Laura was educated and cultured but she also had a worldliness and the classy sex appeal that attracts the most ambitious men. In her early thirties, Laura told me that she had always been confident that she had orgasms during sex.
Then at the age of twenty-eight, a liberated friend told her how to use a vibrator to find out about female masturbation. Her friend was so convinced that Laura should try the experience that she took her to a department store to buy the gadget. If only we all had friends like this!
Laura admitted that this piece of equipment sat in her bedroom drawer for some time before she was brave enough to give the thing a try. Eventually she did and appreciated for the first time in her life what orgasm was. Laura usually masturbated as a means of going to sleep as well as indulging in the occasional urge to enjoy orgasm.
Tracy Cox gives ten good reasons to masturbate including: “It releases tension and helps us sleep – a secret sleeping pill without any side-effects!” (p18 Hot Sex 1998)
Great sex life even without orgasm
Having told me that she had never had an orgasm with a man even now, Laura went on to describe some of her sexual encounters as ‘totally amazing’. Laura did not see any contradiction because, for her, sex with a man was about personal chemistry. Laura got a great ego boost from the sexual power of being pursued by men.
In over ten years of sex with different partners, Laura had always assumed that she experienced orgasm during sex. It was only once she discovered masturbation that she found out what real female orgasms felt like. Despite the evidence of her own experience, Laura still believed her friends when they said that they had orgasms during sex.
Laura even believed her mother who said that she had never had a problem with orgasm. We now have more information and more opportunity to explore our sexuality but our expectations are correspondingly higher. Thanks to the pill, women today come to question their sexual experiences in a way that women who had children earlier in their lives probably had little time for.
It is easy for a woman to pleasure a man and the fantasy leads us to assume that it ought to work the other way around. When it doesn’t, both partners can end up feeling inadequate. Laura admitted that she felt selfish in asking a man to spend longer than a few minutes on pleasuring her as she knew it would take far too long for him to be able to arouse her sufficiently.
“During ‘sex’ as our society defines it both people know what to expect and how to make it possible for the man to orgasm. The whole thing is prearranged, preagreed. But there are not really any patterns or prearranged times and places for a woman to orgasm – unless she can manage to do so during intercourse. So women are put in the position of asking for something ‘special’, some ‘extra’ stimulation…” (p61 The Hite Reports 1993)
Laura still hoped that one day she might discover how she could orgasm during sex. Despite Shere Hite’s suggestion that nature never intended women to orgasm from intercourse, women today still have the strong impression that they should.
Showing posts with label real female orgasms. Show all posts
Showing posts with label real female orgasms. Show all posts
Thursday, 15 October 2009
Some women never tune into eroticism
Angela, a woman in her early twenties, was having relationship problems with her boyfriend of six months. She was upset that he enjoyed looking at other women. She got him to agree to stop buying pornographic magazines, which she found demeaning.
”Porn to men is not a big deal. They honestly can’t see how watching a sexy film can be any sort of reflection on their love for their girlfriend. Most don’t understand why she takes offence because, as far as they’re concerned, every guy does it. They’re right. Research shows the infrequent porn user is your average guy – 90 per cent of them. He’s not a deviant, he just likes looking at sexy pictures. It’s got a lot to do with what turns each sex on. Usually, men are turned on more by pictures and visual images, women are turned on more by words. Now, that’s a massive generalisation, but true in a lot of cases.” (p235 Hot Relationships 1999)
She believed that if he loved her, he would only want to look at her body. Angela was also disgusted by the idea that men can enjoy eroticism outside a loving relationship. I was surprised by her reaction because it has never occurred to me to place limits on my partner’s enjoyment of eroticism. Equally, I cannot imagine limiting my own thoughts at his request. Angela, still very much in love, was confident that she experienced orgasm with her partner but told me that she did not use fantasy.
Emotional orgasms
Angela was sure that the arousal she gained, although driven through her emotional psychology, resulted in real female orgasms. Even the first time and every time afterwards, intercourse was orgasmic for her. Angela thought that her sexual arousal stemmed from the idea that her partner found her sexually attractive. She said that she could not orgasm from the missionary position and that she needed to be ‘on top’. Who knows? Some sources suggest that women who orgasm during intercourse have a more prominent clitoris or, perhaps, it is simply that their sexual fantasies (or expectations?) map more easily onto reality.
I asked Angela how she knew that she was not having ‘emotional orgasms’ (peaks of sexual arousal). Angela was confident of her interpretation of her experiences. Growing up reading Cosmopolitan magazine, she called herself a ‘Cosmo Girl’ who was well informed about female masturbation and orgasm. Of course, just because a woman has read about other women’s experience of orgasm this does not necessarily mean that she knows how to achieve the same for herself.
Angela had disliked eroticism ever since puberty when her father, brother and their friends made her feel degraded by their lewd sexual remarks. It’s a shame that some women are so sensitive to men’s sexual remarks, which are more often than not intended as a compliment. The problem arises because many women associate eroticism with being considered ‘dirty’.
A young American woman, who had only twenty four hours in Rome, felt so threatened by the young men of Rome that she vowed to spend her whole trip in the women’s hostel. Admittedly, Italian men are the most voluble and persistent of any nation that I have been to! I have always accepted male heckling with a smile and interpreted any sexual innuendo as a compliment.
”Porn to men is not a big deal. They honestly can’t see how watching a sexy film can be any sort of reflection on their love for their girlfriend. Most don’t understand why she takes offence because, as far as they’re concerned, every guy does it. They’re right. Research shows the infrequent porn user is your average guy – 90 per cent of them. He’s not a deviant, he just likes looking at sexy pictures. It’s got a lot to do with what turns each sex on. Usually, men are turned on more by pictures and visual images, women are turned on more by words. Now, that’s a massive generalisation, but true in a lot of cases.” (p235 Hot Relationships 1999)
She believed that if he loved her, he would only want to look at her body. Angela was also disgusted by the idea that men can enjoy eroticism outside a loving relationship. I was surprised by her reaction because it has never occurred to me to place limits on my partner’s enjoyment of eroticism. Equally, I cannot imagine limiting my own thoughts at his request. Angela, still very much in love, was confident that she experienced orgasm with her partner but told me that she did not use fantasy.
Emotional orgasms
Angela was sure that the arousal she gained, although driven through her emotional psychology, resulted in real female orgasms. Even the first time and every time afterwards, intercourse was orgasmic for her. Angela thought that her sexual arousal stemmed from the idea that her partner found her sexually attractive. She said that she could not orgasm from the missionary position and that she needed to be ‘on top’. Who knows? Some sources suggest that women who orgasm during intercourse have a more prominent clitoris or, perhaps, it is simply that their sexual fantasies (or expectations?) map more easily onto reality.
I asked Angela how she knew that she was not having ‘emotional orgasms’ (peaks of sexual arousal). Angela was confident of her interpretation of her experiences. Growing up reading Cosmopolitan magazine, she called herself a ‘Cosmo Girl’ who was well informed about female masturbation and orgasm. Of course, just because a woman has read about other women’s experience of orgasm this does not necessarily mean that she knows how to achieve the same for herself.
Angela had disliked eroticism ever since puberty when her father, brother and their friends made her feel degraded by their lewd sexual remarks. It’s a shame that some women are so sensitive to men’s sexual remarks, which are more often than not intended as a compliment. The problem arises because many women associate eroticism with being considered ‘dirty’.
A young American woman, who had only twenty four hours in Rome, felt so threatened by the young men of Rome that she vowed to spend her whole trip in the women’s hostel. Admittedly, Italian men are the most voluble and persistent of any nation that I have been to! I have always accepted male heckling with a smile and interpreted any sexual innuendo as a compliment.
Women's sexual arousal and orgasm is not automatic
There is an amazing amount of mystery surrounding the subject of women’s sexual arousal. Women’s physical arousal is rarely acknowledged and our understanding of women’s psychological arousal is vague. It is no wonder many of us gain the impression that female orgasms simply mushroom up out of nowhere.
Explanations for women’s sexual arousal often defy belief. For example, it has been suggested that women, unlike men, can reach orgasm in response to many different sources of physical stimulation. One woman even claimed to be able to orgasm from brushing her hair.
This is just one example of how we are asked to believe that women can achieve what even a man would find difficult. It is worth bearing in mind that the majority of men generally know what an orgasm is. Many women are unfamiliar with real female orgasms and are more likely to be talking about sexual arousal.
Sexual arousal originates in the brain
Foremost, something has to be happening in the brain for a person to reach orgasm. Rather like climbing up the steps of a slide in order to enjoy slipping down the other side, it seems unlikely that even women can reach the peak of orgasm without a build up of any kind. In other words, a physical and psychological build up is required to generate the consequent sexual release that we call ‘orgasm’.
Women’s sexual arousal and orgasm is one of Nature’s optional freebies – take it or leave it. But just to state the obvious: if anyone is to experience orgasm, they must first be motivated to do so and secondly they must know how to achieve ‘arousal to orgasm’ that is become aroused enough to reach orgasm. In other words, a woman is not going to discover orgasm while doing the ironing!
“The more you fantasise, the higher your libido. … it’s pretty well established that the more you think about sex, the more you want it. That makes fantasies the cheapest, most effective sex aid around.” (p249 Hot Sex 1998)
For a woman, discovery of orgasm through masturbation is more likely to result from a conscious choice to explore her sexuality than to happen spontaneously. Women have to learn about their sexual arousal and a woman needs to be open-minded enough about eroticism to be able to overcome any moral objections she might have about indulging in the sexual fantasies which lead to orgasm.
“Approximately 30 percent of women don’t have sexual fantasies. For some, it’s a vestige of the old notion that fantasy is something only men do. Others are embarrassed by the harshness of their sexual inspiration and quickly squash it.” (p190 Satisfaction Guaranteed 1996)
Explanations for women’s sexual arousal often defy belief. For example, it has been suggested that women, unlike men, can reach orgasm in response to many different sources of physical stimulation. One woman even claimed to be able to orgasm from brushing her hair.
This is just one example of how we are asked to believe that women can achieve what even a man would find difficult. It is worth bearing in mind that the majority of men generally know what an orgasm is. Many women are unfamiliar with real female orgasms and are more likely to be talking about sexual arousal.
Sexual arousal originates in the brain
Foremost, something has to be happening in the brain for a person to reach orgasm. Rather like climbing up the steps of a slide in order to enjoy slipping down the other side, it seems unlikely that even women can reach the peak of orgasm without a build up of any kind. In other words, a physical and psychological build up is required to generate the consequent sexual release that we call ‘orgasm’.
Women’s sexual arousal and orgasm is one of Nature’s optional freebies – take it or leave it. But just to state the obvious: if anyone is to experience orgasm, they must first be motivated to do so and secondly they must know how to achieve ‘arousal to orgasm’ that is become aroused enough to reach orgasm. In other words, a woman is not going to discover orgasm while doing the ironing!
“The more you fantasise, the higher your libido. … it’s pretty well established that the more you think about sex, the more you want it. That makes fantasies the cheapest, most effective sex aid around.” (p249 Hot Sex 1998)
For a woman, discovery of orgasm through masturbation is more likely to result from a conscious choice to explore her sexuality than to happen spontaneously. Women have to learn about their sexual arousal and a woman needs to be open-minded enough about eroticism to be able to overcome any moral objections she might have about indulging in the sexual fantasies which lead to orgasm.
“Approximately 30 percent of women don’t have sexual fantasies. For some, it’s a vestige of the old notion that fantasy is something only men do. Others are embarrassed by the harshness of their sexual inspiration and quickly squash it.” (p190 Satisfaction Guaranteed 1996)
Real female orgasms
In the film ‘Private Benjamin’, a group of female army recruits sits around a campfire during an overnight exercise.
One of the women says: “I had an orgasm once…” and the others giggle. She goes on to say in a disappointed tone “…but I was alone!” Her girlfriends laugh sympathetically.
In the film, Goldie Hawn plays a spoilt young woman approaching thirty who has been married twice. Happily stoned from smoking marijuana she continues the theme:
“Well, … once when I was with my first husband I got to this place … that was kind of nice and tingly and … I don’t know if this was an official orgasm … but I counted it as one for five years.” She laughs, presumably at her own naivety.
“Orgasm is not just a vague feeling.” (p73 Woman’s Experience of Sex 1983)
Later in the film, she acts as if she genuinely has an orgasm during sex with a new lover. She comments: “Well, now I know what I have been faking all these years!”
Women who think they orgasm during sex when they don’t
To a man, it must be incomprehensible that a woman of thirty can be unsure about whether she has ever had an orgasm. For sexual intercourse to be possible, a man must be at least aroused (in order to have an erection). Women, on the other hand, attribute a whole range of feelings to the experiences of sexual arousal and orgasm in the absence of the knowledge of what real female orgasms feel like.
“When you have an orgasm the pelvic floor muscles always contract. If that does not happen you are not having an orgasm.” (p77 Woman’s Experience of Sex 1983)
In addition to the pelvic muscle contractions, I would describe orgasm as losing full consciousness of your immediate physical surroundings. As a guide, if you are not sure then it has probably not happened yet. A woman who has never had an orgasm thinks of sex as ‘making love’ without necessarily even hoping for orgasm. There is nothing wrong with this approach and many women are content with what they have.
However, it can be difficult to gain any comfort from comparing notes with others because women account for their sexual experiences so differently. Even well-informed and mature women can believe that they orgasm (when they don’t) simply because they do not know what real female orgasms feel like. Female masturbation is relatively uncommon and so most women have much less familiarity with their own sexual arousal and orgasm than men typically have.
One of the women says: “I had an orgasm once…” and the others giggle. She goes on to say in a disappointed tone “…but I was alone!” Her girlfriends laugh sympathetically.
In the film, Goldie Hawn plays a spoilt young woman approaching thirty who has been married twice. Happily stoned from smoking marijuana she continues the theme:
“Well, … once when I was with my first husband I got to this place … that was kind of nice and tingly and … I don’t know if this was an official orgasm … but I counted it as one for five years.” She laughs, presumably at her own naivety.
“Orgasm is not just a vague feeling.” (p73 Woman’s Experience of Sex 1983)
Later in the film, she acts as if she genuinely has an orgasm during sex with a new lover. She comments: “Well, now I know what I have been faking all these years!”
Women who think they orgasm during sex when they don’t
To a man, it must be incomprehensible that a woman of thirty can be unsure about whether she has ever had an orgasm. For sexual intercourse to be possible, a man must be at least aroused (in order to have an erection). Women, on the other hand, attribute a whole range of feelings to the experiences of sexual arousal and orgasm in the absence of the knowledge of what real female orgasms feel like.
“When you have an orgasm the pelvic floor muscles always contract. If that does not happen you are not having an orgasm.” (p77 Woman’s Experience of Sex 1983)
In addition to the pelvic muscle contractions, I would describe orgasm as losing full consciousness of your immediate physical surroundings. As a guide, if you are not sure then it has probably not happened yet. A woman who has never had an orgasm thinks of sex as ‘making love’ without necessarily even hoping for orgasm. There is nothing wrong with this approach and many women are content with what they have.
However, it can be difficult to gain any comfort from comparing notes with others because women account for their sexual experiences so differently. Even well-informed and mature women can believe that they orgasm (when they don’t) simply because they do not know what real female orgasms feel like. Female masturbation is relatively uncommon and so most women have much less familiarity with their own sexual arousal and orgasm than men typically have.
Wednesday, 14 October 2009
Women's sexual arousal relies on sexual fantasies
Real female orgasms involve the release of sexual emotions not romantic feelings. So it does not matter how much you love your partner, orgasm will not materialise out of thin air.
Orgasm requires at least a few naughty thoughts from time to time, so if your conscience is as clear as a nun’s then you can forget about ever having one.
“Few of us reach orgasm without fantasy, so let your imagination go wild! … Don’t get hung up about your fantasy; it doesn’t mean you’re odd, gay or secretly want to be raped. Most women fantasise about things they wouldn’t dream of doing in real life – that’s why we call them fantasies.” (p13 Hot Sex 1998)
It turns out that women use sexual fantasies for sexual arousal and to generate a release of sexual emotions (orgasm) not only during masturbation but also during sex with a partner.
“Many times sexual fantasies are used to induce or enhance sexual arousal, and while fantasies are often combined with masturbation to provide a source of turn-on when a partner is not available, fantasies are also extremely common during sexual activity with some one else. For instance, one study of 212 married women found that sex fantasies help many women achieve sexual arousal and/or orgasm during sexual intercourse.” (p416 Human Sexuality (fifth edition) 1995)
Some women’s sexual fantasises do not transfer to sex
Some women find that they are not able to use their sexual fantasies effectively during sex with a partner. It has been suggested that this is particularly true for complex and surreal fantasies (as they often are). The presence of another person interferes with the mental focus needed to generate sufficient arousal for orgasm.
To generate enough arousal to reach the heights of orgasm, my brain really has to focus. Even a dripping tap or someone else’s presence is enough to destroy my mental absorption in a sexual fantasy. So there is no question of being able to fantasise effectively during sex with a partner.
Women also have to work harder than men to generate orgasm from a much lower base level of sexual arousal. So we have to be more inventive about our sexual fantasies and their surreal nature can make them more difficult to relate to a sex life with a real-life partner.
“Roxanne, a forty-seven-year-old psychiatrist, explains also that ‘women probably fantasize more and harder than men, because the traditional idea of feminine behaviour is a burden to a woman during sex. …
Fantasy restores the balance. Add to that that women spend more time thinking up stories anyway, and read more fiction than men, and you’ve got a wild world in there … lewd extravagances that I’ll bet most men never come even close to imagining.’
By focusing on some aspect of sex that she finds particularly arousing, and by exaggerating it to the point of outrageousness, a woman increases her chances of climaxing.” (p179 Satisfaction Guaranteed 1996)
Orgasm requires at least a few naughty thoughts from time to time, so if your conscience is as clear as a nun’s then you can forget about ever having one.
“Few of us reach orgasm without fantasy, so let your imagination go wild! … Don’t get hung up about your fantasy; it doesn’t mean you’re odd, gay or secretly want to be raped. Most women fantasise about things they wouldn’t dream of doing in real life – that’s why we call them fantasies.” (p13 Hot Sex 1998)
It turns out that women use sexual fantasies for sexual arousal and to generate a release of sexual emotions (orgasm) not only during masturbation but also during sex with a partner.
“Many times sexual fantasies are used to induce or enhance sexual arousal, and while fantasies are often combined with masturbation to provide a source of turn-on when a partner is not available, fantasies are also extremely common during sexual activity with some one else. For instance, one study of 212 married women found that sex fantasies help many women achieve sexual arousal and/or orgasm during sexual intercourse.” (p416 Human Sexuality (fifth edition) 1995)
Some women’s sexual fantasises do not transfer to sex
Some women find that they are not able to use their sexual fantasies effectively during sex with a partner. It has been suggested that this is particularly true for complex and surreal fantasies (as they often are). The presence of another person interferes with the mental focus needed to generate sufficient arousal for orgasm.
To generate enough arousal to reach the heights of orgasm, my brain really has to focus. Even a dripping tap or someone else’s presence is enough to destroy my mental absorption in a sexual fantasy. So there is no question of being able to fantasise effectively during sex with a partner.
Women also have to work harder than men to generate orgasm from a much lower base level of sexual arousal. So we have to be more inventive about our sexual fantasies and their surreal nature can make them more difficult to relate to a sex life with a real-life partner.
“Roxanne, a forty-seven-year-old psychiatrist, explains also that ‘women probably fantasize more and harder than men, because the traditional idea of feminine behaviour is a burden to a woman during sex. …
Fantasy restores the balance. Add to that that women spend more time thinking up stories anyway, and read more fiction than men, and you’ve got a wild world in there … lewd extravagances that I’ll bet most men never come even close to imagining.’
By focusing on some aspect of sex that she finds particularly arousing, and by exaggerating it to the point of outrageousness, a woman increases her chances of climaxing.” (p179 Satisfaction Guaranteed 1996)
Sex and love
A BBC documentary ‘The Human Body’ presented by Dr Robert Winston films a sex education class.
The teacher, after writing up the word ‘SEX’ in large letters on the blackboard, asks the teenagers to suggest other words associated with sex. Some time later, the teacher asks the class for the one word that is missing and, after a pause, writes the word ‘LOVE’ on the board.
Despite modern contraception, sex still involves the risk of pregnancy, sexual disease and considerable emotional turmoil (!). So we promote the link between sex and love to ensure that young people understand the responsibilities associated with a sexual relationship.
A girl of sixteen came out to the South of France one summer. On her first night she met an Australian whose self-confessed ambition was to lay every woman in the resort. She fell for his chat and blond good looks and lost her virginity. The next day he moved on (mission accomplished so to speak) and she was devastated.
Fathers are protective of their daughters for this very reason. They know that sex drive causes a young man to be highly focused on his own orgasm and that any idea of a relationship is likely to be the last thing on his mind. Since a woman does not get the same easy pleasure from sex, she offers a man short-term pleasure in the hope of longer-term companionship, mutual support and family (or a sense of belonging), sometimes referred to as ‘commitment’.
If young women are hoping for more than a ‘one night stand’ then they are best advised to make a man wait (at least a date or two) for sex. It won’t do a man any lasting harm to wait and if he is interested in you as a person then he will be willing to allow time for trust and respect to develop.
Casual sex is usually about the ego trip
In the long run, most of us find that having sex with someone we know and love adds something special to the experience. But that does not mean that sex and love are the same thing. Sex is raunchy, exhilarating, orgasmic and fun. Love is caring and nurturing. The two can go together or side-by-side but they are different. Women’s sexual expectations in our society are often confused with softer images of love and romance.
Sex education for teenagers (especially girls) should cover not only the reproductive facts but also how they can enjoy a sexual relationship. Most women who experience orgasm do so through masturbation or oral sex. Telling teenagers to limit their sexual experiences to intercourse makes it less likely that a woman might learn how to enjoy her own orgasm. Vaginal intercourse may lead to family but it was never intended to facilitate female orgasm, either physically or psychologically.
“In some cases, it was not even clear to the woman herself whether there had been an orgasm or merely high levels of arousal.” (p199 The Hite Report 1976)
Not every woman is attracted to eroticism and so many women miss out on the sexual fantasies that lead to women’s sexual arousal and orgasm. Shere Hite referred to women’s experience of heightened arousal as ‘emotional orgasms’ to differentiate them from real female orgasms. Perhaps the term ‘emotional orgasm’ is unhelpful.
Another way of differentiating between women’s experience of orgasm is by asking about the impact of the relationship. Some women explain their experience of orgasm through their relationship and the idea that their partner finds them sexually attractive. Many women never learn to explore their sexuality either through masturbation or through activities other than sexual intercourse and so they miss out on enjoying sexual pleasure and their own sexual arousal and orgasm.
A woman who enjoys orgasm through masturbation can enjoy orgasm quite separately from her relationship because her sexual psychology is driven through sexual fantasies. Each of these experiences is no better than the other but simply different.
The teacher, after writing up the word ‘SEX’ in large letters on the blackboard, asks the teenagers to suggest other words associated with sex. Some time later, the teacher asks the class for the one word that is missing and, after a pause, writes the word ‘LOVE’ on the board.
Despite modern contraception, sex still involves the risk of pregnancy, sexual disease and considerable emotional turmoil (!). So we promote the link between sex and love to ensure that young people understand the responsibilities associated with a sexual relationship.
A girl of sixteen came out to the South of France one summer. On her first night she met an Australian whose self-confessed ambition was to lay every woman in the resort. She fell for his chat and blond good looks and lost her virginity. The next day he moved on (mission accomplished so to speak) and she was devastated.
Fathers are protective of their daughters for this very reason. They know that sex drive causes a young man to be highly focused on his own orgasm and that any idea of a relationship is likely to be the last thing on his mind. Since a woman does not get the same easy pleasure from sex, she offers a man short-term pleasure in the hope of longer-term companionship, mutual support and family (or a sense of belonging), sometimes referred to as ‘commitment’.
If young women are hoping for more than a ‘one night stand’ then they are best advised to make a man wait (at least a date or two) for sex. It won’t do a man any lasting harm to wait and if he is interested in you as a person then he will be willing to allow time for trust and respect to develop.
Casual sex is usually about the ego trip
In the long run, most of us find that having sex with someone we know and love adds something special to the experience. But that does not mean that sex and love are the same thing. Sex is raunchy, exhilarating, orgasmic and fun. Love is caring and nurturing. The two can go together or side-by-side but they are different. Women’s sexual expectations in our society are often confused with softer images of love and romance.
Sex education for teenagers (especially girls) should cover not only the reproductive facts but also how they can enjoy a sexual relationship. Most women who experience orgasm do so through masturbation or oral sex. Telling teenagers to limit their sexual experiences to intercourse makes it less likely that a woman might learn how to enjoy her own orgasm. Vaginal intercourse may lead to family but it was never intended to facilitate female orgasm, either physically or psychologically.
“In some cases, it was not even clear to the woman herself whether there had been an orgasm or merely high levels of arousal.” (p199 The Hite Report 1976)
Not every woman is attracted to eroticism and so many women miss out on the sexual fantasies that lead to women’s sexual arousal and orgasm. Shere Hite referred to women’s experience of heightened arousal as ‘emotional orgasms’ to differentiate them from real female orgasms. Perhaps the term ‘emotional orgasm’ is unhelpful.
Another way of differentiating between women’s experience of orgasm is by asking about the impact of the relationship. Some women explain their experience of orgasm through their relationship and the idea that their partner finds them sexually attractive. Many women never learn to explore their sexuality either through masturbation or through activities other than sexual intercourse and so they miss out on enjoying sexual pleasure and their own sexual arousal and orgasm.
A woman who enjoys orgasm through masturbation can enjoy orgasm quite separately from her relationship because her sexual psychology is driven through sexual fantasies. Each of these experiences is no better than the other but simply different.
Tuesday, 13 October 2009
Bluffers, fakers and sex surveys
Pam, an attractive woman in her late forties, told me that she had never had a problem with sexual arousal and orgasm. She started masturbating at the age of eight and after thirty years with the same man, she was still enjoying orgasmic sex as she had done from day one.
Women’s sexual arousal and orgasm is not automatic for reasons of anatomy if nothing else – the clitoris is not directly stimulated during intercourse. So it is difficult to know how to respond to someone who suggests that fantasy sex is a reality for them. The implication is that the rest of us have gone badly wrong somewhere!
In an attempt to identify some specifics of her sexual experiences, I asked Pam when she experienced orgasm. She replied that the timing of her orgasm was ‘a moving feast’ and that she could orgasm before, during or after intercourse.
“Even Sharon Stone admits that she did women a disservice in ‘Basic Instinct’ by suggesting that they could reach an orgasm in about 30 seconds flat. This is just not how the female body works, and anyone who suggests otherwise is either a good actress, deluded or blessed by the gods.” (p17 Bluffer’s Guide to Women 1998)
Are these women bluffing or are they just incredibly lucky? If this approach works for you then definitely stick with it!
Fantasy sex where orgasms just happen
I was interested to find out some more details in order to find parallels with other women’s experiences. However, Pam replied that sex was not a subject that could be analysed. She suggested that orgasms just happened naturally, flowing from the passion of the sexual act.
Unfortunately, people get away with claiming complete nonsense about sex just because no one challenges the common sense of their assertions. For example, eight-year-old girls may touch their genitals innocently but this is very different to the kind of adult sexual activity that leads to orgasm. As many women never experience real female orgasms they can bluff and be bluffed surprisingly easily.
I asked Pam whether she had continued to masturbate. She replied that masturbation was ‘but a sneeze’ compared with the orgasms she enjoyed with her partner. Men continue to masturbate throughout their lives but women often imply that the emotional rewards of a sexual relationship replace any need to masturbate.
We all draw different conclusions from interpreting our sexual experiences. After thirty years in a relationship, Pam told me that she could not recall even one serious argument. She and her partner bickered endlessly about trivial matters but had never fallen out over anything serious (even though they had raised children together).
This experience is so different from my own, or that of other couples I have observed, that it is easy to react cynically. Perhaps Pam’s idea of bickering was my idea of a full-scale war. However, let’s be generous and allow that anything is possible, even the ‘perfect’ match. One explanation for this anomaly could be that the couple place few demands on each other.
Presumably, for a fortunate few, the erotic stories describing the overwhelming sexual arousal that fictional women have from vaginal penetration are a reality. For the rest of us these stories remain in the realm of fiction – frankly unachievable.
Women’s sexual arousal and orgasm is not automatic for reasons of anatomy if nothing else – the clitoris is not directly stimulated during intercourse. So it is difficult to know how to respond to someone who suggests that fantasy sex is a reality for them. The implication is that the rest of us have gone badly wrong somewhere!
In an attempt to identify some specifics of her sexual experiences, I asked Pam when she experienced orgasm. She replied that the timing of her orgasm was ‘a moving feast’ and that she could orgasm before, during or after intercourse.
“Even Sharon Stone admits that she did women a disservice in ‘Basic Instinct’ by suggesting that they could reach an orgasm in about 30 seconds flat. This is just not how the female body works, and anyone who suggests otherwise is either a good actress, deluded or blessed by the gods.” (p17 Bluffer’s Guide to Women 1998)
Are these women bluffing or are they just incredibly lucky? If this approach works for you then definitely stick with it!
Fantasy sex where orgasms just happen
I was interested to find out some more details in order to find parallels with other women’s experiences. However, Pam replied that sex was not a subject that could be analysed. She suggested that orgasms just happened naturally, flowing from the passion of the sexual act.
Unfortunately, people get away with claiming complete nonsense about sex just because no one challenges the common sense of their assertions. For example, eight-year-old girls may touch their genitals innocently but this is very different to the kind of adult sexual activity that leads to orgasm. As many women never experience real female orgasms they can bluff and be bluffed surprisingly easily.
I asked Pam whether she had continued to masturbate. She replied that masturbation was ‘but a sneeze’ compared with the orgasms she enjoyed with her partner. Men continue to masturbate throughout their lives but women often imply that the emotional rewards of a sexual relationship replace any need to masturbate.
We all draw different conclusions from interpreting our sexual experiences. After thirty years in a relationship, Pam told me that she could not recall even one serious argument. She and her partner bickered endlessly about trivial matters but had never fallen out over anything serious (even though they had raised children together).
This experience is so different from my own, or that of other couples I have observed, that it is easy to react cynically. Perhaps Pam’s idea of bickering was my idea of a full-scale war. However, let’s be generous and allow that anything is possible, even the ‘perfect’ match. One explanation for this anomaly could be that the couple place few demands on each other.
Presumably, for a fortunate few, the erotic stories describing the overwhelming sexual arousal that fictional women have from vaginal penetration are a reality. For the rest of us these stories remain in the realm of fiction – frankly unachievable.
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