How men appreciate sex and love

My mother never talked to me much about sex but she did tell me to respect a man’s sexual ego. She believed that a man’s sexual performance relies on a sensitive lover who understands how to play to a man’s sexual fantasies.
A man hopes for a lover who is enthusiastic about sharing physical intimacy and their intimate time together as lovers. Essentially, sex is no fun if it is one-sided. More than this, a man wants to feel that his love-making is pleasing his woman. Where does a woman draw the line?
I could not lie by pretending to reach orgasm from intercourse. However, I have put effort into being a responsive lover during sex. I kiss back. I move to his rhythm. I grasp his buttocks or stroke his balls. I run my fingers down his back.
I have approached sex with a willingness to pleasure a man that I now realise other women may not always offer. However, this generosity towards my lover has also meant that I have hoped for more in return. I have questioned why I should always be enthusiastic about sex when my own sexual arousal has been so elusive.
Men are lucky because their experiences of sex and love are closely aligned. When men are physically intimate with someone they find attractive, sexual arousal is usually automatic. This connection between sex and love is much less evident for women.
Men’s easy sexual arousal makes the early days of a romance fairly effortless for a woman. Sadly, sex can become one-sided because a woman’s arousal is so much more difficult to achieve. Orgasm and sexual pleasure are so important to men, if a woman is a generous and sensitive lover, a man is often willing to be generous in return by being devoted to her.
One woman was shocked when a female colleague brazenly admitted that she waits for her husband to be in that state of post-coital gratitude before she asks him to pay for the next household item. Sex needn’t be as manipulative as this. My partner’s devotion to me encourages him to spend more time with the family and with me talking about our goals for our lives together.
It makes senses that sex is more important to men. It would hardly be fair if women got to enjoy sex as much as men do as well all the aspects of reproduction that men can never experience. We might just as well ask why men don’t want to devote the whole of their lives to their children as many women do.
For the survival of our species it is vital that women are devoted to their children. The skills of pleasuring a man through sex are a luxury: nice to have (perhaps even very nice to have!) but not vital to our survival.
After all if men wanted to marry women who were ‘good in bed’ presumably they would simply trawl the brothels for a woman who was well-versed in how to pleasure a man sexually. Likewise, the old-fashioned custom of virgin brides hardly indicates a desire for a wife who is knowledgeable about sexual pleasure.
Nevertheless men seem to need to express their love for a woman through sex and women find this difficult to relate to because we don’t have the same need. Sometimes a woman can feel that a man loves sex more than he loves her.
Since sex and enjoyment of orgasm are much more important to men than they are for women, it tends to be women, not men, who are offended by eroticism. There is a contradiction for men: although they may use plenty of gutsy words to describe a woman they find sexually attractive, they would not like to hear another man talking about a woman they care about in that way.
Emotionally, men need women more than women need men because men do not get the same emotional rewards from same sex friendships and from caring for their children. So although men want sex intensely they also benefit from the emotional intimacy that women provide through family and the wider relationship.

A man's sexual arousal can be very flattering

In the early days of a romance, a man feels loved and needed through sex. A man’s sexual admiration for a woman makes her feel cared for and appreciated.
“Men are motivated and empowered when they feel needed… Women are motivated and empowered when they feel cherished…” (p43 Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus)
In the film ‘The Mirror has two Faces’, Barbra Streisand and Jeff Bridges star as a couple who agree to marry with no intention of ever having sex together. On continued sexual rejection by her husband, Barbra admits “I don’t do anything to you – that’s the problem.” She continues: “I believe in lust and sex and romance. I want someone to go crazy, out of his mind for me.” Sex and love are often confused for women and, for many women, sex need not be about orgasm at all.
Just as men feel valued as providers, women feel valued for being attractive. A woman wants to be rushed off her feet with the passion of her man’s sex drive. She wants to be adored. A woman’s ability to turn her man on causes him to want her both sexually as well as to ‘love and to hold’. Women have this power to attract a man and some people even define female sexuality in these terms.
In Rod Stewart’s song ‘You’re in my heart’ he explains “You are my lover, you’re my best friend”. Emotionally, it’s possible that men need women more than women need men because men don’t share emotional intimacy with others as easily as women do. It is sex that binds a man to a woman and motivates him to fight to the death if necessary to protect her. ‘Titanic’ was one of the most popular films of all time because women love the idea that a man could be so totally devoted.
“How to satisfy a woman every time: Caress, praise, pamper, … die for, dream of, tease, gratify, squeeze, indulge, idolise, worship. How to satisfy a man every time: Arrive naked. ” (p93 Why men don’t listen 1999)
Like it or not, sexual relationships favour male orgasm and naturally, given their drive to reach orgasm, men hope a lover will enhance their sexual arousal. Being the appreciative female lover can be one of the ways that a woman shows that she cares about her partner. She becomes less willing over time when she realises that he does not care about her priorities and feelings. Showing that you care about someone involves talking together and seeking an understanding of how the other person feels and what is important to them.
“A man’s sense of self is defined through his ability to achieve results. ” (p16 Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus)
“A woman’s sense of self is defined through her feelings and the quality of her relationships. ” (p18 Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus)

Sex and love

A BBC documentary ‘The Human Body’ presented by Dr Robert Winston films a sex education class.
The teacher, after writing up the word ‘SEX’ in large letters on the blackboard, asks the teenagers to suggest other words associated with sex. Some time later, the teacher asks the class for the one word that is missing and, after a pause, writes the word ‘LOVE’ on the board.
Despite modern contraception, sex still involves the risk of pregnancy, sexual disease and considerable emotional turmoil (!). So we promote the link between sex and love to ensure that young people understand the responsibilities associated with a sexual relationship.
A girl of sixteen came out to the South of France one summer. On her first night she met an Australian whose self-confessed ambition was to lay every woman in the resort. She fell for his chat and blond good looks and lost her virginity. The next day he moved on (mission accomplished so to speak) and she was devastated.
Fathers are protective of their daughters for this very reason. They know that sex drive causes a young man to be highly focused on his own orgasm and that any idea of a relationship is likely to be the last thing on his mind. Since a woman does not get the same easy pleasure from sex, she offers a man short-term pleasure in the hope of longer-term companionship, mutual support and family (or a sense of belonging), sometimes referred to as ‘commitment’.
If young women are hoping for more than a ‘one night stand’ then they are best advised to make a man wait (at least a date or two) for sex. It won’t do a man any lasting harm to wait and if he is interested in you as a person then he will be willing to allow time for trust and respect to develop.
Casual sex is usually about the ego trip
In the long run, most of us find that having sex with someone we know and love adds something special to the experience. But that does not mean that sex and love are the same thing. Sex is raunchy, exhilarating, orgasmic and fun. Love is caring and nurturing. The two can go together or side-by-side but they are different. Women’s sexual expectations in our society are often confused with softer images of love and romance.
Sex education for teenagers (especially girls) should cover not only the reproductive facts but also how they can enjoy a sexual relationship. Most women who experience orgasm do so through masturbation or oral sex. Telling teenagers to limit their sexual experiences to intercourse makes it less likely that a woman might learn how to enjoy her own orgasm. Vaginal intercourse may lead to family but it was never intended to facilitate female orgasm, either physically or psychologically.
“In some cases, it was not even clear to the woman herself whether there had been an orgasm or merely high levels of arousal.” (p199 The Hite Report 1976)
Not every woman is attracted to eroticism and so many women miss out on the sexual fantasies that lead to women’s sexual arousal and orgasm. Shere Hite referred to women’s experience of heightened arousal as ‘emotional orgasms’ to differentiate them from real female orgasms. Perhaps the term ‘emotional orgasm’ is unhelpful.
Another way of differentiating between women’s experience of orgasm is by asking about the impact of the relationship. Some women explain their experience of orgasm through their relationship and the idea that their partner finds them sexually attractive. Many women never learn to explore their sexuality either through masturbation or through activities other than sexual intercourse and so they miss out on enjoying sexual pleasure and their own sexual arousal and orgasm.
A woman who enjoys orgasm through masturbation can enjoy orgasm quite separately from her relationship because her sexual psychology is driven through sexual fantasies. Each of these experiences is no better than the other but simply different.