Female sexual pleasure is not required for successful reproduction

I have questioned my sexual experiences since the very first time I had sex. It has amazed me that more women don’t question.
We have known since the 1970’s that vaginal intercourse doesn’t provide sufficient PHYSICAL stimulation (of the clitoris) for orgasm.
My stumbling block was even more fundamental. How do women achieve the PSYCHOLOGICAL arousal needed for orgasm during sex?
Over the years, I have found very few women who seem bothered that sex is unlikely to provide female orgasm. I understand that women who never masturbate are not motivated by orgasm. I am targeting women who are familiar with orgasm from masturbation and who are interested in experiencing something similar with a partner.
Women do not become aroused enough for orgasm simply by looking at the naked male body. If we did, then we would also pay to enjoy the sight of the male body as men do through lap-dancing and pole-dancing bars. Equally, women would buy pornographic magazines (as men do) to enjoy looking at pictures of naked men.
Men learn from masturbation that their sexual arousal arises from an appreciation of pictures of naked women, especially their sexual attributes. This enables men to become easily aroused during sex with a partner.
Women learn from masturbation that their sexual arousal arises from an appreciation of eroticism, through sexual fantasies. These are complex psychological scenarios that involve the behaviour and personalities of imagined characters.
A high level of focus is needed to reach orgasm from sexual fantasies alone. Not only is it difficult to achieve the necessary focus in the presence of another person, even a lover, but such a mental block-out is frankly incompatible when ‘making love’ with a partner.
Men’s psychological arousal is almost instant partly because their bodies are full of the sex hormone, testosterone. Sex has been designed to facilitate male orgasm, which helps provide men with some of the motivation to support a family.
Women’s sexual role (during sex with a partner) remains what it always was:
To accept a man’s desire for physical intimacy as his sign of devotion to her;
To provide a man with sexual pleasure by facilitating male orgasm ; and
By appreciating a man’s love-making, to provide the emotional intimacy that motivates him to support a family.
This explains the contradiction of rape. How can an act that is supposed to be spontaneously pleasurably also inflict so much misery on women? Men are not victims of rape (through vaginal intercourse) as women are because intercourse is an act of male sexual dominance. A woman accepts this sexual subordination only once she has identified a man as a potential mate.
Female orgasm is not required for reproduction. Whether we like it or not, orgasm represents a much smaller part of the wider picture of female sexuality. Luckily women do not have a biological drive to reach orgasm (as men do) so, without an expectation for orgasm, they have nothing to miss.
Women’s modern day interest in orgasm comes from the expectations that were set during the sexual revolution. This has also increased the pressure from men who have always hoped that women might be as enthusiastic about sex as they are.

Sexual arousal during intercourse

When I had sex for the first time, I was disappointed because I had hoped that sex would be spontaneously arousing enough for me to orgasm. I didn’t have any clear idea about what I would do during sex except perhaps to respond affectionately to my lover’s love-making.
It’s amazing when you think of it. I was eighteen years old and a virgin so my vagina was as tight as it was ever likely to be. Yet I couldn’t feel a thing from thrusting, not even when my partner’s penis initially penetrated me. I was waiting for something to happen and suddenly it was all over.
Even subsequent times I was none the wiser. Naturally, we experimented with oral sex as well as different positions and techniques for sexual intercourse but nothing worked. Sex was so far from providing sexual arousal that it was hard to imagine what would make a difference.
Although I knew how to orgasm from masturbation, this was of little use to me. Masturbation was a solitary experience relying on being highly focused on sexual fantasies. Sex with a partner was completely different. For one, the environment was incompatible with the use of fantasies.
Erotic literature had given me absolute faith that foreplay and vaginal intercourse would provide guaranteed spontaneous sexual arousal and orgasm. So I just lay there, like a lemon, waiting to be transported to the heights of sexual pleasure assuming no need to contribute in any way.
Despite searching for answers for over ten years, so far no one has been able to explain them at all. When I have told them that my boyfriend remarked, that other virgins had made the same comment, the most usual reaction is silence. I am told that if I read so-and-so I would realise that my experience cannot be. They imply that no one else has the same experience.
Therapists conclude that since other women say nothing they must be happy with sex. There is little acknowledgement of just how embarrassed most people are about discussing their sexual experiences. I can vouch for the fact that even when a person is relatively relaxed about sex (as I have been) the humiliation of the implied sexual inadequacy is a very effective silencer.
So women learn to accept their sexual experiences for what they are. They make the best of it for the sake of their partner. Sex becomes an activity to be ‘gotten over with’. Sexual arousal is implied or faked depending on pressure from the man.
As a more experienced woman I now know that a woman plays along with men’s sexual fantasies, in part, to minimise her own investment of effort in an activity that is not designed to provide women with an equal sexual pleasure.
After all, it’s human nature… Why spend half an hour when you only need to spend a couple of minutes? Even prostitutes know the value of time (and, of course, money). It is much more efficient for a woman to play along with a man’s fantasies of arousing a woman so that he orgasms quickly.
In the end, men are directly looking for sexual pleasure (orgasm in particular) but women are, more often, willing to settle for affection and the emotional aspects of sexual relationships.

Sexual arousal arises from an appreciation of eroticism

Much of what is known about female orgasm comes from women’s experience of masturbation. I found Shere Hite’s conclusions useful because they accorded with my own experience.
Shere Hite compared female masturbation with vaginal intercourse to explain why the lack of genital simulation (of the clitoris) would be likely to make it difficult for women to reach orgasm with a partner.
It did not explain why I have never been able to orgasm from clitoral stimulation with a partner, for example, purely from manual stimulation of the clitoris or through oral sex. Of course, the other characteristic of masturbation that is missing during sex is fantasy. That is unless a woman finds a way to incorporate sexual fantasies into her sex life.
It was some time before I came across the fact indicated by surveys that many women do use fantasy to orgasm during sex with a partner. Frankly I was amazed because this was something I had never really considered. The context of sex with a partner was inappropriate for my use of fantasy, which required a highly focused state of mind.
“Many times sexual fantasies are used to induce or enhance sexual arousal, and while fantasies are often combined with masturbation to provide a source of turn-on when a partner is not available, fantasies are also extremely common during sexual activity with someone else. For instance, one study of 212 married women found that sex fantasies help many women achieve sexual arousal and/or orgasm during sexual intercourse.” (p416 Human Sexuality (fifth edition) 1995)
Women use sexual fantasies both alone and with a partner
The realisation that some women do use fantasy during sex (and I was able to confirm this with a few of the woman I spoke to) allowed me to see a parallel with my experience of orgasm from masturbation. I realised that although I used clitoral stimulation during masturbation it only worked when combined with the use of sexual fantasies.
Sheila Kitzinger made the point that sex, especially sexual arousal, is primarily in the brain. I then realised that most accounts of sex focus heavily on PHYSICAL stimulation techniques and that PSYCHOLOGICAL arousal tends to be simply assumed or overlooked. I concluded that this is probably because psychological sexual arousal for men is usually a given.
My suggestion is that just as men need EROTIC IMAGES and stimulation of the PENIS for orgasm, women need EROTIC STORIES and stimulation of the CLITORIS for orgasm. This is my explanation of how I have reached that conclusion and how it fits with men’s experiences of sexual arousal and orgasm.
It makes sense that women will need to use fantasy more than men to reach orgasm during sex. Women have much lower levels of testosterone, the hormone that boosts sex drive. Also the naked male body does not cause women to become aroused enough for orgasm (otherwise women would buy porn as men do).
There is no logical reason why sexual fantasies should not be a part of our sex life (whether or not admitted to a partner). This conclusion helps explain why foreplay techniques may not be as effective as we would hope because, just as during female masturbation, women’s sexual arousal relies on sexual fantasies.

Making the most of sex play

Overall my partner and I have been lucky to have enjoyed exploring eroticism and sex play together. Sure we have had our ups and downs like anyone else.
There have also been many positive moments. When I am in a romantic mood, perhaps after a movie or after spending companionable time with my partner, it can be the most exhilarating experience to enjoy passionate kissing while having sex.
There are also times when I feel especially tuned into my sexual fantasies and I want to have adventurous sex with my partner. It is a real luxury to approach sex with a man totally without embarrassment so I can ask him to do whatever I want.
We have had some great weekends away. One time I set out to join Peter, travelling by train from London to an Oxfordshire village. I decided to get in the mood by reading one of my erotic novels. It was a turn-on to reading about sex while surrounded by strangers.
Peter was happy to oblige when we arrived at the hotel. Straight intercourse can be pleasurable when I am already aroused. We knew that we had the whole weekend ahead of us so it was great to approach sex more frivolously than normal.
Another time we flew out to Prague in winter and got cosy straightaway in the hotel room. Peter ran a bath while I lay on the bed reading an erotic story. After bathing with some fellatio thrown in, I lay on the bed still reading while Peter touched me up.
I keep reading until the sensations cause me to want to focus on my own sexual arousal.
Sharing eroticism and sensual massage
We have also had holidays (when the children were taken care of in activities) where we have retired to bed after lunch each day to have a couple of hours sleep and some sex. I would enjoy my partner giving me an erotic massage.
There was no goal of orgasm for me because I have never been able to orgasm from sex. I have enjoyed the sensations of having my clitoral area (up and over the hood of the clitoris) stroked. We would end with vaginal intercourse with my partner on top or beside me so he could continue stroking my clitoris while penetrating my vagina with his penis from behind.
We spent a number of summers sailing in Turkey. Peter liked me to go topless as we sailed along the coast for lunch at a beach restaurant. Holidays have always been a time for us to spend intimate time together.
We notice that other couples often go on holiday with friends: the men engage on activities while the women shop or read by the pool. We often wondered why other couples did not appear to make time for sex during their holiday.
“Some couples find it easy to talk and share together, to explore different ways of making love and discover what each wants. Women who describe this kind of relationship often comment on its quality as a whole, rather than just its sexual aspects.” (p121 Woman’s Experience of Sex)
Over more than twenty years of our relationship, we do not see other couples with an intimacy we envy. No dout there are other couples who have regular sex and enjoy talking together. But it’s rare. We are happy with what we have.
So when I am told that every couple out there is enjoying an idyllic sex life I have to wonder. Most middle-aged couples we come across are rarely even intimate with each other. Perhaps we live a quite life but swingers are, in any case, only on an ego trip.

How to enjoy your sexual fantasies

Women use clitoral stimulation during female masturbation but that’s just dessert. Main course is scrummy sexual fantasies. Sadly, not every woman learns how to enjoy these delights.
When I first discovered masturbation, I did not have access to any erotic literature. Initially my sexual fantasies were home grown although sometimes based on stories I had already read.
‘The Story of O’ by by Pauline Reage made a big impression on me. I liked the context of a large stately home filled with men who use it as a country club but of course it was a brothel. I liked the idea of the men being rich (of course), masculine and self-assured (experienced).
So many of my early fantasies, which I still use, are based on the idea of a woman being a reluctant slave. Various attendants (usually also male) prepare the woman (me) for sex.
I like to fantasise about group episodes with many men who are either having sex with me or waiting their turn. One scenario is based on servicing men while they are dining around a long table. They penetrate my mouth, vagina or rectum; sometimes more than one man at a time. I don’t like competition and don’t find women’s bodies a turn-on so there are seldom women in my fantasies.
I use ideas such as creams to make my nipples more sensitive or a repository in the rectum to make me want a well-lubricated penis to cool the fire of the irritant. These ideas are intended to be perverse and not necessarily to be enjoyable in reality.
Apparently, some women are able to use their sexual fantasies during sex. Unfortunately, not all women are able to find the focus required to reach orgasm from fantasy when they are engaged on sexual activities with a partner.
Fantasies based on erotic stories
One story I read tells of a woman who agrees to give herself over to an experienced man who wants to show her how enjoyable anal sex can be. He gives her a draught to drink that will clear out her bowels.
He offers her a coffee while they are waiting for the draught to take effect. After a spell on the loo, they shower together and he gives her an enema. By thoroughly cleaning out her rectum they can both be sure that the experience will be more comfortable.
With the lights low, he starts with her face down on the bed and uses a phallic vibrator (dildo) to slowly ease into her anus and help her become relaxed. She lies there with her eyes closed thinking of other things and waiting for the experience to become more comfortable. Gradually she relaxes and starts to feel some sexual arousal.
He turns her over and starts with vaginal intercourse with a finger massaging her anus and penetrating her rectum to relax her muscles. He is eventually able to penetrate her anus with his penis and they have anal intercourse.
Over the course of the evening they have sex a number of times. Often the woman can hardly tell whether he’s in her vagina or her rectum. When he’s penetrating her vagina he uses a finger as a penis replacement in her anus.
I’m not going to tell you about my fantasies around gay men. I suspect this is just an odd perversion of my own. I will tell you about two books I enjoyed. ‘The King’s Men’ by Christian Fall tells the story of young Ned’s sexual adventures during the time of the English Civil War. ‘Hot Valley’ by James Lear is also an historical novel and follows the sexual exploits of Jack (who is a bit of a slut) in the New England of the 1860’s. Well, I like history…

How to orgasm

Shere Hite explained how women apply orgasm techniques in order to reach orgasm during intercourse. Women’s sexual arousal and orgasm is not automatic and so women have to learn how to orgasm. Inevitably, such techniques take time to develop.
“ … the two reasons women don’t orgasm during intercourse are:
(1) they are given false information, specifically they are told that the penis thrusting in the vagina will cause orgasm; and
(2) they are intimidated from exploring and touching their bodies… They do not control their own stimulation.” (p53 The Hite Reports 1993)
Research indicates that masturbation is innate but sex itself is learned. We know that vaginal intercourse is reproductive and so we assume it also leads to sexual pleasure.
Unfortunately, female orgasm is not required for reproduction and so vaginal intercourse is not designed, either physically or psychologically, to provide a woman with orgasm. Luckily other sexual activities can be just as enjoyable as (if not more than) intercourse.
Intercourse naturally allows a man to control his own physical stimulation (of the penis) through thrusting. Even if the woman takes the initiative and ‘rides’ her man from on top, she is still stimulating his penis with her vagina. A couple needs to build into their sex life the same freedom for the woman to obtain the clitoral stimulation that she needs.
Clitoral stimulation is not everything
If a woman knows how to masturbate to orgasm, she may be able to obtain the additional clitoral stimulation she needs by applying her orgasm techniques to sex while her man penetrates her. Either her partner stimulates her clitoris or more usually she masturbates herself during intercourse using a rear-entry position e.g. in the spoon position (imagine spoons lying side by side in the drawer).
Of course, this kind of sensitive technique is difficult for a man to learn as he needs to rely on his partner’s feedback. The likely areas, equivalent to the erogenous areas in a man, include the labia themselves (the length of the penis), either side of the labia (the testicles), the entrance to the vagina (base of the penis) and around the anus.
A man needs to learn how his partner reacts when stimulation is pleasurable. The signs of sexual arousal in a woman are subtler than for a man but include the degree and consistency of her vaginal fluids, the extent that the vaginal entrance and labia are swollen and the degree of clitoral erection.
“Forget the missionary position. Most men think that if they stick it in you you’ll be screaming with orgasm, just as long as they keep at it enough” says Ruth, 30. “It’s just not so. No matter how much you pump, nothing is going to happen, apart from her writing a mental shopping list for Tesco. Unless, of course the clitoris is involved. And that’s physically impossible if you’re lying on top.” (Men’s Health magazine Jan/Feb 1998)
Transferring orgasm techniques from masturbation to sex can be difficult for a woman because some sexual fantasies are more difficult to use during sex with a partner. Unfortunately not every woman is able to focus on fantasy during sex.

Male nudity does not lead to women's sexual arousal

The naked male body can be a beautiful sight and yet our heterosexual society is dominated by images of women’s bodies. The ancient Greeks were more relaxed about homosexuality and their statues show their appreciation of the sensual male nude.
Gay men certainly appreciate the naked male form, including male genitals. Since women tend to be shocked by male nudity, especially genitals, they are censored in our society. Women admire men more for their status or achievements: in smart dress or uniform.
In 1991 Andrew Stanway’s film ‘The Lover’s Guide’ was a break-through in British censorship of films for general release. He was allowed to show the erect penis for the first time but only because his films were intended for educational purposes.
The film ‘The Wedding Date’ includes a scene where Dermot Mulroney is very relaxed about appearing naked in front of a woman (as if!). The woman’s horrified reaction to a man’s genitals not only indicates how female sexuality differs to male sexuality but also provides a clue as to why women’s sexual arousal is much more elusive with a partner.
Men have more to lose by appearing naked because their erection betrays their intimate thoughts. Men don’t want to expose themselves for fear of being sized up or becoming aroused under scrutiny (’The Full Monty’ film indicates men’s insecurities over nudity).
Men’s sexual arousal arises from looking at images of the naked body of a sexual partner, which explains the daily sales of pornographic magazines. Women, who have explored eroticism and learned about their own sexual arousal through female masturbation, will know that female sexual arousal arises more from the context of relationships and sexual scenarios (sexual fantasies) than from images of the male body.
My own nakedness has never bothered me but men’s interest in women’s bodies teaches us to become self-conscious. Women’s bodies are constantly being scrutinised not only by men but also by women. Anyone with a less than perfect body is ridiculed because the assumption is that any women displaying her body in public must be trying to attract male attention.
The film ‘The Calendar Girls’ tells the story of a group of middle-aged women who posed naked, but tastefully, for a calendar. It caused uproar because they were not young women with flawless bodies but women who had given birth or grown old.
Nudity causes men to think about sex even more than usual and they mistakenly assume that women have the same sexual motivations. While I was sunbathing on a nudist beach, one woman bent over to get suncream out of her bag and my partner suggested that she must have done so deliberately so that the men on the beach could enjoy looking at her genitals.
The fact is that she was much more likely to be just getting sun cream out of her bag! That comment made me aware of needing to keep my legs firmly together on the beach. I have been most relaxed when on a gay nudist beach in Mikonos, Greece because I didn’t have to worry that anyone might assume that I was sunbathing nude as a means of making a sexual invitation.

Young & sexy

young woman complained about the male attention she got every time she left the hostel on 42nd Street in Manhattan, dressed in her high heels and low cleavage. Yes, well… It is relatively easy for a woman to attract a man’s attention by enhancing her looks.
It is more difficult for her to cash in on the advantage by enjoying orgasm with a partner. Women do not experience the spontaneous arousal that men do and so women do not have the same need for orgasm. A woman is rarely seeking sex in the sense that a man does.
All this is very confusing for men. They see a woman who has apparently gone to great deal of effort to attract their attention. Naturally a man assumes that she must be interested in sex. Looking at this issue from the other side, since men never put on make-up or dress provocatively we might conclude they are not interested in sex.
Of course this does not follow. The sexes have different but complementary roles. The woman’s role is to attract a man’s attention. The man’s role is to take the initiative in making an advance towards a woman he finds attractive. So women’s bodies are a sexual commodity in a way that men’s rarely are.
Men want control in sexual situations because ultimately it is their sexual performance that is key to any sexual relationship and, of course, to reproduction. So men have the initial choice of selecting a woman they find attractive but women have the choice to accept or decline their offer. These behaviours are fundamental to our dating and mating rituals.
Rich men tend to marry women who are attractive rather those who succeed alongside men in the academic or commercial world. So, in our heterosexual society, even women tend to judge other women by their looks rather than their achievements.
Women have lower sexual desire
One year at college I lived with six other female students. Two of them were always entertaining young men in their rooms. The rest of us assumed that they must have been having sex with at least some of the stream of men who came through our flat. My conclusion was not that they achieved sexual satisfaction with these men but that they enjoyed being so popular.
Most women need a stable relationship in which there is a high degree of trust and good communication in order to experience good sex. One-night stands can only be fuelling a woman’s ego and satisfying her vanity. Ironically, young women often lack confidence and being promiscuous is an easy way to be popular, with men at least.
Women’s difficulties with sexual arousal and orgasm are often blamed on low libido but women naturally have a lower sex drive than men as evidenced by:
our enthusiasm for eroticism, either visual pornography or erotic stories;
our willingness to indulge in sexual fantasies;
the pleasure we obtain from admiring the sexual attributes of the opposite sex;
how frequently we masturbate; and
our motivation to initiate sex with a partner.
So, for example, when I have offered my partners oral sex (fellatio) they almost swoon with pleasure and yet I rarely find oral sex (cunnilingus) arousing enough for orgasm. Even women who orgasm from cunnilingus need the circumstances to be just right and I suspect that few women would be willing to pay for the pleasure as men do.
The oldest profession (prostitution) says it all: a relatively few women provide sex for many more men. Of course the women are shamed for making money out of men’s need. Yet men often compensate women financially for sex – not an indication of equal pleasure. Even in our supposedly liberated times over 90% of the Internet provides some form of sex for men.
Inevitably there must be some women who are sexually insatiable and some men who are unmoved by sex but these individuals do not represent the ‘norm’. Most women never talk about lost sexual opportunities. They talk about commitment and trust. This enormous gap between the sexes means that most women remain terribly naïve about men’s sex drive.

Some women never tune into eroticism

Angela, a woman in her early twenties, was having relationship problems with her boyfriend of six months. She was upset that he enjoyed looking at other women. She got him to agree to stop buying pornographic magazines, which she found demeaning.
”Porn to men is not a big deal. They honestly can’t see how watching a sexy film can be any sort of reflection on their love for their girlfriend. Most don’t understand why she takes offence because, as far as they’re concerned, every guy does it. They’re right. Research shows the infrequent porn user is your average guy – 90 per cent of them. He’s not a deviant, he just likes looking at sexy pictures. It’s got a lot to do with what turns each sex on. Usually, men are turned on more by pictures and visual images, women are turned on more by words. Now, that’s a massive generalisation, but true in a lot of cases.” (p235 Hot Relationships 1999)
She believed that if he loved her, he would only want to look at her body. Angela was also disgusted by the idea that men can enjoy eroticism outside a loving relationship. I was surprised by her reaction because it has never occurred to me to place limits on my partner’s enjoyment of eroticism. Equally, I cannot imagine limiting my own thoughts at his request. Angela, still very much in love, was confident that she experienced orgasm with her partner but told me that she did not use fantasy.
Emotional orgasms
Angela was sure that the arousal she gained, although driven through her emotional psychology, resulted in real female orgasms. Even the first time and every time afterwards, intercourse was orgasmic for her. Angela thought that her sexual arousal stemmed from the idea that her partner found her sexually attractive. She said that she could not orgasm from the missionary position and that she needed to be ‘on top’. Who knows? Some sources suggest that women who orgasm during intercourse have a more prominent clitoris or, perhaps, it is simply that their sexual fantasies (or expectations?) map more easily onto reality.
I asked Angela how she knew that she was not having ‘emotional orgasms’ (peaks of sexual arousal). Angela was confident of her interpretation of her experiences. Growing up reading Cosmopolitan magazine, she called herself a ‘Cosmo Girl’ who was well informed about female masturbation and orgasm. Of course, just because a woman has read about other women’s experience of orgasm this does not necessarily mean that she knows how to achieve the same for herself.
Angela had disliked eroticism ever since puberty when her father, brother and their friends made her feel degraded by their lewd sexual remarks. It’s a shame that some women are so sensitive to men’s sexual remarks, which are more often than not intended as a compliment. The problem arises because many women associate eroticism with being considered ‘dirty’.
A young American woman, who had only twenty four hours in Rome, felt so threatened by the young men of Rome that she vowed to spend her whole trip in the women’s hostel. Admittedly, Italian men are the most voluble and persistent of any nation that I have been to! I have always accepted male heckling with a smile and interpreted any sexual innuendo as a compliment.

Transferring orgasm techniques to sex

Women’s orgasm techniques leant from masturbation (including both clitoral stimulation and use of sexual fantasies) are not always easy to apply to sex with a partner. My own experience was that the contrast between sex with a partner and masturbation alone was so extreme that it never even occurred to me to try to combine the two experiences.
Men dislike wearing condoms because they reduce the stimulation of the penis. Imagine then the position of a woman during intercourse! Sexual intercourse without any additional clitoral stimulation is a bit like wearing a rubber boot as a condom!
“Most women conclude at some point in their lives that the female body is badly designed.” (p19 Bluffer’s Guide to Women 1998)
Men’s sexual arousal is so much more obvious and easier to achieve: you touch them just about anywhere, wear something provocative or nothing at all. In the absence of my own sexual arousal, it was much easier to accept my partner’s love-making and facilitate his orgasm. Women’s sexual arousal and orgasm is not automatic but neither is it obvious (even to a woman) how women’s sexual arousal with a partner works. I did not know where to start to suggest what my partner might try to arouse me.
Female masturbation may help but is no guarantee
The fact was that I had never considered masturbation to be a legitimate part of sex. Masturbation was purely a mechanism for assisting me in getting to sleep and for enjoying the pleasures of orgasm. Even though I knew that sexual fantasies worked when I was alone, it was as if it would be an insult to my partner to start reading a sexy story when his body was next to mine.
“Women also often find it easier to fantasise when self-pleasuring than in sex with a partner. The immediacy of someone else’s needs actually inhibits the expression and satisfaction of their own. Some also say they have to imagine that the person making love to them is not the person they know so well.” (p65 Woman’s Experience of Sex 1983)
Women, who say they orgasm from sexual intercourse but do not masturbate, do not necessarily have it all figured out; it’s just that they have no comparison. There is even sometimes an implication that female masturbation may prevent a woman from having an orgasm with a partner. This is, of course, based purely on superstition rather than logic as Shere Hite explains.
“Perhaps if you masturbate, you can get a fixation on your clitoris and are thus unable to come during intercourse.”
“The fact that I’ve been masturbating since I was ten has made it more difficult for me to orgasm vaginally.”
These two quotes came from women who replied to Shere Hite’s survey. She replies: “The truth, however, is just the opposite: masturbation increases your ability to orgasm in general, and also your ability to orgasm during intercourse. Why not? It’s the same stimulation. … Of course, masturbation to orgasm does not automatically enable you to orgasm during intercourse. There is no mystical connection between the two – just the practical experience with orgasm – how it feels and how to get it.” (p51 The Hite Reports – 1993)

Not every woman is attracted to eroticism

Most girls probably read romantic stories but not everyone is comfortable with the more explicitly sexual nature of erotic stories, which help a woman develop the sexual fantasies that lead to orgasm. Our sexual fantasies represent the aspects of sex that we find most arousing and hence most taboo.
“Although every child learns that pretending is an important type of play, sexual fantasies after childhood are usually not thought of as playful. This attitude may exist because sex is usually regarded as a serious matter, even in the imagination. Furthermore, some religious traditions regard a thought as equivalent to an act; thus, a person who has ‘immoral’ sexual daydreams or desires is as sinful as a person who acts on those impulses.” (p413 Human Sexuality (fifth edition) 1995)
Women have more conscious choice over their sexual arousal
Men might feel embarrassed (or they might not!) as they head off to buy their pornographic magazines. Their regular need to release sexual frustration through orgasm is such that men do not have the luxury of deciding to be ‘pure’. Women’s sexual arousal and orgasm is not automatic as a man’s tends to be and so women have to learn how to orgasm.
Women are not attracted to eroticism as easily as men on average (in fact the majority of women find almost any form of eroticism objectionable). Equally a woman has much more conscious control over the extent to which she allows herself to indulge in the erotic thoughts that might lead to enjoying orgasm. Since female masturbation is relatively uncommon many women never discover orgasm and do not necessarily even have hopes for enjoying sexual pleasure with a lover.
“ … fantasy and sexual desire often merge together. People with low levels of sexual desire typically have few sexual fantasies…” (p415 Human Sexuality (fifth edition) 1995)
A good-looking and successful guy in his mid-forties, was very popular with the ladies. Ironically, he was always hoping for a long-term partner but so far had only managed serial relationships (some lasting months and some years). He told me that not one of the women he had been with over the years had been open to the idea of watching porn movies.
Many women never discover orgasm through masturbation and hence never know what they are missing. Having enjoyed orgasm throughout my adult life, it is definitely an experience I would not want to have missed but I can quite see why many women are happy to do without.
“For most women orgasm does not have this central role in life. And if it does, it tends to be for a small part of their lives, and often to melt into the background against other significant experiences and other expressions of their sexuality.” (p80 Woman’s Experience of Sex 1983)

How to women reach orgasm with a partner?

Everyone says “but it all works fine for other women”. My question is “How?”
Men have more testosterone. Men get turned on by anything that moves in a skirt with legs. They masturbate to a man from a young age. They heckle, they ask women to dance, they proposition, etc. Etc.
What do women do? They wait to be asked. Is that a sign of sex drive or sexual arousal?
I don’t mind being proven wrong. If all those millions of other women want to come forward and tell me how their sexuality works to enable them to reach orgasm pretty much as spontaneously as men, then I’d really like to hear from them.
In fact, I would like to hear from any woman on the planet who is willing to stand by her sexual instincts. I don’t mind if she’s never had a sexual urge or orgasm in her life. That at least is believable.
What is not believable is anyone who suggests that women respond sexually much as men do.
When you look around the web it is interesting to see just how rare it is that a woman describes exactly how she reaches orgasm with a partner. There’s lots of talk about female orgasm and what it feels like but women know this from female masturbation.
Expert advice about lack of orgasm often focuses on the suggestion that women might be suffering from some vague psychological trauma or have relationship difficulties. Others question whether orgasm is even that important. All these comments indicate that we are talking about women because men would not relate to this advice.
Some experts suggest that women need to employ relaxation and muscle tensing exercises in order to orgasm with a partner. Imagine suggesting this to a man! Exactly how does it help with arousal if you clench your pelvic muscles? No one ever comments on the mental aspects of arousal.
Despite the fact that women use fantasy during female masturbation, there is no discussion of how women might also use sexual fantasies during sex. If they do not use fantasy then what do they substitute during sex in place of fantasy? We know that women do not get turned on by a lover’s body in the same way that men do.
Other experts use intimidation tactics. Some suggest that if a woman knows how to orgasm from female masturbation then it is as simple as doing the exact same thing during sex with a partner. Others suggest that women need to be more assertive in telling their partner what physical stimulation they need during sex. The effect is to trivialise the difficulties that women have with orgasm.
By patronising women and implying that female orgasm with a partner is easy, experts silence women. In fact, they use these techniques to have their suggestions accepted, however ineffective they might be. Some women may be able to orgasm with a partner with additional (manual or oral) clitoral stimulation but this does not mean that all women will be able to.
Experts never disclose how they (or their partners, in the case of male experts) achieve the psychological sexual arousal necessary for orgasm during sex. The implicit assumption is that women experience the same kind of spontaneous arousal from a sexual partner’s body much the same as men do and that physical stimulation techniques are all that is required in order to enable women to orgasm during sex.

Women's psychological sexual arousal

Men’s easy arousal leads to the misconception that sexual arousal relies purely on PHYSICAL stimulation. But anyone who is familiar with orgasm will know that physical stimulation (of the genitals) is only effective if there is accompanying PSYCHOLOGICAL arousal.
So although it is often implied that a woman can become sexually aroused during sex through physical stimulation, including clitoral stimulation, it is highly unlikely that such techniques will lead to female orgasm unless a woman is simultaneously aroused in her mind.
Few men would attempt to reach orgasm without stimulating their penis and yet many experts still claim that clitoral stimulation is not necessary for a woman to orgasm during sex. It is true that women do not tend to approach sex looking for genital stimulation but this is because they are not necessarily in a state of mental arousal where genital stimulation makes sense.
Since relatively few women masturbate, most women are unfamiliar with what orgasm feels like and how to achieve it. Instead of seeking genital stimulation from sex, many women prefer to limit their sexual experiences to vaginal intercourse, called ‘making love’.
After all the role of the clitoris (as the female sex organ) was identified not from women’s experience of sex but from their experience of masturbation. Where as men use EROTIC IMAGES during masturbation, women use EROTIC STORIES to achieve the psychological arousal needed for orgasm. So although female masturbation indicates that a woman needs clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm, it is only effective when combined with the use of sexual fantasies.
Men’s transition from masturbation to sex is relatively straightforward because they become aroused through an appreciation of their partner’s body, which is a natural substitute for images of naked women that they use for masturbation. Women do not tend to use images of naked men for masturbation.
Women use erotic stories during masturbation so why would they use some other mechanism during sex with a partner? It doesn’t make sense to assume that they can find a partner’s naked body arousing enough for orgasm during sex when they don’t use images of naked men during masturbation.
If women do not use fantasy during sex, then how else do they become psychologically aroused? I have spent over 10 years talking to women about sex and some admit that they use sexual fantasies to achieve orgasm with a partner. No one has come up with any other convincing alternatives as yet.
I have tried to use my sexual fantasies during sex with a partner but I have not been able to achieve the focus required. Apparently some women’s fantasies are of a complex nature that makes them unsuitable for use with a partner.
All too often women’s sexual arousal is shrouded in mystery. Even today it is popularly suggested that female orgasm just happens ‘naturally’ or with the assistance of a loving partner. If men need to use eroticism for arousal and genital stimulation for orgasm then it is highly likely that women might need to use similar techniques if they are to experience orgasm.
In similar fashion, people continue to believe that women can hope to reach orgasm with a partner when they have never masturbated. Even though men learn how their sexual arousal works through masturbation the implication is that women can orgasm without the benefit of the same learning process.
The implication of these assumptions is that women would have to be MORE sexual than men if they are assumed to be able to orgasm without the arousal techniques and learning processes that men typically employ.

How do women become sexually aroused during sex with a partner?

The big hole in all the explanations is: what do women use for sexual arousal, that is their psychological arousal, during sex with a partner? It’s straightforward during female masturbation because a woman can focus fully on fantasy.
It is likely to be much more difficult for a woman to generate the same conditions during sex. This has nothing to do with inhibition, personal embarrassment or the desire to put a man’s needs first. It’s like deep meditation – it takes great focus and concentration to use sexual fantasies effectively.
After decades of trying different orgasm techniques with a partner I have not been able to replicate the exact same sensations of orgasm that I get from masturbation. I do get some really nice physical feelings from anal stimulation and sometimes from vaginal fisting but these orgasms are different from those I get by using fantasy.
I am willing to go through the personal embarrassment of revealing the exact nature of my sexual experiences in the hope that other women might be encouraged to come forward and do the same. Of course, the worry is that I have no way of knowing that my sexual responses are normal.
But what exactly is normal? For example, I might describe to you the pleasure I get from Mathematics: the subject I studied at university. It’s likely that my knowledge and understanding of Mathematics exceeds that of the average person in the population. This does not make my experience abnormal any more than it makes other people’s experiences abnormal. We can all have normal responses and still be different to each other.
Likewise my sexual experiences are likely to be different to other women. I read erotic novels as a teenager, discovered female masturbation to orgasm at the age of seventeen and then spent decades trying a variety of techniques during regular sex with a partner. How many women put this much effort and enthusiasm into exploring their sexual arousal?
My motivation to pursue this topic has been driven by the unreasonably defensive response I have had from others. I have asked legitimate and logical questions by being totally honest about my sexual experiences. In return, I have been patronized and given emotional answers by people who have never volunteered to support their opinions with their own personal experiences.
I am a perfectly normal woman with normal sexual responses. Yet because other women claim to experience easy sexual arousal, the implication is that woman who admits to difficulties with sexual arousal is sexually inadequate. This just is not the case. I want to put the record straight for future generations of women. It is not right that couples continue to be misled by what is currently published about female sexuality.
In case you missed it, this is the political rally…It is time that women were honest about what they want and what they like. We owe it to our daughters. We don’t have to be like men. It is not our job to impregnate. It is our job to have the babies and keep the men interested. We don’t have to lie.
It’s really important that women stand up for what they want. We can pleasure men and give them what they want and still retain our self respect. Women need to tell men that we want different things in return for sex. Companionship. Mutual respect. Mutual support. Orgasm would be great but, if not, then more selfless and sensual pleasuring where they put their own orgasm to one side.

Lack of sexual arousal during sex

Intimacy with a lover makes me feel affectionate but I am rarely conscious of any sexual arousal. In fact, whether it’s sex with a partner or masturbation for that matter, I am usually pretty much stone cold in arousal terms at the start.
I might have concluded that I was frigid if it were not for the fact that I don’t see how other women are any more likely to approach sex just short of an orgasm. The female mind and body simply do not work that way. Equally I don’t see other women being any more actively interested in matters sexual than I am – in fact usually the reverse.
As I have never been able to use fantasy effectively I have always found orgasm difficult to achieve with a partner by any means, whether by using positions and techniques for sexual intercourse or through more direct clitoral stimulation, either manual or oral.
So I found it highly reassuring to read on the GoAskAlice! website that other women have also struggled with orgasm during sex. The website Go Ask Alice! is one of the few sources willing to admit that women rarely orgasm during intercourse. They suggest that women often have to settle for the emotional rewards of sex because it takes women much longer than men to become aroused.
“The vagina itself is a muscular tube of about 8 cm that, when adequately stimulated, expands to fit any size penis with ease. When your partner initially penetrates you, the muscles of the vagina contract and grip the penis. As you continue intercourse and become more turned-on, the vagina expands even further – sometimes so much so, you can’t feel his penis inside you no matter how large it is. This explains why for both partners the initial few thrusts are sometimes the most pleasurable because the vagina feels tighter. For most women, stimulation of the clitoris is necessary to orgasm. Intercourse can indirectly stimulate the clitoris through thrusting but more direct touching with fingers or a tongue is usually more effective.” (p8 Hot Sex 1998).
Attitude and expectation for your sex life
Ironically the less inhibited you are the more disappointing you are likely to find real life because you overlook the simple things like nudity. Sometimes people refer to ‘sexual intimacy’, which comes from a man and a woman sharing the intimacies of sex including nudity, allowing someone to touch the private areas of our bodies and the ultimate act of penetration.
If we were all nuns we could probably make do with sexual fantasies based on vaginal intercourse e.g. sex in public, sex with multiple partners etc. The more we read and imagine beyond the everyday, the more we are likely to need to venture into less comfortable territory. If a fantasy is to help us orgasm then it needs to encompass aspects of sex that we consider to be taboo.
When we explore sexual fantasies, we tend to start on the more innocent side and build up to the more advanced or kinky. The same goes for sex with a partner. For example, most people probably stick to straight intercourse for a first date.
Ask your partner to spend some time preparing your body for sex. Get him to shave your pubic hair completely, which can feel kinky and also makes oral sex easier for the guy. An enema can cause arousal so that even intercourse is more sensitive than normal. Try a blindfold or having your hands tied during sex. Visit a sex shop for other ideas to get the brain going.
As long as you are both keen, consider working out a schedule for building up to fisting and/or anal intercourse. Remember the golden rule with these more advanced techniques: take your time. You should expect to invest serious time in just relaxing, lubricating and exploring with a finger. Information is vital: Em and Lo’s book ‘The Big Bang’ is excellent on both of these.

How to get laid (if you're a man!)

Men should take comfort from the facts of female sexuality. It is difficult for most women to orgasm from intercourse alone and yet amazingly few women ask about lack of orgasm. In addition to the obvious personal embarrassment, likely explanations include:
Not every woman is even interested in orgasm, either by masturbation or from a sexual relationship.
Relatively few women masturbate and so many women never know what an orgasm is.
Some women assume that they orgasm during sex when, in fact, they don’t.
Others accept that sex involves pleasing their man rather than looking for their own pleasure.
The irony is that women who ask about lack of orgasm have the confidence to question because they have explored their sexuality more than most women, both alone and with a partner. Regardless of her sexual expectations, any woman will offer her partner sex when she feels good about the relationship and loving towards her partner.
After spending a romantic (affectionate and companionable) evening together, sharing emotional intimacy, or even after an emotional movie, a woman can feel amenable to having sex.
However, these stimuli are very different to those she needs to reach orgasm (sexual fantasies involve explicit eroticism). Unfortunately, Mother Nature has no need to care about female orgasm. As long as a woman is amenable to having sex, the job is done!
Emotional intimacy
The film ‘Overboard’ stars Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell, her real-life partner. Goldie plays a spoilt rich young wife who loses her memory and, purely out of revenge, Kurt playing a lowly carpenter pretends that she is married to him, with his four children.
Sexual relationships favour male orgasm and it is clear that he would have little problem having sex with this woman he hardly knows and even dislikes. It is equally clear that she would consider it out of the question to have sex with a man she cannot remember knowing. In order to be amenable to sex, a woman needs to find a man sexually attractive and women take longer than men to decide on this point.
“Men are most comfortable expressing love through sex, through shared activities, through being a good provider, and through just being together…” (p77 Why Men don’t get enough Sex and Women don’t get enough Love 1994)
Later in the story, they get to know each other and one evening, pretending that it is her birthday, they go out on a date. After dancing, they talk and gaze at the evening sky while romantic music plays. They kiss and, on returning home, ‘make love’ for the first time.
“98 percent of the women… said they would like more verbal closeness with the men they love; they want the men in their lives to talk more about their own personal thoughts, feelings, plans and questions, and to ask them about theirs.” (p27 Women & Love 1987)
The woman now feels affection for the man and finds him physically attractive. Of course, he always was attractive but he suddenly appeals because she respects him and cares about him. Perhaps it is as self evident to women that relationships are about companionship as it is to men that they are about physical intimacy. In fact, both are part of a long-term relationship.
“Men want friends to play with, … whereas women want friends to talk to. ” (p24 Bluffer’s guide to Women)

Men hope a lover will enhance their sexual arousal

It’s relatively easy for a woman to figure out that men want sex… but they also want to be loved and appreciated through their sexual relationship.
Men’s sexual arousal is usually easy and immediate. Despite the evidence to the contrary they like to hope that a woman feels the same way about sex that they do.
A man can feel that sex represents the most important way of demonstrating that he loves his partner.
At the same time, he perceives a woman’s enthusiasm for sex with him as confirmation of her love for him.
If a man wanted a loving, sexless relationship with a woman he would never have left his mother.
Men need sex, both physiologically and emotionally, more than women. Men’s relationships with others are not as emotionally intimate as women’s tend to be. So a man looks to the woman in his life for the emotional support he needs and sex is the mechanism that men use to express their loving emotions.
How to pleasure a man
From early on, the sensitive female lover learns how to pleasure a man, co-operating quite instinctively during intercourse by moving with the man’s rhythm.
She also learns how to play along with men’s sexual fantasies and acts out the part of the appreciative and responsive lover in order to help him reach orgasm. Sometimes a woman may caress her lover’s body or make encouraging noises to enhance the man’s arousal. Some women even exaggerate their sexual arousal to the point of faking orgasm.
This explains why in the film ‘The Duchess’, Kiera Knightley playing the virgin bride, lies inert as her husband thrusts into her on their wedding night. Women only learn over time that responding as a lover encourages the male orgasm that nearly always ends sexual activity between a man and a woman. A woman appreciates that if she continues to be unmoved by her partner’s love-making, her man will feel that he is failing to please her or that she does not love him. By contrast, the mistress in the film has learnt to make the appreciative noises that sexually experienced women often use as a male turn-on during sex.
“The fact is, we usually co-operate quite extensively during intercourse in order for the man to be able to orgasm. We move along with his rhythm, keep our legs apart and our bodies in positions that make penetration and thrusting possible, and almost never stop intercourse in midstream unless the man has had his orgasm.” (p107 The Hite Reports 1993)
Unless a woman learns how to orgasm during sex with a partner, the role of the female lover can become burdensome in long-term sexual relationships. Even if a man never explicitly acknowledges the assistance of a female lover, a woman has the reward of knowing that she has helped her partner find the sexual release that is so vital to his happiness. From a woman’s perspective, making effort to be more involved in ‘love-making’ reduces the sense of uselessness that arises from participating in a sexual act in which (without the woman’s sexual arousal and orgasm) the woman is effectively merely a bystander.

Sex experts deal with sexual dysfunction

In the film ‘Doc Hollywood’ Bridget Fonda coquettishly asks Michael J Fox, playing the young doctor, whether doctors know more about sex than other people do. This is an easy and natural mistake to make.
We tend to think of sex as if it were a mechanical or biological aspect of our bodies. In fact, there is no reason why doctors should know any more about sex than the rest of us since sex is primarily about our psychology and our emotions. There are recommended positions and techniques for sexual intercourse but ultimately sexual arousal depends on what happens in the brain.
Most of us accept our sexual relationship for what it is and only seek help if there is a major problem. This is why the vast majority of people who consult sex experts are men with sexual performance problems.
People who go to sex experts do not represent the statistical norm. They are unusual, just as I am, because most people do not go along to complete strangers in order to discuss their sexual relationship, especially when they usually have to pay by the hour to do so! It’s not easy to find answers when a woman has difficulty reaching orgasm during sex.
By the time I was twenty I had read many erotic stories describing imaginative sex play so my difficulty was not ignorance of technique. Instead I wanted to know why (although everything worked by the book for the man) my body and mind did not respond as I assumed they were supposed to. As a well-informed couple, we had tried all the foreplay techniques in the book.
The modern liberated view is that women reach orgasm during sex almost as easily as men do. The more conservative view is that a woman only find sex rewarding as part of a loving relationship. Ironically both of these approaches imply that women enjoy sexual arousal ‘naturally’ during sex and make it difficult for women to compare notes on how to orgasm with a partner.
Sexual pleasure remains very personal
When I consulted therapists in the UK, I was asking: “How do women become sufficiently aroused during sex to enable them to orgasm?” After meeting with defensiveness and incomprehension over my concerns about orgasm, I came to realise that therapists don’t know the answer to this highly personal question any more than anyone else. Why should they?
People who qualify as sex specialists learn about human sexuality through textbooks full of theories, laboratory research and detailed analysis of phenomena such as orgasm. There is no particular reason why female sex experts would have explored their own sexuality, either through masturbation or through sex with a partner, any more than the average woman.
We can all be fairly sure that a man knows how to orgasm both alone and with a partner. But many women have sex without ever knowing how to become aroused enough to orgasm. So there is no guarantee that a woman who is advising others about female orgasm even knows how to masturbate herself to orgasm; let alone how to succeed with similar techniques during sex.
Some people claim to be unembarrassed about sex but only because they discuss other people’s experiences. Very few women (even sex experts) are willing to talk about their own experiences of arousal and orgasm. In particular, no one ever discloses which physical stimulation and psychological arousal techniques they use for orgasm.
So therapists’ understanding of the average woman’s experience of orgasm is based on the findings of surveys. Unfortunately, these can be highly mis-leading: (1) given the belief that orgasm is the normal experience many women assume they orgasm when they don’t; and (2) women often interpret their sexual experiences in the light of emotional rather than sexual criteria.
Self-evidently, women’s sexual performance is not a show-stopper and so most people assume that women do not have sexual problems. Relatively few women ever consult sex clinics. How many are concerned enough about lack of orgasm to pay out over $100 an hour to find a solution? Even in my own case, I went to a clinic more for my partner’s sake than for my own.
Even though experts refer to women’s sexual dysfunction, there are no easy solutions for lack of female orgasm during sex. I was left with a sense of hopelessness: the implication was that lack of orgasm was abnormal and yet there was no apparent solution. At the same time, it was also implied that I was simply expecting too much.
The subject of women’s arousal during sex is still highly taboo due to lack of understanding so that even experts are confused when faced with couples who have unrealistic expectations beyond the average couple. It would seem that female orgasm is simply not an issue for the vast majority of couples today.

True female sexual arousal and orgasm

Any talk of sexual arousal and orgasm, usually focuses on women since men’s sexual arousal and orgasm tend to be a given.
It is unthinkable that anyone would need to tell a man how to reach orgasm. By the time they are teenagers, boys discover quite naturally how to enjoy their own sexual arousal, by looking at images of naked women. Likewise no one tells a boy that he needs to stimulate his penis if he is to bring his state of arousal to orgasm through masturbation.
Most women never masturbate and so they never learn that real female orgasms arise (just as male orgasms do) from bringing a mental state of sexual arousal to orgasm using genital stimulation of the clitoris.
Given the popular belief that female arousal and orgasm during sex are easily achieved, many women simply assume that they experience these sensations as a natural part of their sexual relationship.
Sexual arousal (using erotic images/fantasies)
We know that men achieve sexual arousal through an appreciation of eroticism (explicitly sexual images) and yet it is often implied that women’s sexual arousal arises from their loving emotions for their partner.
As if we are all as innocent as Snow White, it is rarely acknowledged that if women are to reach orgasm, they will need to make conscious effort to occupy their minds with erotic thoughts or images (a process which happens much more subconsciously for the male mind). Any woman who masturbates accepts that sexual arousal depends on these explicitly erotic concepts.
Young men transition naturally to sex because the body of a real sexual partner substitutes for the images from pornographic magazines. Imagine being a woman, who approaches sex with no hint of an erection! Men’s minds become aroused so instantaneously that we gain the impression that physical stimulation alone gives them an erection (causes sexual arousal).
Women do not react as men do to the sight of naked images (even a lover’s body). This is why women don’t pay men to do lap-dancing, pole-dancing or other sexually provocative teasing using their bodies. Women’s fantasies work well when alone but can be difficult to relate to day-to-day sexual opportunities because they are often based on quite surreal erotic scenarios.
Clitoral stimulation
The only reason anyone would stimulate their genitals (casual curiosity aside) is because they know that with sufficient levels of sexual arousal, genital stimulation leads to orgasm.
For those women who do enjoy eroticism, there is a chance that they will explore their own sexual arousal enough to discover masturbation and to make the connection between genital stimulation (of the clitoris) and orgasm.
We know that women need clitoral stimulation for orgasm from female masturbation. But even during female masturbation, clitoral stimulation only works once a woman has achieved sufficient MENTAL AROUSAL by using sexual fantasies.
The average woman does not approach sex looking for clitoral stimulation because she is unlikely to be sexually aroused enough for genital stimulation to make sense. A woman needs to know how to become mentally aroused before genital stimulation by anyone (either themselves or a partner) can be effective.
Women who masturbate know that they need to use sexual fantasies for arousal during female masturbation. Women are likely to find it much more difficult to use the same techniques during sex with a partner because of the mental focus required to reach orgasm through sexual fantasies alone.

The facts of female sexuality

(1) Women need clitoral stimulation for orgasm
The experts concluded decades ago (in the 1970’s) that the clitoral stimulation resulting from vaginal intercourse is likely to be insufficient to allow most women to orgasm.
So, it is very likely that any woman who claims easy orgasm during intercourse is mistaken. Especially given so few women masturbate and so most do not know what orgasm is. Women’s talk of the relationship and loving emotions also indicates a misunderstanding about the nature of orgasm.
Since the clitoris is the female sex organ, most women are likely to find orgasm much easier through oral or manual stimulation of the clitoris. Yet most women are shocked by the idea of masturbation and oral sex.
Relatively few women say that they enjoy female masturbation as a regular adult activity for the purpose of enjoying arousal and orgasm. So if they don’t know how to achieve their own sexual arousal and orgasm, how would they be able to reach orgasm during sex with partner?
Women who are familiar with orgasm from female masturbation, do question a lack of orgasm during sex. Unfortunately, their sexual experiences are often dismissed as being sexually inadequate because there are other women who are claiming that orgasm with a partner is easy.
I have never found that clitoral stimulation (foreplay or masturbation) helps with sexual arousal during vaginal intercourse. It would be interesting to know how many women have the same experience and also whether other women are able to overcome these difficulties with sexual arousal during sex.
(2) Women do not use images of naked men for arousal
So women use sexual fantasies during female masturbation but no one suggests what they are supposed to substitute during sex with a partner. The underlying assumption is that female sexuality means that women approach sex from a similar standpoint to men – just short of an orgasm.
Understandably, it is difficult for a man to know what it’s like to be a woman. There is nothing wrong with women just because they don’t respond sexually as men do. As long as men keep hoping that women should respond sexually as men do then they will always think women are dysfunctional.
Women use fantasy because they have to raise their arousal levels from a much lower base level than men tend to have at the start of any sexual activity (masturbation or sex). I can vouch for this in respect of female masturbation. Sadly female sexuality involves women being much less highly sexed than men.
Women are not full of testosterone (the sex hormone) and do not use images of naked men for orgasm during female masturbation (women use sexual fantasiesy). So what makes us think that they can become aroused as easily as men do during sex with a partner?
How else do women achieve orgasm with a partner unless it is through the use of fantasy? I have found no one who can explain how women are supposed to use sexual fantasies during sex.
I am asking other women to tell me whether they have been able to use fantasy during sex with a partner. If they do not use fantasy then I would be interested to know what they do use for sexual arousal.
This is not a competition. My aim is to collect more facts and information about women’s sexual experiences so that more couples can benefit from knowledge about female sexuality.