Female sexuality in perspective

Wikipedia notes that humans are one of the few species known to have intercourse even when the female is not in estrus (the most fertile period of time in the female’s reproductive cycle).
Intelligent social animals learn that cooperative behaviour can be far more successful than that of any individual alone. Hence the Wikipedia entry concludes that, for humans, the use of sex has evolved beyond reproduction to reinforce strong emotional bonds between sexual partners important in long-term sexual relationships.
So humans have sex for a variety of reasons:
recreational: enjoyment of sexual pleasure;
bonding: emotional intimacy to support longer-term sexual relationships (deferred reproductive); and
reproductive: directly seeking to achieve pregnancy.
Individuals are motivated by each of these to varying degrees. Our social history indicates that men are more likely to benefit from enjoying sexual pleasure. After all, only men are motivated to pay for sex. Whereas women are more likely to benefit from the emotional intimacy that keeps a man motivated to support the family.
Reproduction is the main purpose of sex
With all the hype about sexual pleasure it is easy to forget that the PRIME purpose of sex is to reproduce. This involves not only a man impregnating a woman but also the provision of a PROTECTED environment in which a child can hope to reach maturity.
Even today a woman benefits from having the protection of a strong and capable man. So a woman chooses a man who is likely to be able to protect her and a family against the threat from other human males as well as other dangers. Sex provides an emotional intimacy that makes a relationship more stable and more capable of sustaining children in the future.
If a woman wanted sex the same way that men do, they might be tempted to have sex with many different men even when they have children. But who would support them while they are raising all the resulting children? A man wants to know that a child is his before his is likely to be willing to contribute towards its upkeep.
A human female needs to be able to offer a mate the sexual interaction he needs so that he does not seek sex elsewhere. Now we might think that Nature would ensure this by causing sex to be equally pleasurable for men and women. The fact is that there is no need for this because women already have enough incentive: the survival of themselves and their children.
Kiera Knightley stars in the film ‘The Duchess’ in the title role as the Duchess of Devonshire (1757 – 1806). The story portrays the duchess in a loveless marriage under obligation to provide a male heir for her husband. She falls in love with another man but if she spends her life with him she loses the right to live with her children.
Given the choice between sexual pleasure with the man she loves and her children, she chooses to raise her children. Many men are perplexed when women lose interest in sex once their family is complete. Ultimately, the prime purpose of female sexuality is for a woman is to raise a family.

Sexual promiscuity

Renate, a young student of twenty-six liked to be affectionate with her male friends but she was bewildered when they interpreted her hugs as a sexual advance.
A man tends to assume that physical intimacy is a given as soon as a woman shows any form of intimacy with him. A woman needs more time to build the trust and respect that generate the emotional intimacy that causes her to be amenable to sex with a man.
“Women associate affection with love. … Men associate affection much more directly with sex. … Men see affection of any kind as a sexual invitation. Many women find this bewildering.” (p264 Why Men don’t get enough Sex and Women don’t get enough Love 1994)
This explains in part why women can happily kiss each other, touch and go to the bathroom together without any sexual implication. It is much more difficult for men to engage in the same kind of innocent intimacy with others of the same sex because men’s intentions when seeking physical intimacy are so often sexually motivated.
One evening Renate invited some friends for supper and after the others had left, one young man simply went upstairs and got into her bed. Renate did not know how to ask him to leave and so she had sex with him. After having sex with a number of male friends at college, Renate found that even some of the men started to treat her disrespectfully.
In fact, a sexually demanding partner can be a turn-off for a man. Simply put, men prefer to be the ones chasing women rather than the other way around. Nevertheless, they are unlikely to see the contradiction in wanting their woman to be enthusiastic about sexual opportunities with them even when they know that she is less driven by sex in general.
Men are rarely called sluts
We accept men being promiscuous because of their sex drive but women do not have the same excuse. This is why we can admire James Bond’s light-hearted sexual exploits but all three women in Charlie’s Angels are engaged in committed relationships. From a male perspective it might appear that women are inhibited but the truth is that most women are naturally more selective about who they have sex with.
This is why many people believe in sheltering young women from eroticism because it is generally much more difficult for women to enjoy the same sexual pleasure that men do, especially from casual sex. Most women who learn how to orgasm with a partner do so only after many years with the same man.
Teenage girls need to be reassured that they should never feel bulldozed into sex by the popular view that sex is always easily pleasurable for women. True sexual liberation means girls having control over their own body and the confidence to hope to enjoy arousal from their sexual relationships.
In the film ‘Fifth Element’, Bruce Willis kisses the alien beauty assuming that she is unconscious. Jumping up instantly, she points a gun at him and gabbles quite unintelligibly. Later, he asks for a translation, “Not without my permission”. He smiles wryly and acknowledges, “I thought so”. Whatever taunts are thrown out by men looking for a frivolous lay, in the longer term men respect a more picky woman.
“When men see an attractive woman, they fantasise about sex. When women see an attractive man, they fantasise about a relationship – charming, agreeable company over dinner, friendship and comfort. Sex does not necessarily come into it.” (p30 Bluffers Guide to Women 1998)

A man's sexual arousal can be very flattering

In the early days of a romance, a man feels loved and needed through sex. A man’s sexual admiration for a woman makes her feel cared for and appreciated.
“Men are motivated and empowered when they feel needed… Women are motivated and empowered when they feel cherished…” (p43 Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus)
In the film ‘The Mirror has two Faces’, Barbra Streisand and Jeff Bridges star as a couple who agree to marry with no intention of ever having sex together. On continued sexual rejection by her husband, Barbra admits “I don’t do anything to you – that’s the problem.” She continues: “I believe in lust and sex and romance. I want someone to go crazy, out of his mind for me.” Sex and love are often confused for women and, for many women, sex need not be about orgasm at all.
Just as men feel valued as providers, women feel valued for being attractive. A woman wants to be rushed off her feet with the passion of her man’s sex drive. She wants to be adored. A woman’s ability to turn her man on causes him to want her both sexually as well as to ‘love and to hold’. Women have this power to attract a man and some people even define female sexuality in these terms.
In Rod Stewart’s song ‘You’re in my heart’ he explains “You are my lover, you’re my best friend”. Emotionally, it’s possible that men need women more than women need men because men don’t share emotional intimacy with others as easily as women do. It is sex that binds a man to a woman and motivates him to fight to the death if necessary to protect her. ‘Titanic’ was one of the most popular films of all time because women love the idea that a man could be so totally devoted.
“How to satisfy a woman every time: Caress, praise, pamper, … die for, dream of, tease, gratify, squeeze, indulge, idolise, worship. How to satisfy a man every time: Arrive naked. ” (p93 Why men don’t listen 1999)
Like it or not, sexual relationships favour male orgasm and naturally, given their drive to reach orgasm, men hope a lover will enhance their sexual arousal. Being the appreciative female lover can be one of the ways that a woman shows that she cares about her partner. She becomes less willing over time when she realises that he does not care about her priorities and feelings. Showing that you care about someone involves talking together and seeking an understanding of how the other person feels and what is important to them.
“A man’s sense of self is defined through his ability to achieve results. ” (p16 Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus)
“A woman’s sense of self is defined through her feelings and the quality of her relationships. ” (p18 Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus)

Emotional intimacy may lead to physical intimacy

Sex does not stand on its own in a relationship and in long-term sexual relationships, a couple will need to invest in their wider relationship. The candle-lit dinners, soft music and flowers we tend to associate with romance provide the backdrop for the companionable aspects of the relationship. Emotional intimacy involves spending intimate time together by talking over dinner, while taking a walk or as you prepare a meal together.
“Women need to feel a degree of sexual intimacy before sex becomes desirable… For women, intimacy sometimes results in sex; for men, sex sometimes results in intimacy.” (p15 Bluffer’s Guide to Women 1998)
Men may have sex constantly on the brain but a woman’s mind does not tend to dwell on her genitals (or anyone else’s!) during the course of a normal day. The result is that women’s sexual arousal is not automatic in the way that men’s tends to be. How to get laid: you need to lead up to sex by creating an environment that will lead to emotional and physical intimacy and hopefully sex.
Men are not a sexual commodity in the way that women can be to men. So, for example, we don’t refer to men as blondes or brunettes. We want a friend, a companion and, yes, a lover but someone who is interested in us as a person as much as a body.
“Above all women like men who take an interest in them.” (p29 Bluffer’s Guide to Women 1998)
Sexual relationships favour male orgasm and yet men are often reluctant to invest effort in pleasuring a woman. A woman is initially flattered when a man gets turned on by her body but over time she comes to doubt that he is devoted to her personally because his sexual frustration is so apparent. A difficult one for men but… try not to be too obvious about your own need for orgasm.
“A woman… wants more intimacy, comprising affection, commitment, and respect for individual identity… Although she knows he wants sex, she is frustrated because this seems to be the only form of intimacy he is interested in with her.” (p77 Why Men don’t get enough Sex and Women don’t get enough Love 1994)
In essence, women want to feel appreciated in a wider sense than just as a sexual partner. A woman is much more likely to be willing to pleasure her man when she feels good about the relationship in general. In the longer term, a man will also need to return the favour by ensuring that the woman receives some pampering by including a more sensual massage.