Talking to women about sexual relationships

Once I found the experts had no rational explanations to offer me, I decided to embark on my own personal research by asking women I met in everyday life.
I quickly learned just how embarrassing it was to approach women on such an intimate topic. Very few women are willing to talk about sex at all and even fewer have anything to say about orgasm. The vast majority are silent so it is difficult to know what they think.
It would be nice to imagine that at least some are quietly getting on with it; too busy doing to be talking about it. But given how shocked most women are by any mention of explicit sexual activity, I question how many explore sex beyond the basics.
When I mention that I am a sex writer (only to those women I hope will not drop dead from shock at the mention of the word!) most women avoid the subject completely. They don’t even risk a commonplace comment like ‘How interesting!’ or ‘How brave!’.
This lack of confidence or embarrassment (or however you interpret being snubbed) does not convey the impression that women are happily enjoying orgasmic sex. I can only assume that women’s sexual experiences are not as sensational as we’d like to hope.
I have talked to women of varying ages. No doubt, people will tell me that I have encountered an unrepresentative group of women. One woman suggested that I must ‘live in a broom cupboard’ because of the reactions I have reported. They have no idea.
I challenge anyone who thinks differently to try approaching women they know: relatives, friends, neighbours, work colleagues, fellow holiday-makers etc. What is difficult to appreciate until you try this for real, is just how embarrassing it is to ask anyone about their personal experiences of sex.
Most women have no comment on the subject of orgasm
Many people claim to be relaxed about sex but they run a mile if you ask for details. Likewise women may joke together as a group and compare notes over their lovers’ sexual performance but never their own. The women who were brave enough to talk to me admitted that they never divulged the same details even to their closest friends.
Most women never comment on the popular image of female sexuality. So the views of the more vocal minority win the day. Even young women can be shocked by references to female masturbation and clitoral stimulation. Older women assume that only men and lesbians masturbate and clearly have no idea why a heterosexual woman might want to stimulate her genitals.
A young woman in her mid-twenties told me that she was too embarrassed to talk to anyone about her inability to orgasm during sex. She had assumed that it was her boyfriend’s fault and that perhaps she didn’t love him enough. Only once I told her some of the facts that might explain her experience was she brave enough to mention the issue to her mother.
Her mother, a medical doctor, responded (with slight bravado given her previous silence): “Of course you don’t orgasm during sex!” Some women are happy to accept such conclusions without questioning.
Others want to understand why popular beliefs are so misleading. I certainly did. Unfortunately so often, it isn’t done to ask why because people feel uncomfortable when they have no answers.
One woman told me that she would never allow young people to have sex in her house. I did not understand why since the traditional issues no longer apply. Yet it was clearly impolite to ask for an explanation because of the sensitivity of the subject.
Anyone who doubts that these attitudes exist should get out of their own broom cupboard. When a young boy said: “My parents told me that’s disgusting!” my heart-rate shot up instantly. The taboo of sex causes emotions to run high whatever our beliefs.