What if female sexuality truly equalled male sexuality?

Imagine the scenario: a man and a woman facing each other, naked, in a world where men and women have an identical sex drive.
So, of course, they are both standing there with an erection. Just to be clear: the man has an erect penis and the woman has an erect clitoris.
Would they mutually choose to engage in vaginal intercourse? No because intercourse does not stimulate the clitoris enough for a woman to orgasm. Even a man is unlikely to orgasm if his penis were merely rubbed gently in passing…
So the ‘sexually equal’ couple would presumably prefer oral sex or mutual masturbation. This way both sexes could enjoy equal genital stimulation.
Would Nature be happy? No because these activities are not reproductive and so the human race would die out. After all, the PRIME purpose of sex is reproduction. Sexual pleasure is merely a by-product.
Men are fortunate where sex is concerned. A man’s penis is both his sex organ as well as a reproductive organ (also the testes or testicles). Male orgasm (ejaculation in particular) is required for successful reproduction. Men need penile stimulation for orgasm and so vaginal intercourse provides sufficient stimulation for male orgasm.
Women are not so lucky. Their sex organ is the clitoris but their reproductive organs include the vagina, the uterus (womb) and the ovaries (where the eggs are stored). The clitoris is not involved in reproduction and neither is female orgasm. So unfortunately, vaginal intercourse does not provide sufficient clitoral stimulation for female orgasm.
Women who claim to reach orgasm from intercourse alone are mistaken
Sex is designed to provide men with sexual pleasure and orgasm for reproductive reasons. Conversely, sex is NOT designed to provide women with sexual arousal or orgasm because female orgasm is irrelevant to human reproduction.
If women were able to orgasm through vaginal intercourse and without any clitoral stimulation, it would imply that women are MORE HIGHLY SEXED than men. Even men need DIRECT penile stimulation for orgasm.
So anyone who claims that women orgasm during vaginal intercourse is mistaken. Of course, women are known to fake both their own sexual arousal and orgasm. Equally many women simply assume that they orgasm during intercourse because they have no knowledge of what orgasm. This explains why so few women ask about lack of orgasm.
It is only women who are familiar with orgasm from masturbation who realise that orgasm is missing from sex with a partner.
“Nevertheless, many women prefer intercourse to masturbation because it gives them additional sensual benefits such as being held and being kissed and also makes them part of a spontaneous give and take.” (p587 Human Sexuality (fifth edition) 1995)
Vaginal intercourse, from a woman’s perspective, feels much the same as affectionate hugging since the vagina has few nerve endings and so there is little sensation from thrusting.
Women have evolved a willingness to co-operate with men’s sex drive and provide men with sexual pleasure so that they are impregnated. Vaginal intercourse provides women with an easy way of satisfying a man with the least inconvenience to herself.

Male nudity does not lead to women's sexual arousal

The naked male body can be a beautiful sight and yet our heterosexual society is dominated by images of women’s bodies. The ancient Greeks were more relaxed about homosexuality and their statues show their appreciation of the sensual male nude.
Gay men certainly appreciate the naked male form, including male genitals. Since women tend to be shocked by male nudity, especially genitals, they are censored in our society. Women admire men more for their status or achievements: in smart dress or uniform.
In 1991 Andrew Stanway’s film ‘The Lover’s Guide’ was a break-through in British censorship of films for general release. He was allowed to show the erect penis for the first time but only because his films were intended for educational purposes.
The film ‘The Wedding Date’ includes a scene where Dermot Mulroney is very relaxed about appearing naked in front of a woman (as if!). The woman’s horrified reaction to a man’s genitals not only indicates how female sexuality differs to male sexuality but also provides a clue as to why women’s sexual arousal is much more elusive with a partner.
Men have more to lose by appearing naked because their erection betrays their intimate thoughts. Men don’t want to expose themselves for fear of being sized up or becoming aroused under scrutiny (’The Full Monty’ film indicates men’s insecurities over nudity).
Men’s sexual arousal arises from looking at images of the naked body of a sexual partner, which explains the daily sales of pornographic magazines. Women, who have explored eroticism and learned about their own sexual arousal through female masturbation, will know that female sexual arousal arises more from the context of relationships and sexual scenarios (sexual fantasies) than from images of the male body.
My own nakedness has never bothered me but men’s interest in women’s bodies teaches us to become self-conscious. Women’s bodies are constantly being scrutinised not only by men but also by women. Anyone with a less than perfect body is ridiculed because the assumption is that any women displaying her body in public must be trying to attract male attention.
The film ‘The Calendar Girls’ tells the story of a group of middle-aged women who posed naked, but tastefully, for a calendar. It caused uproar because they were not young women with flawless bodies but women who had given birth or grown old.
Nudity causes men to think about sex even more than usual and they mistakenly assume that women have the same sexual motivations. While I was sunbathing on a nudist beach, one woman bent over to get suncream out of her bag and my partner suggested that she must have done so deliberately so that the men on the beach could enjoy looking at her genitals.
The fact is that she was much more likely to be just getting sun cream out of her bag! That comment made me aware of needing to keep my legs firmly together on the beach. I have been most relaxed when on a gay nudist beach in Mikonos, Greece because I didn’t have to worry that anyone might assume that I was sunbathing nude as a means of making a sexual invitation.

Why do women not always appreciate displays of male sexuality?

have never seen any reason to be embarrassed about my body. I am pretty. I have sensual skin that browns easily and a slim but curvy figure. My parents were always very open and relaxed about nudity. So when I was eighteen and had the chance to go top-less sunbathing in the South of France it all seemed very natural. Why have those bikini lines that make your breasts look like icebergs?
One day, as I was lying there on the popular pebble beach desperately trying to tan, I heard… “Just look at all those tits!” As a sailor’s voice carried across the water: the British Navy had arrived.
I looked out to sea and there was the naval ship. So I was less than surprised when half an hour later (they’re quick those boys!) my sunlight was being blocked by a very pleasant young sailor. Of course, he wanted to know all about me. It was my afternoon off and, since he was only in port for a few hours, I didn’t see much point in getting to know him. We talked and he walked me back to my apartment. Sorry, nothing happened…
Some men like to display their male sexuality by aiming sexual remarks at women. That summer I was occasionally offended by men’s appreciation for my sexual attributes. ‘Hey, you with the big tits!’ (they’re not especially big) was once shouted at me from across the road. I can’t say that I’ve ever wanted to be singled out for my tits. It’s nice to have some but how to explain to a man…
It’s the way the man shouted for all to hear. It made me feel, not like a person, but like an object to be ogled at without any sensitivity and also with the implicit knowledge that I could not retaliate by shouting something similar back. How do you make a man feel like a piece of sexual meat? female sexuality does not tend to include such vocal displays of appreciation for the sexual anatomy of the opposite sex. So it can be difficult to understand.
Imagine you had to wear your penis on your chest under your tee shirt but essentially for the whole world to see. Would you appreciate comments from women about the size of your sexual attributes? Men may feel that it can never be insulting to be big. Well as a woman you can be both too small and too big. We are all sensitive about being identified as unusually different.
So when you approach a woman and you think she is just dying to be told how big her breasts are – give it some thought. Men sometimes say that they would love any sexual compliments from women. Maybe. Just think how you would feel if a gay man picks you out for sexual compliments.
Well there’s a parallel here. Sexual remarks are all very nice when you are the one who is dishing them out. Women often don’t feel that they are in control. They are not necessarily the ones singling out the man they find attractive. Sexual compliments are only appreciated if you find the other person sexually attractive and women often take longer to decide on this point than men. Women’s sexual arousal is not driven by looking at naked images of men so we have less to gain from physical intimacy with the opposite sex.
For the most part, my experience is that male commentary is most often not intended to be offensive. I enjoy being whistled at by passing men and I always smile and wave back. Even quite recently, a passing French man made some remark I did not entirely understand “Nice arse” or similar and seemed surprised when I thanked him for the sexual compliment.
Once in informal company I used an impolite four-lettered word for a woman’s private parts. I was surprised that even in this day and age the women were shocked by the mention of such a word. Of course, the men said nothing.
I have always told my young daughters to use a five-lettered word for their sexual anatomy (beginning with ‘p’ just in case anyone is offended), which I consider to be about as rude as the word ‘willy’. I was really quite angry when our young nanny told them to use the phrase ‘front-bottom’ instead. It seems that women are insulted even when someone makes any explicit reference to their genitals.

Male sexuality

Men have to deal with sexual frustration on a daily basis so their ability to orgasm is vitally important to them. Faking illustrates how women are more concerned about keeping their partners happy or not appearing inadequate than they are interested in reaching orgasm. Otherwise, presumably they would admit their problem and try to find a solution.
“Biologically and hormonally, men are much more driven to be sexual than women are.” (p86 Mars & Venus in the Bedroom 1995)
Likewise, the debate over which body part needs to be stimulated to cause orgasm (clitoral stimulation is needed for female orgasm) arises because many women don’t know how to orgasm. It is unthinkable that a man would not know that his penis is the source of his orgasm because men tend to know how to achieve their own orgasm.
In relatively new relationships, the novelty of the experience is arousing enough for a man to reach orgasm regardless of his partner’s response. His own sexual arousal is his top priority for his sex life and he does not need to be assured of a woman’s sexual fulfilment.
“In the beginning of a relationship, sexual arousal is much more automatic and quick for a man.” (p15 Mars & Venus in the Bedroom 1995)
Later on, sexual arousal is no longer as automatic so a man needs to build some variety and sexual fantasies around what can become a repetitive act within long-term sexual relationships. The man now looks for a more involved sexual partner who knows how to pleasure a man by engaging on his sexual fantasies and sexual arousal.
“The bottom line of what makes sex fulfilling and memorable for a man is a woman’s fulfilment. When a man is successful in fulfilling her, he feels most fulfilled.” (p70 Mars & Venus in the Bedroom 1995)
Men want to hold onto their sexual fantasies
Men tend to be so absorbed in their own sexual arousal and need for orgasm that they are usually quite oblivious to how women feel. Men have difficulty empathising with the female perspective for a variety of reasons:
They want to hold on to their sexual fantasies
They fear losing out on opportunities to have sex
We often hold men responsible for women’s sexual arousal and men are pressured by feeling inadequate
They are led to expect that a woman should keep a man happy in bed
“Men’s illusions about women are long on fantasy and short on reality and are often based on male-oriented published material … These media stereotypes become the stuff of male fantasy, even, though as any woman knows, they bear little resemblance to the vast majority of real women either emotionally or sexually. … Of course, the more experience a man has with women in the real world, the more clearly he realises how inaccurate the media and locker-room stereotypes are. He continues to hold on to his illusions, however, because he lacks anything more reliable with which to replace them.” (p79 How Men can get more Sex and Women can get more Love 1994)

Women who appear to want sexual pleasure

When I was 21, I met an Italian boy during a stay in Rome. Alfredo was tall and slim. He cared about how he dressed and would often check his appearance in the mirror. I teased him because I thought that even for women blatent personal vanity was undesirable.
In the day, Alfredo wore designer sunglasses and looked the part of the Italian Romeo or Casenova, if you like. One evening before going out together, I noticed that he was wearing eye make-up.
At first I thought it odd but then I thought that film stars wear make-up. I decided that it was a compliment that the man I was with had gone to the effort of making himself attractive. It’s a shame that more men don’t spend time and money on making the most of their looks.
Men often assume that it is only women who need to attract a lover. Dressing attractively is strongly associated with women and gays (who both dress to attract men), so many straight men see their disregard for their looks as a sign of their male sexuality.
Although women’s sexual arousal (having a clitoral erection) does not result from seeing an attractive man (as a man’s might from seeing a woman’s body), they do appreciate a lover who looks sexy. It’s also a sign of respect towards your lover – how else will a man encourage his woman to jump on him from time to time?
Women may dress provocatively in order to attract male attention but they expect to be able to accept the attentions only of the man they want. This sexual behavior can be highly misleading to men who assume that women are indicating a general enthusiasm for sexual pleasure. This tendency for men to misinterpret women’s motivations explains why, in more conservative societies, women have to cover up their bodies more than we do in the West.
Men often don’t understand that when you are an attractive woman you get a great deal of attention when you look good. It’s not just men that notice. Women dress up and make themselves up as much to be noticed and admired by other women as by men. After all it’s probably a given that a man will notice an attractive woman whatever she wears.
But women assess another woman’s looks much more critically than any man does. So when a woman dresses provocatively it is more about competing with other women according to feminine values of attractiveness than about appealing sexually to men. For example, men would not necessarily define their ideal woman in terms of the fashion industry e.g. skeletally thin.
I have never felt it necessary to dress in a sexually provocatively way. I am lucky to be naturally attractive so I have never had a problem being able to attract the men I want. Men don’t always appreciate women’s use of make-up and my male lovers have been pleased that I don’t wear it. I didn’t see the point in encouraging yet more passing compliments and advances from men.
Consequently I am always amazed when women claim to be unaware of the effect that the sight of their body can have on a man. Perhaps they have difficulty understanding because women do not become sexually aroused (get an erection) at the sight of a naked male body. In fact, most women probably prefer to see a man dressed in a style that indicates his social status – e.g. James Bond in black tie evening suit and Richard Gere in ‘Officer and a Gentleman’.
Men often assume that women respond as men do but male sexuality is very different to female sexuality. Women are not fascinated by genitals, either their own or those of the opposite sex. It’s almost as if genitals do not exist. Or if they do the connection is with going to the bathroom. After puberty, men’s sexual reaction to nudity is so strong that they imagine somehow that women experience something similar. Sorry, but no.

The marvel of male sexuality

The film ‘The way we were’ (1973) stars Barbra Streisand (I’m a fan) and Robert Redford (the Brad Pitt of my mother’s generation).
She’s the young woman from a humble background driven by political ideals; he’s the young man from a privileged family who has no ideals. Of course she’s a virgin and she ends up one night with him in the bed naked. He’s so drunk that he’s just thrown up in her bathroom.
But none the less she hopes that he will notice that he has a naked woman next to him: she undresses and gets in beside him. Well we’re watching movies so, of course, he revives enough to climb on top of her.
It’s not clear what happens but enough for her to ask afterwards: “You realise it’s me, Katie?” Her main concern is not orgasm but that she should matter to him; that he should care about her as a person.
Instinctively we do not expect a woman to enjoy an equal sexual pleasure from sex. Neither do we expect her to approach sex insisting on her own orgasm before his. Nature has designed women to be more co-operative and accommodating than men.
When a woman has sex with a man she marvels at his ability to perform sexually. We have no similar experience. A man’s sexual passion for a woman can be intoxicating. The marvel of sex, for a woman, is not her own arousal but that of her man.
This is the true glory of sex.
The woman’s sexual arousal is a different and less romantic story. Why do bridal magazines rarely discuss a woman’s aspirations for her sexual relationship? Of course women think that to keep a man happy they must simply be attractive. So they diet, they eliminate body hair and they put on make-up. The fact is that most men want a woman to be more adventurous in bed.
Men feel guilty if it is suggested that women get less out of sex than they do. They shouldn’t. Women enjoy their children; men enjoy sex. The travesty of the sexual revolution was that it set false hopes for women with sexual aspirations. Women cannot be men any more than men can be women. Neither can women hope to experience sex the exact same way a man experiences it.
Sex is a gift that a woman offers to a man she loves. She offers her body for his pleasure without necessarily hoping for anything in return except his devotion to her. In the end, all any of us want is to be loved and appreciated – just in different ways.
Boys grow up trying to impress their fathers. Perhaps they don’t realise that girls are never able to impress men in the same way. When a woman offers a man sex, she can enjoy being the object of his sexual desire, the key to his sexual arousal and orgasm. The woman hopes for his adoration of her beauty and his appreciation of her ability to arouse him sexually.
That sexual adulation is important because a woman worries that if it’s not there then he may be devoted to someone else. Sex is the barometer of the relationship but more importantly the sign of the man’s commitment to the woman and her goals for family. Sadly this novelty wears off and male sexual arousal is not so automatic after years with the same partner.
The couple’s sexual relationship comes under pressure because men look to sex for their emotional sense of well-being. I have certainly questioned why I have needed to make effort when I have less to gain directly from sex. It’s important for men to realise that over the longer-term they need to overcome their inhibitions and communicate over sex and relationship issues.

Female masturbation

Masturbation is a crucial stage in the development of male sexuality where boys learn how to bring their state of sexual arousal to orgasm. Against all logic, it is often implied that a woman can hope for orgasm from her sexual relationship without the need for the same learning process.

Some women say that they have masturbated but that they found the activity uninteresting or lacking in emotional context. I remember as a teenager occasionally experimenting by touching my body, in the bath for instance, just to see if anything sexual might happen. Of course it never did because women’s sexual arousal and orgasm is not automatic like a man’s tends to be.

Any ineffectual touching of a person’s genitals could be described as masturbation and little girls often touch themselves in this casual way. A better definition would be to describe masturbation as an activity where a person has at least the intention of enjoying sexual arousal and orgasm.
Unfortunately, no one ever spells out that, just as men use pictures during masturbation, women need to use highly explicit sexual fantasies. Any woman who learns how to masturbate herself to orgasm is likely to be motivated to engage in the activity.

Positive benefits of female masturbation

If they do discover masturbation to orgasm, women are typically older than their male peers and often they have already had the experience of a sexual relationship. Unfortunately female masturbation is relatively uncommon and so many women are unfamiliar with orgasm. A woman needs the opportunity and privacy to explore her own body’s responses, usually during a period of being single. The clitoris is naturally (because it is the female sex organ) the focus for women’s physical stimulation. Women use erotica and sexual fantasies for psychological arousal.

“…many boys, and nearly all girls, are taught that masturbation is evil, … This is nonsense, of course; masturbation has several very positive values, especially for women.… In childhood and adolescence it teaches a girl to explore her body and not to be ashamed of its shape, its texture, and its surfaces. It teaches her, especially, not to be ashamed of touching and playing with her genitals. It does more. It helps a girl become aware of her response to sexual stimuli and to recognize the stages of sexual arousal. And it enables a girl to develop her own sexuality – to know what she enjoys and what she dislikes – which is important if she is to be fulfilled sexually later.” (p107 EveryMan 1980)

On the positive side, masturbation is an innocent pleasure that has no harmful side effects either for the individual or for the couple’s sexual relationship. Women can learn how to orgasm by combining their sexual fantasies with genital simulation if they are provided with knowledge about their bodies and their sexual psychology.

By Jane Thomas founder of Ways Women Orgasm http://www.wayswomenorgasm.org

Female Masturbation is Relatively Uncommon

Carolyn, a relationship counselor in her fifties, told me she thought it unwise to positively encourage female masturbation. She did not give her reasons.

"Many women think of masturbation as unnatural and disgusting and a complete waste of time, and don't understand why anybody does it and are unsympathetic to the view that people might continue to do it even though they have sexual partners. The majority of men, though they may keep their feelings to themselves, don't agree." (p52 Healthy Sex 1998)

It is often implied that for a heterosexual woman, sex is an emotional experience and that orgasm (if acknowledged at all) comes from simply loving her partner. The unspoken fear is that any activity as sexually explicit as masturbation, might interfere with the more acceptable loving experiences that a sexual relationship can provide.

Carolyn knew that I masturbated and she asked me, rather tactlessly I thought, whether I had ever had any lesbian tendencies. It reminds me of the joke told by a character in the film 'Flashdance'. A male chef asks, "What's this?" and sticks his tongue out flat. The answer - "A lesbian with a hard on!".

Lesbian women are seen to be explicitly sexual with a need for their own physical sexual arousal (involving the clitoris). Whereas many heterosexual women are more comfortable settling for the loving aspects of relationships including sexual intercourse, which can be justified morally on the grounds of reproduction. There is an implication that there is something immoral about heterosexual women enjoying sexual pleasure.

We like to underplay the physical aspects of heterosexual women's sexual arousal. Even though women do have 'hard-ons' we rarely acknowledge this fact. We prefer to attribute strong physical responses to male sexuality. My own experience is that although I enjoy my own sexual arousal and orgasm, my focus is on what is happening in my head rather than to my body. In general, men are more tuned into the physical side of sex (genital focus) but a woman appreciates the sensuality of her whole body (her power to arouse a man).

One disadvantage of masturbation and learning how to give yourself an orgasm early on in life is that your expectation is set much higher than a woman who does not know what an orgasm is. You are then sure to face disappointment if you assume that a sexual experience shared with a lover will necessarily be as easily pleasurable.

"Masturbation is a normal sexual outlet, which is most common in adolescence, but which is practised at all ages, by people with and without sexual partners. Masturbation is a healthy way of learning to explore your body, of developing your sexuality and your sexual fantasies. All of these are important for a fulfilling sexual life." (p56 EveryMan 1980)

By Jane Thomas author of http://www.WaysWomenOrgasm.org and http://www.Nosper.com