claim that clitoral stimulation is not necessary for a woman to orgasm during sex. It is true that women do not tend to approach sex looking for genital stimulation but this is because they are not necessarily in a state of mental arousal where genital stimulation makes sense.
Since relatively few women masturbate, most women are unfamiliar with what orgasm feels like and how to achieve it. Instead of seeking genital stimulation from sex, many women prefer to limit their sexual experiences to vaginal intercourse, called ‘making love’.
After all the role of the clitoris (as the female sex organ) was identified not from women’s experience of sex but from their experience of masturbation. Where as men use EROTIC IMAGES during masturbation, women use EROTIC STORIES to achieve the psychological arousal needed for orgasm. So although female masturbation indicates that a woman needs clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm, it is only effective when combined with the use of sexual fantasies.
Men’s transition from masturbation to sex is relatively straightforward because they become aroused through an appreciation of their partner’s body, which is a natural substitute for images of naked women that they use for masturbation. Women do not tend to use images of naked men for masturbation.
Women use erotic stories during masturbation so why would they use some other mechanism during sex with a partner? It doesn’t make sense to assume that they can find a partner’s naked body arousing enough for orgasm during sex when they don’t use images of naked men during masturbation.
If women do not use fantasy during sex, then how else do they become psychologically aroused? I have spent over 10 years talking to women about sex and some admit that they use sexual fantasies to achieve orgasm with a partner. No one has come up with any other convincing alternatives as yet.
I have tried to use my sexual fantasies during sex with a partner but I have not been able to achieve the focus required. Apparently some women’s fantasies are of a complex nature that makes them unsuitable for use with a partner.
All too often women’s sexual arousal is shrouded in mystery. Even today it is popularly suggested that female orgasm just happens ‘naturally’ or with the assistance of a loving partner. If men need to use eroticism for arousal and genital stimulation for orgasm then it is highly likely that women might need to use similar techniques if they are to experience orgasm.
In similar fashion, people continue to believe that women can hope to reach orgasm with a partner when they have never masturbated. Even though men learn how their sexual arousal works through masturbation the implication is that women can orgasm without the benefit of the same learning process.
The implication of these assumptions is that women would have to be MORE sexual than men if they are assumed to be able to orgasm without the arousal techniques and learning processes that men typically employ.
Lack of sexual arousal during sex
Intimacy with a lover makes me feel affectionate but I am rarely conscious of any sexual arousal. In fact, whether it’s sex with a partner or masturbation for that matter, I am usually pretty much stone cold in arousal terms at the start.
I might have concluded that I was frigid if it were not for the fact that I don’t see how other women are any more likely to approach sex just short of an orgasm. The female mind and body simply do not work that way. Equally I don’t see other women being any more actively interested in matters sexual than I am – in fact usually the reverse.
As I have never been able to use fantasy effectively I have always found orgasm difficult to achieve with a partner by any means, whether by using positions and techniques for sexual intercourse or through more direct clitoral stimulation, either manual or oral.
So I found it highly reassuring to read on the GoAskAlice! website that other women have also struggled with orgasm during sex. The website Go Ask Alice! is one of the few sources willing to admit that women rarely orgasm during intercourse. They suggest that women often have to settle for the emotional rewards of sex because it takes women much longer than men to become aroused.
“The vagina itself is a muscular tube of about 8 cm that, when adequately stimulated, expands to fit any size penis with ease. When your partner initially penetrates you, the muscles of the vagina contract and grip the penis. As you continue intercourse and become more turned-on, the vagina expands even further – sometimes so much so, you can’t feel his penis inside you no matter how large it is. This explains why for both partners the initial few thrusts are sometimes the most pleasurable because the vagina feels tighter. For most women, stimulation of the clitoris is necessary to orgasm. Intercourse can indirectly stimulate the clitoris through thrusting but more direct touching with fingers or a tongue is usually more effective.” (p8 Hot Sex 1998).
Attitude and expectation for your sex life
Ironically the less inhibited you are the more disappointing you are likely to find real life because you overlook the simple things like nudity. Sometimes people refer to ‘sexual intimacy’, which comes from a man and a woman sharing the intimacies of sex including nudity, allowing someone to touch the private areas of our bodies and the ultimate act of penetration.
If we were all nuns we could probably make do with sexual fantasies based on vaginal intercourse e.g. sex in public, sex with multiple partners etc. The more we read and imagine beyond the everyday, the more we are likely to need to venture into less comfortable territory. If a fantasy is to help us orgasm then it needs to encompass aspects of sex that we consider to be taboo.
When we explore sexual fantasies, we tend to start on the more innocent side and build up to the more advanced or kinky. The same goes for sex with a partner. For example, most people probably stick to straight intercourse for a first date.
Ask your partner to spend some time preparing your body for sex. Get him to shave your pubic hair completely, which can feel kinky and also makes oral sex easier for the guy. An enema can cause arousal so that even intercourse is more sensitive than normal. Try a blindfold or having your hands tied during sex. Visit a sex shop for other ideas to get the brain going.
As long as you are both keen, consider working out a schedule for building up to fisting and/or anal intercourse. Remember the golden rule with these more advanced techniques: take your time. You should expect to invest serious time in just relaxing, lubricating and exploring with a finger. Information is vital: Em and Lo’s book ‘The Big Bang’ is excellent on both of these.
I might have concluded that I was frigid if it were not for the fact that I don’t see how other women are any more likely to approach sex just short of an orgasm. The female mind and body simply do not work that way. Equally I don’t see other women being any more actively interested in matters sexual than I am – in fact usually the reverse.
As I have never been able to use fantasy effectively I have always found orgasm difficult to achieve with a partner by any means, whether by using positions and techniques for sexual intercourse or through more direct clitoral stimulation, either manual or oral.
So I found it highly reassuring to read on the GoAskAlice! website that other women have also struggled with orgasm during sex. The website Go Ask Alice! is one of the few sources willing to admit that women rarely orgasm during intercourse. They suggest that women often have to settle for the emotional rewards of sex because it takes women much longer than men to become aroused.
“The vagina itself is a muscular tube of about 8 cm that, when adequately stimulated, expands to fit any size penis with ease. When your partner initially penetrates you, the muscles of the vagina contract and grip the penis. As you continue intercourse and become more turned-on, the vagina expands even further – sometimes so much so, you can’t feel his penis inside you no matter how large it is. This explains why for both partners the initial few thrusts are sometimes the most pleasurable because the vagina feels tighter. For most women, stimulation of the clitoris is necessary to orgasm. Intercourse can indirectly stimulate the clitoris through thrusting but more direct touching with fingers or a tongue is usually more effective.” (p8 Hot Sex 1998).
Attitude and expectation for your sex life
Ironically the less inhibited you are the more disappointing you are likely to find real life because you overlook the simple things like nudity. Sometimes people refer to ‘sexual intimacy’, which comes from a man and a woman sharing the intimacies of sex including nudity, allowing someone to touch the private areas of our bodies and the ultimate act of penetration.
If we were all nuns we could probably make do with sexual fantasies based on vaginal intercourse e.g. sex in public, sex with multiple partners etc. The more we read and imagine beyond the everyday, the more we are likely to need to venture into less comfortable territory. If a fantasy is to help us orgasm then it needs to encompass aspects of sex that we consider to be taboo.
When we explore sexual fantasies, we tend to start on the more innocent side and build up to the more advanced or kinky. The same goes for sex with a partner. For example, most people probably stick to straight intercourse for a first date.
Ask your partner to spend some time preparing your body for sex. Get him to shave your pubic hair completely, which can feel kinky and also makes oral sex easier for the guy. An enema can cause arousal so that even intercourse is more sensitive than normal. Try a blindfold or having your hands tied during sex. Visit a sex shop for other ideas to get the brain going.
As long as you are both keen, consider working out a schedule for building up to fisting and/or anal intercourse. Remember the golden rule with these more advanced techniques: take your time. You should expect to invest serious time in just relaxing, lubricating and exploring with a finger. Information is vital: Em and Lo’s book ‘The Big Bang’ is excellent on both of these.
Women have to learn how to orgasm
In the film ‘Shirley Valentine’, Pauline Collins plays Shirley, a middle-aged housewife. Shirley comments: “I’m not particularly fond of it – sex. I think sex is like supermarkets, you know, overrated. Just a lot of pushing and shoving and you still come out with very little in the end.” (Note: this film was set in the days before supermarkets sold everything from microwaves to mobile phones!)
“Many women wonder if their lack of orgasms is due to some underlying emotional or psychological problem. However, this is usually not the case at all. Frequently, not having an orgasm is simply due to unfavourable circumstances, or lack of understanding about how to achieve personal sexual pleasure.” (p13 Dictionary of Sexual Terms 1992)
Shirley reminisces about a conversation where one of her friends comments on their youth: “In those days everyone thought it was a case of – in out, in out, shake it all about. Stars would light up the skies and the earth would tremble.” Shirley laughs at the ignorance of her generation of men who were unaware of the importance of the clitoris and the fact that clitoral stimulation is required for a woman to orgasm.
Modern hopes for fantasy sex
There is an implication that younger generations of women expect to have orgasms from sex either through female masturbation or with the assistance of a more knowledgeable lover. It is assumed that men in more modern times are well-informed about foreplay techniques as well as positions and techniques for sexual intercourse.
Shirley comments: “They think they know it all – the clitoris kids I call them!” We may have more knowledge today but our expectations are correspondingly higher. Young women often don’t know how to orgasm until they try masturbation and learn how to use a vibrator to discover orgasm. Some women find transferring orgasm techniques to sex more difficult.
Women of an older generation often mistakenly assume that younger women have perfect sex lives simply because they live with a man before marriage. That’s just like assuming that all married women enjoy sex. Otherwise why would they be married? It is evident that women seek relationships with men for reasons other than the ‘success’ of a sexual relationship.
“ In reality, the more sexually active you are, the more likely you are to masturbate, regardless of whether you do or don’t have a partner. … Of the women who have discovered its joys, virtually all can masturbate to orgasm …
On the opposite side, if you’re a female who has never masturbated, statistics indicate it’s quite likely you’ve never had an orgasm in your life. Pretty strong support for solo sex! The truth is good girls do do it and if you never have and won’t try, give up now on ever having a fulfilling sex life.
Masturbation is a sure way (and often the only way) to discover what turns you on sexually, and unless you know how to excite yourself, you’ve got zero chance of telling your partner how to.” (p2 Hot Sex 1998)
“Many women wonder if their lack of orgasms is due to some underlying emotional or psychological problem. However, this is usually not the case at all. Frequently, not having an orgasm is simply due to unfavourable circumstances, or lack of understanding about how to achieve personal sexual pleasure.” (p13 Dictionary of Sexual Terms 1992)
Shirley reminisces about a conversation where one of her friends comments on their youth: “In those days everyone thought it was a case of – in out, in out, shake it all about. Stars would light up the skies and the earth would tremble.” Shirley laughs at the ignorance of her generation of men who were unaware of the importance of the clitoris and the fact that clitoral stimulation is required for a woman to orgasm.
Modern hopes for fantasy sex
There is an implication that younger generations of women expect to have orgasms from sex either through female masturbation or with the assistance of a more knowledgeable lover. It is assumed that men in more modern times are well-informed about foreplay techniques as well as positions and techniques for sexual intercourse.
Shirley comments: “They think they know it all – the clitoris kids I call them!” We may have more knowledge today but our expectations are correspondingly higher. Young women often don’t know how to orgasm until they try masturbation and learn how to use a vibrator to discover orgasm. Some women find transferring orgasm techniques to sex more difficult.
Women of an older generation often mistakenly assume that younger women have perfect sex lives simply because they live with a man before marriage. That’s just like assuming that all married women enjoy sex. Otherwise why would they be married? It is evident that women seek relationships with men for reasons other than the ‘success’ of a sexual relationship.
“ In reality, the more sexually active you are, the more likely you are to masturbate, regardless of whether you do or don’t have a partner. … Of the women who have discovered its joys, virtually all can masturbate to orgasm …
On the opposite side, if you’re a female who has never masturbated, statistics indicate it’s quite likely you’ve never had an orgasm in your life. Pretty strong support for solo sex! The truth is good girls do do it and if you never have and won’t try, give up now on ever having a fulfilling sex life.
Masturbation is a sure way (and often the only way) to discover what turns you on sexually, and unless you know how to excite yourself, you’ve got zero chance of telling your partner how to.” (p2 Hot Sex 1998)
Holding men responsible for women's sexual arousal
Quite unfairly, we often blame men for the difficulties that women have with orgasm during sex. For example, it is suggested that by coming too soon men fail to provide enough stimulation through thrusting.
In fact, intercourse is unlikely to provide most women with enough clitoral stimulation regardless of how long the man continues thrusting.
“Closely linked with the traditional pressure on men to maintain long erection and thrusting during intercourse is the idea that it is a man’s role to ‘give’ the woman an orgasm during intercourse. …
In addition to the pressure created by this role, this idea also often puts the man in a no-win situation since the information he has been given – that thrusting during intercourse should bring a woman to orgasm – is faulty. This places him in a vulnerable position, leaving him to doubt his masculinity whenever female orgasm does not occur and also possibly pressuring the woman to fake orgasms.” (p160 The Hite Reports 1993)
Sexual arousal depends on the mind more than the body
Sex advice today often plays on male insecurities by suggesting that a man can ‘give his woman an orgasm’ or even (for heaven’s sake!) multiple orgasms. This is ludicrous. The fact is that most women use fantasy to reach orgasm and no man can control what is going on inside a woman’s head.
A woman can arouse a man simply by revealing her body – this is just the way nature intended things to work and not down to her individual talents (pole & lap dancing aside!). A male lover does not have the same natural advantage because most women do not find the body of a sexual partner as arousing as men do.
Many women do not know how their own sexual arousal works so small wonder that men struggle to find techniques to turn their woman on!
In ‘The Hite Reports’, a male respondent points out: “It seems that women have only recently discovered the nature and depth of their own sexuality… Yet women are angry at men for not understanding their sexuality already… as if men should be experts at something about women that even women didn’t know!” (p182 The Hite Reports 1993)
Touché! Perhaps, because men appear to enjoy sex so spontaneously, women assume they have some innate understanding of sex that we fundamentally lack. So we leave the initiative to the man hoping against all odds that something will happen as if by magic. Unfortunately, women’s sexual arousal and orgasm is not automatic and so pleasuring a woman is not easy.
Older generations of women never hoped for orgasm from their relationships but equally a man never felt obliged to facilitate a woman’s orgasm during sex. The sexual revolution has made men feel just as inadequate as women. The difficulty for modern couples is matching reality with our high expectations fuelled by a much more powerful media.
In fact, intercourse is unlikely to provide most women with enough clitoral stimulation regardless of how long the man continues thrusting.
“Closely linked with the traditional pressure on men to maintain long erection and thrusting during intercourse is the idea that it is a man’s role to ‘give’ the woman an orgasm during intercourse. …
In addition to the pressure created by this role, this idea also often puts the man in a no-win situation since the information he has been given – that thrusting during intercourse should bring a woman to orgasm – is faulty. This places him in a vulnerable position, leaving him to doubt his masculinity whenever female orgasm does not occur and also possibly pressuring the woman to fake orgasms.” (p160 The Hite Reports 1993)
Sexual arousal depends on the mind more than the body
Sex advice today often plays on male insecurities by suggesting that a man can ‘give his woman an orgasm’ or even (for heaven’s sake!) multiple orgasms. This is ludicrous. The fact is that most women use fantasy to reach orgasm and no man can control what is going on inside a woman’s head.
A woman can arouse a man simply by revealing her body – this is just the way nature intended things to work and not down to her individual talents (pole & lap dancing aside!). A male lover does not have the same natural advantage because most women do not find the body of a sexual partner as arousing as men do.
Many women do not know how their own sexual arousal works so small wonder that men struggle to find techniques to turn their woman on!
In ‘The Hite Reports’, a male respondent points out: “It seems that women have only recently discovered the nature and depth of their own sexuality… Yet women are angry at men for not understanding their sexuality already… as if men should be experts at something about women that even women didn’t know!” (p182 The Hite Reports 1993)
Touché! Perhaps, because men appear to enjoy sex so spontaneously, women assume they have some innate understanding of sex that we fundamentally lack. So we leave the initiative to the man hoping against all odds that something will happen as if by magic. Unfortunately, women’s sexual arousal and orgasm is not automatic and so pleasuring a woman is not easy.
Older generations of women never hoped for orgasm from their relationships but equally a man never felt obliged to facilitate a woman’s orgasm during sex. The sexual revolution has made men feel just as inadequate as women. The difficulty for modern couples is matching reality with our high expectations fuelled by a much more powerful media.
Some women do explore sexual pleasure
Slowly attitudes to sexual pleasure are changing and more couples are approaching their sex life with a willingness to try activities other than vaginal intercourse.
This brings welcome variety for men as well as the opportunity for a couple to explore whether more explicit stimulation might increase the woman’s arousal and even lead to orgasm. For example, many women who explore sexual pleasure with a partner find that oral sex is how they enjoy their best orgasms.
“There is no reason why physical intimacy with men should always consist of ‘foreplay’ followed by intercourse and male orgasm; and there is no reason why intercourse must be part of heterosexual sex.” (p34 The Hite Reports 1993)
The pre-orgasmic woman (a woman who can only orgasm during masturbation alone) faces a unique dilemma because of the difficulty she may have in trying to reconcile a sexual relationship without orgasm and her own sexual pleasure.
Presumably, with oral sex becoming more accepted, couples are content when the woman can climax in this way. However, perhaps even for these women there is a similar problem if a couple still feels that ideally orgasms should result from intercourse.
One advantage of vaginal intercourse, when combined with a face-to-face position, is that it allows for the loving aspects of sexual relationships. Equally, for many people, penetration is the greatest turn-on because it symbolises the ultimate act of intimacy with another person. Another form of sex play, that is highly taboo especially for women, is anal sex.
If a woman is open-minded and has a sensitive lover then anal stimulation/penetration combined with clitoral stimulation is likely to lead to orgasm. As with vaginal fisting, a professional lubricant from a sex shop and plenty of time to take things slowly are critical. Try Em & Lo’s book ‘The Big Bang’ on both of these.
Basically, if you are struggling with lack of sexual arousal during sex and genuinely want to share your own arousal with a partner then you will need to be prepared to explore sexual activities other than straight intercourse. This means making some special effort once in a while to spice up your sex life.
“Anal intercourse: This is something which nearly every couple tries once. A few stay with it, usually because the woman finds that it gives her more intense feelings than the normal route and it is pleasantly tight for the man.” (p118 The Joy of Sex 1972)
This brings welcome variety for men as well as the opportunity for a couple to explore whether more explicit stimulation might increase the woman’s arousal and even lead to orgasm. For example, many women who explore sexual pleasure with a partner find that oral sex is how they enjoy their best orgasms.
“There is no reason why physical intimacy with men should always consist of ‘foreplay’ followed by intercourse and male orgasm; and there is no reason why intercourse must be part of heterosexual sex.” (p34 The Hite Reports 1993)
The pre-orgasmic woman (a woman who can only orgasm during masturbation alone) faces a unique dilemma because of the difficulty she may have in trying to reconcile a sexual relationship without orgasm and her own sexual pleasure.
Presumably, with oral sex becoming more accepted, couples are content when the woman can climax in this way. However, perhaps even for these women there is a similar problem if a couple still feels that ideally orgasms should result from intercourse.
One advantage of vaginal intercourse, when combined with a face-to-face position, is that it allows for the loving aspects of sexual relationships. Equally, for many people, penetration is the greatest turn-on because it symbolises the ultimate act of intimacy with another person. Another form of sex play, that is highly taboo especially for women, is anal sex.
If a woman is open-minded and has a sensitive lover then anal stimulation/penetration combined with clitoral stimulation is likely to lead to orgasm. As with vaginal fisting, a professional lubricant from a sex shop and plenty of time to take things slowly are critical. Try Em & Lo’s book ‘The Big Bang’ on both of these.
Basically, if you are struggling with lack of sexual arousal during sex and genuinely want to share your own arousal with a partner then you will need to be prepared to explore sexual activities other than straight intercourse. This means making some special effort once in a while to spice up your sex life.
“Anal intercourse: This is something which nearly every couple tries once. A few stay with it, usually because the woman finds that it gives her more intense feelings than the normal route and it is pleasantly tight for the man.” (p118 The Joy of Sex 1972)
True female sexual arousal and orgasm
Any talk of sexual arousal and orgasm, usually focuses on women since men’s sexual arousal and orgasm tend to be a given.
It is unthinkable that anyone would need to tell a man how to reach orgasm. By the time they are teenagers, boys discover quite naturally how to enjoy their own sexual arousal, by looking at images of naked women. Likewise no one tells a boy that he needs to stimulate his penis if he is to bring his state of arousal to orgasm through masturbation.
Most women never masturbate and so they never learn that real female orgasms arise (just as male orgasms do) from bringing a mental state of sexual arousal to orgasm using genital stimulation of the clitoris.
Given the popular belief that female arousal and orgasm during sex are easily achieved, many women simply assume that they experience these sensations as a natural part of their sexual relationship.
Sexual arousal (using erotic images/fantasies)
We know that men achieve sexual arousal through an appreciation of eroticism (explicitly sexual images) and yet it is often implied that women’s sexual arousal arises from their loving emotions for their partner.
As if we are all as innocent as Snow White, it is rarely acknowledged that if women are to reach orgasm, they will need to make conscious effort to occupy their minds with erotic thoughts or images (a process which happens much more subconsciously for the male mind). Any woman who masturbates accepts that sexual arousal depends on these explicitly erotic concepts.
Young men transition naturally to sex because the body of a real sexual partner substitutes for the images from pornographic magazines. Imagine being a woman, who approaches sex with no hint of an erection! Men’s minds become aroused so instantaneously that we gain the impression that physical stimulation alone gives them an erection (causes sexual arousal).
Women do not react as men do to the sight of naked images (even a lover’s body). This is why women don’t pay men to do lap-dancing, pole-dancing or other sexually provocative teasing using their bodies. Women’s fantasies work well when alone but can be difficult to relate to day-to-day sexual opportunities because they are often based on quite surreal erotic scenarios.
Clitoral stimulation
The only reason anyone would stimulate their genitals (casual curiosity aside) is because they know that with sufficient levels of sexual arousal, genital stimulation leads to orgasm.
For those women who do enjoy eroticism, there is a chance that they will explore their own sexual arousal enough to discover masturbation and to make the connection between genital stimulation (of the clitoris) and orgasm.
We know that women need clitoral stimulation for orgasm from female masturbation. But even during female masturbation, clitoral stimulation only works once a woman has achieved sufficient MENTAL AROUSAL by using sexual fantasies.
The average woman does not approach sex looking for clitoral stimulation because she is unlikely to be sexually aroused enough for genital stimulation to make sense. A woman needs to know how to become mentally aroused before genital stimulation by anyone (either themselves or a partner) can be effective.
Women who masturbate know that they need to use sexual fantasies for arousal during female masturbation. Women are likely to find it much more difficult to use the same techniques during sex with a partner because of the mental focus required to reach orgasm through sexual fantasies alone.
It is unthinkable that anyone would need to tell a man how to reach orgasm. By the time they are teenagers, boys discover quite naturally how to enjoy their own sexual arousal, by looking at images of naked women. Likewise no one tells a boy that he needs to stimulate his penis if he is to bring his state of arousal to orgasm through masturbation.
Most women never masturbate and so they never learn that real female orgasms arise (just as male orgasms do) from bringing a mental state of sexual arousal to orgasm using genital stimulation of the clitoris.
Given the popular belief that female arousal and orgasm during sex are easily achieved, many women simply assume that they experience these sensations as a natural part of their sexual relationship.
Sexual arousal (using erotic images/fantasies)
We know that men achieve sexual arousal through an appreciation of eroticism (explicitly sexual images) and yet it is often implied that women’s sexual arousal arises from their loving emotions for their partner.
As if we are all as innocent as Snow White, it is rarely acknowledged that if women are to reach orgasm, they will need to make conscious effort to occupy their minds with erotic thoughts or images (a process which happens much more subconsciously for the male mind). Any woman who masturbates accepts that sexual arousal depends on these explicitly erotic concepts.
Young men transition naturally to sex because the body of a real sexual partner substitutes for the images from pornographic magazines. Imagine being a woman, who approaches sex with no hint of an erection! Men’s minds become aroused so instantaneously that we gain the impression that physical stimulation alone gives them an erection (causes sexual arousal).
Women do not react as men do to the sight of naked images (even a lover’s body). This is why women don’t pay men to do lap-dancing, pole-dancing or other sexually provocative teasing using their bodies. Women’s fantasies work well when alone but can be difficult to relate to day-to-day sexual opportunities because they are often based on quite surreal erotic scenarios.
Clitoral stimulation
The only reason anyone would stimulate their genitals (casual curiosity aside) is because they know that with sufficient levels of sexual arousal, genital stimulation leads to orgasm.
For those women who do enjoy eroticism, there is a chance that they will explore their own sexual arousal enough to discover masturbation and to make the connection between genital stimulation (of the clitoris) and orgasm.
We know that women need clitoral stimulation for orgasm from female masturbation. But even during female masturbation, clitoral stimulation only works once a woman has achieved sufficient MENTAL AROUSAL by using sexual fantasies.
The average woman does not approach sex looking for clitoral stimulation because she is unlikely to be sexually aroused enough for genital stimulation to make sense. A woman needs to know how to become mentally aroused before genital stimulation by anyone (either themselves or a partner) can be effective.
Women who masturbate know that they need to use sexual fantasies for arousal during female masturbation. Women are likely to find it much more difficult to use the same techniques during sex with a partner because of the mental focus required to reach orgasm through sexual fantasies alone.
The facts of female sexuality
(1) Women need clitoral stimulation for orgasm
The experts concluded decades ago (in the 1970’s) that the clitoral stimulation resulting from vaginal intercourse is likely to be insufficient to allow most women to orgasm.
So, it is very likely that any woman who claims easy orgasm during intercourse is mistaken. Especially given so few women masturbate and so most do not know what orgasm is. Women’s talk of the relationship and loving emotions also indicates a misunderstanding about the nature of orgasm.
Since the clitoris is the female sex organ, most women are likely to find orgasm much easier through oral or manual stimulation of the clitoris. Yet most women are shocked by the idea of masturbation and oral sex.
Relatively few women say that they enjoy female masturbation as a regular adult activity for the purpose of enjoying arousal and orgasm. So if they don’t know how to achieve their own sexual arousal and orgasm, how would they be able to reach orgasm during sex with partner?
Women who are familiar with orgasm from female masturbation, do question a lack of orgasm during sex. Unfortunately, their sexual experiences are often dismissed as being sexually inadequate because there are other women who are claiming that orgasm with a partner is easy.
I have never found that clitoral stimulation (foreplay or masturbation) helps with sexual arousal during vaginal intercourse. It would be interesting to know how many women have the same experience and also whether other women are able to overcome these difficulties with sexual arousal during sex.
(2) Women do not use images of naked men for arousal
So women use sexual fantasies during female masturbation but no one suggests what they are supposed to substitute during sex with a partner. The underlying assumption is that female sexuality means that women approach sex from a similar standpoint to men – just short of an orgasm.
Understandably, it is difficult for a man to know what it’s like to be a woman. There is nothing wrong with women just because they don’t respond sexually as men do. As long as men keep hoping that women should respond sexually as men do then they will always think women are dysfunctional.
Women use fantasy because they have to raise their arousal levels from a much lower base level than men tend to have at the start of any sexual activity (masturbation or sex). I can vouch for this in respect of female masturbation. Sadly female sexuality involves women being much less highly sexed than men.
Women are not full of testosterone (the sex hormone) and do not use images of naked men for orgasm during female masturbation (women use sexual fantasiesy). So what makes us think that they can become aroused as easily as men do during sex with a partner?
How else do women achieve orgasm with a partner unless it is through the use of fantasy? I have found no one who can explain how women are supposed to use sexual fantasies during sex.
I am asking other women to tell me whether they have been able to use fantasy during sex with a partner. If they do not use fantasy then I would be interested to know what they do use for sexual arousal.
This is not a competition. My aim is to collect more facts and information about women’s sexual experiences so that more couples can benefit from knowledge about female sexuality.
The experts concluded decades ago (in the 1970’s) that the clitoral stimulation resulting from vaginal intercourse is likely to be insufficient to allow most women to orgasm.
So, it is very likely that any woman who claims easy orgasm during intercourse is mistaken. Especially given so few women masturbate and so most do not know what orgasm is. Women’s talk of the relationship and loving emotions also indicates a misunderstanding about the nature of orgasm.
Since the clitoris is the female sex organ, most women are likely to find orgasm much easier through oral or manual stimulation of the clitoris. Yet most women are shocked by the idea of masturbation and oral sex.
Relatively few women say that they enjoy female masturbation as a regular adult activity for the purpose of enjoying arousal and orgasm. So if they don’t know how to achieve their own sexual arousal and orgasm, how would they be able to reach orgasm during sex with partner?
Women who are familiar with orgasm from female masturbation, do question a lack of orgasm during sex. Unfortunately, their sexual experiences are often dismissed as being sexually inadequate because there are other women who are claiming that orgasm with a partner is easy.
I have never found that clitoral stimulation (foreplay or masturbation) helps with sexual arousal during vaginal intercourse. It would be interesting to know how many women have the same experience and also whether other women are able to overcome these difficulties with sexual arousal during sex.
(2) Women do not use images of naked men for arousal
So women use sexual fantasies during female masturbation but no one suggests what they are supposed to substitute during sex with a partner. The underlying assumption is that female sexuality means that women approach sex from a similar standpoint to men – just short of an orgasm.
Understandably, it is difficult for a man to know what it’s like to be a woman. There is nothing wrong with women just because they don’t respond sexually as men do. As long as men keep hoping that women should respond sexually as men do then they will always think women are dysfunctional.
Women use fantasy because they have to raise their arousal levels from a much lower base level than men tend to have at the start of any sexual activity (masturbation or sex). I can vouch for this in respect of female masturbation. Sadly female sexuality involves women being much less highly sexed than men.
Women are not full of testosterone (the sex hormone) and do not use images of naked men for orgasm during female masturbation (women use sexual fantasiesy). So what makes us think that they can become aroused as easily as men do during sex with a partner?
How else do women achieve orgasm with a partner unless it is through the use of fantasy? I have found no one who can explain how women are supposed to use sexual fantasies during sex.
I am asking other women to tell me whether they have been able to use fantasy during sex with a partner. If they do not use fantasy then I would be interested to know what they do use for sexual arousal.
This is not a competition. My aim is to collect more facts and information about women’s sexual experiences so that more couples can benefit from knowledge about female sexuality.
Wednesday, 14 October 2009
The truth about female sexuality
Sex is a difficult subject to analyse because it relies on our emotions rather than our powers of logical reasoning. How many women have been as interested in sex as I have been?
Having masturbated since the age of seventeen, I knew that orgasm was missing from sex. I consulted sex experts and had it confirmed that my partner and I are completely normal. I have read extensively and have my own personal library of erotica and sex manuals. I have explored sex with a partner on a regular basis over many years. I have spent over ten years writing about sex and talking to others about sex.
Despite this experience, all it takes is one sixteen-year-old to claim that sexual arousal and orgasm was easy for her the first time and every time or one twenty-something-year-old to talk about multiple orgasms. Suddenly, anyone’s interest in a more realistic discussion deflates like a balloon – we all prefer the more sensational report. And yet these claims do not tally with anyone’s real-life experiences of sex.
I may be doubting women’s claims of easy orgasm during sex but I am certainly not anti-sex – quite the reverse. I am asking: why do so many women dislike the eroticism that lies at the heart of our sexuality and our enjoyment of our sexual arousal?
I want to put an end to the intimidating and humiliating advice that is typically given to young women today. The fact is that any woman who asks about lack of sexual arousal during sex is very unlikely to:
Be ignorant of the basic sexual facts;
Have emotional hang-ups about sex;
Be psychologically traumatised in some way;
Be sexually inhibited;
Be lacking the appropriate loving feelings for her partner.
And yet, I have been patronised and humiliated with all of these opinions by amateurs and professionals alike even as an experienced woman (over the age of thirty five). It is a crime that this ’sex advice’ is given to young women on the web every day.
The FACTS of female sexuality are lost: (1) that women need clitoral stimulation for orgasm and (2) that women are likely to find it difficult to use their sexual fantasies effectively during sex with a partner.
If my experiences were truly abnormal in some way, then others would be more sympathetic. They would be able to explain how they are able to overcome the known facts about female sexuality instead of claiming that it all happens ‘naturally’.
I have no agenda. I am not trying to make money out of anyone. I am simply trying to establish some facts and provide other couples with more logical and realistic information about female sexuality.
Having masturbated since the age of seventeen, I knew that orgasm was missing from sex. I consulted sex experts and had it confirmed that my partner and I are completely normal. I have read extensively and have my own personal library of erotica and sex manuals. I have explored sex with a partner on a regular basis over many years. I have spent over ten years writing about sex and talking to others about sex.
Despite this experience, all it takes is one sixteen-year-old to claim that sexual arousal and orgasm was easy for her the first time and every time or one twenty-something-year-old to talk about multiple orgasms. Suddenly, anyone’s interest in a more realistic discussion deflates like a balloon – we all prefer the more sensational report. And yet these claims do not tally with anyone’s real-life experiences of sex.
I may be doubting women’s claims of easy orgasm during sex but I am certainly not anti-sex – quite the reverse. I am asking: why do so many women dislike the eroticism that lies at the heart of our sexuality and our enjoyment of our sexual arousal?
I want to put an end to the intimidating and humiliating advice that is typically given to young women today. The fact is that any woman who asks about lack of sexual arousal during sex is very unlikely to:
Be ignorant of the basic sexual facts;
Have emotional hang-ups about sex;
Be psychologically traumatised in some way;
Be sexually inhibited;
Be lacking the appropriate loving feelings for her partner.
And yet, I have been patronised and humiliated with all of these opinions by amateurs and professionals alike even as an experienced woman (over the age of thirty five). It is a crime that this ’sex advice’ is given to young women on the web every day.
The FACTS of female sexuality are lost: (1) that women need clitoral stimulation for orgasm and (2) that women are likely to find it difficult to use their sexual fantasies effectively during sex with a partner.
If my experiences were truly abnormal in some way, then others would be more sympathetic. They would be able to explain how they are able to overcome the known facts about female sexuality instead of claiming that it all happens ‘naturally’.
I have no agenda. I am not trying to make money out of anyone. I am simply trying to establish some facts and provide other couples with more logical and realistic information about female sexuality.
Foreplay techniques
Foreplay has evolved as a means of compensating women for the lack of clitoral stimulation during intercourse. The concept behind foreplay techniques (including clitoral stimulation) is that a man should be able to arouse a woman sufficiently to enable him to continue stimulating her to orgasm through thrusting alone.
One problem with foreplay is that clitoral stimulation needs to continue to the point of orgasm. (Imagine leaving off penile stimulation just as a man heads for orgasm!)
More fundamentally though, foreplay techniques do not necessarily assist with women’s arousal because sexual arousal depends more on a person’s psychological state than on physical stimulation.
A man enjoys kissing and intimate touching, partly because of his resulting erection. His erection demonstrates his sexual appreciation for his partner. In other words, it is a compliment. If a man has difficulty achieving an erection, it is easy to arouse him by kissing his mouth, stroking his body or masturbating his penis (just for starters!).
The same pattern does not work for the majority of women for the following reasons:
Women do not have the spontaneous sexual arousal men tend to have from the start.
Women do not find the naked body of a sexual partner as arousing as men tend to.
As a result of these two points, a woman is not turned on enough in her mind to respond to physical stimulation in the same way that a man does. This means that it is quite normal for a woman to experience a lack of sexual arousal during sex. Many women don’t know how their own arousal works so small wonder that men struggle to find techniques to arouse their woman.
Women’s sexual arousal is not automatic
It is sexual fact: women do not enjoy the same easy and spontaneous sexual arousal and orgasm that men do. The misconception that intercourse is as easily pleasurable for women as it is for men, leads to many men to hope for a long-term sex life without accepting the need to offer their partner some pleasure.
Women may enjoy admiring a man’s body in a tight pair of jeans (or even completely naked) but not usually so much that we orgasm spontaneously. So during masturbation, while men look at pictures of naked women, women tend to use highly explicit sexual fantasies. Since women do not find the body of a sexual partner arousing enough to orgasm, it’s likely that they will need to use their fantasies during sex to achieve orgasm.
“The naked truth is that women are more likely to be attracted to a man when he has his clothes on.” (p28 Bluffer’s guide to Women 1998)
Women’s sexual arousal and orgasm is not automatic. So most women do not tend to reach a state of sexual arousal that could lead quickly to orgasm from just looking at a man and contemplating sex. Worse than that – when we approach sex with a partner (or masturbation for that matter) we tend to be stone cold in arousal terms. In other words, women do not start a sex session just short of an orgasm.
“Women aren’t automatically excited the way men are. But men seem to expect us to be turned on, and they’re annoyed when it doesn’t happen.” (p10 Why Men don’t get enough Sex and Women don’t get enough Love 1994)
Men have an automatic response to the sex hormone testosterone (e.g. a younger man’s early morning erection) as well as becoming aroused by seeing or touching an attractive woman. Women do not experience the same kind of spontaneous sexual arousal. Since they have fewer ‘natural’ aids for sexual arousal, women’s sexual arousal relies on sexual fantasies even during sex with a partner.
One problem with foreplay is that clitoral stimulation needs to continue to the point of orgasm. (Imagine leaving off penile stimulation just as a man heads for orgasm!)
More fundamentally though, foreplay techniques do not necessarily assist with women’s arousal because sexual arousal depends more on a person’s psychological state than on physical stimulation.
A man enjoys kissing and intimate touching, partly because of his resulting erection. His erection demonstrates his sexual appreciation for his partner. In other words, it is a compliment. If a man has difficulty achieving an erection, it is easy to arouse him by kissing his mouth, stroking his body or masturbating his penis (just for starters!).
The same pattern does not work for the majority of women for the following reasons:
Women do not have the spontaneous sexual arousal men tend to have from the start.
Women do not find the naked body of a sexual partner as arousing as men tend to.
As a result of these two points, a woman is not turned on enough in her mind to respond to physical stimulation in the same way that a man does. This means that it is quite normal for a woman to experience a lack of sexual arousal during sex. Many women don’t know how their own arousal works so small wonder that men struggle to find techniques to arouse their woman.
Women’s sexual arousal is not automatic
It is sexual fact: women do not enjoy the same easy and spontaneous sexual arousal and orgasm that men do. The misconception that intercourse is as easily pleasurable for women as it is for men, leads to many men to hope for a long-term sex life without accepting the need to offer their partner some pleasure.
Women may enjoy admiring a man’s body in a tight pair of jeans (or even completely naked) but not usually so much that we orgasm spontaneously. So during masturbation, while men look at pictures of naked women, women tend to use highly explicit sexual fantasies. Since women do not find the body of a sexual partner arousing enough to orgasm, it’s likely that they will need to use their fantasies during sex to achieve orgasm.
“The naked truth is that women are more likely to be attracted to a man when he has his clothes on.” (p28 Bluffer’s guide to Women 1998)
Women’s sexual arousal and orgasm is not automatic. So most women do not tend to reach a state of sexual arousal that could lead quickly to orgasm from just looking at a man and contemplating sex. Worse than that – when we approach sex with a partner (or masturbation for that matter) we tend to be stone cold in arousal terms. In other words, women do not start a sex session just short of an orgasm.
“Women aren’t automatically excited the way men are. But men seem to expect us to be turned on, and they’re annoyed when it doesn’t happen.” (p10 Why Men don’t get enough Sex and Women don’t get enough Love 1994)
Men have an automatic response to the sex hormone testosterone (e.g. a younger man’s early morning erection) as well as becoming aroused by seeing or touching an attractive woman. Women do not experience the same kind of spontaneous sexual arousal. Since they have fewer ‘natural’ aids for sexual arousal, women’s sexual arousal relies on sexual fantasies even during sex with a partner.
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