Rose was a pretty woman, tall and slim. Despite being a mother and housewife at home she always achieved a classy presentation. Her partner evidently cared about his sex life and over the years they had had their ups and downs like everyone else.
In her late forties Rose told me: “Although I masturbated as a youngster (from 14) it was never to orgasm. My first orgasm was by accident. It happened at 17 with a boyfriend – not during penetrative sex but as a result of my body rubbing against his body. It was a scary experience for me and I didn’t like being out of control.
It wasn’t until I met my long-term partner who had studied the female anatomy from books and real girls that I had another orgasm at 19. I didn’t want (for a number of reasons) penetrative sex so our initial experiments were with mutual masturbation. It was really easy then about 6 months later to transfer to penetrative orgasmic sex. I often wonder how long it would have taken for me to discover orgasm if I hadn’t met this more experienced lover.”
Rose did not masturbate alone but she had succeeded in applying orgasm techniques to sex with her partner. Very occasionally, her partner will masturbate her but generally, she masturbates herself. Rose confirmed that her partner tends to initiate sex. Rose agreed that a man’s sexual arousal can be very flattering and that an important aspect of her own sexual arousal was the idea that her partner wanted to have sex with her. Some couples find that the spoon position allows a woman to stimulate herself (think of spoons lying side by side in a drawer – man behind the woman).
Rose added: “It’s peculiar that the ‘power’ that women have over men (i.e. the ability to sexually arouse them) is at times really appreciated by the woman and helps with her arousal. And at other times completely abhorrent to her or at least the effect it has is abhorrent. Unfortunately, men seem to be unable to get the timing right as to when to respond to this power. This is not very fair for men because they really seem unable to pick up the signals and respond appropriately. I believe that for whatever reason (upbringing, genetics) that their emotions are so controlled that they cannot read the emotional signals that women give out.”
“It’s not that men are insensitive. Their brains just aren’t organised to notice small details and changes in the appearance or behaviour of others. ” (p77 Why men don’t listen 1999)
Sharing sexual fantasies
Rose recommended: “Men need to learn manual arousal techniques (to use on the woman) and also not to be intimidated by women using masturbation as part of the act of intercourse. Women need to learn to combine masturbation and intercourse and feel completely free to share their fantasies and use them during intercourse.”
She giggled: “I wonder if the taboo about sex is not about sex per se but about the ‘naughty fantasies’ that make sex so good! I also found it difficult to share fantasies as I was unsure if speaking about them might somehow make them lose their power – like bursting a bubble – thankfully it hasn’t”.
Rose agreed that women’s sexual arousal and orgasm is not automatic and that women have to make a more conscious choice to become aroused: “Men are easily stimulated by sexual thoughts. Women’s automatic trigger is
more easily sublimated
far less frequent
needs other factors present to be switched on (i.e. they need to be content with other areas of their life).
I think that they do have this automatic trigger but because of the above reasons, the choice becomes more conscious. Women usually need more artificial aids to trigger arousal. I would also add general touching and caressing (as opposed to specifically primary erogenous zone touching).”
Showing posts with label reaching orgasm. Show all posts
Showing posts with label reaching orgasm. Show all posts
Wednesday, 14 October 2009
Women often settle for sexual arousal
On relating our experience to others, we all tend to gloss over details or not own up to difficulties that were perhaps transient. The fact is that women have to learn how to orgasm.
One woman told me that it had taken around ten years for her and her partner to achieve a ‘good’ sex life. Surely this fact is worth passing on to younger generations? Imagine telling a man he has to wait ten years to learn how to orgasm from sex!
Young women often don’t know how to orgasm and older women are not always that open about their own sexual experiences. The huge gap between how women’s sexual arousal is portrayed in the media compared with reality means that sex advice for women is often misleading.
I told Linda, a mother of three in her late forties, that I had never had an orgasm during intercourse. Linda looked at me incredulously and laughed as if I must be ignorant of the most basic facts about sex. Naturally, I died with mortification at appearing to be so inadequate.
“In fact, since only about 30 percent of women achieve orgasm with intercourse but over 80 percent experience a climax with masturbation, orgasm by means of masturbation rather than by sexual intercourse, should be regarded as the normal experience.” (p53 Healthy Sex 1998)
However, later when Linda joked that she would rather do her gardening on weekends than have sex, I was confused. Although I would not go to the ends of the world to have an orgasm through masturbation, it is definitely worth investing a few minutes of effort from time to time.
Women who have never masturbated presumably assume that reaching orgasm must always be a drawn out affair. If you are already turned on and have an effective fantasy ready to hand, it is no trouble reaching orgasm from female masturbation within a couple of minutes. Admittedly, although masturbation is very enjoyable, I have no sense of needing to interrupt other activities to engage in it. I usually consider masturbation when I am already lying in bed either on waking or on going to sleep.
“In fact, women do not take longer to orgasm than men. The majority of women in Kinsey’s study masturbated to orgasm within four minutes, similar to the women in this study. It is, obviously, only during inadequate or secondary, insufficient stimulation like intercourse that we take ’longer’ and need prolonged ’foreplay’.” (p46 The Hite Reports 1993)
Months later, when we had talked around the subject a few times Linda told me that she did not always experience orgasm, that orgasm was not that important to her and that her partner was the prime initiator in their sex life. So, her experience of sex with a partner was little different to my own. Linda explained that she had never approached sex expecting to experience orgasm.
Linda liked to dress provocatively and was evidently one of those women who enjoy attracting a man’s attention. For her, sex was about sharing an intimate physical act with her partner and so masturbation was meaningless. They watched porn movies together and Linda confirmed that she preferred some story content rather than the endless banging sessions.
“For some women lovemaking without orgasm is unsatisfying and they feel they have missed out on something precious. For others the journey holds more richness and delight than the getting there.” (p80 Woman’s Experience of Sex 1983)
One woman told me that it had taken around ten years for her and her partner to achieve a ‘good’ sex life. Surely this fact is worth passing on to younger generations? Imagine telling a man he has to wait ten years to learn how to orgasm from sex!
Young women often don’t know how to orgasm and older women are not always that open about their own sexual experiences. The huge gap between how women’s sexual arousal is portrayed in the media compared with reality means that sex advice for women is often misleading.
I told Linda, a mother of three in her late forties, that I had never had an orgasm during intercourse. Linda looked at me incredulously and laughed as if I must be ignorant of the most basic facts about sex. Naturally, I died with mortification at appearing to be so inadequate.
“In fact, since only about 30 percent of women achieve orgasm with intercourse but over 80 percent experience a climax with masturbation, orgasm by means of masturbation rather than by sexual intercourse, should be regarded as the normal experience.” (p53 Healthy Sex 1998)
However, later when Linda joked that she would rather do her gardening on weekends than have sex, I was confused. Although I would not go to the ends of the world to have an orgasm through masturbation, it is definitely worth investing a few minutes of effort from time to time.
Women who have never masturbated presumably assume that reaching orgasm must always be a drawn out affair. If you are already turned on and have an effective fantasy ready to hand, it is no trouble reaching orgasm from female masturbation within a couple of minutes. Admittedly, although masturbation is very enjoyable, I have no sense of needing to interrupt other activities to engage in it. I usually consider masturbation when I am already lying in bed either on waking or on going to sleep.
“In fact, women do not take longer to orgasm than men. The majority of women in Kinsey’s study masturbated to orgasm within four minutes, similar to the women in this study. It is, obviously, only during inadequate or secondary, insufficient stimulation like intercourse that we take ’longer’ and need prolonged ’foreplay’.” (p46 The Hite Reports 1993)
Months later, when we had talked around the subject a few times Linda told me that she did not always experience orgasm, that orgasm was not that important to her and that her partner was the prime initiator in their sex life. So, her experience of sex with a partner was little different to my own. Linda explained that she had never approached sex expecting to experience orgasm.
Linda liked to dress provocatively and was evidently one of those women who enjoy attracting a man’s attention. For her, sex was about sharing an intimate physical act with her partner and so masturbation was meaningless. They watched porn movies together and Linda confirmed that she preferred some story content rather than the endless banging sessions.
“For some women lovemaking without orgasm is unsatisfying and they feel they have missed out on something precious. For others the journey holds more richness and delight than the getting there.” (p80 Woman’s Experience of Sex 1983)
Tuesday, 13 October 2009
Male sexuality
Men have to deal with sexual frustration on a daily basis so their ability to orgasm is vitally important to them. Faking illustrates how women are more concerned about keeping their partners happy or not appearing inadequate than they are interested in reaching orgasm. Otherwise, presumably they would admit their problem and try to find a solution.
“Biologically and hormonally, men are much more driven to be sexual than women are.” (p86 Mars & Venus in the Bedroom 1995)
Likewise, the debate over which body part needs to be stimulated to cause orgasm (clitoral stimulation is needed for female orgasm) arises because many women don’t know how to orgasm. It is unthinkable that a man would not know that his penis is the source of his orgasm because men tend to know how to achieve their own orgasm.
In relatively new relationships, the novelty of the experience is arousing enough for a man to reach orgasm regardless of his partner’s response. His own sexual arousal is his top priority for his sex life and he does not need to be assured of a woman’s sexual fulfilment.
“In the beginning of a relationship, sexual arousal is much more automatic and quick for a man.” (p15 Mars & Venus in the Bedroom 1995)
Later on, sexual arousal is no longer as automatic so a man needs to build some variety and sexual fantasies around what can become a repetitive act within long-term sexual relationships. The man now looks for a more involved sexual partner who knows how to pleasure a man by engaging on his sexual fantasies and sexual arousal.
“The bottom line of what makes sex fulfilling and memorable for a man is a woman’s fulfilment. When a man is successful in fulfilling her, he feels most fulfilled.” (p70 Mars & Venus in the Bedroom 1995)
Men want to hold onto their sexual fantasies
Men tend to be so absorbed in their own sexual arousal and need for orgasm that they are usually quite oblivious to how women feel. Men have difficulty empathising with the female perspective for a variety of reasons:
They want to hold on to their sexual fantasies
They fear losing out on opportunities to have sex
We often hold men responsible for women’s sexual arousal and men are pressured by feeling inadequate
They are led to expect that a woman should keep a man happy in bed
“Men’s illusions about women are long on fantasy and short on reality and are often based on male-oriented published material … These media stereotypes become the stuff of male fantasy, even, though as any woman knows, they bear little resemblance to the vast majority of real women either emotionally or sexually. … Of course, the more experience a man has with women in the real world, the more clearly he realises how inaccurate the media and locker-room stereotypes are. He continues to hold on to his illusions, however, because he lacks anything more reliable with which to replace them.” (p79 How Men can get more Sex and Women can get more Love 1994)
“Biologically and hormonally, men are much more driven to be sexual than women are.” (p86 Mars & Venus in the Bedroom 1995)
Likewise, the debate over which body part needs to be stimulated to cause orgasm (clitoral stimulation is needed for female orgasm) arises because many women don’t know how to orgasm. It is unthinkable that a man would not know that his penis is the source of his orgasm because men tend to know how to achieve their own orgasm.
In relatively new relationships, the novelty of the experience is arousing enough for a man to reach orgasm regardless of his partner’s response. His own sexual arousal is his top priority for his sex life and he does not need to be assured of a woman’s sexual fulfilment.
“In the beginning of a relationship, sexual arousal is much more automatic and quick for a man.” (p15 Mars & Venus in the Bedroom 1995)
Later on, sexual arousal is no longer as automatic so a man needs to build some variety and sexual fantasies around what can become a repetitive act within long-term sexual relationships. The man now looks for a more involved sexual partner who knows how to pleasure a man by engaging on his sexual fantasies and sexual arousal.
“The bottom line of what makes sex fulfilling and memorable for a man is a woman’s fulfilment. When a man is successful in fulfilling her, he feels most fulfilled.” (p70 Mars & Venus in the Bedroom 1995)
Men want to hold onto their sexual fantasies
Men tend to be so absorbed in their own sexual arousal and need for orgasm that they are usually quite oblivious to how women feel. Men have difficulty empathising with the female perspective for a variety of reasons:
They want to hold on to their sexual fantasies
They fear losing out on opportunities to have sex
We often hold men responsible for women’s sexual arousal and men are pressured by feeling inadequate
They are led to expect that a woman should keep a man happy in bed
“Men’s illusions about women are long on fantasy and short on reality and are often based on male-oriented published material … These media stereotypes become the stuff of male fantasy, even, though as any woman knows, they bear little resemblance to the vast majority of real women either emotionally or sexually. … Of course, the more experience a man has with women in the real world, the more clearly he realises how inaccurate the media and locker-room stereotypes are. He continues to hold on to his illusions, however, because he lacks anything more reliable with which to replace them.” (p79 How Men can get more Sex and Women can get more Love 1994)
Difficulty reaching orgasm during sex
The website Go Ask Alice! confirms that it is likely to be difficult for a woman to reach orgasm through intercourse since the clitoris is not located inside a woman’s vagina. They suggest that women should aim to have their orgasm during other sexual activity either before or after intercourse.
Any woman who can climax with a partner either by using orgasm techniques from masturbation or through oral sex can at least enjoy orgasm during love-making. The problem occurs when a woman never learns how to orgasm with a partner because she does not succeed with applying orgasm techniques to sex.
The pre-orgasmic woman, who can only orgasm during masturbation, has to accept that she has her orgasm during time alone and that sex with a partner involves making the most of other aspects of physical intimacy.
Expectations for the modern couple’s sex life
Sex with a partner can quite legitimately include activities other than sexual intercourse but ultimately most of us end up with a pattern for sex that includes intercourse or penetrative sex at some point.
“One thing that all words about sex have in common, the four-letter words, medical words and euphemisms, is that they include the idea of penetration of a vagina by a penis. You haven’t really “made love” unless this has happened.” (p36 Woman’s Experience of Sex – 1983).
This may simply be because Nature intended that men should get the best possible sexual satisfaction from orgasm achieved by thrusting during penetrative sex. So the issue of female orgasm during intercourse is still important even if a woman can orgasm by other means.
What amazes me is that everyone understands immediately if a man questions lack of orgasm but my dilemma often meets with a complete lack of comprehension. Exactly what is your problem – other women aren’t bothered so why should you be?
Unfortunately, a woman who is familiar with orgasm often doesn’t see the point of sexual activity without her own orgasm.
“Most women want affection and closeness and they obtain great sexual enjoyment if their partner arouses them, by stimulating their erotic areas gently and seductively; but once a woman has experienced an orgasm, she wants that too.” (p106 EveryMan 1980)
Any woman who can climax with a partner either by using orgasm techniques from masturbation or through oral sex can at least enjoy orgasm during love-making. The problem occurs when a woman never learns how to orgasm with a partner because she does not succeed with applying orgasm techniques to sex.
The pre-orgasmic woman, who can only orgasm during masturbation, has to accept that she has her orgasm during time alone and that sex with a partner involves making the most of other aspects of physical intimacy.
Expectations for the modern couple’s sex life
Sex with a partner can quite legitimately include activities other than sexual intercourse but ultimately most of us end up with a pattern for sex that includes intercourse or penetrative sex at some point.
“One thing that all words about sex have in common, the four-letter words, medical words and euphemisms, is that they include the idea of penetration of a vagina by a penis. You haven’t really “made love” unless this has happened.” (p36 Woman’s Experience of Sex – 1983).
This may simply be because Nature intended that men should get the best possible sexual satisfaction from orgasm achieved by thrusting during penetrative sex. So the issue of female orgasm during intercourse is still important even if a woman can orgasm by other means.
What amazes me is that everyone understands immediately if a man questions lack of orgasm but my dilemma often meets with a complete lack of comprehension. Exactly what is your problem – other women aren’t bothered so why should you be?
Unfortunately, a woman who is familiar with orgasm often doesn’t see the point of sexual activity without her own orgasm.
“Most women want affection and closeness and they obtain great sexual enjoyment if their partner arouses them, by stimulating their erotic areas gently and seductively; but once a woman has experienced an orgasm, she wants that too.” (p106 EveryMan 1980)
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