Shere Hite explained how women apply orgasm techniques in order to reach orgasm during intercourse. Women’s sexual arousal and orgasm is not automatic and so women have to learn how to orgasm. Inevitably, such techniques take time to develop.
“ … the two reasons women don’t orgasm during intercourse are:
(1) they are given false information, specifically they are told that the penis thrusting in the vagina will cause orgasm; and
(2) they are intimidated from exploring and touching their bodies… They do not control their own stimulation.” (p53 The Hite Reports 1993)
Research indicates that masturbation is innate but sex itself is learned. We know that vaginal intercourse is reproductive and so we assume it also leads to sexual pleasure.
Unfortunately, female orgasm is not required for reproduction and so vaginal intercourse is not designed, either physically or psychologically, to provide a woman with orgasm. Luckily other sexual activities can be just as enjoyable as (if not more than) intercourse.
Intercourse naturally allows a man to control his own physical stimulation (of the penis) through thrusting. Even if the woman takes the initiative and ‘rides’ her man from on top, she is still stimulating his penis with her vagina. A couple needs to build into their sex life the same freedom for the woman to obtain the clitoral stimulation that she needs.
Clitoral stimulation is not everything
If a woman knows how to masturbate to orgasm, she may be able to obtain the additional clitoral stimulation she needs by applying her orgasm techniques to sex while her man penetrates her. Either her partner stimulates her clitoris or more usually she masturbates herself during intercourse using a rear-entry position e.g. in the spoon position (imagine spoons lying side by side in the drawer).
Of course, this kind of sensitive technique is difficult for a man to learn as he needs to rely on his partner’s feedback. The likely areas, equivalent to the erogenous areas in a man, include the labia themselves (the length of the penis), either side of the labia (the testicles), the entrance to the vagina (base of the penis) and around the anus.
A man needs to learn how his partner reacts when stimulation is pleasurable. The signs of sexual arousal in a woman are subtler than for a man but include the degree and consistency of her vaginal fluids, the extent that the vaginal entrance and labia are swollen and the degree of clitoral erection.
“Forget the missionary position. Most men think that if they stick it in you you’ll be screaming with orgasm, just as long as they keep at it enough” says Ruth, 30. “It’s just not so. No matter how much you pump, nothing is going to happen, apart from her writing a mental shopping list for Tesco. Unless, of course the clitoris is involved. And that’s physically impossible if you’re lying on top.” (Men’s Health magazine Jan/Feb 1998)
Transferring orgasm techniques from masturbation to sex can be difficult for a woman because some sexual fantasies are more difficult to use during sex with a partner. Unfortunately not every woman is able to focus on fantasy during sex.
Showing posts with label how to orgasm. Show all posts
Showing posts with label how to orgasm. Show all posts
Friday, 16 October 2009
Defending the modern image of female sexuality
The issue of women’s sexual arousal and orgasm with a partner is surrounded by mis-information, contrary opinions and, above all, defensiveness. More often than not, our understanding revolves around debating OPINIONS rather than the FACTS.
A male doctor claims: “Many, if not most, women by the time they are 30 regularly achieve orgasm during penetrative sex or immediately afterwards with mutual masturbation”.
In the SAME article (The Times, 4th October 2008), a female therapist contradicts: “There is no avoiding the fact that orgasm is problematic for a significant percentage of women”.
One issue is that sources often do not specify whether they are talking about orgasm during masturbation or during sex. For example, (on the basis of a survey) one UK medical site states: “the average British female first learns to reach orgasm at age 19″.
Women are still told they will orgasm ‘naturally’ when they love a man. Romance may cause a woman to be amenable to sex but anyone who is familiar with orgasm will know that reaching orgasm involves a release of SEXUAL emotions not LOVING emotions.
It is often implied that women can generate sexual arousal from purely loving emotions. This indicates a misunderstanding about how sexual arousal is achieved. Even men need to use eroticism (erotic images or the body of a sexual partner) for sexual arousal.
Female sexual arousal is a political issue
Having been been brave enough to ask personal questions about sex, I have been shocked by just how defensive, patronising and openly hostile people have been. Small wonder more women don’t ask questions.
Some women claim orgasms during sex ‘just happen’ but they are rarely able to explain how their arousal works. When faced with women who do not share their experience of easy sexual arousal and orgasm they can be easily offended and quickly become defensive. This has made it very unpleasant to try to understand female sexuality by comparing notes with others.
The FACT that many women never orgasm during sex threatens other people’s confidence in their own experiences. I have not found even one expert who has been willing to talk openly about how to orgasm with a partner.
One woman was ‘highly offended’ by anyone questioning whether women orgasm as easily as men. I’m sorry to burst anyone’s bubble but the evidence is there for anyone to see even if they claim that their own experience makes such a thing impossible.
She continued “Many reports note that in heterosexual sex relationships, the woman’s inability to orgasm is in part due to her partner’s inability to give her an orgasm, among other reasons.” That’s very nice isn’t it? Let’s blame it all on men.
So men are advised that physical stimulation techniques (oral sex, thrusting or the G-spot) will ‘make her scream pure bliss and beg you not to stop all night long’. But if women orgasm as easily as men do then why are these articles needed at all? Why are there no similar articles advising women on how to give their man an orgasm?
I also question not only WHY but also HOW exactly is a man supposed to give a woman an orgasm? Isn’t this slightly patronising? Shere Hite concluded in the 1970’s that the women who succeeded with orgasm (not all by any means) usually did it for themselves. Women LEARN how to orgasm by applying their orgasm techniques (learned from masturbation) to sex.
The fact is that relatively few women masturbate and so they never discover true sexual arousal. If a woman does not know how to give herself an orgasm then it is unlikely that someone else will be able to. Sexual arousal originates in the brain and no man, whatever physical stimulation techniques he uses, can control what happens inside a woman’s head.
A male doctor claims: “Many, if not most, women by the time they are 30 regularly achieve orgasm during penetrative sex or immediately afterwards with mutual masturbation”.
In the SAME article (The Times, 4th October 2008), a female therapist contradicts: “There is no avoiding the fact that orgasm is problematic for a significant percentage of women”.
One issue is that sources often do not specify whether they are talking about orgasm during masturbation or during sex. For example, (on the basis of a survey) one UK medical site states: “the average British female first learns to reach orgasm at age 19″.
Women are still told they will orgasm ‘naturally’ when they love a man. Romance may cause a woman to be amenable to sex but anyone who is familiar with orgasm will know that reaching orgasm involves a release of SEXUAL emotions not LOVING emotions.
It is often implied that women can generate sexual arousal from purely loving emotions. This indicates a misunderstanding about how sexual arousal is achieved. Even men need to use eroticism (erotic images or the body of a sexual partner) for sexual arousal.
Female sexual arousal is a political issue
Having been been brave enough to ask personal questions about sex, I have been shocked by just how defensive, patronising and openly hostile people have been. Small wonder more women don’t ask questions.
Some women claim orgasms during sex ‘just happen’ but they are rarely able to explain how their arousal works. When faced with women who do not share their experience of easy sexual arousal and orgasm they can be easily offended and quickly become defensive. This has made it very unpleasant to try to understand female sexuality by comparing notes with others.
The FACT that many women never orgasm during sex threatens other people’s confidence in their own experiences. I have not found even one expert who has been willing to talk openly about how to orgasm with a partner.
One woman was ‘highly offended’ by anyone questioning whether women orgasm as easily as men. I’m sorry to burst anyone’s bubble but the evidence is there for anyone to see even if they claim that their own experience makes such a thing impossible.
She continued “Many reports note that in heterosexual sex relationships, the woman’s inability to orgasm is in part due to her partner’s inability to give her an orgasm, among other reasons.” That’s very nice isn’t it? Let’s blame it all on men.
So men are advised that physical stimulation techniques (oral sex, thrusting or the G-spot) will ‘make her scream pure bliss and beg you not to stop all night long’. But if women orgasm as easily as men do then why are these articles needed at all? Why are there no similar articles advising women on how to give their man an orgasm?
I also question not only WHY but also HOW exactly is a man supposed to give a woman an orgasm? Isn’t this slightly patronising? Shere Hite concluded in the 1970’s that the women who succeeded with orgasm (not all by any means) usually did it for themselves. Women LEARN how to orgasm by applying their orgasm techniques (learned from masturbation) to sex.
The fact is that relatively few women masturbate and so they never discover true sexual arousal. If a woman does not know how to give herself an orgasm then it is unlikely that someone else will be able to. Sexual arousal originates in the brain and no man, whatever physical stimulation techniques he uses, can control what happens inside a woman’s head.
Thursday, 15 October 2009
Not every woman is attracted to eroticism
Most girls probably read romantic stories but not everyone is comfortable with the more explicitly sexual nature of erotic stories, which help a woman develop the sexual fantasies that lead to orgasm. Our sexual fantasies represent the aspects of sex that we find most arousing and hence most taboo.
“Although every child learns that pretending is an important type of play, sexual fantasies after childhood are usually not thought of as playful. This attitude may exist because sex is usually regarded as a serious matter, even in the imagination. Furthermore, some religious traditions regard a thought as equivalent to an act; thus, a person who has ‘immoral’ sexual daydreams or desires is as sinful as a person who acts on those impulses.” (p413 Human Sexuality (fifth edition) 1995)
Women have more conscious choice over their sexual arousal
Men might feel embarrassed (or they might not!) as they head off to buy their pornographic magazines. Their regular need to release sexual frustration through orgasm is such that men do not have the luxury of deciding to be ‘pure’. Women’s sexual arousal and orgasm is not automatic as a man’s tends to be and so women have to learn how to orgasm.
Women are not attracted to eroticism as easily as men on average (in fact the majority of women find almost any form of eroticism objectionable). Equally a woman has much more conscious control over the extent to which she allows herself to indulge in the erotic thoughts that might lead to enjoying orgasm. Since female masturbation is relatively uncommon many women never discover orgasm and do not necessarily even have hopes for enjoying sexual pleasure with a lover.
“ … fantasy and sexual desire often merge together. People with low levels of sexual desire typically have few sexual fantasies…” (p415 Human Sexuality (fifth edition) 1995)
A good-looking and successful guy in his mid-forties, was very popular with the ladies. Ironically, he was always hoping for a long-term partner but so far had only managed serial relationships (some lasting months and some years). He told me that not one of the women he had been with over the years had been open to the idea of watching porn movies.
Many women never discover orgasm through masturbation and hence never know what they are missing. Having enjoyed orgasm throughout my adult life, it is definitely an experience I would not want to have missed but I can quite see why many women are happy to do without.
“For most women orgasm does not have this central role in life. And if it does, it tends to be for a small part of their lives, and often to melt into the background against other significant experiences and other expressions of their sexuality.” (p80 Woman’s Experience of Sex 1983)
“Although every child learns that pretending is an important type of play, sexual fantasies after childhood are usually not thought of as playful. This attitude may exist because sex is usually regarded as a serious matter, even in the imagination. Furthermore, some religious traditions regard a thought as equivalent to an act; thus, a person who has ‘immoral’ sexual daydreams or desires is as sinful as a person who acts on those impulses.” (p413 Human Sexuality (fifth edition) 1995)
Women have more conscious choice over their sexual arousal
Men might feel embarrassed (or they might not!) as they head off to buy their pornographic magazines. Their regular need to release sexual frustration through orgasm is such that men do not have the luxury of deciding to be ‘pure’. Women’s sexual arousal and orgasm is not automatic as a man’s tends to be and so women have to learn how to orgasm.
Women are not attracted to eroticism as easily as men on average (in fact the majority of women find almost any form of eroticism objectionable). Equally a woman has much more conscious control over the extent to which she allows herself to indulge in the erotic thoughts that might lead to enjoying orgasm. Since female masturbation is relatively uncommon many women never discover orgasm and do not necessarily even have hopes for enjoying sexual pleasure with a lover.
“ … fantasy and sexual desire often merge together. People with low levels of sexual desire typically have few sexual fantasies…” (p415 Human Sexuality (fifth edition) 1995)
A good-looking and successful guy in his mid-forties, was very popular with the ladies. Ironically, he was always hoping for a long-term partner but so far had only managed serial relationships (some lasting months and some years). He told me that not one of the women he had been with over the years had been open to the idea of watching porn movies.
Many women never discover orgasm through masturbation and hence never know what they are missing. Having enjoyed orgasm throughout my adult life, it is definitely an experience I would not want to have missed but I can quite see why many women are happy to do without.
“For most women orgasm does not have this central role in life. And if it does, it tends to be for a small part of their lives, and often to melt into the background against other significant experiences and other expressions of their sexuality.” (p80 Woman’s Experience of Sex 1983)
Women have to learn how to orgasm
In the film ‘Shirley Valentine’, Pauline Collins plays Shirley, a middle-aged housewife. Shirley comments: “I’m not particularly fond of it – sex. I think sex is like supermarkets, you know, overrated. Just a lot of pushing and shoving and you still come out with very little in the end.” (Note: this film was set in the days before supermarkets sold everything from microwaves to mobile phones!)
“Many women wonder if their lack of orgasms is due to some underlying emotional or psychological problem. However, this is usually not the case at all. Frequently, not having an orgasm is simply due to unfavourable circumstances, or lack of understanding about how to achieve personal sexual pleasure.” (p13 Dictionary of Sexual Terms 1992)
Shirley reminisces about a conversation where one of her friends comments on their youth: “In those days everyone thought it was a case of – in out, in out, shake it all about. Stars would light up the skies and the earth would tremble.” Shirley laughs at the ignorance of her generation of men who were unaware of the importance of the clitoris and the fact that clitoral stimulation is required for a woman to orgasm.
Modern hopes for fantasy sex
There is an implication that younger generations of women expect to have orgasms from sex either through female masturbation or with the assistance of a more knowledgeable lover. It is assumed that men in more modern times are well-informed about foreplay techniques as well as positions and techniques for sexual intercourse.
Shirley comments: “They think they know it all – the clitoris kids I call them!” We may have more knowledge today but our expectations are correspondingly higher. Young women often don’t know how to orgasm until they try masturbation and learn how to use a vibrator to discover orgasm. Some women find transferring orgasm techniques to sex more difficult.
Women of an older generation often mistakenly assume that younger women have perfect sex lives simply because they live with a man before marriage. That’s just like assuming that all married women enjoy sex. Otherwise why would they be married? It is evident that women seek relationships with men for reasons other than the ‘success’ of a sexual relationship.
“ In reality, the more sexually active you are, the more likely you are to masturbate, regardless of whether you do or don’t have a partner. … Of the women who have discovered its joys, virtually all can masturbate to orgasm …
On the opposite side, if you’re a female who has never masturbated, statistics indicate it’s quite likely you’ve never had an orgasm in your life. Pretty strong support for solo sex! The truth is good girls do do it and if you never have and won’t try, give up now on ever having a fulfilling sex life.
Masturbation is a sure way (and often the only way) to discover what turns you on sexually, and unless you know how to excite yourself, you’ve got zero chance of telling your partner how to.” (p2 Hot Sex 1998)
“Many women wonder if their lack of orgasms is due to some underlying emotional or psychological problem. However, this is usually not the case at all. Frequently, not having an orgasm is simply due to unfavourable circumstances, or lack of understanding about how to achieve personal sexual pleasure.” (p13 Dictionary of Sexual Terms 1992)
Shirley reminisces about a conversation where one of her friends comments on their youth: “In those days everyone thought it was a case of – in out, in out, shake it all about. Stars would light up the skies and the earth would tremble.” Shirley laughs at the ignorance of her generation of men who were unaware of the importance of the clitoris and the fact that clitoral stimulation is required for a woman to orgasm.
Modern hopes for fantasy sex
There is an implication that younger generations of women expect to have orgasms from sex either through female masturbation or with the assistance of a more knowledgeable lover. It is assumed that men in more modern times are well-informed about foreplay techniques as well as positions and techniques for sexual intercourse.
Shirley comments: “They think they know it all – the clitoris kids I call them!” We may have more knowledge today but our expectations are correspondingly higher. Young women often don’t know how to orgasm until they try masturbation and learn how to use a vibrator to discover orgasm. Some women find transferring orgasm techniques to sex more difficult.
Women of an older generation often mistakenly assume that younger women have perfect sex lives simply because they live with a man before marriage. That’s just like assuming that all married women enjoy sex. Otherwise why would they be married? It is evident that women seek relationships with men for reasons other than the ‘success’ of a sexual relationship.
“ In reality, the more sexually active you are, the more likely you are to masturbate, regardless of whether you do or don’t have a partner. … Of the women who have discovered its joys, virtually all can masturbate to orgasm …
On the opposite side, if you’re a female who has never masturbated, statistics indicate it’s quite likely you’ve never had an orgasm in your life. Pretty strong support for solo sex! The truth is good girls do do it and if you never have and won’t try, give up now on ever having a fulfilling sex life.
Masturbation is a sure way (and often the only way) to discover what turns you on sexually, and unless you know how to excite yourself, you’ve got zero chance of telling your partner how to.” (p2 Hot Sex 1998)
Men hope a lover will enhance their sexual arousal
It’s relatively easy for a woman to figure out that men want sex… but they also want to be loved and appreciated through their sexual relationship.
Men’s sexual arousal is usually easy and immediate. Despite the evidence to the contrary they like to hope that a woman feels the same way about sex that they do.
A man can feel that sex represents the most important way of demonstrating that he loves his partner.
At the same time, he perceives a woman’s enthusiasm for sex with him as confirmation of her love for him.
If a man wanted a loving, sexless relationship with a woman he would never have left his mother.
Men need sex, both physiologically and emotionally, more than women. Men’s relationships with others are not as emotionally intimate as women’s tend to be. So a man looks to the woman in his life for the emotional support he needs and sex is the mechanism that men use to express their loving emotions.
How to pleasure a man
From early on, the sensitive female lover learns how to pleasure a man, co-operating quite instinctively during intercourse by moving with the man’s rhythm.
She also learns how to play along with men’s sexual fantasies and acts out the part of the appreciative and responsive lover in order to help him reach orgasm. Sometimes a woman may caress her lover’s body or make encouraging noises to enhance the man’s arousal. Some women even exaggerate their sexual arousal to the point of faking orgasm.
This explains why in the film ‘The Duchess’, Kiera Knightley playing the virgin bride, lies inert as her husband thrusts into her on their wedding night. Women only learn over time that responding as a lover encourages the male orgasm that nearly always ends sexual activity between a man and a woman. A woman appreciates that if she continues to be unmoved by her partner’s love-making, her man will feel that he is failing to please her or that she does not love him. By contrast, the mistress in the film has learnt to make the appreciative noises that sexually experienced women often use as a male turn-on during sex.
“The fact is, we usually co-operate quite extensively during intercourse in order for the man to be able to orgasm. We move along with his rhythm, keep our legs apart and our bodies in positions that make penetration and thrusting possible, and almost never stop intercourse in midstream unless the man has had his orgasm.” (p107 The Hite Reports 1993)
Unless a woman learns how to orgasm during sex with a partner, the role of the female lover can become burdensome in long-term sexual relationships. Even if a man never explicitly acknowledges the assistance of a female lover, a woman has the reward of knowing that she has helped her partner find the sexual release that is so vital to his happiness. From a woman’s perspective, making effort to be more involved in ‘love-making’ reduces the sense of uselessness that arises from participating in a sexual act in which (without the woman’s sexual arousal and orgasm) the woman is effectively merely a bystander.
Young women often don't know how to orgasm
Becky explained via e-mail: “I had my first orgasm at 26 during masturbation – pretty late I know & since then no stopping me with the sex toys Plenty of my girlfriends have not though – and like you say, don’t seem too bothered about it which I can’t understand.”
Despite this evidence from her friends, Becky was convinced that every woman must be as enthusiastic about orgasm as she was. Many women are unfamiliar with orgasm because female masturbation is relatively uncommon and so they never explore their sexual fantasies.
Ironically Becky’s experience of sex was more miserable than most. “I’m 31 & have had pretty non-orgasmic experiences to date! Issues with vaginismus & then guys who can’t get their heads around that, hormone stuff, dry years & mostly casual relationships.”
As a sex writer, Becky justified exploring sex with different partners as a means of learning about female sexuality. “I’ve been seeing an escort for various treatments – yoni massage, spanking, fantasy play etc, which has really helped & just started seeing a guy who I think will be good for me so we’ll see.”
As they become more financially independent, more young women explore learning about enjoying physical intimacy through dating men. Even so women stand to gain less from sexual promiscuity than men. All the evidence indicates that most women who learn how to orgasm during sex do so only after years of investment in a sexual relationship with the same partner.
Becky told me: “I had a breast orgasm at the weekend – interesting as it’s never happened to me before ” Despite all this, Becky had still did not know how to orgasm from sex and had to masturbate herself to orgasm after her boyfriend reached his orgasm from their sex play. After all this, Becky was totally unconvinced that men might have a stronger sex drive.
A woman may want to have sex for emotional reasons (such as a subconscious desire to get pregnant) but this ‘female sex drive’ is a quite different phenomenon to the male drive to reach orgasm. From their teens men have little conscious choice over their sexual arousal and they quickly learn how to orgasm whereas Becky did not even discover orgasm until her mid-twenties.
Women’s sexuality has been hyped so much today that women often believe that they get as much out of sex as men do. Women can be terribly naive about men’s sex drive. Men tend to cover up their interest in sex for fear of either offending women or opening themselves up to ridicule. So even within marriage, many women are unaware how often their partner masturbates.
“Male masturbation has always been a secret from which women have been excluded. Even in marriage, few women are given the opportunity to witness it.” (p53 Healthy Sex 1998)
It is really quite disturbing that young women today are so unaware of the facts about male sex drive. Every man knows that past a certain point it is difficult for a man to hold back on his instinct to follow through on his sex drive. This is why women who ‘lead a man on’ may find it difficult to convict a man of rape and, in the UK, rape within marriage has only been a crime since 1991.
Despite this evidence from her friends, Becky was convinced that every woman must be as enthusiastic about orgasm as she was. Many women are unfamiliar with orgasm because female masturbation is relatively uncommon and so they never explore their sexual fantasies.
Ironically Becky’s experience of sex was more miserable than most. “I’m 31 & have had pretty non-orgasmic experiences to date! Issues with vaginismus & then guys who can’t get their heads around that, hormone stuff, dry years & mostly casual relationships.”
As a sex writer, Becky justified exploring sex with different partners as a means of learning about female sexuality. “I’ve been seeing an escort for various treatments – yoni massage, spanking, fantasy play etc, which has really helped & just started seeing a guy who I think will be good for me so we’ll see.”
As they become more financially independent, more young women explore learning about enjoying physical intimacy through dating men. Even so women stand to gain less from sexual promiscuity than men. All the evidence indicates that most women who learn how to orgasm during sex do so only after years of investment in a sexual relationship with the same partner.
Becky told me: “I had a breast orgasm at the weekend – interesting as it’s never happened to me before ” Despite all this, Becky had still did not know how to orgasm from sex and had to masturbate herself to orgasm after her boyfriend reached his orgasm from their sex play. After all this, Becky was totally unconvinced that men might have a stronger sex drive.
A woman may want to have sex for emotional reasons (such as a subconscious desire to get pregnant) but this ‘female sex drive’ is a quite different phenomenon to the male drive to reach orgasm. From their teens men have little conscious choice over their sexual arousal and they quickly learn how to orgasm whereas Becky did not even discover orgasm until her mid-twenties.
Women’s sexuality has been hyped so much today that women often believe that they get as much out of sex as men do. Women can be terribly naive about men’s sex drive. Men tend to cover up their interest in sex for fear of either offending women or opening themselves up to ridicule. So even within marriage, many women are unaware how often their partner masturbates.
“Male masturbation has always been a secret from which women have been excluded. Even in marriage, few women are given the opportunity to witness it.” (p53 Healthy Sex 1998)
It is really quite disturbing that young women today are so unaware of the facts about male sex drive. Every man knows that past a certain point it is difficult for a man to hold back on his instinct to follow through on his sex drive. This is why women who ‘lead a man on’ may find it difficult to convict a man of rape and, in the UK, rape within marriage has only been a crime since 1991.
Wednesday, 14 October 2009
Women often settle for sexual arousal
On relating our experience to others, we all tend to gloss over details or not own up to difficulties that were perhaps transient. The fact is that women have to learn how to orgasm.
One woman told me that it had taken around ten years for her and her partner to achieve a ‘good’ sex life. Surely this fact is worth passing on to younger generations? Imagine telling a man he has to wait ten years to learn how to orgasm from sex!
Young women often don’t know how to orgasm and older women are not always that open about their own sexual experiences. The huge gap between how women’s sexual arousal is portrayed in the media compared with reality means that sex advice for women is often misleading.
I told Linda, a mother of three in her late forties, that I had never had an orgasm during intercourse. Linda looked at me incredulously and laughed as if I must be ignorant of the most basic facts about sex. Naturally, I died with mortification at appearing to be so inadequate.
“In fact, since only about 30 percent of women achieve orgasm with intercourse but over 80 percent experience a climax with masturbation, orgasm by means of masturbation rather than by sexual intercourse, should be regarded as the normal experience.” (p53 Healthy Sex 1998)
However, later when Linda joked that she would rather do her gardening on weekends than have sex, I was confused. Although I would not go to the ends of the world to have an orgasm through masturbation, it is definitely worth investing a few minutes of effort from time to time.
Women who have never masturbated presumably assume that reaching orgasm must always be a drawn out affair. If you are already turned on and have an effective fantasy ready to hand, it is no trouble reaching orgasm from female masturbation within a couple of minutes. Admittedly, although masturbation is very enjoyable, I have no sense of needing to interrupt other activities to engage in it. I usually consider masturbation when I am already lying in bed either on waking or on going to sleep.
“In fact, women do not take longer to orgasm than men. The majority of women in Kinsey’s study masturbated to orgasm within four minutes, similar to the women in this study. It is, obviously, only during inadequate or secondary, insufficient stimulation like intercourse that we take ’longer’ and need prolonged ’foreplay’.” (p46 The Hite Reports 1993)
Months later, when we had talked around the subject a few times Linda told me that she did not always experience orgasm, that orgasm was not that important to her and that her partner was the prime initiator in their sex life. So, her experience of sex with a partner was little different to my own. Linda explained that she had never approached sex expecting to experience orgasm.
Linda liked to dress provocatively and was evidently one of those women who enjoy attracting a man’s attention. For her, sex was about sharing an intimate physical act with her partner and so masturbation was meaningless. They watched porn movies together and Linda confirmed that she preferred some story content rather than the endless banging sessions.
“For some women lovemaking without orgasm is unsatisfying and they feel they have missed out on something precious. For others the journey holds more richness and delight than the getting there.” (p80 Woman’s Experience of Sex 1983)
One woman told me that it had taken around ten years for her and her partner to achieve a ‘good’ sex life. Surely this fact is worth passing on to younger generations? Imagine telling a man he has to wait ten years to learn how to orgasm from sex!
Young women often don’t know how to orgasm and older women are not always that open about their own sexual experiences. The huge gap between how women’s sexual arousal is portrayed in the media compared with reality means that sex advice for women is often misleading.
I told Linda, a mother of three in her late forties, that I had never had an orgasm during intercourse. Linda looked at me incredulously and laughed as if I must be ignorant of the most basic facts about sex. Naturally, I died with mortification at appearing to be so inadequate.
“In fact, since only about 30 percent of women achieve orgasm with intercourse but over 80 percent experience a climax with masturbation, orgasm by means of masturbation rather than by sexual intercourse, should be regarded as the normal experience.” (p53 Healthy Sex 1998)
However, later when Linda joked that she would rather do her gardening on weekends than have sex, I was confused. Although I would not go to the ends of the world to have an orgasm through masturbation, it is definitely worth investing a few minutes of effort from time to time.
Women who have never masturbated presumably assume that reaching orgasm must always be a drawn out affair. If you are already turned on and have an effective fantasy ready to hand, it is no trouble reaching orgasm from female masturbation within a couple of minutes. Admittedly, although masturbation is very enjoyable, I have no sense of needing to interrupt other activities to engage in it. I usually consider masturbation when I am already lying in bed either on waking or on going to sleep.
“In fact, women do not take longer to orgasm than men. The majority of women in Kinsey’s study masturbated to orgasm within four minutes, similar to the women in this study. It is, obviously, only during inadequate or secondary, insufficient stimulation like intercourse that we take ’longer’ and need prolonged ’foreplay’.” (p46 The Hite Reports 1993)
Months later, when we had talked around the subject a few times Linda told me that she did not always experience orgasm, that orgasm was not that important to her and that her partner was the prime initiator in their sex life. So, her experience of sex with a partner was little different to my own. Linda explained that she had never approached sex expecting to experience orgasm.
Linda liked to dress provocatively and was evidently one of those women who enjoy attracting a man’s attention. For her, sex was about sharing an intimate physical act with her partner and so masturbation was meaningless. They watched porn movies together and Linda confirmed that she preferred some story content rather than the endless banging sessions.
“For some women lovemaking without orgasm is unsatisfying and they feel they have missed out on something precious. For others the journey holds more richness and delight than the getting there.” (p80 Woman’s Experience of Sex 1983)
Sexual promiscuity
Renate, a young student of twenty-six liked to be affectionate with her male friends but she was bewildered when they interpreted her hugs as a sexual advance.
A man tends to assume that physical intimacy is a given as soon as a woman shows any form of intimacy with him. A woman needs more time to build the trust and respect that generate the emotional intimacy that causes her to be amenable to sex with a man.
“Women associate affection with love. … Men associate affection much more directly with sex. … Men see affection of any kind as a sexual invitation. Many women find this bewildering.” (p264 Why Men don’t get enough Sex and Women don’t get enough Love 1994)
This explains in part why women can happily kiss each other, touch and go to the bathroom together without any sexual implication. It is much more difficult for men to engage in the same kind of innocent intimacy with others of the same sex because men’s intentions when seeking physical intimacy are so often sexually motivated.
One evening Renate invited some friends for supper and after the others had left, one young man simply went upstairs and got into her bed. Renate did not know how to ask him to leave and so she had sex with him. After having sex with a number of male friends at college, Renate found that even some of the men started to treat her disrespectfully.
In fact, a sexually demanding partner can be a turn-off for a man. Simply put, men prefer to be the ones chasing women rather than the other way around. Nevertheless, they are unlikely to see the contradiction in wanting their woman to be enthusiastic about sexual opportunities with them even when they know that she is less driven by sex in general.
Men are rarely called sluts
We accept men being promiscuous because of their sex drive but women do not have the same excuse. This is why we can admire James Bond’s light-hearted sexual exploits but all three women in Charlie’s Angels are engaged in committed relationships. From a male perspective it might appear that women are inhibited but the truth is that most women are naturally more selective about who they have sex with.
This is why many people believe in sheltering young women from eroticism because it is generally much more difficult for women to enjoy the same sexual pleasure that men do, especially from casual sex. Most women who learn how to orgasm with a partner do so only after many years with the same man.
Teenage girls need to be reassured that they should never feel bulldozed into sex by the popular view that sex is always easily pleasurable for women. True sexual liberation means girls having control over their own body and the confidence to hope to enjoy arousal from their sexual relationships.
In the film ‘Fifth Element’, Bruce Willis kisses the alien beauty assuming that she is unconscious. Jumping up instantly, she points a gun at him and gabbles quite unintelligibly. Later, he asks for a translation, “Not without my permission”. He smiles wryly and acknowledges, “I thought so”. Whatever taunts are thrown out by men looking for a frivolous lay, in the longer term men respect a more picky woman.
“When men see an attractive woman, they fantasise about sex. When women see an attractive man, they fantasise about a relationship – charming, agreeable company over dinner, friendship and comfort. Sex does not necessarily come into it.” (p30 Bluffers Guide to Women 1998)
A man tends to assume that physical intimacy is a given as soon as a woman shows any form of intimacy with him. A woman needs more time to build the trust and respect that generate the emotional intimacy that causes her to be amenable to sex with a man.
“Women associate affection with love. … Men associate affection much more directly with sex. … Men see affection of any kind as a sexual invitation. Many women find this bewildering.” (p264 Why Men don’t get enough Sex and Women don’t get enough Love 1994)
This explains in part why women can happily kiss each other, touch and go to the bathroom together without any sexual implication. It is much more difficult for men to engage in the same kind of innocent intimacy with others of the same sex because men’s intentions when seeking physical intimacy are so often sexually motivated.
One evening Renate invited some friends for supper and after the others had left, one young man simply went upstairs and got into her bed. Renate did not know how to ask him to leave and so she had sex with him. After having sex with a number of male friends at college, Renate found that even some of the men started to treat her disrespectfully.
In fact, a sexually demanding partner can be a turn-off for a man. Simply put, men prefer to be the ones chasing women rather than the other way around. Nevertheless, they are unlikely to see the contradiction in wanting their woman to be enthusiastic about sexual opportunities with them even when they know that she is less driven by sex in general.
Men are rarely called sluts
We accept men being promiscuous because of their sex drive but women do not have the same excuse. This is why we can admire James Bond’s light-hearted sexual exploits but all three women in Charlie’s Angels are engaged in committed relationships. From a male perspective it might appear that women are inhibited but the truth is that most women are naturally more selective about who they have sex with.
This is why many people believe in sheltering young women from eroticism because it is generally much more difficult for women to enjoy the same sexual pleasure that men do, especially from casual sex. Most women who learn how to orgasm with a partner do so only after many years with the same man.
Teenage girls need to be reassured that they should never feel bulldozed into sex by the popular view that sex is always easily pleasurable for women. True sexual liberation means girls having control over their own body and the confidence to hope to enjoy arousal from their sexual relationships.
In the film ‘Fifth Element’, Bruce Willis kisses the alien beauty assuming that she is unconscious. Jumping up instantly, she points a gun at him and gabbles quite unintelligibly. Later, he asks for a translation, “Not without my permission”. He smiles wryly and acknowledges, “I thought so”. Whatever taunts are thrown out by men looking for a frivolous lay, in the longer term men respect a more picky woman.
“When men see an attractive woman, they fantasise about sex. When women see an attractive man, they fantasise about a relationship – charming, agreeable company over dinner, friendship and comfort. Sex does not necessarily come into it.” (p30 Bluffers Guide to Women 1998)
Interpreting our sexual experiences
When a man is stimulated sexually by a partner he finds it difficult to avoid becoming aroused. Similarly, if a woman’s response to penile thrusting (or any other physical stimulation technique) was automatic then women would presumably be unable to avoid becoming aroused whatever their conscious desires. The truth is that women have to learn how to orgasm.
“I only ever orgasm with a partner through oral sex and only if he’s really good at it. Lots of my girlfriends claim they come during intercourse but to be honest, I don’t believe them. I’m sexually educated and have a high, healthy libido and if I don’t have vaginal orgasms, I can’t see why they would.” (p102 Hot Sex 1998)
If only we could all apply such good common sense to life! We have very few channels for sharing our sexual experiences. Sometimes we assume that others must experience real life quite differently to ourselves even though there is no logical reason why they should. So don’t take too much notice of what other people say because bluffers, fakers and sex surveys do not provide reliable sex information.
“Read all the sex surveys you want but you still won’t really know what other people do in bed because what people say and what people do are two totally different things.” (p275 Hot Sex 1998)
The sexual fantasy view of female sexuality
When I have tried to talk to others about sex (not as a teenager but as a mature woman), I have been shocked by how defensive people can be. I accept that there are women who claim to have easy orgasmic sex from day one and I am very happy for them. But this is not the case for all women.
Don’t get me wrong – I would love to believe that couples can enjoy the mutual and easy sexual pleasure portrayed in porn movies and erotic novels. It’s just that, for me, reality never matched up and I think it is more useful to work with reality rather than hanker after some impossible-to-achieve fantasy. Sexual ego is harmful if it prevents us from keeping an open mind and being willing to learn from our real-life sexual experiences.
Personally, I have never found the so-called ‘G-spot’ nor have I experienced multiple orgasms. There are plenty of jokes about nymphomaniacs but I have never met a woman with this condition in real life. Whether these aspects of female sexuality are myths or simply rare occurrences, they undermine any attempt to generalise about the average woman’s experience of sex.
My partner joked that he will most likely to die of old age before he gets around to trying all the different suggestions on the web for locating a woman’s G-spot! The G-spot may be amazing but if it is so obcure then just how useful is it to the average couple? This search for the holy grail is yet another indication of how many women struggle with orgasm during sex.
As soon as I experienced a lack of sexual arousal during sex with a partner, I suspected that descriptions of women’s ability to orgasm easily during sex must be fictitious. So why have women not stood up and said: “But that’s ridiculous. My body and brain just do not react like that!”
One obvious reason is personal embarrassment. Another is that, although as heterosexual women our physical responses must be similar, our emotional interpretation of our sexual experiences can be quite different depending on our attitude and our expectations.
Finally we are all, often quite subconsciously, guilty of becoming defensive of our sexual fantasies and sexual egos. Emotionally we want to believe the fantasy because we cannot accept the facts even when they are laid out before us. The concept of ‘that’s just the way it is – take it or leave it’ does not appeal.
Unfortunately, sex advice for women is often misleading and advice is often vague because, for the most part, sex experts deal with sexual dysfunction and young people’s ignorance of the basic sexual facts. In fact, there is no intentional campaign to disseminate misinformation but simply a lack of understanding in an intensely personal area of our lives.
“I only ever orgasm with a partner through oral sex and only if he’s really good at it. Lots of my girlfriends claim they come during intercourse but to be honest, I don’t believe them. I’m sexually educated and have a high, healthy libido and if I don’t have vaginal orgasms, I can’t see why they would.” (p102 Hot Sex 1998)
If only we could all apply such good common sense to life! We have very few channels for sharing our sexual experiences. Sometimes we assume that others must experience real life quite differently to ourselves even though there is no logical reason why they should. So don’t take too much notice of what other people say because bluffers, fakers and sex surveys do not provide reliable sex information.
“Read all the sex surveys you want but you still won’t really know what other people do in bed because what people say and what people do are two totally different things.” (p275 Hot Sex 1998)
The sexual fantasy view of female sexuality
When I have tried to talk to others about sex (not as a teenager but as a mature woman), I have been shocked by how defensive people can be. I accept that there are women who claim to have easy orgasmic sex from day one and I am very happy for them. But this is not the case for all women.
Don’t get me wrong – I would love to believe that couples can enjoy the mutual and easy sexual pleasure portrayed in porn movies and erotic novels. It’s just that, for me, reality never matched up and I think it is more useful to work with reality rather than hanker after some impossible-to-achieve fantasy. Sexual ego is harmful if it prevents us from keeping an open mind and being willing to learn from our real-life sexual experiences.
Personally, I have never found the so-called ‘G-spot’ nor have I experienced multiple orgasms. There are plenty of jokes about nymphomaniacs but I have never met a woman with this condition in real life. Whether these aspects of female sexuality are myths or simply rare occurrences, they undermine any attempt to generalise about the average woman’s experience of sex.
My partner joked that he will most likely to die of old age before he gets around to trying all the different suggestions on the web for locating a woman’s G-spot! The G-spot may be amazing but if it is so obcure then just how useful is it to the average couple? This search for the holy grail is yet another indication of how many women struggle with orgasm during sex.
As soon as I experienced a lack of sexual arousal during sex with a partner, I suspected that descriptions of women’s ability to orgasm easily during sex must be fictitious. So why have women not stood up and said: “But that’s ridiculous. My body and brain just do not react like that!”
One obvious reason is personal embarrassment. Another is that, although as heterosexual women our physical responses must be similar, our emotional interpretation of our sexual experiences can be quite different depending on our attitude and our expectations.
Finally we are all, often quite subconsciously, guilty of becoming defensive of our sexual fantasies and sexual egos. Emotionally we want to believe the fantasy because we cannot accept the facts even when they are laid out before us. The concept of ‘that’s just the way it is – take it or leave it’ does not appeal.
Unfortunately, sex advice for women is often misleading and advice is often vague because, for the most part, sex experts deal with sexual dysfunction and young people’s ignorance of the basic sexual facts. In fact, there is no intentional campaign to disseminate misinformation but simply a lack of understanding in an intensely personal area of our lives.
Tuesday, 13 October 2009
Male sexuality
Men have to deal with sexual frustration on a daily basis so their ability to orgasm is vitally important to them. Faking illustrates how women are more concerned about keeping their partners happy or not appearing inadequate than they are interested in reaching orgasm. Otherwise, presumably they would admit their problem and try to find a solution.
“Biologically and hormonally, men are much more driven to be sexual than women are.” (p86 Mars & Venus in the Bedroom 1995)
Likewise, the debate over which body part needs to be stimulated to cause orgasm (clitoral stimulation is needed for female orgasm) arises because many women don’t know how to orgasm. It is unthinkable that a man would not know that his penis is the source of his orgasm because men tend to know how to achieve their own orgasm.
In relatively new relationships, the novelty of the experience is arousing enough for a man to reach orgasm regardless of his partner’s response. His own sexual arousal is his top priority for his sex life and he does not need to be assured of a woman’s sexual fulfilment.
“In the beginning of a relationship, sexual arousal is much more automatic and quick for a man.” (p15 Mars & Venus in the Bedroom 1995)
Later on, sexual arousal is no longer as automatic so a man needs to build some variety and sexual fantasies around what can become a repetitive act within long-term sexual relationships. The man now looks for a more involved sexual partner who knows how to pleasure a man by engaging on his sexual fantasies and sexual arousal.
“The bottom line of what makes sex fulfilling and memorable for a man is a woman’s fulfilment. When a man is successful in fulfilling her, he feels most fulfilled.” (p70 Mars & Venus in the Bedroom 1995)
Men want to hold onto their sexual fantasies
Men tend to be so absorbed in their own sexual arousal and need for orgasm that they are usually quite oblivious to how women feel. Men have difficulty empathising with the female perspective for a variety of reasons:
They want to hold on to their sexual fantasies
They fear losing out on opportunities to have sex
We often hold men responsible for women’s sexual arousal and men are pressured by feeling inadequate
They are led to expect that a woman should keep a man happy in bed
“Men’s illusions about women are long on fantasy and short on reality and are often based on male-oriented published material … These media stereotypes become the stuff of male fantasy, even, though as any woman knows, they bear little resemblance to the vast majority of real women either emotionally or sexually. … Of course, the more experience a man has with women in the real world, the more clearly he realises how inaccurate the media and locker-room stereotypes are. He continues to hold on to his illusions, however, because he lacks anything more reliable with which to replace them.” (p79 How Men can get more Sex and Women can get more Love 1994)
“Biologically and hormonally, men are much more driven to be sexual than women are.” (p86 Mars & Venus in the Bedroom 1995)
Likewise, the debate over which body part needs to be stimulated to cause orgasm (clitoral stimulation is needed for female orgasm) arises because many women don’t know how to orgasm. It is unthinkable that a man would not know that his penis is the source of his orgasm because men tend to know how to achieve their own orgasm.
In relatively new relationships, the novelty of the experience is arousing enough for a man to reach orgasm regardless of his partner’s response. His own sexual arousal is his top priority for his sex life and he does not need to be assured of a woman’s sexual fulfilment.
“In the beginning of a relationship, sexual arousal is much more automatic and quick for a man.” (p15 Mars & Venus in the Bedroom 1995)
Later on, sexual arousal is no longer as automatic so a man needs to build some variety and sexual fantasies around what can become a repetitive act within long-term sexual relationships. The man now looks for a more involved sexual partner who knows how to pleasure a man by engaging on his sexual fantasies and sexual arousal.
“The bottom line of what makes sex fulfilling and memorable for a man is a woman’s fulfilment. When a man is successful in fulfilling her, he feels most fulfilled.” (p70 Mars & Venus in the Bedroom 1995)
Men want to hold onto their sexual fantasies
Men tend to be so absorbed in their own sexual arousal and need for orgasm that they are usually quite oblivious to how women feel. Men have difficulty empathising with the female perspective for a variety of reasons:
They want to hold on to their sexual fantasies
They fear losing out on opportunities to have sex
We often hold men responsible for women’s sexual arousal and men are pressured by feeling inadequate
They are led to expect that a woman should keep a man happy in bed
“Men’s illusions about women are long on fantasy and short on reality and are often based on male-oriented published material … These media stereotypes become the stuff of male fantasy, even, though as any woman knows, they bear little resemblance to the vast majority of real women either emotionally or sexually. … Of course, the more experience a man has with women in the real world, the more clearly he realises how inaccurate the media and locker-room stereotypes are. He continues to hold on to his illusions, however, because he lacks anything more reliable with which to replace them.” (p79 How Men can get more Sex and Women can get more Love 1994)
Women have to learn about their sexual arousal
Some women appear to be so sheltered from the world of adult eroticism that one wonders if they have ever experienced sexual urges of any kind. The fact is that even today some women never tune into eroticism and never gain an appreciation of their own sexual arousal because women’s sexual arousal and orgasm is not automatic.
Nancy, a recently widowed woman in her seventies became acquainted with John, a man of the same age, during a stay in hospital. On the grounds of friendship, they met once for lunch and then Nancy invited him to her house. On admitting John to her home, he took the sexual initiative by giving her a tongue-in-mouth French kiss.
Nancy contained her revulsion at the uninvited physical intimacy until John left but resolved that she would never see him again. Nancy told me that even her husband of fifty years had never kissed her ‘like that’. Men never seem to lose their enjoyment of physical intimacy with the opposite sex whereas women do not necessarily appreciate the physical side of sexual encounters at all.
“Sex is the price women pay for marriage. Marriage is the price men pay for sex.” (p92 Why Women can’t read Maps 1999)
Women should be encouraged to hope for sexual pleasure
On the other hand Nancy has already had her chance in life. As a teenager in the early 1940’s, she was sheltered by her family and society from any knowledge of sexual pleasure. Young women were simply not equipped to know how to respond to their lover in bed. This was a sad loss for Nancy as well as for her husband. Sex and love are often confused for women and, even today, many people believe that knowledge of sexual pleasure is ‘inappropriate’ for respectable women.
Marriage is not just about family; it also involves a man and a woman being companions and hopefully lovers for life. Today there is no reason for sheltering young women from eroticism. Teenage girls should be told how couples can enjoy sex for life. Knowledge does not force a person to make certain choices – it gives them a choice.
Men today have alternatives to marriage as much as women. Not every woman is attracted to eroticism but it is no longer sufficient for a woman to simply ‘put up with’ sex. She needs to know how to enjoy a sexual relationship beyond the early years if she is to keep a family together. Equally we need to change attitudes so that men appreciate the effort that women make in sex.
Sex has existed for eons and yet it is often asserted that women’s sexuality has changed over recent decades. Changing attitudes and providing information can only encourage women to make the most of their innate sexuality. Whatever the fashion, all women have essentially the same fundamental sexual responses and these are quite different to men’s.
The sexuality that some young women display today is no different to the past except society then was not so admiring of women who behaved in a sexually provocative manner. Since young women often don’t know how to orgasm it seems less likely that women who engage in casual sex are enjoying sexual pleasure.
In any event, it is worth questioning the value of a relationship for either side that starts by bartering sex for a meal or a couple of drinks. The film ‘Doc Hollywood’ makes the point well that young women should consider holding back a little and testing out whether a man is interested in them as a person or simply on getting into their knickers.
Long-term relationships are not only about sex but also about enjoying each other’s company over many years.
Nancy, a recently widowed woman in her seventies became acquainted with John, a man of the same age, during a stay in hospital. On the grounds of friendship, they met once for lunch and then Nancy invited him to her house. On admitting John to her home, he took the sexual initiative by giving her a tongue-in-mouth French kiss.
Nancy contained her revulsion at the uninvited physical intimacy until John left but resolved that she would never see him again. Nancy told me that even her husband of fifty years had never kissed her ‘like that’. Men never seem to lose their enjoyment of physical intimacy with the opposite sex whereas women do not necessarily appreciate the physical side of sexual encounters at all.
“Sex is the price women pay for marriage. Marriage is the price men pay for sex.” (p92 Why Women can’t read Maps 1999)
Women should be encouraged to hope for sexual pleasure
On the other hand Nancy has already had her chance in life. As a teenager in the early 1940’s, she was sheltered by her family and society from any knowledge of sexual pleasure. Young women were simply not equipped to know how to respond to their lover in bed. This was a sad loss for Nancy as well as for her husband. Sex and love are often confused for women and, even today, many people believe that knowledge of sexual pleasure is ‘inappropriate’ for respectable women.
Marriage is not just about family; it also involves a man and a woman being companions and hopefully lovers for life. Today there is no reason for sheltering young women from eroticism. Teenage girls should be told how couples can enjoy sex for life. Knowledge does not force a person to make certain choices – it gives them a choice.
Men today have alternatives to marriage as much as women. Not every woman is attracted to eroticism but it is no longer sufficient for a woman to simply ‘put up with’ sex. She needs to know how to enjoy a sexual relationship beyond the early years if she is to keep a family together. Equally we need to change attitudes so that men appreciate the effort that women make in sex.
Sex has existed for eons and yet it is often asserted that women’s sexuality has changed over recent decades. Changing attitudes and providing information can only encourage women to make the most of their innate sexuality. Whatever the fashion, all women have essentially the same fundamental sexual responses and these are quite different to men’s.
The sexuality that some young women display today is no different to the past except society then was not so admiring of women who behaved in a sexually provocative manner. Since young women often don’t know how to orgasm it seems less likely that women who engage in casual sex are enjoying sexual pleasure.
In any event, it is worth questioning the value of a relationship for either side that starts by bartering sex for a meal or a couple of drinks. The film ‘Doc Hollywood’ makes the point well that young women should consider holding back a little and testing out whether a man is interested in them as a person or simply on getting into their knickers.
Long-term relationships are not only about sex but also about enjoying each other’s company over many years.
Men's sexual arousal is usually easy
Young men wake up each morning with an erection and have spontaneous erections throughout the day as sex-related thoughts occur to them or simply as a result of seeing someone they find attractive. A boy has no choice but to learn about his sexual arousal and orgasm but, for women, learning how to orgasm is a much more conscious process.
“What’s pink and hard first thing in the morning? Answer: The Financial Times!” (The FT is a high-brow UK newspaper printed on pink paper).
Her man’s erection is a novelty in a woman’s first relationship with a man since her own anatomy provides her with no comparable experience. If a woman has an erection (of the clitoris) at all, it is only once she has the experience to know how to become highly aroused. A man’s sexual arousal can be very flattering.
In the early days, I was fascinated by the way my partner’s penis appeared to have a separate identity of its own in our sex life! Whole books have been written about the personality of the penis, the cocky blighter, with or without his hat on. But the clitoris? The clitoris is like a demure flower that hides in the face of an audience like a blushing virgin.
“There are two types of penis. One expands and lengthens when becoming erect (The Grower). The other appears big most of the time but doesn’t get much bigger (The Shower). A Men’s Health survey shows 79% of men have growers 21% have showers.” (p34 Men’s Health Magazine June 2007)
Male sexuality involves a high sex drive
Most boys discover masturbation fairly automatically in early teens. The penis is naturally the focus for physical stimulation and visual pornography provides men’s psychological sexual arousal. Men’s sexual fantasies tend to relate well to sex with a partner and so transferring orgasm techniques to sex is usually straightforward.
“It has been said that 90 per cent of men admit to masturbation and the other ten per cent are liars. … Masturbation is almost certainly less common among females than among males.” (Loving Touch 1993)
In her book ‘Hot Relationships’, Tracey Cox tells how one night her partner was so engrossed in his book that, despite sucking him off, she failed to gain his attention. This scenario is so far removed from my experience of physical intimacy with men that I have to wonder whether she was in bed with a shop dummy. The male sex drive represents a big part of how we define masculinity.
“A man is much more easily and quickly aroused, and reaches orgasm in a very short time in almost any situation.” (Healthy Sex 1998)
Especially in their younger years, alcohol may slow men down a little but they still usually manage to come even after quite a few drinks. My experience is that there is no chance that a woman will orgasm after even one drink, whether through masturbation or during sex with a partner. So if the aim of a sex session is for the woman to enjoy orgasm, make sure you do all your wining and dining after sex not before.
“What’s pink and hard first thing in the morning? Answer: The Financial Times!” (The FT is a high-brow UK newspaper printed on pink paper).
Her man’s erection is a novelty in a woman’s first relationship with a man since her own anatomy provides her with no comparable experience. If a woman has an erection (of the clitoris) at all, it is only once she has the experience to know how to become highly aroused. A man’s sexual arousal can be very flattering.
In the early days, I was fascinated by the way my partner’s penis appeared to have a separate identity of its own in our sex life! Whole books have been written about the personality of the penis, the cocky blighter, with or without his hat on. But the clitoris? The clitoris is like a demure flower that hides in the face of an audience like a blushing virgin.
“There are two types of penis. One expands and lengthens when becoming erect (The Grower). The other appears big most of the time but doesn’t get much bigger (The Shower). A Men’s Health survey shows 79% of men have growers 21% have showers.” (p34 Men’s Health Magazine June 2007)
Male sexuality involves a high sex drive
Most boys discover masturbation fairly automatically in early teens. The penis is naturally the focus for physical stimulation and visual pornography provides men’s psychological sexual arousal. Men’s sexual fantasies tend to relate well to sex with a partner and so transferring orgasm techniques to sex is usually straightforward.
“It has been said that 90 per cent of men admit to masturbation and the other ten per cent are liars. … Masturbation is almost certainly less common among females than among males.” (Loving Touch 1993)
In her book ‘Hot Relationships’, Tracey Cox tells how one night her partner was so engrossed in his book that, despite sucking him off, she failed to gain his attention. This scenario is so far removed from my experience of physical intimacy with men that I have to wonder whether she was in bed with a shop dummy. The male sex drive represents a big part of how we define masculinity.
“A man is much more easily and quickly aroused, and reaches orgasm in a very short time in almost any situation.” (Healthy Sex 1998)
Especially in their younger years, alcohol may slow men down a little but they still usually manage to come even after quite a few drinks. My experience is that there is no chance that a woman will orgasm after even one drink, whether through masturbation or during sex with a partner. So if the aim of a sex session is for the woman to enjoy orgasm, make sure you do all your wining and dining after sex not before.
Taking the ego out of sex advice
If there’s one thing I would like to change, it is this know-it-all attitude that people bring to any discussion of sex. Adults so often assume that they know everything about sex and yet most people have never even read a sex manual.
Everyone is entitled to their own opinion but it would be more convincing if they were not flaunting their own sexual ego. Whatever our own personal views there is absolutely no need to express them in a way that humiliates other people.
A woman in her thirties was confident in recommending: “I love sex and I am sure I love it just as much as men do. If you are not enjoying sex you need a new partner. You should be enjoying sex! … I have had many lovers which I completely and thoroughly enjoyed wild, hot, passionate sex just for sex sake! “
If women were truly offering to share experiences, they would express their views with more humility. People feel free to make highly personal comments about someone else’s relationship when, in truth, they know very little about sex. It is this arrogant and patronising approach that holds other people back from talking about sex.
Are such women even aware that orgasm exists? They talk about enjoying sex but perhaps that doesn’t include true female sexual arousal and orgasm? They are happy with reality as they find it because sex totally fulfils their expectations. There is no appreciation of the fact that people approach sex from totally different perspectives.
I am discussing sex on a different and more questioning level. For example, when I had sex for the first time I already knew how to masturbate myself to orgasm. Most women never learn how to orgasm by themselves let alone with a partner. Some other women only learn about orgasm through masturbation much later. So they have nothing to compare sex with.
As recently (when you think that sex has been around for eons) as the 1950’s, society was shocked to the core when Alfred Kinsey proposed that women might be even capable of orgasm. So if orgasm is just as easy to achieve, natural and spontaneous for women as it is for men, then it must be the best kept secret ever.
Even today with all the information we have, our liberated views and easy access to sexual partners my point is that it cannot be that every women in the world (or even just in western society) now experiences orgasm during sex. Most people still don’t even appreciate that the clitoris is the female sex organ and the source of a woman’s orgasm however she claims to achieve it.
This is because clitoral stimulation only works once a woman is aroused enough in her mind for genital stimulation to be effective. Even if a woman realises that her sexual arousal works through focusing on complex erotic scenarios during female masturbation alone, it is much less intuitive for her to even consider using similar orgasm techniques during sex with a partner.
Women who are claiming that it is all so easy need to start offering more factual substance to back their claims of sexual arousal and orgasm. Other women out there have also have a female mind and body. We know that without testosterone and the male sex drive, we do not constantly have eroticism, sex and orgasm on our minds.
Any woman who knows anything about her own sexual arousal knows that women have to work up to sex. A woman who admits that arousal takes longer, for example, or that she has to work at achieving her own arousal is more credible.
It is a FACT that since very few women masturbate, by definition, most women approach sex without any knowledge of what orgasm feels like or how to achieve it. So they ASSUME that female orgasm occurs as easily as male orgasm does. The pleasures they enjoy during sex, whether sensual pleasure or sharing physical intimacy, they attribute to arousal and orgasm.
Dating is easy because of the romance that often accompanies sex. Try being married for ten to twenty years and many couples find that a good sex life requires a little investment. Again if it all continues blissfully for you, great, but there’s no need to patronise others. You may think that you have all the answers but if you are to help others you will need to provide specifics.
Everyone is entitled to their own opinion but it would be more convincing if they were not flaunting their own sexual ego. Whatever our own personal views there is absolutely no need to express them in a way that humiliates other people.
A woman in her thirties was confident in recommending: “I love sex and I am sure I love it just as much as men do. If you are not enjoying sex you need a new partner. You should be enjoying sex! … I have had many lovers which I completely and thoroughly enjoyed wild, hot, passionate sex just for sex sake! “
If women were truly offering to share experiences, they would express their views with more humility. People feel free to make highly personal comments about someone else’s relationship when, in truth, they know very little about sex. It is this arrogant and patronising approach that holds other people back from talking about sex.
Are such women even aware that orgasm exists? They talk about enjoying sex but perhaps that doesn’t include true female sexual arousal and orgasm? They are happy with reality as they find it because sex totally fulfils their expectations. There is no appreciation of the fact that people approach sex from totally different perspectives.
I am discussing sex on a different and more questioning level. For example, when I had sex for the first time I already knew how to masturbate myself to orgasm. Most women never learn how to orgasm by themselves let alone with a partner. Some other women only learn about orgasm through masturbation much later. So they have nothing to compare sex with.
As recently (when you think that sex has been around for eons) as the 1950’s, society was shocked to the core when Alfred Kinsey proposed that women might be even capable of orgasm. So if orgasm is just as easy to achieve, natural and spontaneous for women as it is for men, then it must be the best kept secret ever.
Even today with all the information we have, our liberated views and easy access to sexual partners my point is that it cannot be that every women in the world (or even just in western society) now experiences orgasm during sex. Most people still don’t even appreciate that the clitoris is the female sex organ and the source of a woman’s orgasm however she claims to achieve it.
This is because clitoral stimulation only works once a woman is aroused enough in her mind for genital stimulation to be effective. Even if a woman realises that her sexual arousal works through focusing on complex erotic scenarios during female masturbation alone, it is much less intuitive for her to even consider using similar orgasm techniques during sex with a partner.
Women who are claiming that it is all so easy need to start offering more factual substance to back their claims of sexual arousal and orgasm. Other women out there have also have a female mind and body. We know that without testosterone and the male sex drive, we do not constantly have eroticism, sex and orgasm on our minds.
Any woman who knows anything about her own sexual arousal knows that women have to work up to sex. A woman who admits that arousal takes longer, for example, or that she has to work at achieving her own arousal is more credible.
It is a FACT that since very few women masturbate, by definition, most women approach sex without any knowledge of what orgasm feels like or how to achieve it. So they ASSUME that female orgasm occurs as easily as male orgasm does. The pleasures they enjoy during sex, whether sensual pleasure or sharing physical intimacy, they attribute to arousal and orgasm.
Dating is easy because of the romance that often accompanies sex. Try being married for ten to twenty years and many couples find that a good sex life requires a little investment. Again if it all continues blissfully for you, great, but there’s no need to patronise others. You may think that you have all the answers but if you are to help others you will need to provide specifics.
Difficulty reaching orgasm during sex
The website Go Ask Alice! confirms that it is likely to be difficult for a woman to reach orgasm through intercourse since the clitoris is not located inside a woman’s vagina. They suggest that women should aim to have their orgasm during other sexual activity either before or after intercourse.
Any woman who can climax with a partner either by using orgasm techniques from masturbation or through oral sex can at least enjoy orgasm during love-making. The problem occurs when a woman never learns how to orgasm with a partner because she does not succeed with applying orgasm techniques to sex.
The pre-orgasmic woman, who can only orgasm during masturbation, has to accept that she has her orgasm during time alone and that sex with a partner involves making the most of other aspects of physical intimacy.
Expectations for the modern couple’s sex life
Sex with a partner can quite legitimately include activities other than sexual intercourse but ultimately most of us end up with a pattern for sex that includes intercourse or penetrative sex at some point.
“One thing that all words about sex have in common, the four-letter words, medical words and euphemisms, is that they include the idea of penetration of a vagina by a penis. You haven’t really “made love” unless this has happened.” (p36 Woman’s Experience of Sex – 1983).
This may simply be because Nature intended that men should get the best possible sexual satisfaction from orgasm achieved by thrusting during penetrative sex. So the issue of female orgasm during intercourse is still important even if a woman can orgasm by other means.
What amazes me is that everyone understands immediately if a man questions lack of orgasm but my dilemma often meets with a complete lack of comprehension. Exactly what is your problem – other women aren’t bothered so why should you be?
Unfortunately, a woman who is familiar with orgasm often doesn’t see the point of sexual activity without her own orgasm.
“Most women want affection and closeness and they obtain great sexual enjoyment if their partner arouses them, by stimulating their erotic areas gently and seductively; but once a woman has experienced an orgasm, she wants that too.” (p106 EveryMan 1980)
Any woman who can climax with a partner either by using orgasm techniques from masturbation or through oral sex can at least enjoy orgasm during love-making. The problem occurs when a woman never learns how to orgasm with a partner because she does not succeed with applying orgasm techniques to sex.
The pre-orgasmic woman, who can only orgasm during masturbation, has to accept that she has her orgasm during time alone and that sex with a partner involves making the most of other aspects of physical intimacy.
Expectations for the modern couple’s sex life
Sex with a partner can quite legitimately include activities other than sexual intercourse but ultimately most of us end up with a pattern for sex that includes intercourse or penetrative sex at some point.
“One thing that all words about sex have in common, the four-letter words, medical words and euphemisms, is that they include the idea of penetration of a vagina by a penis. You haven’t really “made love” unless this has happened.” (p36 Woman’s Experience of Sex – 1983).
This may simply be because Nature intended that men should get the best possible sexual satisfaction from orgasm achieved by thrusting during penetrative sex. So the issue of female orgasm during intercourse is still important even if a woman can orgasm by other means.
What amazes me is that everyone understands immediately if a man questions lack of orgasm but my dilemma often meets with a complete lack of comprehension. Exactly what is your problem – other women aren’t bothered so why should you be?
Unfortunately, a woman who is familiar with orgasm often doesn’t see the point of sexual activity without her own orgasm.
“Most women want affection and closeness and they obtain great sexual enjoyment if their partner arouses them, by stimulating their erotic areas gently and seductively; but once a woman has experienced an orgasm, she wants that too.” (p106 EveryMan 1980)
Wednesday, 10 June 2009
How to Orgasm (If You're a Woman!)
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