Men hope a lover will enhance their sexual arousal

It’s relatively easy for a woman to figure out that men want sex… but they also want to be loved and appreciated through their sexual relationship.
Men’s sexual arousal is usually easy and immediate. Despite the evidence to the contrary they like to hope that a woman feels the same way about sex that they do.
A man can feel that sex represents the most important way of demonstrating that he loves his partner.
At the same time, he perceives a woman’s enthusiasm for sex with him as confirmation of her love for him.
If a man wanted a loving, sexless relationship with a woman he would never have left his mother.
Men need sex, both physiologically and emotionally, more than women. Men’s relationships with others are not as emotionally intimate as women’s tend to be. So a man looks to the woman in his life for the emotional support he needs and sex is the mechanism that men use to express their loving emotions.
How to pleasure a man
From early on, the sensitive female lover learns how to pleasure a man, co-operating quite instinctively during intercourse by moving with the man’s rhythm.
She also learns how to play along with men’s sexual fantasies and acts out the part of the appreciative and responsive lover in order to help him reach orgasm. Sometimes a woman may caress her lover’s body or make encouraging noises to enhance the man’s arousal. Some women even exaggerate their sexual arousal to the point of faking orgasm.
This explains why in the film ‘The Duchess’, Kiera Knightley playing the virgin bride, lies inert as her husband thrusts into her on their wedding night. Women only learn over time that responding as a lover encourages the male orgasm that nearly always ends sexual activity between a man and a woman. A woman appreciates that if she continues to be unmoved by her partner’s love-making, her man will feel that he is failing to please her or that she does not love him. By contrast, the mistress in the film has learnt to make the appreciative noises that sexually experienced women often use as a male turn-on during sex.
“The fact is, we usually co-operate quite extensively during intercourse in order for the man to be able to orgasm. We move along with his rhythm, keep our legs apart and our bodies in positions that make penetration and thrusting possible, and almost never stop intercourse in midstream unless the man has had his orgasm.” (p107 The Hite Reports 1993)
Unless a woman learns how to orgasm during sex with a partner, the role of the female lover can become burdensome in long-term sexual relationships. Even if a man never explicitly acknowledges the assistance of a female lover, a woman has the reward of knowing that she has helped her partner find the sexual release that is so vital to his happiness. From a woman’s perspective, making effort to be more involved in ‘love-making’ reduces the sense of uselessness that arises from participating in a sexual act in which (without the woman’s sexual arousal and orgasm) the woman is effectively merely a bystander.

Eroticism

Men and women live in different worlds when it comes to attitudes to eroticism. I suggested that most women today must know how to pleasure a man but a British sex expert (male) disagreed, “They haven’t a clue, and even if they knew, most wouldn’t do it.”
A joke illustrates the point: “What is the difference between a job and a wife?” Answer “After ten years a job still sucks!”.
Unfortunately many people still believe in sheltering young women from eroticism and so girls are told the basic reproductive facts but nothing of sexual pleasure. We are confident about telling girls about sexual intercourse because it is the means of producing children. It also happens to be one of the easiest ways for a woman to provide a man with sexual release. Putting it crudely, masturbation by hand or mouth not only involves more work but is also more explicitly sexual.
Young women often don’t know how to orgasm and so they have little appreciation of their own sexual pleasure. This explains why women are often easily shocked by sex (in the context of sex play rather than trying for a baby) because they are not necessarily hoping for sexual release (orgasm) from sex. Men definitely are; and so eroticism and sex play, including activities other than intercourse, are more important to men.
A man’s arousal and orgasm are pretty much a given during sex. But a woman can take part in sexual activity without ever becoming aroused or reaching orgasm. So even women who have sex for years do not necessarily know how to orgasm. In order to qualify as ’sexually experienced’, it is quality (breadth of experience) not quantity (years or partners) that counts.
As a minimum, a sexually experienced woman should (1) be able to masturbate to orgasm alone, (2) have explored clitoral stimulation with a partner via mutual masturbation and oral sex and (3) have attempted a variety of positions for sexual intercourse. In order to discover how her arousal works, a woman needs to be positive enough about eroticism to be willing to explore her sexual fantasies. Unfortunately, the average woman (and this includes many ’sex experts’) lacks this experience.
Even in 2009, a major UK bookseller told me they remove the women’s erotic fiction before a head office audit. Presumably stories such as those in the ‘Black Lace’ range offend someone and yet for me they are so mildly erotic that I can rarely use them for orgasm. The same store happily sells pornographic magazines for men but women are supposed to be content with Mills & Boon romantic novels. I go to London for erotic literature with any bite (e.g. book stores along the Charing Cross Road).
Women do not get the same sexual pleasure
It is difficult for women to understand the strength of a man’s passion for sexual pleasure since we have no direct parallel. The film ‘Indecent Proposal’ might be a little far-fetched… nevertheless we are happy to believe that a man would pay as much as one million dollars just to have sex with an attractive woman.
Men experience a purely physical reaction to seeing a woman’s body that has nothing to do with personal relationships. So, men engage lap dancers, visit go-go bars and watch topless reviews because they enjoy the sensations of sexual arousal that come from the physical proximity of a semi-naked woman.
Conversely, women do not tend to pay even for this relatively mild physical gratification because the female mind and body simply do not respond as a man’s mind and body do. Women’s sexual arousal and orgasm is not automatic and so women have to learn about their sexual arousal. Women certainly do experience lust (or the desire to get laid) but it is worth noting that women often need to be enticed into sex whereas men rarely need any encouragement.
“ – men wish that women’s sexuality was like theirs, which it isn’t. Male sexual response is far brisker and more automatic: it is triggered easily by things, like putting a quarter in a vending machine. Consequently, at a certain level and for all men, girls and parts of girls are, at this stimulus level unpeople. That isn’t incompatible with their being people too. Your clothes, breasts, odour, etc. aren’t what he loves instead of you – simply the things he needs in order to set sex in motion to express love. Women seem to find this hard to understand.” (p34 The Joy of Sex – 1972)

Men Hope a Lover Will Enhance Their Sexual Arousal

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