When I could find no answers from talking to experts, I decided to embark on research of my own and talk to women I came across in everyday life.
I did this by writing down some of my experiences and conclusions and then asking women whether they would be willing to read what I had written. I made it clear that there was no obligation for my reviewers to comment.
Perhaps the first point to remark on is just how difficult it is to decide who one can ask to comment (or not) on one’s own personal experiences. I found that there were in fact very few women who I would be brave enough even to ask.
It is much more widely accepted that men are rarely offended by any sexual references. It is much less certain that a woman will not be offended. Even making an approach on such a taboo subject can easily come across as at least odd, if not perverted.
I only approached women who I thought might have a sense of humour about sex. So even if they were not interested they wouldn’t be mortally offended. Even having selected women in this way, the fact is that very few were prepared to comment.
Silence is difficult to interpret. Were they shocked, angry or embarrassed? I’ll never know.
“Many women find it very difficult to talk about sex with their male partners. More than a quarter of the women with whom I have discussed the subject say that they never talk to their partners about things they might do to improve lovemaking.” (p117 Woman’s Experience of Sex 1983)
Women’s experiences are implied as much as stated
Of those who did comment they probably fell into five groups.
(1) Those who were ’shocked’ by explicitly sexual behaviour. They implied that a woman’s sexual experiences should more properly revolve around her relationship with a partner. See sex stories: A sexual relationship and Female masturbation is relatively uncommon.
(2) Those who were confident that orgasm during sex just ‘happens’ the first time and every time. They drew comfort from popular beliefs about female sexuality and often implied that, surely, every woman should orgasm with a lover. See the sex stories: Bluffers, fakers and sex surveys and Some women never tune into eroticism.
(3) Those who were the sexually ‘jaded’. One woman in her late thirties, career and no children, refused to discuss her experiences. She said that all her friends agreed that women don’t get anything out of sex. Women accept sex because they want a relationship with a man (usually for reasons of companionship or family).
(4) Those who had the same experience as me and could only orgasm from masturbation alone. See sex stories Young women often don’t know how to orgasm and Sex advice for women is often misleading.
(5) Those who were confident about orgasm and were able to explain their experiences. These women were relatively relaxed about talking about orgasm. A couple of these explained orgasm with a partner either (A) by masturbation or (B) by using a position. They recognised the need for clitoral stimulation and also admitted to using fantasies during sex for arousal.
(A) Women who masturbate during intercourse: The two women I have spoken to who had this experience (see stories Applying orgasm techniques to sex and Reaching orgasm) learnt to combine masturbation and sex from very early days so perhaps their fantasies map more easily onto reality.
(B) Women who find a position for intercourse: One woman described this experience to me (see the story Positions and techniques for sexual intercourse) but I wonder whether women who are used to more direct clitoral stimulation from masturbation would be able to use this approach.
Friday 16 October 2009
Female sexuality in perspective
Wikipedia notes that humans are one of the few species known to have intercourse even when the female is not in estrus (the most fertile period of time in the female’s reproductive cycle).
Intelligent social animals learn that cooperative behaviour can be far more successful than that of any individual alone. Hence the Wikipedia entry concludes that, for humans, the use of sex has evolved beyond reproduction to reinforce strong emotional bonds between sexual partners important in long-term sexual relationships.
So humans have sex for a variety of reasons:
recreational: enjoyment of sexual pleasure;
bonding: emotional intimacy to support longer-term sexual relationships (deferred reproductive); and
reproductive: directly seeking to achieve pregnancy.
Individuals are motivated by each of these to varying degrees. Our social history indicates that men are more likely to benefit from enjoying sexual pleasure. After all, only men are motivated to pay for sex. Whereas women are more likely to benefit from the emotional intimacy that keeps a man motivated to support the family.
Reproduction is the main purpose of sex
With all the hype about sexual pleasure it is easy to forget that the PRIME purpose of sex is to reproduce. This involves not only a man impregnating a woman but also the provision of a PROTECTED environment in which a child can hope to reach maturity.
Even today a woman benefits from having the protection of a strong and capable man. So a woman chooses a man who is likely to be able to protect her and a family against the threat from other human males as well as other dangers. Sex provides an emotional intimacy that makes a relationship more stable and more capable of sustaining children in the future.
If a woman wanted sex the same way that men do, they might be tempted to have sex with many different men even when they have children. But who would support them while they are raising all the resulting children? A man wants to know that a child is his before his is likely to be willing to contribute towards its upkeep.
A human female needs to be able to offer a mate the sexual interaction he needs so that he does not seek sex elsewhere. Now we might think that Nature would ensure this by causing sex to be equally pleasurable for men and women. The fact is that there is no need for this because women already have enough incentive: the survival of themselves and their children.
Kiera Knightley stars in the film ‘The Duchess’ in the title role as the Duchess of Devonshire (1757 – 1806). The story portrays the duchess in a loveless marriage under obligation to provide a male heir for her husband. She falls in love with another man but if she spends her life with him she loses the right to live with her children.
Given the choice between sexual pleasure with the man she loves and her children, she chooses to raise her children. Many men are perplexed when women lose interest in sex once their family is complete. Ultimately, the prime purpose of female sexuality is for a woman is to raise a family.
Intelligent social animals learn that cooperative behaviour can be far more successful than that of any individual alone. Hence the Wikipedia entry concludes that, for humans, the use of sex has evolved beyond reproduction to reinforce strong emotional bonds between sexual partners important in long-term sexual relationships.
So humans have sex for a variety of reasons:
recreational: enjoyment of sexual pleasure;
bonding: emotional intimacy to support longer-term sexual relationships (deferred reproductive); and
reproductive: directly seeking to achieve pregnancy.
Individuals are motivated by each of these to varying degrees. Our social history indicates that men are more likely to benefit from enjoying sexual pleasure. After all, only men are motivated to pay for sex. Whereas women are more likely to benefit from the emotional intimacy that keeps a man motivated to support the family.
Reproduction is the main purpose of sex
With all the hype about sexual pleasure it is easy to forget that the PRIME purpose of sex is to reproduce. This involves not only a man impregnating a woman but also the provision of a PROTECTED environment in which a child can hope to reach maturity.
Even today a woman benefits from having the protection of a strong and capable man. So a woman chooses a man who is likely to be able to protect her and a family against the threat from other human males as well as other dangers. Sex provides an emotional intimacy that makes a relationship more stable and more capable of sustaining children in the future.
If a woman wanted sex the same way that men do, they might be tempted to have sex with many different men even when they have children. But who would support them while they are raising all the resulting children? A man wants to know that a child is his before his is likely to be willing to contribute towards its upkeep.
A human female needs to be able to offer a mate the sexual interaction he needs so that he does not seek sex elsewhere. Now we might think that Nature would ensure this by causing sex to be equally pleasurable for men and women. The fact is that there is no need for this because women already have enough incentive: the survival of themselves and their children.
Kiera Knightley stars in the film ‘The Duchess’ in the title role as the Duchess of Devonshire (1757 – 1806). The story portrays the duchess in a loveless marriage under obligation to provide a male heir for her husband. She falls in love with another man but if she spends her life with him she loses the right to live with her children.
Given the choice between sexual pleasure with the man she loves and her children, she chooses to raise her children. Many men are perplexed when women lose interest in sex once their family is complete. Ultimately, the prime purpose of female sexuality is for a woman is to raise a family.
Female sexual pleasure is not required for successful reproduction
I have questioned my sexual experiences since the very first time I had sex. It has amazed me that more women don’t question.
We have known since the 1970’s that vaginal intercourse doesn’t provide sufficient PHYSICAL stimulation (of the clitoris) for orgasm.
My stumbling block was even more fundamental. How do women achieve the PSYCHOLOGICAL arousal needed for orgasm during sex?
Over the years, I have found very few women who seem bothered that sex is unlikely to provide female orgasm. I understand that women who never masturbate are not motivated by orgasm. I am targeting women who are familiar with orgasm from masturbation and who are interested in experiencing something similar with a partner.
Women do not become aroused enough for orgasm simply by looking at the naked male body. If we did, then we would also pay to enjoy the sight of the male body as men do through lap-dancing and pole-dancing bars. Equally, women would buy pornographic magazines (as men do) to enjoy looking at pictures of naked men.
Men learn from masturbation that their sexual arousal arises from an appreciation of pictures of naked women, especially their sexual attributes. This enables men to become easily aroused during sex with a partner.
Women learn from masturbation that their sexual arousal arises from an appreciation of eroticism, through sexual fantasies. These are complex psychological scenarios that involve the behaviour and personalities of imagined characters.
A high level of focus is needed to reach orgasm from sexual fantasies alone. Not only is it difficult to achieve the necessary focus in the presence of another person, even a lover, but such a mental block-out is frankly incompatible when ‘making love’ with a partner.
Men’s psychological arousal is almost instant partly because their bodies are full of the sex hormone, testosterone. Sex has been designed to facilitate male orgasm, which helps provide men with some of the motivation to support a family.
Women’s sexual role (during sex with a partner) remains what it always was:
To accept a man’s desire for physical intimacy as his sign of devotion to her;
To provide a man with sexual pleasure by facilitating male orgasm ; and
By appreciating a man’s love-making, to provide the emotional intimacy that motivates him to support a family.
This explains the contradiction of rape. How can an act that is supposed to be spontaneously pleasurably also inflict so much misery on women? Men are not victims of rape (through vaginal intercourse) as women are because intercourse is an act of male sexual dominance. A woman accepts this sexual subordination only once she has identified a man as a potential mate.
Female orgasm is not required for reproduction. Whether we like it or not, orgasm represents a much smaller part of the wider picture of female sexuality. Luckily women do not have a biological drive to reach orgasm (as men do) so, without an expectation for orgasm, they have nothing to miss.
Women’s modern day interest in orgasm comes from the expectations that were set during the sexual revolution. This has also increased the pressure from men who have always hoped that women might be as enthusiastic about sex as they are.
We have known since the 1970’s that vaginal intercourse doesn’t provide sufficient PHYSICAL stimulation (of the clitoris) for orgasm.
My stumbling block was even more fundamental. How do women achieve the PSYCHOLOGICAL arousal needed for orgasm during sex?
Over the years, I have found very few women who seem bothered that sex is unlikely to provide female orgasm. I understand that women who never masturbate are not motivated by orgasm. I am targeting women who are familiar with orgasm from masturbation and who are interested in experiencing something similar with a partner.
Women do not become aroused enough for orgasm simply by looking at the naked male body. If we did, then we would also pay to enjoy the sight of the male body as men do through lap-dancing and pole-dancing bars. Equally, women would buy pornographic magazines (as men do) to enjoy looking at pictures of naked men.
Men learn from masturbation that their sexual arousal arises from an appreciation of pictures of naked women, especially their sexual attributes. This enables men to become easily aroused during sex with a partner.
Women learn from masturbation that their sexual arousal arises from an appreciation of eroticism, through sexual fantasies. These are complex psychological scenarios that involve the behaviour and personalities of imagined characters.
A high level of focus is needed to reach orgasm from sexual fantasies alone. Not only is it difficult to achieve the necessary focus in the presence of another person, even a lover, but such a mental block-out is frankly incompatible when ‘making love’ with a partner.
Men’s psychological arousal is almost instant partly because their bodies are full of the sex hormone, testosterone. Sex has been designed to facilitate male orgasm, which helps provide men with some of the motivation to support a family.
Women’s sexual role (during sex with a partner) remains what it always was:
To accept a man’s desire for physical intimacy as his sign of devotion to her;
To provide a man with sexual pleasure by facilitating male orgasm ; and
By appreciating a man’s love-making, to provide the emotional intimacy that motivates him to support a family.
This explains the contradiction of rape. How can an act that is supposed to be spontaneously pleasurably also inflict so much misery on women? Men are not victims of rape (through vaginal intercourse) as women are because intercourse is an act of male sexual dominance. A woman accepts this sexual subordination only once she has identified a man as a potential mate.
Female orgasm is not required for reproduction. Whether we like it or not, orgasm represents a much smaller part of the wider picture of female sexuality. Luckily women do not have a biological drive to reach orgasm (as men do) so, without an expectation for orgasm, they have nothing to miss.
Women’s modern day interest in orgasm comes from the expectations that were set during the sexual revolution. This has also increased the pressure from men who have always hoped that women might be as enthusiastic about sex as they are.
Sexual arousal during intercourse
When I had sex for the first time, I was disappointed because I had hoped that sex would be spontaneously arousing enough for me to orgasm. I didn’t have any clear idea about what I would do during sex except perhaps to respond affectionately to my lover’s love-making.
It’s amazing when you think of it. I was eighteen years old and a virgin so my vagina was as tight as it was ever likely to be. Yet I couldn’t feel a thing from thrusting, not even when my partner’s penis initially penetrated me. I was waiting for something to happen and suddenly it was all over.
Even subsequent times I was none the wiser. Naturally, we experimented with oral sex as well as different positions and techniques for sexual intercourse but nothing worked. Sex was so far from providing sexual arousal that it was hard to imagine what would make a difference.
Although I knew how to orgasm from masturbation, this was of little use to me. Masturbation was a solitary experience relying on being highly focused on sexual fantasies. Sex with a partner was completely different. For one, the environment was incompatible with the use of fantasies.
Erotic literature had given me absolute faith that foreplay and vaginal intercourse would provide guaranteed spontaneous sexual arousal and orgasm. So I just lay there, like a lemon, waiting to be transported to the heights of sexual pleasure assuming no need to contribute in any way.
Despite searching for answers for over ten years, so far no one has been able to explain them at all. When I have told them that my boyfriend remarked, that other virgins had made the same comment, the most usual reaction is silence. I am told that if I read so-and-so I would realise that my experience cannot be. They imply that no one else has the same experience.
Therapists conclude that since other women say nothing they must be happy with sex. There is little acknowledgement of just how embarrassed most people are about discussing their sexual experiences. I can vouch for the fact that even when a person is relatively relaxed about sex (as I have been) the humiliation of the implied sexual inadequacy is a very effective silencer.
So women learn to accept their sexual experiences for what they are. They make the best of it for the sake of their partner. Sex becomes an activity to be ‘gotten over with’. Sexual arousal is implied or faked depending on pressure from the man.
As a more experienced woman I now know that a woman plays along with men’s sexual fantasies, in part, to minimise her own investment of effort in an activity that is not designed to provide women with an equal sexual pleasure.
After all, it’s human nature… Why spend half an hour when you only need to spend a couple of minutes? Even prostitutes know the value of time (and, of course, money). It is much more efficient for a woman to play along with a man’s fantasies of arousing a woman so that he orgasms quickly.
In the end, men are directly looking for sexual pleasure (orgasm in particular) but women are, more often, willing to settle for affection and the emotional aspects of sexual relationships.
It’s amazing when you think of it. I was eighteen years old and a virgin so my vagina was as tight as it was ever likely to be. Yet I couldn’t feel a thing from thrusting, not even when my partner’s penis initially penetrated me. I was waiting for something to happen and suddenly it was all over.
Even subsequent times I was none the wiser. Naturally, we experimented with oral sex as well as different positions and techniques for sexual intercourse but nothing worked. Sex was so far from providing sexual arousal that it was hard to imagine what would make a difference.
Although I knew how to orgasm from masturbation, this was of little use to me. Masturbation was a solitary experience relying on being highly focused on sexual fantasies. Sex with a partner was completely different. For one, the environment was incompatible with the use of fantasies.
Erotic literature had given me absolute faith that foreplay and vaginal intercourse would provide guaranteed spontaneous sexual arousal and orgasm. So I just lay there, like a lemon, waiting to be transported to the heights of sexual pleasure assuming no need to contribute in any way.
Despite searching for answers for over ten years, so far no one has been able to explain them at all. When I have told them that my boyfriend remarked, that other virgins had made the same comment, the most usual reaction is silence. I am told that if I read so-and-so I would realise that my experience cannot be. They imply that no one else has the same experience.
Therapists conclude that since other women say nothing they must be happy with sex. There is little acknowledgement of just how embarrassed most people are about discussing their sexual experiences. I can vouch for the fact that even when a person is relatively relaxed about sex (as I have been) the humiliation of the implied sexual inadequacy is a very effective silencer.
So women learn to accept their sexual experiences for what they are. They make the best of it for the sake of their partner. Sex becomes an activity to be ‘gotten over with’. Sexual arousal is implied or faked depending on pressure from the man.
As a more experienced woman I now know that a woman plays along with men’s sexual fantasies, in part, to minimise her own investment of effort in an activity that is not designed to provide women with an equal sexual pleasure.
After all, it’s human nature… Why spend half an hour when you only need to spend a couple of minutes? Even prostitutes know the value of time (and, of course, money). It is much more efficient for a woman to play along with a man’s fantasies of arousing a woman so that he orgasms quickly.
In the end, men are directly looking for sexual pleasure (orgasm in particular) but women are, more often, willing to settle for affection and the emotional aspects of sexual relationships.
Women who fake orgasm
Men tell me that they are sure that ALL the women they sleep with orgasm during sex. But that’s kind of what faking orgasm is about, isn’t it? It if wasn’t convincing then what would be the point?
If men want to know the truth then I suggest sleeping around a bit more and not always with sexually experienced women. Virgins are much more likely to be disappointed that intercourse does not lead to female sexual arousal.
Very few virgins approach sex realising that a woman might need to exaggerate her true sexual arousal during sex. Women learn over time to fake orgasm because men expect them to be moved by their love-making.
If my partner is keen but my mind is not tuned into erotic thoughts enough for me to want to engage on anything naughtier then we ‘make love’.
My partner enjoys vaginal intercourse for the full-frontal access to my body and the turn-on of penetration. Mostly we use the missionary position. Sometimes I lift my legs up so that he has better access to my open body and I hug my legs around his back. Occasionally we use other positions for intercourse, such as, woman on top or doggy style from behind.
We both enjoy intimate kissing and sensual touching. I run my hands over his back and squeeze his buttocks perhaps pulling him towards me. I tense my pelvic floor muscles to squeeze his penis inside me, which increases the stimulation of his penis.
I enjoy mild sensations of arousal, especially when my partner’s groin grinds into my clitoris. I accept that intercourse is not arousing enough for orgasm. It is simply a loving and sensual act that I share with my partner primarily for his sexual pleasure.
“Sometimes they can choose to take a long time so that she gets her orgasm, and at other times, when she is not in the mood for an orgasm, he can enjoy the unrestrained freedom of just going for his orgasm.” (p73 Mars & Venus in the Bedroom 1995)
When I do orgasm (from anal penetration) my partner knows because he can feel the pelvic muscles contracting.
Men’s expectations cause women to fake orgasm
It is men’s modern expectation that female orgasm should occur during intercourse that causes women to fake. After all, the phenomenon of faking has only arisen since the sexual revolution that said that all women should orgasm during sex.
Rachel Swift explains the problem: “There are many reasons. By far the most common is that we fear to display our so-called ‘inadequacy’ in not being able to climax. We are afraid of being labelled ‘frigid’.” (p172 Women’s Pleasure 1993)
Rachel adds: “Another important reason why women fake their orgasm is the fear of upsetting their partner. Many men anxiously insist that the woman must have satisfaction.” (p173 Women’s Pleasure 1993)
The trouble with faking is that it is a one-way street. Once you have led a man to believe that sex is orgasmic it’s a little difficult to make a confession. If a woman hasn’t the guts to admit it first time around then she is unlikely to confess later on.
Even if a woman wanted to be honest, she still has the problem of how to respond during sex. Men want a partner to be enthusiastic for them to enjoy sex. A willingness to engage on fantasy sex play is what makes a woman ‘good in bed’.
If a woman just lies there then sex is likely to last longer, which is not necessarily in her interests if she knows that intercourse does not lead to sexual arousal. Many men assume that women will assist with their sexual arousal as a matter of course.
Women are likely to need to fake orgasm during intercourse because the vagina (as part of the birth canal) has very few nerve endings. The clitoris (as the female sex organ) is much more sensitive. Basically, you have to touch what works.
If men want to know the truth then I suggest sleeping around a bit more and not always with sexually experienced women. Virgins are much more likely to be disappointed that intercourse does not lead to female sexual arousal.
Very few virgins approach sex realising that a woman might need to exaggerate her true sexual arousal during sex. Women learn over time to fake orgasm because men expect them to be moved by their love-making.
If my partner is keen but my mind is not tuned into erotic thoughts enough for me to want to engage on anything naughtier then we ‘make love’.
My partner enjoys vaginal intercourse for the full-frontal access to my body and the turn-on of penetration. Mostly we use the missionary position. Sometimes I lift my legs up so that he has better access to my open body and I hug my legs around his back. Occasionally we use other positions for intercourse, such as, woman on top or doggy style from behind.
We both enjoy intimate kissing and sensual touching. I run my hands over his back and squeeze his buttocks perhaps pulling him towards me. I tense my pelvic floor muscles to squeeze his penis inside me, which increases the stimulation of his penis.
I enjoy mild sensations of arousal, especially when my partner’s groin grinds into my clitoris. I accept that intercourse is not arousing enough for orgasm. It is simply a loving and sensual act that I share with my partner primarily for his sexual pleasure.
“Sometimes they can choose to take a long time so that she gets her orgasm, and at other times, when she is not in the mood for an orgasm, he can enjoy the unrestrained freedom of just going for his orgasm.” (p73 Mars & Venus in the Bedroom 1995)
When I do orgasm (from anal penetration) my partner knows because he can feel the pelvic muscles contracting.
Men’s expectations cause women to fake orgasm
It is men’s modern expectation that female orgasm should occur during intercourse that causes women to fake. After all, the phenomenon of faking has only arisen since the sexual revolution that said that all women should orgasm during sex.
Rachel Swift explains the problem: “There are many reasons. By far the most common is that we fear to display our so-called ‘inadequacy’ in not being able to climax. We are afraid of being labelled ‘frigid’.” (p172 Women’s Pleasure 1993)
Rachel adds: “Another important reason why women fake their orgasm is the fear of upsetting their partner. Many men anxiously insist that the woman must have satisfaction.” (p173 Women’s Pleasure 1993)
The trouble with faking is that it is a one-way street. Once you have led a man to believe that sex is orgasmic it’s a little difficult to make a confession. If a woman hasn’t the guts to admit it first time around then she is unlikely to confess later on.
Even if a woman wanted to be honest, she still has the problem of how to respond during sex. Men want a partner to be enthusiastic for them to enjoy sex. A willingness to engage on fantasy sex play is what makes a woman ‘good in bed’.
If a woman just lies there then sex is likely to last longer, which is not necessarily in her interests if she knows that intercourse does not lead to sexual arousal. Many men assume that women will assist with their sexual arousal as a matter of course.
Women are likely to need to fake orgasm during intercourse because the vagina (as part of the birth canal) has very few nerve endings. The clitoris (as the female sex organ) is much more sensitive. Basically, you have to touch what works.
Sexual arousal arises from an appreciation of eroticism
Much of what is known about female orgasm comes from women’s experience of masturbation. I found Shere Hite’s conclusions useful because they accorded with my own experience.
Shere Hite compared female masturbation with vaginal intercourse to explain why the lack of genital simulation (of the clitoris) would be likely to make it difficult for women to reach orgasm with a partner.
It did not explain why I have never been able to orgasm from clitoral stimulation with a partner, for example, purely from manual stimulation of the clitoris or through oral sex. Of course, the other characteristic of masturbation that is missing during sex is fantasy. That is unless a woman finds a way to incorporate sexual fantasies into her sex life.
It was some time before I came across the fact indicated by surveys that many women do use fantasy to orgasm during sex with a partner. Frankly I was amazed because this was something I had never really considered. The context of sex with a partner was inappropriate for my use of fantasy, which required a highly focused state of mind.
“Many times sexual fantasies are used to induce or enhance sexual arousal, and while fantasies are often combined with masturbation to provide a source of turn-on when a partner is not available, fantasies are also extremely common during sexual activity with someone else. For instance, one study of 212 married women found that sex fantasies help many women achieve sexual arousal and/or orgasm during sexual intercourse.” (p416 Human Sexuality (fifth edition) 1995)
Women use sexual fantasies both alone and with a partner
The realisation that some women do use fantasy during sex (and I was able to confirm this with a few of the woman I spoke to) allowed me to see a parallel with my experience of orgasm from masturbation. I realised that although I used clitoral stimulation during masturbation it only worked when combined with the use of sexual fantasies.
Sheila Kitzinger made the point that sex, especially sexual arousal, is primarily in the brain. I then realised that most accounts of sex focus heavily on PHYSICAL stimulation techniques and that PSYCHOLOGICAL arousal tends to be simply assumed or overlooked. I concluded that this is probably because psychological sexual arousal for men is usually a given.
My suggestion is that just as men need EROTIC IMAGES and stimulation of the PENIS for orgasm, women need EROTIC STORIES and stimulation of the CLITORIS for orgasm. This is my explanation of how I have reached that conclusion and how it fits with men’s experiences of sexual arousal and orgasm.
It makes sense that women will need to use fantasy more than men to reach orgasm during sex. Women have much lower levels of testosterone, the hormone that boosts sex drive. Also the naked male body does not cause women to become aroused enough for orgasm (otherwise women would buy porn as men do).
There is no logical reason why sexual fantasies should not be a part of our sex life (whether or not admitted to a partner). This conclusion helps explain why foreplay techniques may not be as effective as we would hope because, just as during female masturbation, women’s sexual arousal relies on sexual fantasies.
Shere Hite compared female masturbation with vaginal intercourse to explain why the lack of genital simulation (of the clitoris) would be likely to make it difficult for women to reach orgasm with a partner.
It did not explain why I have never been able to orgasm from clitoral stimulation with a partner, for example, purely from manual stimulation of the clitoris or through oral sex. Of course, the other characteristic of masturbation that is missing during sex is fantasy. That is unless a woman finds a way to incorporate sexual fantasies into her sex life.
It was some time before I came across the fact indicated by surveys that many women do use fantasy to orgasm during sex with a partner. Frankly I was amazed because this was something I had never really considered. The context of sex with a partner was inappropriate for my use of fantasy, which required a highly focused state of mind.
“Many times sexual fantasies are used to induce or enhance sexual arousal, and while fantasies are often combined with masturbation to provide a source of turn-on when a partner is not available, fantasies are also extremely common during sexual activity with someone else. For instance, one study of 212 married women found that sex fantasies help many women achieve sexual arousal and/or orgasm during sexual intercourse.” (p416 Human Sexuality (fifth edition) 1995)
Women use sexual fantasies both alone and with a partner
The realisation that some women do use fantasy during sex (and I was able to confirm this with a few of the woman I spoke to) allowed me to see a parallel with my experience of orgasm from masturbation. I realised that although I used clitoral stimulation during masturbation it only worked when combined with the use of sexual fantasies.
Sheila Kitzinger made the point that sex, especially sexual arousal, is primarily in the brain. I then realised that most accounts of sex focus heavily on PHYSICAL stimulation techniques and that PSYCHOLOGICAL arousal tends to be simply assumed or overlooked. I concluded that this is probably because psychological sexual arousal for men is usually a given.
My suggestion is that just as men need EROTIC IMAGES and stimulation of the PENIS for orgasm, women need EROTIC STORIES and stimulation of the CLITORIS for orgasm. This is my explanation of how I have reached that conclusion and how it fits with men’s experiences of sexual arousal and orgasm.
It makes sense that women will need to use fantasy more than men to reach orgasm during sex. Women have much lower levels of testosterone, the hormone that boosts sex drive. Also the naked male body does not cause women to become aroused enough for orgasm (otherwise women would buy porn as men do).
There is no logical reason why sexual fantasies should not be a part of our sex life (whether or not admitted to a partner). This conclusion helps explain why foreplay techniques may not be as effective as we would hope because, just as during female masturbation, women’s sexual arousal relies on sexual fantasies.
Talking to women about sexual relationships
Once I found the experts had no rational explanations to offer me, I decided to embark on my own personal research by asking women I met in everyday life.
I quickly learned just how embarrassing it was to approach women on such an intimate topic. Very few women are willing to talk about sex at all and even fewer have anything to say about orgasm. The vast majority are silent so it is difficult to know what they think.
It would be nice to imagine that at least some are quietly getting on with it; too busy doing to be talking about it. But given how shocked most women are by any mention of explicit sexual activity, I question how many explore sex beyond the basics.
When I mention that I am a sex writer (only to those women I hope will not drop dead from shock at the mention of the word!) most women avoid the subject completely. They don’t even risk a commonplace comment like ‘How interesting!’ or ‘How brave!’.
This lack of confidence or embarrassment (or however you interpret being snubbed) does not convey the impression that women are happily enjoying orgasmic sex. I can only assume that women’s sexual experiences are not as sensational as we’d like to hope.
I have talked to women of varying ages. No doubt, people will tell me that I have encountered an unrepresentative group of women. One woman suggested that I must ‘live in a broom cupboard’ because of the reactions I have reported. They have no idea.
I challenge anyone who thinks differently to try approaching women they know: relatives, friends, neighbours, work colleagues, fellow holiday-makers etc. What is difficult to appreciate until you try this for real, is just how embarrassing it is to ask anyone about their personal experiences of sex.
Most women have no comment on the subject of orgasm
Many people claim to be relaxed about sex but they run a mile if you ask for details. Likewise women may joke together as a group and compare notes over their lovers’ sexual performance but never their own. The women who were brave enough to talk to me admitted that they never divulged the same details even to their closest friends.
Most women never comment on the popular image of female sexuality. So the views of the more vocal minority win the day. Even young women can be shocked by references to female masturbation and clitoral stimulation. Older women assume that only men and lesbians masturbate and clearly have no idea why a heterosexual woman might want to stimulate her genitals.
A young woman in her mid-twenties told me that she was too embarrassed to talk to anyone about her inability to orgasm during sex. She had assumed that it was her boyfriend’s fault and that perhaps she didn’t love him enough. Only once I told her some of the facts that might explain her experience was she brave enough to mention the issue to her mother.
Her mother, a medical doctor, responded (with slight bravado given her previous silence): “Of course you don’t orgasm during sex!” Some women are happy to accept such conclusions without questioning.
Others want to understand why popular beliefs are so misleading. I certainly did. Unfortunately so often, it isn’t done to ask why because people feel uncomfortable when they have no answers.
One woman told me that she would never allow young people to have sex in her house. I did not understand why since the traditional issues no longer apply. Yet it was clearly impolite to ask for an explanation because of the sensitivity of the subject.
Anyone who doubts that these attitudes exist should get out of their own broom cupboard. When a young boy said: “My parents told me that’s disgusting!” my heart-rate shot up instantly. The taboo of sex causes emotions to run high whatever our beliefs.
I quickly learned just how embarrassing it was to approach women on such an intimate topic. Very few women are willing to talk about sex at all and even fewer have anything to say about orgasm. The vast majority are silent so it is difficult to know what they think.
It would be nice to imagine that at least some are quietly getting on with it; too busy doing to be talking about it. But given how shocked most women are by any mention of explicit sexual activity, I question how many explore sex beyond the basics.
When I mention that I am a sex writer (only to those women I hope will not drop dead from shock at the mention of the word!) most women avoid the subject completely. They don’t even risk a commonplace comment like ‘How interesting!’ or ‘How brave!’.
This lack of confidence or embarrassment (or however you interpret being snubbed) does not convey the impression that women are happily enjoying orgasmic sex. I can only assume that women’s sexual experiences are not as sensational as we’d like to hope.
I have talked to women of varying ages. No doubt, people will tell me that I have encountered an unrepresentative group of women. One woman suggested that I must ‘live in a broom cupboard’ because of the reactions I have reported. They have no idea.
I challenge anyone who thinks differently to try approaching women they know: relatives, friends, neighbours, work colleagues, fellow holiday-makers etc. What is difficult to appreciate until you try this for real, is just how embarrassing it is to ask anyone about their personal experiences of sex.
Most women have no comment on the subject of orgasm
Many people claim to be relaxed about sex but they run a mile if you ask for details. Likewise women may joke together as a group and compare notes over their lovers’ sexual performance but never their own. The women who were brave enough to talk to me admitted that they never divulged the same details even to their closest friends.
Most women never comment on the popular image of female sexuality. So the views of the more vocal minority win the day. Even young women can be shocked by references to female masturbation and clitoral stimulation. Older women assume that only men and lesbians masturbate and clearly have no idea why a heterosexual woman might want to stimulate her genitals.
A young woman in her mid-twenties told me that she was too embarrassed to talk to anyone about her inability to orgasm during sex. She had assumed that it was her boyfriend’s fault and that perhaps she didn’t love him enough. Only once I told her some of the facts that might explain her experience was she brave enough to mention the issue to her mother.
Her mother, a medical doctor, responded (with slight bravado given her previous silence): “Of course you don’t orgasm during sex!” Some women are happy to accept such conclusions without questioning.
Others want to understand why popular beliefs are so misleading. I certainly did. Unfortunately so often, it isn’t done to ask why because people feel uncomfortable when they have no answers.
One woman told me that she would never allow young people to have sex in her house. I did not understand why since the traditional issues no longer apply. Yet it was clearly impolite to ask for an explanation because of the sensitivity of the subject.
Anyone who doubts that these attitudes exist should get out of their own broom cupboard. When a young boy said: “My parents told me that’s disgusting!” my heart-rate shot up instantly. The taboo of sex causes emotions to run high whatever our beliefs.
Sexual intercourse does not facilitate female orgasm
Men’s sexual arousal is usually easy, which gives them a natural advantage. As a consequence, while men can usually hope for orgasm from their sexual encounters, most women have to settle for the more diffused sensations of sexual arousal.
“Sex is a very different experience for women and men. A man experiences pleasure primarily as a release of sexual tension. A woman experiences sex in an opposite way. For her, the great joys of sex correspond to a gradual build up of tension. …
A man’s immediate desire to touch and be touched in his sensitive zones is a given. He does not need much help in getting excited. He needs help in releasing or letting go of this excitement. In a sense, he seeks to end his excitement, while a woman seeks to extend her excitement to feel more deeply her inner longing.” (p27 Mars & Venus in the Bedroom 1995)
Love and romance make a woman amenable to a a sexual relationship but do not by themselves create orgasm. Over time, a man needs to offer some sensual pleasuring focused on his partner’s sexual arousal so that sex holds some rewards for her.
Women need other compensations for sex
After all, not many men would be happy about not having orgasms with intercourse…
“Although there has been some disagreement in the past as to whether the absence of coital orgasms without accompanying manual clitoral stimulation is an abnormality per se, most sexologists today have concluded that this is not the case. … This distinction is often of little solace to a woman who is unhappy about not having orgasms with intercourse, however, even if she is vehemently reassured that she is completely normal.” (p587 Human Sexuality (fifth edition) 1995)
For a long time, I found it difficult to interpret this advice. Initially I was outraged at the implication that women are happy settling for emotional (as opposed to physical) pleasure from their sex life.
Orgasm may not be the critical goal for women that it typically is for men, nevertheless any woman who is familar with orgasm from masturbation, questions why sex does not automatically lead to female orgasm.
It is often implied (wrongly) that a woman can orgasm as easily as men do via other means with a partner e.g. oral sex or mutual masturbation. Yet experts I have talked to have admitted that a woman is lucky if she finds even one way to orgasm.
Given the fact that women do not enjoy orgasm as easily through intercourse as men do, women often settle for sexual arousal and sensual massage with a partner. This does not mean that women do not hope to reach orgasm in general but that they accept that it is difficult to achieve through sex with a partner. This has certainly been my experience.
Posted in: Enjoying sex play
“Sex is a very different experience for women and men. A man experiences pleasure primarily as a release of sexual tension. A woman experiences sex in an opposite way. For her, the great joys of sex correspond to a gradual build up of tension. …
A man’s immediate desire to touch and be touched in his sensitive zones is a given. He does not need much help in getting excited. He needs help in releasing or letting go of this excitement. In a sense, he seeks to end his excitement, while a woman seeks to extend her excitement to feel more deeply her inner longing.” (p27 Mars & Venus in the Bedroom 1995)
Love and romance make a woman amenable to a a sexual relationship but do not by themselves create orgasm. Over time, a man needs to offer some sensual pleasuring focused on his partner’s sexual arousal so that sex holds some rewards for her.
Women need other compensations for sex
After all, not many men would be happy about not having orgasms with intercourse…
“Although there has been some disagreement in the past as to whether the absence of coital orgasms without accompanying manual clitoral stimulation is an abnormality per se, most sexologists today have concluded that this is not the case. … This distinction is often of little solace to a woman who is unhappy about not having orgasms with intercourse, however, even if she is vehemently reassured that she is completely normal.” (p587 Human Sexuality (fifth edition) 1995)
For a long time, I found it difficult to interpret this advice. Initially I was outraged at the implication that women are happy settling for emotional (as opposed to physical) pleasure from their sex life.
Orgasm may not be the critical goal for women that it typically is for men, nevertheless any woman who is familar with orgasm from masturbation, questions why sex does not automatically lead to female orgasm.
It is often implied (wrongly) that a woman can orgasm as easily as men do via other means with a partner e.g. oral sex or mutual masturbation. Yet experts I have talked to have admitted that a woman is lucky if she finds even one way to orgasm.
Given the fact that women do not enjoy orgasm as easily through intercourse as men do, women often settle for sexual arousal and sensual massage with a partner. This does not mean that women do not hope to reach orgasm in general but that they accept that it is difficult to achieve through sex with a partner. This has certainly been my experience.
Posted in: Enjoying sex play
The sexual politics of female sexual desire
All the modern day hype about female sexuality was in part sparked off by the work of Alfred Kinsey. Kinsey’s report ‘Sexual behaviour in the human female’ (published 1953) documented for the first time women’s accounts of how they also enjoyed sexual desire.
The world was not so different in the 1950’s. Technology may appear to have changed the world beyond recognition but attitudes are slower to change. Human nature does not change at all.
So if there are women today who can insist on how easy orgasm is with a partner, despite all the experiences of other women to the contrary and a few inconvenient facts, then why not in the 1950’s? After all, Kinsey’s researh only documented what women told him.
Even today, women who claim easy orgasm with a partner can rarely explain how they reach orgasm. Orgasms ‘just happen’. Very few women have an appreciation of the eroticism that leads to sexual arousal, which explains why so few women masturbate.
Sure there are women who enjoy adventurous sex play with a lover. I know because I’m one of them. Sure there are women who enjoy their own sexual arousal and orgasm through masturbation. But this is very different to saying that all women are as sexual as all men.
It’s quite clear to me that men have a much greater interest in eroticism than I do. They also masturbate (on average) more than I do and they are more likely to pay for sex than I am.
It is ludicrous that we are not able to talk about the ‘male sex drive’. ‘Modern’ women are assumed to have an equal ‘female sex drive’. How do we explain that prostitution still thrives as much as it ever did? Children have to work it out for themselves.
Why do women have to be more like men to be valid?
In order to prove ‘equality’, some feminists insist that women can enjoy their own sexuality (through pregnancy, child-bearing and breast feeding) as well as a definition of sexuality that was originally based on the male experience.
So all women have been put into the awkward position of having their sexuality assumed for them. Any woman who cannot fit within the definition of ‘normal’ is deemed to be sexually inadequate. Instead of sex becoming more open and honest it just got a whole lot more embarrassing. Now women are not able to discuss their sexual experiences at all even if they wanted to.
Women’s difficulties with sexual desire are hushed up. Thus any possible chance of understanding women’s range of experiences from ‘easy orgasm during sex’ to ‘no orgasm ever’ can never be explored. Most sources never even admit the facts.
“Between 10 and 15 percent of women never reach an orgam at all, even during masturbation. Another 10 to 15 percent achieve orgasm only through masturbation. Only approximately 30 percent of women reach orgasm through intercourse alone. Perhaps as many women have never reached orgasm during intercourse. Inability to have orgasm during intercourse is the second most common sexual complaint of women – behind lack of sexual desire.” (p194 Secrets of Better Sex 1997)
Today women have a much higher level of general education and higher confidence. They are less dependent on men both financially and emotionally. They can question their sexual experiences much more confidently. There is less taboo about sex.
My discussion of sex is for those women who are confident of their sexuality and their ability to evaluate their own experiences. If you have not found any answers elsewhere you may find my more logical presentation helpful. If not, then no harm done.
Women should feel free to share their experiences whatever they are. At the end of the day much of what is said about sex is purely opinion. If we are to find a common basis for discussion, we have to first find other people who share our own opinions.
The world was not so different in the 1950’s. Technology may appear to have changed the world beyond recognition but attitudes are slower to change. Human nature does not change at all.
So if there are women today who can insist on how easy orgasm is with a partner, despite all the experiences of other women to the contrary and a few inconvenient facts, then why not in the 1950’s? After all, Kinsey’s researh only documented what women told him.
Even today, women who claim easy orgasm with a partner can rarely explain how they reach orgasm. Orgasms ‘just happen’. Very few women have an appreciation of the eroticism that leads to sexual arousal, which explains why so few women masturbate.
Sure there are women who enjoy adventurous sex play with a lover. I know because I’m one of them. Sure there are women who enjoy their own sexual arousal and orgasm through masturbation. But this is very different to saying that all women are as sexual as all men.
It’s quite clear to me that men have a much greater interest in eroticism than I do. They also masturbate (on average) more than I do and they are more likely to pay for sex than I am.
It is ludicrous that we are not able to talk about the ‘male sex drive’. ‘Modern’ women are assumed to have an equal ‘female sex drive’. How do we explain that prostitution still thrives as much as it ever did? Children have to work it out for themselves.
Why do women have to be more like men to be valid?
In order to prove ‘equality’, some feminists insist that women can enjoy their own sexuality (through pregnancy, child-bearing and breast feeding) as well as a definition of sexuality that was originally based on the male experience.
So all women have been put into the awkward position of having their sexuality assumed for them. Any woman who cannot fit within the definition of ‘normal’ is deemed to be sexually inadequate. Instead of sex becoming more open and honest it just got a whole lot more embarrassing. Now women are not able to discuss their sexual experiences at all even if they wanted to.
Women’s difficulties with sexual desire are hushed up. Thus any possible chance of understanding women’s range of experiences from ‘easy orgasm during sex’ to ‘no orgasm ever’ can never be explored. Most sources never even admit the facts.
“Between 10 and 15 percent of women never reach an orgam at all, even during masturbation. Another 10 to 15 percent achieve orgasm only through masturbation. Only approximately 30 percent of women reach orgasm through intercourse alone. Perhaps as many women have never reached orgasm during intercourse. Inability to have orgasm during intercourse is the second most common sexual complaint of women – behind lack of sexual desire.” (p194 Secrets of Better Sex 1997)
Today women have a much higher level of general education and higher confidence. They are less dependent on men both financially and emotionally. They can question their sexual experiences much more confidently. There is less taboo about sex.
My discussion of sex is for those women who are confident of their sexuality and their ability to evaluate their own experiences. If you have not found any answers elsewhere you may find my more logical presentation helpful. If not, then no harm done.
Women should feel free to share their experiences whatever they are. At the end of the day much of what is said about sex is purely opinion. If we are to find a common basis for discussion, we have to first find other people who share our own opinions.
What if female sexuality truly equalled male sexuality?
Imagine the scenario: a man and a woman facing each other, naked, in a world where men and women have an identical sex drive.
So, of course, they are both standing there with an erection. Just to be clear: the man has an erect penis and the woman has an erect clitoris.
Would they mutually choose to engage in vaginal intercourse? No because intercourse does not stimulate the clitoris enough for a woman to orgasm. Even a man is unlikely to orgasm if his penis were merely rubbed gently in passing…
So the ‘sexually equal’ couple would presumably prefer oral sex or mutual masturbation. This way both sexes could enjoy equal genital stimulation.
Would Nature be happy? No because these activities are not reproductive and so the human race would die out. After all, the PRIME purpose of sex is reproduction. Sexual pleasure is merely a by-product.
Men are fortunate where sex is concerned. A man’s penis is both his sex organ as well as a reproductive organ (also the testes or testicles). Male orgasm (ejaculation in particular) is required for successful reproduction. Men need penile stimulation for orgasm and so vaginal intercourse provides sufficient stimulation for male orgasm.
Women are not so lucky. Their sex organ is the clitoris but their reproductive organs include the vagina, the uterus (womb) and the ovaries (where the eggs are stored). The clitoris is not involved in reproduction and neither is female orgasm. So unfortunately, vaginal intercourse does not provide sufficient clitoral stimulation for female orgasm.
Women who claim to reach orgasm from intercourse alone are mistaken
Sex is designed to provide men with sexual pleasure and orgasm for reproductive reasons. Conversely, sex is NOT designed to provide women with sexual arousal or orgasm because female orgasm is irrelevant to human reproduction.
If women were able to orgasm through vaginal intercourse and without any clitoral stimulation, it would imply that women are MORE HIGHLY SEXED than men. Even men need DIRECT penile stimulation for orgasm.
So anyone who claims that women orgasm during vaginal intercourse is mistaken. Of course, women are known to fake both their own sexual arousal and orgasm. Equally many women simply assume that they orgasm during intercourse because they have no knowledge of what orgasm. This explains why so few women ask about lack of orgasm.
It is only women who are familiar with orgasm from masturbation who realise that orgasm is missing from sex with a partner.
“Nevertheless, many women prefer intercourse to masturbation because it gives them additional sensual benefits such as being held and being kissed and also makes them part of a spontaneous give and take.” (p587 Human Sexuality (fifth edition) 1995)
Vaginal intercourse, from a woman’s perspective, feels much the same as affectionate hugging since the vagina has few nerve endings and so there is little sensation from thrusting.
Women have evolved a willingness to co-operate with men’s sex drive and provide men with sexual pleasure so that they are impregnated. Vaginal intercourse provides women with an easy way of satisfying a man with the least inconvenience to herself.
So, of course, they are both standing there with an erection. Just to be clear: the man has an erect penis and the woman has an erect clitoris.
Would they mutually choose to engage in vaginal intercourse? No because intercourse does not stimulate the clitoris enough for a woman to orgasm. Even a man is unlikely to orgasm if his penis were merely rubbed gently in passing…
So the ‘sexually equal’ couple would presumably prefer oral sex or mutual masturbation. This way both sexes could enjoy equal genital stimulation.
Would Nature be happy? No because these activities are not reproductive and so the human race would die out. After all, the PRIME purpose of sex is reproduction. Sexual pleasure is merely a by-product.
Men are fortunate where sex is concerned. A man’s penis is both his sex organ as well as a reproductive organ (also the testes or testicles). Male orgasm (ejaculation in particular) is required for successful reproduction. Men need penile stimulation for orgasm and so vaginal intercourse provides sufficient stimulation for male orgasm.
Women are not so lucky. Their sex organ is the clitoris but their reproductive organs include the vagina, the uterus (womb) and the ovaries (where the eggs are stored). The clitoris is not involved in reproduction and neither is female orgasm. So unfortunately, vaginal intercourse does not provide sufficient clitoral stimulation for female orgasm.
Women who claim to reach orgasm from intercourse alone are mistaken
Sex is designed to provide men with sexual pleasure and orgasm for reproductive reasons. Conversely, sex is NOT designed to provide women with sexual arousal or orgasm because female orgasm is irrelevant to human reproduction.
If women were able to orgasm through vaginal intercourse and without any clitoral stimulation, it would imply that women are MORE HIGHLY SEXED than men. Even men need DIRECT penile stimulation for orgasm.
So anyone who claims that women orgasm during vaginal intercourse is mistaken. Of course, women are known to fake both their own sexual arousal and orgasm. Equally many women simply assume that they orgasm during intercourse because they have no knowledge of what orgasm. This explains why so few women ask about lack of orgasm.
It is only women who are familiar with orgasm from masturbation who realise that orgasm is missing from sex with a partner.
“Nevertheless, many women prefer intercourse to masturbation because it gives them additional sensual benefits such as being held and being kissed and also makes them part of a spontaneous give and take.” (p587 Human Sexuality (fifth edition) 1995)
Vaginal intercourse, from a woman’s perspective, feels much the same as affectionate hugging since the vagina has few nerve endings and so there is little sensation from thrusting.
Women have evolved a willingness to co-operate with men’s sex drive and provide men with sexual pleasure so that they are impregnated. Vaginal intercourse provides women with an easy way of satisfying a man with the least inconvenience to herself.
Men are fascinated by sex
When I was seeing Bruce, a sexual psychologist, Peter also went along for one session by himself. It was a rare opportunity for two men to compare notes on techniques for female sexual arousal.
Peter told Bruce how he had masturbated a woman on a transatlantic flight. He had told her about some sexual fantasy scenarios while stimulating her clitoris. Apparently, Bruce was very impressed with this story.
His interest in the story (given he was a sex professional) highlighted to me how little adventure the average person has. Real life sexual adventures appear to be particularly important to men.
A female magazine editor was amazed at the response to an article about women’s underwear. Their offices were inundated with correspondence from men interested in women’s panties. Men’s sexual arousal tends to be straightforward whereas women look for a more sophisticated sexual context.
Lonnie Barbach was disappointed when she approached several writers of erotic fiction. “‘Do you really want real experiences?’ One woman wrote. ‘Mine are awfully depressing, by and large. However, I have some fictional scenes that are quite exciting.’ Another said ‘Alas, I am sorry to say that I cannot recall any turn-on real-life experiences. I live a very bland existence. The only fun I have is with my book characters.’” (pxiv Pleasures 1984)
Men are more willing to contemplate casual sex
On a business trip to Germany, Peter’s foreign colleagues met him at the airport. As they drove into the city, they asked Peter whether he was interested in joining them for an evening visit to the brothels of the city. Men seem to think it quite natural that, whether he is married or not, a man is free to consider opportunities for sexual pleasure while he is away from home.
On another business trip to the USA, my partner was shown to his room by one of the hotel maids. As he was putting hs bags down, the maid pulled up her skirt to reveal that she was wearing no underwear. She asked if he needed any other services.
Firstly it is worth noting that if the genders were the other way around, it is likely that a female guest (unless she was extremely liberated or had a good sense of humour) would complain to the hotel about the sexually offensive behaviour of its staff.
Secondly, in offering sex without any provocation the maid must have been fairly confident that at least some men would be interested in having sex with a stranger. It would seem that men take up sexual opportunities as they arise much more readily than a woman would in the same situation.
Naturally there are always exceptions. A young woman in her late twenties told me about a girlfriend of hers. The friend regularly walks up to strange men, perhaps as many as a handful in one eveing, and without even introducing herself starts kissing the man on the mouth. I asked whether any of the men ever objected.
The woman looked at me quizzically and laughed, “What a man object to being kissed by an attractive stranger? Of course not!” It is inconceivable that a man would reject the advances of a woman and yet few women would welcome the same advances from a man even after an introduction.
Peter told Bruce how he had masturbated a woman on a transatlantic flight. He had told her about some sexual fantasy scenarios while stimulating her clitoris. Apparently, Bruce was very impressed with this story.
His interest in the story (given he was a sex professional) highlighted to me how little adventure the average person has. Real life sexual adventures appear to be particularly important to men.
A female magazine editor was amazed at the response to an article about women’s underwear. Their offices were inundated with correspondence from men interested in women’s panties. Men’s sexual arousal tends to be straightforward whereas women look for a more sophisticated sexual context.
Lonnie Barbach was disappointed when she approached several writers of erotic fiction. “‘Do you really want real experiences?’ One woman wrote. ‘Mine are awfully depressing, by and large. However, I have some fictional scenes that are quite exciting.’ Another said ‘Alas, I am sorry to say that I cannot recall any turn-on real-life experiences. I live a very bland existence. The only fun I have is with my book characters.’” (pxiv Pleasures 1984)
Men are more willing to contemplate casual sex
On a business trip to Germany, Peter’s foreign colleagues met him at the airport. As they drove into the city, they asked Peter whether he was interested in joining them for an evening visit to the brothels of the city. Men seem to think it quite natural that, whether he is married or not, a man is free to consider opportunities for sexual pleasure while he is away from home.
On another business trip to the USA, my partner was shown to his room by one of the hotel maids. As he was putting hs bags down, the maid pulled up her skirt to reveal that she was wearing no underwear. She asked if he needed any other services.
Firstly it is worth noting that if the genders were the other way around, it is likely that a female guest (unless she was extremely liberated or had a good sense of humour) would complain to the hotel about the sexually offensive behaviour of its staff.
Secondly, in offering sex without any provocation the maid must have been fairly confident that at least some men would be interested in having sex with a stranger. It would seem that men take up sexual opportunities as they arise much more readily than a woman would in the same situation.
Naturally there are always exceptions. A young woman in her late twenties told me about a girlfriend of hers. The friend regularly walks up to strange men, perhaps as many as a handful in one eveing, and without even introducing herself starts kissing the man on the mouth. I asked whether any of the men ever objected.
The woman looked at me quizzically and laughed, “What a man object to being kissed by an attractive stranger? Of course not!” It is inconceivable that a man would reject the advances of a woman and yet few women would welcome the same advances from a man even after an introduction.
Making the most of sex play
Overall my partner and I have been lucky to have enjoyed exploring eroticism and sex play together. Sure we have had our ups and downs like anyone else.
There have also been many positive moments. When I am in a romantic mood, perhaps after a movie or after spending companionable time with my partner, it can be the most exhilarating experience to enjoy passionate kissing while having sex.
There are also times when I feel especially tuned into my sexual fantasies and I want to have adventurous sex with my partner. It is a real luxury to approach sex with a man totally without embarrassment so I can ask him to do whatever I want.
We have had some great weekends away. One time I set out to join Peter, travelling by train from London to an Oxfordshire village. I decided to get in the mood by reading one of my erotic novels. It was a turn-on to reading about sex while surrounded by strangers.
Peter was happy to oblige when we arrived at the hotel. Straight intercourse can be pleasurable when I am already aroused. We knew that we had the whole weekend ahead of us so it was great to approach sex more frivolously than normal.
Another time we flew out to Prague in winter and got cosy straightaway in the hotel room. Peter ran a bath while I lay on the bed reading an erotic story. After bathing with some fellatio thrown in, I lay on the bed still reading while Peter touched me up.
I keep reading until the sensations cause me to want to focus on my own sexual arousal.
Sharing eroticism and sensual massage
We have also had holidays (when the children were taken care of in activities) where we have retired to bed after lunch each day to have a couple of hours sleep and some sex. I would enjoy my partner giving me an erotic massage.
There was no goal of orgasm for me because I have never been able to orgasm from sex. I have enjoyed the sensations of having my clitoral area (up and over the hood of the clitoris) stroked. We would end with vaginal intercourse with my partner on top or beside me so he could continue stroking my clitoris while penetrating my vagina with his penis from behind.
We spent a number of summers sailing in Turkey. Peter liked me to go topless as we sailed along the coast for lunch at a beach restaurant. Holidays have always been a time for us to spend intimate time together.
We notice that other couples often go on holiday with friends: the men engage on activities while the women shop or read by the pool. We often wondered why other couples did not appear to make time for sex during their holiday.
“Some couples find it easy to talk and share together, to explore different ways of making love and discover what each wants. Women who describe this kind of relationship often comment on its quality as a whole, rather than just its sexual aspects.” (p121 Woman’s Experience of Sex)
Over more than twenty years of our relationship, we do not see other couples with an intimacy we envy. No dout there are other couples who have regular sex and enjoy talking together. But it’s rare. We are happy with what we have.
So when I am told that every couple out there is enjoying an idyllic sex life I have to wonder. Most middle-aged couples we come across are rarely even intimate with each other. Perhaps we live a quite life but swingers are, in any case, only on an ego trip.
There have also been many positive moments. When I am in a romantic mood, perhaps after a movie or after spending companionable time with my partner, it can be the most exhilarating experience to enjoy passionate kissing while having sex.
There are also times when I feel especially tuned into my sexual fantasies and I want to have adventurous sex with my partner. It is a real luxury to approach sex with a man totally without embarrassment so I can ask him to do whatever I want.
We have had some great weekends away. One time I set out to join Peter, travelling by train from London to an Oxfordshire village. I decided to get in the mood by reading one of my erotic novels. It was a turn-on to reading about sex while surrounded by strangers.
Peter was happy to oblige when we arrived at the hotel. Straight intercourse can be pleasurable when I am already aroused. We knew that we had the whole weekend ahead of us so it was great to approach sex more frivolously than normal.
Another time we flew out to Prague in winter and got cosy straightaway in the hotel room. Peter ran a bath while I lay on the bed reading an erotic story. After bathing with some fellatio thrown in, I lay on the bed still reading while Peter touched me up.
I keep reading until the sensations cause me to want to focus on my own sexual arousal.
Sharing eroticism and sensual massage
We have also had holidays (when the children were taken care of in activities) where we have retired to bed after lunch each day to have a couple of hours sleep and some sex. I would enjoy my partner giving me an erotic massage.
There was no goal of orgasm for me because I have never been able to orgasm from sex. I have enjoyed the sensations of having my clitoral area (up and over the hood of the clitoris) stroked. We would end with vaginal intercourse with my partner on top or beside me so he could continue stroking my clitoris while penetrating my vagina with his penis from behind.
We spent a number of summers sailing in Turkey. Peter liked me to go topless as we sailed along the coast for lunch at a beach restaurant. Holidays have always been a time for us to spend intimate time together.
We notice that other couples often go on holiday with friends: the men engage on activities while the women shop or read by the pool. We often wondered why other couples did not appear to make time for sex during their holiday.
“Some couples find it easy to talk and share together, to explore different ways of making love and discover what each wants. Women who describe this kind of relationship often comment on its quality as a whole, rather than just its sexual aspects.” (p121 Woman’s Experience of Sex)
Over more than twenty years of our relationship, we do not see other couples with an intimacy we envy. No dout there are other couples who have regular sex and enjoy talking together. But it’s rare. We are happy with what we have.
So when I am told that every couple out there is enjoying an idyllic sex life I have to wonder. Most middle-aged couples we come across are rarely even intimate with each other. Perhaps we live a quite life but swingers are, in any case, only on an ego trip.
How to enjoy your sexual fantasies
Women use clitoral stimulation during female masturbation but that’s just dessert. Main course is scrummy sexual fantasies. Sadly, not every woman learns how to enjoy these delights.
When I first discovered masturbation, I did not have access to any erotic literature. Initially my sexual fantasies were home grown although sometimes based on stories I had already read.
‘The Story of O’ by by Pauline Reage made a big impression on me. I liked the context of a large stately home filled with men who use it as a country club but of course it was a brothel. I liked the idea of the men being rich (of course), masculine and self-assured (experienced).
So many of my early fantasies, which I still use, are based on the idea of a woman being a reluctant slave. Various attendants (usually also male) prepare the woman (me) for sex.
I like to fantasise about group episodes with many men who are either having sex with me or waiting their turn. One scenario is based on servicing men while they are dining around a long table. They penetrate my mouth, vagina or rectum; sometimes more than one man at a time. I don’t like competition and don’t find women’s bodies a turn-on so there are seldom women in my fantasies.
I use ideas such as creams to make my nipples more sensitive or a repository in the rectum to make me want a well-lubricated penis to cool the fire of the irritant. These ideas are intended to be perverse and not necessarily to be enjoyable in reality.
Apparently, some women are able to use their sexual fantasies during sex. Unfortunately, not all women are able to find the focus required to reach orgasm from fantasy when they are engaged on sexual activities with a partner.
Fantasies based on erotic stories
One story I read tells of a woman who agrees to give herself over to an experienced man who wants to show her how enjoyable anal sex can be. He gives her a draught to drink that will clear out her bowels.
He offers her a coffee while they are waiting for the draught to take effect. After a spell on the loo, they shower together and he gives her an enema. By thoroughly cleaning out her rectum they can both be sure that the experience will be more comfortable.
With the lights low, he starts with her face down on the bed and uses a phallic vibrator (dildo) to slowly ease into her anus and help her become relaxed. She lies there with her eyes closed thinking of other things and waiting for the experience to become more comfortable. Gradually she relaxes and starts to feel some sexual arousal.
He turns her over and starts with vaginal intercourse with a finger massaging her anus and penetrating her rectum to relax her muscles. He is eventually able to penetrate her anus with his penis and they have anal intercourse.
Over the course of the evening they have sex a number of times. Often the woman can hardly tell whether he’s in her vagina or her rectum. When he’s penetrating her vagina he uses a finger as a penis replacement in her anus.
I’m not going to tell you about my fantasies around gay men. I suspect this is just an odd perversion of my own. I will tell you about two books I enjoyed. ‘The King’s Men’ by Christian Fall tells the story of young Ned’s sexual adventures during the time of the English Civil War. ‘Hot Valley’ by James Lear is also an historical novel and follows the sexual exploits of Jack (who is a bit of a slut) in the New England of the 1860’s. Well, I like history…
When I first discovered masturbation, I did not have access to any erotic literature. Initially my sexual fantasies were home grown although sometimes based on stories I had already read.
‘The Story of O’ by by Pauline Reage made a big impression on me. I liked the context of a large stately home filled with men who use it as a country club but of course it was a brothel. I liked the idea of the men being rich (of course), masculine and self-assured (experienced).
So many of my early fantasies, which I still use, are based on the idea of a woman being a reluctant slave. Various attendants (usually also male) prepare the woman (me) for sex.
I like to fantasise about group episodes with many men who are either having sex with me or waiting their turn. One scenario is based on servicing men while they are dining around a long table. They penetrate my mouth, vagina or rectum; sometimes more than one man at a time. I don’t like competition and don’t find women’s bodies a turn-on so there are seldom women in my fantasies.
I use ideas such as creams to make my nipples more sensitive or a repository in the rectum to make me want a well-lubricated penis to cool the fire of the irritant. These ideas are intended to be perverse and not necessarily to be enjoyable in reality.
Apparently, some women are able to use their sexual fantasies during sex. Unfortunately, not all women are able to find the focus required to reach orgasm from fantasy when they are engaged on sexual activities with a partner.
Fantasies based on erotic stories
One story I read tells of a woman who agrees to give herself over to an experienced man who wants to show her how enjoyable anal sex can be. He gives her a draught to drink that will clear out her bowels.
He offers her a coffee while they are waiting for the draught to take effect. After a spell on the loo, they shower together and he gives her an enema. By thoroughly cleaning out her rectum they can both be sure that the experience will be more comfortable.
With the lights low, he starts with her face down on the bed and uses a phallic vibrator (dildo) to slowly ease into her anus and help her become relaxed. She lies there with her eyes closed thinking of other things and waiting for the experience to become more comfortable. Gradually she relaxes and starts to feel some sexual arousal.
He turns her over and starts with vaginal intercourse with a finger massaging her anus and penetrating her rectum to relax her muscles. He is eventually able to penetrate her anus with his penis and they have anal intercourse.
Over the course of the evening they have sex a number of times. Often the woman can hardly tell whether he’s in her vagina or her rectum. When he’s penetrating her vagina he uses a finger as a penis replacement in her anus.
I’m not going to tell you about my fantasies around gay men. I suspect this is just an odd perversion of my own. I will tell you about two books I enjoyed. ‘The King’s Men’ by Christian Fall tells the story of young Ned’s sexual adventures during the time of the English Civil War. ‘Hot Valley’ by James Lear is also an historical novel and follows the sexual exploits of Jack (who is a bit of a slut) in the New England of the 1860’s. Well, I like history…
What sex experts have told me
When my partner and I decided to get married, my partner’s male work colleagues took him out for a beer to try to convince him that marriage would mean the end of his sex life.
Naturally no woman has ever given me the same warning. I accepted early on that a woman needs to invest in sex for her man’s sake. Even so, I was prepared to believe that there was something wrong with me.
So when I first talked to therapists, I simply wanted to understand how other women were able to reach orgasm during sex. What surprised me was that my questions were met with so much defensiveness.
They insisted that women have an equal sex drive and reach orgasm easily during sex with a partner. Later I realised that my own starting point of orgasm through masturbation was part of the problem.
For example, I was shocked to realise that not every sex expert agrees that a woman needs to stimulate her clitoris (her sex organ) in order to orgasm. A male sex expert told me: “We don’t have enough data to say that clit stim is “required” as is fantasy. The fact that some women find that works well for them does not prove it is required. Some women report orgasm by fantasy alone, some by massage of the skin alone, some by BDSM. Kinsey pointed out the huge range of human sexual behavior.”
I agree that BDSM (Bondage, Domination, Sadism & Masochism) may cause sexual arousal. But once a person is sexually aroused why wouldn’t they want to stimulate their genitals (clitoris/penis) in order to experience orgasm? Men certainly do.
Even today most women limit their sexual experiences to vaginal intercourse so they are not necessarily familiar with orgasm. Kinsey only documented what women told him and women in the 1950’s were unlikely to know any better than women today.
Very few women are familiar with orgasm
Many women, even therapists and sex experts, have been unenthusiastic about female masturbation. One marriage guidance counsellor evidently believed that female masturbation was something that only lesbian women did.
It is a given that a man masturbates. Men live with daily erections and they need to release sexual tension through masturbation. Hence the porn magazines. The fact is that relatively few women learn how to masturbate.
Sex experts are never required to acknowledge the limits to their own sexual experiences. So women (and even men) can advise on female orgasm without any direct experience of how a woman reaches orgasm through female masturbation.
The female director a reputable sex clinic in London’s Harley Street, commented: “I also believe that you are still over focused on the clitoris and the view that clitoral stimulation is ‘the real thing’ and that women generally are not satisfied through intercourse; again because of your own experience. I agree with you that in many cases this is the fact, but there are also many women who can have satisfying orgasms through sexual intercourse.“
Women have been quick to insist that they do orgasm from intercourse but they never describe HOW they reach orgasm. If women use clitoral stimulation and sexual fantasies during female masturbation, what do they substitute during sex with a partner? It was this defensiveness and the lack of reasonable explanations for orgasm that caused me to doubt.
A British female therapist commented: “You mention nothing of the G-spot or the fact that he clitoris extends deep into the body cavity and therefore can be stimulation through thrusting. It’s still true that fewer women enjoy orgasm through penetration…”
So why is the fact that some women cannot enjoy orgasm through penetration not published as part of the whole picture of female sexuality? The fact is that many women never to orgasm by any means. Equally the few women, who are familiar with orgasm from masturbation, often never learn how to share the same experience with a partner (and not through lack of trying!).
Naturally no woman has ever given me the same warning. I accepted early on that a woman needs to invest in sex for her man’s sake. Even so, I was prepared to believe that there was something wrong with me.
So when I first talked to therapists, I simply wanted to understand how other women were able to reach orgasm during sex. What surprised me was that my questions were met with so much defensiveness.
They insisted that women have an equal sex drive and reach orgasm easily during sex with a partner. Later I realised that my own starting point of orgasm through masturbation was part of the problem.
For example, I was shocked to realise that not every sex expert agrees that a woman needs to stimulate her clitoris (her sex organ) in order to orgasm. A male sex expert told me: “We don’t have enough data to say that clit stim is “required” as is fantasy. The fact that some women find that works well for them does not prove it is required. Some women report orgasm by fantasy alone, some by massage of the skin alone, some by BDSM. Kinsey pointed out the huge range of human sexual behavior.”
I agree that BDSM (Bondage, Domination, Sadism & Masochism) may cause sexual arousal. But once a person is sexually aroused why wouldn’t they want to stimulate their genitals (clitoris/penis) in order to experience orgasm? Men certainly do.
Even today most women limit their sexual experiences to vaginal intercourse so they are not necessarily familiar with orgasm. Kinsey only documented what women told him and women in the 1950’s were unlikely to know any better than women today.
Very few women are familiar with orgasm
Many women, even therapists and sex experts, have been unenthusiastic about female masturbation. One marriage guidance counsellor evidently believed that female masturbation was something that only lesbian women did.
It is a given that a man masturbates. Men live with daily erections and they need to release sexual tension through masturbation. Hence the porn magazines. The fact is that relatively few women learn how to masturbate.
Sex experts are never required to acknowledge the limits to their own sexual experiences. So women (and even men) can advise on female orgasm without any direct experience of how a woman reaches orgasm through female masturbation.
The female director a reputable sex clinic in London’s Harley Street, commented: “I also believe that you are still over focused on the clitoris and the view that clitoral stimulation is ‘the real thing’ and that women generally are not satisfied through intercourse; again because of your own experience. I agree with you that in many cases this is the fact, but there are also many women who can have satisfying orgasms through sexual intercourse.“
Women have been quick to insist that they do orgasm from intercourse but they never describe HOW they reach orgasm. If women use clitoral stimulation and sexual fantasies during female masturbation, what do they substitute during sex with a partner? It was this defensiveness and the lack of reasonable explanations for orgasm that caused me to doubt.
A British female therapist commented: “You mention nothing of the G-spot or the fact that he clitoris extends deep into the body cavity and therefore can be stimulation through thrusting. It’s still true that fewer women enjoy orgasm through penetration…”
So why is the fact that some women cannot enjoy orgasm through penetration not published as part of the whole picture of female sexuality? The fact is that many women never to orgasm by any means. Equally the few women, who are familiar with orgasm from masturbation, often never learn how to share the same experience with a partner (and not through lack of trying!).
How a woman can enjoy sex play
In the novelty of a new sexual relationship, I have explored a variety of sexual activities with a partner. So, in addition to vaginal intercourse missionary style, in the early days we tried oral sex, clitoral stimulation and different positions for intercourse.
I enjoyed the role of the prostitute, giving pleasure to my man, but I never experienced the sexual arousal required for orgasm. The sensations from oral sex were too vague and my clitoris was too sensitive for my partner to be able to stimulate me manually.
For many years, our sex life settled into the usual marital rut of nothing more than vaginal intercourse to male orgasm. It was the easiest way to provide my partner with some sexual relief and involved me in minimal sexual effort.
Once we had children, we would occasionally get away for weekends. These opportunities, plus holidays (with childcare) where we had more time for sex, meant that my partner could spend time masturbating me (from behind) before having intercourse.
I took the contraceptive pill from the age of eighteen until my partner had a vasectomy after the birth of our third child. Around this time, approximately aged 35, I found that vaginal intercourse became much more comfortable and sensual.
I’ll never know whether this effect was age related or the result of coming off the pill. I found that from time to time my body felt more sensual and aroused. As a young woman I was never aware of any sense of physical arousal. Later my mind has become more tuned into eroticism and I can feel my genital area throbbing with excitement.
So every few weeks I become positively engaged on the idea of sexual activity. I wish it were more often but there it is. I guess we just have to be grateful for what we have. I get a lot more out of sex when I am in this state of being psychologically aroused.
Naughtier than vaginal intercourse
When I am feeling aroused, I look forward to sex sessions with my partner. Sometimes we watch a porn movie in the living room. We put a waterproof sheet and large towel over the ottoman. I kneel down and bend over the ottoman.
My partner sits behind with a good view up between my legs from behind. He has control of the baby oil and lube. While we are watching the movie he penetrates me from behind with fingers and penis. I fast forward to the bits of the movie that I like.
Other times we have sex on the bed. As always, we use a waterproof sheet, large towel and lots of lube. We make sure the lights are low so that I can focus fully on the sensations of my partner stimulating me.
We keep a bag of sex toys. Sometimes my partner uses a dildo vibrator to penetrate my vagina while his penis penetrates my anus. Other times he uses a butt plug in my anus while he penetrates my vagina. Always he stimulates my clitoris from behind.
The modern male lover needs to be a bit of an octopus to do all of this simultaneously but never mind… Depending on my levels of arousal, I feel different sensations from sex with a partner. Basically, the more turned on I am the better the feelings.
Vaginal fisting where my partner penetrates my vagina with all the fingers of one hand, sometimes the whole hand, can give me amazing feelings. When his fingers thrust gently backwards and forwards, I am overwhelmed with waves of physical arousal.
Anal sex, usually starting with finger penetration, but usually ending with penile penetration has always been arousing for me. Sometimes we start a sex session with a shower and my partner gives me an enema.
It’s vital to take things slowly and start only with finger penetration. If a woman ends up sore from anal sex, then she will need time to heal up physically but she will also have negative connotations that will put her off trying again.
This is the difficult part for a man. You need to be ready to slow down and even to stop anal sex if the woman is not enjoying it. The woman needs to accept that it is counterproductive to be the martyr here. Keep it fun and arousing!
I enjoyed the role of the prostitute, giving pleasure to my man, but I never experienced the sexual arousal required for orgasm. The sensations from oral sex were too vague and my clitoris was too sensitive for my partner to be able to stimulate me manually.
For many years, our sex life settled into the usual marital rut of nothing more than vaginal intercourse to male orgasm. It was the easiest way to provide my partner with some sexual relief and involved me in minimal sexual effort.
Once we had children, we would occasionally get away for weekends. These opportunities, plus holidays (with childcare) where we had more time for sex, meant that my partner could spend time masturbating me (from behind) before having intercourse.
I took the contraceptive pill from the age of eighteen until my partner had a vasectomy after the birth of our third child. Around this time, approximately aged 35, I found that vaginal intercourse became much more comfortable and sensual.
I’ll never know whether this effect was age related or the result of coming off the pill. I found that from time to time my body felt more sensual and aroused. As a young woman I was never aware of any sense of physical arousal. Later my mind has become more tuned into eroticism and I can feel my genital area throbbing with excitement.
So every few weeks I become positively engaged on the idea of sexual activity. I wish it were more often but there it is. I guess we just have to be grateful for what we have. I get a lot more out of sex when I am in this state of being psychologically aroused.
Naughtier than vaginal intercourse
When I am feeling aroused, I look forward to sex sessions with my partner. Sometimes we watch a porn movie in the living room. We put a waterproof sheet and large towel over the ottoman. I kneel down and bend over the ottoman.
My partner sits behind with a good view up between my legs from behind. He has control of the baby oil and lube. While we are watching the movie he penetrates me from behind with fingers and penis. I fast forward to the bits of the movie that I like.
Other times we have sex on the bed. As always, we use a waterproof sheet, large towel and lots of lube. We make sure the lights are low so that I can focus fully on the sensations of my partner stimulating me.
We keep a bag of sex toys. Sometimes my partner uses a dildo vibrator to penetrate my vagina while his penis penetrates my anus. Other times he uses a butt plug in my anus while he penetrates my vagina. Always he stimulates my clitoris from behind.
The modern male lover needs to be a bit of an octopus to do all of this simultaneously but never mind… Depending on my levels of arousal, I feel different sensations from sex with a partner. Basically, the more turned on I am the better the feelings.
Vaginal fisting where my partner penetrates my vagina with all the fingers of one hand, sometimes the whole hand, can give me amazing feelings. When his fingers thrust gently backwards and forwards, I am overwhelmed with waves of physical arousal.
Anal sex, usually starting with finger penetration, but usually ending with penile penetration has always been arousing for me. Sometimes we start a sex session with a shower and my partner gives me an enema.
It’s vital to take things slowly and start only with finger penetration. If a woman ends up sore from anal sex, then she will need time to heal up physically but she will also have negative connotations that will put her off trying again.
This is the difficult part for a man. You need to be ready to slow down and even to stop anal sex if the woman is not enjoying it. The woman needs to accept that it is counterproductive to be the martyr here. Keep it fun and arousing!
How to orgasm
Shere Hite explained how women apply orgasm techniques in order to reach orgasm during intercourse. Women’s sexual arousal and orgasm is not automatic and so women have to learn how to orgasm. Inevitably, such techniques take time to develop.
“ … the two reasons women don’t orgasm during intercourse are:
(1) they are given false information, specifically they are told that the penis thrusting in the vagina will cause orgasm; and
(2) they are intimidated from exploring and touching their bodies… They do not control their own stimulation.” (p53 The Hite Reports 1993)
Research indicates that masturbation is innate but sex itself is learned. We know that vaginal intercourse is reproductive and so we assume it also leads to sexual pleasure.
Unfortunately, female orgasm is not required for reproduction and so vaginal intercourse is not designed, either physically or psychologically, to provide a woman with orgasm. Luckily other sexual activities can be just as enjoyable as (if not more than) intercourse.
Intercourse naturally allows a man to control his own physical stimulation (of the penis) through thrusting. Even if the woman takes the initiative and ‘rides’ her man from on top, she is still stimulating his penis with her vagina. A couple needs to build into their sex life the same freedom for the woman to obtain the clitoral stimulation that she needs.
Clitoral stimulation is not everything
If a woman knows how to masturbate to orgasm, she may be able to obtain the additional clitoral stimulation she needs by applying her orgasm techniques to sex while her man penetrates her. Either her partner stimulates her clitoris or more usually she masturbates herself during intercourse using a rear-entry position e.g. in the spoon position (imagine spoons lying side by side in the drawer).
Of course, this kind of sensitive technique is difficult for a man to learn as he needs to rely on his partner’s feedback. The likely areas, equivalent to the erogenous areas in a man, include the labia themselves (the length of the penis), either side of the labia (the testicles), the entrance to the vagina (base of the penis) and around the anus.
A man needs to learn how his partner reacts when stimulation is pleasurable. The signs of sexual arousal in a woman are subtler than for a man but include the degree and consistency of her vaginal fluids, the extent that the vaginal entrance and labia are swollen and the degree of clitoral erection.
“Forget the missionary position. Most men think that if they stick it in you you’ll be screaming with orgasm, just as long as they keep at it enough” says Ruth, 30. “It’s just not so. No matter how much you pump, nothing is going to happen, apart from her writing a mental shopping list for Tesco. Unless, of course the clitoris is involved. And that’s physically impossible if you’re lying on top.” (Men’s Health magazine Jan/Feb 1998)
Transferring orgasm techniques from masturbation to sex can be difficult for a woman because some sexual fantasies are more difficult to use during sex with a partner. Unfortunately not every woman is able to focus on fantasy during sex.
“ … the two reasons women don’t orgasm during intercourse are:
(1) they are given false information, specifically they are told that the penis thrusting in the vagina will cause orgasm; and
(2) they are intimidated from exploring and touching their bodies… They do not control their own stimulation.” (p53 The Hite Reports 1993)
Research indicates that masturbation is innate but sex itself is learned. We know that vaginal intercourse is reproductive and so we assume it also leads to sexual pleasure.
Unfortunately, female orgasm is not required for reproduction and so vaginal intercourse is not designed, either physically or psychologically, to provide a woman with orgasm. Luckily other sexual activities can be just as enjoyable as (if not more than) intercourse.
Intercourse naturally allows a man to control his own physical stimulation (of the penis) through thrusting. Even if the woman takes the initiative and ‘rides’ her man from on top, she is still stimulating his penis with her vagina. A couple needs to build into their sex life the same freedom for the woman to obtain the clitoral stimulation that she needs.
Clitoral stimulation is not everything
If a woman knows how to masturbate to orgasm, she may be able to obtain the additional clitoral stimulation she needs by applying her orgasm techniques to sex while her man penetrates her. Either her partner stimulates her clitoris or more usually she masturbates herself during intercourse using a rear-entry position e.g. in the spoon position (imagine spoons lying side by side in the drawer).
Of course, this kind of sensitive technique is difficult for a man to learn as he needs to rely on his partner’s feedback. The likely areas, equivalent to the erogenous areas in a man, include the labia themselves (the length of the penis), either side of the labia (the testicles), the entrance to the vagina (base of the penis) and around the anus.
A man needs to learn how his partner reacts when stimulation is pleasurable. The signs of sexual arousal in a woman are subtler than for a man but include the degree and consistency of her vaginal fluids, the extent that the vaginal entrance and labia are swollen and the degree of clitoral erection.
“Forget the missionary position. Most men think that if they stick it in you you’ll be screaming with orgasm, just as long as they keep at it enough” says Ruth, 30. “It’s just not so. No matter how much you pump, nothing is going to happen, apart from her writing a mental shopping list for Tesco. Unless, of course the clitoris is involved. And that’s physically impossible if you’re lying on top.” (Men’s Health magazine Jan/Feb 1998)
Transferring orgasm techniques from masturbation to sex can be difficult for a woman because some sexual fantasies are more difficult to use during sex with a partner. Unfortunately not every woman is able to focus on fantasy during sex.
Men's sexual arousal is much more easily achieved
In the film ‘True Lies’ Jamie Lee Curtis, as the dowdy housewife turned spy in the role of a prostitute, performs a sexy pole dance for her screen husband Arnold Schwarzenegger.
It seems so natural that a man’s sexual arousal comes from admiring a woman’s body. Yet we never question why a man’s foreplay techniques do not include him using his body to provide a woman’s sexual arousal. For example, a man’s foreplay techniques do not typically include wearing exotic underwear, clothing that accentuates his sexual attributes or moving his body in a provocative manner.
Throughout history, a woman’s priority has been to ensure that she had a man who could protect her (and her children) rather than help her reach orgasm.
“The truth is that, just as women have spent centuries being selected by men for their desirability as sex objects. Women have been evaluating men as success objects. By this we mean that women evaluate men both as successful protectors, particularly in violent times, and as successful providers.” (p34 How Men can get more Sex and Women can get more Love 1994)
The mystery of female sexual arousal
Unfortunately, there is nothing either easy or automatic about female orgasm, especially during sex with a partner. Not only do we lack men’s spontaneous sexual arousal, women also do not get turned on by the physical attributes of a sexual partner in the way that men are.
Nevertheless, portrayals of female sexuality imply that we are able to generate the same levels of sexual arousal as a man even though we lack the same natural advantages. We often have difficulty interpreting our sexual experiences and it is easy to confuse women’s own sexual arousal with their ability to arouse men.
Female sexual arousal is often defined in terms of a woman’s attractiveness to men rather than her own true state of sexual arousal. Even when a woman describe’s herself as ‘turned on’ or ‘horny’ but this is more likely to indicate that she is amenable to having sex than that she is close to orgasm.
“Many men believe that if a woman excites them sexually and looks sexy, she must be experiencing sexual feelings – in other words, if she looks sexy she must feel sexy; if she’s exciting me, she must be excited, too. The man projects his own excitement onto the woman.” (p85 How Men can get more Sex and Women can get more Love 1994)
Men’s sexual arousal is usually easy and, since men hope a lover will enhance their sexual arousal, women often have sex with men for reasons other than their own orgasm:
In the shorter term, a woman can find sex fun and even exhilarating without orgasm if she appreciates being able to excite a man sexually and if her ego is flattered by the sexual compliment
In the longer term, a woman may find other life priorities (such as children) but she still needs to offer a mate enough sex to stop him wandering off with someone more amenable
Some women might hope for an adventurous sex life (or even for sexual arousal and orgasm during sex) but, luckily for all of us, most women do not approach their relationships with men demanding ‘success’ in their sex life. Since women have lower sexual desire they tend to settle for companionship, love and affection, which depend on knowing and liking a person.
It seems so natural that a man’s sexual arousal comes from admiring a woman’s body. Yet we never question why a man’s foreplay techniques do not include him using his body to provide a woman’s sexual arousal. For example, a man’s foreplay techniques do not typically include wearing exotic underwear, clothing that accentuates his sexual attributes or moving his body in a provocative manner.
Throughout history, a woman’s priority has been to ensure that she had a man who could protect her (and her children) rather than help her reach orgasm.
“The truth is that, just as women have spent centuries being selected by men for their desirability as sex objects. Women have been evaluating men as success objects. By this we mean that women evaluate men both as successful protectors, particularly in violent times, and as successful providers.” (p34 How Men can get more Sex and Women can get more Love 1994)
The mystery of female sexual arousal
Unfortunately, there is nothing either easy or automatic about female orgasm, especially during sex with a partner. Not only do we lack men’s spontaneous sexual arousal, women also do not get turned on by the physical attributes of a sexual partner in the way that men are.
Nevertheless, portrayals of female sexuality imply that we are able to generate the same levels of sexual arousal as a man even though we lack the same natural advantages. We often have difficulty interpreting our sexual experiences and it is easy to confuse women’s own sexual arousal with their ability to arouse men.
Female sexual arousal is often defined in terms of a woman’s attractiveness to men rather than her own true state of sexual arousal. Even when a woman describe’s herself as ‘turned on’ or ‘horny’ but this is more likely to indicate that she is amenable to having sex than that she is close to orgasm.
“Many men believe that if a woman excites them sexually and looks sexy, she must be experiencing sexual feelings – in other words, if she looks sexy she must feel sexy; if she’s exciting me, she must be excited, too. The man projects his own excitement onto the woman.” (p85 How Men can get more Sex and Women can get more Love 1994)
Men’s sexual arousal is usually easy and, since men hope a lover will enhance their sexual arousal, women often have sex with men for reasons other than their own orgasm:
In the shorter term, a woman can find sex fun and even exhilarating without orgasm if she appreciates being able to excite a man sexually and if her ego is flattered by the sexual compliment
In the longer term, a woman may find other life priorities (such as children) but she still needs to offer a mate enough sex to stop him wandering off with someone more amenable
Some women might hope for an adventurous sex life (or even for sexual arousal and orgasm during sex) but, luckily for all of us, most women do not approach their relationships with men demanding ‘success’ in their sex life. Since women have lower sexual desire they tend to settle for companionship, love and affection, which depend on knowing and liking a person.
Women who want to enjoy sexual pleasure
When I was growing up there was never any embarrassment over nudity at home. As divorcees, my parents naturally enjoyed sexual relationships with various partners from time to time.
So I have never seen any reason why I should not enjoy the same easy sexual arousal and orgasm apparently promised by erotic fiction. Especially since I have been lucky enough to have:
enthusiasm for erotic literature, sexual fantasy and masturbation;
a sexually attractive body (pretty with a good figure); and
a close relationship with my partner and an adventurous sex life.
I was naturally curious about eroticism because I recognised that sex was a natural part of adult relationships. I saw sex as an adventure to some extent and read avidly about the exploits of prostitutes and call-girls in an attempt to understand how to be a ‘good lover’.
Being a ‘good lover’ appeared to involve being relaxed about nudity, physical sex play and sexually explicit activities. I understood that an ‘uninhibited’ woman would naturally be able to respond to being pleasured in a similar way by a man.
Sex for love or for money?
No one likes to admit it but men often pay for sex (whether by supporting family or paying for dates). Nevertheless, we can differentiate between: (1) sex for pleasure (where men pay directly for sex) and (2) sex for intimacy (within a relationship).
The proposal of the sexual revolution was that the line between these two would become blurred. The suggestion was that in a more liberated world, men and women could hope to share sexual pleasure when they enter into intimate sexual relationships.
Decades after the sexual revolution, to what degree do men find that relationship sex matches their expecations of sex for pleasure? So, for example, men talk of wanting the women in their lives to ‘act like a whore’ in the bedroom. The hitch is that prostitutes are paid for their efforts.
Equally to what degree can a woman hope that relationship sex will match the expectations set by ’sex for pleasure’? The fact is that prostitutes are, after all, not engaging in sex for their own sexual pleasure. In other words, it’s all an act.
I came to realise that the eroticism and sex play that many men hope for is often based on situations where women are being compensated for offering sex. Nevertheless, I have always been determined to make the most of my sexual experiences with a partner. I find it too humiliating (and insulting to my partner) to ‘put up with’ sex, ‘lie back and think of England’ or fake orgasm.
Even though from the very first time, I realised that sex was for the enjoyment of the men in my life, I have been willing to invest in pleasuring them because I cared about them. Their obvious sexual frustration meant that unless I had a good reason, I accepted going along with their desire for sex.
Over time this enthusiasm inevitably has its ups and downs but nevertheless I have been willing to invest effort over decades in exploring ways in which my partner might be able to return the favour. We would like to share some of these ideas with other couples, in case they can be of any help.
WWO is for perfectly normal women who have a good relationship with their partner and no obvious hang-ups about sex. Sometimes the woman knows that something is missing from sex. Other times the man suspects that his partner is faking or hopes that she would be more enthusiastic about sex if he could provide her with the orgasms that he enjoys so easily.
In some cases, the man is much more driven by sex than the woman. In other cases the couple are keen to find new ways of making sex even better over the longer-term. WWO is FOREMOST for couples who have explore a variety of sex play together in a spirit of exploration and adventure and who are open to new ideas.
So I have never seen any reason why I should not enjoy the same easy sexual arousal and orgasm apparently promised by erotic fiction. Especially since I have been lucky enough to have:
enthusiasm for erotic literature, sexual fantasy and masturbation;
a sexually attractive body (pretty with a good figure); and
a close relationship with my partner and an adventurous sex life.
I was naturally curious about eroticism because I recognised that sex was a natural part of adult relationships. I saw sex as an adventure to some extent and read avidly about the exploits of prostitutes and call-girls in an attempt to understand how to be a ‘good lover’.
Being a ‘good lover’ appeared to involve being relaxed about nudity, physical sex play and sexually explicit activities. I understood that an ‘uninhibited’ woman would naturally be able to respond to being pleasured in a similar way by a man.
Sex for love or for money?
No one likes to admit it but men often pay for sex (whether by supporting family or paying for dates). Nevertheless, we can differentiate between: (1) sex for pleasure (where men pay directly for sex) and (2) sex for intimacy (within a relationship).
The proposal of the sexual revolution was that the line between these two would become blurred. The suggestion was that in a more liberated world, men and women could hope to share sexual pleasure when they enter into intimate sexual relationships.
Decades after the sexual revolution, to what degree do men find that relationship sex matches their expecations of sex for pleasure? So, for example, men talk of wanting the women in their lives to ‘act like a whore’ in the bedroom. The hitch is that prostitutes are paid for their efforts.
Equally to what degree can a woman hope that relationship sex will match the expectations set by ’sex for pleasure’? The fact is that prostitutes are, after all, not engaging in sex for their own sexual pleasure. In other words, it’s all an act.
I came to realise that the eroticism and sex play that many men hope for is often based on situations where women are being compensated for offering sex. Nevertheless, I have always been determined to make the most of my sexual experiences with a partner. I find it too humiliating (and insulting to my partner) to ‘put up with’ sex, ‘lie back and think of England’ or fake orgasm.
Even though from the very first time, I realised that sex was for the enjoyment of the men in my life, I have been willing to invest in pleasuring them because I cared about them. Their obvious sexual frustration meant that unless I had a good reason, I accepted going along with their desire for sex.
Over time this enthusiasm inevitably has its ups and downs but nevertheless I have been willing to invest effort over decades in exploring ways in which my partner might be able to return the favour. We would like to share some of these ideas with other couples, in case they can be of any help.
WWO is for perfectly normal women who have a good relationship with their partner and no obvious hang-ups about sex. Sometimes the woman knows that something is missing from sex. Other times the man suspects that his partner is faking or hopes that she would be more enthusiastic about sex if he could provide her with the orgasms that he enjoys so easily.
In some cases, the man is much more driven by sex than the woman. In other cases the couple are keen to find new ways of making sex even better over the longer-term. WWO is FOREMOST for couples who have explore a variety of sex play together in a spirit of exploration and adventure and who are open to new ideas.
The sexual revolution set false hopes for female sexuality
The proposal of the sexual revolution was that, in a modern society with reliable contraception, every sexually ‘normal’ woman would enjoy sexual arousal and orgasm during sex just as men do.
Unfortunately, although only a relatively small sample of women exhibited sexual desire, the popular message was that all women could potentially be as strongly driven by sex and orgasm as men are.
Naturally, there is a bias towards younger and more attractive women but the implication is that all women share in this new found sexuality. Women who did not enjoy sexual arousal and orgasm during sex as easily as men did were now considered to be abnormal, either ‘inhibited’ or even ‘frigid’ (terms never applied to men).
This new definition of female sexuality implied that, once relieved of the old-fashioned female inhibition, truly modern and liberated women’s minds and bodies would respond just the same as men’s had always done. Women were pressured into exaggerating both their sexual desire and their sexual arousal as well as faking orgasm.
Other women often simply accept that sex is one of those areas of human life that will never be truthful or honest. Women have too great an advantage through sex to be willing to admit any potential inadequacy. This explains why women fake orgasm rather than visit a sex clinic. They are not motivated to find an answer they just want to keep the peace.
“… a woman’s sexual fulfilment is much more complex than a man’s. She requires a man with a skilful touch, lots of time, and a loving attitude. For a man, once he is aroused, it is generally a given that he will have an orgasm.” (p72 Mars & Venus in the Bedroom 1996)
The power of female sexuality is to arouse men
When girls become women they learn that men’s response to their body provides them with a tremendous advantage both in earning easy admiration and in their relationships with the opposite sex.
In the film ‘Dangerous Liaisons’ Glenn Close asserts that sex involves women using their sexuality in order to manipulate men. Women’s advantage comes from the fact that men need sex so intensely whereas women do not need sex at all.
This power causes resentment between women because those who pander to men’s sexual fantasies are seen to be capitalising on this male vulnerability and thereby often threatening the stability of marriage and family.
I was naive enough to believe in the promises of the sexual revolution. I was determined to highlight the difficulties for women who hope to reach orgasm with a partner
Women in the 1950’s may have been willing to use their sexuality for their own ends. Hopefully today, there are some women who are prepared to see the benefits in being more honest about what women can hope for from their sexual relationships.
My familiarity with orgasm from masturbation made it more difficult for me to accept a lack of sexual arousal during sex.
The only activities I have found arousing enough for orgasm have been anal sex and vaginal fisting. Even then the sensations are different to orgasm from masturbation (using fantasy).
Something that is very difficult for a man to accept is that even though orgasm is a very pleasant feeling it is still not something that I would miss so much that I would not want to continue living without it. My experience is that sex tends to be much more vital to a man’s sense of well-being.
One man in his sixties with prostate cancer said that without the ability to become aroused and enjoy sex, his life would hardly be worth living. I have never heard a woman admit something similar.
Unfortunately, although only a relatively small sample of women exhibited sexual desire, the popular message was that all women could potentially be as strongly driven by sex and orgasm as men are.
Naturally, there is a bias towards younger and more attractive women but the implication is that all women share in this new found sexuality. Women who did not enjoy sexual arousal and orgasm during sex as easily as men did were now considered to be abnormal, either ‘inhibited’ or even ‘frigid’ (terms never applied to men).
This new definition of female sexuality implied that, once relieved of the old-fashioned female inhibition, truly modern and liberated women’s minds and bodies would respond just the same as men’s had always done. Women were pressured into exaggerating both their sexual desire and their sexual arousal as well as faking orgasm.
Other women often simply accept that sex is one of those areas of human life that will never be truthful or honest. Women have too great an advantage through sex to be willing to admit any potential inadequacy. This explains why women fake orgasm rather than visit a sex clinic. They are not motivated to find an answer they just want to keep the peace.
“… a woman’s sexual fulfilment is much more complex than a man’s. She requires a man with a skilful touch, lots of time, and a loving attitude. For a man, once he is aroused, it is generally a given that he will have an orgasm.” (p72 Mars & Venus in the Bedroom 1996)
The power of female sexuality is to arouse men
When girls become women they learn that men’s response to their body provides them with a tremendous advantage both in earning easy admiration and in their relationships with the opposite sex.
In the film ‘Dangerous Liaisons’ Glenn Close asserts that sex involves women using their sexuality in order to manipulate men. Women’s advantage comes from the fact that men need sex so intensely whereas women do not need sex at all.
This power causes resentment between women because those who pander to men’s sexual fantasies are seen to be capitalising on this male vulnerability and thereby often threatening the stability of marriage and family.
I was naive enough to believe in the promises of the sexual revolution. I was determined to highlight the difficulties for women who hope to reach orgasm with a partner
Women in the 1950’s may have been willing to use their sexuality for their own ends. Hopefully today, there are some women who are prepared to see the benefits in being more honest about what women can hope for from their sexual relationships.
My familiarity with orgasm from masturbation made it more difficult for me to accept a lack of sexual arousal during sex.
The only activities I have found arousing enough for orgasm have been anal sex and vaginal fisting. Even then the sensations are different to orgasm from masturbation (using fantasy).
Something that is very difficult for a man to accept is that even though orgasm is a very pleasant feeling it is still not something that I would miss so much that I would not want to continue living without it. My experience is that sex tends to be much more vital to a man’s sense of well-being.
One man in his sixties with prostate cancer said that without the ability to become aroused and enjoy sex, his life would hardly be worth living. I have never heard a woman admit something similar.
Defending the modern image of female sexuality
The issue of women’s sexual arousal and orgasm with a partner is surrounded by mis-information, contrary opinions and, above all, defensiveness. More often than not, our understanding revolves around debating OPINIONS rather than the FACTS.
A male doctor claims: “Many, if not most, women by the time they are 30 regularly achieve orgasm during penetrative sex or immediately afterwards with mutual masturbation”.
In the SAME article (The Times, 4th October 2008), a female therapist contradicts: “There is no avoiding the fact that orgasm is problematic for a significant percentage of women”.
One issue is that sources often do not specify whether they are talking about orgasm during masturbation or during sex. For example, (on the basis of a survey) one UK medical site states: “the average British female first learns to reach orgasm at age 19″.
Women are still told they will orgasm ‘naturally’ when they love a man. Romance may cause a woman to be amenable to sex but anyone who is familiar with orgasm will know that reaching orgasm involves a release of SEXUAL emotions not LOVING emotions.
It is often implied that women can generate sexual arousal from purely loving emotions. This indicates a misunderstanding about how sexual arousal is achieved. Even men need to use eroticism (erotic images or the body of a sexual partner) for sexual arousal.
Female sexual arousal is a political issue
Having been been brave enough to ask personal questions about sex, I have been shocked by just how defensive, patronising and openly hostile people have been. Small wonder more women don’t ask questions.
Some women claim orgasms during sex ‘just happen’ but they are rarely able to explain how their arousal works. When faced with women who do not share their experience of easy sexual arousal and orgasm they can be easily offended and quickly become defensive. This has made it very unpleasant to try to understand female sexuality by comparing notes with others.
The FACT that many women never orgasm during sex threatens other people’s confidence in their own experiences. I have not found even one expert who has been willing to talk openly about how to orgasm with a partner.
One woman was ‘highly offended’ by anyone questioning whether women orgasm as easily as men. I’m sorry to burst anyone’s bubble but the evidence is there for anyone to see even if they claim that their own experience makes such a thing impossible.
She continued “Many reports note that in heterosexual sex relationships, the woman’s inability to orgasm is in part due to her partner’s inability to give her an orgasm, among other reasons.” That’s very nice isn’t it? Let’s blame it all on men.
So men are advised that physical stimulation techniques (oral sex, thrusting or the G-spot) will ‘make her scream pure bliss and beg you not to stop all night long’. But if women orgasm as easily as men do then why are these articles needed at all? Why are there no similar articles advising women on how to give their man an orgasm?
I also question not only WHY but also HOW exactly is a man supposed to give a woman an orgasm? Isn’t this slightly patronising? Shere Hite concluded in the 1970’s that the women who succeeded with orgasm (not all by any means) usually did it for themselves. Women LEARN how to orgasm by applying their orgasm techniques (learned from masturbation) to sex.
The fact is that relatively few women masturbate and so they never discover true sexual arousal. If a woman does not know how to give herself an orgasm then it is unlikely that someone else will be able to. Sexual arousal originates in the brain and no man, whatever physical stimulation techniques he uses, can control what happens inside a woman’s head.
A male doctor claims: “Many, if not most, women by the time they are 30 regularly achieve orgasm during penetrative sex or immediately afterwards with mutual masturbation”.
In the SAME article (The Times, 4th October 2008), a female therapist contradicts: “There is no avoiding the fact that orgasm is problematic for a significant percentage of women”.
One issue is that sources often do not specify whether they are talking about orgasm during masturbation or during sex. For example, (on the basis of a survey) one UK medical site states: “the average British female first learns to reach orgasm at age 19″.
Women are still told they will orgasm ‘naturally’ when they love a man. Romance may cause a woman to be amenable to sex but anyone who is familiar with orgasm will know that reaching orgasm involves a release of SEXUAL emotions not LOVING emotions.
It is often implied that women can generate sexual arousal from purely loving emotions. This indicates a misunderstanding about how sexual arousal is achieved. Even men need to use eroticism (erotic images or the body of a sexual partner) for sexual arousal.
Female sexual arousal is a political issue
Having been been brave enough to ask personal questions about sex, I have been shocked by just how defensive, patronising and openly hostile people have been. Small wonder more women don’t ask questions.
Some women claim orgasms during sex ‘just happen’ but they are rarely able to explain how their arousal works. When faced with women who do not share their experience of easy sexual arousal and orgasm they can be easily offended and quickly become defensive. This has made it very unpleasant to try to understand female sexuality by comparing notes with others.
The FACT that many women never orgasm during sex threatens other people’s confidence in their own experiences. I have not found even one expert who has been willing to talk openly about how to orgasm with a partner.
One woman was ‘highly offended’ by anyone questioning whether women orgasm as easily as men. I’m sorry to burst anyone’s bubble but the evidence is there for anyone to see even if they claim that their own experience makes such a thing impossible.
She continued “Many reports note that in heterosexual sex relationships, the woman’s inability to orgasm is in part due to her partner’s inability to give her an orgasm, among other reasons.” That’s very nice isn’t it? Let’s blame it all on men.
So men are advised that physical stimulation techniques (oral sex, thrusting or the G-spot) will ‘make her scream pure bliss and beg you not to stop all night long’. But if women orgasm as easily as men do then why are these articles needed at all? Why are there no similar articles advising women on how to give their man an orgasm?
I also question not only WHY but also HOW exactly is a man supposed to give a woman an orgasm? Isn’t this slightly patronising? Shere Hite concluded in the 1970’s that the women who succeeded with orgasm (not all by any means) usually did it for themselves. Women LEARN how to orgasm by applying their orgasm techniques (learned from masturbation) to sex.
The fact is that relatively few women masturbate and so they never discover true sexual arousal. If a woman does not know how to give herself an orgasm then it is unlikely that someone else will be able to. Sexual arousal originates in the brain and no man, whatever physical stimulation techniques he uses, can control what happens inside a woman’s head.
Explanations for female sexual arousal
In response to my article saying that it was ridiculous to suggest that a man can give a woman an orgasm, a man wrote:
“My wife is consistently orgasmic. They are obviously not faked. She can’t fake the cries, the involuntary movements, the demands for more stimulation, and everything else that goes with orgasm.
I’ve offered oral and manual stimulation. She rejects oral because she considers it unhygeinic and a short cut for those who lack skills to do it the regular way. She demands my penis as soon as I have an erection. She orgasms through penile thrusting. …
When I lost my virginity to an older, more experienced woman, she eagerly guided my penis into her. … She obviously enjoyed my penis and got three orgasms from penile thrusting alone.
Several years later another woman begged me to make love to her and I did. She wanted my penis inside of her. … She told me once that her body ached for mine. She wanted a penis inside her.
I admit I have not had as much variety as a lot of men have had, but the women with whom I have had sex have demanded a penis. Judging from the intensity of their orgasms, they’ve been very satisfied and would have it no other way. My wife tells me she lets me caress her to orgasm with my fingers only for my enjoyment. She prefers an orgasm with my penis.”
Why is a man with this experience reading these articles in the first place? If everything works for you then that’s fantastic. I am not questioning that people have these experiences that read like erotic fiction. I am interested in discussing any LOGICAL EXPLANATIONS for how women are supposed to achieve these orgasmic feats given the FACTS of female sexuality.
“Most women do not orgasm as a result of intercourse per se. The overwhelming majority of women require specific clitoral contact for orgasm.” (p29 The Hite Reports 1993)
The clitoris is the female sex organ
The FACT is that the vagina has very few nerve endings. To come across even one woman who can feel sensations in a part of the body without nerve endings would be un-nerving but to come across three such women is positively suspicous.
Why would anyone who is hoping for orgasm ignore their own sex organ? It doesn’t make sense. Why are men so ready to accept that although they need penile stimulation in order to orgasm, women orgasm easily without any genital stimulation?
A woman’s sex organ is the clitoris (which has many nerve endings) and if women experienced true sexual arousal then they would want to stimulate their genitals (through clitoral stimulation) just as men do. Women approach sex with a focus on the penis and penile thrusting because male sexual arousal is much easier to achieve.
Relatively few women masturbate and so most women are unaware of what orgasm is or how to achieve it. They are not necessarily even hoping for orgasm from their sexual relationships because they have no experience of it.
For years I was convinced that vaginal intercourse MUST work. Even though my own experience told me that it did not. Even knowing that clitoral stimulation is required for female orgasm did not help because nothing seemed to work with a partner.
I agree with the experience that clitoral stimulation alone does not guarantee orgasm. But the reason for this is that genital stimulation is only effective once a person is mentally aroused.
Anyone who is familiar with orgasm will appreciate this point. If you cannot find a way to get your mind switched on then it doesn’t matter how much you stimulate your genitals – nothing will happen.
Even when I knew how to orgasm from female masturbation, I did not consider using the same orgasm techniques during sex. Many women find that sex with a lover is incompatible with using sexual fantasies.
“My wife is consistently orgasmic. They are obviously not faked. She can’t fake the cries, the involuntary movements, the demands for more stimulation, and everything else that goes with orgasm.
I’ve offered oral and manual stimulation. She rejects oral because she considers it unhygeinic and a short cut for those who lack skills to do it the regular way. She demands my penis as soon as I have an erection. She orgasms through penile thrusting. …
When I lost my virginity to an older, more experienced woman, she eagerly guided my penis into her. … She obviously enjoyed my penis and got three orgasms from penile thrusting alone.
Several years later another woman begged me to make love to her and I did. She wanted my penis inside of her. … She told me once that her body ached for mine. She wanted a penis inside her.
I admit I have not had as much variety as a lot of men have had, but the women with whom I have had sex have demanded a penis. Judging from the intensity of their orgasms, they’ve been very satisfied and would have it no other way. My wife tells me she lets me caress her to orgasm with my fingers only for my enjoyment. She prefers an orgasm with my penis.”
Why is a man with this experience reading these articles in the first place? If everything works for you then that’s fantastic. I am not questioning that people have these experiences that read like erotic fiction. I am interested in discussing any LOGICAL EXPLANATIONS for how women are supposed to achieve these orgasmic feats given the FACTS of female sexuality.
“Most women do not orgasm as a result of intercourse per se. The overwhelming majority of women require specific clitoral contact for orgasm.” (p29 The Hite Reports 1993)
The clitoris is the female sex organ
The FACT is that the vagina has very few nerve endings. To come across even one woman who can feel sensations in a part of the body without nerve endings would be un-nerving but to come across three such women is positively suspicous.
Why would anyone who is hoping for orgasm ignore their own sex organ? It doesn’t make sense. Why are men so ready to accept that although they need penile stimulation in order to orgasm, women orgasm easily without any genital stimulation?
A woman’s sex organ is the clitoris (which has many nerve endings) and if women experienced true sexual arousal then they would want to stimulate their genitals (through clitoral stimulation) just as men do. Women approach sex with a focus on the penis and penile thrusting because male sexual arousal is much easier to achieve.
Relatively few women masturbate and so most women are unaware of what orgasm is or how to achieve it. They are not necessarily even hoping for orgasm from their sexual relationships because they have no experience of it.
For years I was convinced that vaginal intercourse MUST work. Even though my own experience told me that it did not. Even knowing that clitoral stimulation is required for female orgasm did not help because nothing seemed to work with a partner.
I agree with the experience that clitoral stimulation alone does not guarantee orgasm. But the reason for this is that genital stimulation is only effective once a person is mentally aroused.
Anyone who is familiar with orgasm will appreciate this point. If you cannot find a way to get your mind switched on then it doesn’t matter how much you stimulate your genitals – nothing will happen.
Even when I knew how to orgasm from female masturbation, I did not consider using the same orgasm techniques during sex. Many women find that sex with a lover is incompatible with using sexual fantasies.
Thursday 15 October 2009
Women have a lower sex drive
Men’s sexual arousal is usually easy whereas women’s sexual arousal and orgasm is not automatic so unsurprisingly we all tend to find it easier to focus on male sexual arousal during sex.
A man’s orgasm is critical to reproduction and so it makes sense that men are motivated by eroticism and able to reach orgasm easily.
Female orgasm, on the other hand, is not required for a woman to conceive. As much as we might hope for women who can orgasm as easily as men even the wonders of modern contraception cannot change women’s sexuality from what Nature intended it to be.
“ …men and women are manifestly not the same. And nor are their responses to one another.” (p6 Bluffer’s Guide to Men 1998)
If a couple has some understanding of the different rewards that men and women obtain from sex, they can make sure that there is a balance of giving and receiving in their sex life. If we understand how our partner’s responses differ to our own, the modern couple can aspire to ‘quality’ sex within the context of a positive and mutually supportive relationship.
Male sexual arousal is much more automatic
Unlike boys, girls do not experience spontaneous sexual arousal and so they have no similar natural motivation to investigate how their genitals might respond to stimulation. A girl has to be willing to explore eroticism and consciously develop her fantasies in order to discover how her sexual arousal works.
So while most young men are quite naturally motivated to explore their own sexual arousal and to reach orgasm through an appreciation of eroticism and genital stimulation, most young women are, just as naturally, more focused on exploring their emotions and relationships with others. As a consequence, men and women approach sex from very different perspectives.
“…many boys, and nearly all girls, are taught that masturbation is evil, … This is nonsense, of course; masturbation has several very positive values, especially for women.… In childhood and adolescence it teaches a girl to explore her body and not to be ashamed of its shape, its texture, and its surfaces. It teaches her, especially, not to be ashamed of touching and playing with her genitals. It does more. It helps a girl become aware of her response to sexual stimuli and to recognize the stages of sexual arousal. And it enables a girl to develop her own sexuality – to know what she enjoys and what she dislikes – which is important if she is to be fulfilled sexually later.” (p107 EveryMan 1980)
The fact that women masturbate much less frequently (if at all) than men is rarely acknowledged. Even when it is, women are reluctant to accept that this fact indicates that men have a higher sex drive. One woman I spoke to had only learned how to orgasm through masturbation at the age of 26 and at the age of 30 had still not been able to orgasm during sex with a partner.
Despite the contrast with male sexuality, where boys learn to masturbate in their pre-teens and where men orgasm easily (most of the time) with a partner, she could not accept that men’s sex drive might be stronger. Even once they have discovered how to reach orgasm, women have to work much harder at generating sexual arousal.
Relatively few women are familiar with their own sexual arousal and even fewer learn how to apply their orgasm techniques to sex with a partner. A woman who has never masturbated herself to orgasm cannot possibly know for sure that she experiences orgasm during sex because she has no way of knowing what orgasm is.
This probably also explains multiple orgasms. Unless a woman knows what orgasm feels like (from masturbation) she can easily confuse sensations of sexual arousal (or thrills of muscle spasms) with orgasm. My body’s reaction after orgasm is similar to a man’s. I feel completely relaxed and I do not have the ability to arouse myself immediately due to clitoral sensitivity.
A man’s orgasm is critical to reproduction and so it makes sense that men are motivated by eroticism and able to reach orgasm easily.
Female orgasm, on the other hand, is not required for a woman to conceive. As much as we might hope for women who can orgasm as easily as men even the wonders of modern contraception cannot change women’s sexuality from what Nature intended it to be.
“ …men and women are manifestly not the same. And nor are their responses to one another.” (p6 Bluffer’s Guide to Men 1998)
If a couple has some understanding of the different rewards that men and women obtain from sex, they can make sure that there is a balance of giving and receiving in their sex life. If we understand how our partner’s responses differ to our own, the modern couple can aspire to ‘quality’ sex within the context of a positive and mutually supportive relationship.
Male sexual arousal is much more automatic
Unlike boys, girls do not experience spontaneous sexual arousal and so they have no similar natural motivation to investigate how their genitals might respond to stimulation. A girl has to be willing to explore eroticism and consciously develop her fantasies in order to discover how her sexual arousal works.
So while most young men are quite naturally motivated to explore their own sexual arousal and to reach orgasm through an appreciation of eroticism and genital stimulation, most young women are, just as naturally, more focused on exploring their emotions and relationships with others. As a consequence, men and women approach sex from very different perspectives.
“…many boys, and nearly all girls, are taught that masturbation is evil, … This is nonsense, of course; masturbation has several very positive values, especially for women.… In childhood and adolescence it teaches a girl to explore her body and not to be ashamed of its shape, its texture, and its surfaces. It teaches her, especially, not to be ashamed of touching and playing with her genitals. It does more. It helps a girl become aware of her response to sexual stimuli and to recognize the stages of sexual arousal. And it enables a girl to develop her own sexuality – to know what she enjoys and what she dislikes – which is important if she is to be fulfilled sexually later.” (p107 EveryMan 1980)
The fact that women masturbate much less frequently (if at all) than men is rarely acknowledged. Even when it is, women are reluctant to accept that this fact indicates that men have a higher sex drive. One woman I spoke to had only learned how to orgasm through masturbation at the age of 26 and at the age of 30 had still not been able to orgasm during sex with a partner.
Despite the contrast with male sexuality, where boys learn to masturbate in their pre-teens and where men orgasm easily (most of the time) with a partner, she could not accept that men’s sex drive might be stronger. Even once they have discovered how to reach orgasm, women have to work much harder at generating sexual arousal.
Relatively few women are familiar with their own sexual arousal and even fewer learn how to apply their orgasm techniques to sex with a partner. A woman who has never masturbated herself to orgasm cannot possibly know for sure that she experiences orgasm during sex because she has no way of knowing what orgasm is.
This probably also explains multiple orgasms. Unless a woman knows what orgasm feels like (from masturbation) she can easily confuse sensations of sexual arousal (or thrills of muscle spasms) with orgasm. My body’s reaction after orgasm is similar to a man’s. I feel completely relaxed and I do not have the ability to arouse myself immediately due to clitoral sensitivity.
Male nudity does not lead to women's sexual arousal
The naked male body can be a beautiful sight and yet our heterosexual society is dominated by images of women’s bodies. The ancient Greeks were more relaxed about homosexuality and their statues show their appreciation of the sensual male nude.
Gay men certainly appreciate the naked male form, including male genitals. Since women tend to be shocked by male nudity, especially genitals, they are censored in our society. Women admire men more for their status or achievements: in smart dress or uniform.
In 1991 Andrew Stanway’s film ‘The Lover’s Guide’ was a break-through in British censorship of films for general release. He was allowed to show the erect penis for the first time but only because his films were intended for educational purposes.
The film ‘The Wedding Date’ includes a scene where Dermot Mulroney is very relaxed about appearing naked in front of a woman (as if!). The woman’s horrified reaction to a man’s genitals not only indicates how female sexuality differs to male sexuality but also provides a clue as to why women’s sexual arousal is much more elusive with a partner.
Men have more to lose by appearing naked because their erection betrays their intimate thoughts. Men don’t want to expose themselves for fear of being sized up or becoming aroused under scrutiny (’The Full Monty’ film indicates men’s insecurities over nudity).
Men’s sexual arousal arises from looking at images of the naked body of a sexual partner, which explains the daily sales of pornographic magazines. Women, who have explored eroticism and learned about their own sexual arousal through female masturbation, will know that female sexual arousal arises more from the context of relationships and sexual scenarios (sexual fantasies) than from images of the male body.
My own nakedness has never bothered me but men’s interest in women’s bodies teaches us to become self-conscious. Women’s bodies are constantly being scrutinised not only by men but also by women. Anyone with a less than perfect body is ridiculed because the assumption is that any women displaying her body in public must be trying to attract male attention.
The film ‘The Calendar Girls’ tells the story of a group of middle-aged women who posed naked, but tastefully, for a calendar. It caused uproar because they were not young women with flawless bodies but women who had given birth or grown old.
Nudity causes men to think about sex even more than usual and they mistakenly assume that women have the same sexual motivations. While I was sunbathing on a nudist beach, one woman bent over to get suncream out of her bag and my partner suggested that she must have done so deliberately so that the men on the beach could enjoy looking at her genitals.
The fact is that she was much more likely to be just getting sun cream out of her bag! That comment made me aware of needing to keep my legs firmly together on the beach. I have been most relaxed when on a gay nudist beach in Mikonos, Greece because I didn’t have to worry that anyone might assume that I was sunbathing nude as a means of making a sexual invitation.
Gay men certainly appreciate the naked male form, including male genitals. Since women tend to be shocked by male nudity, especially genitals, they are censored in our society. Women admire men more for their status or achievements: in smart dress or uniform.
In 1991 Andrew Stanway’s film ‘The Lover’s Guide’ was a break-through in British censorship of films for general release. He was allowed to show the erect penis for the first time but only because his films were intended for educational purposes.
The film ‘The Wedding Date’ includes a scene where Dermot Mulroney is very relaxed about appearing naked in front of a woman (as if!). The woman’s horrified reaction to a man’s genitals not only indicates how female sexuality differs to male sexuality but also provides a clue as to why women’s sexual arousal is much more elusive with a partner.
Men have more to lose by appearing naked because their erection betrays their intimate thoughts. Men don’t want to expose themselves for fear of being sized up or becoming aroused under scrutiny (’The Full Monty’ film indicates men’s insecurities over nudity).
Men’s sexual arousal arises from looking at images of the naked body of a sexual partner, which explains the daily sales of pornographic magazines. Women, who have explored eroticism and learned about their own sexual arousal through female masturbation, will know that female sexual arousal arises more from the context of relationships and sexual scenarios (sexual fantasies) than from images of the male body.
My own nakedness has never bothered me but men’s interest in women’s bodies teaches us to become self-conscious. Women’s bodies are constantly being scrutinised not only by men but also by women. Anyone with a less than perfect body is ridiculed because the assumption is that any women displaying her body in public must be trying to attract male attention.
The film ‘The Calendar Girls’ tells the story of a group of middle-aged women who posed naked, but tastefully, for a calendar. It caused uproar because they were not young women with flawless bodies but women who had given birth or grown old.
Nudity causes men to think about sex even more than usual and they mistakenly assume that women have the same sexual motivations. While I was sunbathing on a nudist beach, one woman bent over to get suncream out of her bag and my partner suggested that she must have done so deliberately so that the men on the beach could enjoy looking at her genitals.
The fact is that she was much more likely to be just getting sun cream out of her bag! That comment made me aware of needing to keep my legs firmly together on the beach. I have been most relaxed when on a gay nudist beach in Mikonos, Greece because I didn’t have to worry that anyone might assume that I was sunbathing nude as a means of making a sexual invitation.
A sexual relationship
Judy married in the late 1950’s; well before the average woman was informed about what a sexual relationship might involve. Judy’s aspirations were to provide a comfortable home for her family and to enjoy being a wife and a mother.
When I talked to her, Judy was in her mid-sixties with grown up children and a relationship of over 40 years. It was always doubtful whether she would understand a smutty joke but she had a wonderful giggle.
In response to my suggestion that women experience orgasm most easily through masturbation Judy commented: “I am a little bit shocked… I have always thought (totally without any proof) that young men masturbated more than young women. The reason I thought this would be that their thoughts and urges were much stronger in general towards sex.”
Other people mistakenly assume that all young women today can masturbate to orgasm. Even in our ‘modern’ times, it may be that many (if not all) men masturbate but female masturbation is relatively uncommon. Given 99% of men masturbate, only 1% of women need to masturbate to make the following quote true but there is still a considerable bias according to gender!
“People who have never masturbated, while in a statistical minority, should certainly not be made to feel abnormal. … Sexual decisions, in the final analysis must be personal.” (p412 Human Sexuality 1995)
Young women often don’t know how to orgasm and why should they? There are few sources of information to help younger women learn how women’s sexual arousal works or how they can go about enjoying sexual pleasure. Also it can be difficult to find explanations for women’s sexual experiences given that sex advice for women is often misleading.
A sex therapist in her late fifties was totally over-awed by the modern talk of vibrators and orgasm. She was happy to admit her conclusion that young women today are way more experienced than older generations (my view – it depends on the woman). As an ‘expert’ though she confidently advises that clitoral stimulation solves all difficulties with orgasm during sex.
I question whether people giving this advice know, from their own experiences of sex with a partner, that clitoral stimulation automatically leads to female orgasm. The truth is that many women, sex experts or not, have never explored their own sexual arousal and so few are confident to pass on a more realistic view based on their own sexual experiences.
Clitoral stimulation by itself has certainly never produced miracles for me during sex. Equally I am not aware of any research that supports the claim that clitoral stimulation alone is a guarantee of orgasm with a partner. The truth is that even during masturbation, clitoral stimulation only works when combined with the use of highly explicit sexual fantasies.
Women have lower sexual desire
It may have become fashionable (not only acceptable but also actively encouraged) that women should be as positive about sex as men but, whatever the fashion, we cannot change our fundamental biological responses. Flattered by male attention, young women naturally respond by appearing to be ‘more sexual’ than their elders. Unfortunately, society rejects a more representative picture of women’s sexuality because of the cultural pressure to promote women as young and sexy.
In fact the young women I spoke to were just as embarrassed about sex as their elders despite the liberalisation in sexual attitudes. Few women of any age identify with concepts as sexually explicit as clitoral stimulation or female masturbation. The conclusion must be that it is natural and normal for women to be less motivated than men to explore their own sexual arousal.
In any event, lack of orgasm is only a problem if a woman feels that she should have one in the first place. This is likely to be one reason why the scale of the ‘problem’ is rarely acknowledged because, as long as a woman is ignorant of what she is missing, she can happily go through life without ever knowing what an orgasm feels like.
Judy told me how, without preconceptions, a woman simply accepts her experience of sex at face value. Many women, of any generation, never read erotic novels or sex manuals. Being unaware of other women’s experiences, either real or imaginary, they have nothing to reconcile their sexual experiences to. At least Judy was brave enough to comment.
Lack of understanding about female sexuality means most women prefer to say nothing at all. It has certainly made me wonder: if the ‘normal’ experience is to orgasm with a partner then why would more women not be happy to say so?
When I talked to her, Judy was in her mid-sixties with grown up children and a relationship of over 40 years. It was always doubtful whether she would understand a smutty joke but she had a wonderful giggle.
In response to my suggestion that women experience orgasm most easily through masturbation Judy commented: “I am a little bit shocked… I have always thought (totally without any proof) that young men masturbated more than young women. The reason I thought this would be that their thoughts and urges were much stronger in general towards sex.”
Other people mistakenly assume that all young women today can masturbate to orgasm. Even in our ‘modern’ times, it may be that many (if not all) men masturbate but female masturbation is relatively uncommon. Given 99% of men masturbate, only 1% of women need to masturbate to make the following quote true but there is still a considerable bias according to gender!
“People who have never masturbated, while in a statistical minority, should certainly not be made to feel abnormal. … Sexual decisions, in the final analysis must be personal.” (p412 Human Sexuality 1995)
Young women often don’t know how to orgasm and why should they? There are few sources of information to help younger women learn how women’s sexual arousal works or how they can go about enjoying sexual pleasure. Also it can be difficult to find explanations for women’s sexual experiences given that sex advice for women is often misleading.
A sex therapist in her late fifties was totally over-awed by the modern talk of vibrators and orgasm. She was happy to admit her conclusion that young women today are way more experienced than older generations (my view – it depends on the woman). As an ‘expert’ though she confidently advises that clitoral stimulation solves all difficulties with orgasm during sex.
I question whether people giving this advice know, from their own experiences of sex with a partner, that clitoral stimulation automatically leads to female orgasm. The truth is that many women, sex experts or not, have never explored their own sexual arousal and so few are confident to pass on a more realistic view based on their own sexual experiences.
Clitoral stimulation by itself has certainly never produced miracles for me during sex. Equally I am not aware of any research that supports the claim that clitoral stimulation alone is a guarantee of orgasm with a partner. The truth is that even during masturbation, clitoral stimulation only works when combined with the use of highly explicit sexual fantasies.
Women have lower sexual desire
It may have become fashionable (not only acceptable but also actively encouraged) that women should be as positive about sex as men but, whatever the fashion, we cannot change our fundamental biological responses. Flattered by male attention, young women naturally respond by appearing to be ‘more sexual’ than their elders. Unfortunately, society rejects a more representative picture of women’s sexuality because of the cultural pressure to promote women as young and sexy.
In fact the young women I spoke to were just as embarrassed about sex as their elders despite the liberalisation in sexual attitudes. Few women of any age identify with concepts as sexually explicit as clitoral stimulation or female masturbation. The conclusion must be that it is natural and normal for women to be less motivated than men to explore their own sexual arousal.
In any event, lack of orgasm is only a problem if a woman feels that she should have one in the first place. This is likely to be one reason why the scale of the ‘problem’ is rarely acknowledged because, as long as a woman is ignorant of what she is missing, she can happily go through life without ever knowing what an orgasm feels like.
Judy told me how, without preconceptions, a woman simply accepts her experience of sex at face value. Many women, of any generation, never read erotic novels or sex manuals. Being unaware of other women’s experiences, either real or imaginary, they have nothing to reconcile their sexual experiences to. At least Judy was brave enough to comment.
Lack of understanding about female sexuality means most women prefer to say nothing at all. It has certainly made me wonder: if the ‘normal’ experience is to orgasm with a partner then why would more women not be happy to say so?
Positions and techniques for sexual intercourse
Shere Hite explained back in the 1970’s how the women in her surveys reached orgasm during sex with a partner. She compared women’s success with orgasm during masturbation to their experience of intercourse and concluded that it was the lack of clitoral stimulation that explained the difference.
Women’s sexual arousal and orgasm is not automatic and so women have to learn how to orgasm.
“To have an orgasm during intercourse, there are two ways a woman can increase her chances always remembering that she is adapting her body to less than adequate stimulation.
(1) First and most important, she must consciously try to apply her masturbation techniques to intercourse, or experiment to find out what else may work for her to get clitoral stimulation; or,
(2) she can work out a sexual relationship with a particular man who can meet her individual needs.” (p51 The Hite Reports 1993)
The only women Shere Hite categorised as able to reach orgasm from intercourse alone were those who did not manually stimulate the clitoris during sex. In attempting to understand how these women were successful with intercourse, she concluded that they usually took steps to ensure that they maximised the effects of indirect clitoral stimulation (from the action of the penis thrusting in the vagina) by finding suitable positions and techniques for sexual intercourse.
Finding an effective position for intercourse can take years
Liz, an attractive professional woman in her late forties, was confident in offering me advice. She told me to get a copy of Alex Comfort’s book ‘Joy of Sex’ and that “everything else would follow”. She and her partner had found a position for intercourse that made it possible for her to reach orgasm. They had evolved their use of this position over a number of years not by explicit discussion but through trial and error. Liz confirmed that she used sexual fantasies during sex for sexual arousal and orgasm.
Of the women I talked to, those who told me they experienced orgasms during sex were often dismissive of female masturbation. Without the experience of orgasm from masturbation, a woman is more accepting of sex without orgasm. If over time, she does eventually find a way to make intercourse orgasmic then she only stands to be pleasantly surprised. Since these women have no other sexual outlet, if they are ever to enjoy indulging their sexual instincts it has to be during sex with a partner.
“Twenty-five to 30 percent of women climax without additional clitoral stimulation. Experts believe these women may have a larger clitoris than usual so it’s more easily ‘rubbed’ by a thrusting penis.” (p101 Hot Sex – 1998)
Liz was evidently not relaxed about discussing sex and admitted that she was unenthusiastic about female masturbation. Ten or more years into a relationship, many couples will be in their thirties. The man is likely to be less trigger-happy and hence able to spend longer stimulating his partner through thrusting. The woman may find that her body is more receptive to being aroused. A healthy amount of ‘inhibited’ under-the-covers sex (with the lights off) would actually facilitate a woman’s use of sexual fantasies.
Women’s sexual arousal and orgasm is not automatic and so women have to learn how to orgasm.
“To have an orgasm during intercourse, there are two ways a woman can increase her chances always remembering that she is adapting her body to less than adequate stimulation.
(1) First and most important, she must consciously try to apply her masturbation techniques to intercourse, or experiment to find out what else may work for her to get clitoral stimulation; or,
(2) she can work out a sexual relationship with a particular man who can meet her individual needs.” (p51 The Hite Reports 1993)
The only women Shere Hite categorised as able to reach orgasm from intercourse alone were those who did not manually stimulate the clitoris during sex. In attempting to understand how these women were successful with intercourse, she concluded that they usually took steps to ensure that they maximised the effects of indirect clitoral stimulation (from the action of the penis thrusting in the vagina) by finding suitable positions and techniques for sexual intercourse.
Finding an effective position for intercourse can take years
Liz, an attractive professional woman in her late forties, was confident in offering me advice. She told me to get a copy of Alex Comfort’s book ‘Joy of Sex’ and that “everything else would follow”. She and her partner had found a position for intercourse that made it possible for her to reach orgasm. They had evolved their use of this position over a number of years not by explicit discussion but through trial and error. Liz confirmed that she used sexual fantasies during sex for sexual arousal and orgasm.
Of the women I talked to, those who told me they experienced orgasms during sex were often dismissive of female masturbation. Without the experience of orgasm from masturbation, a woman is more accepting of sex without orgasm. If over time, she does eventually find a way to make intercourse orgasmic then she only stands to be pleasantly surprised. Since these women have no other sexual outlet, if they are ever to enjoy indulging their sexual instincts it has to be during sex with a partner.
“Twenty-five to 30 percent of women climax without additional clitoral stimulation. Experts believe these women may have a larger clitoris than usual so it’s more easily ‘rubbed’ by a thrusting penis.” (p101 Hot Sex – 1998)
Liz was evidently not relaxed about discussing sex and admitted that she was unenthusiastic about female masturbation. Ten or more years into a relationship, many couples will be in their thirties. The man is likely to be less trigger-happy and hence able to spend longer stimulating his partner through thrusting. The woman may find that her body is more receptive to being aroused. A healthy amount of ‘inhibited’ under-the-covers sex (with the lights off) would actually facilitate a woman’s use of sexual fantasies.
Sex advice for women is often misleading
Natalie, a woman in her late twenties, had a close relationship with her mother who was a doctor. I approached Natalie hoping that a mother with a medical background might be more likely than others to have discussed her sexual experiences with a daughter.
When young women have difficulty reaching orgasm during sex, it can be difficult for them to find answers. Natalie was relieved and grateful on realising that she was not alone experiencing a lack of sexual arousal during sex. She was too embarrassed to talk to me but wrote: “On reading your book, I spoke to my mum who said (I quote!): ‘Of course you don’t orgasm during sex!’ Like this was a well known fact!!!!”
For me, Natalie epitomised the modern professional young woman: successful, attractive and confident. Tall and slim, she wore her blond hair cut short, which gave her a sweet elfish look.
I envied the easy-going friendships she maintained with her male work colleagues both within and outside the workplace. Despite her predicament, it was evident that Natalie had never been either brave or curious enough to look for explanations for women’s sexual arousal through reading or talking to someone.
“Everything you talk about in your book, particularly with reference to your problems with having an orgasm during sexual intercourse, I had been having the same problem. For many years, I had thought there was something wrong with me but was just too embarrassed to talk to anyone about it.”
“In fact, I once heard on a radio talk show someone called in and said they couldn’t orgasm during sex. The response to the person having the problem was to blame this on the man!” Holding men responsible for women’s sexual arousal makes men feel inadequate and puts pressure on women to fake orgasm.
It’s amazing that we think we live in the age of information and at a time when people have relatively relaxed attitudes towards sex. Yet this educated young woman was still unable to find information to explain her experience of sex or even to talk to her friends or to her mother. Young women often don’t know how to orgasm and unfortunately there are very few sources of information to help them learn.
The taboo over revealing information of a personal nature means that we respect the fact that sex experts never discuss their own sexual experiences. But sex is personal and anyone advising others about sex should have their relevant personal experiences on public record. Currently, anyone (even a man) is entitled to advise women on orgasm even if they have no qualifying experience.
Natalie told me: “As a result (of reading your book) my relationship with my partner has stepped up a level. I had been reluctant to have sex with him for about a year as I had it in my head that HIS inability to make me orgasm during intercourse must mean I didn’t love him or don’t want to be with him…!”
“Waiting for the Right Man to make us orgasm is like waiting for the prince to come.” (p254 The Hite Report 1976)
Why is it so difficult to find answers? Female orgasm is not required either for men’s enjoyment of sex or for successful reproduction. To keep her man happy and to have a family, a woman is more likely to be concerned with the basics of whether sexual intercourse is possible than with orgasm (the cherry on the cake!).
So typically sex experts deal with sexual dysfunction (primarily problems with male sexual performance). Any problem with female sexual performance, even though considered to be a sexual dysfunction, is not as well understood. The vast majority of women accept their experience of sex or are too embarrassed to question. Since relatively few women are seeking answers there is little funding to improve our understanding of female sexual arousal and orgasm.
When young women have difficulty reaching orgasm during sex, it can be difficult for them to find answers. Natalie was relieved and grateful on realising that she was not alone experiencing a lack of sexual arousal during sex. She was too embarrassed to talk to me but wrote: “On reading your book, I spoke to my mum who said (I quote!): ‘Of course you don’t orgasm during sex!’ Like this was a well known fact!!!!”
For me, Natalie epitomised the modern professional young woman: successful, attractive and confident. Tall and slim, she wore her blond hair cut short, which gave her a sweet elfish look.
I envied the easy-going friendships she maintained with her male work colleagues both within and outside the workplace. Despite her predicament, it was evident that Natalie had never been either brave or curious enough to look for explanations for women’s sexual arousal through reading or talking to someone.
“Everything you talk about in your book, particularly with reference to your problems with having an orgasm during sexual intercourse, I had been having the same problem. For many years, I had thought there was something wrong with me but was just too embarrassed to talk to anyone about it.”
“In fact, I once heard on a radio talk show someone called in and said they couldn’t orgasm during sex. The response to the person having the problem was to blame this on the man!” Holding men responsible for women’s sexual arousal makes men feel inadequate and puts pressure on women to fake orgasm.
It’s amazing that we think we live in the age of information and at a time when people have relatively relaxed attitudes towards sex. Yet this educated young woman was still unable to find information to explain her experience of sex or even to talk to her friends or to her mother. Young women often don’t know how to orgasm and unfortunately there are very few sources of information to help them learn.
The taboo over revealing information of a personal nature means that we respect the fact that sex experts never discuss their own sexual experiences. But sex is personal and anyone advising others about sex should have their relevant personal experiences on public record. Currently, anyone (even a man) is entitled to advise women on orgasm even if they have no qualifying experience.
Natalie told me: “As a result (of reading your book) my relationship with my partner has stepped up a level. I had been reluctant to have sex with him for about a year as I had it in my head that HIS inability to make me orgasm during intercourse must mean I didn’t love him or don’t want to be with him…!”
“Waiting for the Right Man to make us orgasm is like waiting for the prince to come.” (p254 The Hite Report 1976)
Why is it so difficult to find answers? Female orgasm is not required either for men’s enjoyment of sex or for successful reproduction. To keep her man happy and to have a family, a woman is more likely to be concerned with the basics of whether sexual intercourse is possible than with orgasm (the cherry on the cake!).
So typically sex experts deal with sexual dysfunction (primarily problems with male sexual performance). Any problem with female sexual performance, even though considered to be a sexual dysfunction, is not as well understood. The vast majority of women accept their experience of sex or are too embarrassed to question. Since relatively few women are seeking answers there is little funding to improve our understanding of female sexual arousal and orgasm.
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