Men’s sexual arousal is usually easy, which gives them a natural advantage. As a consequence, while men can usually hope for orgasm from their sexual encounters, most women have to settle for the more diffused sensations of sexual arousal.
“Sex is a very different experience for women and men. A man experiences pleasure primarily as a release of sexual tension. A woman experiences sex in an opposite way. For her, the great joys of sex correspond to a gradual build up of tension. …
A man’s immediate desire to touch and be touched in his sensitive zones is a given. He does not need much help in getting excited. He needs help in releasing or letting go of this excitement. In a sense, he seeks to end his excitement, while a woman seeks to extend her excitement to feel more deeply her inner longing.” (p27 Mars & Venus in the Bedroom 1995)
Love and romance make a woman amenable to a a sexual relationship but do not by themselves create orgasm. Over time, a man needs to offer some sensual pleasuring focused on his partner’s sexual arousal so that sex holds some rewards for her.
Women need other compensations for sex
After all, not many men would be happy about not having orgasms with intercourse…
“Although there has been some disagreement in the past as to whether the absence of coital orgasms without accompanying manual clitoral stimulation is an abnormality per se, most sexologists today have concluded that this is not the case. … This distinction is often of little solace to a woman who is unhappy about not having orgasms with intercourse, however, even if she is vehemently reassured that she is completely normal.” (p587 Human Sexuality (fifth edition) 1995)
For a long time, I found it difficult to interpret this advice. Initially I was outraged at the implication that women are happy settling for emotional (as opposed to physical) pleasure from their sex life.
Orgasm may not be the critical goal for women that it typically is for men, nevertheless any woman who is familar with orgasm from masturbation, questions why sex does not automatically lead to female orgasm.
It is often implied (wrongly) that a woman can orgasm as easily as men do via other means with a partner e.g. oral sex or mutual masturbation. Yet experts I have talked to have admitted that a woman is lucky if she finds even one way to orgasm.
Given the fact that women do not enjoy orgasm as easily through intercourse as men do, women often settle for sexual arousal and sensual massage with a partner. This does not mean that women do not hope to reach orgasm in general but that they accept that it is difficult to achieve through sex with a partner. This has certainly been my experience.
Posted in: Enjoying sex play
Showing posts with label reach orgasm. Show all posts
Showing posts with label reach orgasm. Show all posts
Friday, 16 October 2009
The sexual politics of female sexual desire
All the modern day hype about female sexuality was in part sparked off by the work of Alfred Kinsey. Kinsey’s report ‘Sexual behaviour in the human female’ (published 1953) documented for the first time women’s accounts of how they also enjoyed sexual desire.
The world was not so different in the 1950’s. Technology may appear to have changed the world beyond recognition but attitudes are slower to change. Human nature does not change at all.
So if there are women today who can insist on how easy orgasm is with a partner, despite all the experiences of other women to the contrary and a few inconvenient facts, then why not in the 1950’s? After all, Kinsey’s researh only documented what women told him.
Even today, women who claim easy orgasm with a partner can rarely explain how they reach orgasm. Orgasms ‘just happen’. Very few women have an appreciation of the eroticism that leads to sexual arousal, which explains why so few women masturbate.
Sure there are women who enjoy adventurous sex play with a lover. I know because I’m one of them. Sure there are women who enjoy their own sexual arousal and orgasm through masturbation. But this is very different to saying that all women are as sexual as all men.
It’s quite clear to me that men have a much greater interest in eroticism than I do. They also masturbate (on average) more than I do and they are more likely to pay for sex than I am.
It is ludicrous that we are not able to talk about the ‘male sex drive’. ‘Modern’ women are assumed to have an equal ‘female sex drive’. How do we explain that prostitution still thrives as much as it ever did? Children have to work it out for themselves.
Why do women have to be more like men to be valid?
In order to prove ‘equality’, some feminists insist that women can enjoy their own sexuality (through pregnancy, child-bearing and breast feeding) as well as a definition of sexuality that was originally based on the male experience.
So all women have been put into the awkward position of having their sexuality assumed for them. Any woman who cannot fit within the definition of ‘normal’ is deemed to be sexually inadequate. Instead of sex becoming more open and honest it just got a whole lot more embarrassing. Now women are not able to discuss their sexual experiences at all even if they wanted to.
Women’s difficulties with sexual desire are hushed up. Thus any possible chance of understanding women’s range of experiences from ‘easy orgasm during sex’ to ‘no orgasm ever’ can never be explored. Most sources never even admit the facts.
“Between 10 and 15 percent of women never reach an orgam at all, even during masturbation. Another 10 to 15 percent achieve orgasm only through masturbation. Only approximately 30 percent of women reach orgasm through intercourse alone. Perhaps as many women have never reached orgasm during intercourse. Inability to have orgasm during intercourse is the second most common sexual complaint of women – behind lack of sexual desire.” (p194 Secrets of Better Sex 1997)
Today women have a much higher level of general education and higher confidence. They are less dependent on men both financially and emotionally. They can question their sexual experiences much more confidently. There is less taboo about sex.
My discussion of sex is for those women who are confident of their sexuality and their ability to evaluate their own experiences. If you have not found any answers elsewhere you may find my more logical presentation helpful. If not, then no harm done.
Women should feel free to share their experiences whatever they are. At the end of the day much of what is said about sex is purely opinion. If we are to find a common basis for discussion, we have to first find other people who share our own opinions.
The world was not so different in the 1950’s. Technology may appear to have changed the world beyond recognition but attitudes are slower to change. Human nature does not change at all.
So if there are women today who can insist on how easy orgasm is with a partner, despite all the experiences of other women to the contrary and a few inconvenient facts, then why not in the 1950’s? After all, Kinsey’s researh only documented what women told him.
Even today, women who claim easy orgasm with a partner can rarely explain how they reach orgasm. Orgasms ‘just happen’. Very few women have an appreciation of the eroticism that leads to sexual arousal, which explains why so few women masturbate.
Sure there are women who enjoy adventurous sex play with a lover. I know because I’m one of them. Sure there are women who enjoy their own sexual arousal and orgasm through masturbation. But this is very different to saying that all women are as sexual as all men.
It’s quite clear to me that men have a much greater interest in eroticism than I do. They also masturbate (on average) more than I do and they are more likely to pay for sex than I am.
It is ludicrous that we are not able to talk about the ‘male sex drive’. ‘Modern’ women are assumed to have an equal ‘female sex drive’. How do we explain that prostitution still thrives as much as it ever did? Children have to work it out for themselves.
Why do women have to be more like men to be valid?
In order to prove ‘equality’, some feminists insist that women can enjoy their own sexuality (through pregnancy, child-bearing and breast feeding) as well as a definition of sexuality that was originally based on the male experience.
So all women have been put into the awkward position of having their sexuality assumed for them. Any woman who cannot fit within the definition of ‘normal’ is deemed to be sexually inadequate. Instead of sex becoming more open and honest it just got a whole lot more embarrassing. Now women are not able to discuss their sexual experiences at all even if they wanted to.
Women’s difficulties with sexual desire are hushed up. Thus any possible chance of understanding women’s range of experiences from ‘easy orgasm during sex’ to ‘no orgasm ever’ can never be explored. Most sources never even admit the facts.
“Between 10 and 15 percent of women never reach an orgam at all, even during masturbation. Another 10 to 15 percent achieve orgasm only through masturbation. Only approximately 30 percent of women reach orgasm through intercourse alone. Perhaps as many women have never reached orgasm during intercourse. Inability to have orgasm during intercourse is the second most common sexual complaint of women – behind lack of sexual desire.” (p194 Secrets of Better Sex 1997)
Today women have a much higher level of general education and higher confidence. They are less dependent on men both financially and emotionally. They can question their sexual experiences much more confidently. There is less taboo about sex.
My discussion of sex is for those women who are confident of their sexuality and their ability to evaluate their own experiences. If you have not found any answers elsewhere you may find my more logical presentation helpful. If not, then no harm done.
Women should feel free to share their experiences whatever they are. At the end of the day much of what is said about sex is purely opinion. If we are to find a common basis for discussion, we have to first find other people who share our own opinions.
What sex experts have told me
When my partner and I decided to get married, my partner’s male work colleagues took him out for a beer to try to convince him that marriage would mean the end of his sex life.
Naturally no woman has ever given me the same warning. I accepted early on that a woman needs to invest in sex for her man’s sake. Even so, I was prepared to believe that there was something wrong with me.
So when I first talked to therapists, I simply wanted to understand how other women were able to reach orgasm during sex. What surprised me was that my questions were met with so much defensiveness.
They insisted that women have an equal sex drive and reach orgasm easily during sex with a partner. Later I realised that my own starting point of orgasm through masturbation was part of the problem.
For example, I was shocked to realise that not every sex expert agrees that a woman needs to stimulate her clitoris (her sex organ) in order to orgasm. A male sex expert told me: “We don’t have enough data to say that clit stim is “required” as is fantasy. The fact that some women find that works well for them does not prove it is required. Some women report orgasm by fantasy alone, some by massage of the skin alone, some by BDSM. Kinsey pointed out the huge range of human sexual behavior.”
I agree that BDSM (Bondage, Domination, Sadism & Masochism) may cause sexual arousal. But once a person is sexually aroused why wouldn’t they want to stimulate their genitals (clitoris/penis) in order to experience orgasm? Men certainly do.
Even today most women limit their sexual experiences to vaginal intercourse so they are not necessarily familiar with orgasm. Kinsey only documented what women told him and women in the 1950’s were unlikely to know any better than women today.
Very few women are familiar with orgasm
Many women, even therapists and sex experts, have been unenthusiastic about female masturbation. One marriage guidance counsellor evidently believed that female masturbation was something that only lesbian women did.
It is a given that a man masturbates. Men live with daily erections and they need to release sexual tension through masturbation. Hence the porn magazines. The fact is that relatively few women learn how to masturbate.
Sex experts are never required to acknowledge the limits to their own sexual experiences. So women (and even men) can advise on female orgasm without any direct experience of how a woman reaches orgasm through female masturbation.
The female director a reputable sex clinic in London’s Harley Street, commented: “I also believe that you are still over focused on the clitoris and the view that clitoral stimulation is ‘the real thing’ and that women generally are not satisfied through intercourse; again because of your own experience. I agree with you that in many cases this is the fact, but there are also many women who can have satisfying orgasms through sexual intercourse.“
Women have been quick to insist that they do orgasm from intercourse but they never describe HOW they reach orgasm. If women use clitoral stimulation and sexual fantasies during female masturbation, what do they substitute during sex with a partner? It was this defensiveness and the lack of reasonable explanations for orgasm that caused me to doubt.
A British female therapist commented: “You mention nothing of the G-spot or the fact that he clitoris extends deep into the body cavity and therefore can be stimulation through thrusting. It’s still true that fewer women enjoy orgasm through penetration…”
So why is the fact that some women cannot enjoy orgasm through penetration not published as part of the whole picture of female sexuality? The fact is that many women never to orgasm by any means. Equally the few women, who are familiar with orgasm from masturbation, often never learn how to share the same experience with a partner (and not through lack of trying!).
Naturally no woman has ever given me the same warning. I accepted early on that a woman needs to invest in sex for her man’s sake. Even so, I was prepared to believe that there was something wrong with me.
So when I first talked to therapists, I simply wanted to understand how other women were able to reach orgasm during sex. What surprised me was that my questions were met with so much defensiveness.
They insisted that women have an equal sex drive and reach orgasm easily during sex with a partner. Later I realised that my own starting point of orgasm through masturbation was part of the problem.
For example, I was shocked to realise that not every sex expert agrees that a woman needs to stimulate her clitoris (her sex organ) in order to orgasm. A male sex expert told me: “We don’t have enough data to say that clit stim is “required” as is fantasy. The fact that some women find that works well for them does not prove it is required. Some women report orgasm by fantasy alone, some by massage of the skin alone, some by BDSM. Kinsey pointed out the huge range of human sexual behavior.”
I agree that BDSM (Bondage, Domination, Sadism & Masochism) may cause sexual arousal. But once a person is sexually aroused why wouldn’t they want to stimulate their genitals (clitoris/penis) in order to experience orgasm? Men certainly do.
Even today most women limit their sexual experiences to vaginal intercourse so they are not necessarily familiar with orgasm. Kinsey only documented what women told him and women in the 1950’s were unlikely to know any better than women today.
Very few women are familiar with orgasm
Many women, even therapists and sex experts, have been unenthusiastic about female masturbation. One marriage guidance counsellor evidently believed that female masturbation was something that only lesbian women did.
It is a given that a man masturbates. Men live with daily erections and they need to release sexual tension through masturbation. Hence the porn magazines. The fact is that relatively few women learn how to masturbate.
Sex experts are never required to acknowledge the limits to their own sexual experiences. So women (and even men) can advise on female orgasm without any direct experience of how a woman reaches orgasm through female masturbation.
The female director a reputable sex clinic in London’s Harley Street, commented: “I also believe that you are still over focused on the clitoris and the view that clitoral stimulation is ‘the real thing’ and that women generally are not satisfied through intercourse; again because of your own experience. I agree with you that in many cases this is the fact, but there are also many women who can have satisfying orgasms through sexual intercourse.“
Women have been quick to insist that they do orgasm from intercourse but they never describe HOW they reach orgasm. If women use clitoral stimulation and sexual fantasies during female masturbation, what do they substitute during sex with a partner? It was this defensiveness and the lack of reasonable explanations for orgasm that caused me to doubt.
A British female therapist commented: “You mention nothing of the G-spot or the fact that he clitoris extends deep into the body cavity and therefore can be stimulation through thrusting. It’s still true that fewer women enjoy orgasm through penetration…”
So why is the fact that some women cannot enjoy orgasm through penetration not published as part of the whole picture of female sexuality? The fact is that many women never to orgasm by any means. Equally the few women, who are familiar with orgasm from masturbation, often never learn how to share the same experience with a partner (and not through lack of trying!).
How to orgasm
Shere Hite explained how women apply orgasm techniques in order to reach orgasm during intercourse. Women’s sexual arousal and orgasm is not automatic and so women have to learn how to orgasm. Inevitably, such techniques take time to develop.
“ … the two reasons women don’t orgasm during intercourse are:
(1) they are given false information, specifically they are told that the penis thrusting in the vagina will cause orgasm; and
(2) they are intimidated from exploring and touching their bodies… They do not control their own stimulation.” (p53 The Hite Reports 1993)
Research indicates that masturbation is innate but sex itself is learned. We know that vaginal intercourse is reproductive and so we assume it also leads to sexual pleasure.
Unfortunately, female orgasm is not required for reproduction and so vaginal intercourse is not designed, either physically or psychologically, to provide a woman with orgasm. Luckily other sexual activities can be just as enjoyable as (if not more than) intercourse.
Intercourse naturally allows a man to control his own physical stimulation (of the penis) through thrusting. Even if the woman takes the initiative and ‘rides’ her man from on top, she is still stimulating his penis with her vagina. A couple needs to build into their sex life the same freedom for the woman to obtain the clitoral stimulation that she needs.
Clitoral stimulation is not everything
If a woman knows how to masturbate to orgasm, she may be able to obtain the additional clitoral stimulation she needs by applying her orgasm techniques to sex while her man penetrates her. Either her partner stimulates her clitoris or more usually she masturbates herself during intercourse using a rear-entry position e.g. in the spoon position (imagine spoons lying side by side in the drawer).
Of course, this kind of sensitive technique is difficult for a man to learn as he needs to rely on his partner’s feedback. The likely areas, equivalent to the erogenous areas in a man, include the labia themselves (the length of the penis), either side of the labia (the testicles), the entrance to the vagina (base of the penis) and around the anus.
A man needs to learn how his partner reacts when stimulation is pleasurable. The signs of sexual arousal in a woman are subtler than for a man but include the degree and consistency of her vaginal fluids, the extent that the vaginal entrance and labia are swollen and the degree of clitoral erection.
“Forget the missionary position. Most men think that if they stick it in you you’ll be screaming with orgasm, just as long as they keep at it enough” says Ruth, 30. “It’s just not so. No matter how much you pump, nothing is going to happen, apart from her writing a mental shopping list for Tesco. Unless, of course the clitoris is involved. And that’s physically impossible if you’re lying on top.” (Men’s Health magazine Jan/Feb 1998)
Transferring orgasm techniques from masturbation to sex can be difficult for a woman because some sexual fantasies are more difficult to use during sex with a partner. Unfortunately not every woman is able to focus on fantasy during sex.
“ … the two reasons women don’t orgasm during intercourse are:
(1) they are given false information, specifically they are told that the penis thrusting in the vagina will cause orgasm; and
(2) they are intimidated from exploring and touching their bodies… They do not control their own stimulation.” (p53 The Hite Reports 1993)
Research indicates that masturbation is innate but sex itself is learned. We know that vaginal intercourse is reproductive and so we assume it also leads to sexual pleasure.
Unfortunately, female orgasm is not required for reproduction and so vaginal intercourse is not designed, either physically or psychologically, to provide a woman with orgasm. Luckily other sexual activities can be just as enjoyable as (if not more than) intercourse.
Intercourse naturally allows a man to control his own physical stimulation (of the penis) through thrusting. Even if the woman takes the initiative and ‘rides’ her man from on top, she is still stimulating his penis with her vagina. A couple needs to build into their sex life the same freedom for the woman to obtain the clitoral stimulation that she needs.
Clitoral stimulation is not everything
If a woman knows how to masturbate to orgasm, she may be able to obtain the additional clitoral stimulation she needs by applying her orgasm techniques to sex while her man penetrates her. Either her partner stimulates her clitoris or more usually she masturbates herself during intercourse using a rear-entry position e.g. in the spoon position (imagine spoons lying side by side in the drawer).
Of course, this kind of sensitive technique is difficult for a man to learn as he needs to rely on his partner’s feedback. The likely areas, equivalent to the erogenous areas in a man, include the labia themselves (the length of the penis), either side of the labia (the testicles), the entrance to the vagina (base of the penis) and around the anus.
A man needs to learn how his partner reacts when stimulation is pleasurable. The signs of sexual arousal in a woman are subtler than for a man but include the degree and consistency of her vaginal fluids, the extent that the vaginal entrance and labia are swollen and the degree of clitoral erection.
“Forget the missionary position. Most men think that if they stick it in you you’ll be screaming with orgasm, just as long as they keep at it enough” says Ruth, 30. “It’s just not so. No matter how much you pump, nothing is going to happen, apart from her writing a mental shopping list for Tesco. Unless, of course the clitoris is involved. And that’s physically impossible if you’re lying on top.” (Men’s Health magazine Jan/Feb 1998)
Transferring orgasm techniques from masturbation to sex can be difficult for a woman because some sexual fantasies are more difficult to use during sex with a partner. Unfortunately not every woman is able to focus on fantasy during sex.
Men's sexual arousal is much more easily achieved
In the film ‘True Lies’ Jamie Lee Curtis, as the dowdy housewife turned spy in the role of a prostitute, performs a sexy pole dance for her screen husband Arnold Schwarzenegger.
It seems so natural that a man’s sexual arousal comes from admiring a woman’s body. Yet we never question why a man’s foreplay techniques do not include him using his body to provide a woman’s sexual arousal. For example, a man’s foreplay techniques do not typically include wearing exotic underwear, clothing that accentuates his sexual attributes or moving his body in a provocative manner.
Throughout history, a woman’s priority has been to ensure that she had a man who could protect her (and her children) rather than help her reach orgasm.
“The truth is that, just as women have spent centuries being selected by men for their desirability as sex objects. Women have been evaluating men as success objects. By this we mean that women evaluate men both as successful protectors, particularly in violent times, and as successful providers.” (p34 How Men can get more Sex and Women can get more Love 1994)
The mystery of female sexual arousal
Unfortunately, there is nothing either easy or automatic about female orgasm, especially during sex with a partner. Not only do we lack men’s spontaneous sexual arousal, women also do not get turned on by the physical attributes of a sexual partner in the way that men are.
Nevertheless, portrayals of female sexuality imply that we are able to generate the same levels of sexual arousal as a man even though we lack the same natural advantages. We often have difficulty interpreting our sexual experiences and it is easy to confuse women’s own sexual arousal with their ability to arouse men.
Female sexual arousal is often defined in terms of a woman’s attractiveness to men rather than her own true state of sexual arousal. Even when a woman describe’s herself as ‘turned on’ or ‘horny’ but this is more likely to indicate that she is amenable to having sex than that she is close to orgasm.
“Many men believe that if a woman excites them sexually and looks sexy, she must be experiencing sexual feelings – in other words, if she looks sexy she must feel sexy; if she’s exciting me, she must be excited, too. The man projects his own excitement onto the woman.” (p85 How Men can get more Sex and Women can get more Love 1994)
Men’s sexual arousal is usually easy and, since men hope a lover will enhance their sexual arousal, women often have sex with men for reasons other than their own orgasm:
In the shorter term, a woman can find sex fun and even exhilarating without orgasm if she appreciates being able to excite a man sexually and if her ego is flattered by the sexual compliment
In the longer term, a woman may find other life priorities (such as children) but she still needs to offer a mate enough sex to stop him wandering off with someone more amenable
Some women might hope for an adventurous sex life (or even for sexual arousal and orgasm during sex) but, luckily for all of us, most women do not approach their relationships with men demanding ‘success’ in their sex life. Since women have lower sexual desire they tend to settle for companionship, love and affection, which depend on knowing and liking a person.
It seems so natural that a man’s sexual arousal comes from admiring a woman’s body. Yet we never question why a man’s foreplay techniques do not include him using his body to provide a woman’s sexual arousal. For example, a man’s foreplay techniques do not typically include wearing exotic underwear, clothing that accentuates his sexual attributes or moving his body in a provocative manner.
Throughout history, a woman’s priority has been to ensure that she had a man who could protect her (and her children) rather than help her reach orgasm.
“The truth is that, just as women have spent centuries being selected by men for their desirability as sex objects. Women have been evaluating men as success objects. By this we mean that women evaluate men both as successful protectors, particularly in violent times, and as successful providers.” (p34 How Men can get more Sex and Women can get more Love 1994)
The mystery of female sexual arousal
Unfortunately, there is nothing either easy or automatic about female orgasm, especially during sex with a partner. Not only do we lack men’s spontaneous sexual arousal, women also do not get turned on by the physical attributes of a sexual partner in the way that men are.
Nevertheless, portrayals of female sexuality imply that we are able to generate the same levels of sexual arousal as a man even though we lack the same natural advantages. We often have difficulty interpreting our sexual experiences and it is easy to confuse women’s own sexual arousal with their ability to arouse men.
Female sexual arousal is often defined in terms of a woman’s attractiveness to men rather than her own true state of sexual arousal. Even when a woman describe’s herself as ‘turned on’ or ‘horny’ but this is more likely to indicate that she is amenable to having sex than that she is close to orgasm.
“Many men believe that if a woman excites them sexually and looks sexy, she must be experiencing sexual feelings – in other words, if she looks sexy she must feel sexy; if she’s exciting me, she must be excited, too. The man projects his own excitement onto the woman.” (p85 How Men can get more Sex and Women can get more Love 1994)
Men’s sexual arousal is usually easy and, since men hope a lover will enhance their sexual arousal, women often have sex with men for reasons other than their own orgasm:
In the shorter term, a woman can find sex fun and even exhilarating without orgasm if she appreciates being able to excite a man sexually and if her ego is flattered by the sexual compliment
In the longer term, a woman may find other life priorities (such as children) but she still needs to offer a mate enough sex to stop him wandering off with someone more amenable
Some women might hope for an adventurous sex life (or even for sexual arousal and orgasm during sex) but, luckily for all of us, most women do not approach their relationships with men demanding ‘success’ in their sex life. Since women have lower sexual desire they tend to settle for companionship, love and affection, which depend on knowing and liking a person.
Thursday, 15 October 2009
Women have a lower sex drive
Men’s sexual arousal is usually easy whereas women’s sexual arousal and orgasm is not automatic so unsurprisingly we all tend to find it easier to focus on male sexual arousal during sex.
A man’s orgasm is critical to reproduction and so it makes sense that men are motivated by eroticism and able to reach orgasm easily.
Female orgasm, on the other hand, is not required for a woman to conceive. As much as we might hope for women who can orgasm as easily as men even the wonders of modern contraception cannot change women’s sexuality from what Nature intended it to be.
“ …men and women are manifestly not the same. And nor are their responses to one another.” (p6 Bluffer’s Guide to Men 1998)
If a couple has some understanding of the different rewards that men and women obtain from sex, they can make sure that there is a balance of giving and receiving in their sex life. If we understand how our partner’s responses differ to our own, the modern couple can aspire to ‘quality’ sex within the context of a positive and mutually supportive relationship.
Male sexual arousal is much more automatic
Unlike boys, girls do not experience spontaneous sexual arousal and so they have no similar natural motivation to investigate how their genitals might respond to stimulation. A girl has to be willing to explore eroticism and consciously develop her fantasies in order to discover how her sexual arousal works.
So while most young men are quite naturally motivated to explore their own sexual arousal and to reach orgasm through an appreciation of eroticism and genital stimulation, most young women are, just as naturally, more focused on exploring their emotions and relationships with others. As a consequence, men and women approach sex from very different perspectives.
“…many boys, and nearly all girls, are taught that masturbation is evil, … This is nonsense, of course; masturbation has several very positive values, especially for women.… In childhood and adolescence it teaches a girl to explore her body and not to be ashamed of its shape, its texture, and its surfaces. It teaches her, especially, not to be ashamed of touching and playing with her genitals. It does more. It helps a girl become aware of her response to sexual stimuli and to recognize the stages of sexual arousal. And it enables a girl to develop her own sexuality – to know what she enjoys and what she dislikes – which is important if she is to be fulfilled sexually later.” (p107 EveryMan 1980)
The fact that women masturbate much less frequently (if at all) than men is rarely acknowledged. Even when it is, women are reluctant to accept that this fact indicates that men have a higher sex drive. One woman I spoke to had only learned how to orgasm through masturbation at the age of 26 and at the age of 30 had still not been able to orgasm during sex with a partner.
Despite the contrast with male sexuality, where boys learn to masturbate in their pre-teens and where men orgasm easily (most of the time) with a partner, she could not accept that men’s sex drive might be stronger. Even once they have discovered how to reach orgasm, women have to work much harder at generating sexual arousal.
Relatively few women are familiar with their own sexual arousal and even fewer learn how to apply their orgasm techniques to sex with a partner. A woman who has never masturbated herself to orgasm cannot possibly know for sure that she experiences orgasm during sex because she has no way of knowing what orgasm is.
This probably also explains multiple orgasms. Unless a woman knows what orgasm feels like (from masturbation) she can easily confuse sensations of sexual arousal (or thrills of muscle spasms) with orgasm. My body’s reaction after orgasm is similar to a man’s. I feel completely relaxed and I do not have the ability to arouse myself immediately due to clitoral sensitivity.
A man’s orgasm is critical to reproduction and so it makes sense that men are motivated by eroticism and able to reach orgasm easily.
Female orgasm, on the other hand, is not required for a woman to conceive. As much as we might hope for women who can orgasm as easily as men even the wonders of modern contraception cannot change women’s sexuality from what Nature intended it to be.
“ …men and women are manifestly not the same. And nor are their responses to one another.” (p6 Bluffer’s Guide to Men 1998)
If a couple has some understanding of the different rewards that men and women obtain from sex, they can make sure that there is a balance of giving and receiving in their sex life. If we understand how our partner’s responses differ to our own, the modern couple can aspire to ‘quality’ sex within the context of a positive and mutually supportive relationship.
Male sexual arousal is much more automatic
Unlike boys, girls do not experience spontaneous sexual arousal and so they have no similar natural motivation to investigate how their genitals might respond to stimulation. A girl has to be willing to explore eroticism and consciously develop her fantasies in order to discover how her sexual arousal works.
So while most young men are quite naturally motivated to explore their own sexual arousal and to reach orgasm through an appreciation of eroticism and genital stimulation, most young women are, just as naturally, more focused on exploring their emotions and relationships with others. As a consequence, men and women approach sex from very different perspectives.
“…many boys, and nearly all girls, are taught that masturbation is evil, … This is nonsense, of course; masturbation has several very positive values, especially for women.… In childhood and adolescence it teaches a girl to explore her body and not to be ashamed of its shape, its texture, and its surfaces. It teaches her, especially, not to be ashamed of touching and playing with her genitals. It does more. It helps a girl become aware of her response to sexual stimuli and to recognize the stages of sexual arousal. And it enables a girl to develop her own sexuality – to know what she enjoys and what she dislikes – which is important if she is to be fulfilled sexually later.” (p107 EveryMan 1980)
The fact that women masturbate much less frequently (if at all) than men is rarely acknowledged. Even when it is, women are reluctant to accept that this fact indicates that men have a higher sex drive. One woman I spoke to had only learned how to orgasm through masturbation at the age of 26 and at the age of 30 had still not been able to orgasm during sex with a partner.
Despite the contrast with male sexuality, where boys learn to masturbate in their pre-teens and where men orgasm easily (most of the time) with a partner, she could not accept that men’s sex drive might be stronger. Even once they have discovered how to reach orgasm, women have to work much harder at generating sexual arousal.
Relatively few women are familiar with their own sexual arousal and even fewer learn how to apply their orgasm techniques to sex with a partner. A woman who has never masturbated herself to orgasm cannot possibly know for sure that she experiences orgasm during sex because she has no way of knowing what orgasm is.
This probably also explains multiple orgasms. Unless a woman knows what orgasm feels like (from masturbation) she can easily confuse sensations of sexual arousal (or thrills of muscle spasms) with orgasm. My body’s reaction after orgasm is similar to a man’s. I feel completely relaxed and I do not have the ability to arouse myself immediately due to clitoral sensitivity.
Positions and techniques for sexual intercourse
Shere Hite explained back in the 1970’s how the women in her surveys reached orgasm during sex with a partner. She compared women’s success with orgasm during masturbation to their experience of intercourse and concluded that it was the lack of clitoral stimulation that explained the difference.
Women’s sexual arousal and orgasm is not automatic and so women have to learn how to orgasm.
“To have an orgasm during intercourse, there are two ways a woman can increase her chances always remembering that she is adapting her body to less than adequate stimulation.
(1) First and most important, she must consciously try to apply her masturbation techniques to intercourse, or experiment to find out what else may work for her to get clitoral stimulation; or,
(2) she can work out a sexual relationship with a particular man who can meet her individual needs.” (p51 The Hite Reports 1993)
The only women Shere Hite categorised as able to reach orgasm from intercourse alone were those who did not manually stimulate the clitoris during sex. In attempting to understand how these women were successful with intercourse, she concluded that they usually took steps to ensure that they maximised the effects of indirect clitoral stimulation (from the action of the penis thrusting in the vagina) by finding suitable positions and techniques for sexual intercourse.
Finding an effective position for intercourse can take years
Liz, an attractive professional woman in her late forties, was confident in offering me advice. She told me to get a copy of Alex Comfort’s book ‘Joy of Sex’ and that “everything else would follow”. She and her partner had found a position for intercourse that made it possible for her to reach orgasm. They had evolved their use of this position over a number of years not by explicit discussion but through trial and error. Liz confirmed that she used sexual fantasies during sex for sexual arousal and orgasm.
Of the women I talked to, those who told me they experienced orgasms during sex were often dismissive of female masturbation. Without the experience of orgasm from masturbation, a woman is more accepting of sex without orgasm. If over time, she does eventually find a way to make intercourse orgasmic then she only stands to be pleasantly surprised. Since these women have no other sexual outlet, if they are ever to enjoy indulging their sexual instincts it has to be during sex with a partner.
“Twenty-five to 30 percent of women climax without additional clitoral stimulation. Experts believe these women may have a larger clitoris than usual so it’s more easily ‘rubbed’ by a thrusting penis.” (p101 Hot Sex – 1998)
Liz was evidently not relaxed about discussing sex and admitted that she was unenthusiastic about female masturbation. Ten or more years into a relationship, many couples will be in their thirties. The man is likely to be less trigger-happy and hence able to spend longer stimulating his partner through thrusting. The woman may find that her body is more receptive to being aroused. A healthy amount of ‘inhibited’ under-the-covers sex (with the lights off) would actually facilitate a woman’s use of sexual fantasies.
Women’s sexual arousal and orgasm is not automatic and so women have to learn how to orgasm.
“To have an orgasm during intercourse, there are two ways a woman can increase her chances always remembering that she is adapting her body to less than adequate stimulation.
(1) First and most important, she must consciously try to apply her masturbation techniques to intercourse, or experiment to find out what else may work for her to get clitoral stimulation; or,
(2) she can work out a sexual relationship with a particular man who can meet her individual needs.” (p51 The Hite Reports 1993)
The only women Shere Hite categorised as able to reach orgasm from intercourse alone were those who did not manually stimulate the clitoris during sex. In attempting to understand how these women were successful with intercourse, she concluded that they usually took steps to ensure that they maximised the effects of indirect clitoral stimulation (from the action of the penis thrusting in the vagina) by finding suitable positions and techniques for sexual intercourse.
Finding an effective position for intercourse can take years
Liz, an attractive professional woman in her late forties, was confident in offering me advice. She told me to get a copy of Alex Comfort’s book ‘Joy of Sex’ and that “everything else would follow”. She and her partner had found a position for intercourse that made it possible for her to reach orgasm. They had evolved their use of this position over a number of years not by explicit discussion but through trial and error. Liz confirmed that she used sexual fantasies during sex for sexual arousal and orgasm.
Of the women I talked to, those who told me they experienced orgasms during sex were often dismissive of female masturbation. Without the experience of orgasm from masturbation, a woman is more accepting of sex without orgasm. If over time, she does eventually find a way to make intercourse orgasmic then she only stands to be pleasantly surprised. Since these women have no other sexual outlet, if they are ever to enjoy indulging their sexual instincts it has to be during sex with a partner.
“Twenty-five to 30 percent of women climax without additional clitoral stimulation. Experts believe these women may have a larger clitoris than usual so it’s more easily ‘rubbed’ by a thrusting penis.” (p101 Hot Sex – 1998)
Liz was evidently not relaxed about discussing sex and admitted that she was unenthusiastic about female masturbation. Ten or more years into a relationship, many couples will be in their thirties. The man is likely to be less trigger-happy and hence able to spend longer stimulating his partner through thrusting. The woman may find that her body is more receptive to being aroused. A healthy amount of ‘inhibited’ under-the-covers sex (with the lights off) would actually facilitate a woman’s use of sexual fantasies.
How to women reach orgasm with a partner?
Everyone says “but it all works fine for other women”. My question is “How?”
Men have more testosterone. Men get turned on by anything that moves in a skirt with legs. They masturbate to a man from a young age. They heckle, they ask women to dance, they proposition, etc. Etc.
What do women do? They wait to be asked. Is that a sign of sex drive or sexual arousal?
I don’t mind being proven wrong. If all those millions of other women want to come forward and tell me how their sexuality works to enable them to reach orgasm pretty much as spontaneously as men, then I’d really like to hear from them.
In fact, I would like to hear from any woman on the planet who is willing to stand by her sexual instincts. I don’t mind if she’s never had a sexual urge or orgasm in her life. That at least is believable.
What is not believable is anyone who suggests that women respond sexually much as men do.
When you look around the web it is interesting to see just how rare it is that a woman describes exactly how she reaches orgasm with a partner. There’s lots of talk about female orgasm and what it feels like but women know this from female masturbation.
Expert advice about lack of orgasm often focuses on the suggestion that women might be suffering from some vague psychological trauma or have relationship difficulties. Others question whether orgasm is even that important. All these comments indicate that we are talking about women because men would not relate to this advice.
Some experts suggest that women need to employ relaxation and muscle tensing exercises in order to orgasm with a partner. Imagine suggesting this to a man! Exactly how does it help with arousal if you clench your pelvic muscles? No one ever comments on the mental aspects of arousal.
Despite the fact that women use fantasy during female masturbation, there is no discussion of how women might also use sexual fantasies during sex. If they do not use fantasy then what do they substitute during sex in place of fantasy? We know that women do not get turned on by a lover’s body in the same way that men do.
Other experts use intimidation tactics. Some suggest that if a woman knows how to orgasm from female masturbation then it is as simple as doing the exact same thing during sex with a partner. Others suggest that women need to be more assertive in telling their partner what physical stimulation they need during sex. The effect is to trivialise the difficulties that women have with orgasm.
By patronising women and implying that female orgasm with a partner is easy, experts silence women. In fact, they use these techniques to have their suggestions accepted, however ineffective they might be. Some women may be able to orgasm with a partner with additional (manual or oral) clitoral stimulation but this does not mean that all women will be able to.
Experts never disclose how they (or their partners, in the case of male experts) achieve the psychological sexual arousal necessary for orgasm during sex. The implicit assumption is that women experience the same kind of spontaneous arousal from a sexual partner’s body much the same as men do and that physical stimulation techniques are all that is required in order to enable women to orgasm during sex.
Men have more testosterone. Men get turned on by anything that moves in a skirt with legs. They masturbate to a man from a young age. They heckle, they ask women to dance, they proposition, etc. Etc.
What do women do? They wait to be asked. Is that a sign of sex drive or sexual arousal?
I don’t mind being proven wrong. If all those millions of other women want to come forward and tell me how their sexuality works to enable them to reach orgasm pretty much as spontaneously as men, then I’d really like to hear from them.
In fact, I would like to hear from any woman on the planet who is willing to stand by her sexual instincts. I don’t mind if she’s never had a sexual urge or orgasm in her life. That at least is believable.
What is not believable is anyone who suggests that women respond sexually much as men do.
When you look around the web it is interesting to see just how rare it is that a woman describes exactly how she reaches orgasm with a partner. There’s lots of talk about female orgasm and what it feels like but women know this from female masturbation.
Expert advice about lack of orgasm often focuses on the suggestion that women might be suffering from some vague psychological trauma or have relationship difficulties. Others question whether orgasm is even that important. All these comments indicate that we are talking about women because men would not relate to this advice.
Some experts suggest that women need to employ relaxation and muscle tensing exercises in order to orgasm with a partner. Imagine suggesting this to a man! Exactly how does it help with arousal if you clench your pelvic muscles? No one ever comments on the mental aspects of arousal.
Despite the fact that women use fantasy during female masturbation, there is no discussion of how women might also use sexual fantasies during sex. If they do not use fantasy then what do they substitute during sex in place of fantasy? We know that women do not get turned on by a lover’s body in the same way that men do.
Other experts use intimidation tactics. Some suggest that if a woman knows how to orgasm from female masturbation then it is as simple as doing the exact same thing during sex with a partner. Others suggest that women need to be more assertive in telling their partner what physical stimulation they need during sex. The effect is to trivialise the difficulties that women have with orgasm.
By patronising women and implying that female orgasm with a partner is easy, experts silence women. In fact, they use these techniques to have their suggestions accepted, however ineffective they might be. Some women may be able to orgasm with a partner with additional (manual or oral) clitoral stimulation but this does not mean that all women will be able to.
Experts never disclose how they (or their partners, in the case of male experts) achieve the psychological sexual arousal necessary for orgasm during sex. The implicit assumption is that women experience the same kind of spontaneous arousal from a sexual partner’s body much the same as men do and that physical stimulation techniques are all that is required in order to enable women to orgasm during sex.
How to get laid (if you're a man!)
Men should take comfort from the facts of female sexuality. It is difficult for most women to orgasm from intercourse alone and yet amazingly few women ask about lack of orgasm. In addition to the obvious personal embarrassment, likely explanations include:
Not every woman is even interested in orgasm, either by masturbation or from a sexual relationship.
Relatively few women masturbate and so many women never know what an orgasm is.
Some women assume that they orgasm during sex when, in fact, they don’t.
Others accept that sex involves pleasing their man rather than looking for their own pleasure.
The irony is that women who ask about lack of orgasm have the confidence to question because they have explored their sexuality more than most women, both alone and with a partner. Regardless of her sexual expectations, any woman will offer her partner sex when she feels good about the relationship and loving towards her partner.
After spending a romantic (affectionate and companionable) evening together, sharing emotional intimacy, or even after an emotional movie, a woman can feel amenable to having sex.
However, these stimuli are very different to those she needs to reach orgasm (sexual fantasies involve explicit eroticism). Unfortunately, Mother Nature has no need to care about female orgasm. As long as a woman is amenable to having sex, the job is done!
Emotional intimacy
The film ‘Overboard’ stars Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell, her real-life partner. Goldie plays a spoilt rich young wife who loses her memory and, purely out of revenge, Kurt playing a lowly carpenter pretends that she is married to him, with his four children.
Sexual relationships favour male orgasm and it is clear that he would have little problem having sex with this woman he hardly knows and even dislikes. It is equally clear that she would consider it out of the question to have sex with a man she cannot remember knowing. In order to be amenable to sex, a woman needs to find a man sexually attractive and women take longer than men to decide on this point.
“Men are most comfortable expressing love through sex, through shared activities, through being a good provider, and through just being together…” (p77 Why Men don’t get enough Sex and Women don’t get enough Love 1994)
Later in the story, they get to know each other and one evening, pretending that it is her birthday, they go out on a date. After dancing, they talk and gaze at the evening sky while romantic music plays. They kiss and, on returning home, ‘make love’ for the first time.
“98 percent of the women… said they would like more verbal closeness with the men they love; they want the men in their lives to talk more about their own personal thoughts, feelings, plans and questions, and to ask them about theirs.” (p27 Women & Love 1987)
The woman now feels affection for the man and finds him physically attractive. Of course, he always was attractive but he suddenly appeals because she respects him and cares about him. Perhaps it is as self evident to women that relationships are about companionship as it is to men that they are about physical intimacy. In fact, both are part of a long-term relationship.
“Men want friends to play with, … whereas women want friends to talk to. ” (p24 Bluffer’s guide to Women)
Not every woman is even interested in orgasm, either by masturbation or from a sexual relationship.
Relatively few women masturbate and so many women never know what an orgasm is.
Some women assume that they orgasm during sex when, in fact, they don’t.
Others accept that sex involves pleasing their man rather than looking for their own pleasure.
The irony is that women who ask about lack of orgasm have the confidence to question because they have explored their sexuality more than most women, both alone and with a partner. Regardless of her sexual expectations, any woman will offer her partner sex when she feels good about the relationship and loving towards her partner.
After spending a romantic (affectionate and companionable) evening together, sharing emotional intimacy, or even after an emotional movie, a woman can feel amenable to having sex.
However, these stimuli are very different to those she needs to reach orgasm (sexual fantasies involve explicit eroticism). Unfortunately, Mother Nature has no need to care about female orgasm. As long as a woman is amenable to having sex, the job is done!
Emotional intimacy
The film ‘Overboard’ stars Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell, her real-life partner. Goldie plays a spoilt rich young wife who loses her memory and, purely out of revenge, Kurt playing a lowly carpenter pretends that she is married to him, with his four children.
Sexual relationships favour male orgasm and it is clear that he would have little problem having sex with this woman he hardly knows and even dislikes. It is equally clear that she would consider it out of the question to have sex with a man she cannot remember knowing. In order to be amenable to sex, a woman needs to find a man sexually attractive and women take longer than men to decide on this point.
“Men are most comfortable expressing love through sex, through shared activities, through being a good provider, and through just being together…” (p77 Why Men don’t get enough Sex and Women don’t get enough Love 1994)
Later in the story, they get to know each other and one evening, pretending that it is her birthday, they go out on a date. After dancing, they talk and gaze at the evening sky while romantic music plays. They kiss and, on returning home, ‘make love’ for the first time.
“98 percent of the women… said they would like more verbal closeness with the men they love; they want the men in their lives to talk more about their own personal thoughts, feelings, plans and questions, and to ask them about theirs.” (p27 Women & Love 1987)
The woman now feels affection for the man and finds him physically attractive. Of course, he always was attractive but he suddenly appeals because she respects him and cares about him. Perhaps it is as self evident to women that relationships are about companionship as it is to men that they are about physical intimacy. In fact, both are part of a long-term relationship.
“Men want friends to play with, … whereas women want friends to talk to. ” (p24 Bluffer’s guide to Women)
Women's sexual arousal and orgasm is not automatic
There is an amazing amount of mystery surrounding the subject of women’s sexual arousal. Women’s physical arousal is rarely acknowledged and our understanding of women’s psychological arousal is vague. It is no wonder many of us gain the impression that female orgasms simply mushroom up out of nowhere.
Explanations for women’s sexual arousal often defy belief. For example, it has been suggested that women, unlike men, can reach orgasm in response to many different sources of physical stimulation. One woman even claimed to be able to orgasm from brushing her hair.
This is just one example of how we are asked to believe that women can achieve what even a man would find difficult. It is worth bearing in mind that the majority of men generally know what an orgasm is. Many women are unfamiliar with real female orgasms and are more likely to be talking about sexual arousal.
Sexual arousal originates in the brain
Foremost, something has to be happening in the brain for a person to reach orgasm. Rather like climbing up the steps of a slide in order to enjoy slipping down the other side, it seems unlikely that even women can reach the peak of orgasm without a build up of any kind. In other words, a physical and psychological build up is required to generate the consequent sexual release that we call ‘orgasm’.
Women’s sexual arousal and orgasm is one of Nature’s optional freebies – take it or leave it. But just to state the obvious: if anyone is to experience orgasm, they must first be motivated to do so and secondly they must know how to achieve ‘arousal to orgasm’ that is become aroused enough to reach orgasm. In other words, a woman is not going to discover orgasm while doing the ironing!
“The more you fantasise, the higher your libido. … it’s pretty well established that the more you think about sex, the more you want it. That makes fantasies the cheapest, most effective sex aid around.” (p249 Hot Sex 1998)
For a woman, discovery of orgasm through masturbation is more likely to result from a conscious choice to explore her sexuality than to happen spontaneously. Women have to learn about their sexual arousal and a woman needs to be open-minded enough about eroticism to be able to overcome any moral objections she might have about indulging in the sexual fantasies which lead to orgasm.
“Approximately 30 percent of women don’t have sexual fantasies. For some, it’s a vestige of the old notion that fantasy is something only men do. Others are embarrassed by the harshness of their sexual inspiration and quickly squash it.” (p190 Satisfaction Guaranteed 1996)
Explanations for women’s sexual arousal often defy belief. For example, it has been suggested that women, unlike men, can reach orgasm in response to many different sources of physical stimulation. One woman even claimed to be able to orgasm from brushing her hair.
This is just one example of how we are asked to believe that women can achieve what even a man would find difficult. It is worth bearing in mind that the majority of men generally know what an orgasm is. Many women are unfamiliar with real female orgasms and are more likely to be talking about sexual arousal.
Sexual arousal originates in the brain
Foremost, something has to be happening in the brain for a person to reach orgasm. Rather like climbing up the steps of a slide in order to enjoy slipping down the other side, it seems unlikely that even women can reach the peak of orgasm without a build up of any kind. In other words, a physical and psychological build up is required to generate the consequent sexual release that we call ‘orgasm’.
Women’s sexual arousal and orgasm is one of Nature’s optional freebies – take it or leave it. But just to state the obvious: if anyone is to experience orgasm, they must first be motivated to do so and secondly they must know how to achieve ‘arousal to orgasm’ that is become aroused enough to reach orgasm. In other words, a woman is not going to discover orgasm while doing the ironing!
“The more you fantasise, the higher your libido. … it’s pretty well established that the more you think about sex, the more you want it. That makes fantasies the cheapest, most effective sex aid around.” (p249 Hot Sex 1998)
For a woman, discovery of orgasm through masturbation is more likely to result from a conscious choice to explore her sexuality than to happen spontaneously. Women have to learn about their sexual arousal and a woman needs to be open-minded enough about eroticism to be able to overcome any moral objections she might have about indulging in the sexual fantasies which lead to orgasm.
“Approximately 30 percent of women don’t have sexual fantasies. For some, it’s a vestige of the old notion that fantasy is something only men do. Others are embarrassed by the harshness of their sexual inspiration and quickly squash it.” (p190 Satisfaction Guaranteed 1996)
Wednesday, 14 October 2009
Women's sexual desire
Women who live alone or do not have an active sex life with their partner sometimes perceive themselves to be sexually needy because they start to doubt their ability to attract men.
Margaret (early fifties, children, relationship 30 years) was confident that she was highly sexual and interested in sex. However, her sexual relationship with her partner had broken down and she admitted that she did not consider female masturbation remotely interesting.
Given that she made no mention of a lover, I found it difficult to see that she had any outlet for her sexuality. When Margaret described herself as sexy, it was in terms of looking attractive, being young-at-heart and being physically active at her local tennis club with like-minded women.
A man’s sexual arousal can be very flattering and women often enjoy the compliment. Women tend to define their sexuality in terms of their emotional sense of well-being and their attractiveness rather than by the existence of any kind of sex life. As they grow older men worry about impotence; women worry about losing their ability to attract men.
“Married women are facing more sexual problems than single girls, with problems ranging from a lack of interest in sex to failure to reach orgasm. What a surprise!”admits Linda Kelsey in her article ‘The truth about Married Sex.’ Linda acknowledges that “For married women today it’s difficult to square our expectations of sexual fulfilment with the realities of long-term relationships.”
She suggests that the influence of the modern youth culture means that middle-aged women today “still feel like a woman with sexual needs, or at least a woman who wants to feel she’s still sexually attractive.” (pages 48/49 Daily Mail UK newspaper Thursday, October 6th 2005)
Some people even define female sexuality in terms of women’s ability to arouse a man sexually. Long-term sexual relationships involve making effort from time to time and a man needs to ensure that he is not the only person enjoying sexual pleasure from the couple’s sexual relationship.
Men hope for sex for life
Older women often imply that marriage involves both sides ‘putting up’ with a non-ideal compromise. Life in the past was about survival but expectations have increased. Men in the past were grateful just to have sex of any description but now they hope that their woman will engage on a variety of sexual activities and that she will be enthusiastically orgasmic.
One summer’s evening at a barbeque, a man in his fifties commented that he had almost forgotten what sex was because it was so long since he had had any. Understandably everyone was embarrassed, including his wife, and a few years later I heard that they had divorced. I assume this stand-off explains why so many married women prefer to say nothing about sex.
The sexual revolution claimed that men and women should be equally capable of enjoying a sexual relationship. So we tend to blame the wife for being ‘unloving’ even though we all know that he probably has an orgasm every time they have sex and she quite possibly has never had an orgasm in her life. Men enjoy sex fairly spontaneously but it is much more difficult for a couple to find ways of including some pleasure for the woman. Men cannot always expect to receive without giving anything back.
In the marriage scenario, all pretence of romance or companionship/affection leading to ‘making love’ can be lost. Everyday pressures and routine reduce sex to the minimum required to keep a man’s sex drive at bay, satisfying neither party. WWO would like to hear success stories from couples who have overcome these pitfalls in longer-term relationships.
Margaret (early fifties, children, relationship 30 years) was confident that she was highly sexual and interested in sex. However, her sexual relationship with her partner had broken down and she admitted that she did not consider female masturbation remotely interesting.
Given that she made no mention of a lover, I found it difficult to see that she had any outlet for her sexuality. When Margaret described herself as sexy, it was in terms of looking attractive, being young-at-heart and being physically active at her local tennis club with like-minded women.
A man’s sexual arousal can be very flattering and women often enjoy the compliment. Women tend to define their sexuality in terms of their emotional sense of well-being and their attractiveness rather than by the existence of any kind of sex life. As they grow older men worry about impotence; women worry about losing their ability to attract men.
“Married women are facing more sexual problems than single girls, with problems ranging from a lack of interest in sex to failure to reach orgasm. What a surprise!”admits Linda Kelsey in her article ‘The truth about Married Sex.’ Linda acknowledges that “For married women today it’s difficult to square our expectations of sexual fulfilment with the realities of long-term relationships.”
She suggests that the influence of the modern youth culture means that middle-aged women today “still feel like a woman with sexual needs, or at least a woman who wants to feel she’s still sexually attractive.” (pages 48/49 Daily Mail UK newspaper Thursday, October 6th 2005)
Some people even define female sexuality in terms of women’s ability to arouse a man sexually. Long-term sexual relationships involve making effort from time to time and a man needs to ensure that he is not the only person enjoying sexual pleasure from the couple’s sexual relationship.
Men hope for sex for life
Older women often imply that marriage involves both sides ‘putting up’ with a non-ideal compromise. Life in the past was about survival but expectations have increased. Men in the past were grateful just to have sex of any description but now they hope that their woman will engage on a variety of sexual activities and that she will be enthusiastically orgasmic.
One summer’s evening at a barbeque, a man in his fifties commented that he had almost forgotten what sex was because it was so long since he had had any. Understandably everyone was embarrassed, including his wife, and a few years later I heard that they had divorced. I assume this stand-off explains why so many married women prefer to say nothing about sex.
The sexual revolution claimed that men and women should be equally capable of enjoying a sexual relationship. So we tend to blame the wife for being ‘unloving’ even though we all know that he probably has an orgasm every time they have sex and she quite possibly has never had an orgasm in her life. Men enjoy sex fairly spontaneously but it is much more difficult for a couple to find ways of including some pleasure for the woman. Men cannot always expect to receive without giving anything back.
In the marriage scenario, all pretence of romance or companionship/affection leading to ‘making love’ can be lost. Everyday pressures and routine reduce sex to the minimum required to keep a man’s sex drive at bay, satisfying neither party. WWO would like to hear success stories from couples who have overcome these pitfalls in longer-term relationships.
Clitoral stimulation is not everything
In the 1960’s researchers confirmed that the clitoris, and not the vagina, is the origin of female orgasm. In order to explain how some women might orgasm from intercourse alone they proposed that some women find positions and techniques for sexual intercourse that maximise the indirect clitoral stimulation (caused by the action of the penis thrusting into the vagina) to enable them to reach orgasm.
“As sex therapist Lonnie Barbach notes: “In reality, the clitoris is the female sex organ. … The vagina is comparable in sensitivity to the male testicles.” (p587 Human Sexuality (fifth edition) 1995)
By the mid-1970’s though it was accepted that this indirect action was not sufficient to enable the majority of women to reach orgasm. It was agreed that most women are likely to find orgasm with a partner easier by applying orgasm techniques to sex learnt from masturbation or through oral sex because clitoral stimulation is more direct.
“ … certainly, it is easier for most women to be orgasmic during masturbation than during intercourse. … With masturbation, a woman can focus sexual stimulation precisely where she finds it most arousing, … For most women, masturbation involves some form of stimulation of the clitoris, whereas with intercourse, the clitoris is only stimulated indirectly, …” (p587 Human Sexuality (fifth edition) 1995)
I found it comforting to know that there was a good reason why orgasm was so much easier through masturbation. Sadly though, the explanation has never really helped with orgasm in my sexual relationship.
Clitoral stimulation is thought to help but cannot guarantee orgasm
In fact it’s not just lack of orgasm during sexual intercourse that women struggle with but orgasm by any means with a partner. Most informed people today are aware of the importance of the clitoris and a woman can only know that something is missing from sex if she is familiar with orgasm from masturbation. So why do women still ask about orgasm with a partner?
Experts often imply that female orgasm is easily achieved but if it was a simple as pressing a button, surely we would all have worked it out by now? I appreciate that sexual ignorance is rife out there but surely it is accepted that the ‘informed couple’ exists? Don’t sex experts realise that couples read sex manuals and try different approaches to sex?
Clitoral stimulation is known to assist with orgasm during female masturbation but only when combined with the use of highly explicit sexual fantasies. So the suggestion that clitoral stimulation alone will lead to orgasm during sex with a partner is simply a shot in the dark – a suggestion that is intended to be helpful but one that can, in fact, be quite misleading.
Despite all the limelight that our genitals (clitoris/penis) get, it is in fact the brain that is the main sex organ. If you cannot generate some psychological sexual arousal then you can forget about the rest. I have certainly never been able to use my fantasies effectively during sex with a partner – it just does not work the same way. After years of researching the small print, I also know that I am not the only woman who has had this experience.
Women’s sexual arousal relies on sexual fantasies during masturbation and many women are able to use the same orgasm techniques during sex. Try bringing some sexual fantasies into sex with a partner even if that means reading some erotica while he touches you up. This can be a very enjoyable precursor to sex if nothing else.
I find that women’s erotica can be a little too ’soft porn’ and overly focused on the woman’s body. If you want something a little more gutsy then try some homosexual erotica, which can be a real turn-on because it is full of male body parts, anal sex and fellatio. Of course, there’s always the more mundane domination and sadism which gets many of us going, like it or not.
“As sex therapist Lonnie Barbach notes: “In reality, the clitoris is the female sex organ. … The vagina is comparable in sensitivity to the male testicles.” (p587 Human Sexuality (fifth edition) 1995)
By the mid-1970’s though it was accepted that this indirect action was not sufficient to enable the majority of women to reach orgasm. It was agreed that most women are likely to find orgasm with a partner easier by applying orgasm techniques to sex learnt from masturbation or through oral sex because clitoral stimulation is more direct.
“ … certainly, it is easier for most women to be orgasmic during masturbation than during intercourse. … With masturbation, a woman can focus sexual stimulation precisely where she finds it most arousing, … For most women, masturbation involves some form of stimulation of the clitoris, whereas with intercourse, the clitoris is only stimulated indirectly, …” (p587 Human Sexuality (fifth edition) 1995)
I found it comforting to know that there was a good reason why orgasm was so much easier through masturbation. Sadly though, the explanation has never really helped with orgasm in my sexual relationship.
Clitoral stimulation is thought to help but cannot guarantee orgasm
In fact it’s not just lack of orgasm during sexual intercourse that women struggle with but orgasm by any means with a partner. Most informed people today are aware of the importance of the clitoris and a woman can only know that something is missing from sex if she is familiar with orgasm from masturbation. So why do women still ask about orgasm with a partner?
Experts often imply that female orgasm is easily achieved but if it was a simple as pressing a button, surely we would all have worked it out by now? I appreciate that sexual ignorance is rife out there but surely it is accepted that the ‘informed couple’ exists? Don’t sex experts realise that couples read sex manuals and try different approaches to sex?
Clitoral stimulation is known to assist with orgasm during female masturbation but only when combined with the use of highly explicit sexual fantasies. So the suggestion that clitoral stimulation alone will lead to orgasm during sex with a partner is simply a shot in the dark – a suggestion that is intended to be helpful but one that can, in fact, be quite misleading.
Despite all the limelight that our genitals (clitoris/penis) get, it is in fact the brain that is the main sex organ. If you cannot generate some psychological sexual arousal then you can forget about the rest. I have certainly never been able to use my fantasies effectively during sex with a partner – it just does not work the same way. After years of researching the small print, I also know that I am not the only woman who has had this experience.
Women’s sexual arousal relies on sexual fantasies during masturbation and many women are able to use the same orgasm techniques during sex. Try bringing some sexual fantasies into sex with a partner even if that means reading some erotica while he touches you up. This can be a very enjoyable precursor to sex if nothing else.
I find that women’s erotica can be a little too ’soft porn’ and overly focused on the woman’s body. If you want something a little more gutsy then try some homosexual erotica, which can be a real turn-on because it is full of male body parts, anal sex and fellatio. Of course, there’s always the more mundane domination and sadism which gets many of us going, like it or not.
Explanations for women's sexual arousal
People who like to talk confidently about sex often claim that women can orgasm easily from vaginal intercourse. I am very happy for anyone who can achieve easy orgasm and yet, when I ask for details, the responses tend to be frustratingly vague and defensive. I am not questioning that orgasm may happen ‘naturally’ or ‘automatically’ for some women but it would be more convincing if explanations of women’s experiences did not contradict the physical and psychological facts of women’s sexuality.
“Orgasms are natural, but intercourse is not, for many of us, the easiest way to have them.” (p79 Woman’s Experience of Sex 1983)
Popular beliefs mean that many people assume that women ‘naturally’ orgasm during sex. I have been advised to read a sex manual as if only extreme sexual ignorance can explain a lack of orgasm for women today. Alternatively, I am asked, with a sympathetic expression, about my feelings for my partner: “Do you find him attractive? Do you love him?” The implication is that orgasm comes naturally when a woman truly loves a man.
More informed sources commonly explain women’s lack of sexual arousal during sex and their failure to reach orgasm during intercourse by:
some deficiency on the part of the woman (i.e. that she is either physically or psychologically abnormal in some way);
or ignorance (i.e. that we are not doing it right) including the suggestion that the man might be an incompetent lover.
A popular suggestion is that women have emotional hang-ups about sex and yet it is not logical that women should be more inhibited in their intimate relationships than men are. Given women’s much closer emotional intimacy with friends and their children, it seems more likely that if anyone is going to be emotionally inhibited it would be men not women.
Traditional beliefs about female sexuality explain why women are told that they (but not men) need a loving relationship to enjoy sex (orgasm involves erotic not loving sensations). Of course, the ultimate fall-back is when experts suggest that female orgasm is unimportant, which is only true from a reproductive point of view and when a woman has no expectation for orgasm.
Women need clitoral stimulation for orgasm
Most boys work out how to enjoy orgasm through masturbation by the age of 12 or 13. Some women discover orgasm in their late teens, or in their twenties or thirties. Many others never discover orgasm throughout the whole of their lives. These phenomena are often diagnosed as women’s sexual dysfunction but there has to be a more reasonable explanation for these different experiences.
“Men, imagine having sex without having your penis stimulated. It would certainly not be very much fun.” (p42 Mars & Venus in the Bedroom 1995)
All those magazine articles proposing a million ways to give a woman a mind-blowing orgasm sound very promising but why are they needed in the first place? You rarely see an article explaining how to give a man even one orgasm, mind-blowing or otherwise. These articles prove that there are many women who struggle with orgasm of any description during sex.
It’s about time that sex experts stopped patronising the average couple out there. There are whole books written about female sexual arousal and orgasm so how can it be so straightforward that every woman achieves it as we’d like to think? Even the terms ‘arousal and orgasm’ refer to women’s experiences because men’s sexual arousal is usually easy. Yet so often we are told that the solution is as simple and obvious as pressing a button – the clitoris. Evidently, clitoral stimulation is not everything.
Unfortunately, although an increasing number of women ask about orgasm during sex, there is no research (sex surveys are notoriously unreliable) that provides the answer. Sex experts do not have the time that I have been able to spend on this issue. As a result of my extensive research, I can vouch for the fact that female arousal is not straightforward. Anyone who implies otherwise is misguided: they have either mis-interpreted their own experiences or they are simply quoting popular beliefs.
“… since female orgasm is not necessary during intercourse for reproduction to occur, why should nature provide stimulation for female orgasm during intercourse?” (p38 The Hite Reports 1993)
“Orgasms are natural, but intercourse is not, for many of us, the easiest way to have them.” (p79 Woman’s Experience of Sex 1983)
Popular beliefs mean that many people assume that women ‘naturally’ orgasm during sex. I have been advised to read a sex manual as if only extreme sexual ignorance can explain a lack of orgasm for women today. Alternatively, I am asked, with a sympathetic expression, about my feelings for my partner: “Do you find him attractive? Do you love him?” The implication is that orgasm comes naturally when a woman truly loves a man.
More informed sources commonly explain women’s lack of sexual arousal during sex and their failure to reach orgasm during intercourse by:
some deficiency on the part of the woman (i.e. that she is either physically or psychologically abnormal in some way);
or ignorance (i.e. that we are not doing it right) including the suggestion that the man might be an incompetent lover.
A popular suggestion is that women have emotional hang-ups about sex and yet it is not logical that women should be more inhibited in their intimate relationships than men are. Given women’s much closer emotional intimacy with friends and their children, it seems more likely that if anyone is going to be emotionally inhibited it would be men not women.
Traditional beliefs about female sexuality explain why women are told that they (but not men) need a loving relationship to enjoy sex (orgasm involves erotic not loving sensations). Of course, the ultimate fall-back is when experts suggest that female orgasm is unimportant, which is only true from a reproductive point of view and when a woman has no expectation for orgasm.
Women need clitoral stimulation for orgasm
Most boys work out how to enjoy orgasm through masturbation by the age of 12 or 13. Some women discover orgasm in their late teens, or in their twenties or thirties. Many others never discover orgasm throughout the whole of their lives. These phenomena are often diagnosed as women’s sexual dysfunction but there has to be a more reasonable explanation for these different experiences.
“Men, imagine having sex without having your penis stimulated. It would certainly not be very much fun.” (p42 Mars & Venus in the Bedroom 1995)
All those magazine articles proposing a million ways to give a woman a mind-blowing orgasm sound very promising but why are they needed in the first place? You rarely see an article explaining how to give a man even one orgasm, mind-blowing or otherwise. These articles prove that there are many women who struggle with orgasm of any description during sex.
It’s about time that sex experts stopped patronising the average couple out there. There are whole books written about female sexual arousal and orgasm so how can it be so straightforward that every woman achieves it as we’d like to think? Even the terms ‘arousal and orgasm’ refer to women’s experiences because men’s sexual arousal is usually easy. Yet so often we are told that the solution is as simple and obvious as pressing a button – the clitoris. Evidently, clitoral stimulation is not everything.
Unfortunately, although an increasing number of women ask about orgasm during sex, there is no research (sex surveys are notoriously unreliable) that provides the answer. Sex experts do not have the time that I have been able to spend on this issue. As a result of my extensive research, I can vouch for the fact that female arousal is not straightforward. Anyone who implies otherwise is misguided: they have either mis-interpreted their own experiences or they are simply quoting popular beliefs.
“… since female orgasm is not necessary during intercourse for reproduction to occur, why should nature provide stimulation for female orgasm during intercourse?” (p38 The Hite Reports 1993)
Women's sexual arousal relies on sexual fantasies
Real female orgasms involve the release of sexual emotions not romantic feelings. So it does not matter how much you love your partner, orgasm will not materialise out of thin air.
Orgasm requires at least a few naughty thoughts from time to time, so if your conscience is as clear as a nun’s then you can forget about ever having one.
“Few of us reach orgasm without fantasy, so let your imagination go wild! … Don’t get hung up about your fantasy; it doesn’t mean you’re odd, gay or secretly want to be raped. Most women fantasise about things they wouldn’t dream of doing in real life – that’s why we call them fantasies.” (p13 Hot Sex 1998)
It turns out that women use sexual fantasies for sexual arousal and to generate a release of sexual emotions (orgasm) not only during masturbation but also during sex with a partner.
“Many times sexual fantasies are used to induce or enhance sexual arousal, and while fantasies are often combined with masturbation to provide a source of turn-on when a partner is not available, fantasies are also extremely common during sexual activity with some one else. For instance, one study of 212 married women found that sex fantasies help many women achieve sexual arousal and/or orgasm during sexual intercourse.” (p416 Human Sexuality (fifth edition) 1995)
Some women’s sexual fantasises do not transfer to sex
Some women find that they are not able to use their sexual fantasies effectively during sex with a partner. It has been suggested that this is particularly true for complex and surreal fantasies (as they often are). The presence of another person interferes with the mental focus needed to generate sufficient arousal for orgasm.
To generate enough arousal to reach the heights of orgasm, my brain really has to focus. Even a dripping tap or someone else’s presence is enough to destroy my mental absorption in a sexual fantasy. So there is no question of being able to fantasise effectively during sex with a partner.
Women also have to work harder than men to generate orgasm from a much lower base level of sexual arousal. So we have to be more inventive about our sexual fantasies and their surreal nature can make them more difficult to relate to a sex life with a real-life partner.
“Roxanne, a forty-seven-year-old psychiatrist, explains also that ‘women probably fantasize more and harder than men, because the traditional idea of feminine behaviour is a burden to a woman during sex. …
Fantasy restores the balance. Add to that that women spend more time thinking up stories anyway, and read more fiction than men, and you’ve got a wild world in there … lewd extravagances that I’ll bet most men never come even close to imagining.’
By focusing on some aspect of sex that she finds particularly arousing, and by exaggerating it to the point of outrageousness, a woman increases her chances of climaxing.” (p179 Satisfaction Guaranteed 1996)
Orgasm requires at least a few naughty thoughts from time to time, so if your conscience is as clear as a nun’s then you can forget about ever having one.
“Few of us reach orgasm without fantasy, so let your imagination go wild! … Don’t get hung up about your fantasy; it doesn’t mean you’re odd, gay or secretly want to be raped. Most women fantasise about things they wouldn’t dream of doing in real life – that’s why we call them fantasies.” (p13 Hot Sex 1998)
It turns out that women use sexual fantasies for sexual arousal and to generate a release of sexual emotions (orgasm) not only during masturbation but also during sex with a partner.
“Many times sexual fantasies are used to induce or enhance sexual arousal, and while fantasies are often combined with masturbation to provide a source of turn-on when a partner is not available, fantasies are also extremely common during sexual activity with some one else. For instance, one study of 212 married women found that sex fantasies help many women achieve sexual arousal and/or orgasm during sexual intercourse.” (p416 Human Sexuality (fifth edition) 1995)
Some women’s sexual fantasises do not transfer to sex
Some women find that they are not able to use their sexual fantasies effectively during sex with a partner. It has been suggested that this is particularly true for complex and surreal fantasies (as they often are). The presence of another person interferes with the mental focus needed to generate sufficient arousal for orgasm.
To generate enough arousal to reach the heights of orgasm, my brain really has to focus. Even a dripping tap or someone else’s presence is enough to destroy my mental absorption in a sexual fantasy. So there is no question of being able to fantasise effectively during sex with a partner.
Women also have to work harder than men to generate orgasm from a much lower base level of sexual arousal. So we have to be more inventive about our sexual fantasies and their surreal nature can make them more difficult to relate to a sex life with a real-life partner.
“Roxanne, a forty-seven-year-old psychiatrist, explains also that ‘women probably fantasize more and harder than men, because the traditional idea of feminine behaviour is a burden to a woman during sex. …
Fantasy restores the balance. Add to that that women spend more time thinking up stories anyway, and read more fiction than men, and you’ve got a wild world in there … lewd extravagances that I’ll bet most men never come even close to imagining.’
By focusing on some aspect of sex that she finds particularly arousing, and by exaggerating it to the point of outrageousness, a woman increases her chances of climaxing.” (p179 Satisfaction Guaranteed 1996)
Orgasm techniques women use to reach orgasm
I’m sure that men will understand the point. We express our sexuality through two basic phenomena:
Firstly, enjoying our own psychological arousal through an appreciation of eroticism; and
Secondly, bringing that sexual arousal to orgasm by physical stimulation of the penis/clitoris.
Yet many women are shocked by eroticism (whether visual or verbal pornography, erotica or the concept of sexual fantasy) and equally shocked by the idea of explicit clitoral stimulation (either female masturbation or oral sex – cunnilingus). So how is it that they reach orgasm by any means?
Of the women who responded to Shere Hite’s questionnaires, 82% said that they masturbated. But I have found very few women who masturbate. Most are shocked by even the suggestion that women are interested in activities as sexually explicit as clitoral stimulation or masturbation.
The fact is that Shere Hite was asking detailed questions about how women reach orgasm. Of course the women who responded to her surveys had often masturbated because it is only through female masturbation that a woman can be confident enough to answer detailed questions about orgasm.
One of the failings of surveys is that they ask general questions like: Do you masturbate? Any woman who has ever put her hands anywhere near her genitals can claim to have masturbated. In fact, masturbation is an adult activity that involves bringing a person’s state of psychological arousal to orgasm through genital stimulation. Many women do not understand this basic concept of sexuality.
Most women are unaware of the need for orgasm techniques
As a woman who has questioned a lack of female orgasm during sex, I am told that other women find orgasm easy. The trouble is that the facts stand against this claim since we know that the clitoral stimulation provided by vaginal intercourse is insufficient for a woman to reach orgasm.
Women whose sexual experiences are based purely on sex with a partner, often interpret their experiences in the light of emotional criteria. They are confused by other women’s questions about orgasm because they think it is easily achieved. They believe that all you have to do is to have loving feelings for your partner and then you reach orgasm the first time and every time from vaginal intercourse.
BUT we are mixing apples with pears here.
Women who do not appreciate eroticism, do not explore their sexual fantasies, do not masturbate and think that vaginal intercourse is the only acceptable sexual activity are unlikely to be able to advise women who, having explored their sexual arousal both alone and with a partner through a variety of activities, question a lack of orgasm during sex.
There is nothing wrong with a woman who interprets her sexual experiences in the light of emotional criteria but what happens when those initial feelings of passion and romance disappear? If men want sex for life then they need to identify a woman who has an appreciation of eroticism.
A woman, who can masturbate to orgasm, may advise other women to learn how to masturbate because masturbation is the starting point for understanding our own sexual arousal and how to achieve orgasm. Many of these women might hope that they will learn one day how to do the same with a partner but this is very different to saying that it is easy to achieve.
Firstly, enjoying our own psychological arousal through an appreciation of eroticism; and
Secondly, bringing that sexual arousal to orgasm by physical stimulation of the penis/clitoris.
Yet many women are shocked by eroticism (whether visual or verbal pornography, erotica or the concept of sexual fantasy) and equally shocked by the idea of explicit clitoral stimulation (either female masturbation or oral sex – cunnilingus). So how is it that they reach orgasm by any means?
Of the women who responded to Shere Hite’s questionnaires, 82% said that they masturbated. But I have found very few women who masturbate. Most are shocked by even the suggestion that women are interested in activities as sexually explicit as clitoral stimulation or masturbation.
The fact is that Shere Hite was asking detailed questions about how women reach orgasm. Of course the women who responded to her surveys had often masturbated because it is only through female masturbation that a woman can be confident enough to answer detailed questions about orgasm.
One of the failings of surveys is that they ask general questions like: Do you masturbate? Any woman who has ever put her hands anywhere near her genitals can claim to have masturbated. In fact, masturbation is an adult activity that involves bringing a person’s state of psychological arousal to orgasm through genital stimulation. Many women do not understand this basic concept of sexuality.
Most women are unaware of the need for orgasm techniques
As a woman who has questioned a lack of female orgasm during sex, I am told that other women find orgasm easy. The trouble is that the facts stand against this claim since we know that the clitoral stimulation provided by vaginal intercourse is insufficient for a woman to reach orgasm.
Women whose sexual experiences are based purely on sex with a partner, often interpret their experiences in the light of emotional criteria. They are confused by other women’s questions about orgasm because they think it is easily achieved. They believe that all you have to do is to have loving feelings for your partner and then you reach orgasm the first time and every time from vaginal intercourse.
BUT we are mixing apples with pears here.
Women who do not appreciate eroticism, do not explore their sexual fantasies, do not masturbate and think that vaginal intercourse is the only acceptable sexual activity are unlikely to be able to advise women who, having explored their sexual arousal both alone and with a partner through a variety of activities, question a lack of orgasm during sex.
There is nothing wrong with a woman who interprets her sexual experiences in the light of emotional criteria but what happens when those initial feelings of passion and romance disappear? If men want sex for life then they need to identify a woman who has an appreciation of eroticism.
A woman, who can masturbate to orgasm, may advise other women to learn how to masturbate because masturbation is the starting point for understanding our own sexual arousal and how to achieve orgasm. Many of these women might hope that they will learn one day how to do the same with a partner but this is very different to saying that it is easy to achieve.
Thursday, 10 September 2009
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