Women's sexual arousal

Published in 1972, ‘Joy of Sex’ by Alex Comfort MD was revolutionary at the time because it suggested a new openness and a sense of fun in modern sexual relationships. Liberal-minded couples welcomed the idea that it could now be considered normal and ‘uninhibited’ to enjoy sex as a natural part of an adult relationship.
Drawings, as opposed to photographs, portrayed the physical intimacy between two lovers sensitively and attractively. This tasteful presentation of a couple’s sex life avoided any potential concerns that the book might be pornographic in nature, making it attractive to couples and to women in particular.
In fact, Alex Comfort never ran a sex therapy practice and so he was not presenting a heavily researched view of sex. He was offering suggestions, based on his own sex life (with his much younger mistress – not his wife), for how other couples might bring some variety to sex. ‘Joy of Sex’ documents a man’s appreciation of eroticism and the activities that he found pleasurable.
The book is not explicit about the woman’s arousal and my mistake was to assume that the relationship illustrated was based on equality between the sexes. As a woman approaching sex with an expectation for orgasm, I assumed that a woman would only participate in a modern sexual relationship on the basis that she obtained the same sexual pleasure as the man.
A woman can have sex for years without ever experiencing sexual arousal or orgasm. This explains why the average age to come out is 17 years old for gay men but 40 years old for gay women. Of course, a woman’s sexual fantasies might cause her to suspect she is lesbian earlier than this. But lesbian women marry and have children just as successfully as heterosexual women because female orgasm is not required for her either to participate in a sexual relationship or for reproduction.
Sexual relationships are not based on equal sexual pleasure
In general sex manuals can be misleading because they tend to describe the physical activities of intercourse, or masturbation for that matter, without simultaneously discussing what is happening in the person’s head. The implication is that the physical sensations of sex fully occupy the woman’s mind throughout and create by themselves the level of sexual arousal required to experience orgasm. In other words, the assumption is that women respond sexually just as men do.
The fact that women take much longer to become aroused may be acknowledged but it is rarely explained why this should be or what the consequences might be for a sexual relationship. Usually any difficulties with the woman’s orgasm are overlooked or dismissed as insignificant.
“Frigidity – This does not mean failure to enjoy sex when one is dead with fatigue… Nor does it mean failure to get a mind-blowing orgasm on every single occasion. If it does mean these things, every woman is frigid. …” (p198 Joy of Sex 1972)
Perhaps all that is missing from ‘Joy of Sex’ is simply an acknowledgement of how much more difficult it is for a woman to apply her sexual fantasies to sex with a partner. Ironically, although it may suit men to have the visual benefits of covers off and lights on, women may be the opposite. I close my eyes during masturbation to focus on fantasy and during sex I also prefer subdued lighting to blot out the everyday world so that I can fully absorb myself in enjoying my physical arousal.