When I could find no answers from talking to experts, I decided to embark on research of my own and talk to women I came across in everyday life.
I did this by writing down some of my experiences and conclusions and then asking women whether they would be willing to read what I had written. I made it clear that there was no obligation for my reviewers to comment.
Perhaps the first point to remark on is just how difficult it is to decide who one can ask to comment (or not) on one’s own personal experiences. I found that there were in fact very few women who I would be brave enough even to ask.
It is much more widely accepted that men are rarely offended by any sexual references. It is much less certain that a woman will not be offended. Even making an approach on such a taboo subject can easily come across as at least odd, if not perverted.
I only approached women who I thought might have a sense of humour about sex. So even if they were not interested they wouldn’t be mortally offended. Even having selected women in this way, the fact is that very few were prepared to comment.
Silence is difficult to interpret. Were they shocked, angry or embarrassed? I’ll never know.
“Many women find it very difficult to talk about sex with their male partners. More than a quarter of the women with whom I have discussed the subject say that they never talk to their partners about things they might do to improve lovemaking.” (p117 Woman’s Experience of Sex 1983)
Women’s experiences are implied as much as stated
Of those who did comment they probably fell into five groups.
(1) Those who were ’shocked’ by explicitly sexual behaviour. They implied that a woman’s sexual experiences should more properly revolve around her relationship with a partner. See sex stories: A sexual relationship and Female masturbation is relatively uncommon.
(2) Those who were confident that orgasm during sex just ‘happens’ the first time and every time. They drew comfort from popular beliefs about female sexuality and often implied that, surely, every woman should orgasm with a lover. See the sex stories: Bluffers, fakers and sex surveys and Some women never tune into eroticism.
(3) Those who were the sexually ‘jaded’. One woman in her late thirties, career and no children, refused to discuss her experiences. She said that all her friends agreed that women don’t get anything out of sex. Women accept sex because they want a relationship with a man (usually for reasons of companionship or family).
(4) Those who had the same experience as me and could only orgasm from masturbation alone. See sex stories Young women often don’t know how to orgasm and Sex advice for women is often misleading.
(5) Those who were confident about orgasm and were able to explain their experiences. These women were relatively relaxed about talking about orgasm. A couple of these explained orgasm with a partner either (A) by masturbation or (B) by using a position. They recognised the need for clitoral stimulation and also admitted to using fantasies during sex for arousal.
(A) Women who masturbate during intercourse: The two women I have spoken to who had this experience (see stories Applying orgasm techniques to sex and Reaching orgasm) learnt to combine masturbation and sex from very early days so perhaps their fantasies map more easily onto reality.
(B) Women who find a position for intercourse: One woman described this experience to me (see the story Positions and techniques for sexual intercourse) but I wonder whether women who are used to more direct clitoral stimulation from masturbation would be able to use this approach.
Friday, 16 October 2009
Female sexuality in perspective
Wikipedia notes that humans are one of the few species known to have intercourse even when the female is not in estrus (the most fertile period of time in the female’s reproductive cycle).
Intelligent social animals learn that cooperative behaviour can be far more successful than that of any individual alone. Hence the Wikipedia entry concludes that, for humans, the use of sex has evolved beyond reproduction to reinforce strong emotional bonds between sexual partners important in long-term sexual relationships.
So humans have sex for a variety of reasons:
recreational: enjoyment of sexual pleasure;
bonding: emotional intimacy to support longer-term sexual relationships (deferred reproductive); and
reproductive: directly seeking to achieve pregnancy.
Individuals are motivated by each of these to varying degrees. Our social history indicates that men are more likely to benefit from enjoying sexual pleasure. After all, only men are motivated to pay for sex. Whereas women are more likely to benefit from the emotional intimacy that keeps a man motivated to support the family.
Reproduction is the main purpose of sex
With all the hype about sexual pleasure it is easy to forget that the PRIME purpose of sex is to reproduce. This involves not only a man impregnating a woman but also the provision of a PROTECTED environment in which a child can hope to reach maturity.
Even today a woman benefits from having the protection of a strong and capable man. So a woman chooses a man who is likely to be able to protect her and a family against the threat from other human males as well as other dangers. Sex provides an emotional intimacy that makes a relationship more stable and more capable of sustaining children in the future.
If a woman wanted sex the same way that men do, they might be tempted to have sex with many different men even when they have children. But who would support them while they are raising all the resulting children? A man wants to know that a child is his before his is likely to be willing to contribute towards its upkeep.
A human female needs to be able to offer a mate the sexual interaction he needs so that he does not seek sex elsewhere. Now we might think that Nature would ensure this by causing sex to be equally pleasurable for men and women. The fact is that there is no need for this because women already have enough incentive: the survival of themselves and their children.
Kiera Knightley stars in the film ‘The Duchess’ in the title role as the Duchess of Devonshire (1757 – 1806). The story portrays the duchess in a loveless marriage under obligation to provide a male heir for her husband. She falls in love with another man but if she spends her life with him she loses the right to live with her children.
Given the choice between sexual pleasure with the man she loves and her children, she chooses to raise her children. Many men are perplexed when women lose interest in sex once their family is complete. Ultimately, the prime purpose of female sexuality is for a woman is to raise a family.
Intelligent social animals learn that cooperative behaviour can be far more successful than that of any individual alone. Hence the Wikipedia entry concludes that, for humans, the use of sex has evolved beyond reproduction to reinforce strong emotional bonds between sexual partners important in long-term sexual relationships.
So humans have sex for a variety of reasons:
recreational: enjoyment of sexual pleasure;
bonding: emotional intimacy to support longer-term sexual relationships (deferred reproductive); and
reproductive: directly seeking to achieve pregnancy.
Individuals are motivated by each of these to varying degrees. Our social history indicates that men are more likely to benefit from enjoying sexual pleasure. After all, only men are motivated to pay for sex. Whereas women are more likely to benefit from the emotional intimacy that keeps a man motivated to support the family.
Reproduction is the main purpose of sex
With all the hype about sexual pleasure it is easy to forget that the PRIME purpose of sex is to reproduce. This involves not only a man impregnating a woman but also the provision of a PROTECTED environment in which a child can hope to reach maturity.
Even today a woman benefits from having the protection of a strong and capable man. So a woman chooses a man who is likely to be able to protect her and a family against the threat from other human males as well as other dangers. Sex provides an emotional intimacy that makes a relationship more stable and more capable of sustaining children in the future.
If a woman wanted sex the same way that men do, they might be tempted to have sex with many different men even when they have children. But who would support them while they are raising all the resulting children? A man wants to know that a child is his before his is likely to be willing to contribute towards its upkeep.
A human female needs to be able to offer a mate the sexual interaction he needs so that he does not seek sex elsewhere. Now we might think that Nature would ensure this by causing sex to be equally pleasurable for men and women. The fact is that there is no need for this because women already have enough incentive: the survival of themselves and their children.
Kiera Knightley stars in the film ‘The Duchess’ in the title role as the Duchess of Devonshire (1757 – 1806). The story portrays the duchess in a loveless marriage under obligation to provide a male heir for her husband. She falls in love with another man but if she spends her life with him she loses the right to live with her children.
Given the choice between sexual pleasure with the man she loves and her children, she chooses to raise her children. Many men are perplexed when women lose interest in sex once their family is complete. Ultimately, the prime purpose of female sexuality is for a woman is to raise a family.
Female sexual pleasure is not required for successful reproduction
I have questioned my sexual experiences since the very first time I had sex. It has amazed me that more women don’t question.
We have known since the 1970’s that vaginal intercourse doesn’t provide sufficient PHYSICAL stimulation (of the clitoris) for orgasm.
My stumbling block was even more fundamental. How do women achieve the PSYCHOLOGICAL arousal needed for orgasm during sex?
Over the years, I have found very few women who seem bothered that sex is unlikely to provide female orgasm. I understand that women who never masturbate are not motivated by orgasm. I am targeting women who are familiar with orgasm from masturbation and who are interested in experiencing something similar with a partner.
Women do not become aroused enough for orgasm simply by looking at the naked male body. If we did, then we would also pay to enjoy the sight of the male body as men do through lap-dancing and pole-dancing bars. Equally, women would buy pornographic magazines (as men do) to enjoy looking at pictures of naked men.
Men learn from masturbation that their sexual arousal arises from an appreciation of pictures of naked women, especially their sexual attributes. This enables men to become easily aroused during sex with a partner.
Women learn from masturbation that their sexual arousal arises from an appreciation of eroticism, through sexual fantasies. These are complex psychological scenarios that involve the behaviour and personalities of imagined characters.
A high level of focus is needed to reach orgasm from sexual fantasies alone. Not only is it difficult to achieve the necessary focus in the presence of another person, even a lover, but such a mental block-out is frankly incompatible when ‘making love’ with a partner.
Men’s psychological arousal is almost instant partly because their bodies are full of the sex hormone, testosterone. Sex has been designed to facilitate male orgasm, which helps provide men with some of the motivation to support a family.
Women’s sexual role (during sex with a partner) remains what it always was:
To accept a man’s desire for physical intimacy as his sign of devotion to her;
To provide a man with sexual pleasure by facilitating male orgasm ; and
By appreciating a man’s love-making, to provide the emotional intimacy that motivates him to support a family.
This explains the contradiction of rape. How can an act that is supposed to be spontaneously pleasurably also inflict so much misery on women? Men are not victims of rape (through vaginal intercourse) as women are because intercourse is an act of male sexual dominance. A woman accepts this sexual subordination only once she has identified a man as a potential mate.
Female orgasm is not required for reproduction. Whether we like it or not, orgasm represents a much smaller part of the wider picture of female sexuality. Luckily women do not have a biological drive to reach orgasm (as men do) so, without an expectation for orgasm, they have nothing to miss.
Women’s modern day interest in orgasm comes from the expectations that were set during the sexual revolution. This has also increased the pressure from men who have always hoped that women might be as enthusiastic about sex as they are.
We have known since the 1970’s that vaginal intercourse doesn’t provide sufficient PHYSICAL stimulation (of the clitoris) for orgasm.
My stumbling block was even more fundamental. How do women achieve the PSYCHOLOGICAL arousal needed for orgasm during sex?
Over the years, I have found very few women who seem bothered that sex is unlikely to provide female orgasm. I understand that women who never masturbate are not motivated by orgasm. I am targeting women who are familiar with orgasm from masturbation and who are interested in experiencing something similar with a partner.
Women do not become aroused enough for orgasm simply by looking at the naked male body. If we did, then we would also pay to enjoy the sight of the male body as men do through lap-dancing and pole-dancing bars. Equally, women would buy pornographic magazines (as men do) to enjoy looking at pictures of naked men.
Men learn from masturbation that their sexual arousal arises from an appreciation of pictures of naked women, especially their sexual attributes. This enables men to become easily aroused during sex with a partner.
Women learn from masturbation that their sexual arousal arises from an appreciation of eroticism, through sexual fantasies. These are complex psychological scenarios that involve the behaviour and personalities of imagined characters.
A high level of focus is needed to reach orgasm from sexual fantasies alone. Not only is it difficult to achieve the necessary focus in the presence of another person, even a lover, but such a mental block-out is frankly incompatible when ‘making love’ with a partner.
Men’s psychological arousal is almost instant partly because their bodies are full of the sex hormone, testosterone. Sex has been designed to facilitate male orgasm, which helps provide men with some of the motivation to support a family.
Women’s sexual role (during sex with a partner) remains what it always was:
To accept a man’s desire for physical intimacy as his sign of devotion to her;
To provide a man with sexual pleasure by facilitating male orgasm ; and
By appreciating a man’s love-making, to provide the emotional intimacy that motivates him to support a family.
This explains the contradiction of rape. How can an act that is supposed to be spontaneously pleasurably also inflict so much misery on women? Men are not victims of rape (through vaginal intercourse) as women are because intercourse is an act of male sexual dominance. A woman accepts this sexual subordination only once she has identified a man as a potential mate.
Female orgasm is not required for reproduction. Whether we like it or not, orgasm represents a much smaller part of the wider picture of female sexuality. Luckily women do not have a biological drive to reach orgasm (as men do) so, without an expectation for orgasm, they have nothing to miss.
Women’s modern day interest in orgasm comes from the expectations that were set during the sexual revolution. This has also increased the pressure from men who have always hoped that women might be as enthusiastic about sex as they are.
Sexual arousal during intercourse
When I had sex for the first time, I was disappointed because I had hoped that sex would be spontaneously arousing enough for me to orgasm. I didn’t have any clear idea about what I would do during sex except perhaps to respond affectionately to my lover’s love-making.
It’s amazing when you think of it. I was eighteen years old and a virgin so my vagina was as tight as it was ever likely to be. Yet I couldn’t feel a thing from thrusting, not even when my partner’s penis initially penetrated me. I was waiting for something to happen and suddenly it was all over.
Even subsequent times I was none the wiser. Naturally, we experimented with oral sex as well as different positions and techniques for sexual intercourse but nothing worked. Sex was so far from providing sexual arousal that it was hard to imagine what would make a difference.
Although I knew how to orgasm from masturbation, this was of little use to me. Masturbation was a solitary experience relying on being highly focused on sexual fantasies. Sex with a partner was completely different. For one, the environment was incompatible with the use of fantasies.
Erotic literature had given me absolute faith that foreplay and vaginal intercourse would provide guaranteed spontaneous sexual arousal and orgasm. So I just lay there, like a lemon, waiting to be transported to the heights of sexual pleasure assuming no need to contribute in any way.
Despite searching for answers for over ten years, so far no one has been able to explain them at all. When I have told them that my boyfriend remarked, that other virgins had made the same comment, the most usual reaction is silence. I am told that if I read so-and-so I would realise that my experience cannot be. They imply that no one else has the same experience.
Therapists conclude that since other women say nothing they must be happy with sex. There is little acknowledgement of just how embarrassed most people are about discussing their sexual experiences. I can vouch for the fact that even when a person is relatively relaxed about sex (as I have been) the humiliation of the implied sexual inadequacy is a very effective silencer.
So women learn to accept their sexual experiences for what they are. They make the best of it for the sake of their partner. Sex becomes an activity to be ‘gotten over with’. Sexual arousal is implied or faked depending on pressure from the man.
As a more experienced woman I now know that a woman plays along with men’s sexual fantasies, in part, to minimise her own investment of effort in an activity that is not designed to provide women with an equal sexual pleasure.
After all, it’s human nature… Why spend half an hour when you only need to spend a couple of minutes? Even prostitutes know the value of time (and, of course, money). It is much more efficient for a woman to play along with a man’s fantasies of arousing a woman so that he orgasms quickly.
In the end, men are directly looking for sexual pleasure (orgasm in particular) but women are, more often, willing to settle for affection and the emotional aspects of sexual relationships.
It’s amazing when you think of it. I was eighteen years old and a virgin so my vagina was as tight as it was ever likely to be. Yet I couldn’t feel a thing from thrusting, not even when my partner’s penis initially penetrated me. I was waiting for something to happen and suddenly it was all over.
Even subsequent times I was none the wiser. Naturally, we experimented with oral sex as well as different positions and techniques for sexual intercourse but nothing worked. Sex was so far from providing sexual arousal that it was hard to imagine what would make a difference.
Although I knew how to orgasm from masturbation, this was of little use to me. Masturbation was a solitary experience relying on being highly focused on sexual fantasies. Sex with a partner was completely different. For one, the environment was incompatible with the use of fantasies.
Erotic literature had given me absolute faith that foreplay and vaginal intercourse would provide guaranteed spontaneous sexual arousal and orgasm. So I just lay there, like a lemon, waiting to be transported to the heights of sexual pleasure assuming no need to contribute in any way.
Despite searching for answers for over ten years, so far no one has been able to explain them at all. When I have told them that my boyfriend remarked, that other virgins had made the same comment, the most usual reaction is silence. I am told that if I read so-and-so I would realise that my experience cannot be. They imply that no one else has the same experience.
Therapists conclude that since other women say nothing they must be happy with sex. There is little acknowledgement of just how embarrassed most people are about discussing their sexual experiences. I can vouch for the fact that even when a person is relatively relaxed about sex (as I have been) the humiliation of the implied sexual inadequacy is a very effective silencer.
So women learn to accept their sexual experiences for what they are. They make the best of it for the sake of their partner. Sex becomes an activity to be ‘gotten over with’. Sexual arousal is implied or faked depending on pressure from the man.
As a more experienced woman I now know that a woman plays along with men’s sexual fantasies, in part, to minimise her own investment of effort in an activity that is not designed to provide women with an equal sexual pleasure.
After all, it’s human nature… Why spend half an hour when you only need to spend a couple of minutes? Even prostitutes know the value of time (and, of course, money). It is much more efficient for a woman to play along with a man’s fantasies of arousing a woman so that he orgasms quickly.
In the end, men are directly looking for sexual pleasure (orgasm in particular) but women are, more often, willing to settle for affection and the emotional aspects of sexual relationships.
Women who fake orgasm
Men tell me that they are sure that ALL the women they sleep with orgasm during sex. But that’s kind of what faking orgasm is about, isn’t it? It if wasn’t convincing then what would be the point?
If men want to know the truth then I suggest sleeping around a bit more and not always with sexually experienced women. Virgins are much more likely to be disappointed that intercourse does not lead to female sexual arousal.
Very few virgins approach sex realising that a woman might need to exaggerate her true sexual arousal during sex. Women learn over time to fake orgasm because men expect them to be moved by their love-making.
If my partner is keen but my mind is not tuned into erotic thoughts enough for me to want to engage on anything naughtier then we ‘make love’.
My partner enjoys vaginal intercourse for the full-frontal access to my body and the turn-on of penetration. Mostly we use the missionary position. Sometimes I lift my legs up so that he has better access to my open body and I hug my legs around his back. Occasionally we use other positions for intercourse, such as, woman on top or doggy style from behind.
We both enjoy intimate kissing and sensual touching. I run my hands over his back and squeeze his buttocks perhaps pulling him towards me. I tense my pelvic floor muscles to squeeze his penis inside me, which increases the stimulation of his penis.
I enjoy mild sensations of arousal, especially when my partner’s groin grinds into my clitoris. I accept that intercourse is not arousing enough for orgasm. It is simply a loving and sensual act that I share with my partner primarily for his sexual pleasure.
“Sometimes they can choose to take a long time so that she gets her orgasm, and at other times, when she is not in the mood for an orgasm, he can enjoy the unrestrained freedom of just going for his orgasm.” (p73 Mars & Venus in the Bedroom 1995)
When I do orgasm (from anal penetration) my partner knows because he can feel the pelvic muscles contracting.
Men’s expectations cause women to fake orgasm
It is men’s modern expectation that female orgasm should occur during intercourse that causes women to fake. After all, the phenomenon of faking has only arisen since the sexual revolution that said that all women should orgasm during sex.
Rachel Swift explains the problem: “There are many reasons. By far the most common is that we fear to display our so-called ‘inadequacy’ in not being able to climax. We are afraid of being labelled ‘frigid’.” (p172 Women’s Pleasure 1993)
Rachel adds: “Another important reason why women fake their orgasm is the fear of upsetting their partner. Many men anxiously insist that the woman must have satisfaction.” (p173 Women’s Pleasure 1993)
The trouble with faking is that it is a one-way street. Once you have led a man to believe that sex is orgasmic it’s a little difficult to make a confession. If a woman hasn’t the guts to admit it first time around then she is unlikely to confess later on.
Even if a woman wanted to be honest, she still has the problem of how to respond during sex. Men want a partner to be enthusiastic for them to enjoy sex. A willingness to engage on fantasy sex play is what makes a woman ‘good in bed’.
If a woman just lies there then sex is likely to last longer, which is not necessarily in her interests if she knows that intercourse does not lead to sexual arousal. Many men assume that women will assist with their sexual arousal as a matter of course.
Women are likely to need to fake orgasm during intercourse because the vagina (as part of the birth canal) has very few nerve endings. The clitoris (as the female sex organ) is much more sensitive. Basically, you have to touch what works.
If men want to know the truth then I suggest sleeping around a bit more and not always with sexually experienced women. Virgins are much more likely to be disappointed that intercourse does not lead to female sexual arousal.
Very few virgins approach sex realising that a woman might need to exaggerate her true sexual arousal during sex. Women learn over time to fake orgasm because men expect them to be moved by their love-making.
If my partner is keen but my mind is not tuned into erotic thoughts enough for me to want to engage on anything naughtier then we ‘make love’.
My partner enjoys vaginal intercourse for the full-frontal access to my body and the turn-on of penetration. Mostly we use the missionary position. Sometimes I lift my legs up so that he has better access to my open body and I hug my legs around his back. Occasionally we use other positions for intercourse, such as, woman on top or doggy style from behind.
We both enjoy intimate kissing and sensual touching. I run my hands over his back and squeeze his buttocks perhaps pulling him towards me. I tense my pelvic floor muscles to squeeze his penis inside me, which increases the stimulation of his penis.
I enjoy mild sensations of arousal, especially when my partner’s groin grinds into my clitoris. I accept that intercourse is not arousing enough for orgasm. It is simply a loving and sensual act that I share with my partner primarily for his sexual pleasure.
“Sometimes they can choose to take a long time so that she gets her orgasm, and at other times, when she is not in the mood for an orgasm, he can enjoy the unrestrained freedom of just going for his orgasm.” (p73 Mars & Venus in the Bedroom 1995)
When I do orgasm (from anal penetration) my partner knows because he can feel the pelvic muscles contracting.
Men’s expectations cause women to fake orgasm
It is men’s modern expectation that female orgasm should occur during intercourse that causes women to fake. After all, the phenomenon of faking has only arisen since the sexual revolution that said that all women should orgasm during sex.
Rachel Swift explains the problem: “There are many reasons. By far the most common is that we fear to display our so-called ‘inadequacy’ in not being able to climax. We are afraid of being labelled ‘frigid’.” (p172 Women’s Pleasure 1993)
Rachel adds: “Another important reason why women fake their orgasm is the fear of upsetting their partner. Many men anxiously insist that the woman must have satisfaction.” (p173 Women’s Pleasure 1993)
The trouble with faking is that it is a one-way street. Once you have led a man to believe that sex is orgasmic it’s a little difficult to make a confession. If a woman hasn’t the guts to admit it first time around then she is unlikely to confess later on.
Even if a woman wanted to be honest, she still has the problem of how to respond during sex. Men want a partner to be enthusiastic for them to enjoy sex. A willingness to engage on fantasy sex play is what makes a woman ‘good in bed’.
If a woman just lies there then sex is likely to last longer, which is not necessarily in her interests if she knows that intercourse does not lead to sexual arousal. Many men assume that women will assist with their sexual arousal as a matter of course.
Women are likely to need to fake orgasm during intercourse because the vagina (as part of the birth canal) has very few nerve endings. The clitoris (as the female sex organ) is much more sensitive. Basically, you have to touch what works.
Sexual arousal arises from an appreciation of eroticism
Much of what is known about female orgasm comes from women’s experience of masturbation. I found Shere Hite’s conclusions useful because they accorded with my own experience.
Shere Hite compared female masturbation with vaginal intercourse to explain why the lack of genital simulation (of the clitoris) would be likely to make it difficult for women to reach orgasm with a partner.
It did not explain why I have never been able to orgasm from clitoral stimulation with a partner, for example, purely from manual stimulation of the clitoris or through oral sex. Of course, the other characteristic of masturbation that is missing during sex is fantasy. That is unless a woman finds a way to incorporate sexual fantasies into her sex life.
It was some time before I came across the fact indicated by surveys that many women do use fantasy to orgasm during sex with a partner. Frankly I was amazed because this was something I had never really considered. The context of sex with a partner was inappropriate for my use of fantasy, which required a highly focused state of mind.
“Many times sexual fantasies are used to induce or enhance sexual arousal, and while fantasies are often combined with masturbation to provide a source of turn-on when a partner is not available, fantasies are also extremely common during sexual activity with someone else. For instance, one study of 212 married women found that sex fantasies help many women achieve sexual arousal and/or orgasm during sexual intercourse.” (p416 Human Sexuality (fifth edition) 1995)
Women use sexual fantasies both alone and with a partner
The realisation that some women do use fantasy during sex (and I was able to confirm this with a few of the woman I spoke to) allowed me to see a parallel with my experience of orgasm from masturbation. I realised that although I used clitoral stimulation during masturbation it only worked when combined with the use of sexual fantasies.
Sheila Kitzinger made the point that sex, especially sexual arousal, is primarily in the brain. I then realised that most accounts of sex focus heavily on PHYSICAL stimulation techniques and that PSYCHOLOGICAL arousal tends to be simply assumed or overlooked. I concluded that this is probably because psychological sexual arousal for men is usually a given.
My suggestion is that just as men need EROTIC IMAGES and stimulation of the PENIS for orgasm, women need EROTIC STORIES and stimulation of the CLITORIS for orgasm. This is my explanation of how I have reached that conclusion and how it fits with men’s experiences of sexual arousal and orgasm.
It makes sense that women will need to use fantasy more than men to reach orgasm during sex. Women have much lower levels of testosterone, the hormone that boosts sex drive. Also the naked male body does not cause women to become aroused enough for orgasm (otherwise women would buy porn as men do).
There is no logical reason why sexual fantasies should not be a part of our sex life (whether or not admitted to a partner). This conclusion helps explain why foreplay techniques may not be as effective as we would hope because, just as during female masturbation, women’s sexual arousal relies on sexual fantasies.
Shere Hite compared female masturbation with vaginal intercourse to explain why the lack of genital simulation (of the clitoris) would be likely to make it difficult for women to reach orgasm with a partner.
It did not explain why I have never been able to orgasm from clitoral stimulation with a partner, for example, purely from manual stimulation of the clitoris or through oral sex. Of course, the other characteristic of masturbation that is missing during sex is fantasy. That is unless a woman finds a way to incorporate sexual fantasies into her sex life.
It was some time before I came across the fact indicated by surveys that many women do use fantasy to orgasm during sex with a partner. Frankly I was amazed because this was something I had never really considered. The context of sex with a partner was inappropriate for my use of fantasy, which required a highly focused state of mind.
“Many times sexual fantasies are used to induce or enhance sexual arousal, and while fantasies are often combined with masturbation to provide a source of turn-on when a partner is not available, fantasies are also extremely common during sexual activity with someone else. For instance, one study of 212 married women found that sex fantasies help many women achieve sexual arousal and/or orgasm during sexual intercourse.” (p416 Human Sexuality (fifth edition) 1995)
Women use sexual fantasies both alone and with a partner
The realisation that some women do use fantasy during sex (and I was able to confirm this with a few of the woman I spoke to) allowed me to see a parallel with my experience of orgasm from masturbation. I realised that although I used clitoral stimulation during masturbation it only worked when combined with the use of sexual fantasies.
Sheila Kitzinger made the point that sex, especially sexual arousal, is primarily in the brain. I then realised that most accounts of sex focus heavily on PHYSICAL stimulation techniques and that PSYCHOLOGICAL arousal tends to be simply assumed or overlooked. I concluded that this is probably because psychological sexual arousal for men is usually a given.
My suggestion is that just as men need EROTIC IMAGES and stimulation of the PENIS for orgasm, women need EROTIC STORIES and stimulation of the CLITORIS for orgasm. This is my explanation of how I have reached that conclusion and how it fits with men’s experiences of sexual arousal and orgasm.
It makes sense that women will need to use fantasy more than men to reach orgasm during sex. Women have much lower levels of testosterone, the hormone that boosts sex drive. Also the naked male body does not cause women to become aroused enough for orgasm (otherwise women would buy porn as men do).
There is no logical reason why sexual fantasies should not be a part of our sex life (whether or not admitted to a partner). This conclusion helps explain why foreplay techniques may not be as effective as we would hope because, just as during female masturbation, women’s sexual arousal relies on sexual fantasies.
Talking to women about sexual relationships
Once I found the experts had no rational explanations to offer me, I decided to embark on my own personal research by asking women I met in everyday life.
I quickly learned just how embarrassing it was to approach women on such an intimate topic. Very few women are willing to talk about sex at all and even fewer have anything to say about orgasm. The vast majority are silent so it is difficult to know what they think.
It would be nice to imagine that at least some are quietly getting on with it; too busy doing to be talking about it. But given how shocked most women are by any mention of explicit sexual activity, I question how many explore sex beyond the basics.
When I mention that I am a sex writer (only to those women I hope will not drop dead from shock at the mention of the word!) most women avoid the subject completely. They don’t even risk a commonplace comment like ‘How interesting!’ or ‘How brave!’.
This lack of confidence or embarrassment (or however you interpret being snubbed) does not convey the impression that women are happily enjoying orgasmic sex. I can only assume that women’s sexual experiences are not as sensational as we’d like to hope.
I have talked to women of varying ages. No doubt, people will tell me that I have encountered an unrepresentative group of women. One woman suggested that I must ‘live in a broom cupboard’ because of the reactions I have reported. They have no idea.
I challenge anyone who thinks differently to try approaching women they know: relatives, friends, neighbours, work colleagues, fellow holiday-makers etc. What is difficult to appreciate until you try this for real, is just how embarrassing it is to ask anyone about their personal experiences of sex.
Most women have no comment on the subject of orgasm
Many people claim to be relaxed about sex but they run a mile if you ask for details. Likewise women may joke together as a group and compare notes over their lovers’ sexual performance but never their own. The women who were brave enough to talk to me admitted that they never divulged the same details even to their closest friends.
Most women never comment on the popular image of female sexuality. So the views of the more vocal minority win the day. Even young women can be shocked by references to female masturbation and clitoral stimulation. Older women assume that only men and lesbians masturbate and clearly have no idea why a heterosexual woman might want to stimulate her genitals.
A young woman in her mid-twenties told me that she was too embarrassed to talk to anyone about her inability to orgasm during sex. She had assumed that it was her boyfriend’s fault and that perhaps she didn’t love him enough. Only once I told her some of the facts that might explain her experience was she brave enough to mention the issue to her mother.
Her mother, a medical doctor, responded (with slight bravado given her previous silence): “Of course you don’t orgasm during sex!” Some women are happy to accept such conclusions without questioning.
Others want to understand why popular beliefs are so misleading. I certainly did. Unfortunately so often, it isn’t done to ask why because people feel uncomfortable when they have no answers.
One woman told me that she would never allow young people to have sex in her house. I did not understand why since the traditional issues no longer apply. Yet it was clearly impolite to ask for an explanation because of the sensitivity of the subject.
Anyone who doubts that these attitudes exist should get out of their own broom cupboard. When a young boy said: “My parents told me that’s disgusting!” my heart-rate shot up instantly. The taboo of sex causes emotions to run high whatever our beliefs.
I quickly learned just how embarrassing it was to approach women on such an intimate topic. Very few women are willing to talk about sex at all and even fewer have anything to say about orgasm. The vast majority are silent so it is difficult to know what they think.
It would be nice to imagine that at least some are quietly getting on with it; too busy doing to be talking about it. But given how shocked most women are by any mention of explicit sexual activity, I question how many explore sex beyond the basics.
When I mention that I am a sex writer (only to those women I hope will not drop dead from shock at the mention of the word!) most women avoid the subject completely. They don’t even risk a commonplace comment like ‘How interesting!’ or ‘How brave!’.
This lack of confidence or embarrassment (or however you interpret being snubbed) does not convey the impression that women are happily enjoying orgasmic sex. I can only assume that women’s sexual experiences are not as sensational as we’d like to hope.
I have talked to women of varying ages. No doubt, people will tell me that I have encountered an unrepresentative group of women. One woman suggested that I must ‘live in a broom cupboard’ because of the reactions I have reported. They have no idea.
I challenge anyone who thinks differently to try approaching women they know: relatives, friends, neighbours, work colleagues, fellow holiday-makers etc. What is difficult to appreciate until you try this for real, is just how embarrassing it is to ask anyone about their personal experiences of sex.
Most women have no comment on the subject of orgasm
Many people claim to be relaxed about sex but they run a mile if you ask for details. Likewise women may joke together as a group and compare notes over their lovers’ sexual performance but never their own. The women who were brave enough to talk to me admitted that they never divulged the same details even to their closest friends.
Most women never comment on the popular image of female sexuality. So the views of the more vocal minority win the day. Even young women can be shocked by references to female masturbation and clitoral stimulation. Older women assume that only men and lesbians masturbate and clearly have no idea why a heterosexual woman might want to stimulate her genitals.
A young woman in her mid-twenties told me that she was too embarrassed to talk to anyone about her inability to orgasm during sex. She had assumed that it was her boyfriend’s fault and that perhaps she didn’t love him enough. Only once I told her some of the facts that might explain her experience was she brave enough to mention the issue to her mother.
Her mother, a medical doctor, responded (with slight bravado given her previous silence): “Of course you don’t orgasm during sex!” Some women are happy to accept such conclusions without questioning.
Others want to understand why popular beliefs are so misleading. I certainly did. Unfortunately so often, it isn’t done to ask why because people feel uncomfortable when they have no answers.
One woman told me that she would never allow young people to have sex in her house. I did not understand why since the traditional issues no longer apply. Yet it was clearly impolite to ask for an explanation because of the sensitivity of the subject.
Anyone who doubts that these attitudes exist should get out of their own broom cupboard. When a young boy said: “My parents told me that’s disgusting!” my heart-rate shot up instantly. The taboo of sex causes emotions to run high whatever our beliefs.
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