Men know what orgasm is from a young age but many women never discover orgasm. They have no way of knowing what orgasm is or how to achieve it – either alone or with a partner.
One woman appreciated for the first time what orgasm was when she learned how to masturbate at the age of 28. She had always assumed that she experienced orgasm during sex but, in fact, she never had (see How to use a vibrator to discover orgasm).
It is difficult for men to appreciate that women do not have the same level of familiarity with their own sexual arousal and orgasm that men do. Women are certainly capable of orgasm but it does not happen spontaneously. Women have to learn how to orgasm.
Women today are told that female orgasm occurs naturally during sex so even sexually experienced women assume that they orgasm during sex when they don’t. Consequently, there are women out there quite innocently misleading others about how easy it all is.
I am trying to highlight that the aversion that many women have to eroticism actually prevents younger women learning to enjoy how to orgasm. Equally the fact that so many women believe that vaginal intercourse is the only proper sexual activity, means that women may never learn how they can enjoy true sexual arousal with a lover.
Women’s lack of appreciation of eroticism means that they often completely miss the point of sexual pleasure. They have no experience of enjoying true sexual arousal, which starts when the mind tunes into sexual fantasies and leads to orgasm through clitoral stimulation.
Very few women masturbate regularly as an adult activity in order to reach orgasm. Many women explain their sexual arousal in terms of their relationship and so they never understand why anyone would masturbate. Most women who claim to orgasm with a partner are talking about emotional sensations.
Women who learn to enjoy orgasm from female masturbation use sexual fantasies based on highly explicit sexual scenarios. These orgasms involve a release of sexual feelings. They are not necessarily any better than the ‘emotional orgasms’ women get from their loving feelings – they are simply different.
It’s important not to be judgmental about other people’s sexual experiences. But it can be misleading when we try to compare different women’s explanations for orgasm because we are not necessarily talking about the same thing. An orgasm, in the sense that men would probably understand the term, involves a release of sexual feelings not loving feelings.
It must be difficult for a man to understand how different it is for a woman. We rarely experience erections and even if we do, we are much less conscious of them. The clitoris may have millions of nerve endings but we do not experience sexual arousal as easily as men do. So a woman enjoys emotional feelings from kissing but not a true hard on as men do.
In case you doubt how common it is for women to have difficulty with orgasm during sex, just take a look at the thousands of articles on the web offering advice on this very topic! Of course, these articles always promise ‘easy orgasms’, ‘multiple orgasms’ or ‘mind-blowing orgasms’ just so couples don’t give up trying!
There is not even one article promising men easy orgasm because male orgasm is most usually a given.
Tuesday, 13 October 2009
Why do so many women dislike eroticism?
Pornography is defined to be ’sexually explicit material (verbal or pictorial) that is primarily designed to produce sexual arousal. Two women give their views on pornography:
Helen Longino: “I define pornography as verbal or pictorial explicit representations of sexual behavior that … have as a distinguishing characteristic ‘the degrading and demeaning portrayal of the role and status of the human female . . . as a mere sexual object to be exploited and manipulated sexually’.”
Why is it assumed that men must always be exploiting and women always exploited in sexual scenarios? When women object to pornography is it because they assume that any sexual act must always be solely for men’s pleasure? Is it not possible for a heterosexual act, at least sometimes, to be as pleasurable for the woman as it is for the man?
Susan Brownmiller: “hard core pornography is not a celebration of sexual freedom; it is a cynical exploitation of female sexual activity through the device of making all such activity, and consequently all females, ‘dirty’.”
Most men are not sex perverts and only enjoy positive images of naked women. So how do these pictures make the woman ‘dirty’?
Let’s face it: people who object to sexual pleasure have never actually tried activities other than vaginal intercourse with a lover. So is it that many women cannot imagine that they would ever enjoy more adventurous sex with a partner and so they believe that no one else should?
Perhaps women dislike seeing themselves portrayed as sexual beings – people with physical attributes that other people find sexually arousing? Or is it just that women don’t understand because they don’t become aroused by looking at pictures of naked men? Answers on a postcard…
This is the apparent contradiction in our society’s portrayal of female sexuality. We assume that women enjoy sex as much as men, including their own sexual arousal and orgasm during sex, and yet many women are disgusted by even a hint of the eroticism that is at the core of our enjoyment of sexual pleasure.
I am not particularly offended by men’s enjoyment of pornography because, although I don’t use sexual images for arousal, I do use sexual stories. One might be tempted to call one: ‘visual pornography’ and the other: ‘verbal pornography’ but women prefer the term ‘erotica’.
Erotica is a genre of literature that includes sexually explicit material as a primary feature. Unlike pornography, erotica is not aimed exclusively at sexual arousal (but it’s not exactly ‘art’ either!).
Gloria Steinem: “a mutually pleasurable, sexual expression between people who have enough power to be there by positive choice . . . . It doesn’t require us to identify with a conqueror or a victim”.
Ironically, many erotic stories for women include more sadism and domination than is ever implied in the average pornographic magazine (at least the ones that can be bought in an everyday store – as opposed to hardcore). So why is pornography always bad but erotica is more often OK?
Let’s be clear about one thing though: most reasonable people would consider any pornography MORALLY WRONG that is produced as a result of the real-life exploitation of one being by another.
Thus any sexual act with animals, children (most usually persons under the age of 18) and anyone who has been coerced into sexual activity through emotional, physical or financial intimidation cannot be supported by a civilised society.
Helen Longino: “I define pornography as verbal or pictorial explicit representations of sexual behavior that … have as a distinguishing characteristic ‘the degrading and demeaning portrayal of the role and status of the human female . . . as a mere sexual object to be exploited and manipulated sexually’.”
Why is it assumed that men must always be exploiting and women always exploited in sexual scenarios? When women object to pornography is it because they assume that any sexual act must always be solely for men’s pleasure? Is it not possible for a heterosexual act, at least sometimes, to be as pleasurable for the woman as it is for the man?
Susan Brownmiller: “hard core pornography is not a celebration of sexual freedom; it is a cynical exploitation of female sexual activity through the device of making all such activity, and consequently all females, ‘dirty’.”
Most men are not sex perverts and only enjoy positive images of naked women. So how do these pictures make the woman ‘dirty’?
Let’s face it: people who object to sexual pleasure have never actually tried activities other than vaginal intercourse with a lover. So is it that many women cannot imagine that they would ever enjoy more adventurous sex with a partner and so they believe that no one else should?
Perhaps women dislike seeing themselves portrayed as sexual beings – people with physical attributes that other people find sexually arousing? Or is it just that women don’t understand because they don’t become aroused by looking at pictures of naked men? Answers on a postcard…
This is the apparent contradiction in our society’s portrayal of female sexuality. We assume that women enjoy sex as much as men, including their own sexual arousal and orgasm during sex, and yet many women are disgusted by even a hint of the eroticism that is at the core of our enjoyment of sexual pleasure.
I am not particularly offended by men’s enjoyment of pornography because, although I don’t use sexual images for arousal, I do use sexual stories. One might be tempted to call one: ‘visual pornography’ and the other: ‘verbal pornography’ but women prefer the term ‘erotica’.
Erotica is a genre of literature that includes sexually explicit material as a primary feature. Unlike pornography, erotica is not aimed exclusively at sexual arousal (but it’s not exactly ‘art’ either!).
Gloria Steinem: “a mutually pleasurable, sexual expression between people who have enough power to be there by positive choice . . . . It doesn’t require us to identify with a conqueror or a victim”.
Ironically, many erotic stories for women include more sadism and domination than is ever implied in the average pornographic magazine (at least the ones that can be bought in an everyday store – as opposed to hardcore). So why is pornography always bad but erotica is more often OK?
Let’s be clear about one thing though: most reasonable people would consider any pornography MORALLY WRONG that is produced as a result of the real-life exploitation of one being by another.
Thus any sexual act with animals, children (most usually persons under the age of 18) and anyone who has been coerced into sexual activity through emotional, physical or financial intimidation cannot be supported by a civilised society.
Comparing orgasm from female masturbation and with a partner
Graphs are not very exciting concepts but nevertheless they can be useful. Imagine the male orgasm graph which looks a little like a vertical phallic symbol. Then imagine the female orgasm graph which looks like the outline of a woman’s vulva.
The male experience is shorter but more intense. The female experience is longer but lower overall. My experience of female masturbation is that the initial phase can be horizontal – nothing happens. I lie there waiting for the inspiration of an effective fantasy.
But once that spark takes light, my experience is similar to a man’s. Within a minute or two the whole thing is over. The build up is quick and the sensations of release are sexually satisfying. The aftermath of orgasm involves a sense of relief followed by blissful relaxation.
Build up with a partner takes much longer than a few seconds. But also the sensations are more pleasurable and physically intense as he stimulates me. My mind has no conscious focus except the sensations of my partner touching me and thinking about his erection.
For me, orgasm with a partner includes pelvic contractions but there is not the same sense of release. Using fantasy allows me to be the woman but also to identify with the man at the point of orgasm as he thrusts and ejaculates to orgasm. Perhaps this ability to superimpose the act of male ejaculation on my orgasm produces my sense of release.
During female masturbation, whatever sexual activity I am imagining (usually anal sex or occasionally fellatio), my focus at the point of orgasm is thinking about the man’s orgasm. The act of ejaculation is highly graphic and, for me, symbolises the sexual satisfaction of my own orgasm.
I approached sex initially as a man must. I hoped to feel sexual arousal and that I would be able to reach orgasm during sex. I was bitterly disappointed as many women are, who are familiar with orgasm from female masturbation, when they first come to sex. I concluded that the female mind and body simply do not respond to sex as a man’s mind and body do.
I also concluded that the impression that women respond similarly to men must be a result of sexual fantasies. Since talking to other women, I now know that women interpret emotional sensations as if they represent true sexual arousal and orgasm.
When women like myself ask about lack of orgasm, experts often refer to inhibition or to psychological trauma that might have caused a woman to view sex as ‘dirty’ or as a ‘violation’ rather than a loving act involving mutual sexual pleasure. I challenge this suggestion – it seems more likely that the reverse is likely to be true.
Women who masturbate to orgasm are LESS sexually inhibited than other women. Not only do they appreciate eroticism enough to enjoy their own sexual fantasies when alone. They are also more willing to engage on a variety of sexual activities with a partner to explore how they might enjoy their own sexual arousal during sex.
The male experience is shorter but more intense. The female experience is longer but lower overall. My experience of female masturbation is that the initial phase can be horizontal – nothing happens. I lie there waiting for the inspiration of an effective fantasy.
But once that spark takes light, my experience is similar to a man’s. Within a minute or two the whole thing is over. The build up is quick and the sensations of release are sexually satisfying. The aftermath of orgasm involves a sense of relief followed by blissful relaxation.
Build up with a partner takes much longer than a few seconds. But also the sensations are more pleasurable and physically intense as he stimulates me. My mind has no conscious focus except the sensations of my partner touching me and thinking about his erection.
For me, orgasm with a partner includes pelvic contractions but there is not the same sense of release. Using fantasy allows me to be the woman but also to identify with the man at the point of orgasm as he thrusts and ejaculates to orgasm. Perhaps this ability to superimpose the act of male ejaculation on my orgasm produces my sense of release.
During female masturbation, whatever sexual activity I am imagining (usually anal sex or occasionally fellatio), my focus at the point of orgasm is thinking about the man’s orgasm. The act of ejaculation is highly graphic and, for me, symbolises the sexual satisfaction of my own orgasm.
I approached sex initially as a man must. I hoped to feel sexual arousal and that I would be able to reach orgasm during sex. I was bitterly disappointed as many women are, who are familiar with orgasm from female masturbation, when they first come to sex. I concluded that the female mind and body simply do not respond to sex as a man’s mind and body do.
I also concluded that the impression that women respond similarly to men must be a result of sexual fantasies. Since talking to other women, I now know that women interpret emotional sensations as if they represent true sexual arousal and orgasm.
When women like myself ask about lack of orgasm, experts often refer to inhibition or to psychological trauma that might have caused a woman to view sex as ‘dirty’ or as a ‘violation’ rather than a loving act involving mutual sexual pleasure. I challenge this suggestion – it seems more likely that the reverse is likely to be true.
Women who masturbate to orgasm are LESS sexually inhibited than other women. Not only do they appreciate eroticism enough to enjoy their own sexual fantasies when alone. They are also more willing to engage on a variety of sexual activities with a partner to explore how they might enjoy their own sexual arousal during sex.
Why sexual arousal is more elusive for women
Sex has been designed physically and psychologically to favour male sexual arousal and orgasm. This is no accident.
The key reproductive act is male ejaculation (usually co-incident with male orgasm) inside a woman’s vagina. So Nature ensures that men have the best satisfaction from thrusting to orgasm.
Men are bigger and stronger than women because Nature intends our roles to be complementary not the same. Nature also ensures that, at the end of the day, men can win the sexual game.
Women’s sexual role is to attract a man and cause him to become sexually aroused. The man is then able to use his resulting erection to impregnate a woman through thrusting. The woman’s sexual role is to assist with the man’s sexual arousal and to accommodate his needs to allow him to orgasm.
Vaginal intercourse is designed for making babies not for maximising women’s chances of enjoying sexual pleasure. However, many women still prefer vaginal intercourse because it allows them to participate in sexual activity with a partner without any explicit sexual engagement e.g. oral sex and mutual masturbation not only involve more work but are more explicitly sexual.
For successful reproduction, a woman simply needs to accommodate a man’s sex drive through vaginal intercourse. So women’s minds do not respond to sexual pleasure as men’s do. Equally, genital stimulation and orgasm are less important to women than to men. This explains why most women shocked by eroticism and almost never pay for sexual pleasure.
BASRT (the main UK association of sex and relationship therapists) suggests that ‘an important question to ask is whether orgasms are all that important’. This advice is hardly intended for men. The fact is that the majority of women are not motivated to enjoy their own orgasm either alone or with a partner because they never discover how their own sexual arousal works.
Not only is female orgasm irrelevant to reproduction, it is likely to be counterproductive for women to be actively insisting on their own sexual arousal during sex. Nature wants a man’s top priority to be his own orgasm not satisfying a sexual partner. So women prefer to have a man’s commitment (both financial and loving support) before they will engage on a sexual relationship.
Today we might think that everyone chooses their own partner but this was not always true. Social custom is for a woman’s family to choose a mate who can protect and support her. Women rarely choose a mate based on his abilities as a lover.
Sex, vaginal intercourse in particular, has not been designed to facilitate women’s psychological or physical arousal. So women have evolved the use of sexual fantasies to allow them to experience their own sexual arousal and orgasm.
The key reproductive act is male ejaculation (usually co-incident with male orgasm) inside a woman’s vagina. So Nature ensures that men have the best satisfaction from thrusting to orgasm.
Men are bigger and stronger than women because Nature intends our roles to be complementary not the same. Nature also ensures that, at the end of the day, men can win the sexual game.
Women’s sexual role is to attract a man and cause him to become sexually aroused. The man is then able to use his resulting erection to impregnate a woman through thrusting. The woman’s sexual role is to assist with the man’s sexual arousal and to accommodate his needs to allow him to orgasm.
Vaginal intercourse is designed for making babies not for maximising women’s chances of enjoying sexual pleasure. However, many women still prefer vaginal intercourse because it allows them to participate in sexual activity with a partner without any explicit sexual engagement e.g. oral sex and mutual masturbation not only involve more work but are more explicitly sexual.
For successful reproduction, a woman simply needs to accommodate a man’s sex drive through vaginal intercourse. So women’s minds do not respond to sexual pleasure as men’s do. Equally, genital stimulation and orgasm are less important to women than to men. This explains why most women shocked by eroticism and almost never pay for sexual pleasure.
BASRT (the main UK association of sex and relationship therapists) suggests that ‘an important question to ask is whether orgasms are all that important’. This advice is hardly intended for men. The fact is that the majority of women are not motivated to enjoy their own orgasm either alone or with a partner because they never discover how their own sexual arousal works.
Not only is female orgasm irrelevant to reproduction, it is likely to be counterproductive for women to be actively insisting on their own sexual arousal during sex. Nature wants a man’s top priority to be his own orgasm not satisfying a sexual partner. So women prefer to have a man’s commitment (both financial and loving support) before they will engage on a sexual relationship.
Today we might think that everyone chooses their own partner but this was not always true. Social custom is for a woman’s family to choose a mate who can protect and support her. Women rarely choose a mate based on his abilities as a lover.
Sex, vaginal intercourse in particular, has not been designed to facilitate women’s psychological or physical arousal. So women have evolved the use of sexual fantasies to allow them to experience their own sexual arousal and orgasm.
Long-term sexual relationships
Why in our liberated times do women still accept ‘putting up with sex’ just to avoid being single? I am not judging anyone else’s experiences. If other women are content with sex as they find it – I’m very happy for them. But are they really? Or are they simply more accepting? One woman in her early thirties told me that she didn’t see the point of sex unless a couple was planning to have children.
Suddenly I realised how idealised my aspirations had been for a partner to be both my lover and my friend. I grew up assuming that adult life naturally included a mutually enjoyable sexual relationship.
I have found very few women who care either about orgasm or sexual pleasure. Even if a woman does care, she often has to accept that sex is more about appreciating her ability to turn a man on and about making the most of sharing physical intimacy than about orgasm.
Sex is much, much more important (both emotionally and physiologically) to most men than it is to women. Conversely men are less motivated by relationships and family. So sex is what keeps them bought into supporting women in their life-goals of providing a home and raising children. Men hope when they marry that they can look forward to sex for life.
“As a general guideline, a woman needs to be emotionally fulfilled before she can long for sexual contact. A man, however, gets much of his emotional fulfilment during sex.” (p16 Mars & Venus in the Bedroom 1995)
Sex helps motivate men to engage on family
A man in his late sixties commented to me: “It’s a good job that men are interested in sex because otherwise the human race would die out!” The fact is that even in committed sexual relationships, sex is rarely about producing children.
There are two views of sex. There is ‘reproductive sex’ based on intercourse, which since it leads to family is often the only view that many women have of sex. Then there is ‘sex for pleasure’, which since it is associated with men paying for sex (either directly or indirectly) naturally revolves around male gratification.
The fact that prostitutes and mistresses exist proves that there is a demand from men for sexual pleasure. Within a committed relationship, a woman has the choice of providing some pleasure for her man or risking him going elsewhere. Unfortunately, many women are not always well informed either about female sexuality or about enjoying sexual pleasure within a sexual relationship with a lover.
“How do we explain the imbalance between the genders?” asks Bel Mooney. “ … the modern woman does not feel bound by what was once seen as marital duty – encapsulated in the phrase ‘conjugal rights’. If this was not so common why are there so many sad jests about ‘headaches’?”
Bel suggests that perhaps the answer lies in men’s focus on sex alone whereas women talk more about affection and companionship. She observes that “Couples who keep on having fun together, who share activities, who go out for a meal to talk, …” are more likely to survive long-term relationships. (Bel Mooney’s column page 9 The Times UK newspaper Wednesday 28th September 2005 entitled: ‘I love my wife, but she doesn’t want sex. What can I do about it?’)
Men have a need for regular sex throughout their lives. Sexual frustration causes men to become bad tempered whereas good sex makes them more amenable. Not much of a choice really! So a woman needs to learn how to keep arousing her man over a lifetime. If she can also learn how to get some sexual pleasure for herself then so much the better.
Suddenly I realised how idealised my aspirations had been for a partner to be both my lover and my friend. I grew up assuming that adult life naturally included a mutually enjoyable sexual relationship.
I have found very few women who care either about orgasm or sexual pleasure. Even if a woman does care, she often has to accept that sex is more about appreciating her ability to turn a man on and about making the most of sharing physical intimacy than about orgasm.
Sex is much, much more important (both emotionally and physiologically) to most men than it is to women. Conversely men are less motivated by relationships and family. So sex is what keeps them bought into supporting women in their life-goals of providing a home and raising children. Men hope when they marry that they can look forward to sex for life.
“As a general guideline, a woman needs to be emotionally fulfilled before she can long for sexual contact. A man, however, gets much of his emotional fulfilment during sex.” (p16 Mars & Venus in the Bedroom 1995)
Sex helps motivate men to engage on family
A man in his late sixties commented to me: “It’s a good job that men are interested in sex because otherwise the human race would die out!” The fact is that even in committed sexual relationships, sex is rarely about producing children.
There are two views of sex. There is ‘reproductive sex’ based on intercourse, which since it leads to family is often the only view that many women have of sex. Then there is ‘sex for pleasure’, which since it is associated with men paying for sex (either directly or indirectly) naturally revolves around male gratification.
The fact that prostitutes and mistresses exist proves that there is a demand from men for sexual pleasure. Within a committed relationship, a woman has the choice of providing some pleasure for her man or risking him going elsewhere. Unfortunately, many women are not always well informed either about female sexuality or about enjoying sexual pleasure within a sexual relationship with a lover.
“How do we explain the imbalance between the genders?” asks Bel Mooney. “ … the modern woman does not feel bound by what was once seen as marital duty – encapsulated in the phrase ‘conjugal rights’. If this was not so common why are there so many sad jests about ‘headaches’?”
Bel suggests that perhaps the answer lies in men’s focus on sex alone whereas women talk more about affection and companionship. She observes that “Couples who keep on having fun together, who share activities, who go out for a meal to talk, …” are more likely to survive long-term relationships. (Bel Mooney’s column page 9 The Times UK newspaper Wednesday 28th September 2005 entitled: ‘I love my wife, but she doesn’t want sex. What can I do about it?’)
Men have a need for regular sex throughout their lives. Sexual frustration causes men to become bad tempered whereas good sex makes them more amenable. Not much of a choice really! So a woman needs to learn how to keep arousing her man over a lifetime. If she can also learn how to get some sexual pleasure for herself then so much the better.
Difficulty reaching orgasm during sex
The website Go Ask Alice! confirms that it is likely to be difficult for a woman to reach orgasm through intercourse since the clitoris is not located inside a woman’s vagina. They suggest that women should aim to have their orgasm during other sexual activity either before or after intercourse.
Any woman who can climax with a partner either by using orgasm techniques from masturbation or through oral sex can at least enjoy orgasm during love-making. The problem occurs when a woman never learns how to orgasm with a partner because she does not succeed with applying orgasm techniques to sex.
The pre-orgasmic woman, who can only orgasm during masturbation, has to accept that she has her orgasm during time alone and that sex with a partner involves making the most of other aspects of physical intimacy.
Expectations for the modern couple’s sex life
Sex with a partner can quite legitimately include activities other than sexual intercourse but ultimately most of us end up with a pattern for sex that includes intercourse or penetrative sex at some point.
“One thing that all words about sex have in common, the four-letter words, medical words and euphemisms, is that they include the idea of penetration of a vagina by a penis. You haven’t really “made love” unless this has happened.” (p36 Woman’s Experience of Sex – 1983).
This may simply be because Nature intended that men should get the best possible sexual satisfaction from orgasm achieved by thrusting during penetrative sex. So the issue of female orgasm during intercourse is still important even if a woman can orgasm by other means.
What amazes me is that everyone understands immediately if a man questions lack of orgasm but my dilemma often meets with a complete lack of comprehension. Exactly what is your problem – other women aren’t bothered so why should you be?
Unfortunately, a woman who is familiar with orgasm often doesn’t see the point of sexual activity without her own orgasm.
“Most women want affection and closeness and they obtain great sexual enjoyment if their partner arouses them, by stimulating their erotic areas gently and seductively; but once a woman has experienced an orgasm, she wants that too.” (p106 EveryMan 1980)
Any woman who can climax with a partner either by using orgasm techniques from masturbation or through oral sex can at least enjoy orgasm during love-making. The problem occurs when a woman never learns how to orgasm with a partner because she does not succeed with applying orgasm techniques to sex.
The pre-orgasmic woman, who can only orgasm during masturbation, has to accept that she has her orgasm during time alone and that sex with a partner involves making the most of other aspects of physical intimacy.
Expectations for the modern couple’s sex life
Sex with a partner can quite legitimately include activities other than sexual intercourse but ultimately most of us end up with a pattern for sex that includes intercourse or penetrative sex at some point.
“One thing that all words about sex have in common, the four-letter words, medical words and euphemisms, is that they include the idea of penetration of a vagina by a penis. You haven’t really “made love” unless this has happened.” (p36 Woman’s Experience of Sex – 1983).
This may simply be because Nature intended that men should get the best possible sexual satisfaction from orgasm achieved by thrusting during penetrative sex. So the issue of female orgasm during intercourse is still important even if a woman can orgasm by other means.
What amazes me is that everyone understands immediately if a man questions lack of orgasm but my dilemma often meets with a complete lack of comprehension. Exactly what is your problem – other women aren’t bothered so why should you be?
Unfortunately, a woman who is familiar with orgasm often doesn’t see the point of sexual activity without her own orgasm.
“Most women want affection and closeness and they obtain great sexual enjoyment if their partner arouses them, by stimulating their erotic areas gently and seductively; but once a woman has experienced an orgasm, she wants that too.” (p106 EveryMan 1980)
How women enjoy eroticism through sex stories
Most heterosexual women do not masturbate. They also do not find the concepts of eroticism or fantasy that appealing. So who reads all the feminine erotica out there?
Presumably some lesbian women masturbate and read erotica. In fact, female masturbation and clitoral stimulation are often associated with lesbianism. Perhaps this is why so much female erotica focuses on women’s bodies and sex between women.
No offence to lesbian or bisexual women but I am straight. I like male body parts, male psyche and sexual acts involving men. The woman is incidental. I enjoy homosexual erotica because I imagine myself on the receiving end of fellatio or anal sex, for example.
Female erotica often includes humiliation, domination and sadism. The titles of women’s sex stories abound with words such as: slave, chains, torture, bound, obey, submission. Do women associate sex with feeling ‘dirty’ or guilty about their sexual urges?
“Men have rape and domination fantasies. Women have fantasies about BEING raped and dominated.” (p84 Woman’s Experience of Sex)
I like the wholehearted enthusiasm for sex that is portrayed in homosexual erotica. There is no virginal reluctance or demure disgust. People just enjoy the eroticism of sexual activity without anyone being forced into anything against their will (not always but mostly).
I admit that domination can be arousing. Given there is so much out there I have read my share. One book of sex stories involved a series of sadistic scenarios and frankly I was quite relieved when I eventually tired of the never-ending pain. My conclusion is that the concept of sadism may get me going but, for me at least, it does not cause orgasm.
It was a revelation to me that, unlike pornography, erotica is not intended solely for the purposes of causing sexual arousal. Perhaps this explains why I often struggle to find sex stories for women that can assist with orgasm. I have to wonder though… what else does anyone read this stuff for?
Shere Hite was phenomenal but sadly few women relate to her findings. This is because most women approach sex through their relationship with their lover. They have no concept of enjoying their own sexual arousal through clitoral stimulation. Equally they have never discovered the pleasures of sexual fantasies.
I read Hite when I was twenty and I understood that clitoral stimulation was critical to female orgasm from masturbation. However, clitoral stimulation never seemed to help with my sexual arousal during sex with my partner. The fact is that even during female masturbation, clitoral stimulation only leads to orgasm when it is combined with the use of sexual fantasies.
Men have a fairly natural transition from masturbation to sex because they use images of naked women for arousal. Women do not use images of naked men during masturbation so it is more difficult for them to transfer their orgasm techniques including their use of sexual fantasies to sex with a partner.
Presumably some lesbian women masturbate and read erotica. In fact, female masturbation and clitoral stimulation are often associated with lesbianism. Perhaps this is why so much female erotica focuses on women’s bodies and sex between women.
No offence to lesbian or bisexual women but I am straight. I like male body parts, male psyche and sexual acts involving men. The woman is incidental. I enjoy homosexual erotica because I imagine myself on the receiving end of fellatio or anal sex, for example.
Female erotica often includes humiliation, domination and sadism. The titles of women’s sex stories abound with words such as: slave, chains, torture, bound, obey, submission. Do women associate sex with feeling ‘dirty’ or guilty about their sexual urges?
“Men have rape and domination fantasies. Women have fantasies about BEING raped and dominated.” (p84 Woman’s Experience of Sex)
I like the wholehearted enthusiasm for sex that is portrayed in homosexual erotica. There is no virginal reluctance or demure disgust. People just enjoy the eroticism of sexual activity without anyone being forced into anything against their will (not always but mostly).
I admit that domination can be arousing. Given there is so much out there I have read my share. One book of sex stories involved a series of sadistic scenarios and frankly I was quite relieved when I eventually tired of the never-ending pain. My conclusion is that the concept of sadism may get me going but, for me at least, it does not cause orgasm.
It was a revelation to me that, unlike pornography, erotica is not intended solely for the purposes of causing sexual arousal. Perhaps this explains why I often struggle to find sex stories for women that can assist with orgasm. I have to wonder though… what else does anyone read this stuff for?
Shere Hite was phenomenal but sadly few women relate to her findings. This is because most women approach sex through their relationship with their lover. They have no concept of enjoying their own sexual arousal through clitoral stimulation. Equally they have never discovered the pleasures of sexual fantasies.
I read Hite when I was twenty and I understood that clitoral stimulation was critical to female orgasm from masturbation. However, clitoral stimulation never seemed to help with my sexual arousal during sex with my partner. The fact is that even during female masturbation, clitoral stimulation only leads to orgasm when it is combined with the use of sexual fantasies.
Men have a fairly natural transition from masturbation to sex because they use images of naked women for arousal. Women do not use images of naked men during masturbation so it is more difficult for them to transfer their orgasm techniques including their use of sexual fantasies to sex with a partner.
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