Men’s sexual arousal is usually easy, which gives them a natural advantage. As a consequence, while men can usually hope for orgasm from their sexual encounters, most women have to settle for the more diffused sensations of sexual arousal.
“Sex is a very different experience for women and men. A man experiences pleasure primarily as a release of sexual tension. A woman experiences sex in an opposite way. For her, the great joys of sex correspond to a gradual build up of tension. …
A man’s immediate desire to touch and be touched in his sensitive zones is a given. He does not need much help in getting excited. He needs help in releasing or letting go of this excitement. In a sense, he seeks to end his excitement, while a woman seeks to extend her excitement to feel more deeply her inner longing.” (p27 Mars & Venus in the Bedroom 1995)
Love and romance make a woman amenable to a a sexual relationship but do not by themselves create orgasm. Over time, a man needs to offer some sensual pleasuring focused on his partner’s sexual arousal so that sex holds some rewards for her.
Women need other compensations for sex
After all, not many men would be happy about not having orgasms with intercourse…
“Although there has been some disagreement in the past as to whether the absence of coital orgasms without accompanying manual clitoral stimulation is an abnormality per se, most sexologists today have concluded that this is not the case. … This distinction is often of little solace to a woman who is unhappy about not having orgasms with intercourse, however, even if she is vehemently reassured that she is completely normal.” (p587 Human Sexuality (fifth edition) 1995)
For a long time, I found it difficult to interpret this advice. Initially I was outraged at the implication that women are happy settling for emotional (as opposed to physical) pleasure from their sex life.
Orgasm may not be the critical goal for women that it typically is for men, nevertheless any woman who is familar with orgasm from masturbation, questions why sex does not automatically lead to female orgasm.
It is often implied (wrongly) that a woman can orgasm as easily as men do via other means with a partner e.g. oral sex or mutual masturbation. Yet experts I have talked to have admitted that a woman is lucky if she finds even one way to orgasm.
Given the fact that women do not enjoy orgasm as easily through intercourse as men do, women often settle for sexual arousal and sensual massage with a partner. This does not mean that women do not hope to reach orgasm in general but that they accept that it is difficult to achieve through sex with a partner. This has certainly been my experience.
Posted in: Enjoying sex play
Showing posts with label sexual relationship. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sexual relationship. Show all posts
Friday, 16 October 2009
Thursday, 15 October 2009
A sexual relationship
Judy married in the late 1950’s; well before the average woman was informed about what a sexual relationship might involve. Judy’s aspirations were to provide a comfortable home for her family and to enjoy being a wife and a mother.
When I talked to her, Judy was in her mid-sixties with grown up children and a relationship of over 40 years. It was always doubtful whether she would understand a smutty joke but she had a wonderful giggle.
In response to my suggestion that women experience orgasm most easily through masturbation Judy commented: “I am a little bit shocked… I have always thought (totally without any proof) that young men masturbated more than young women. The reason I thought this would be that their thoughts and urges were much stronger in general towards sex.”
Other people mistakenly assume that all young women today can masturbate to orgasm. Even in our ‘modern’ times, it may be that many (if not all) men masturbate but female masturbation is relatively uncommon. Given 99% of men masturbate, only 1% of women need to masturbate to make the following quote true but there is still a considerable bias according to gender!
“People who have never masturbated, while in a statistical minority, should certainly not be made to feel abnormal. … Sexual decisions, in the final analysis must be personal.” (p412 Human Sexuality 1995)
Young women often don’t know how to orgasm and why should they? There are few sources of information to help younger women learn how women’s sexual arousal works or how they can go about enjoying sexual pleasure. Also it can be difficult to find explanations for women’s sexual experiences given that sex advice for women is often misleading.
A sex therapist in her late fifties was totally over-awed by the modern talk of vibrators and orgasm. She was happy to admit her conclusion that young women today are way more experienced than older generations (my view – it depends on the woman). As an ‘expert’ though she confidently advises that clitoral stimulation solves all difficulties with orgasm during sex.
I question whether people giving this advice know, from their own experiences of sex with a partner, that clitoral stimulation automatically leads to female orgasm. The truth is that many women, sex experts or not, have never explored their own sexual arousal and so few are confident to pass on a more realistic view based on their own sexual experiences.
Clitoral stimulation by itself has certainly never produced miracles for me during sex. Equally I am not aware of any research that supports the claim that clitoral stimulation alone is a guarantee of orgasm with a partner. The truth is that even during masturbation, clitoral stimulation only works when combined with the use of highly explicit sexual fantasies.
Women have lower sexual desire
It may have become fashionable (not only acceptable but also actively encouraged) that women should be as positive about sex as men but, whatever the fashion, we cannot change our fundamental biological responses. Flattered by male attention, young women naturally respond by appearing to be ‘more sexual’ than their elders. Unfortunately, society rejects a more representative picture of women’s sexuality because of the cultural pressure to promote women as young and sexy.
In fact the young women I spoke to were just as embarrassed about sex as their elders despite the liberalisation in sexual attitudes. Few women of any age identify with concepts as sexually explicit as clitoral stimulation or female masturbation. The conclusion must be that it is natural and normal for women to be less motivated than men to explore their own sexual arousal.
In any event, lack of orgasm is only a problem if a woman feels that she should have one in the first place. This is likely to be one reason why the scale of the ‘problem’ is rarely acknowledged because, as long as a woman is ignorant of what she is missing, she can happily go through life without ever knowing what an orgasm feels like.
Judy told me how, without preconceptions, a woman simply accepts her experience of sex at face value. Many women, of any generation, never read erotic novels or sex manuals. Being unaware of other women’s experiences, either real or imaginary, they have nothing to reconcile their sexual experiences to. At least Judy was brave enough to comment.
Lack of understanding about female sexuality means most women prefer to say nothing at all. It has certainly made me wonder: if the ‘normal’ experience is to orgasm with a partner then why would more women not be happy to say so?
When I talked to her, Judy was in her mid-sixties with grown up children and a relationship of over 40 years. It was always doubtful whether she would understand a smutty joke but she had a wonderful giggle.
In response to my suggestion that women experience orgasm most easily through masturbation Judy commented: “I am a little bit shocked… I have always thought (totally without any proof) that young men masturbated more than young women. The reason I thought this would be that their thoughts and urges were much stronger in general towards sex.”
Other people mistakenly assume that all young women today can masturbate to orgasm. Even in our ‘modern’ times, it may be that many (if not all) men masturbate but female masturbation is relatively uncommon. Given 99% of men masturbate, only 1% of women need to masturbate to make the following quote true but there is still a considerable bias according to gender!
“People who have never masturbated, while in a statistical minority, should certainly not be made to feel abnormal. … Sexual decisions, in the final analysis must be personal.” (p412 Human Sexuality 1995)
Young women often don’t know how to orgasm and why should they? There are few sources of information to help younger women learn how women’s sexual arousal works or how they can go about enjoying sexual pleasure. Also it can be difficult to find explanations for women’s sexual experiences given that sex advice for women is often misleading.
A sex therapist in her late fifties was totally over-awed by the modern talk of vibrators and orgasm. She was happy to admit her conclusion that young women today are way more experienced than older generations (my view – it depends on the woman). As an ‘expert’ though she confidently advises that clitoral stimulation solves all difficulties with orgasm during sex.
I question whether people giving this advice know, from their own experiences of sex with a partner, that clitoral stimulation automatically leads to female orgasm. The truth is that many women, sex experts or not, have never explored their own sexual arousal and so few are confident to pass on a more realistic view based on their own sexual experiences.
Clitoral stimulation by itself has certainly never produced miracles for me during sex. Equally I am not aware of any research that supports the claim that clitoral stimulation alone is a guarantee of orgasm with a partner. The truth is that even during masturbation, clitoral stimulation only works when combined with the use of highly explicit sexual fantasies.
Women have lower sexual desire
It may have become fashionable (not only acceptable but also actively encouraged) that women should be as positive about sex as men but, whatever the fashion, we cannot change our fundamental biological responses. Flattered by male attention, young women naturally respond by appearing to be ‘more sexual’ than their elders. Unfortunately, society rejects a more representative picture of women’s sexuality because of the cultural pressure to promote women as young and sexy.
In fact the young women I spoke to were just as embarrassed about sex as their elders despite the liberalisation in sexual attitudes. Few women of any age identify with concepts as sexually explicit as clitoral stimulation or female masturbation. The conclusion must be that it is natural and normal for women to be less motivated than men to explore their own sexual arousal.
In any event, lack of orgasm is only a problem if a woman feels that she should have one in the first place. This is likely to be one reason why the scale of the ‘problem’ is rarely acknowledged because, as long as a woman is ignorant of what she is missing, she can happily go through life without ever knowing what an orgasm feels like.
Judy told me how, without preconceptions, a woman simply accepts her experience of sex at face value. Many women, of any generation, never read erotic novels or sex manuals. Being unaware of other women’s experiences, either real or imaginary, they have nothing to reconcile their sexual experiences to. At least Judy was brave enough to comment.
Lack of understanding about female sexuality means most women prefer to say nothing at all. It has certainly made me wonder: if the ‘normal’ experience is to orgasm with a partner then why would more women not be happy to say so?
Wednesday, 14 October 2009
Sexual pleasure
Self-evidently there are the ‘responsible’ aspects of sex as well as the ‘pleasurable’ but sexual ignorance is of no use to anyone.
Young women today are more likely to end up pregnant as a result of pressure from men or from idealised images of motherhood than from any hope to indulge in enjoying sexual pleasure. Allowing teenage girls to hope to enjoy their sexual relationships is an important part of giving women the confidence to stand up for what they want in life.
It may be that in the first instance, a woman’s sex drive is more likely to involve a desire to enjoy family rather than orgasm. But female sexuality can encompass more than this reproductive capacity. Girls need information about how their sexual arousal works if they are to discover how to get the most out of a long-term sexual relationship.
In an ideal world, we would all be jumping up and down to know the top 10 tips for encouraging women to enjoy sexual pleasure with a partner. Unfortunately, many people fear that women always stand to be exploited through sex because men’s sexual arousal and orgasm are so much more easily achieved. Thus sexual pleasure is more usually associated with women facilitating male gratification than with them enjoying their own arousal and orgasm.
‘Joy of Sex’ was one of the first books to promote the idea of the mutually enjoyable sexual relationship. One might have thought that a sex expert would be best qualified to present the ‘ideal sex life’ but the author was just an ‘ordinary’ member of the public. There was nothing ‘ordinary’ about Alex Comfort’s sex life though. Indeed, such a sex life is a rarity for anyone, sex expert or not.
If you are fortunate enough to be a liberated couple, I’m sure that even you would struggle to incorporate the variety of sexual activities that Alex Comfort describes in his book on a regular basis. You are lucky because even today the vast majority of couples do not explore sex with the sense of adventure and total lack of inhibition depicted in ‘Joy of Sex’.
Lack of understanding about female sexuality means that women are often reluctant to promote the clitoris, either through female masturbation or oral sex, to younger generations. This may explain the custom in some primitive African communities of the surgical removal of a young woman’s clitoris (grossly mis-named ‘female circumcision’) by older women in the tribe.
Even though some women do explore sexual pleasure through genital stimulation, there is very little practical sex advice passed on by more experienced women to enable younger women to learn how to go about transferring orgasm techniques to sex with a partner.
Young women today are more likely to end up pregnant as a result of pressure from men or from idealised images of motherhood than from any hope to indulge in enjoying sexual pleasure. Allowing teenage girls to hope to enjoy their sexual relationships is an important part of giving women the confidence to stand up for what they want in life.
It may be that in the first instance, a woman’s sex drive is more likely to involve a desire to enjoy family rather than orgasm. But female sexuality can encompass more than this reproductive capacity. Girls need information about how their sexual arousal works if they are to discover how to get the most out of a long-term sexual relationship.
In an ideal world, we would all be jumping up and down to know the top 10 tips for encouraging women to enjoy sexual pleasure with a partner. Unfortunately, many people fear that women always stand to be exploited through sex because men’s sexual arousal and orgasm are so much more easily achieved. Thus sexual pleasure is more usually associated with women facilitating male gratification than with them enjoying their own arousal and orgasm.
‘Joy of Sex’ was one of the first books to promote the idea of the mutually enjoyable sexual relationship. One might have thought that a sex expert would be best qualified to present the ‘ideal sex life’ but the author was just an ‘ordinary’ member of the public. There was nothing ‘ordinary’ about Alex Comfort’s sex life though. Indeed, such a sex life is a rarity for anyone, sex expert or not.
If you are fortunate enough to be a liberated couple, I’m sure that even you would struggle to incorporate the variety of sexual activities that Alex Comfort describes in his book on a regular basis. You are lucky because even today the vast majority of couples do not explore sex with the sense of adventure and total lack of inhibition depicted in ‘Joy of Sex’.
Lack of understanding about female sexuality means that women are often reluctant to promote the clitoris, either through female masturbation or oral sex, to younger generations. This may explain the custom in some primitive African communities of the surgical removal of a young woman’s clitoris (grossly mis-named ‘female circumcision’) by older women in the tribe.
Even though some women do explore sexual pleasure through genital stimulation, there is very little practical sex advice passed on by more experienced women to enable younger women to learn how to go about transferring orgasm techniques to sex with a partner.
Tuesday, 13 October 2009
Bluffers, fakers and sex surveys
Pam, an attractive woman in her late forties, told me that she had never had a problem with sexual arousal and orgasm. She started masturbating at the age of eight and after thirty years with the same man, she was still enjoying orgasmic sex as she had done from day one.
Women’s sexual arousal and orgasm is not automatic for reasons of anatomy if nothing else – the clitoris is not directly stimulated during intercourse. So it is difficult to know how to respond to someone who suggests that fantasy sex is a reality for them. The implication is that the rest of us have gone badly wrong somewhere!
In an attempt to identify some specifics of her sexual experiences, I asked Pam when she experienced orgasm. She replied that the timing of her orgasm was ‘a moving feast’ and that she could orgasm before, during or after intercourse.
“Even Sharon Stone admits that she did women a disservice in ‘Basic Instinct’ by suggesting that they could reach an orgasm in about 30 seconds flat. This is just not how the female body works, and anyone who suggests otherwise is either a good actress, deluded or blessed by the gods.” (p17 Bluffer’s Guide to Women 1998)
Are these women bluffing or are they just incredibly lucky? If this approach works for you then definitely stick with it!
Fantasy sex where orgasms just happen
I was interested to find out some more details in order to find parallels with other women’s experiences. However, Pam replied that sex was not a subject that could be analysed. She suggested that orgasms just happened naturally, flowing from the passion of the sexual act.
Unfortunately, people get away with claiming complete nonsense about sex just because no one challenges the common sense of their assertions. For example, eight-year-old girls may touch their genitals innocently but this is very different to the kind of adult sexual activity that leads to orgasm. As many women never experience real female orgasms they can bluff and be bluffed surprisingly easily.
I asked Pam whether she had continued to masturbate. She replied that masturbation was ‘but a sneeze’ compared with the orgasms she enjoyed with her partner. Men continue to masturbate throughout their lives but women often imply that the emotional rewards of a sexual relationship replace any need to masturbate.
We all draw different conclusions from interpreting our sexual experiences. After thirty years in a relationship, Pam told me that she could not recall even one serious argument. She and her partner bickered endlessly about trivial matters but had never fallen out over anything serious (even though they had raised children together).
This experience is so different from my own, or that of other couples I have observed, that it is easy to react cynically. Perhaps Pam’s idea of bickering was my idea of a full-scale war. However, let’s be generous and allow that anything is possible, even the ‘perfect’ match. One explanation for this anomaly could be that the couple place few demands on each other.
Presumably, for a fortunate few, the erotic stories describing the overwhelming sexual arousal that fictional women have from vaginal penetration are a reality. For the rest of us these stories remain in the realm of fiction – frankly unachievable.
Women’s sexual arousal and orgasm is not automatic for reasons of anatomy if nothing else – the clitoris is not directly stimulated during intercourse. So it is difficult to know how to respond to someone who suggests that fantasy sex is a reality for them. The implication is that the rest of us have gone badly wrong somewhere!
In an attempt to identify some specifics of her sexual experiences, I asked Pam when she experienced orgasm. She replied that the timing of her orgasm was ‘a moving feast’ and that she could orgasm before, during or after intercourse.
“Even Sharon Stone admits that she did women a disservice in ‘Basic Instinct’ by suggesting that they could reach an orgasm in about 30 seconds flat. This is just not how the female body works, and anyone who suggests otherwise is either a good actress, deluded or blessed by the gods.” (p17 Bluffer’s Guide to Women 1998)
Are these women bluffing or are they just incredibly lucky? If this approach works for you then definitely stick with it!
Fantasy sex where orgasms just happen
I was interested to find out some more details in order to find parallels with other women’s experiences. However, Pam replied that sex was not a subject that could be analysed. She suggested that orgasms just happened naturally, flowing from the passion of the sexual act.
Unfortunately, people get away with claiming complete nonsense about sex just because no one challenges the common sense of their assertions. For example, eight-year-old girls may touch their genitals innocently but this is very different to the kind of adult sexual activity that leads to orgasm. As many women never experience real female orgasms they can bluff and be bluffed surprisingly easily.
I asked Pam whether she had continued to masturbate. She replied that masturbation was ‘but a sneeze’ compared with the orgasms she enjoyed with her partner. Men continue to masturbate throughout their lives but women often imply that the emotional rewards of a sexual relationship replace any need to masturbate.
We all draw different conclusions from interpreting our sexual experiences. After thirty years in a relationship, Pam told me that she could not recall even one serious argument. She and her partner bickered endlessly about trivial matters but had never fallen out over anything serious (even though they had raised children together).
This experience is so different from my own, or that of other couples I have observed, that it is easy to react cynically. Perhaps Pam’s idea of bickering was my idea of a full-scale war. However, let’s be generous and allow that anything is possible, even the ‘perfect’ match. One explanation for this anomaly could be that the couple place few demands on each other.
Presumably, for a fortunate few, the erotic stories describing the overwhelming sexual arousal that fictional women have from vaginal penetration are a reality. For the rest of us these stories remain in the realm of fiction – frankly unachievable.
Why it can be difficult to share our sexual experiences
One of the reasons that adults find it so difficult to discuss sex openly is because of the personal nature of sex. It’s important to consider how other people might feel as a result of what we say.
So men can be offended if it is implied that because they are enthusiastic about sex this necessarily means that they are less discriminating. Not every man has been with a prostitute, for example.
Equally there are women who enjoy sexual promiscuity. This is more down to personality and personal values than to sex drive. No doubt they have something to prove but it’s rarely just to enjoy orgasm during sex.
My aim is not to judge people’s sexual decisions but to differentiate between the motivation that men and women have to engage on a sexual relationship. These are likely to differ because women’s sexual arousal and orgasm is much more difficult to achieve (especially with a partner).
The evidence supporting women’s greater difficulties with sexual arousal compared with men are well documented. Nevertheless, it takes great courage to be truly open and honest about our personal sexual experiences. Anyone who does so makes an easy target for others who may not be so ready to put their own experiences under the spotlight!
I am always happy to hear that some women experience easy sexual arousal during sex with a partner. But, as my experience shows, this is certainly not true for all women. It’s important, when offering advice, not to insinuate that any woman who does not automatically orgasm during sex with a partner is sexually inadequate.
In over 10 years of talking to women about sex I have found very few who are willing to be explicit. The vast majority of women are offended by any sexual phenomena as explicit as clitoral stimulation or sexual fantasies. They approach sex through their relationship with a partner and only look for sensual pleasures from sex.
Women who are confident that orgasm with a partner is easy may want to consider whether their expectations are the same as women who are familiar with orgasm from female masturbation. If we are to encourage women to be more open about sex it is important to respect each other’s experiences.
I am specifically offering reassurance to women who are familiar with orgasm from female masturbation and who would like to experience something similar with a partner. A woman who masturbates (as an adult activity with the aim of enjoying sexual arousal and orgasm) is likely to be hoping for true sexual arousal from sex because she is familiar with orgasm.
It’s a real positive that men slow down a bit as they grow older (post 35) – older men stand to make much better lovers! Equally the clitoris becomes slightly less sensitive and so a lover may be able to stimulate a woman’s clitoris more directly – still gently and over the hood though.
It is much more difficult for a younger man to focus on his partner’s arousal because his own orgasm is his top priority. Over time, the man needs to learn how to pleasure a woman using erotic and sensual massage. Even if orgasm is missing, a woman will appreciate a sex life that is more two-way.
So men can be offended if it is implied that because they are enthusiastic about sex this necessarily means that they are less discriminating. Not every man has been with a prostitute, for example.
Equally there are women who enjoy sexual promiscuity. This is more down to personality and personal values than to sex drive. No doubt they have something to prove but it’s rarely just to enjoy orgasm during sex.
My aim is not to judge people’s sexual decisions but to differentiate between the motivation that men and women have to engage on a sexual relationship. These are likely to differ because women’s sexual arousal and orgasm is much more difficult to achieve (especially with a partner).
The evidence supporting women’s greater difficulties with sexual arousal compared with men are well documented. Nevertheless, it takes great courage to be truly open and honest about our personal sexual experiences. Anyone who does so makes an easy target for others who may not be so ready to put their own experiences under the spotlight!
I am always happy to hear that some women experience easy sexual arousal during sex with a partner. But, as my experience shows, this is certainly not true for all women. It’s important, when offering advice, not to insinuate that any woman who does not automatically orgasm during sex with a partner is sexually inadequate.
In over 10 years of talking to women about sex I have found very few who are willing to be explicit. The vast majority of women are offended by any sexual phenomena as explicit as clitoral stimulation or sexual fantasies. They approach sex through their relationship with a partner and only look for sensual pleasures from sex.
Women who are confident that orgasm with a partner is easy may want to consider whether their expectations are the same as women who are familiar with orgasm from female masturbation. If we are to encourage women to be more open about sex it is important to respect each other’s experiences.
I am specifically offering reassurance to women who are familiar with orgasm from female masturbation and who would like to experience something similar with a partner. A woman who masturbates (as an adult activity with the aim of enjoying sexual arousal and orgasm) is likely to be hoping for true sexual arousal from sex because she is familiar with orgasm.
It’s a real positive that men slow down a bit as they grow older (post 35) – older men stand to make much better lovers! Equally the clitoris becomes slightly less sensitive and so a lover may be able to stimulate a woman’s clitoris more directly – still gently and over the hood though.
It is much more difficult for a younger man to focus on his partner’s arousal because his own orgasm is his top priority. Over time, the man needs to learn how to pleasure a woman using erotic and sensual massage. Even if orgasm is missing, a woman will appreciate a sex life that is more two-way.
Long-term sexual relationships
Why in our liberated times do women still accept ‘putting up with sex’ just to avoid being single? I am not judging anyone else’s experiences. If other women are content with sex as they find it – I’m very happy for them. But are they really? Or are they simply more accepting? One woman in her early thirties told me that she didn’t see the point of sex unless a couple was planning to have children.
Suddenly I realised how idealised my aspirations had been for a partner to be both my lover and my friend. I grew up assuming that adult life naturally included a mutually enjoyable sexual relationship.
I have found very few women who care either about orgasm or sexual pleasure. Even if a woman does care, she often has to accept that sex is more about appreciating her ability to turn a man on and about making the most of sharing physical intimacy than about orgasm.
Sex is much, much more important (both emotionally and physiologically) to most men than it is to women. Conversely men are less motivated by relationships and family. So sex is what keeps them bought into supporting women in their life-goals of providing a home and raising children. Men hope when they marry that they can look forward to sex for life.
“As a general guideline, a woman needs to be emotionally fulfilled before she can long for sexual contact. A man, however, gets much of his emotional fulfilment during sex.” (p16 Mars & Venus in the Bedroom 1995)
Sex helps motivate men to engage on family
A man in his late sixties commented to me: “It’s a good job that men are interested in sex because otherwise the human race would die out!” The fact is that even in committed sexual relationships, sex is rarely about producing children.
There are two views of sex. There is ‘reproductive sex’ based on intercourse, which since it leads to family is often the only view that many women have of sex. Then there is ‘sex for pleasure’, which since it is associated with men paying for sex (either directly or indirectly) naturally revolves around male gratification.
The fact that prostitutes and mistresses exist proves that there is a demand from men for sexual pleasure. Within a committed relationship, a woman has the choice of providing some pleasure for her man or risking him going elsewhere. Unfortunately, many women are not always well informed either about female sexuality or about enjoying sexual pleasure within a sexual relationship with a lover.
“How do we explain the imbalance between the genders?” asks Bel Mooney. “ … the modern woman does not feel bound by what was once seen as marital duty – encapsulated in the phrase ‘conjugal rights’. If this was not so common why are there so many sad jests about ‘headaches’?”
Bel suggests that perhaps the answer lies in men’s focus on sex alone whereas women talk more about affection and companionship. She observes that “Couples who keep on having fun together, who share activities, who go out for a meal to talk, …” are more likely to survive long-term relationships. (Bel Mooney’s column page 9 The Times UK newspaper Wednesday 28th September 2005 entitled: ‘I love my wife, but she doesn’t want sex. What can I do about it?’)
Men have a need for regular sex throughout their lives. Sexual frustration causes men to become bad tempered whereas good sex makes them more amenable. Not much of a choice really! So a woman needs to learn how to keep arousing her man over a lifetime. If she can also learn how to get some sexual pleasure for herself then so much the better.
Suddenly I realised how idealised my aspirations had been for a partner to be both my lover and my friend. I grew up assuming that adult life naturally included a mutually enjoyable sexual relationship.
I have found very few women who care either about orgasm or sexual pleasure. Even if a woman does care, she often has to accept that sex is more about appreciating her ability to turn a man on and about making the most of sharing physical intimacy than about orgasm.
Sex is much, much more important (both emotionally and physiologically) to most men than it is to women. Conversely men are less motivated by relationships and family. So sex is what keeps them bought into supporting women in their life-goals of providing a home and raising children. Men hope when they marry that they can look forward to sex for life.
“As a general guideline, a woman needs to be emotionally fulfilled before she can long for sexual contact. A man, however, gets much of his emotional fulfilment during sex.” (p16 Mars & Venus in the Bedroom 1995)
Sex helps motivate men to engage on family
A man in his late sixties commented to me: “It’s a good job that men are interested in sex because otherwise the human race would die out!” The fact is that even in committed sexual relationships, sex is rarely about producing children.
There are two views of sex. There is ‘reproductive sex’ based on intercourse, which since it leads to family is often the only view that many women have of sex. Then there is ‘sex for pleasure’, which since it is associated with men paying for sex (either directly or indirectly) naturally revolves around male gratification.
The fact that prostitutes and mistresses exist proves that there is a demand from men for sexual pleasure. Within a committed relationship, a woman has the choice of providing some pleasure for her man or risking him going elsewhere. Unfortunately, many women are not always well informed either about female sexuality or about enjoying sexual pleasure within a sexual relationship with a lover.
“How do we explain the imbalance between the genders?” asks Bel Mooney. “ … the modern woman does not feel bound by what was once seen as marital duty – encapsulated in the phrase ‘conjugal rights’. If this was not so common why are there so many sad jests about ‘headaches’?”
Bel suggests that perhaps the answer lies in men’s focus on sex alone whereas women talk more about affection and companionship. She observes that “Couples who keep on having fun together, who share activities, who go out for a meal to talk, …” are more likely to survive long-term relationships. (Bel Mooney’s column page 9 The Times UK newspaper Wednesday 28th September 2005 entitled: ‘I love my wife, but she doesn’t want sex. What can I do about it?’)
Men have a need for regular sex throughout their lives. Sexual frustration causes men to become bad tempered whereas good sex makes them more amenable. Not much of a choice really! So a woman needs to learn how to keep arousing her man over a lifetime. If she can also learn how to get some sexual pleasure for herself then so much the better.
Wednesday, 10 June 2009
Women often only discover orgasm by learning how to masturbate
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Holding Men Responsible For Women's Sexual Arousal
Quite unfairly, we often blame men for the difficulties that women have with orgasm during sex. For example, it is suggested that by coming too soon men fail to provide enough stimulation through thrusting.
In fact, intercourse is unlikely to provide most women with enough clitoral stimulation regardless of how long the man continues thrusting.
"Closely linked with the traditional pressure on men to maintain long erection and thrusting during intercourse is the idea that it is a man's role to 'give' the woman an orgasm during intercourse. ...
In addition to the pressure created by this role, this idea also often puts the man in a no-win situation since the information he has been given - that thrusting during intercourse should bring a woman to orgasm - is faulty. This places him in a vulnerable position, leaving him to doubt his masculinity whenever female orgasm does not occur and also possibly pressuring the woman to fake orgasms." (p160 The Hite Reports 1993)
Sexual arousal depends on the mind more than the body
Sex advice today often plays on male insecurities by suggesting that a man can 'give his woman an orgasm' or even (for heaven's sake!) multiple orgasms. This is ludicrous. The fact is that most women use fantasy to reach orgasm and no man can control what is going on inside a woman's head.
A woman can arouse a man simply by revealing her body - this is just the way nature intended things to work and not down to her individual talents (pole & lap dancing aside!). A male lover does not have the same natural advantage because most women do not find the body of a sexual partner as arousing as men do.
Many women do not know how their own sexual arousal works so small wonder that men struggle to find techniques to turn their woman on!
In 'The Hite Reports', a male respondent points out: "It seems that women have only recently discovered the nature and depth of their own sexuality... Yet women are angry at men for not understanding their sexuality already... as if men should be experts at something about women that even women didn't know!" (p182 The Hite Reports 1993)
Touché! Perhaps, because men appear to enjoy sex so spontaneously, women assume they have some innate understanding of sex that we fundamentally lack. So we leave the initiative to the man hoping against all odds that something will happen as if by magic. Unfortunately, women's sexual arousal and orgasm is not automatic and so pleasuring a woman is not easy.
Older generations of women never hoped for orgasm from their relationships but equally a man never felt obliged to facilitate a woman's orgasm during sex. The sexual revolution has made men feel just as inadequate as women. The difficulty for modern couples is matching reality with our high expectations fueled by a much more powerful media.
By Jane Thomas author of www.WaysWomenOrgasm.org and www.Nosper.com
Why Foreplay Techniques Don't Always Work As We Think They Should
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How to Orgasm (If You're a Woman!)
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Men Hope a Lover Will Enhance Their Sexual Arousal
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Female Masturbation is Relatively Uncommon
Carolyn, a relationship counselor in her fifties, told me she thought it unwise to positively encourage female masturbation. She did not give her reasons.
"Many women think of masturbation as unnatural and disgusting and a complete waste of time, and don't understand why anybody does it and are unsympathetic to the view that people might continue to do it even though they have sexual partners. The majority of men, though they may keep their feelings to themselves, don't agree." (p52 Healthy Sex 1998)
It is often implied that for a heterosexual woman, sex is an emotional experience and that orgasm (if acknowledged at all) comes from simply loving her partner. The unspoken fear is that any activity as sexually explicit as masturbation, might interfere with the more acceptable loving experiences that a sexual relationship can provide.
Carolyn knew that I masturbated and she asked me, rather tactlessly I thought, whether I had ever had any lesbian tendencies. It reminds me of the joke told by a character in the film 'Flashdance'. A male chef asks, "What's this?" and sticks his tongue out flat. The answer - "A lesbian with a hard on!".
Lesbian women are seen to be explicitly sexual with a need for their own physical sexual arousal (involving the clitoris). Whereas many heterosexual women are more comfortable settling for the loving aspects of relationships including sexual intercourse, which can be justified morally on the grounds of reproduction. There is an implication that there is something immoral about heterosexual women enjoying sexual pleasure.
We like to underplay the physical aspects of heterosexual women's sexual arousal. Even though women do have 'hard-ons' we rarely acknowledge this fact. We prefer to attribute strong physical responses to male sexuality. My own experience is that although I enjoy my own sexual arousal and orgasm, my focus is on what is happening in my head rather than to my body. In general, men are more tuned into the physical side of sex (genital focus) but a woman appreciates the sensuality of her whole body (her power to arouse a man).
One disadvantage of masturbation and learning how to give yourself an orgasm early on in life is that your expectation is set much higher than a woman who does not know what an orgasm is. You are then sure to face disappointment if you assume that a sexual experience shared with a lover will necessarily be as easily pleasurable.
"Masturbation is a normal sexual outlet, which is most common in adolescence, but which is practised at all ages, by people with and without sexual partners. Masturbation is a healthy way of learning to explore your body, of developing your sexuality and your sexual fantasies. All of these are important for a fulfilling sexual life." (p56 EveryMan 1980)
By Jane Thomas author of http://www.WaysWomenOrgasm.org and http://www.Nosper.com
Bluffers, Fakers and Sex Surveys
Pam, an attractive woman in her late forties, told me that she had never had a problem with sexual arousal and orgasm. She started masturbating at the age of eight and after thirty years with the same man, she was still enjoying orgasmic sex as she had done from day one.
Women’s sexual arousal and orgasm is not automatic for reasons of anatomy if nothing else - the clitoris is not directly stimulated during intercourse. So it is difficult to know how to respond to someone who suggests that fantasy sex is a reality for them. The implication is that the rest of us have gone badly wrong somewhere!
In an attempt to identify some specifics of her sexual experiences, I asked Pam when she experienced orgasm. She replied that the timing of her orgasm was ‘a moving feast’ and that she could orgasm before, during or after intercourse.
“Even Sharon Stone admits that she did women a disservice in ‘Basic Instinct’ by suggesting that they could reach an orgasm in about 30 seconds flat. This is just not how the female body works, and anyone who suggests otherwise is either a good actress, deluded or blessed by the gods.” (p17 Bluffer’s Guide to Women 1998)
Are these women bluffing or are they just incredibly lucky? If this approach works for you then definitely stick with it!
Fantasy sex where orgasms just happen
I was interested to find out some more details in order to find parallels with other women’s experiences. However, Pam replied that sex was not a subject that could be analysed. She suggested that orgasms just happened naturally, flowing from the passion of the sexual act.
Unfortunately, people get away with claiming complete nonsense about sex just because no one challenges the common sense of their assertions. For example, eight-year-old girls may touch their genitals innocently but this is very different to the kind of adult sexual activity that leads to orgasm. As many women never experience real female orgasms they can bluff and be bluffed surprisingly easily.
I asked Pam whether she had continued to masturbate. She replied that masturbation was ‘but a sneeze’ compared with the orgasms she enjoyed with her partner. Men continue to masturbate throughout their lives but women often imply that the emotional rewards of a sexual relationship replace any need to masturbate.
We all draw different conclusions from interpreting our sexual experiences. After thirty years in a relationship, Pam told me that she could not recall even one serious argument. She and her partner bickered endlessly about trivial matters but had never fallen out over anything serious (even though they had raised children together).
This experience is so different from my own, or that of other couples I have observed, that it is easy to react cynically. Perhaps Pam’s idea of bickering was my idea of a full-scale war. However, let’s be generous and allow that anything is possible, even the ‘perfect’ match. One explanation for this anomaly could be that the couple place few demands on each other.
Presumably, for a fortunate few, the erotic stories describing the overwhelming sexual arousal that fictional women have from vaginal penetration are a reality. For the rest of us these stories remain in the realm of fiction – frankly unachievable.
By Jane Thomas author of http://www.WaysWomenOrgasm.org and http://www.Nosper.com
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