A sexual relationship

Judy married in the late 1950’s; well before the average woman was informed about what a sexual relationship might involve. Judy’s aspirations were to provide a comfortable home for her family and to enjoy being a wife and a mother.
When I talked to her, Judy was in her mid-sixties with grown up children and a relationship of over 40 years. It was always doubtful whether she would understand a smutty joke but she had a wonderful giggle.
In response to my suggestion that women experience orgasm most easily through masturbation Judy commented: “I am a little bit shocked… I have always thought (totally without any proof) that young men masturbated more than young women. The reason I thought this would be that their thoughts and urges were much stronger in general towards sex.”
Other people mistakenly assume that all young women today can masturbate to orgasm. Even in our ‘modern’ times, it may be that many (if not all) men masturbate but female masturbation is relatively uncommon. Given 99% of men masturbate, only 1% of women need to masturbate to make the following quote true but there is still a considerable bias according to gender!
“People who have never masturbated, while in a statistical minority, should certainly not be made to feel abnormal. … Sexual decisions, in the final analysis must be personal.” (p412 Human Sexuality 1995)
Young women often don’t know how to orgasm and why should they? There are few sources of information to help younger women learn how women’s sexual arousal works or how they can go about enjoying sexual pleasure. Also it can be difficult to find explanations for women’s sexual experiences given that sex advice for women is often misleading.
A sex therapist in her late fifties was totally over-awed by the modern talk of vibrators and orgasm. She was happy to admit her conclusion that young women today are way more experienced than older generations (my view – it depends on the woman). As an ‘expert’ though she confidently advises that clitoral stimulation solves all difficulties with orgasm during sex.
I question whether people giving this advice know, from their own experiences of sex with a partner, that clitoral stimulation automatically leads to female orgasm. The truth is that many women, sex experts or not, have never explored their own sexual arousal and so few are confident to pass on a more realistic view based on their own sexual experiences.
Clitoral stimulation by itself has certainly never produced miracles for me during sex. Equally I am not aware of any research that supports the claim that clitoral stimulation alone is a guarantee of orgasm with a partner. The truth is that even during masturbation, clitoral stimulation only works when combined with the use of highly explicit sexual fantasies.
Women have lower sexual desire
It may have become fashionable (not only acceptable but also actively encouraged) that women should be as positive about sex as men but, whatever the fashion, we cannot change our fundamental biological responses. Flattered by male attention, young women naturally respond by appearing to be ‘more sexual’ than their elders. Unfortunately, society rejects a more representative picture of women’s sexuality because of the cultural pressure to promote women as young and sexy.
In fact the young women I spoke to were just as embarrassed about sex as their elders despite the liberalisation in sexual attitudes. Few women of any age identify with concepts as sexually explicit as clitoral stimulation or female masturbation. The conclusion must be that it is natural and normal for women to be less motivated than men to explore their own sexual arousal.
In any event, lack of orgasm is only a problem if a woman feels that she should have one in the first place. This is likely to be one reason why the scale of the ‘problem’ is rarely acknowledged because, as long as a woman is ignorant of what she is missing, she can happily go through life without ever knowing what an orgasm feels like.
Judy told me how, without preconceptions, a woman simply accepts her experience of sex at face value. Many women, of any generation, never read erotic novels or sex manuals. Being unaware of other women’s experiences, either real or imaginary, they have nothing to reconcile their sexual experiences to. At least Judy was brave enough to comment.
Lack of understanding about female sexuality means most women prefer to say nothing at all. It has certainly made me wonder: if the ‘normal’ experience is to orgasm with a partner then why would more women not be happy to say so?