Female masturbation is relatively uncommon

Carolyn, a relationship counsellor in her fifties, told me she thought it unwise to positively encourage female masturbation. She did not give her reasons.
“Many women think of masturbation as unnatural and disgusting and a complete waste of time, and don’t understand why anybody does it and are unsympathetic to the view that people might continue to do it even though they have sexual partners. The majority of men, though they may keep their feelings to themselves, don’t agree.” (p52 Healthy Sex 1998)
It is often implied that for a heterosexual woman, sex is an emotional experience and that orgasm (if acknowledged at all) comes from simply loving her partner. The unspoken fear is that any activity as sexually explicit as masturbation, might interfere with the more acceptable loving experiences that a sexual relationship can provide.
Carolyn knew that I masturbated and she asked me, rather tactlessly I thought, whether I had ever had any lesbian tendencies. It reminds me of the joke told by a character in the film ‘Flashdance’. A male chef asks, “What’s this?” and sticks his tongue out flat. The answer – “A lesbian with a hard on!”.
Lesbian women are seen to be explicitly sexual with a need for their own physical sexual arousal (involving the clitoris). Whereas many heterosexual women are more comfortable settling for the loving aspects of relationships including sexual intercourse, which can be justified morally on the grounds of reproduction. There is an implication that there is something immoral about heterosexual women enjoying sexual pleasure.
We like to underplay the physical aspects of heterosexual women’s sexual arousal. Even though women do have ‘hard-ons’ we rarely acknowledge this fact. We prefer to attribute strong physical responses to male sexuality. My own experience is that although I enjoy my own sexual arousal and orgasm, my focus is on what is happening in my head rather than to my body. In general, men are more tuned into the physical side of sex (genital focus) but a woman appreciates the sensuality of her whole body (her power to arouse a man).
One disadvantage of masturbation and learning how to give yourself an orgasm early on in life is that your expectation is set much higher than a woman who does not know what an orgasm is. You are then sure to face disappointment if you assume that a sexual experience shared with a lover will necessarily be as easily pleasurable.
“Masturbation is a normal sexual outlet, which is most common in adolescence, but which is practised at all ages, by people with and without sexual partners. Masturbation is a healthy way of learning to explore your body, of developing your sexuality and your sexual fantasies. All of these are important for a fulfilling sexual life.” (p56 EveryMan 1980)

Why is sexual pleasure still taboo?

Prostitution is at the core of the contradiction and embarrassment that lies at the centre of sex. After all, if sex is so equally pleasurable then why would anyone need to pay for sex? The vast majority of prostitutes are women who are providing sexual services to men.
Prostitution exists because men’s drive to enjoy sexual pleasure cannot always be satisfied through relationships. This is because wives and girlfriends are often reluctant to offer sexual pleasuring other than vaginal intercourse.
Even prostitutes can be disgusted by the activities that their male clients ask for. And yet, it is the women who are shamed not the men that generate the demand. No woman aspires to be a prostitute and few men want their daughters or sisters to be prostitutes.
Even if a man has a mistress, it is still likely that his own legitimate children will benefit most from his efforts. So women are not likely to evolve aptitudes directed towards sex. All a woman has to do is attract a man. Her job is to ensure that her children survive and thrive.
Prostitution is associated with exploitation of women by men. Equally, women can suffer through being used by men for sex because they are usually hoping for long-term emotional rewards from a relationship with a man rather than short-term sexual rewards.
Although sex is implicit within marriage since it leads to family, sexual pleasure has always been taboo for respectable women. Women simply do not have the same drive that men have to enjoy their own sexual arousal and orgasm.
The problem with sex advice today is that girls are not provided with the facts about female sexuality that would enable them to enjoy sexual pleasure. When it came to my sex education, my father was keen that I should enjoy sex. He used to send me historical novels to read at school. Many of these had a sexual subtheme.
Kings of England, such as Henry VIII, expected complete obedience from everyone but any man expected obedience from his wife. Even today the Church of England offers the vow of bridal obedience from the 1662 Common Book of Prayer. Henry VIII treated women like sexual chattels to be discarded once they were no longer pretty and their figures spoiled from childbirth.
It is this need that men have to satisfy their sex drive by becoming aroused by a young woman’s body that causes most offense to women. At the most extreme, a woman can be viewed simply as a sexual commodity to be used for sex by a man and then discarded when he no longer finds her body arousing. Marriage was established in order to protect women and children.
Despite men’s desire for sexual pleasure, the most fundamental purpose of sex is reproduction. However, a man’s need for sex provides a woman with a means of keeping her man motivated to support the family. If a couple is able to open up to each other and explore eroticism together then they may discover more ways of pleasuring than young people ever try.
If you can survive the ups and downs, it is definitely worthwhile investing effort to keep the fun in sex. If a woman cares about her man, she will appreciate the importance that sex plays in his life. Sex can become more intimate and more adventurous if you are willing to invest some time and energy in your sex life.