Sheltering young women from eroticism

Reading the word ‘sexy’, a boy of nine screwed up his face in a gesture of disgust and said “Yuck!”. I asked him why and he replied, “Because my parents told me it’s disgusting”. Presumably these parents are trying to warn their son away from the temptations of sexual pleasure with its associated immoral behaviour.
For women, there has always been acceptance of sex within the context of family but disapproval of sex for pleasure. In fact where a woman’s only sexual experiences are of intercourse, she is unlikely to ever discover her own sexual arousal.
Since women’s sexual arousal and orgasm is not automatic many women have no experience of enjoying their own sexual arousal and orgasm (either through masturbation or through exploring sex with a partner). Women’s sexual arousal relies on sexual fantasies and so without an appreciation of eroticism many women have no expectation for enjoying their own sexual pleasure.
“Women often feel they have no right to sexual experience apart from that which a man provides.” (p62 Woman’s Experience of Sex 1983)
Many women are disgusted by pornography because it appears to display women’s bodies like a meat market for male gratification. Women who appreciate being able to arouse a lover learn that male turn-ons simply work differently. A woman who learns how to orgasm, also knows the humility of accepting that the adult world cannot always be squeaky clean. Many other women (with fewer sexual instincts) can only justify sex as part of a loving relationship.
Disapproval of sexual promiscuity
Many people believe that women are always exploited through sex because men stand to gain so much more pleasure. Melanie Phillips (Daily Mail – 24th February 2003) complains about those who want to provide young people (girls of fifteen) with the facts about adult heterosexual practices (including oral sex and anal sex).
Melanie fears (as do many others) that knowledge about enjoying sexual pleasure will damage the teenagers’ emotional development and suggests that “genital gratification separated from a permanent loving commitment is a form of degradation.” She also believes that “spiritual and emotional meaning distinguishes human sexual activity from animal behaviour”.
There is no reason why honest information about sex should encourage sexual promiscuity in girls. Neither is it likely that knowing how couples enjoy sex in long-term sexual relationships will interfere with any loving relationship a woman might hope for – in fact quite the reverse. There is a double standard because no one worries that knowledge of sexual pleasure will do boys any harm.
The view that women’s experience of sex should be restricted to marriage almost denies the fact that a woman might be capable of appreciating her sexual experiences for their own sake. The fact is that some women do explore sexual pleasure. At its best, sex can be an innocent pleasure for any couple to enjoy whether they are married or not. If a woman finds a man she likes and respects, then the sex is sure to be even better.

Sexual promiscuity

Renate, a young student of twenty-six liked to be affectionate with her male friends but she was bewildered when they interpreted her hugs as a sexual advance.
A man tends to assume that physical intimacy is a given as soon as a woman shows any form of intimacy with him. A woman needs more time to build the trust and respect that generate the emotional intimacy that causes her to be amenable to sex with a man.
“Women associate affection with love. … Men associate affection much more directly with sex. … Men see affection of any kind as a sexual invitation. Many women find this bewildering.” (p264 Why Men don’t get enough Sex and Women don’t get enough Love 1994)
This explains in part why women can happily kiss each other, touch and go to the bathroom together without any sexual implication. It is much more difficult for men to engage in the same kind of innocent intimacy with others of the same sex because men’s intentions when seeking physical intimacy are so often sexually motivated.
One evening Renate invited some friends for supper and after the others had left, one young man simply went upstairs and got into her bed. Renate did not know how to ask him to leave and so she had sex with him. After having sex with a number of male friends at college, Renate found that even some of the men started to treat her disrespectfully.
In fact, a sexually demanding partner can be a turn-off for a man. Simply put, men prefer to be the ones chasing women rather than the other way around. Nevertheless, they are unlikely to see the contradiction in wanting their woman to be enthusiastic about sexual opportunities with them even when they know that she is less driven by sex in general.
Men are rarely called sluts
We accept men being promiscuous because of their sex drive but women do not have the same excuse. This is why we can admire James Bond’s light-hearted sexual exploits but all three women in Charlie’s Angels are engaged in committed relationships. From a male perspective it might appear that women are inhibited but the truth is that most women are naturally more selective about who they have sex with.
This is why many people believe in sheltering young women from eroticism because it is generally much more difficult for women to enjoy the same sexual pleasure that men do, especially from casual sex. Most women who learn how to orgasm with a partner do so only after many years with the same man.
Teenage girls need to be reassured that they should never feel bulldozed into sex by the popular view that sex is always easily pleasurable for women. True sexual liberation means girls having control over their own body and the confidence to hope to enjoy arousal from their sexual relationships.
In the film ‘Fifth Element’, Bruce Willis kisses the alien beauty assuming that she is unconscious. Jumping up instantly, she points a gun at him and gabbles quite unintelligibly. Later, he asks for a translation, “Not without my permission”. He smiles wryly and acknowledges, “I thought so”. Whatever taunts are thrown out by men looking for a frivolous lay, in the longer term men respect a more picky woman.
“When men see an attractive woman, they fantasise about sex. When women see an attractive man, they fantasise about a relationship – charming, agreeable company over dinner, friendship and comfort. Sex does not necessarily come into it.” (p30 Bluffers Guide to Women 1998)