When I could find no answers from talking to experts, I decided to embark on research of my own and talk to women I came across in everyday life.
I did this by writing down some of my experiences and conclusions and then asking women whether they would be willing to read what I had written. I made it clear that there was no obligation for my reviewers to comment.
Perhaps the first point to remark on is just how difficult it is to decide who one can ask to comment (or not) on one’s own personal experiences. I found that there were in fact very few women who I would be brave enough even to ask.
It is much more widely accepted that men are rarely offended by any sexual references. It is much less certain that a woman will not be offended. Even making an approach on such a taboo subject can easily come across as at least odd, if not perverted.
I only approached women who I thought might have a sense of humour about sex. So even if they were not interested they wouldn’t be mortally offended. Even having selected women in this way, the fact is that very few were prepared to comment.
Silence is difficult to interpret. Were they shocked, angry or embarrassed? I’ll never know.
“Many women find it very difficult to talk about sex with their male partners. More than a quarter of the women with whom I have discussed the subject say that they never talk to their partners about things they might do to improve lovemaking.” (p117 Woman’s Experience of Sex 1983)
Women’s experiences are implied as much as stated
Of those who did comment they probably fell into five groups.
(1) Those who were ’shocked’ by explicitly sexual behaviour. They implied that a woman’s sexual experiences should more properly revolve around her relationship with a partner. See sex stories: A sexual relationship and Female masturbation is relatively uncommon.
(2) Those who were confident that orgasm during sex just ‘happens’ the first time and every time. They drew comfort from popular beliefs about female sexuality and often implied that, surely, every woman should orgasm with a lover. See the sex stories: Bluffers, fakers and sex surveys and Some women never tune into eroticism.
(3) Those who were the sexually ‘jaded’. One woman in her late thirties, career and no children, refused to discuss her experiences. She said that all her friends agreed that women don’t get anything out of sex. Women accept sex because they want a relationship with a man (usually for reasons of companionship or family).
(4) Those who had the same experience as me and could only orgasm from masturbation alone. See sex stories Young women often don’t know how to orgasm and Sex advice for women is often misleading.
(5) Those who were confident about orgasm and were able to explain their experiences. These women were relatively relaxed about talking about orgasm. A couple of these explained orgasm with a partner either (A) by masturbation or (B) by using a position. They recognised the need for clitoral stimulation and also admitted to using fantasies during sex for arousal.
(A) Women who masturbate during intercourse: The two women I have spoken to who had this experience (see stories Applying orgasm techniques to sex and Reaching orgasm) learnt to combine masturbation and sex from very early days so perhaps their fantasies map more easily onto reality.
(B) Women who find a position for intercourse: One woman described this experience to me (see the story Positions and techniques for sexual intercourse) but I wonder whether women who are used to more direct clitoral stimulation from masturbation would be able to use this approach.
Showing posts with label orgasm techniques. Show all posts
Showing posts with label orgasm techniques. Show all posts
Friday, 16 October 2009
Defending the modern image of female sexuality
The issue of women’s sexual arousal and orgasm with a partner is surrounded by mis-information, contrary opinions and, above all, defensiveness. More often than not, our understanding revolves around debating OPINIONS rather than the FACTS.
A male doctor claims: “Many, if not most, women by the time they are 30 regularly achieve orgasm during penetrative sex or immediately afterwards with mutual masturbation”.
In the SAME article (The Times, 4th October 2008), a female therapist contradicts: “There is no avoiding the fact that orgasm is problematic for a significant percentage of women”.
One issue is that sources often do not specify whether they are talking about orgasm during masturbation or during sex. For example, (on the basis of a survey) one UK medical site states: “the average British female first learns to reach orgasm at age 19″.
Women are still told they will orgasm ‘naturally’ when they love a man. Romance may cause a woman to be amenable to sex but anyone who is familiar with orgasm will know that reaching orgasm involves a release of SEXUAL emotions not LOVING emotions.
It is often implied that women can generate sexual arousal from purely loving emotions. This indicates a misunderstanding about how sexual arousal is achieved. Even men need to use eroticism (erotic images or the body of a sexual partner) for sexual arousal.
Female sexual arousal is a political issue
Having been been brave enough to ask personal questions about sex, I have been shocked by just how defensive, patronising and openly hostile people have been. Small wonder more women don’t ask questions.
Some women claim orgasms during sex ‘just happen’ but they are rarely able to explain how their arousal works. When faced with women who do not share their experience of easy sexual arousal and orgasm they can be easily offended and quickly become defensive. This has made it very unpleasant to try to understand female sexuality by comparing notes with others.
The FACT that many women never orgasm during sex threatens other people’s confidence in their own experiences. I have not found even one expert who has been willing to talk openly about how to orgasm with a partner.
One woman was ‘highly offended’ by anyone questioning whether women orgasm as easily as men. I’m sorry to burst anyone’s bubble but the evidence is there for anyone to see even if they claim that their own experience makes such a thing impossible.
She continued “Many reports note that in heterosexual sex relationships, the woman’s inability to orgasm is in part due to her partner’s inability to give her an orgasm, among other reasons.” That’s very nice isn’t it? Let’s blame it all on men.
So men are advised that physical stimulation techniques (oral sex, thrusting or the G-spot) will ‘make her scream pure bliss and beg you not to stop all night long’. But if women orgasm as easily as men do then why are these articles needed at all? Why are there no similar articles advising women on how to give their man an orgasm?
I also question not only WHY but also HOW exactly is a man supposed to give a woman an orgasm? Isn’t this slightly patronising? Shere Hite concluded in the 1970’s that the women who succeeded with orgasm (not all by any means) usually did it for themselves. Women LEARN how to orgasm by applying their orgasm techniques (learned from masturbation) to sex.
The fact is that relatively few women masturbate and so they never discover true sexual arousal. If a woman does not know how to give herself an orgasm then it is unlikely that someone else will be able to. Sexual arousal originates in the brain and no man, whatever physical stimulation techniques he uses, can control what happens inside a woman’s head.
A male doctor claims: “Many, if not most, women by the time they are 30 regularly achieve orgasm during penetrative sex or immediately afterwards with mutual masturbation”.
In the SAME article (The Times, 4th October 2008), a female therapist contradicts: “There is no avoiding the fact that orgasm is problematic for a significant percentage of women”.
One issue is that sources often do not specify whether they are talking about orgasm during masturbation or during sex. For example, (on the basis of a survey) one UK medical site states: “the average British female first learns to reach orgasm at age 19″.
Women are still told they will orgasm ‘naturally’ when they love a man. Romance may cause a woman to be amenable to sex but anyone who is familiar with orgasm will know that reaching orgasm involves a release of SEXUAL emotions not LOVING emotions.
It is often implied that women can generate sexual arousal from purely loving emotions. This indicates a misunderstanding about how sexual arousal is achieved. Even men need to use eroticism (erotic images or the body of a sexual partner) for sexual arousal.
Female sexual arousal is a political issue
Having been been brave enough to ask personal questions about sex, I have been shocked by just how defensive, patronising and openly hostile people have been. Small wonder more women don’t ask questions.
Some women claim orgasms during sex ‘just happen’ but they are rarely able to explain how their arousal works. When faced with women who do not share their experience of easy sexual arousal and orgasm they can be easily offended and quickly become defensive. This has made it very unpleasant to try to understand female sexuality by comparing notes with others.
The FACT that many women never orgasm during sex threatens other people’s confidence in their own experiences. I have not found even one expert who has been willing to talk openly about how to orgasm with a partner.
One woman was ‘highly offended’ by anyone questioning whether women orgasm as easily as men. I’m sorry to burst anyone’s bubble but the evidence is there for anyone to see even if they claim that their own experience makes such a thing impossible.
She continued “Many reports note that in heterosexual sex relationships, the woman’s inability to orgasm is in part due to her partner’s inability to give her an orgasm, among other reasons.” That’s very nice isn’t it? Let’s blame it all on men.
So men are advised that physical stimulation techniques (oral sex, thrusting or the G-spot) will ‘make her scream pure bliss and beg you not to stop all night long’. But if women orgasm as easily as men do then why are these articles needed at all? Why are there no similar articles advising women on how to give their man an orgasm?
I also question not only WHY but also HOW exactly is a man supposed to give a woman an orgasm? Isn’t this slightly patronising? Shere Hite concluded in the 1970’s that the women who succeeded with orgasm (not all by any means) usually did it for themselves. Women LEARN how to orgasm by applying their orgasm techniques (learned from masturbation) to sex.
The fact is that relatively few women masturbate and so they never discover true sexual arousal. If a woman does not know how to give herself an orgasm then it is unlikely that someone else will be able to. Sexual arousal originates in the brain and no man, whatever physical stimulation techniques he uses, can control what happens inside a woman’s head.
Explanations for female sexual arousal
In response to my article saying that it was ridiculous to suggest that a man can give a woman an orgasm, a man wrote:
“My wife is consistently orgasmic. They are obviously not faked. She can’t fake the cries, the involuntary movements, the demands for more stimulation, and everything else that goes with orgasm.
I’ve offered oral and manual stimulation. She rejects oral because she considers it unhygeinic and a short cut for those who lack skills to do it the regular way. She demands my penis as soon as I have an erection. She orgasms through penile thrusting. …
When I lost my virginity to an older, more experienced woman, she eagerly guided my penis into her. … She obviously enjoyed my penis and got three orgasms from penile thrusting alone.
Several years later another woman begged me to make love to her and I did. She wanted my penis inside of her. … She told me once that her body ached for mine. She wanted a penis inside her.
I admit I have not had as much variety as a lot of men have had, but the women with whom I have had sex have demanded a penis. Judging from the intensity of their orgasms, they’ve been very satisfied and would have it no other way. My wife tells me she lets me caress her to orgasm with my fingers only for my enjoyment. She prefers an orgasm with my penis.”
Why is a man with this experience reading these articles in the first place? If everything works for you then that’s fantastic. I am not questioning that people have these experiences that read like erotic fiction. I am interested in discussing any LOGICAL EXPLANATIONS for how women are supposed to achieve these orgasmic feats given the FACTS of female sexuality.
“Most women do not orgasm as a result of intercourse per se. The overwhelming majority of women require specific clitoral contact for orgasm.” (p29 The Hite Reports 1993)
The clitoris is the female sex organ
The FACT is that the vagina has very few nerve endings. To come across even one woman who can feel sensations in a part of the body without nerve endings would be un-nerving but to come across three such women is positively suspicous.
Why would anyone who is hoping for orgasm ignore their own sex organ? It doesn’t make sense. Why are men so ready to accept that although they need penile stimulation in order to orgasm, women orgasm easily without any genital stimulation?
A woman’s sex organ is the clitoris (which has many nerve endings) and if women experienced true sexual arousal then they would want to stimulate their genitals (through clitoral stimulation) just as men do. Women approach sex with a focus on the penis and penile thrusting because male sexual arousal is much easier to achieve.
Relatively few women masturbate and so most women are unaware of what orgasm is or how to achieve it. They are not necessarily even hoping for orgasm from their sexual relationships because they have no experience of it.
For years I was convinced that vaginal intercourse MUST work. Even though my own experience told me that it did not. Even knowing that clitoral stimulation is required for female orgasm did not help because nothing seemed to work with a partner.
I agree with the experience that clitoral stimulation alone does not guarantee orgasm. But the reason for this is that genital stimulation is only effective once a person is mentally aroused.
Anyone who is familiar with orgasm will appreciate this point. If you cannot find a way to get your mind switched on then it doesn’t matter how much you stimulate your genitals – nothing will happen.
Even when I knew how to orgasm from female masturbation, I did not consider using the same orgasm techniques during sex. Many women find that sex with a lover is incompatible with using sexual fantasies.
“My wife is consistently orgasmic. They are obviously not faked. She can’t fake the cries, the involuntary movements, the demands for more stimulation, and everything else that goes with orgasm.
I’ve offered oral and manual stimulation. She rejects oral because she considers it unhygeinic and a short cut for those who lack skills to do it the regular way. She demands my penis as soon as I have an erection. She orgasms through penile thrusting. …
When I lost my virginity to an older, more experienced woman, she eagerly guided my penis into her. … She obviously enjoyed my penis and got three orgasms from penile thrusting alone.
Several years later another woman begged me to make love to her and I did. She wanted my penis inside of her. … She told me once that her body ached for mine. She wanted a penis inside her.
I admit I have not had as much variety as a lot of men have had, but the women with whom I have had sex have demanded a penis. Judging from the intensity of their orgasms, they’ve been very satisfied and would have it no other way. My wife tells me she lets me caress her to orgasm with my fingers only for my enjoyment. She prefers an orgasm with my penis.”
Why is a man with this experience reading these articles in the first place? If everything works for you then that’s fantastic. I am not questioning that people have these experiences that read like erotic fiction. I am interested in discussing any LOGICAL EXPLANATIONS for how women are supposed to achieve these orgasmic feats given the FACTS of female sexuality.
“Most women do not orgasm as a result of intercourse per se. The overwhelming majority of women require specific clitoral contact for orgasm.” (p29 The Hite Reports 1993)
The clitoris is the female sex organ
The FACT is that the vagina has very few nerve endings. To come across even one woman who can feel sensations in a part of the body without nerve endings would be un-nerving but to come across three such women is positively suspicous.
Why would anyone who is hoping for orgasm ignore their own sex organ? It doesn’t make sense. Why are men so ready to accept that although they need penile stimulation in order to orgasm, women orgasm easily without any genital stimulation?
A woman’s sex organ is the clitoris (which has many nerve endings) and if women experienced true sexual arousal then they would want to stimulate their genitals (through clitoral stimulation) just as men do. Women approach sex with a focus on the penis and penile thrusting because male sexual arousal is much easier to achieve.
Relatively few women masturbate and so most women are unaware of what orgasm is or how to achieve it. They are not necessarily even hoping for orgasm from their sexual relationships because they have no experience of it.
For years I was convinced that vaginal intercourse MUST work. Even though my own experience told me that it did not. Even knowing that clitoral stimulation is required for female orgasm did not help because nothing seemed to work with a partner.
I agree with the experience that clitoral stimulation alone does not guarantee orgasm. But the reason for this is that genital stimulation is only effective once a person is mentally aroused.
Anyone who is familiar with orgasm will appreciate this point. If you cannot find a way to get your mind switched on then it doesn’t matter how much you stimulate your genitals – nothing will happen.
Even when I knew how to orgasm from female masturbation, I did not consider using the same orgasm techniques during sex. Many women find that sex with a lover is incompatible with using sexual fantasies.
Thursday, 15 October 2009
Transferring orgasm techniques to sex
Women’s orgasm techniques leant from masturbation (including both clitoral stimulation and use of sexual fantasies) are not always easy to apply to sex with a partner. My own experience was that the contrast between sex with a partner and masturbation alone was so extreme that it never even occurred to me to try to combine the two experiences.
Men dislike wearing condoms because they reduce the stimulation of the penis. Imagine then the position of a woman during intercourse! Sexual intercourse without any additional clitoral stimulation is a bit like wearing a rubber boot as a condom!
“Most women conclude at some point in their lives that the female body is badly designed.” (p19 Bluffer’s Guide to Women 1998)
Men’s sexual arousal is so much more obvious and easier to achieve: you touch them just about anywhere, wear something provocative or nothing at all. In the absence of my own sexual arousal, it was much easier to accept my partner’s love-making and facilitate his orgasm. Women’s sexual arousal and orgasm is not automatic but neither is it obvious (even to a woman) how women’s sexual arousal with a partner works. I did not know where to start to suggest what my partner might try to arouse me.
Female masturbation may help but is no guarantee
The fact was that I had never considered masturbation to be a legitimate part of sex. Masturbation was purely a mechanism for assisting me in getting to sleep and for enjoying the pleasures of orgasm. Even though I knew that sexual fantasies worked when I was alone, it was as if it would be an insult to my partner to start reading a sexy story when his body was next to mine.
“Women also often find it easier to fantasise when self-pleasuring than in sex with a partner. The immediacy of someone else’s needs actually inhibits the expression and satisfaction of their own. Some also say they have to imagine that the person making love to them is not the person they know so well.” (p65 Woman’s Experience of Sex 1983)
Women, who say they orgasm from sexual intercourse but do not masturbate, do not necessarily have it all figured out; it’s just that they have no comparison. There is even sometimes an implication that female masturbation may prevent a woman from having an orgasm with a partner. This is, of course, based purely on superstition rather than logic as Shere Hite explains.
“Perhaps if you masturbate, you can get a fixation on your clitoris and are thus unable to come during intercourse.”
“The fact that I’ve been masturbating since I was ten has made it more difficult for me to orgasm vaginally.”
These two quotes came from women who replied to Shere Hite’s survey. She replies: “The truth, however, is just the opposite: masturbation increases your ability to orgasm in general, and also your ability to orgasm during intercourse. Why not? It’s the same stimulation. … Of course, masturbation to orgasm does not automatically enable you to orgasm during intercourse. There is no mystical connection between the two – just the practical experience with orgasm – how it feels and how to get it.” (p51 The Hite Reports – 1993)
Men dislike wearing condoms because they reduce the stimulation of the penis. Imagine then the position of a woman during intercourse! Sexual intercourse without any additional clitoral stimulation is a bit like wearing a rubber boot as a condom!
“Most women conclude at some point in their lives that the female body is badly designed.” (p19 Bluffer’s Guide to Women 1998)
Men’s sexual arousal is so much more obvious and easier to achieve: you touch them just about anywhere, wear something provocative or nothing at all. In the absence of my own sexual arousal, it was much easier to accept my partner’s love-making and facilitate his orgasm. Women’s sexual arousal and orgasm is not automatic but neither is it obvious (even to a woman) how women’s sexual arousal with a partner works. I did not know where to start to suggest what my partner might try to arouse me.
Female masturbation may help but is no guarantee
The fact was that I had never considered masturbation to be a legitimate part of sex. Masturbation was purely a mechanism for assisting me in getting to sleep and for enjoying the pleasures of orgasm. Even though I knew that sexual fantasies worked when I was alone, it was as if it would be an insult to my partner to start reading a sexy story when his body was next to mine.
“Women also often find it easier to fantasise when self-pleasuring than in sex with a partner. The immediacy of someone else’s needs actually inhibits the expression and satisfaction of their own. Some also say they have to imagine that the person making love to them is not the person they know so well.” (p65 Woman’s Experience of Sex 1983)
Women, who say they orgasm from sexual intercourse but do not masturbate, do not necessarily have it all figured out; it’s just that they have no comparison. There is even sometimes an implication that female masturbation may prevent a woman from having an orgasm with a partner. This is, of course, based purely on superstition rather than logic as Shere Hite explains.
“Perhaps if you masturbate, you can get a fixation on your clitoris and are thus unable to come during intercourse.”
“The fact that I’ve been masturbating since I was ten has made it more difficult for me to orgasm vaginally.”
These two quotes came from women who replied to Shere Hite’s survey. She replies: “The truth, however, is just the opposite: masturbation increases your ability to orgasm in general, and also your ability to orgasm during intercourse. Why not? It’s the same stimulation. … Of course, masturbation to orgasm does not automatically enable you to orgasm during intercourse. There is no mystical connection between the two – just the practical experience with orgasm – how it feels and how to get it.” (p51 The Hite Reports – 1993)
How do women become sexually aroused during sex with a partner?
The big hole in all the explanations is: what do women use for sexual arousal, that is their psychological arousal, during sex with a partner? It’s straightforward during female masturbation because a woman can focus fully on fantasy.
It is likely to be much more difficult for a woman to generate the same conditions during sex. This has nothing to do with inhibition, personal embarrassment or the desire to put a man’s needs first. It’s like deep meditation – it takes great focus and concentration to use sexual fantasies effectively.
After decades of trying different orgasm techniques with a partner I have not been able to replicate the exact same sensations of orgasm that I get from masturbation. I do get some really nice physical feelings from anal stimulation and sometimes from vaginal fisting but these orgasms are different from those I get by using fantasy.
I am willing to go through the personal embarrassment of revealing the exact nature of my sexual experiences in the hope that other women might be encouraged to come forward and do the same. Of course, the worry is that I have no way of knowing that my sexual responses are normal.
But what exactly is normal? For example, I might describe to you the pleasure I get from Mathematics: the subject I studied at university. It’s likely that my knowledge and understanding of Mathematics exceeds that of the average person in the population. This does not make my experience abnormal any more than it makes other people’s experiences abnormal. We can all have normal responses and still be different to each other.
Likewise my sexual experiences are likely to be different to other women. I read erotic novels as a teenager, discovered female masturbation to orgasm at the age of seventeen and then spent decades trying a variety of techniques during regular sex with a partner. How many women put this much effort and enthusiasm into exploring their sexual arousal?
My motivation to pursue this topic has been driven by the unreasonably defensive response I have had from others. I have asked legitimate and logical questions by being totally honest about my sexual experiences. In return, I have been patronized and given emotional answers by people who have never volunteered to support their opinions with their own personal experiences.
I am a perfectly normal woman with normal sexual responses. Yet because other women claim to experience easy sexual arousal, the implication is that woman who admits to difficulties with sexual arousal is sexually inadequate. This just is not the case. I want to put the record straight for future generations of women. It is not right that couples continue to be misled by what is currently published about female sexuality.
In case you missed it, this is the political rally…It is time that women were honest about what they want and what they like. We owe it to our daughters. We don’t have to be like men. It is not our job to impregnate. It is our job to have the babies and keep the men interested. We don’t have to lie.
It’s really important that women stand up for what they want. We can pleasure men and give them what they want and still retain our self respect. Women need to tell men that we want different things in return for sex. Companionship. Mutual respect. Mutual support. Orgasm would be great but, if not, then more selfless and sensual pleasuring where they put their own orgasm to one side.
It is likely to be much more difficult for a woman to generate the same conditions during sex. This has nothing to do with inhibition, personal embarrassment or the desire to put a man’s needs first. It’s like deep meditation – it takes great focus and concentration to use sexual fantasies effectively.
After decades of trying different orgasm techniques with a partner I have not been able to replicate the exact same sensations of orgasm that I get from masturbation. I do get some really nice physical feelings from anal stimulation and sometimes from vaginal fisting but these orgasms are different from those I get by using fantasy.
I am willing to go through the personal embarrassment of revealing the exact nature of my sexual experiences in the hope that other women might be encouraged to come forward and do the same. Of course, the worry is that I have no way of knowing that my sexual responses are normal.
But what exactly is normal? For example, I might describe to you the pleasure I get from Mathematics: the subject I studied at university. It’s likely that my knowledge and understanding of Mathematics exceeds that of the average person in the population. This does not make my experience abnormal any more than it makes other people’s experiences abnormal. We can all have normal responses and still be different to each other.
Likewise my sexual experiences are likely to be different to other women. I read erotic novels as a teenager, discovered female masturbation to orgasm at the age of seventeen and then spent decades trying a variety of techniques during regular sex with a partner. How many women put this much effort and enthusiasm into exploring their sexual arousal?
My motivation to pursue this topic has been driven by the unreasonably defensive response I have had from others. I have asked legitimate and logical questions by being totally honest about my sexual experiences. In return, I have been patronized and given emotional answers by people who have never volunteered to support their opinions with their own personal experiences.
I am a perfectly normal woman with normal sexual responses. Yet because other women claim to experience easy sexual arousal, the implication is that woman who admits to difficulties with sexual arousal is sexually inadequate. This just is not the case. I want to put the record straight for future generations of women. It is not right that couples continue to be misled by what is currently published about female sexuality.
In case you missed it, this is the political rally…It is time that women were honest about what they want and what they like. We owe it to our daughters. We don’t have to be like men. It is not our job to impregnate. It is our job to have the babies and keep the men interested. We don’t have to lie.
It’s really important that women stand up for what they want. We can pleasure men and give them what they want and still retain our self respect. Women need to tell men that we want different things in return for sex. Companionship. Mutual respect. Mutual support. Orgasm would be great but, if not, then more selfless and sensual pleasuring where they put their own orgasm to one side.
Wednesday, 14 October 2009
Reaching orgasm
Rose was a pretty woman, tall and slim. Despite being a mother and housewife at home she always achieved a classy presentation. Her partner evidently cared about his sex life and over the years they had had their ups and downs like everyone else.
In her late forties Rose told me: “Although I masturbated as a youngster (from 14) it was never to orgasm. My first orgasm was by accident. It happened at 17 with a boyfriend – not during penetrative sex but as a result of my body rubbing against his body. It was a scary experience for me and I didn’t like being out of control.
It wasn’t until I met my long-term partner who had studied the female anatomy from books and real girls that I had another orgasm at 19. I didn’t want (for a number of reasons) penetrative sex so our initial experiments were with mutual masturbation. It was really easy then about 6 months later to transfer to penetrative orgasmic sex. I often wonder how long it would have taken for me to discover orgasm if I hadn’t met this more experienced lover.”
Rose did not masturbate alone but she had succeeded in applying orgasm techniques to sex with her partner. Very occasionally, her partner will masturbate her but generally, she masturbates herself. Rose confirmed that her partner tends to initiate sex. Rose agreed that a man’s sexual arousal can be very flattering and that an important aspect of her own sexual arousal was the idea that her partner wanted to have sex with her. Some couples find that the spoon position allows a woman to stimulate herself (think of spoons lying side by side in a drawer – man behind the woman).
Rose added: “It’s peculiar that the ‘power’ that women have over men (i.e. the ability to sexually arouse them) is at times really appreciated by the woman and helps with her arousal. And at other times completely abhorrent to her or at least the effect it has is abhorrent. Unfortunately, men seem to be unable to get the timing right as to when to respond to this power. This is not very fair for men because they really seem unable to pick up the signals and respond appropriately. I believe that for whatever reason (upbringing, genetics) that their emotions are so controlled that they cannot read the emotional signals that women give out.”
“It’s not that men are insensitive. Their brains just aren’t organised to notice small details and changes in the appearance or behaviour of others. ” (p77 Why men don’t listen 1999)
Sharing sexual fantasies
Rose recommended: “Men need to learn manual arousal techniques (to use on the woman) and also not to be intimidated by women using masturbation as part of the act of intercourse. Women need to learn to combine masturbation and intercourse and feel completely free to share their fantasies and use them during intercourse.”
She giggled: “I wonder if the taboo about sex is not about sex per se but about the ‘naughty fantasies’ that make sex so good! I also found it difficult to share fantasies as I was unsure if speaking about them might somehow make them lose their power – like bursting a bubble – thankfully it hasn’t”.
Rose agreed that women’s sexual arousal and orgasm is not automatic and that women have to make a more conscious choice to become aroused: “Men are easily stimulated by sexual thoughts. Women’s automatic trigger is
more easily sublimated
far less frequent
needs other factors present to be switched on (i.e. they need to be content with other areas of their life).
I think that they do have this automatic trigger but because of the above reasons, the choice becomes more conscious. Women usually need more artificial aids to trigger arousal. I would also add general touching and caressing (as opposed to specifically primary erogenous zone touching).”
In her late forties Rose told me: “Although I masturbated as a youngster (from 14) it was never to orgasm. My first orgasm was by accident. It happened at 17 with a boyfriend – not during penetrative sex but as a result of my body rubbing against his body. It was a scary experience for me and I didn’t like being out of control.
It wasn’t until I met my long-term partner who had studied the female anatomy from books and real girls that I had another orgasm at 19. I didn’t want (for a number of reasons) penetrative sex so our initial experiments were with mutual masturbation. It was really easy then about 6 months later to transfer to penetrative orgasmic sex. I often wonder how long it would have taken for me to discover orgasm if I hadn’t met this more experienced lover.”
Rose did not masturbate alone but she had succeeded in applying orgasm techniques to sex with her partner. Very occasionally, her partner will masturbate her but generally, she masturbates herself. Rose confirmed that her partner tends to initiate sex. Rose agreed that a man’s sexual arousal can be very flattering and that an important aspect of her own sexual arousal was the idea that her partner wanted to have sex with her. Some couples find that the spoon position allows a woman to stimulate herself (think of spoons lying side by side in a drawer – man behind the woman).
Rose added: “It’s peculiar that the ‘power’ that women have over men (i.e. the ability to sexually arouse them) is at times really appreciated by the woman and helps with her arousal. And at other times completely abhorrent to her or at least the effect it has is abhorrent. Unfortunately, men seem to be unable to get the timing right as to when to respond to this power. This is not very fair for men because they really seem unable to pick up the signals and respond appropriately. I believe that for whatever reason (upbringing, genetics) that their emotions are so controlled that they cannot read the emotional signals that women give out.”
“It’s not that men are insensitive. Their brains just aren’t organised to notice small details and changes in the appearance or behaviour of others. ” (p77 Why men don’t listen 1999)
Sharing sexual fantasies
Rose recommended: “Men need to learn manual arousal techniques (to use on the woman) and also not to be intimidated by women using masturbation as part of the act of intercourse. Women need to learn to combine masturbation and intercourse and feel completely free to share their fantasies and use them during intercourse.”
She giggled: “I wonder if the taboo about sex is not about sex per se but about the ‘naughty fantasies’ that make sex so good! I also found it difficult to share fantasies as I was unsure if speaking about them might somehow make them lose their power – like bursting a bubble – thankfully it hasn’t”.
Rose agreed that women’s sexual arousal and orgasm is not automatic and that women have to make a more conscious choice to become aroused: “Men are easily stimulated by sexual thoughts. Women’s automatic trigger is
more easily sublimated
far less frequent
needs other factors present to be switched on (i.e. they need to be content with other areas of their life).
I think that they do have this automatic trigger but because of the above reasons, the choice becomes more conscious. Women usually need more artificial aids to trigger arousal. I would also add general touching and caressing (as opposed to specifically primary erogenous zone touching).”
Sexual pleasure
Self-evidently there are the ‘responsible’ aspects of sex as well as the ‘pleasurable’ but sexual ignorance is of no use to anyone.
Young women today are more likely to end up pregnant as a result of pressure from men or from idealised images of motherhood than from any hope to indulge in enjoying sexual pleasure. Allowing teenage girls to hope to enjoy their sexual relationships is an important part of giving women the confidence to stand up for what they want in life.
It may be that in the first instance, a woman’s sex drive is more likely to involve a desire to enjoy family rather than orgasm. But female sexuality can encompass more than this reproductive capacity. Girls need information about how their sexual arousal works if they are to discover how to get the most out of a long-term sexual relationship.
In an ideal world, we would all be jumping up and down to know the top 10 tips for encouraging women to enjoy sexual pleasure with a partner. Unfortunately, many people fear that women always stand to be exploited through sex because men’s sexual arousal and orgasm are so much more easily achieved. Thus sexual pleasure is more usually associated with women facilitating male gratification than with them enjoying their own arousal and orgasm.
‘Joy of Sex’ was one of the first books to promote the idea of the mutually enjoyable sexual relationship. One might have thought that a sex expert would be best qualified to present the ‘ideal sex life’ but the author was just an ‘ordinary’ member of the public. There was nothing ‘ordinary’ about Alex Comfort’s sex life though. Indeed, such a sex life is a rarity for anyone, sex expert or not.
If you are fortunate enough to be a liberated couple, I’m sure that even you would struggle to incorporate the variety of sexual activities that Alex Comfort describes in his book on a regular basis. You are lucky because even today the vast majority of couples do not explore sex with the sense of adventure and total lack of inhibition depicted in ‘Joy of Sex’.
Lack of understanding about female sexuality means that women are often reluctant to promote the clitoris, either through female masturbation or oral sex, to younger generations. This may explain the custom in some primitive African communities of the surgical removal of a young woman’s clitoris (grossly mis-named ‘female circumcision’) by older women in the tribe.
Even though some women do explore sexual pleasure through genital stimulation, there is very little practical sex advice passed on by more experienced women to enable younger women to learn how to go about transferring orgasm techniques to sex with a partner.
Young women today are more likely to end up pregnant as a result of pressure from men or from idealised images of motherhood than from any hope to indulge in enjoying sexual pleasure. Allowing teenage girls to hope to enjoy their sexual relationships is an important part of giving women the confidence to stand up for what they want in life.
It may be that in the first instance, a woman’s sex drive is more likely to involve a desire to enjoy family rather than orgasm. But female sexuality can encompass more than this reproductive capacity. Girls need information about how their sexual arousal works if they are to discover how to get the most out of a long-term sexual relationship.
In an ideal world, we would all be jumping up and down to know the top 10 tips for encouraging women to enjoy sexual pleasure with a partner. Unfortunately, many people fear that women always stand to be exploited through sex because men’s sexual arousal and orgasm are so much more easily achieved. Thus sexual pleasure is more usually associated with women facilitating male gratification than with them enjoying their own arousal and orgasm.
‘Joy of Sex’ was one of the first books to promote the idea of the mutually enjoyable sexual relationship. One might have thought that a sex expert would be best qualified to present the ‘ideal sex life’ but the author was just an ‘ordinary’ member of the public. There was nothing ‘ordinary’ about Alex Comfort’s sex life though. Indeed, such a sex life is a rarity for anyone, sex expert or not.
If you are fortunate enough to be a liberated couple, I’m sure that even you would struggle to incorporate the variety of sexual activities that Alex Comfort describes in his book on a regular basis. You are lucky because even today the vast majority of couples do not explore sex with the sense of adventure and total lack of inhibition depicted in ‘Joy of Sex’.
Lack of understanding about female sexuality means that women are often reluctant to promote the clitoris, either through female masturbation or oral sex, to younger generations. This may explain the custom in some primitive African communities of the surgical removal of a young woman’s clitoris (grossly mis-named ‘female circumcision’) by older women in the tribe.
Even though some women do explore sexual pleasure through genital stimulation, there is very little practical sex advice passed on by more experienced women to enable younger women to learn how to go about transferring orgasm techniques to sex with a partner.
Clitoral stimulation is not everything
In the 1960’s researchers confirmed that the clitoris, and not the vagina, is the origin of female orgasm. In order to explain how some women might orgasm from intercourse alone they proposed that some women find positions and techniques for sexual intercourse that maximise the indirect clitoral stimulation (caused by the action of the penis thrusting into the vagina) to enable them to reach orgasm.
“As sex therapist Lonnie Barbach notes: “In reality, the clitoris is the female sex organ. … The vagina is comparable in sensitivity to the male testicles.” (p587 Human Sexuality (fifth edition) 1995)
By the mid-1970’s though it was accepted that this indirect action was not sufficient to enable the majority of women to reach orgasm. It was agreed that most women are likely to find orgasm with a partner easier by applying orgasm techniques to sex learnt from masturbation or through oral sex because clitoral stimulation is more direct.
“ … certainly, it is easier for most women to be orgasmic during masturbation than during intercourse. … With masturbation, a woman can focus sexual stimulation precisely where she finds it most arousing, … For most women, masturbation involves some form of stimulation of the clitoris, whereas with intercourse, the clitoris is only stimulated indirectly, …” (p587 Human Sexuality (fifth edition) 1995)
I found it comforting to know that there was a good reason why orgasm was so much easier through masturbation. Sadly though, the explanation has never really helped with orgasm in my sexual relationship.
Clitoral stimulation is thought to help but cannot guarantee orgasm
In fact it’s not just lack of orgasm during sexual intercourse that women struggle with but orgasm by any means with a partner. Most informed people today are aware of the importance of the clitoris and a woman can only know that something is missing from sex if she is familiar with orgasm from masturbation. So why do women still ask about orgasm with a partner?
Experts often imply that female orgasm is easily achieved but if it was a simple as pressing a button, surely we would all have worked it out by now? I appreciate that sexual ignorance is rife out there but surely it is accepted that the ‘informed couple’ exists? Don’t sex experts realise that couples read sex manuals and try different approaches to sex?
Clitoral stimulation is known to assist with orgasm during female masturbation but only when combined with the use of highly explicit sexual fantasies. So the suggestion that clitoral stimulation alone will lead to orgasm during sex with a partner is simply a shot in the dark – a suggestion that is intended to be helpful but one that can, in fact, be quite misleading.
Despite all the limelight that our genitals (clitoris/penis) get, it is in fact the brain that is the main sex organ. If you cannot generate some psychological sexual arousal then you can forget about the rest. I have certainly never been able to use my fantasies effectively during sex with a partner – it just does not work the same way. After years of researching the small print, I also know that I am not the only woman who has had this experience.
Women’s sexual arousal relies on sexual fantasies during masturbation and many women are able to use the same orgasm techniques during sex. Try bringing some sexual fantasies into sex with a partner even if that means reading some erotica while he touches you up. This can be a very enjoyable precursor to sex if nothing else.
I find that women’s erotica can be a little too ’soft porn’ and overly focused on the woman’s body. If you want something a little more gutsy then try some homosexual erotica, which can be a real turn-on because it is full of male body parts, anal sex and fellatio. Of course, there’s always the more mundane domination and sadism which gets many of us going, like it or not.
“As sex therapist Lonnie Barbach notes: “In reality, the clitoris is the female sex organ. … The vagina is comparable in sensitivity to the male testicles.” (p587 Human Sexuality (fifth edition) 1995)
By the mid-1970’s though it was accepted that this indirect action was not sufficient to enable the majority of women to reach orgasm. It was agreed that most women are likely to find orgasm with a partner easier by applying orgasm techniques to sex learnt from masturbation or through oral sex because clitoral stimulation is more direct.
“ … certainly, it is easier for most women to be orgasmic during masturbation than during intercourse. … With masturbation, a woman can focus sexual stimulation precisely where she finds it most arousing, … For most women, masturbation involves some form of stimulation of the clitoris, whereas with intercourse, the clitoris is only stimulated indirectly, …” (p587 Human Sexuality (fifth edition) 1995)
I found it comforting to know that there was a good reason why orgasm was so much easier through masturbation. Sadly though, the explanation has never really helped with orgasm in my sexual relationship.
Clitoral stimulation is thought to help but cannot guarantee orgasm
In fact it’s not just lack of orgasm during sexual intercourse that women struggle with but orgasm by any means with a partner. Most informed people today are aware of the importance of the clitoris and a woman can only know that something is missing from sex if she is familiar with orgasm from masturbation. So why do women still ask about orgasm with a partner?
Experts often imply that female orgasm is easily achieved but if it was a simple as pressing a button, surely we would all have worked it out by now? I appreciate that sexual ignorance is rife out there but surely it is accepted that the ‘informed couple’ exists? Don’t sex experts realise that couples read sex manuals and try different approaches to sex?
Clitoral stimulation is known to assist with orgasm during female masturbation but only when combined with the use of highly explicit sexual fantasies. So the suggestion that clitoral stimulation alone will lead to orgasm during sex with a partner is simply a shot in the dark – a suggestion that is intended to be helpful but one that can, in fact, be quite misleading.
Despite all the limelight that our genitals (clitoris/penis) get, it is in fact the brain that is the main sex organ. If you cannot generate some psychological sexual arousal then you can forget about the rest. I have certainly never been able to use my fantasies effectively during sex with a partner – it just does not work the same way. After years of researching the small print, I also know that I am not the only woman who has had this experience.
Women’s sexual arousal relies on sexual fantasies during masturbation and many women are able to use the same orgasm techniques during sex. Try bringing some sexual fantasies into sex with a partner even if that means reading some erotica while he touches you up. This can be a very enjoyable precursor to sex if nothing else.
I find that women’s erotica can be a little too ’soft porn’ and overly focused on the woman’s body. If you want something a little more gutsy then try some homosexual erotica, which can be a real turn-on because it is full of male body parts, anal sex and fellatio. Of course, there’s always the more mundane domination and sadism which gets many of us going, like it or not.
Applying orgasm techniques to sex
Caroline lived on a farm as a child and was fortunate in having innocent and light-hearted sexual experiences as she grew up. Even as kids they would play the ‘I’ll show you mine if you show me yours’ games on the long bus ride to school.
Her mother insisted that Caroline went on the pill at sixteen. She was not bothered about the sex. She simply wanted Caroline to be in a position to avoid getting pregnant. Caroline had her first serious relationship soon after. The sex was adventurous and great fun.
When they split up, Caroline decided to find out about female masturbation to fill the sexual void. She discovered orgasm for the first time. Young women often don’t know how to orgasm and unfortunately sex advice for women is often misleading. The only sure way to find out about orgasm is to try female masturbation.
When Caroline went back to sex with men, she found it relatively easy to adapt her orgasm techniques so that she could masturbate in the presence of a lover. She did not always declare her use of sexual fantasies to her lovers and some men were not happy for her to masturbate. They insisted that they had to give her an orgasm. On these occasions, Caroline simply accepted sex without orgasm.
“The women who had orgasm during intercourse were usually those who, in a sense, did it themselves. They did not expect to ‘receive’ orgasm automatically from the thrusting of the partner.” (p51 The Hite Reports 1993)
Caroline travelled a great deal, working as a fashion model in Europe, the US and South America among other places. In the space of a few years Caroline had many lovers (she mentioned the figure 80). Many of these were one-night-stands. She simply thought the whole thing was a laugh. As she remembered some of the more outrageous experiences, she giggled. I asked her whether she had been worried about sexual disease. Caroline admitted that she had taken stupid risks but she had been lucky.
Some women enjoy sexual promiscuity
It reminded me of the scene from the film ‘Four Weddings and a Funeral’ where Andy MacDowell enumerates her lovers. Hugh Grant, who had previously thought of himself as a bit of a playboy, is completely deflated by the time she gets to 32 because he had “nothing like that many” girlfriends himself. Andy MacDowell explains that she “grew up in the country – lots of rolling around in haystacks”.
Caroline had sex with men for the fun of it. It was not about orgasm; it was sexual ego. A man’s sexual arousal can be very flattering and Caroline liked the fact that they wanted to have sex with her. She felt that she was the one manipulating them. It seemed quite callous to me but then I have always been a bit square. Plenty of men screw women with shallow intentions. I guess it makes sense that women do the same.
Caroline thought it was sweet that I had only had three lovers. I was never really interested in the ego trip of casual sex. I had romantic notions of love and friendship. As far as sex was concerned, being my partner’s lover and pleasuring him was how I showed my love for him.
Caroline married at 23 and has been faithful to her husband. When I talked to her she was a mother of four in her late thirties. She admitted that sex had become more of a duty over time as her priorities changed to focus on the children. Caroline was very fortunate; other women may find that transferring orgasm techniques to sex is not so straightforward because their sexual fantasies are more suitable for use alone than with a partner. Many women have to learn to accept enjoying physical intimacy rather than orgasm during sex with a partner.
Her mother insisted that Caroline went on the pill at sixteen. She was not bothered about the sex. She simply wanted Caroline to be in a position to avoid getting pregnant. Caroline had her first serious relationship soon after. The sex was adventurous and great fun.
When they split up, Caroline decided to find out about female masturbation to fill the sexual void. She discovered orgasm for the first time. Young women often don’t know how to orgasm and unfortunately sex advice for women is often misleading. The only sure way to find out about orgasm is to try female masturbation.
When Caroline went back to sex with men, she found it relatively easy to adapt her orgasm techniques so that she could masturbate in the presence of a lover. She did not always declare her use of sexual fantasies to her lovers and some men were not happy for her to masturbate. They insisted that they had to give her an orgasm. On these occasions, Caroline simply accepted sex without orgasm.
“The women who had orgasm during intercourse were usually those who, in a sense, did it themselves. They did not expect to ‘receive’ orgasm automatically from the thrusting of the partner.” (p51 The Hite Reports 1993)
Caroline travelled a great deal, working as a fashion model in Europe, the US and South America among other places. In the space of a few years Caroline had many lovers (she mentioned the figure 80). Many of these were one-night-stands. She simply thought the whole thing was a laugh. As she remembered some of the more outrageous experiences, she giggled. I asked her whether she had been worried about sexual disease. Caroline admitted that she had taken stupid risks but she had been lucky.
Some women enjoy sexual promiscuity
It reminded me of the scene from the film ‘Four Weddings and a Funeral’ where Andy MacDowell enumerates her lovers. Hugh Grant, who had previously thought of himself as a bit of a playboy, is completely deflated by the time she gets to 32 because he had “nothing like that many” girlfriends himself. Andy MacDowell explains that she “grew up in the country – lots of rolling around in haystacks”.
Caroline had sex with men for the fun of it. It was not about orgasm; it was sexual ego. A man’s sexual arousal can be very flattering and Caroline liked the fact that they wanted to have sex with her. She felt that she was the one manipulating them. It seemed quite callous to me but then I have always been a bit square. Plenty of men screw women with shallow intentions. I guess it makes sense that women do the same.
Caroline thought it was sweet that I had only had three lovers. I was never really interested in the ego trip of casual sex. I had romantic notions of love and friendship. As far as sex was concerned, being my partner’s lover and pleasuring him was how I showed my love for him.
Caroline married at 23 and has been faithful to her husband. When I talked to her she was a mother of four in her late thirties. She admitted that sex had become more of a duty over time as her priorities changed to focus on the children. Caroline was very fortunate; other women may find that transferring orgasm techniques to sex is not so straightforward because their sexual fantasies are more suitable for use alone than with a partner. Many women have to learn to accept enjoying physical intimacy rather than orgasm during sex with a partner.
Men's sexual fantasies
In pursuit of knowledge and understanding of sexual arousal, I went to a large newsagent in London’s Oxford Street to review the covers of fifty or more pornographic magazines, which were lined up along the top shelf. Over 90% were directed towards heterosexual men. Most of the remainder was male homosexual pornography. The very few pornographic magazines for women were for lesbians.
The British magazine ‘Men’s Health’ (March 2000) refers to men’s ‘secret porn stash’. Men’s sexual arousal is usually easy and men buy visual pornography because they need some mechanism (in the absence of the real thing) in order to release the sexual frustration caused by their daily arousal.
“After thinking about sex every six seconds for six days, men are beginning to need to do something about it.” (p15 Bluffer’s Guide to Men 1998)
Younger men can make do with masturbation for some days but eventually (usually by the weekend!) they want to engage on some real action. If men were happy to use masturbation indefinitely as a substitute for sex then there really would be a chance that the human race could die out! It also makes sense that men may find thrusting during penetrative sex to be the most satisfying way of releasing their sexual emotions simply because nature intended it that way.
Men’s sexual fantasies map onto reality more easily than women’s
Perhaps it is worth stating the obvious that men do not reach orgasm simply through looking at images of the female form. In their minds, they also need to contemplate what they would like to be doing with a sexual partner.
Men have a much easier time, than women typically do, of transferring orgasm techniques to sex with a partner. On the physical side, the vagina may not grip the penis as firmly as a hand but the penis is still directly stimulated. Equally men’s sexual fantasies map fairly easily onto a real-life sexual encounter. Instead of looking at pictures of naked women, a man now has the real thing in front of him.
“Reality and fantasy are further apart for women than for men …” (p179 Satisfaction Guaranteed 1996)
Initially, the turn-on of a new sexual partner is enough for a man to reach orgasm without any further assistance. However, over time men also use sexual fantasies to help them through more routine sex with a partner by visualising more adventurous sexual episodes.
“ … people who report most guilt about having fantasies during intercourse have higher levels of sexual dissatisfaction and dysfunction than those who are relatively guilt-free.” (p417 Human Sexuality (fifth edition) 1995)
The British magazine ‘Men’s Health’ (March 2000) refers to men’s ‘secret porn stash’. Men’s sexual arousal is usually easy and men buy visual pornography because they need some mechanism (in the absence of the real thing) in order to release the sexual frustration caused by their daily arousal.
“After thinking about sex every six seconds for six days, men are beginning to need to do something about it.” (p15 Bluffer’s Guide to Men 1998)
Younger men can make do with masturbation for some days but eventually (usually by the weekend!) they want to engage on some real action. If men were happy to use masturbation indefinitely as a substitute for sex then there really would be a chance that the human race could die out! It also makes sense that men may find thrusting during penetrative sex to be the most satisfying way of releasing their sexual emotions simply because nature intended it that way.
Men’s sexual fantasies map onto reality more easily than women’s
Perhaps it is worth stating the obvious that men do not reach orgasm simply through looking at images of the female form. In their minds, they also need to contemplate what they would like to be doing with a sexual partner.
Men have a much easier time, than women typically do, of transferring orgasm techniques to sex with a partner. On the physical side, the vagina may not grip the penis as firmly as a hand but the penis is still directly stimulated. Equally men’s sexual fantasies map fairly easily onto a real-life sexual encounter. Instead of looking at pictures of naked women, a man now has the real thing in front of him.
“Reality and fantasy are further apart for women than for men …” (p179 Satisfaction Guaranteed 1996)
Initially, the turn-on of a new sexual partner is enough for a man to reach orgasm without any further assistance. However, over time men also use sexual fantasies to help them through more routine sex with a partner by visualising more adventurous sexual episodes.
“ … people who report most guilt about having fantasies during intercourse have higher levels of sexual dissatisfaction and dysfunction than those who are relatively guilt-free.” (p417 Human Sexuality (fifth edition) 1995)
Tuesday, 13 October 2009
How we enjoy our best orgasms
Shere Hite identified two main approaches that women used to increase clitoral stimulation and their chances of orgasm during intercourse. They either maximised direct clitoral stimulation by using masturbation during sex or they used positions and techniques for sexual intercourse that maximised indirect clitoral stimulation caused by the penis thrusting into the vagina.
“ … orgasm is most likely to come when the woman takes over responsibility for and control of her own stimulation. You always, in essence, create your own orgasm.” (p52 The Hite Reports 1993)
Since direct clitoral stimulation is thought to be more effective, today’s sex experts tend to recommend applying orgasm techniques to sex learnt from masturbation. Evidently some women do succeed with transferring their orgasm techniques from masturbation to their sex life with a partner but it would be helpful to know how successful this approach is for everyone in practice.
“For many women intercourse is not the best way to get the type of clitoral stimulation needed to have orgasm. In these cases manual or oral stimulation of the clitoris combined with intercourse and other pleasurable activities usually leads to orgasmic response.” (p113 Dictionary of Sexual Terms 1992)
Hoping for someone else’s sex life
It is sometimes implied that because someone else has succeeded with a certain technique that we might all be able to use the same orgasm techniques with the same success. Unfortunately there are no guarantees. What works for one woman will not necessarily work for another because we all have different personal backgrounds, personalities and attitudes.
The overwhelming reaction I have had when asking experts about lack of orgasm is that I am expecting too much. Essentially, if you can orgasm ever then you are luckier than most women out there. The fact that a woman can’t orgasm when she wants (e.g. during sexual activity of any description with a lover) is just plain spoilt. There is an assumption that a woman who knows how to orgasm one way (e.g. through masturbation) should be able to orgasm in any other situation (much as a man can).
Men’s innate level of arousal is usually so high (especially when younger) that they orgasm no matter how they are stimulated. So masturbation works (either alone or with a partner), oral sex works, intercourse works etc. etc. Equally, although standing can be the most natural position for masturbation alone, a man easily adapts to sitting or lying when with a partner. Women’s minds and bodies are not as flexible in the way they respond to stimuli – often we only orgasm in specific circumstances.
Explanations for women’s sexual arousal are often too vague to be useful but even when they are specific it is not clear why they do not work for all women. For example, Shere Hite catalogued a variety of positions/techniques that women use for masturbation including legs apart/together, rubbing against pillow/object, on front, on back etc. I have always masturbated on my front using my fingers to stimulate the clitoris. Despite trying other positions and vibrators none of them have worked for me.
Likewise even though many women say they get their best orgasms from oral sex, I have never found oral sex remotely arousing. Interpreting our sexual experiences in a way that can be useful to others is difficult and it may be that each woman learns differently how she can orgasm. This makes it difficult to pass on sexual experiences to others because in the end we all have to learn what works for ourselves. Perhaps a woman learns only one way to enjoy the best orgasms.
“ … orgasm is most likely to come when the woman takes over responsibility for and control of her own stimulation. You always, in essence, create your own orgasm.” (p52 The Hite Reports 1993)
Since direct clitoral stimulation is thought to be more effective, today’s sex experts tend to recommend applying orgasm techniques to sex learnt from masturbation. Evidently some women do succeed with transferring their orgasm techniques from masturbation to their sex life with a partner but it would be helpful to know how successful this approach is for everyone in practice.
“For many women intercourse is not the best way to get the type of clitoral stimulation needed to have orgasm. In these cases manual or oral stimulation of the clitoris combined with intercourse and other pleasurable activities usually leads to orgasmic response.” (p113 Dictionary of Sexual Terms 1992)
Hoping for someone else’s sex life
It is sometimes implied that because someone else has succeeded with a certain technique that we might all be able to use the same orgasm techniques with the same success. Unfortunately there are no guarantees. What works for one woman will not necessarily work for another because we all have different personal backgrounds, personalities and attitudes.
The overwhelming reaction I have had when asking experts about lack of orgasm is that I am expecting too much. Essentially, if you can orgasm ever then you are luckier than most women out there. The fact that a woman can’t orgasm when she wants (e.g. during sexual activity of any description with a lover) is just plain spoilt. There is an assumption that a woman who knows how to orgasm one way (e.g. through masturbation) should be able to orgasm in any other situation (much as a man can).
Men’s innate level of arousal is usually so high (especially when younger) that they orgasm no matter how they are stimulated. So masturbation works (either alone or with a partner), oral sex works, intercourse works etc. etc. Equally, although standing can be the most natural position for masturbation alone, a man easily adapts to sitting or lying when with a partner. Women’s minds and bodies are not as flexible in the way they respond to stimuli – often we only orgasm in specific circumstances.
Explanations for women’s sexual arousal are often too vague to be useful but even when they are specific it is not clear why they do not work for all women. For example, Shere Hite catalogued a variety of positions/techniques that women use for masturbation including legs apart/together, rubbing against pillow/object, on front, on back etc. I have always masturbated on my front using my fingers to stimulate the clitoris. Despite trying other positions and vibrators none of them have worked for me.
Likewise even though many women say they get their best orgasms from oral sex, I have never found oral sex remotely arousing. Interpreting our sexual experiences in a way that can be useful to others is difficult and it may be that each woman learns differently how she can orgasm. This makes it difficult to pass on sexual experiences to others because in the end we all have to learn what works for ourselves. Perhaps a woman learns only one way to enjoy the best orgasms.
Men's sexual arousal is usually easy
Young men wake up each morning with an erection and have spontaneous erections throughout the day as sex-related thoughts occur to them or simply as a result of seeing someone they find attractive. A boy has no choice but to learn about his sexual arousal and orgasm but, for women, learning how to orgasm is a much more conscious process.
“What’s pink and hard first thing in the morning? Answer: The Financial Times!” (The FT is a high-brow UK newspaper printed on pink paper).
Her man’s erection is a novelty in a woman’s first relationship with a man since her own anatomy provides her with no comparable experience. If a woman has an erection (of the clitoris) at all, it is only once she has the experience to know how to become highly aroused. A man’s sexual arousal can be very flattering.
In the early days, I was fascinated by the way my partner’s penis appeared to have a separate identity of its own in our sex life! Whole books have been written about the personality of the penis, the cocky blighter, with or without his hat on. But the clitoris? The clitoris is like a demure flower that hides in the face of an audience like a blushing virgin.
“There are two types of penis. One expands and lengthens when becoming erect (The Grower). The other appears big most of the time but doesn’t get much bigger (The Shower). A Men’s Health survey shows 79% of men have growers 21% have showers.” (p34 Men’s Health Magazine June 2007)
Male sexuality involves a high sex drive
Most boys discover masturbation fairly automatically in early teens. The penis is naturally the focus for physical stimulation and visual pornography provides men’s psychological sexual arousal. Men’s sexual fantasies tend to relate well to sex with a partner and so transferring orgasm techniques to sex is usually straightforward.
“It has been said that 90 per cent of men admit to masturbation and the other ten per cent are liars. … Masturbation is almost certainly less common among females than among males.” (Loving Touch 1993)
In her book ‘Hot Relationships’, Tracey Cox tells how one night her partner was so engrossed in his book that, despite sucking him off, she failed to gain his attention. This scenario is so far removed from my experience of physical intimacy with men that I have to wonder whether she was in bed with a shop dummy. The male sex drive represents a big part of how we define masculinity.
“A man is much more easily and quickly aroused, and reaches orgasm in a very short time in almost any situation.” (Healthy Sex 1998)
Especially in their younger years, alcohol may slow men down a little but they still usually manage to come even after quite a few drinks. My experience is that there is no chance that a woman will orgasm after even one drink, whether through masturbation or during sex with a partner. So if the aim of a sex session is for the woman to enjoy orgasm, make sure you do all your wining and dining after sex not before.
“What’s pink and hard first thing in the morning? Answer: The Financial Times!” (The FT is a high-brow UK newspaper printed on pink paper).
Her man’s erection is a novelty in a woman’s first relationship with a man since her own anatomy provides her with no comparable experience. If a woman has an erection (of the clitoris) at all, it is only once she has the experience to know how to become highly aroused. A man’s sexual arousal can be very flattering.
In the early days, I was fascinated by the way my partner’s penis appeared to have a separate identity of its own in our sex life! Whole books have been written about the personality of the penis, the cocky blighter, with or without his hat on. But the clitoris? The clitoris is like a demure flower that hides in the face of an audience like a blushing virgin.
“There are two types of penis. One expands and lengthens when becoming erect (The Grower). The other appears big most of the time but doesn’t get much bigger (The Shower). A Men’s Health survey shows 79% of men have growers 21% have showers.” (p34 Men’s Health Magazine June 2007)
Male sexuality involves a high sex drive
Most boys discover masturbation fairly automatically in early teens. The penis is naturally the focus for physical stimulation and visual pornography provides men’s psychological sexual arousal. Men’s sexual fantasies tend to relate well to sex with a partner and so transferring orgasm techniques to sex is usually straightforward.
“It has been said that 90 per cent of men admit to masturbation and the other ten per cent are liars. … Masturbation is almost certainly less common among females than among males.” (Loving Touch 1993)
In her book ‘Hot Relationships’, Tracey Cox tells how one night her partner was so engrossed in his book that, despite sucking him off, she failed to gain his attention. This scenario is so far removed from my experience of physical intimacy with men that I have to wonder whether she was in bed with a shop dummy. The male sex drive represents a big part of how we define masculinity.
“A man is much more easily and quickly aroused, and reaches orgasm in a very short time in almost any situation.” (Healthy Sex 1998)
Especially in their younger years, alcohol may slow men down a little but they still usually manage to come even after quite a few drinks. My experience is that there is no chance that a woman will orgasm after even one drink, whether through masturbation or during sex with a partner. So if the aim of a sex session is for the woman to enjoy orgasm, make sure you do all your wining and dining after sex not before.
Difficulty reaching orgasm during sex
The website Go Ask Alice! confirms that it is likely to be difficult for a woman to reach orgasm through intercourse since the clitoris is not located inside a woman’s vagina. They suggest that women should aim to have their orgasm during other sexual activity either before or after intercourse.
Any woman who can climax with a partner either by using orgasm techniques from masturbation or through oral sex can at least enjoy orgasm during love-making. The problem occurs when a woman never learns how to orgasm with a partner because she does not succeed with applying orgasm techniques to sex.
The pre-orgasmic woman, who can only orgasm during masturbation, has to accept that she has her orgasm during time alone and that sex with a partner involves making the most of other aspects of physical intimacy.
Expectations for the modern couple’s sex life
Sex with a partner can quite legitimately include activities other than sexual intercourse but ultimately most of us end up with a pattern for sex that includes intercourse or penetrative sex at some point.
“One thing that all words about sex have in common, the four-letter words, medical words and euphemisms, is that they include the idea of penetration of a vagina by a penis. You haven’t really “made love” unless this has happened.” (p36 Woman’s Experience of Sex – 1983).
This may simply be because Nature intended that men should get the best possible sexual satisfaction from orgasm achieved by thrusting during penetrative sex. So the issue of female orgasm during intercourse is still important even if a woman can orgasm by other means.
What amazes me is that everyone understands immediately if a man questions lack of orgasm but my dilemma often meets with a complete lack of comprehension. Exactly what is your problem – other women aren’t bothered so why should you be?
Unfortunately, a woman who is familiar with orgasm often doesn’t see the point of sexual activity without her own orgasm.
“Most women want affection and closeness and they obtain great sexual enjoyment if their partner arouses them, by stimulating their erotic areas gently and seductively; but once a woman has experienced an orgasm, she wants that too.” (p106 EveryMan 1980)
Any woman who can climax with a partner either by using orgasm techniques from masturbation or through oral sex can at least enjoy orgasm during love-making. The problem occurs when a woman never learns how to orgasm with a partner because she does not succeed with applying orgasm techniques to sex.
The pre-orgasmic woman, who can only orgasm during masturbation, has to accept that she has her orgasm during time alone and that sex with a partner involves making the most of other aspects of physical intimacy.
Expectations for the modern couple’s sex life
Sex with a partner can quite legitimately include activities other than sexual intercourse but ultimately most of us end up with a pattern for sex that includes intercourse or penetrative sex at some point.
“One thing that all words about sex have in common, the four-letter words, medical words and euphemisms, is that they include the idea of penetration of a vagina by a penis. You haven’t really “made love” unless this has happened.” (p36 Woman’s Experience of Sex – 1983).
This may simply be because Nature intended that men should get the best possible sexual satisfaction from orgasm achieved by thrusting during penetrative sex. So the issue of female orgasm during intercourse is still important even if a woman can orgasm by other means.
What amazes me is that everyone understands immediately if a man questions lack of orgasm but my dilemma often meets with a complete lack of comprehension. Exactly what is your problem – other women aren’t bothered so why should you be?
Unfortunately, a woman who is familiar with orgasm often doesn’t see the point of sexual activity without her own orgasm.
“Most women want affection and closeness and they obtain great sexual enjoyment if their partner arouses them, by stimulating their erotic areas gently and seductively; but once a woman has experienced an orgasm, she wants that too.” (p106 EveryMan 1980)
Wednesday, 10 June 2009
How to Orgasm (If You're a Woman!)
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