Sexual arousal arises from an appreciation of eroticism

Much of what is known about female orgasm comes from women’s experience of masturbation. I found Shere Hite’s conclusions useful because they accorded with my own experience.
Shere Hite compared female masturbation with vaginal intercourse to explain why the lack of genital simulation (of the clitoris) would be likely to make it difficult for women to reach orgasm with a partner.
It did not explain why I have never been able to orgasm from clitoral stimulation with a partner, for example, purely from manual stimulation of the clitoris or through oral sex. Of course, the other characteristic of masturbation that is missing during sex is fantasy. That is unless a woman finds a way to incorporate sexual fantasies into her sex life.
It was some time before I came across the fact indicated by surveys that many women do use fantasy to orgasm during sex with a partner. Frankly I was amazed because this was something I had never really considered. The context of sex with a partner was inappropriate for my use of fantasy, which required a highly focused state of mind.
“Many times sexual fantasies are used to induce or enhance sexual arousal, and while fantasies are often combined with masturbation to provide a source of turn-on when a partner is not available, fantasies are also extremely common during sexual activity with someone else. For instance, one study of 212 married women found that sex fantasies help many women achieve sexual arousal and/or orgasm during sexual intercourse.” (p416 Human Sexuality (fifth edition) 1995)
Women use sexual fantasies both alone and with a partner
The realisation that some women do use fantasy during sex (and I was able to confirm this with a few of the woman I spoke to) allowed me to see a parallel with my experience of orgasm from masturbation. I realised that although I used clitoral stimulation during masturbation it only worked when combined with the use of sexual fantasies.
Sheila Kitzinger made the point that sex, especially sexual arousal, is primarily in the brain. I then realised that most accounts of sex focus heavily on PHYSICAL stimulation techniques and that PSYCHOLOGICAL arousal tends to be simply assumed or overlooked. I concluded that this is probably because psychological sexual arousal for men is usually a given.
My suggestion is that just as men need EROTIC IMAGES and stimulation of the PENIS for orgasm, women need EROTIC STORIES and stimulation of the CLITORIS for orgasm. This is my explanation of how I have reached that conclusion and how it fits with men’s experiences of sexual arousal and orgasm.
It makes sense that women will need to use fantasy more than men to reach orgasm during sex. Women have much lower levels of testosterone, the hormone that boosts sex drive. Also the naked male body does not cause women to become aroused enough for orgasm (otherwise women would buy porn as men do).
There is no logical reason why sexual fantasies should not be a part of our sex life (whether or not admitted to a partner). This conclusion helps explain why foreplay techniques may not be as effective as we would hope because, just as during female masturbation, women’s sexual arousal relies on sexual fantasies.

Making the most of sex play

Overall my partner and I have been lucky to have enjoyed exploring eroticism and sex play together. Sure we have had our ups and downs like anyone else.
There have also been many positive moments. When I am in a romantic mood, perhaps after a movie or after spending companionable time with my partner, it can be the most exhilarating experience to enjoy passionate kissing while having sex.
There are also times when I feel especially tuned into my sexual fantasies and I want to have adventurous sex with my partner. It is a real luxury to approach sex with a man totally without embarrassment so I can ask him to do whatever I want.
We have had some great weekends away. One time I set out to join Peter, travelling by train from London to an Oxfordshire village. I decided to get in the mood by reading one of my erotic novels. It was a turn-on to reading about sex while surrounded by strangers.
Peter was happy to oblige when we arrived at the hotel. Straight intercourse can be pleasurable when I am already aroused. We knew that we had the whole weekend ahead of us so it was great to approach sex more frivolously than normal.
Another time we flew out to Prague in winter and got cosy straightaway in the hotel room. Peter ran a bath while I lay on the bed reading an erotic story. After bathing with some fellatio thrown in, I lay on the bed still reading while Peter touched me up.
I keep reading until the sensations cause me to want to focus on my own sexual arousal.
Sharing eroticism and sensual massage
We have also had holidays (when the children were taken care of in activities) where we have retired to bed after lunch each day to have a couple of hours sleep and some sex. I would enjoy my partner giving me an erotic massage.
There was no goal of orgasm for me because I have never been able to orgasm from sex. I have enjoyed the sensations of having my clitoral area (up and over the hood of the clitoris) stroked. We would end with vaginal intercourse with my partner on top or beside me so he could continue stroking my clitoris while penetrating my vagina with his penis from behind.
We spent a number of summers sailing in Turkey. Peter liked me to go topless as we sailed along the coast for lunch at a beach restaurant. Holidays have always been a time for us to spend intimate time together.
We notice that other couples often go on holiday with friends: the men engage on activities while the women shop or read by the pool. We often wondered why other couples did not appear to make time for sex during their holiday.
“Some couples find it easy to talk and share together, to explore different ways of making love and discover what each wants. Women who describe this kind of relationship often comment on its quality as a whole, rather than just its sexual aspects.” (p121 Woman’s Experience of Sex)
Over more than twenty years of our relationship, we do not see other couples with an intimacy we envy. No dout there are other couples who have regular sex and enjoy talking together. But it’s rare. We are happy with what we have.
So when I am told that every couple out there is enjoying an idyllic sex life I have to wonder. Most middle-aged couples we come across are rarely even intimate with each other. Perhaps we live a quite life but swingers are, in any case, only on an ego trip.

How a woman can enjoy sex play

In the novelty of a new sexual relationship, I have explored a variety of sexual activities with a partner. So, in addition to vaginal intercourse missionary style, in the early days we tried oral sex, clitoral stimulation and different positions for intercourse.
I enjoyed the role of the prostitute, giving pleasure to my man, but I never experienced the sexual arousal required for orgasm. The sensations from oral sex were too vague and my clitoris was too sensitive for my partner to be able to stimulate me manually.
For many years, our sex life settled into the usual marital rut of nothing more than vaginal intercourse to male orgasm. It was the easiest way to provide my partner with some sexual relief and involved me in minimal sexual effort.
Once we had children, we would occasionally get away for weekends. These opportunities, plus holidays (with childcare) where we had more time for sex, meant that my partner could spend time masturbating me (from behind) before having intercourse.
I took the contraceptive pill from the age of eighteen until my partner had a vasectomy after the birth of our third child. Around this time, approximately aged 35, I found that vaginal intercourse became much more comfortable and sensual.
I’ll never know whether this effect was age related or the result of coming off the pill. I found that from time to time my body felt more sensual and aroused. As a young woman I was never aware of any sense of physical arousal. Later my mind has become more tuned into eroticism and I can feel my genital area throbbing with excitement.
So every few weeks I become positively engaged on the idea of sexual activity. I wish it were more often but there it is. I guess we just have to be grateful for what we have. I get a lot more out of sex when I am in this state of being psychologically aroused.
Naughtier than vaginal intercourse
When I am feeling aroused, I look forward to sex sessions with my partner. Sometimes we watch a porn movie in the living room. We put a waterproof sheet and large towel over the ottoman. I kneel down and bend over the ottoman.
My partner sits behind with a good view up between my legs from behind. He has control of the baby oil and lube. While we are watching the movie he penetrates me from behind with fingers and penis. I fast forward to the bits of the movie that I like.
Other times we have sex on the bed. As always, we use a waterproof sheet, large towel and lots of lube. We make sure the lights are low so that I can focus fully on the sensations of my partner stimulating me.
We keep a bag of sex toys. Sometimes my partner uses a dildo vibrator to penetrate my vagina while his penis penetrates my anus. Other times he uses a butt plug in my anus while he penetrates my vagina. Always he stimulates my clitoris from behind.
The modern male lover needs to be a bit of an octopus to do all of this simultaneously but never mind… Depending on my levels of arousal, I feel different sensations from sex with a partner. Basically, the more turned on I am the better the feelings.
Vaginal fisting where my partner penetrates my vagina with all the fingers of one hand, sometimes the whole hand, can give me amazing feelings. When his fingers thrust gently backwards and forwards, I am overwhelmed with waves of physical arousal.
Anal sex, usually starting with finger penetration, but usually ending with penile penetration has always been arousing for me. Sometimes we start a sex session with a shower and my partner gives me an enema.
It’s vital to take things slowly and start only with finger penetration. If a woman ends up sore from anal sex, then she will need time to heal up physically but she will also have negative connotations that will put her off trying again.
This is the difficult part for a man. You need to be ready to slow down and even to stop anal sex if the woman is not enjoying it. The woman needs to accept that it is counterproductive to be the martyr here. Keep it fun and arousing!

Women who want to enjoy sexual pleasure

When I was growing up there was never any embarrassment over nudity at home. As divorcees, my parents naturally enjoyed sexual relationships with various partners from time to time.
So I have never seen any reason why I should not enjoy the same easy sexual arousal and orgasm apparently promised by erotic fiction. Especially since I have been lucky enough to have:
enthusiasm for erotic literature, sexual fantasy and masturbation;
a sexually attractive body (pretty with a good figure); and
a close relationship with my partner and an adventurous sex life.
I was naturally curious about eroticism because I recognised that sex was a natural part of adult relationships. I saw sex as an adventure to some extent and read avidly about the exploits of prostitutes and call-girls in an attempt to understand how to be a ‘good lover’.
Being a ‘good lover’ appeared to involve being relaxed about nudity, physical sex play and sexually explicit activities. I understood that an ‘uninhibited’ woman would naturally be able to respond to being pleasured in a similar way by a man.
Sex for love or for money?
No one likes to admit it but men often pay for sex (whether by supporting family or paying for dates). Nevertheless, we can differentiate between: (1) sex for pleasure (where men pay directly for sex) and (2) sex for intimacy (within a relationship).
The proposal of the sexual revolution was that the line between these two would become blurred. The suggestion was that in a more liberated world, men and women could hope to share sexual pleasure when they enter into intimate sexual relationships.
Decades after the sexual revolution, to what degree do men find that relationship sex matches their expecations of sex for pleasure? So, for example, men talk of wanting the women in their lives to ‘act like a whore’ in the bedroom. The hitch is that prostitutes are paid for their efforts.
Equally to what degree can a woman hope that relationship sex will match the expectations set by ’sex for pleasure’? The fact is that prostitutes are, after all, not engaging in sex for their own sexual pleasure. In other words, it’s all an act.
I came to realise that the eroticism and sex play that many men hope for is often based on situations where women are being compensated for offering sex. Nevertheless, I have always been determined to make the most of my sexual experiences with a partner. I find it too humiliating (and insulting to my partner) to ‘put up with’ sex, ‘lie back and think of England’ or fake orgasm.
Even though from the very first time, I realised that sex was for the enjoyment of the men in my life, I have been willing to invest in pleasuring them because I cared about them. Their obvious sexual frustration meant that unless I had a good reason, I accepted going along with their desire for sex.
Over time this enthusiasm inevitably has its ups and downs but nevertheless I have been willing to invest effort over decades in exploring ways in which my partner might be able to return the favour. We would like to share some of these ideas with other couples, in case they can be of any help.
WWO is for perfectly normal women who have a good relationship with their partner and no obvious hang-ups about sex. Sometimes the woman knows that something is missing from sex. Other times the man suspects that his partner is faking or hopes that she would be more enthusiastic about sex if he could provide her with the orgasms that he enjoys so easily.
In some cases, the man is much more driven by sex than the woman. In other cases the couple are keen to find new ways of making sex even better over the longer-term. WWO is FOREMOST for couples who have explore a variety of sex play together in a spirit of exploration and adventure and who are open to new ideas.

Women have a lower sex drive

Men’s sexual arousal is usually easy whereas women’s sexual arousal and orgasm is not automatic so unsurprisingly we all tend to find it easier to focus on male sexual arousal during sex.
A man’s orgasm is critical to reproduction and so it makes sense that men are motivated by eroticism and able to reach orgasm easily.
Female orgasm, on the other hand, is not required for a woman to conceive. As much as we might hope for women who can orgasm as easily as men even the wonders of modern contraception cannot change women’s sexuality from what Nature intended it to be.
“ …men and women are manifestly not the same. And nor are their responses to one another.” (p6 Bluffer’s Guide to Men 1998)
If a couple has some understanding of the different rewards that men and women obtain from sex, they can make sure that there is a balance of giving and receiving in their sex life. If we understand how our partner’s responses differ to our own, the modern couple can aspire to ‘quality’ sex within the context of a positive and mutually supportive relationship.
Male sexual arousal is much more automatic
Unlike boys, girls do not experience spontaneous sexual arousal and so they have no similar natural motivation to investigate how their genitals might respond to stimulation. A girl has to be willing to explore eroticism and consciously develop her fantasies in order to discover how her sexual arousal works.
So while most young men are quite naturally motivated to explore their own sexual arousal and to reach orgasm through an appreciation of eroticism and genital stimulation, most young women are, just as naturally, more focused on exploring their emotions and relationships with others. As a consequence, men and women approach sex from very different perspectives.
“…many boys, and nearly all girls, are taught that masturbation is evil, … This is nonsense, of course; masturbation has several very positive values, especially for women.… In childhood and adolescence it teaches a girl to explore her body and not to be ashamed of its shape, its texture, and its surfaces. It teaches her, especially, not to be ashamed of touching and playing with her genitals. It does more. It helps a girl become aware of her response to sexual stimuli and to recognize the stages of sexual arousal. And it enables a girl to develop her own sexuality – to know what she enjoys and what she dislikes – which is important if she is to be fulfilled sexually later.” (p107 EveryMan 1980)
The fact that women masturbate much less frequently (if at all) than men is rarely acknowledged. Even when it is, women are reluctant to accept that this fact indicates that men have a higher sex drive. One woman I spoke to had only learned how to orgasm through masturbation at the age of 26 and at the age of 30 had still not been able to orgasm during sex with a partner.
Despite the contrast with male sexuality, where boys learn to masturbate in their pre-teens and where men orgasm easily (most of the time) with a partner, she could not accept that men’s sex drive might be stronger. Even once they have discovered how to reach orgasm, women have to work much harder at generating sexual arousal.
Relatively few women are familiar with their own sexual arousal and even fewer learn how to apply their orgasm techniques to sex with a partner. A woman who has never masturbated herself to orgasm cannot possibly know for sure that she experiences orgasm during sex because she has no way of knowing what orgasm is.
This probably also explains multiple orgasms. Unless a woman knows what orgasm feels like (from masturbation) she can easily confuse sensations of sexual arousal (or thrills of muscle spasms) with orgasm. My body’s reaction after orgasm is similar to a man’s. I feel completely relaxed and I do not have the ability to arouse myself immediately due to clitoral sensitivity.

Young & sexy

young woman complained about the male attention she got every time she left the hostel on 42nd Street in Manhattan, dressed in her high heels and low cleavage. Yes, well… It is relatively easy for a woman to attract a man’s attention by enhancing her looks.
It is more difficult for her to cash in on the advantage by enjoying orgasm with a partner. Women do not experience the spontaneous arousal that men do and so women do not have the same need for orgasm. A woman is rarely seeking sex in the sense that a man does.
All this is very confusing for men. They see a woman who has apparently gone to great deal of effort to attract their attention. Naturally a man assumes that she must be interested in sex. Looking at this issue from the other side, since men never put on make-up or dress provocatively we might conclude they are not interested in sex.
Of course this does not follow. The sexes have different but complementary roles. The woman’s role is to attract a man’s attention. The man’s role is to take the initiative in making an advance towards a woman he finds attractive. So women’s bodies are a sexual commodity in a way that men’s rarely are.
Men want control in sexual situations because ultimately it is their sexual performance that is key to any sexual relationship and, of course, to reproduction. So men have the initial choice of selecting a woman they find attractive but women have the choice to accept or decline their offer. These behaviours are fundamental to our dating and mating rituals.
Rich men tend to marry women who are attractive rather those who succeed alongside men in the academic or commercial world. So, in our heterosexual society, even women tend to judge other women by their looks rather than their achievements.
Women have lower sexual desire
One year at college I lived with six other female students. Two of them were always entertaining young men in their rooms. The rest of us assumed that they must have been having sex with at least some of the stream of men who came through our flat. My conclusion was not that they achieved sexual satisfaction with these men but that they enjoyed being so popular.
Most women need a stable relationship in which there is a high degree of trust and good communication in order to experience good sex. One-night stands can only be fuelling a woman’s ego and satisfying her vanity. Ironically, young women often lack confidence and being promiscuous is an easy way to be popular, with men at least.
Women’s difficulties with sexual arousal and orgasm are often blamed on low libido but women naturally have a lower sex drive than men as evidenced by:
our enthusiasm for eroticism, either visual pornography or erotic stories;
our willingness to indulge in sexual fantasies;
the pleasure we obtain from admiring the sexual attributes of the opposite sex;
how frequently we masturbate; and
our motivation to initiate sex with a partner.
So, for example, when I have offered my partners oral sex (fellatio) they almost swoon with pleasure and yet I rarely find oral sex (cunnilingus) arousing enough for orgasm. Even women who orgasm from cunnilingus need the circumstances to be just right and I suspect that few women would be willing to pay for the pleasure as men do.
The oldest profession (prostitution) says it all: a relatively few women provide sex for many more men. Of course the women are shamed for making money out of men’s need. Yet men often compensate women financially for sex – not an indication of equal pleasure. Even in our supposedly liberated times over 90% of the Internet provides some form of sex for men.
Inevitably there must be some women who are sexually insatiable and some men who are unmoved by sex but these individuals do not represent the ‘norm’. Most women never talk about lost sexual opportunities. They talk about commitment and trust. This enormous gap between the sexes means that most women remain terribly naïve about men’s sex drive.

Enjoying sexual pleasure

When it was suggested recently that schools in the UK should explain the role of the clitoris to very young children, mothers were up in arms. The information that caused offence was the fact that a girl might find it pleasurable later in her life to touch her clitoris.
There was no similar uproar over boys’ sexual anatomy. Were the boys also told that their willies might give them pleasure later on? Of course, boys discover their sexuality ‘naturally’ and many people believe that girls should be left to ‘naturally’ not discover their’s.
One mother believed that her five-year-old should be left alone in childish innocence to spend her time ‘pushing her dolly around in a stroller’. One has to wonder whether children as young as five would be very interested in this information even if they could comprehend what they were being told. But what about that dolly in the stroller?
To have a real baby a man’s orgasm (ejaculation in particular) is essential. We may accept men as sexual beings but not every woman thinks that an explicitly sexual phenomenon such as orgasm is either relevant or appropriate for women. The fact is that a woman’s orgasm is not required for her to become pregnant and so only describes a relatively small part of female sexuality.
“Intercourse is necessary for reproduction, and sexual pleasure and orgasm are involved with reproduction. But exactly how? Looking closer, one sees that only male orgasm during intercourse is necessary for reproduction.” (p37 The Hite Reports 1993)
Many women relate to their role as a mother (the reproductive aspects of female sexuality) but are less comfortable with the idea that women can enjoy sexual pleasure through their own sexual arousal and orgasm. Since the concept of female sexuality (in the orgasmic sense as opposed to just having babies) is alien to them, many women would never even necessarily choose to discover orgasm.
A fascinating collection of letters by two literary men, who correspond with each other between 1955 and 1962, provides some enlightenment. Rupert Hart-Davies explains his extra-marital affair, which came about after his wife lost interest in sex: “She is one of the (I suspect) many women whose sex instincts are in fact wholly directed to the production of children, and when their quiver is full they want no more (as they say in the courts) intercourse.”(p150 ‘The Lyttelton Hart-Davies Letters’ 2001)
Women have to learn to appreciate eroticism
Girls need information and encouragement if they are to experience what boys learn more spontaneously. If girls explore sexual activities other than intercourse, not only might they discover orgasm but also ways of enjoying sex with a partner with a lower risk of pregnancy (oral sex, for example).
Many people believe in sheltering young women from eroticism and yet an appreciation of eroticism is fundamental to women understanding their relationships with men. After all, sex is the glue that motivates a man to support a family.
“The person who said that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach was aiming too high” (p98 Why men don’t listen 1999)
Women may be able to simply ‘put up with sex’ in the short-term but over the longer-term, a man hopes for a woman who is positively engaged on enjoying the intimate time they spend together. A woman, who is familiar with orgasm, is more likely to relate to men’s enjoyment of sex and, therefore, more likely to be willing to invest in sex.
If both partners are co-operating with each other, we can now support each other’s life goals of both family and an active sex life.

Some women never tune into eroticism

Angela, a woman in her early twenties, was having relationship problems with her boyfriend of six months. She was upset that he enjoyed looking at other women. She got him to agree to stop buying pornographic magazines, which she found demeaning.
”Porn to men is not a big deal. They honestly can’t see how watching a sexy film can be any sort of reflection on their love for their girlfriend. Most don’t understand why she takes offence because, as far as they’re concerned, every guy does it. They’re right. Research shows the infrequent porn user is your average guy – 90 per cent of them. He’s not a deviant, he just likes looking at sexy pictures. It’s got a lot to do with what turns each sex on. Usually, men are turned on more by pictures and visual images, women are turned on more by words. Now, that’s a massive generalisation, but true in a lot of cases.” (p235 Hot Relationships 1999)
She believed that if he loved her, he would only want to look at her body. Angela was also disgusted by the idea that men can enjoy eroticism outside a loving relationship. I was surprised by her reaction because it has never occurred to me to place limits on my partner’s enjoyment of eroticism. Equally, I cannot imagine limiting my own thoughts at his request. Angela, still very much in love, was confident that she experienced orgasm with her partner but told me that she did not use fantasy.
Emotional orgasms
Angela was sure that the arousal she gained, although driven through her emotional psychology, resulted in real female orgasms. Even the first time and every time afterwards, intercourse was orgasmic for her. Angela thought that her sexual arousal stemmed from the idea that her partner found her sexually attractive. She said that she could not orgasm from the missionary position and that she needed to be ‘on top’. Who knows? Some sources suggest that women who orgasm during intercourse have a more prominent clitoris or, perhaps, it is simply that their sexual fantasies (or expectations?) map more easily onto reality.
I asked Angela how she knew that she was not having ‘emotional orgasms’ (peaks of sexual arousal). Angela was confident of her interpretation of her experiences. Growing up reading Cosmopolitan magazine, she called herself a ‘Cosmo Girl’ who was well informed about female masturbation and orgasm. Of course, just because a woman has read about other women’s experience of orgasm this does not necessarily mean that she knows how to achieve the same for herself.
Angela had disliked eroticism ever since puberty when her father, brother and their friends made her feel degraded by their lewd sexual remarks. It’s a shame that some women are so sensitive to men’s sexual remarks, which are more often than not intended as a compliment. The problem arises because many women associate eroticism with being considered ‘dirty’.
A young American woman, who had only twenty four hours in Rome, felt so threatened by the young men of Rome that she vowed to spend her whole trip in the women’s hostel. Admittedly, Italian men are the most voluble and persistent of any nation that I have been to! I have always accepted male heckling with a smile and interpreted any sexual innuendo as a compliment.

Not every woman is attracted to eroticism

Most girls probably read romantic stories but not everyone is comfortable with the more explicitly sexual nature of erotic stories, which help a woman develop the sexual fantasies that lead to orgasm. Our sexual fantasies represent the aspects of sex that we find most arousing and hence most taboo.
“Although every child learns that pretending is an important type of play, sexual fantasies after childhood are usually not thought of as playful. This attitude may exist because sex is usually regarded as a serious matter, even in the imagination. Furthermore, some religious traditions regard a thought as equivalent to an act; thus, a person who has ‘immoral’ sexual daydreams or desires is as sinful as a person who acts on those impulses.” (p413 Human Sexuality (fifth edition) 1995)
Women have more conscious choice over their sexual arousal
Men might feel embarrassed (or they might not!) as they head off to buy their pornographic magazines. Their regular need to release sexual frustration through orgasm is such that men do not have the luxury of deciding to be ‘pure’. Women’s sexual arousal and orgasm is not automatic as a man’s tends to be and so women have to learn how to orgasm.
Women are not attracted to eroticism as easily as men on average (in fact the majority of women find almost any form of eroticism objectionable). Equally a woman has much more conscious control over the extent to which she allows herself to indulge in the erotic thoughts that might lead to enjoying orgasm. Since female masturbation is relatively uncommon many women never discover orgasm and do not necessarily even have hopes for enjoying sexual pleasure with a lover.
“ … fantasy and sexual desire often merge together. People with low levels of sexual desire typically have few sexual fantasies…” (p415 Human Sexuality (fifth edition) 1995)
A good-looking and successful guy in his mid-forties, was very popular with the ladies. Ironically, he was always hoping for a long-term partner but so far had only managed serial relationships (some lasting months and some years). He told me that not one of the women he had been with over the years had been open to the idea of watching porn movies.
Many women never discover orgasm through masturbation and hence never know what they are missing. Having enjoyed orgasm throughout my adult life, it is definitely an experience I would not want to have missed but I can quite see why many women are happy to do without.
“For most women orgasm does not have this central role in life. And if it does, it tends to be for a small part of their lives, and often to melt into the background against other significant experiences and other expressions of their sexuality.” (p80 Woman’s Experience of Sex 1983)

Sheltering young women from eroticism

Reading the word ‘sexy’, a boy of nine screwed up his face in a gesture of disgust and said “Yuck!”. I asked him why and he replied, “Because my parents told me it’s disgusting”. Presumably these parents are trying to warn their son away from the temptations of sexual pleasure with its associated immoral behaviour.
For women, there has always been acceptance of sex within the context of family but disapproval of sex for pleasure. In fact where a woman’s only sexual experiences are of intercourse, she is unlikely to ever discover her own sexual arousal.
Since women’s sexual arousal and orgasm is not automatic many women have no experience of enjoying their own sexual arousal and orgasm (either through masturbation or through exploring sex with a partner). Women’s sexual arousal relies on sexual fantasies and so without an appreciation of eroticism many women have no expectation for enjoying their own sexual pleasure.
“Women often feel they have no right to sexual experience apart from that which a man provides.” (p62 Woman’s Experience of Sex 1983)
Many women are disgusted by pornography because it appears to display women’s bodies like a meat market for male gratification. Women who appreciate being able to arouse a lover learn that male turn-ons simply work differently. A woman who learns how to orgasm, also knows the humility of accepting that the adult world cannot always be squeaky clean. Many other women (with fewer sexual instincts) can only justify sex as part of a loving relationship.
Disapproval of sexual promiscuity
Many people believe that women are always exploited through sex because men stand to gain so much more pleasure. Melanie Phillips (Daily Mail – 24th February 2003) complains about those who want to provide young people (girls of fifteen) with the facts about adult heterosexual practices (including oral sex and anal sex).
Melanie fears (as do many others) that knowledge about enjoying sexual pleasure will damage the teenagers’ emotional development and suggests that “genital gratification separated from a permanent loving commitment is a form of degradation.” She also believes that “spiritual and emotional meaning distinguishes human sexual activity from animal behaviour”.
There is no reason why honest information about sex should encourage sexual promiscuity in girls. Neither is it likely that knowing how couples enjoy sex in long-term sexual relationships will interfere with any loving relationship a woman might hope for – in fact quite the reverse. There is a double standard because no one worries that knowledge of sexual pleasure will do boys any harm.
The view that women’s experience of sex should be restricted to marriage almost denies the fact that a woman might be capable of appreciating her sexual experiences for their own sake. The fact is that some women do explore sexual pleasure. At its best, sex can be an innocent pleasure for any couple to enjoy whether they are married or not. If a woman finds a man she likes and respects, then the sex is sure to be even better.

How to get laid (if you're a man!)

Men should take comfort from the facts of female sexuality. It is difficult for most women to orgasm from intercourse alone and yet amazingly few women ask about lack of orgasm. In addition to the obvious personal embarrassment, likely explanations include:
Not every woman is even interested in orgasm, either by masturbation or from a sexual relationship.
Relatively few women masturbate and so many women never know what an orgasm is.
Some women assume that they orgasm during sex when, in fact, they don’t.
Others accept that sex involves pleasing their man rather than looking for their own pleasure.
The irony is that women who ask about lack of orgasm have the confidence to question because they have explored their sexuality more than most women, both alone and with a partner. Regardless of her sexual expectations, any woman will offer her partner sex when she feels good about the relationship and loving towards her partner.
After spending a romantic (affectionate and companionable) evening together, sharing emotional intimacy, or even after an emotional movie, a woman can feel amenable to having sex.
However, these stimuli are very different to those she needs to reach orgasm (sexual fantasies involve explicit eroticism). Unfortunately, Mother Nature has no need to care about female orgasm. As long as a woman is amenable to having sex, the job is done!
Emotional intimacy
The film ‘Overboard’ stars Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell, her real-life partner. Goldie plays a spoilt rich young wife who loses her memory and, purely out of revenge, Kurt playing a lowly carpenter pretends that she is married to him, with his four children.
Sexual relationships favour male orgasm and it is clear that he would have little problem having sex with this woman he hardly knows and even dislikes. It is equally clear that she would consider it out of the question to have sex with a man she cannot remember knowing. In order to be amenable to sex, a woman needs to find a man sexually attractive and women take longer than men to decide on this point.
“Men are most comfortable expressing love through sex, through shared activities, through being a good provider, and through just being together…” (p77 Why Men don’t get enough Sex and Women don’t get enough Love 1994)
Later in the story, they get to know each other and one evening, pretending that it is her birthday, they go out on a date. After dancing, they talk and gaze at the evening sky while romantic music plays. They kiss and, on returning home, ‘make love’ for the first time.
“98 percent of the women… said they would like more verbal closeness with the men they love; they want the men in their lives to talk more about their own personal thoughts, feelings, plans and questions, and to ask them about theirs.” (p27 Women & Love 1987)
The woman now feels affection for the man and finds him physically attractive. Of course, he always was attractive but he suddenly appeals because she respects him and cares about him. Perhaps it is as self evident to women that relationships are about companionship as it is to men that they are about physical intimacy. In fact, both are part of a long-term relationship.
“Men want friends to play with, … whereas women want friends to talk to. ” (p24 Bluffer’s guide to Women)

Women's sexual arousal

Published in 1972, ‘Joy of Sex’ by Alex Comfort MD was revolutionary at the time because it suggested a new openness and a sense of fun in modern sexual relationships. Liberal-minded couples welcomed the idea that it could now be considered normal and ‘uninhibited’ to enjoy sex as a natural part of an adult relationship.
Drawings, as opposed to photographs, portrayed the physical intimacy between two lovers sensitively and attractively. This tasteful presentation of a couple’s sex life avoided any potential concerns that the book might be pornographic in nature, making it attractive to couples and to women in particular.
In fact, Alex Comfort never ran a sex therapy practice and so he was not presenting a heavily researched view of sex. He was offering suggestions, based on his own sex life (with his much younger mistress – not his wife), for how other couples might bring some variety to sex. ‘Joy of Sex’ documents a man’s appreciation of eroticism and the activities that he found pleasurable.
The book is not explicit about the woman’s arousal and my mistake was to assume that the relationship illustrated was based on equality between the sexes. As a woman approaching sex with an expectation for orgasm, I assumed that a woman would only participate in a modern sexual relationship on the basis that she obtained the same sexual pleasure as the man.
A woman can have sex for years without ever experiencing sexual arousal or orgasm. This explains why the average age to come out is 17 years old for gay men but 40 years old for gay women. Of course, a woman’s sexual fantasies might cause her to suspect she is lesbian earlier than this. But lesbian women marry and have children just as successfully as heterosexual women because female orgasm is not required for her either to participate in a sexual relationship or for reproduction.
Sexual relationships are not based on equal sexual pleasure
In general sex manuals can be misleading because they tend to describe the physical activities of intercourse, or masturbation for that matter, without simultaneously discussing what is happening in the person’s head. The implication is that the physical sensations of sex fully occupy the woman’s mind throughout and create by themselves the level of sexual arousal required to experience orgasm. In other words, the assumption is that women respond sexually just as men do.
The fact that women take much longer to become aroused may be acknowledged but it is rarely explained why this should be or what the consequences might be for a sexual relationship. Usually any difficulties with the woman’s orgasm are overlooked or dismissed as insignificant.
“Frigidity – This does not mean failure to enjoy sex when one is dead with fatigue… Nor does it mean failure to get a mind-blowing orgasm on every single occasion. If it does mean these things, every woman is frigid. …” (p198 Joy of Sex 1972)
Perhaps all that is missing from ‘Joy of Sex’ is simply an acknowledgement of how much more difficult it is for a woman to apply her sexual fantasies to sex with a partner. Ironically, although it may suit men to have the visual benefits of covers off and lights on, women may be the opposite. I close my eyes during masturbation to focus on fantasy and during sex I also prefer subdued lighting to blot out the everyday world so that I can fully absorb myself in enjoying my physical arousal.

Understanding female sexuality

One of misconceptions of the sexual revolution was the proposal that, for men and women to be equal, they had to be the same. But testosterone is the sex hormone and it’s no surprise that men’s bodies are full of it.
Attributes traditionally considered feminine (e.g. being passive or accommodating) were thought to be signs of weakness or inferiority. Whereas traditionally masculine attributes (e.g. being assertive or dominant) were thought to be signs of strength or superiority.
This is a very natural male view of the world but many young and independent women also identified with the masculine perspective. So it was implied that all women, whatever their aspirations or experience, should aspire to these more masculine characteristics and goals.
Sex is fundamentally about male sex drive. A man’s erect penis is the symbol of this hormonal drive to thrust until ejaculation. If women have a reproductive drive at all then it is an emotional drive to raise their children. They certainly do not have the same biological drive to reach orgasm that men experience.
Women’s sexual fantasies often include an element of domination. It is fashionable to interpret such negative images as indicative of guilt or inhibition. I see it differently. When a sexual partner takes control we have the pleasure of feeling that we are the object of their desire. Many men would not object if their woman took a more assertive role by indicating her sexual desires.
Initially, a young man is so driven by his own need to bring his state of sexual arousal to orgasm that he has little bandwidth for concerns about his partner’s arousal. More experienced men come to appreciate that having an engaged sexual partner who is able to enjoy her own sexual fantasies and sexual arousal can be the most arousing aspect of sex over the longer term.
I have questioned how other women can experience spontaneous sexual arousal because I have been sexually adventurous. The truth is that men often assume that their partner experiences orgasm: either they rely on their partner’s say-so or they assume that women’s minds and bodies respond to sexual stimuli much as men’s do.
My appreciation of eroticism has encouraged me to explore my own sexual arousal both alone and with a partner. Women who object to eroticism often comment that sex scenes potentially violate women or defile their bodies. Such women must have very different reactions to a woman who is more at ease with eroticism. There is no judgment here simply a desire to differentiate.

Women who enjoy their own sexual arousal

Perhaps it would be simpler if I explained that I am targeting women who masturbate regularly in order to enjoy their own sexual arousal and orgasm.
Other women can be totally convinced that sexual arousal is easy and I am very happy for them. But if you do not masturbate then you cannot usefully comment on the experiences of women who do. This is simply a fact. You may think that you are talking about the same experiences but you cannot be.
Imagine that, as a man, you are comparing notes with another man who has never masturbated to orgasm. Presumably he has never had the urge to masturbate or perhaps he simply lacked the curiosity to explore his own sexual arousal.
Anyway, the first time you have sex you are devastated when ‘the real thing’ turns out to be totally un-arousing. Then you learn that experts concluded decades ago that vaginal intercourse does not provide the PHYSICAL stimulation that a person of your gender needs for orgasm. This makes orgasm highly unlikely even if a person knows that they need to compensate for the lack of genital stimulation.
There you are, with years of experience of your own sexual arousal through masturbation, knowing that you have never experienced the same kind of orgasm with a partner. This same man assures you that orgasm during sex was always easy for him: the first time and every time. He confidently informs you that orgasm is simply a matter of finding a loving partner who knows how to give you an orgasm.
Much later, you also come to appreciate that without the ability to get yourself aroused in your mind during sex as you do during masturbation (imagine here that instead of using erotic IMAGES you use erotic SCENARIOS), there is no means of generating the PSYCHOLOGICAL arousal that makes genital stimulation effective.
So how does this other man generate the sexual arousal that he has never been motivated to enjoy by himself? Especially when he appears to be oblivious to the need for psychological or physical stimulation techniques to compensate for the known facts of his anatomy and psychology for your sex. How can it be that everything works for him WITHOUT HIM EVEN TRYING?
The answer is that it doesn’t because he has never aspired to the same experience in the first place.
In any case, if a woman believes that she is talking about the same heights of orgasm that men experience, then why would she not masturbate? Men certainly do, on a regular basis whether they have a partner or not. So why would a woman not want to enjoy orgasm in the same way? Why all this moral self-restraint?
The problem with sex advice today is that it’s quite possible for a woman who has never masturbated to be advising a woman who is familiar with orgasm from female masturbation. This is wrong because you cannot advise someone unless you have at least as much experience as they have.
Women who know how to achieve their own sexual arousal have an unusually high (for women) appreciation of eroticism and so they understand that orgasm involves a release of sexual feelings not loving feelings. Consequently, true sexual arousal relies on a person’s ability to appreciate eroticism (images for men; scenarios for women).
My aim is to reassure those women who have explored their sexuality both alone and with a partner enough to know that orgasm during sex is not easy. I am interested in whether other women, who are familiar with orgasm from female masturbation, are able to achieve something similar during sex with a partner.
It does not matter if other people believe that women can experience orgasm without learning about their own sexual arousal through masturbation as men do. Neither does it matter that women claim to experience the same spontaneous arousal as men even though the female body and mind do not respond as men’s do. I am not trying to convince everyone.
If people want to learn from the experiences of others, that is their choice. If not, I am not in the least offended.

Eroticism

Men and women live in different worlds when it comes to attitudes to eroticism. I suggested that most women today must know how to pleasure a man but a British sex expert (male) disagreed, “They haven’t a clue, and even if they knew, most wouldn’t do it.”
A joke illustrates the point: “What is the difference between a job and a wife?” Answer “After ten years a job still sucks!”.
Unfortunately many people still believe in sheltering young women from eroticism and so girls are told the basic reproductive facts but nothing of sexual pleasure. We are confident about telling girls about sexual intercourse because it is the means of producing children. It also happens to be one of the easiest ways for a woman to provide a man with sexual release. Putting it crudely, masturbation by hand or mouth not only involves more work but is also more explicitly sexual.
Young women often don’t know how to orgasm and so they have little appreciation of their own sexual pleasure. This explains why women are often easily shocked by sex (in the context of sex play rather than trying for a baby) because they are not necessarily hoping for sexual release (orgasm) from sex. Men definitely are; and so eroticism and sex play, including activities other than intercourse, are more important to men.
A man’s arousal and orgasm are pretty much a given during sex. But a woman can take part in sexual activity without ever becoming aroused or reaching orgasm. So even women who have sex for years do not necessarily know how to orgasm. In order to qualify as ’sexually experienced’, it is quality (breadth of experience) not quantity (years or partners) that counts.
As a minimum, a sexually experienced woman should (1) be able to masturbate to orgasm alone, (2) have explored clitoral stimulation with a partner via mutual masturbation and oral sex and (3) have attempted a variety of positions for sexual intercourse. In order to discover how her arousal works, a woman needs to be positive enough about eroticism to be willing to explore her sexual fantasies. Unfortunately, the average woman (and this includes many ’sex experts’) lacks this experience.
Even in 2009, a major UK bookseller told me they remove the women’s erotic fiction before a head office audit. Presumably stories such as those in the ‘Black Lace’ range offend someone and yet for me they are so mildly erotic that I can rarely use them for orgasm. The same store happily sells pornographic magazines for men but women are supposed to be content with Mills & Boon romantic novels. I go to London for erotic literature with any bite (e.g. book stores along the Charing Cross Road).
Women do not get the same sexual pleasure
It is difficult for women to understand the strength of a man’s passion for sexual pleasure since we have no direct parallel. The film ‘Indecent Proposal’ might be a little far-fetched… nevertheless we are happy to believe that a man would pay as much as one million dollars just to have sex with an attractive woman.
Men experience a purely physical reaction to seeing a woman’s body that has nothing to do with personal relationships. So, men engage lap dancers, visit go-go bars and watch topless reviews because they enjoy the sensations of sexual arousal that come from the physical proximity of a semi-naked woman.
Conversely, women do not tend to pay even for this relatively mild physical gratification because the female mind and body simply do not respond as a man’s mind and body do. Women’s sexual arousal and orgasm is not automatic and so women have to learn about their sexual arousal. Women certainly do experience lust (or the desire to get laid) but it is worth noting that women often need to be enticed into sex whereas men rarely need any encouragement.
“ – men wish that women’s sexuality was like theirs, which it isn’t. Male sexual response is far brisker and more automatic: it is triggered easily by things, like putting a quarter in a vending machine. Consequently, at a certain level and for all men, girls and parts of girls are, at this stimulus level unpeople. That isn’t incompatible with their being people too. Your clothes, breasts, odour, etc. aren’t what he loves instead of you – simply the things he needs in order to set sex in motion to express love. Women seem to find this hard to understand.” (p34 The Joy of Sex – 1972)

Why an appreciation of eroticism is important

Our ability to become sexually aroused through an appreciation of eroticism is a normal as well as a necessary part of human sexuality. Sex (male arousal and orgasm in particular) leads to family and yet hypocritically, while family is encouraged, sex remains taboo.
Men learn about orgasm through masturbation. As young boys (pre-teens) they explore their arousal because an erect penis is difficult to ignore. Women do not experience spontaneous sexual arousal through erections and so they have no similar reason to explore how their genitals might react to stimulation through female masturbation.
Many women like to think of sex in terms of ‘making love’ to someone they love. So they are often shocked by eroticism but this shows a lack of understanding about the nature of sexual pleasure. After all, our enjoyment of eroticism is at the heart of our sexuality.
Women are often blissfully unaware that men masturbate regularly throughout their lives. Men cover up the strength of their sexual urges because women can sometimes be insensitive about men’s passion for sex. The daily sales of pornographic magazines are a clue. Of course, men have a higher sex drive but also they enjoy their own sexual arousal and orgasm.
Women, who masturbate, enjoy their own sexual arousal and orgasm in much the same way. They use sexual fantasies (based on their appreciation of eroticism) to bring their sexual arousal to orgasm through genital stimulation (of the clitoris).
Women who have never masturbated do not understand this. The vast majority of women are disgusted by eroticism. They never discover their own sexual arousal so they cannot understand why anyone would ever want to stimulate their genitals.
Many of these women suggest that orgasm happens naturally during sex without making any conscious efforts to engage on their own sexual arousal either mental or physical. This defies common sense and yet no one questions these assertions.
“Unlike a boy’s very obvious penis, which he knows is pleasurable to touch and fondle, a girl’s genitals are hidden, mysterious, remote. I find it remarkable (and disturbing) that many women have never used a mirror to see what their genitals look like and to find out where their clitoris is.” (p106 EveryMan 1980)
If men learn about how their sexual arousal works through masturbation, how does it make sense that women experience orgasm as men do but without any learning process at all? Everyone thinks it is so natural that all men masturbate but that female masturbation has no similar role for women.
Women who do not masturbate for pleasure will assure me that they have an idyllic sexual relationship with their partner. I think that’s great but I often wonder what the men think. Men do not see sex purely in terms of family or ‘making love’. Men also want to enjoy sexual pleasure with a partner.
I have never found any pornography I have seen (magazines or film) offensive. I focus on the men rather that the women but I never think that the women’s bodies are ‘dirty’ or that sex makes the women ‘bad’ in some way. So I have always enjoyed exploring eroticism both alone and with a partner.
If the average woman was more tuned into eroticism and open to exploring sexual activity with a partner then fewer men would be looking for sex with a prostitute.

Sex and love

A BBC documentary ‘The Human Body’ presented by Dr Robert Winston films a sex education class.
The teacher, after writing up the word ‘SEX’ in large letters on the blackboard, asks the teenagers to suggest other words associated with sex. Some time later, the teacher asks the class for the one word that is missing and, after a pause, writes the word ‘LOVE’ on the board.
Despite modern contraception, sex still involves the risk of pregnancy, sexual disease and considerable emotional turmoil (!). So we promote the link between sex and love to ensure that young people understand the responsibilities associated with a sexual relationship.
A girl of sixteen came out to the South of France one summer. On her first night she met an Australian whose self-confessed ambition was to lay every woman in the resort. She fell for his chat and blond good looks and lost her virginity. The next day he moved on (mission accomplished so to speak) and she was devastated.
Fathers are protective of their daughters for this very reason. They know that sex drive causes a young man to be highly focused on his own orgasm and that any idea of a relationship is likely to be the last thing on his mind. Since a woman does not get the same easy pleasure from sex, she offers a man short-term pleasure in the hope of longer-term companionship, mutual support and family (or a sense of belonging), sometimes referred to as ‘commitment’.
If young women are hoping for more than a ‘one night stand’ then they are best advised to make a man wait (at least a date or two) for sex. It won’t do a man any lasting harm to wait and if he is interested in you as a person then he will be willing to allow time for trust and respect to develop.
Casual sex is usually about the ego trip
In the long run, most of us find that having sex with someone we know and love adds something special to the experience. But that does not mean that sex and love are the same thing. Sex is raunchy, exhilarating, orgasmic and fun. Love is caring and nurturing. The two can go together or side-by-side but they are different. Women’s sexual expectations in our society are often confused with softer images of love and romance.
Sex education for teenagers (especially girls) should cover not only the reproductive facts but also how they can enjoy a sexual relationship. Most women who experience orgasm do so through masturbation or oral sex. Telling teenagers to limit their sexual experiences to intercourse makes it less likely that a woman might learn how to enjoy her own orgasm. Vaginal intercourse may lead to family but it was never intended to facilitate female orgasm, either physically or psychologically.
“In some cases, it was not even clear to the woman herself whether there had been an orgasm or merely high levels of arousal.” (p199 The Hite Report 1976)
Not every woman is attracted to eroticism and so many women miss out on the sexual fantasies that lead to women’s sexual arousal and orgasm. Shere Hite referred to women’s experience of heightened arousal as ‘emotional orgasms’ to differentiate them from real female orgasms. Perhaps the term ‘emotional orgasm’ is unhelpful.
Another way of differentiating between women’s experience of orgasm is by asking about the impact of the relationship. Some women explain their experience of orgasm through their relationship and the idea that their partner finds them sexually attractive. Many women never learn to explore their sexuality either through masturbation or through activities other than sexual intercourse and so they miss out on enjoying sexual pleasure and their own sexual arousal and orgasm.
A woman who enjoys orgasm through masturbation can enjoy orgasm quite separately from her relationship because her sexual psychology is driven through sexual fantasies. Each of these experiences is no better than the other but simply different.

Why do so few women comment on sexual pleasure?

I am not so crazy as to approach just any random woman on the subject of sex. I know that most women will be irreversibly offended even at the mention of sex. So I choose women who appear to be fairly modern or liberated and then I approach the subject tangentially.
Of the women that I have been brave enough to approach, the vast majority have deliberately shunned me. It is this reaction, almost of fear, that so many women have to the word ’sex’ that causes me to question the assertion that women are just as enthusiastic about sex as men are.
To date, not one woman has said “Wow, aren’t you brave! I would love the opportunity to compare notes. Please feel free to ask me any questions you want to.” Let’s face it, openness about sex is much more difficult for women because of misunderstanding about female sexuality.
Of the few women who have been willing to discuss their sexual experiences, only a couple have talked about easy orgasm. See Some women never tune into eroticism and Bluffers, fakers and sex surveys. Both women talked about sex in terms of their relationship. One was openly unappreciative of eroticism and the other was dismissive of female masturbation.
The popular belief is that women need do nothing other than be on the receiving end of male thrusting to enjoy sex fully. So although the average woman is shocked by the idea of sexual fantasies and never masturbates, we still assume that she experiences sexual arousal and orgasm during sex. How can this logically be?
Although everyone assumes that women enjoy sex as much as men, the fact is that relatively few women ever comment on sex. Most women say nothing, which hardly indicates open enthusiasm. I am challenging women who say that orgasm with a partner is easy, not only because their experience does not tally with the known facts but also because they are contributing towards the continuing misunderstanding of female sexuality.
The fact is that women do not experience spontaneous sexual arousal as men do. This explains why most women do not masturbate and why women often interpret their sexual experiences in terms of their relationship. The sensations arising from a woman’s loving emotions may be very pleasant but it is not likely that they equate to the phenomenon that men call orgasm.
The idea that female orgasm is achieved through emotional feelings is misleading because:
When these women claim to orgasm easily during sex, women who are asking about lack of orgasm with a partner assume that we are all talking about the same experience; and
Unfortunately emotional passion tends to wane over the longer-term and men, hoping for an active sex life, have difficulty understanding why women are no longer interested in sex.
There seems to be a surprising amount of resistance to asking women to account for their sexual experiences. I simply want to get a more open discussion of the facts so that we can be sure that we are all talking about the same kind of experiences.
I am taking all the risk and yet other people are so easily defensive. Surely it is in all our interests to improve our understanding of the facts? I have legitimate questions and I am looking for answers in a society that claims to support rational explanations.

How to pleasure a man

Tracy Cox (author of ‘Hot Sex’) tells a story of a woman who welcomes her partner home from work wearing a sexy nightdress, with champagne by the bed and a pornographic movie ready in the machine. If she does this regularly and over the longer term then I take my hat off to her! Her partner is a very lucky man.
More realistically for the majority of women I suggest that such pampering to the male sex fantasy is likely to be an occasional male treat. Nevertheless, such episodes that live out men’s sexual fantasies can fuel a man’s sexual arousal and enjoyment of more ‘bread-and-butter’ style sex for some weeks.
Fantasy style sex by definition is likely to be occasional. If inventive and unusual sex happened every day of the week, it would ultimately become the norm. Nevertheless, men still hope for this ideal of everyday fantasy sex.
Having just administered a local anaesthetic prior to a minor surgical procedure, my chirpy medical consultant asked me whether I had any last requests. “Not really, just be as quick as you can!” I replied. “That’s exactly what my wife says to me!” jokes he. Men don’t want sex to be a chore that is ‘gotten over with’ as quickly as possible. Particularly, over the course of time men hope for their partner to be more engaged in sex than in the early years where they could carry the day with their own arousal.
The best female lovers learn to share eroticism
In the film ‘Ruthless People’, an older man hires a prostitute to have sex with him in the back of his car. He asks her to make as much noise as possible because his wife always lies there ‘like a gunny-sack’. The prostitute duly screams and moans so much that an onlooker (who admittedly is very stupid) mistakes the couple to be a murderer and his victim.
For men to enjoy sex they need to feed their sexual fantasies, which are most effective when based on their real sex life. Hence, men want to develop the variety, spontaneity and imagination of their relationship with a sexual partner. Men hope a lover will enhance their sexual arousal by engaging on their appreciation of eroticism and by responding appreciatively.
“It isn’t the same for the two sexes because male turn-ons are concrete, while many female turn-ons are situational and atmospheric. … You can’t of course control your turn-ons any more than he can, but it helps if a woman has some male-type object reactions, like being excited by the sight of a penis, or hairy skin, or by the man stripping, or by physical kinds of play (just as it helps if the man has some sense of atmosphere). It’s the active woman who understands his reaction while keeping her own who is the ideal lover.” (p36 The Joy of Sex 1972)
Contrary to our instincts, women are likely to make better lovers than men in the sense of being dedicated to giving their partners pleasure, whether as mistresses, prostitutes or just as adventurous girlfriends and wives. Women are able to focus wholeheartedly on pleasuring a man because they can put aside their own sexual arousal. Younger men in particular are likely to have difficulty focusing on their partner’s arousal rather than their own.
Porn movies may show women willingly pleasuring men but it’s important to recognise that they are being paid to do that. In a loving relationship if a man relies on the financial advantage (by assuming that sex is an automatic right based on his higher income) the woman will quickly feel that he is using her for sex. If a man starts out more enthusiastic about sex then, over the longer-term, he needs to be willing to invest effort in pleasuring his woman.

Women have to learn about their sexual arousal

Some women appear to be so sheltered from the world of adult eroticism that one wonders if they have ever experienced sexual urges of any kind. The fact is that even today some women never tune into eroticism and never gain an appreciation of their own sexual arousal because women’s sexual arousal and orgasm is not automatic.
Nancy, a recently widowed woman in her seventies became acquainted with John, a man of the same age, during a stay in hospital. On the grounds of friendship, they met once for lunch and then Nancy invited him to her house. On admitting John to her home, he took the sexual initiative by giving her a tongue-in-mouth French kiss.
Nancy contained her revulsion at the uninvited physical intimacy until John left but resolved that she would never see him again. Nancy told me that even her husband of fifty years had never kissed her ‘like that’. Men never seem to lose their enjoyment of physical intimacy with the opposite sex whereas women do not necessarily appreciate the physical side of sexual encounters at all.
“Sex is the price women pay for marriage. Marriage is the price men pay for sex.” (p92 Why Women can’t read Maps 1999)
Women should be encouraged to hope for sexual pleasure
On the other hand Nancy has already had her chance in life. As a teenager in the early 1940’s, she was sheltered by her family and society from any knowledge of sexual pleasure. Young women were simply not equipped to know how to respond to their lover in bed. This was a sad loss for Nancy as well as for her husband. Sex and love are often confused for women and, even today, many people believe that knowledge of sexual pleasure is ‘inappropriate’ for respectable women.
Marriage is not just about family; it also involves a man and a woman being companions and hopefully lovers for life. Today there is no reason for sheltering young women from eroticism. Teenage girls should be told how couples can enjoy sex for life. Knowledge does not force a person to make certain choices – it gives them a choice.
Men today have alternatives to marriage as much as women. Not every woman is attracted to eroticism but it is no longer sufficient for a woman to simply ‘put up with’ sex. She needs to know how to enjoy a sexual relationship beyond the early years if she is to keep a family together. Equally we need to change attitudes so that men appreciate the effort that women make in sex.
Sex has existed for eons and yet it is often asserted that women’s sexuality has changed over recent decades. Changing attitudes and providing information can only encourage women to make the most of their innate sexuality. Whatever the fashion, all women have essentially the same fundamental sexual responses and these are quite different to men’s.
The sexuality that some young women display today is no different to the past except society then was not so admiring of women who behaved in a sexually provocative manner. Since young women often don’t know how to orgasm it seems less likely that women who engage in casual sex are enjoying sexual pleasure.
In any event, it is worth questioning the value of a relationship for either side that starts by bartering sex for a meal or a couple of drinks. The film ‘Doc Hollywood’ makes the point well that young women should consider holding back a little and testing out whether a man is interested in them as a person or simply on getting into their knickers.
Long-term relationships are not only about sex but also about enjoying each other’s company over many years.