Women Have to Learn About Their Sexual Arousal

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Some Women Do Explore Sexual Pleasure

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Some Women Never Tune Into Eroticism

Angela, a woman in her early twenties, was having relationship problems with her boyfriend of six months. She was upset that he enjoyed looking at other women. She got him to agree to stop buying pornographic magazines, which she found demeaning.

"Porn to men is not a big deal. They honestly can't see how watching a sexy film can be any sort of reflection on their love for their girlfriend. Most don't understand why she takes offence because, as far as they're concerned, every guy does it.

They're right. Research shows the infrequent porn user is your average guy - 90 per cent of them. He's not a deviant, he just likes looking at sexy pictures. It's got a lot to do with what turns each sex on.

Usually, men are turned on more by pictures and visual images, women are turned on more by words. Now, that's a massive generalisation, but true in a lot of cases." (p235 Hot Relationships 1999)

She believed that if he loved her, he would only want to look at her body. Angela was also disgusted by the idea that men can enjoy eroticism outside a loving relationship. I was surprised by her reaction because it has never occurred to me to place limits on my partner's enjoyment of eroticism. Equally, I cannot imagine limiting my own thoughts at his request. Angela, still very much in love, was confident that she experienced orgasm with her partner but told me that she did not use fantasy.

Emotional orgasms

Angela was sure that the arousal she gained, although driven through her emotional psychology, resulted in real female orgasms. Even the first time and every time afterwards, intercourse was orgasmic for her.

Angela thought that her sexual arousal stemmed from the idea that her partner found her sexually attractive. She said that she could not orgasm from the missionary position and that she needed to be 'on top'. Who knows? Some sources suggest that women who orgasm during intercourse have a more prominent clitoris or, perhaps, it is simply that their sexual fantasies (or expectations?) map more easily onto reality.

I asked Angela how she knew that she was not having 'emotional orgasms' (peaks of sexual arousal). Angela was confident of her interpretation of her experiences. Growing up reading Cosmopolitan magazine, she called herself a 'Cosmo Girl' who was well informed about female masturbation and orgasm. Of course, just because a woman has read about other women's experience of orgasm this does not necessarily mean that she knows how to achieve the same for herself.

Angela had disliked eroticism ever since puberty when her father, brother and their friends made her feel degraded by their lewd sexual remarks. It’s a shame that some women are so sensitive to men’s sexual remarks, which are more often than not intended as a compliment. The problem arises because many women associate eroticism with being considered ‘dirty’.

A young American woman, who had only twenty four hours in Rome, felt so threatened by the young men of Rome that she vowed to spend her whole trip in the women’s hostel. Admittedly, Italian men are the most voluble and persistent of any nation that I have been to! I have always accepted male heckling with a smile and interpreted any sexual innuendo as a compliment.

By Jane Thomas author of www.WaysWomenOrgasm.org and www.Nosper.com

Women often only discover orgasm by learning how to masturbate

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Holding Men Responsible For Women's Sexual Arousal

Quite unfairly, we often blame men for the difficulties that women have with orgasm during sex. For example, it is suggested that by coming too soon men fail to provide enough stimulation through thrusting.

In fact, intercourse is unlikely to provide most women with enough clitoral stimulation regardless of how long the man continues thrusting.

"Closely linked with the traditional pressure on men to maintain long erection and thrusting during intercourse is the idea that it is a man's role to 'give' the woman an orgasm during intercourse. ...

In addition to the pressure created by this role, this idea also often puts the man in a no-win situation since the information he has been given - that thrusting during intercourse should bring a woman to orgasm - is faulty. This places him in a vulnerable position, leaving him to doubt his masculinity whenever female orgasm does not occur and also possibly pressuring the woman to fake orgasms." (p160 The Hite Reports 1993)

Sexual arousal depends on the mind more than the body

Sex advice today often plays on male insecurities by suggesting that a man can 'give his woman an orgasm' or even (for heaven's sake!) multiple orgasms. This is ludicrous. The fact is that most women use fantasy to reach orgasm and no man can control what is going on inside a woman's head.

A woman can arouse a man simply by revealing her body - this is just the way nature intended things to work and not down to her individual talents (pole & lap dancing aside!). A male lover does not have the same natural advantage because most women do not find the body of a sexual partner as arousing as men do.

Many women do not know how their own sexual arousal works so small wonder that men struggle to find techniques to turn their woman on!

In 'The Hite Reports', a male respondent points out: "It seems that women have only recently discovered the nature and depth of their own sexuality... Yet women are angry at men for not understanding their sexuality already... as if men should be experts at something about women that even women didn't know!" (p182 The Hite Reports 1993)

Touché! Perhaps, because men appear to enjoy sex so spontaneously, women assume they have some innate understanding of sex that we fundamentally lack. So we leave the initiative to the man hoping against all odds that something will happen as if by magic. Unfortunately, women's sexual arousal and orgasm is not automatic and so pleasuring a woman is not easy.

Older generations of women never hoped for orgasm from their relationships but equally a man never felt obliged to facilitate a woman's orgasm during sex. The sexual revolution has made men feel just as inadequate as women. The difficulty for modern couples is matching reality with our high expectations fueled by a much more powerful media.

By Jane Thomas author of www.WaysWomenOrgasm.org and www.Nosper.com

Why Foreplay Techniques Don't Always Work As We Think They Should

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How to Orgasm (If You're a Woman!)

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Men Hope a Lover Will Enhance Their Sexual Arousal

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Female Masturbation is Relatively Uncommon

Carolyn, a relationship counselor in her fifties, told me she thought it unwise to positively encourage female masturbation. She did not give her reasons.

"Many women think of masturbation as unnatural and disgusting and a complete waste of time, and don't understand why anybody does it and are unsympathetic to the view that people might continue to do it even though they have sexual partners. The majority of men, though they may keep their feelings to themselves, don't agree." (p52 Healthy Sex 1998)

It is often implied that for a heterosexual woman, sex is an emotional experience and that orgasm (if acknowledged at all) comes from simply loving her partner. The unspoken fear is that any activity as sexually explicit as masturbation, might interfere with the more acceptable loving experiences that a sexual relationship can provide.

Carolyn knew that I masturbated and she asked me, rather tactlessly I thought, whether I had ever had any lesbian tendencies. It reminds me of the joke told by a character in the film 'Flashdance'. A male chef asks, "What's this?" and sticks his tongue out flat. The answer - "A lesbian with a hard on!".

Lesbian women are seen to be explicitly sexual with a need for their own physical sexual arousal (involving the clitoris). Whereas many heterosexual women are more comfortable settling for the loving aspects of relationships including sexual intercourse, which can be justified morally on the grounds of reproduction. There is an implication that there is something immoral about heterosexual women enjoying sexual pleasure.

We like to underplay the physical aspects of heterosexual women's sexual arousal. Even though women do have 'hard-ons' we rarely acknowledge this fact. We prefer to attribute strong physical responses to male sexuality. My own experience is that although I enjoy my own sexual arousal and orgasm, my focus is on what is happening in my head rather than to my body. In general, men are more tuned into the physical side of sex (genital focus) but a woman appreciates the sensuality of her whole body (her power to arouse a man).

One disadvantage of masturbation and learning how to give yourself an orgasm early on in life is that your expectation is set much higher than a woman who does not know what an orgasm is. You are then sure to face disappointment if you assume that a sexual experience shared with a lover will necessarily be as easily pleasurable.

"Masturbation is a normal sexual outlet, which is most common in adolescence, but which is practised at all ages, by people with and without sexual partners. Masturbation is a healthy way of learning to explore your body, of developing your sexuality and your sexual fantasies. All of these are important for a fulfilling sexual life." (p56 EveryMan 1980)

By Jane Thomas author of http://www.WaysWomenOrgasm.org and http://www.Nosper.com

Bluffers, Fakers and Sex Surveys

Pam, an attractive woman in her late forties, told me that she had never had a problem with sexual arousal and orgasm. She started masturbating at the age of eight and after thirty years with the same man, she was still enjoying orgasmic sex as she had done from day one.

Women’s sexual arousal and orgasm is not automatic for reasons of anatomy if nothing else - the clitoris is not directly stimulated during intercourse. So it is difficult to know how to respond to someone who suggests that fantasy sex is a reality for them. The implication is that the rest of us have gone badly wrong somewhere!

In an attempt to identify some specifics of her sexual experiences, I asked Pam when she experienced orgasm. She replied that the timing of her orgasm was ‘a moving feast’ and that she could orgasm before, during or after intercourse.

“Even Sharon Stone admits that she did women a disservice in ‘Basic Instinct’ by suggesting that they could reach an orgasm in about 30 seconds flat. This is just not how the female body works, and anyone who suggests otherwise is either a good actress, deluded or blessed by the gods.” (p17 Bluffer’s Guide to Women 1998)

Are these women bluffing or are they just incredibly lucky? If this approach works for you then definitely stick with it!

Fantasy sex where orgasms just happen

I was interested to find out some more details in order to find parallels with other women’s experiences. However, Pam replied that sex was not a subject that could be analysed. She suggested that orgasms just happened naturally, flowing from the passion of the sexual act.

Unfortunately, people get away with claiming complete nonsense about sex just because no one challenges the common sense of their assertions. For example, eight-year-old girls may touch their genitals innocently but this is very different to the kind of adult sexual activity that leads to orgasm. As many women never experience real female orgasms they can bluff and be bluffed surprisingly easily.

I asked Pam whether she had continued to masturbate. She replied that masturbation was ‘but a sneeze’ compared with the orgasms she enjoyed with her partner. Men continue to masturbate throughout their lives but women often imply that the emotional rewards of a sexual relationship replace any need to masturbate.

We all draw different conclusions from interpreting our sexual experiences. After thirty years in a relationship, Pam told me that she could not recall even one serious argument. She and her partner bickered endlessly about trivial matters but had never fallen out over anything serious (even though they had raised children together).

This experience is so different from my own, or that of other couples I have observed, that it is easy to react cynically. Perhaps Pam’s idea of bickering was my idea of a full-scale war. However, let’s be generous and allow that anything is possible, even the ‘perfect’ match. One explanation for this anomaly could be that the couple place few demands on each other.

Presumably, for a fortunate few, the erotic stories describing the overwhelming sexual arousal that fictional women have from vaginal penetration are a reality. For the rest of us these stories remain in the realm of fiction – frankly unachievable.

By Jane Thomas author of http://www.WaysWomenOrgasm.org and http://www.Nosper.com