Lack of sexual arousal during sex

Intimacy with a lover makes me feel affectionate but I am rarely conscious of any sexual arousal. In fact, whether it’s sex with a partner or masturbation for that matter, I am usually pretty much stone cold in arousal terms at the start.
I might have concluded that I was frigid if it were not for the fact that I don’t see how other women are any more likely to approach sex just short of an orgasm. The female mind and body simply do not work that way. Equally I don’t see other women being any more actively interested in matters sexual than I am – in fact usually the reverse.
As I have never been able to use fantasy effectively I have always found orgasm difficult to achieve with a partner by any means, whether by using positions and techniques for sexual intercourse or through more direct clitoral stimulation, either manual or oral.
So I found it highly reassuring to read on the GoAskAlice! website that other women have also struggled with orgasm during sex. The website Go Ask Alice! is one of the few sources willing to admit that women rarely orgasm during intercourse. They suggest that women often have to settle for the emotional rewards of sex because it takes women much longer than men to become aroused.
“The vagina itself is a muscular tube of about 8 cm that, when adequately stimulated, expands to fit any size penis with ease. When your partner initially penetrates you, the muscles of the vagina contract and grip the penis. As you continue intercourse and become more turned-on, the vagina expands even further – sometimes so much so, you can’t feel his penis inside you no matter how large it is. This explains why for both partners the initial few thrusts are sometimes the most pleasurable because the vagina feels tighter. For most women, stimulation of the clitoris is necessary to orgasm. Intercourse can indirectly stimulate the clitoris through thrusting but more direct touching with fingers or a tongue is usually more effective.” (p8 Hot Sex 1998).
Attitude and expectation for your sex life
Ironically the less inhibited you are the more disappointing you are likely to find real life because you overlook the simple things like nudity. Sometimes people refer to ‘sexual intimacy’, which comes from a man and a woman sharing the intimacies of sex including nudity, allowing someone to touch the private areas of our bodies and the ultimate act of penetration.
If we were all nuns we could probably make do with sexual fantasies based on vaginal intercourse e.g. sex in public, sex with multiple partners etc. The more we read and imagine beyond the everyday, the more we are likely to need to venture into less comfortable territory. If a fantasy is to help us orgasm then it needs to encompass aspects of sex that we consider to be taboo.
When we explore sexual fantasies, we tend to start on the more innocent side and build up to the more advanced or kinky. The same goes for sex with a partner. For example, most people probably stick to straight intercourse for a first date.
Ask your partner to spend some time preparing your body for sex. Get him to shave your pubic hair completely, which can feel kinky and also makes oral sex easier for the guy. An enema can cause arousal so that even intercourse is more sensitive than normal. Try a blindfold or having your hands tied during sex. Visit a sex shop for other ideas to get the brain going.
As long as you are both keen, consider working out a schedule for building up to fisting and/or anal intercourse. Remember the golden rule with these more advanced techniques: take your time. You should expect to invest serious time in just relaxing, lubricating and exploring with a finger. Information is vital: Em and Lo’s book ‘The Big Bang’ is excellent on both of these.