Younger women are often seen to be more sexual simply because, until they find their mate, they have more incentive to be popular with men. Dating includes sex as part of a ‘wine and dine’ package fuelled on both sides by sexual ego. Sex is always fun because of the chase and the novelty of an unfamiliar lover. So, single women often struggle to understand the challenges of a live-in relationship spanning decades.
Women who have been married for decades know that it is women who make relationships work over the longer term. When men buy women flowers etc. they are implicitly acknowledging the special effort that women make in relationships.
After the initial romantic glow any woman, to varying degrees, engages in a sexual relationship for her partner’s benefit. Unfortunately, the experience of the majority is overruled by the more sensational. So the idea that every woman is a secret nymphomaniac remains the popular view even though it contradicts most people’s real-life experiences of sex.
For men sex is important regardless of the relationship
Physical intimacy is much more important to men and relationships with women do not necessarily make sense without sex.
Hannah (late forties, children, relationship 25 years) told me of a friendship she had had with a man when she was younger. She enjoyed spending time talking with him. After they had known each other a while he suggested that they have sex. He claimed that it was not a big deal to change their friendship into a sexual relationship. However, Hannah said that she did not think of him in that way. The man concluded that if they were not going to have sex then there was no point continuing the relationship.
“Men will do anything for sex, and will behave quite out of character to achieve it, such as spending several hours being romantic, and paying attention to what a woman says.” (p15 Bluffer’s Guide to Men – 1998)
Hannah told me that she shared my experience of not being able to orgasm during sex. Nevertheless, after twenty five years with her partner she was still prepared to participate in sex on a regular basis (admittedly because he was paying the bills). Instead of appreciating her generosity, her partner had complained that she made no effort to ‘make sex exciting for him’.
“Men often feel very angry with women who never initiate sex and too often don’t want sex. But this anger has a tone of alienation, guilt, and insecurity: men feel instinctively on some level that sex does not involve an equal sharing, especially when they are having an orgasm and the woman does not – and this puts them on the defensive.” (p220 The Hite Reports 1993)
Why does a man believe that a woman should do this for him? It is natural that men hope a lover will enhance their sexual arousal but they should consider what they can offer in return. Men often want to know how to get laid: try putting your own orgasm to one side and investing some time in pleasuring your woman.
If a man wants to enjoy sex for life then, he needs to find ways to make the experience more balanced in her favour. You only achieve a good sex life over the longer-term by investing in your sex life. Hannah admitted that, even if she did not have an orgasm, an occasional sensual massage would be a significant improvement on their intercourse-to-male-orgasm sex life.
“Your partner’s not there to service you, it’s not their job to keep you sexually satisfied. You’re together because you love each other and want to make each other happy. Constantly hassling them for sex does the opposite.” (p228 Hot Relationships 1999)
Showing posts with label sex for life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sex for life. Show all posts
Thursday, 15 October 2009
Tuesday, 13 October 2009
Sex for life
One great aspect of men growing older is that they become slightly less obsessed with their own sexual arousal and need for sexual release. Now that his own need for orgasm is less pressing, my partner is able to focus on my arousal and can bring me to orgasm through using a combination of anal and clitoral stimulation as well as by vaginal fisting.
As a young woman I was never conscious of my own physical arousal and my body appeared to be almost innert to any stimulation from my partner. Sometime around my mid-thirties, I found that my body went through a remarkable change – it was as if my body blossomed sexually.
Even intercourse became more sensual due to increased natural lubrication (still no arousal though). From time to time, my mind gets turned on now and I am conscious of the pelvic area behind the external clitoris being swollen and physically aroused (gross but true). For the first time, I was able to enjoy my partner arousing me via manual stimulation of the clitoris.
These physical orgasms are different to those I get from masturbation when I use sexual fantasies. They are often intensely pleasurable but the increase in heart rate and breathing as well as the sense of releasing sexual emotions with the subsequent relaxation are all missing.
“Orgasms vary, both between women and for the same woman at different times. We experience different qualities of orgasm depending upon the degree and kind of stimulation we receive and also on what is going on in our minds.” (p76 Woman’s Experience of Sex 1983)
Experts sometimes try to reassure women by suggesting that orgasm is unimportant. Unfortunately, once a woman is familiar with orgasm from masturbation, she tends to assume that the whole point of sex is the sexual pleasure of orgasm (just as a man does). It is only women who are unfamiliar with orgasm that think it is unimportant.
Female orgasm is important not only because women today want to justify their participation in a sexual relationship but also because men want their partner to be turned-on by sex. Men will only enjoy the best sex once women are given the information they need to enjoy their own sexual pleasure. Lack of orgasm represents a dilemma for many modern couples.
Men’s need for sexual reassurance
I told Bruce, the sexual psychologist I went to see, that in over twenty years of investing in my sexual relationship, the only orgasms I have experienced are from anal stimulation. Bruce, quite evidently thinking that I was being overly particular, asked unsympathetically: “So what’s your problem?”
“Anal intercourse is no longer considered to be abnormal and is enjoyed by many homosexual and heterosexual couples. As long as the decision is mutual and without coercion or guilt, most professionals believe that anal intercourse is simply another way for a couple to find pleasure with each other.” (p12 Dictionary of Sexual Terms 1992)
Perhaps other less adventurous couples, who have made do with intercourse over decades, are more adept at using sexual fantasies. Perhaps other men accept a ‘lie back and think of England’ partner and use affairs to spice up their sexual fantasies. My partner wanted a lover who was positively engaged in sex and I have always considered faking to be humiliating. Some women do explore sexual pleasure, like myself, in order to keep a marriage (and family) together simply because men hope a lover will enhance their sexual arousal so that they can enjoy sex fully.
A man in his sixties, suffering from prostate cancer, was worried that he might not be able to continue to have sex. He was so depressed about losing his ability to become sexually aroused that he felt, without sex, life would not be worth living. Male sexuality, including sexual arousal and orgasm, represents not only a man’s masculinity but also his emotional foothold on the world. A long term sexual relationship provides a man with a strong sense of emotional well-being and fuels his ability to succeed in the otherwise emotion-less world of men.
As a young woman I was never conscious of my own physical arousal and my body appeared to be almost innert to any stimulation from my partner. Sometime around my mid-thirties, I found that my body went through a remarkable change – it was as if my body blossomed sexually.
Even intercourse became more sensual due to increased natural lubrication (still no arousal though). From time to time, my mind gets turned on now and I am conscious of the pelvic area behind the external clitoris being swollen and physically aroused (gross but true). For the first time, I was able to enjoy my partner arousing me via manual stimulation of the clitoris.
These physical orgasms are different to those I get from masturbation when I use sexual fantasies. They are often intensely pleasurable but the increase in heart rate and breathing as well as the sense of releasing sexual emotions with the subsequent relaxation are all missing.
“Orgasms vary, both between women and for the same woman at different times. We experience different qualities of orgasm depending upon the degree and kind of stimulation we receive and also on what is going on in our minds.” (p76 Woman’s Experience of Sex 1983)
Experts sometimes try to reassure women by suggesting that orgasm is unimportant. Unfortunately, once a woman is familiar with orgasm from masturbation, she tends to assume that the whole point of sex is the sexual pleasure of orgasm (just as a man does). It is only women who are unfamiliar with orgasm that think it is unimportant.
Female orgasm is important not only because women today want to justify their participation in a sexual relationship but also because men want their partner to be turned-on by sex. Men will only enjoy the best sex once women are given the information they need to enjoy their own sexual pleasure. Lack of orgasm represents a dilemma for many modern couples.
Men’s need for sexual reassurance
I told Bruce, the sexual psychologist I went to see, that in over twenty years of investing in my sexual relationship, the only orgasms I have experienced are from anal stimulation. Bruce, quite evidently thinking that I was being overly particular, asked unsympathetically: “So what’s your problem?”
“Anal intercourse is no longer considered to be abnormal and is enjoyed by many homosexual and heterosexual couples. As long as the decision is mutual and without coercion or guilt, most professionals believe that anal intercourse is simply another way for a couple to find pleasure with each other.” (p12 Dictionary of Sexual Terms 1992)
Perhaps other less adventurous couples, who have made do with intercourse over decades, are more adept at using sexual fantasies. Perhaps other men accept a ‘lie back and think of England’ partner and use affairs to spice up their sexual fantasies. My partner wanted a lover who was positively engaged in sex and I have always considered faking to be humiliating. Some women do explore sexual pleasure, like myself, in order to keep a marriage (and family) together simply because men hope a lover will enhance their sexual arousal so that they can enjoy sex fully.
A man in his sixties, suffering from prostate cancer, was worried that he might not be able to continue to have sex. He was so depressed about losing his ability to become sexually aroused that he felt, without sex, life would not be worth living. Male sexuality, including sexual arousal and orgasm, represents not only a man’s masculinity but also his emotional foothold on the world. A long term sexual relationship provides a man with a strong sense of emotional well-being and fuels his ability to succeed in the otherwise emotion-less world of men.
Long-term sexual relationships
Why in our liberated times do women still accept ‘putting up with sex’ just to avoid being single? I am not judging anyone else’s experiences. If other women are content with sex as they find it – I’m very happy for them. But are they really? Or are they simply more accepting? One woman in her early thirties told me that she didn’t see the point of sex unless a couple was planning to have children.
Suddenly I realised how idealised my aspirations had been for a partner to be both my lover and my friend. I grew up assuming that adult life naturally included a mutually enjoyable sexual relationship.
I have found very few women who care either about orgasm or sexual pleasure. Even if a woman does care, she often has to accept that sex is more about appreciating her ability to turn a man on and about making the most of sharing physical intimacy than about orgasm.
Sex is much, much more important (both emotionally and physiologically) to most men than it is to women. Conversely men are less motivated by relationships and family. So sex is what keeps them bought into supporting women in their life-goals of providing a home and raising children. Men hope when they marry that they can look forward to sex for life.
“As a general guideline, a woman needs to be emotionally fulfilled before she can long for sexual contact. A man, however, gets much of his emotional fulfilment during sex.” (p16 Mars & Venus in the Bedroom 1995)
Sex helps motivate men to engage on family
A man in his late sixties commented to me: “It’s a good job that men are interested in sex because otherwise the human race would die out!” The fact is that even in committed sexual relationships, sex is rarely about producing children.
There are two views of sex. There is ‘reproductive sex’ based on intercourse, which since it leads to family is often the only view that many women have of sex. Then there is ‘sex for pleasure’, which since it is associated with men paying for sex (either directly or indirectly) naturally revolves around male gratification.
The fact that prostitutes and mistresses exist proves that there is a demand from men for sexual pleasure. Within a committed relationship, a woman has the choice of providing some pleasure for her man or risking him going elsewhere. Unfortunately, many women are not always well informed either about female sexuality or about enjoying sexual pleasure within a sexual relationship with a lover.
“How do we explain the imbalance between the genders?” asks Bel Mooney. “ … the modern woman does not feel bound by what was once seen as marital duty – encapsulated in the phrase ‘conjugal rights’. If this was not so common why are there so many sad jests about ‘headaches’?”
Bel suggests that perhaps the answer lies in men’s focus on sex alone whereas women talk more about affection and companionship. She observes that “Couples who keep on having fun together, who share activities, who go out for a meal to talk, …” are more likely to survive long-term relationships. (Bel Mooney’s column page 9 The Times UK newspaper Wednesday 28th September 2005 entitled: ‘I love my wife, but she doesn’t want sex. What can I do about it?’)
Men have a need for regular sex throughout their lives. Sexual frustration causes men to become bad tempered whereas good sex makes them more amenable. Not much of a choice really! So a woman needs to learn how to keep arousing her man over a lifetime. If she can also learn how to get some sexual pleasure for herself then so much the better.
Suddenly I realised how idealised my aspirations had been for a partner to be both my lover and my friend. I grew up assuming that adult life naturally included a mutually enjoyable sexual relationship.
I have found very few women who care either about orgasm or sexual pleasure. Even if a woman does care, she often has to accept that sex is more about appreciating her ability to turn a man on and about making the most of sharing physical intimacy than about orgasm.
Sex is much, much more important (both emotionally and physiologically) to most men than it is to women. Conversely men are less motivated by relationships and family. So sex is what keeps them bought into supporting women in their life-goals of providing a home and raising children. Men hope when they marry that they can look forward to sex for life.
“As a general guideline, a woman needs to be emotionally fulfilled before she can long for sexual contact. A man, however, gets much of his emotional fulfilment during sex.” (p16 Mars & Venus in the Bedroom 1995)
Sex helps motivate men to engage on family
A man in his late sixties commented to me: “It’s a good job that men are interested in sex because otherwise the human race would die out!” The fact is that even in committed sexual relationships, sex is rarely about producing children.
There are two views of sex. There is ‘reproductive sex’ based on intercourse, which since it leads to family is often the only view that many women have of sex. Then there is ‘sex for pleasure’, which since it is associated with men paying for sex (either directly or indirectly) naturally revolves around male gratification.
The fact that prostitutes and mistresses exist proves that there is a demand from men for sexual pleasure. Within a committed relationship, a woman has the choice of providing some pleasure for her man or risking him going elsewhere. Unfortunately, many women are not always well informed either about female sexuality or about enjoying sexual pleasure within a sexual relationship with a lover.
“How do we explain the imbalance between the genders?” asks Bel Mooney. “ … the modern woman does not feel bound by what was once seen as marital duty – encapsulated in the phrase ‘conjugal rights’. If this was not so common why are there so many sad jests about ‘headaches’?”
Bel suggests that perhaps the answer lies in men’s focus on sex alone whereas women talk more about affection and companionship. She observes that “Couples who keep on having fun together, who share activities, who go out for a meal to talk, …” are more likely to survive long-term relationships. (Bel Mooney’s column page 9 The Times UK newspaper Wednesday 28th September 2005 entitled: ‘I love my wife, but she doesn’t want sex. What can I do about it?’)
Men have a need for regular sex throughout their lives. Sexual frustration causes men to become bad tempered whereas good sex makes them more amenable. Not much of a choice really! So a woman needs to learn how to keep arousing her man over a lifetime. If she can also learn how to get some sexual pleasure for herself then so much the better.
Wednesday, 10 June 2009
Women Have to Learn About Their Sexual Arousal
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